Month: May 2014

Global Warning Tour 2002

 

WWE invades the land down under. You better run, you better take cover.

Show kicks off with STEPHANIE FAP FAP MCMAHON. Also, I’m fairly certain commentary is dubbed over this whole thing lol. Damn, they ain’t been here for 18 years?

 

Rikishi Vs Rico – Kiss My Ass Match

Seriously… we had TWO Kiss My Ass matches on “PPV” in 02? LOL.

Dear god Cole actually asked Tazz to explain the rules of a KISS MY ASS match. Because it wasn’t clear, obviously. But now the orange midget explained it I totally understand!!!

Rico looks pretty good on offence for the whole minute or so he gets. Then he misses a HUGE and awesome looking moonsault and walks into a Samoan Drop. 1 2 3 and this is done. Time for Rico to get a face of ass.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Jamie Noble Vs The Hurricane – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Before we get the match, we get some footage of Noble and Nidia learning to surf. Noble does NOT look comfortable . He actually does a good job though lol! And Nidia looks good in a wetsuit .

Noble in glasses is odd too. Doesn’t fit with his TRAILER PARK TRASH gimmick. In fact this whole video package doesn’t fit. Why do this with the HEELS? Surly it would have been better with Hurricane doing it? IN HIS COSTUME? I’d have fucking paid to see that lol.

Hurricane steamrolls over Noble to begin with, until Nidia shoves her tongue down his throat giving Noble time to recover lol. Lucky bastard!!! 

Tazz “COLE I HEARD YA NIPPLES ARE PIERCED!”

Cole is baffled by Australian Football. He can’t work out how anyone scores. Kinda like his sex life .

Tazz “EVERY TIME I SEE A SMALL PACKAGE I THINK OF YOU, COLE!” 

 Cole “I don’t know if they play cricket over here…” .

 Tazz has to ask if they speak English in Australia. Fuck me, I thought the commentary was terrible at the UK shows… but they REALLY went out of their way to be the worst here.

Standard match stuff for the most part until they go into a finishing stretch and we get some nice near falls and even finisher kick outs.

TOP ROPE SWINGING NECKBREAKER~!

Nidia plays her role well as usual throughout this whole thing, constantly being a difference maker, and contributes to the finish too. She’s usually the best part of the match lol. Hot too .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

 an Australian calls Angle a bugger.

 

Lance Storm & Christian Vs Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio – World Tag Team Championship Match

Someone shoot Tazz and Cole please.

Someone please shoot Tazz and Cole.

PLEASE SOMEONE SHOOT TAZZ AND COLE.

 Rey flies around dominating everyone, then Christian pushes him off the top rope to the floor… and Rey just splats in front of some fat guy sat in a chair in the corner . I’m assuming he’s security but I just don’t know. He doesn’t look seems to care anyway .

Well fuck, this looked awesomely brutal:

Rey is FIP, so this is pretty good as you would expect, but holy shit the commentary. It’s fucking terrible. And was recorded AFTER the show. So they had the chance to edit shit and re-do shit… and they thought THIS was the best way to go about it? Really? Arrghh!!!

Hot tag to Kidman and we get a cool finishing stretch. Kidman is on fire, Christian is trying to cheat, Storm is superkicking, and Rey is fucking REY MYSTERIO.

SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!! 1…2… NEW CHAMPIONS NO! Christian pulls out the referee, Storm levels Kidman with the tag belt and retain the tag titles.

Good match, but hard to concentrate on it all because Tazz and Cole go to levels of awfulness I didn’t think even they could go to.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge, Kidman and Torrie are… being morons while shopping. I swear it’s like they didn’t know what Australia was until they got there. Hmmm… American’s (and Canadians lol) being clueless about other countries. Sounds outlandish, I know .

 

Chris Jericho Vs Edge

Cole talking about Edge “IS ANYONE HOTTER THAN THIS GUY?”.

BRB, gonna go shoot Tazz and Cole.

 “YOU’RE A WANKER” chants directed to Jericho.

Man, between entrances, Jericho cutting a promo and then STALLING, this takes about 10 fucking minutes to start. I got so fed up the first time around I stopped watching for A DAY lol. Back to it now I guess!

Oh sweet jesus the commentary. I forgot. A day away makes the commentary seem even worse. HOW DOES THAT WORK? They talk about strip clubs and taxis. DURING A FUCKING WRESTLING MATCH.

Michael Cole: “SPEAKING OF BIG STIFF CLOTHESLINES, STACY AND TORRIE IN A BRA AND PANTIES MATCH UP NEXT!!!”  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? 

Michael Cole AGAIN: “WE’VE GOT SOME WANKER FROM AUSTRALIA HELPING OUT AT RINGSIDE”  I don’t think he understands what wanker is .

Oh yeah there is a match going on too. Jericho heels it up, cheating when he can, cutting Edge off nicely a few times and being pretty BOSS tbh. Edge is fine, couple of nice hope spots which are usually quick pin attempts or a high impact move to try and win asap.

REF BUMP~!

Jericho grabs a chair, Edge SPEARS him, ref is still dead, I LOL.  at Edge’s attempt to wake the ref up. *kicks ref while he’s down* NOPE, HE’S NOT GETTING UP.

ANOTHER SPEAR. Ref is awake now. JERICHO KICKS OUT!

CHAIR~! LIONSAULT~! KICK OUT~!

Jericho goes face first into the exposed turnbuckle that he apparently exposed earlier. I haven’t been paying as much attention to the actual match thanks to the awful commentary. Jericho still kicks out.

Then Jericho loses to a roll up. LOL.

Match was solid stuff, but by god, everything on this show is getting ruined by the commentary.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Stacy Keibler Vs Torrie Wilson – Bra and Panties Match

Val Venis is the guest ring announcer for this.

Tazz: “IT’S BETTER TO BE COCKY THAN TO SMELL COCKY” 

 the announcing from Val pretty much solidifies this as a FAP MATCH. Literally.

FAP FAP.

NIDIA SHOWS UP TOO!

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Rock Vs Triple H Vs Brock Lesnar – WWE Undisputed Championship Match

It would take TEN YEARS for HHH and Lesnar to be involved in another match together. And it was great. Then they fucked it up by having 2 fucking shitty rematches.

Rock and HHH double team Lesnar and take him out of the ring, then HHH is all like “lol i dunt leik yu rick” and clotheslines the champion.

 Lesnar gets brought back into the ring by being thrown over the ropes, then he kinda flops around before seemingly randomly falling back in the corner . THE FUCK WAS THAT?

 Heyman attacks Rock from behind and CELEBRATES like he just won the WWE title himself. Then Rock turns around and he shats himself .

HHH VS LESNAR! Lesnar kills him .

HHH is pretty smart in this match, constantly standing back and letting Brock and Rock fight each other at every chance he gets, then he strolls in and attacks someone from behind in hopes of sneaking a win. Lesnar takes exception to this and smashes his skull into the ring post and HHH IS BLEEDING!!!

Bunch of finisher teases, but everyone counters everyone’s finisher.

SHARPSHOOTER-ISH~!

PEDIGREE~!

F-5 TO HHH!!!

PEOPLE’S ELBOW~!

BROCK KICKS OUT!!!

HEYMAN IS LOVING IT!!!

F-5 TO THE ROCK!!! LESNAR GONNA BECOME CHAMP!!! 1…2… AND THAT SHITTY HHH FELLA BREAKS UP THE COUNT.

PEDIGREE TO LESNAR~!

LESNAR KICKS OUT!!! FUCK ME!!! NOTHING STOPPING THE NEXT BIG THING!!!

ROCK BOTTOM TO HHH. ROCK WINS. BOOOO .

Good match, I liked it . Whole finishing stretch was cool and Lesnar was made to look like a fucking BEAST kicking out of two finishers with no rests between pins or anything like that. HHH played his role well as the cerebral assassin, waiting for the right moment to get involved and shit, and Rock was Rock.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 6.5

Unforgiven 2002

 

The first PPV with both brand titles on the line!!!

 

The Un-Americans Vs Booker T, Goldust, Bubba Ray Dudley & Kane

The Un-Americans, huh? Wonder who came up with that name; The Un-Creative Team?

OMG THAT’S NOT KANE THAT’S SOMEONE ELSE HE LOOKS DIFFERENT SO IT’S OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE ELSE WEARING THE MASK ZOMG~!

Anyone else remember how some people were absolutely ADAMANT about the fact that this wasn’t REALLY Kane? 

 Goldust starting things off with Christian. I know Survivor Series ended up being one of the top PPV’s of the year and a tremendous PPV in general regardless of the year, I’m surprised they didn’t go with a big elimination match like this with the Un-Americans Vs a group of Pro-USA guys or something. Plenty of talent on the Un-American side of things, then you could have had Goldust (And Booker, I suppose, though he was in the EC that night), and uhhh… huh, everyone I can think of was already part of something at SVS lol. Well rebook the card!!! Something like this should have happened lol .

Early part of the match is the USA guys dominating and all taking turns at getting them some of these bastards who tell the truth and don’t think USA is a GOAT as USA thinks it is (  ). Everyone except KANE because they saving that big gun for when it’s truly NESSECCARY. NESESSARY. NESSECCESSARRRY. THAT WORD.

Bubba and Booker decide to get tables out, which fucks them over as they decide to get a table from under the ring ON THE UN-AMERICANS SIDE OF THE RING and they get jumped. OH THE SHOCK. Morons lol.

Booker T plays FIP while a bunch of superior talent work him over. Poor Booker, he’s like, the worst guy in this match bar Test. MAYBE. Luckily he isn’t SUCKA(ING) so it’s all good.

HOT TAG TO KANE and he comes in like a house on fire. Which probably motivates him in a different way to everyone else.

WILD 8 MAN BRAWL~!

Good GOD Test absolutely fucking POWERS Kane up for a Pumphandle. I swear Kane wasn’t being co-operative there either lol. PURE POWER. Booker officially moves to the bottom of the workers in this match .

DOUBLE TEAM TO KANE. SUPERKICK~! KANE SURVIVES!!!

Everyone comes in the ring and gets them some of someone before being taken out by someone else coming in. You know the deal, but hey, it’s a ton of fun especially for a finishing stretch of a big match like this.

KANE comes back and starts mauling everyone. CHOKESLAM TO STORM~! 3 count.

Fun way to start the show!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Chris Jericho Vs Ric Flair – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Huh, Jericho is IC champ? I… don’t remember him winning the belt around this time lol.

In fact I don’t remember this match happening at all. I know they faced at SummerSlam… but a rematch? With Jericho as IC champ somehow? WHEN DID ALL THIS SHIT HAPPEN? 

SLAPS TO THE FACE~!

This is all about FLAIR proving to himself that he can still go and can still have one last run. Jericho gives him a TON in this match. Flair is all over him and looks great despite his age.

Flair targets the leg a little, then Jericho gets a second wind, knocks Flair down and goes for the Lionsault! Flair moves, Jericho lands on his feet but quickly crumples down to the mat holding his knee!!! He’s obviously hurt .

Flair gives him some space, then when he turns his back, Jericho locks in the Walls and makes Flair TAP. LOL.

Fun enough for the time it got and the match they worked. Flair looked great, then Jericho OUT-DIRTIED THE DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME and got the win.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

 Shaq is in attendance with his son, and when the camera gets on them, his own son BLASTS HIM IN THE FACE with a right hook .

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Edge

Hmmmm…. not sure what to expect from this match. I was never super high on their matches back in 2002, and Edge’s stuff really doesn’t hold up well from this time period at all. Add to that the fact I don’t think much to their No DQ SD match either which is pretty much considered the crown jewel match of this feud… I can’t say I’m expecting much at all from this match.

Eddie shows us his VETERAN INSTINCTS at the start of this one, getting out of the ring straight away as Edge comes in fired up. He sneaks around behind Edge for a roll up, and when Edge kicks out he runs back outside and does the chase thing before getting back in the ring and jumping on Edge as he comes in the ring. Basic stuff yeah, but it’s always nice when there seems to be SOME reason behind it .

TORNADO DDT. EDGE IS DOWN! Eddie knows it, and you can see that he realises Edge is hurt and he just ATTACKS like a vicious animal .

I’m going to tell you something that you have never heard. That has never been written. That nobody would EVER expect me to ever say, write or imply. EDDIE FUCKING RULES . Eddie on offence is awesome here. He starts being violent, just jumping on Edge when he realises he’s hurting. Then he starts to get cocky, playing to the crowd and taking his time (and the crowd btw are LOVING Eddie for the most part). Edge then manages to get a shot in, and Eddie sells it like a knockout shot. So when he gets back up again he reverts back to being violent and vicious in order to keep Edge down again.

Edge is hurting, and apparently also recently suffered a concussion which makes some of Eddie’s offence even better lol. So when Edge sees an opportunity, he doesn’t waste time, going either for a quick rollup or for one big move that might get him the win.

SPEAR! EDDIE MOVES! EDGE STOPS HIMSELF! DDT! 3! NO? EDDIE GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPE! MATCH CONTINUES!

EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~! EDDIE GOES BACK FIRST INTO IT~! EDGE ATTEMPTS A SUPERPLEX… EDDIE SMASHES HIS HEAD INTO THE TURNBUCKLE WHILE THEY ARE STOOD ON THE ROPES~! SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB~!

EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS!!! 

Well this was WAY better than I was expecting. WAY BETTER. Eddie was clearly the driving force in making it as good as it was, but Edge played his role in this thing as well as you could expect too.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

HHH decided to visit RVD in the Raw locker room. He addresses Flair and how he’s no longer what he used to be. HEEL TURN? Nah, that’ll never happen…

Billy & Chuck Vs 3 Minute Warning – If Billy & Chuck win, Bischoff must kiss Stephanie’s ass. If 3 Minute Warning win, Stephanie must perform HLA

HLA! HLA! HLA! HLA! HOT LESBIAN ACTION~!

How could ANYONE be rooting for the “babyfaces” Billy & Chuck in this situation lol?

Man, I still remember the wedding segment from SD. Bischoff revealing himself as the minister was pretty awesome. Totally didn’t see it coming. Stephanie tried something similar too but was more in the background to hide than in plain sight without being seen lol.

Billy & Chuck pretty much just get squashed. YES! HLA! STEPHANIE!!! FAP FAP FAP!!! But we gotta wait for it .

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs Rob Van Dam – World Heavyweight Championship Match

The first WHC match in WWE history! Excluding WWF, of course . Anyway. HHH gets the title handed to him, then proceeds to BERRY people while defending it or something. You know, because RVD was WHC material…

MAN, HHH CAN REALLY SPIT WATER! He can also… lift weights . And ruin main event scenes for basically a decade! Woo!!!

About 5 minutes into the match, RVD grabs a bottle of water and does HHH’s water spit. I think I could probably skip the rest of the match knowing that THAT was the best part .

LOL RVD DIES. Leaps over the ropes and splats on the floor as HHH moves. Can we end this thing on a countout please? PLEASE? No? FUCK YOU.

“I THINK EARL HEBNER COUNTS VERY WELL”. I’m sure if his maths teacher is still alive he’d be proud.

*HHH applies a sleeper*

Lawler: “NOBODY HAS USED THIS MOVE IN YEARS. ITS A CLASSIC!!!”

HHH bores the shit out of me in control. Then RVD comes back and at least TRIES to make it interesting again by quite literally kicking the fuck out of HHH.

REF BUMP~! Frog Splash. No ref. Shock and horror.

Fuck me at the set up to the low blow on RVD. Dumbest shit ever.

Sledgehammer comes out to play. Flair shows up. Nails RVD with the hammer. HHH wins. Urgh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

D-Lo Brown and Billy Kidman are… backstage talking. Some old man from… the Young and the Restless or something? I dunno. I don’t know why this is a thing. I just don’t get it.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Molly Holly – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Ha.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Chris Benoit Vs Kurt Angle

Oh christ I forgot this was on the show lol. I used to like this… then again I used to think their RR 03 match was ***** and their Raw cage match was good. So fuck knows how I’ll end up feeling about this. That being said I used to love their Backlash 01 match… and I STILL fucking love it. Hopefully this falls into that category. Better do. Sick of watching shitty matches! Need the taste of HHH/RVD out of my mouth.

So the first 5 minutes maybe, are utterly pointless. They just exchange hugs and shit while moaning and groaning like weirdos .

Cole “Benoit’s got like 0% body fat”

Tazz “I used to have that!”

Cole “When? When you were 2?”

Commentators talk about how great the CONDITIONING~! of both these guys is… yet they are both utterly fucked and are doing the old “both guys down while the ref does a 10 count” thing after… almost nothing lol. They did the hug exchanges at the start… then Angle gets a couple of moves in, Benoit makes a little comeback and… that’s them knackered apparently lol.

Well, time for FINISHERS~! Because… I dunno, they’ve hugged for a while, then pretended to be knackered for a while so we gotta do a finishing stretch. Benoit cheats to win.

I don’t… I’m not… what? I can’t point to this match and say “it’s fucking terrible”… because… I don’t really have ANY opinion on it. It’s just there. Nothing offensive, nothing to make me hate wrestling… but nothing for me to like. A whole bunch of stuff and that’s it.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

HLA TIME! But they crap all over it. They tease us with hot HLA. Then Rikishi comes out in drag. Bischoff seems to be the only person to not know its him. Ends up taking a stink face. Bah.

 

Brock Lesnar Vs The Undertaker – WWE Championship Match

Ummm…

.

This is the IYH: Ground Zero match to Lesnar & Undertaker’s HIAC match. Like HBK/Undertaker GZ, this is a match that is simply used to BUILD to another match. And not in the shitty way like we’ve seen in the past (and future, since this is from 2002 lol). Instead they give us a great match but it ends in a way that makes us NEED a rematch, and a rematch inside some cage or cell to keep them from fucking shit up and giving us a non finish again. On last watch, this match did it just as wonderfully as HBK/Undertaker. Hope it holds up at the very least .

Starts off . Lesnar is the young champion about to face his BIGGEST test yet, and he walks right up to Undertaker and looks him in the eye, so Undertaker just pushes him away like he’s fucking nothing. MIND GAMES played by both guys .

I love how Heyman sees that Lesnar is getting in trouble, so he sacrifices himself, taking a HUGE boot to the face, to allow Lesnar to capitalise on a distracted Dead Man. And man oh man, Lesnar just fucking SPEARING the shit out of Undertaker into the corner is a great way to capitalise on such a situation lol.

 Undertaker’s awesome strikes are awesome. Lesnar had been working over the BODY of Undertaker, so Undertaker fires back with some BRUTAL body shots that fuck Lesnar up.

More Heyman distraction and BAM~! WWE title to the face of the Dead Man and the Dead Man is busted open!!!

BRAWLING~! Undertaker is just killing it with his punches. Lesnar wants to nail him in the head with the title? Undertaker is gonna retaliate with massive punches right in the FACE.

Ref Bump! MATT HARDY! BAH GAWD MATT HARDY IS HERE~! He gets killed .

Poor ref keeps getting knocked down and shit lol. His own fault, he shouldn’t be in the ring while these 2 MONSTERS are going at it. Kinda like how the army stand around getting mauled while Godzilla and King Kong battle or something. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU DUMB FUCK. 

Lesnar and Taker are just trying to KILL each other. Lesnar is trying to hang with ‘Taker to show that while he’s young and fairly inexperienced, he’s still a top player, while Undertaker is trying to hang with Lesnar and prove that despite getting older, he’s still the big dog that runs the yard. And as a result, like I already said, we end up with both of them just trying to KILL each other. 

LESNAR IS BLEEDING~! And Undertaker is making sure to go after it. Lesnar has never been CUT in a match before, so it’s cool to see how he reacts to it, and well, that’s pretty much how we get to the finish of the match. The BEAST has been hurt and now he’s pissed. They just battle in the corner and the dumb arse ref keeps getting involved, and ends up just throwing the match out. Fans ain’t happy, and yeah, you can’t blame them. Nobody likes a non finish, especially for a main event, but they followed up on it like fucking BOSSES with the HIAC match, PLUS they keep on fighting after the bell rings, ending with Undertaker lobbing Lesnar through the Unforgiven stage!!!

 Still love this one. A wonderful build to HIAC, AND a pretty fucking sweet match to boot.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

Vengeance 2002

 

One of the earliest wrestling DVD’s I bought! And I got it in HMV in Glasgow lol. Crazy what random shite I can remember!

 

Bubba Ray & Spike Dudley Vs Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero – Tag Team Tables Match

Benoit’s first PPV match in 13 months!

Benoit and Eddie look great early on. Spike does a short FIP and then gets a “hot” tag in on Bubba, who doesn’t even get a single bit of offence in for a while! Always like when they deviate from the typical match structure without fucking shit up. Works even better here because of the fact it’s Benoit’s first PPV match in 13 months. Make him look STRONG in his return.

GERMAN SUPLEX TO BUBBA. Bubba takes it like a MAN.

You know that spot where someone places a guy neck first on a ring rope, then stands on their back, using all of their weight to choke their opponent? Well… that happens when Benoit does it to Bubba… and EDDIE STOMPS HIS HEAD REPEATEDLY TOO. Awesome variation on a classic move .

Man, Bubba gets absolutely CRUSHED in this match. He is the main FIP it seems and he takes one hell of a beating. Benoit is looking incredible in his PPV match return. Spike does ok coming in every now and then to try and help out, though I do find it funny that he’s essentially the hot tag guy in the match .

TABLES~! I like how they take a while to bring them out, just as Benoit and Eddie believe that have finally done enough to wear down their opponents. They fail on a couple of occasions of course, because that wouldn’t be very suspenseful for a match lol.

ALL OUT BRAWL~! All 4 guys are just trying to do anything to gain control of the match now that the tables are out and set up, meaning one small mistake could cost either team the match.

BUBBA THROUGH A TABLE!!! But he put himself through it so… does that mean he’s lost for his team? Nah, that would be stupid (and awesome. “ladies and gentlemen, Bubba Ray has put himself through a table, therefore your winners, Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero!”).

 at Spike seemingly getting lost in the match. He sends both Eddie and Benoit to the outside… then just starts pacing up and down, looking around wondering “the fuck am I doing?”.

DUDLEY DOG! EDDIE THROUGH A TABLE!!! THIS IS AN ELIMINATION MATCH AND I TOTALLY FORGOT!!! LOL!!!

PRESS SLAM OVER THE ROPES THROUGH A TABLE!!! Awesome spot to eliminate Spike. BENOIT RULES~!

BUBBA BOMB~! BENOIT THROUGH A TABLE~! I GUESS BUBBA RULES INSTEAD BECAUSE HE JUST WON THE MATCH FOR HIS TIME!!!

Good match. Good tag action before they even attempt to bring in the tables, and from there we get some good brawling and table spots! Definitely one of the best tables matches ever, though that isn’t saying much haha.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Eric Bischoff backstage with HHH trying to convince him to sign with RAW. But HHH is having a meeting with STEPHANIE FAP FAP.

 

Jamie Noble Vs Billy Kidman – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Kidman has Noble’s number going into this match, havign already pinned him in a non title match and getting a big win over TAJIRI on SD last week too. All that momentum follows through into this match as Billy rocks the CW champion early on!!!

Nidia, who has helped Noble many times in the past, including KOTR where Noble won the CW title, gets involved and gets THROWN into Kidman lol, distracting him for a moment allowing the champ to target his arm.

Ya know, I’m starting to like Noble less and less the more I see his WWE work. His matches seem to just be “opponent gets the better of him early on, Nidia distracts, Noble goes for the arm. Finish”. And yeah, plenty of guys work a similar match style for all their matches, but eh, Noble working the arm doesn’t seem to be that engaging a lot of the time, nor does it really pay off. He doesn’t have an arm submission hold, his finish is a POWERBOMB, and Nidia more often than not helps him win.

Some flashy shit at the end, then a powerbomb from Noble and he gets the win. Standard shit.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Kurt Angle. He doesn’t deal in IFS. He deals in WHENS.

 

PAUL HEYMAN AND BROCK LESNAR. This isn’t the Summer of Brock, IT’S ALL YEAR ANGLE.

 

William Regal Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE European Championship Match

So Jeff is the European Champ. Regal cried after losing it . Not sure if it was about losing the belt, or more about losing it to JEFF HARDY lol.

BRUNI~! I have no idea what that is, means or is about, but Cole and Tazz bang on about it at the start of this match lol.

Regal SLAPS Jeff early in the match and Jeff just crumbles up like he got knocked out lol.

Stiff offence by Regal, flippy shitty offence by Hardy.

HALF NELSON SUPLEX .

Quick roll up and Hardy retains the title out of nowhere. Regal cries again.

Meh. Decent in parts (REGAL).

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Flair and Hogan congratulate Hardy on his epic EUROPEAN TITLE match win. LOL.

 

Flair & Hogan taking the piss out of the fact they are both old. Awesome .

 

Chris Jericho Vs John Cena

Cena pre-gimmick of any kind. LOL.

Boring stuff. Then this happens:

Then they pick up the pace for about 1 minute with a big move or two. Lionsault. Jericho doesn’t cover. Cena goes all early Superman (soo… SmallVille Cena?) and gets the win still. Poor Jericho. Can’t beat 2002 Cena. LOL.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Bischoff and Coach are outside of STEPHANIE’S office waiting for HHH to come out. STEPH’S attorny shows up with some papers for them to sign. Bischoff ain’t happy.

 

Tazz and Cole getting REPLACED by Lawler and JR.

 

Brock Lesnar Vs Rob Van Dam – Intercontinental Championship Match

Last month at the KOTR, these two met in the finals, and thanks to Heyman, Lesnar picked up the win. RVD is out for VENGEANCE. AT VENGEANCE. GET IT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lesnar is all “lol I’m awesome” at the start of this match, then RVD is all “amma kick you in the face a bunch of times” and does and Lesnar is all “wai you kick me in the face you bitch?” and Heyman is all “stick to the plan you moron” and Lesnar is all “MURDER RVD” and does. POWERSLAM ON THE FLOOR looks and sounds epic.

 RVD goes for a leg sweep… and I can’t tell if Lesnar sells it terribly OR if he BOTCHES JUMPING OVER IT .

Lesnar continues to murder RVD in epic ways, while RVD gets some nice shots in here and there. I swear his kicks always looked better against Lesnar. Probably because Lesnar just let him kick him in the face for real lol.

“SQUEEZE HIM BROCK, SQUEEZE HIM! SQUEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!”

Finishing stretch is . RVD takes it right to Lesnar, goes for a frog splash, only for Lesnar to grab him off the ropes! F-5… NO!!! Countered into a DDT! 5* Frog Splash! 1..2..HEYMAN PULLS OUT THE REFEREE~! DQ loss for Lesnar!

Big brawl after the match which is pretty awesome too. Lesnar gets the last laugh. Did these two have another match after this on Raw?

Awesome stuff. LESNAR.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

STEPHANIE comes out of her office. Bischoff asks if HHH signed. She says yes. He goes insane. HHH comes out. Bischoff goes off on one. Turns out it was DIVORCE PAPERS that he signed. LOLOLOL.

 

The Big Show Vs Booker T – No DQ & No Countouts Match

Show being all giant-y and throwing Booker around = .

KNOCKOUT PUNCH TO THE STEEL CHAIR~!

What the fuck just happened? I… what? The fuck? Show smashed Booker T into the ring post… then ran at Booker to crush him between his own body and the ring post… and BOOKER T DIDN’T MOVE. What? That’s like, the most obvious spot ever in a match. Nobody EVER hits that. The guy ALWAYS moves.

Ok, things are back to normal, the Spanish Announce Table gets broken . With a pretty cool AXE KICK. And good god Big Show is back up! Big Show is still going! How is Booker gonna stop this GIANT?

LOW BLOW. AXE KICK. HOUSTON HANGOVER!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

Booker T wins!

Super fun match, and probably my favourite BOOKER T match. Not quite his best, but definitely one of the funnest. Me likely long time.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

TORRIE WILSON AND DAWN MARIE FAP FAP FAP. They argue over pointless shit. JR says they don’t have time for them and they move on .

 

TIME TO PLAY THE GAME. OF CONTRACT NEGOTIATION. Stephanie and Bischoff are both wanting to sign HHH to their show. HHH decides to go with STEPHANIE because he’s the hottest or something. HBK shows up. Convinces HHH to come to Raw. Always liked this segment tbh. I’m not overly high on IN RING SEGMENTS taking place on a PPV, but this felt big and important and was GOOD, so I’m fine with it tbh.

 

Booker T being interviewed backstage, but more importantly… GOLDUST IS WITH HIM. GOLDUST. WOOO. Crazy to think that GOLDUST is still going strong 11 years later and outperforming 99% of the entire roster.

 

Edge & Hulk Hogan Vs Lance Storm & Christian – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

So this is a match. With tags. A tag match, if you will. They do stuff. I don’t care. New tag champs. Whatever.

“THEY’RE GONNA RUB IT IN OUR FACES AND SHOVE IT DOWN OUR THROATS EVERY CHANCE THEY GET”

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

STEPHANIE FAP FAP claims she’s gonna rip the HEART out of Raw. I can’t remember exactly who that ended up being. Lesnar after SS? Undertaker after SS? Eddie & Benoit before SS?

 

The Undertaker Vs The Rock Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Undisputed Championship Match

. Loved this since it happened. Bought this DVD for this match alone. Had it at ***** and the GOAT triple threat for a LONG time. Don’t hold it in such high regard any more but it’s still a favourite of mine.

Kinda wish this had just been Angle Vs Undertaker. Build up with their tie on SD leading to a PPV match would have been . Rock just ruined the whole thing lol. He tries to screw Undertaker out of the title for NO REASON at KOTR and ends up getting a title match. Fuck you, Rock.

Undertaker and Rock have a staredown to start things off, and poor Kurt feels left out. So he gets their attention. And they maul him .

Undertaker is . He has Rock in the corner getting ready to beat the fuck out of him, and the fans start chanting for Rock. Undertaker looks on with sheer DISTAIN, then decides to really fucking DECK Rock with a MASSIVE punch and I  the entire time.

CHOKESLAM~! BY THE ROCK! ON UNDERTAKER!!!

ANKLE LOCK~! BY THE ROCK! ON KURT ANGLE!!!

ROCK BOTTOM~! BY KURT ANGLE! ON THE ROCK!!!

ANGLE SLAM~! BY THE UNDERTAKER! ON KURT ANGLE!!!

 Man that whole sequence is such fun. Everyone using everyone else’s finisher. The ultimate sign of disrespect, and if they could have WON with someone else’s move it would have been something to brag about until the end of time.

 at Lawler MARKING OUT like a bitch because Rock spat HIS water into Undertaker’s face.

Undertaker continues to rule this whole thing. Beats the fuck out of Angle, and beats the fuck out of Rock for spitting water in his face too. NOBODY GONNA STOP THE CHAMP!

ANGLE IS BLEEDING. FROM PUNCHES TO THE HEAD BY UNDERTAKER .

APRON LEG DROP~!

Holy FUCK at that Old School. Instead of smashing down on Angle’s arm… he fucking PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. OFF THE TOP ROPE. EPIC.

Undertaker . He really is on top of his game here. Angle tries to deck him with a chair, but he sees him coming and blasts him in the face with a punch! He is on a roll, and it takes a LOW BLOW by The Rock (what a standup guy!) behind the referee’s back and a chair shot to the head by Angle to take him down.

ANGLE SLAM TO ROCK~!

LAST RIDE TO ROCK~!

ANKLE LOCK TO UNDERTAKER~!

UNDERTAKER ESCAPES~!

LAST RIDE~! NO! COUNTERED INTO THE TRIANGLE CHOKE JUST LIKE SMACKDOWN!!! Callback spot .

This time Undertaker counters it with a powerbomb, but Angle holds on and Undertaker is fading fast!!!

CHOKESLAM TO ANGLE~! Undertaker is looking like the baddest motherfucker on the PLANET in this. ROCK BOTTOM! UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT!!!!!!!

ROCK BOTTOM TO ANGLE~! UNDERTAKER CAN’T GET THERE IN TIME. ROCK WINS THE TITLE. BOOOOOOO!

 This still holds up as a super fucking fun match. 3 guys just beating the absolute FUCK out of each other. A lot of times this style of match just doesn’t work, but for whatever reason, everything clicks here and it’s .

Undertaker was just SPECTACULAR in this match btw. MVP of the match and THEN SOME. Just incredible tbh. It’s like he KNEW his last few PPV matches were god awful (Hogan, HHH x 2), and wanted to show everyone that he’s still the fucking MAN. And he did. He is STILL THE FUCKING MAN.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 15

Rebellion 2002

 

Fuck me Michael Cole on commentary sounds like he’s on something. HI HI HI HI HI I’M MICHAEL COLE AND WOW WOW WOW LOOK HOW BIG MY HAND IS RIGHT HERE AT REBELLION IN MANCHESTER ENGLAND OMG OMG OMG THIS IS AWESOME!!!!

Stephanie McFapfap kicks off the show . She announces Undertaker won’t be here tonight. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH. I’d still do her though. FAP.

 

Booker T Vs Matt Hardy

Oh wow, this looks horrible on paper lol. I like Matt, and he had a GREAT run from like, 02 to 09, but fuck, Booker T drags shit down so much. Also, this is a SD PPV… and Booker T is on Raw. THE FUCK BITCHES?

MATT LOVES ENGLISH MUFFINS. You know, I don’t even know what an English Muffin is, nor have I had one (would be weirder if I’d had one and still didn’t know what it was, right?).

Brilliant TAZZ commentary: “SMACKDOWN: WE DON’T CHEAT AROUND HERE. SOMETIMES.”

BAAAARGH BUHHHHHH BURRGAAAGHHHHHH!!! Those are all noises you can hear from Booker T during a comeback.

Tazz: “THAT WAS A CRUMPET AWAY FROM A VICTORY FOR THE BOOK MAN” WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING YOU DAFT MIDGET?

What a great match. What an incredible match to kick start this PPV. Oh wow what an incredible match right here in Manchester. These are all things Michael Cole and Tazz say about this match that are 100% bullshit.

This whole match is a giant ball of fuck all.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena & Dawn Marie Vs Billy Kidman & Torrie Wilson

Just no. 2002 Cena = LOL. Divas = LOL.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Funaki Vs Crash Holly

Crash mocks Funaki. And gets kicked in the face. Ha.

Match is about as basic as you get, just a filler match between 2 Jobber Cruiserweights. Best part was Crash mocking Funaki at the start, and a KILLER cut off clothesline later on.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Tajiri Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Jamie Noble – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Elimination Match

 fuck me sideways this looks INCREDIBLE on paper. Elimination style is  too as it guarantees us a great one on one match regardless of who might get eliminated first!!! Hopefully this match will make up for the shite fest the show has been so far.

 at Cole making a jab at Tazz being ORANGE.

Fun stuff to start, making good use of the fact there are 3 of them in the match. More unique tripley threat spots, usually featuring 2 guys trying a move and the third guy sort of getting in the way of it and getting knocked down almost by accident lol. Nice change from your typical triple threat spots.

TAJIRI KICKS~!

TIGER BOMB~! Tajiri is… eliminated? Already? 

Well, at least we are left with REY VS NOBLE, and  at that.

Noble focuses on the arm of Rey, busting out some sweet shit to target it.

Urgh, Tazz is trying to be “English” which is apparently what all colour commentators must attempt when over in the UK. FUCKING STOP IT YOU ORANGE MIDGET.

Unfortunately the arm stuff gets a little dull, with too much time just sitting in holds rather than making shit interesting .

 I just found THE single greatest sign ever. For real. I mean the single greatest absolute GOAT sign anyone has EVER brought to a show. “KANE RAPED ULRIKA”  UK people will laugh, everyone else will remain clueless as to who Ulrika is .

Rey makes a comeback and hits a bunch of big, high impact moves, but Noble either kicks out or is saved by Nidia.

TIGER BOMB~!

KICK OUT!!!

Noble wins with a counter to a roll up, and apparently Nidia helps him but the camera angle we saw doesn’t show that .

So this was HIGHLY disappointing. I mean MAJORLY fucking disappointing. Tajiri was gone way too quickly, and the arm stuff on Rey was mostly dull, and the finish fell FLAT AS FUCK too .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

 at Benoit and Angle acting like kids backstage as they try to work out who is TEAM CAPTAIN. Also, HOW HILARIOUS A BAD TEETH JOKE IN ENGLAND. I love how they always come up with new, innovative jokes to mock us .

 

The Big Valbowski & Chuck Palumbo Vs Ron Simmons & D-Von

Chuck and Val as a team? Val going by THE BIG VALBOWSKI? The fuck is this craziness?

Farooq and D-Von together? I know they were stuck together in the tag title tournament… but they stayed a team afterwards? And Farooq is now just going by RON SIMMONS. Because. Stuff. This entire match is INSANE. Makes my head hurt.

So this is a bit of a mess of a match. Some ok stuff when it comes to RON beating someone up, but other than that it just doesn’t work for me. Man, this PPV is sucking HARD HARD HARD right now.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Albert Vs Rikisi – Kiss My Arse Match

Albert hasn’t quite changed his name to A-TRAIN yet. But he’s dressing like A-Train.

 at Albert’s promo before the match.

Tazz: “ALBERT DOESN’T SHAVE HIS ASS?” Oh I’m sorry Tazz, I didn’t realise that this wasn’t normal. Best get my shaver out…

 god this is fun. Finally, something worth seeing on this show.  at Rikishi bending over as Albert runs at him, causing the big guy to back the FUCK OUT OF THE RING.

 at Albert being heckled by fans, so he tells them to shut up and rubs his chest seductively .

HEADBUTT TO ALBERT~!

ALBERT IS UNPHASED~!

HEADBUTT TO RIKISHI~!

RIKISHI GOES DOWN~!

ALBERT GIVES BETTER HEAD THAT RIKISHI~!

Wait, what?

Tazz is fucking OBSESSED with Albert’s hairy ass. OBSESSED.

 at Tazz making what he THINKS are seal noises. Ends up sounding like a retard took over commentary.

BYCICLE KICK~!

SUPERKICK TO ALBERT~!

BONZAIIIII!!! Albert loses, and now he must KISS RIKISHI’S ASS. Which is shaved. Because that’s normal apparently.

Albert tries to run, gets told he will get suspended if he doesn’t. He gets back in the ring, attacks Rikishi, tries to give HIM a stinkface which backfires and he ends up with a face full of ASS.

This was fun lol.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Afterwards Tazz and Cole and Tony Chimmel dance with Rikishi.

 

Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle Vs Los Guerreros – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

BANGLE VS EDDIE & the other guy!!!

 at the video package pretty much being the No Mercy tag match video package… minus anything to do with REDGE.

Crowd LOVE both Angle and Benoit, and BOOOO the shit out of Chavo when he tags in to start things off .

Despite the fact LOS GUERRERO’S are the opponents here, it’s the one up-man-ship feud between Benoit and Angle that seems to be the focus early on, and the crowd being split on the two followed by actually chanting “WE WANT ANGLE” when Benoit tags in plays a BIG part in the match in the early going. It’s all fun 

 Eddie and Chavo are just MEAT for Angle and Benoit to fuck about with to try and prove who the better man is. Angle hits a German? Benoit charges into the ring and hits one two. Can’t decide which was better? STEREO GERMANS~!

Angle and Benoit basically competing against each other pisses LOS GUERREROS off, forcing them to become more vicious and actually gain control of the match with Benoit playing FIP.

GORY SPECIAL~! That’ll show them for looking past LOS GUERREROS!

Benoit gets worked over a little longer, but eh, nothing setting the world on fire here, but at least it doesn’t suck or anything lol .

HOT TAG TO ANGLE and the fans go crazy. Fucking Manchester… people. I’m sure they have some shitty name like Manchestians or something retarded like that but I don’t know or care. YOU SUCKS. Stop cheering Angle over Benoit you tits.

Finishing stretch starts off good from the hot tag, with Angle going all crazy, then it slows down and kinda kills the momentum they were building, before going back to CRAZYVILLE for the finish… but even the finish ends up being a bit awkward lol.

Overall this is still a fun and solid match, but eh, I’m just not loving it like I used to .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman Vs Edge – WWE Championship Handicap Match

BOTH MEN IN TIPPY TOP SHAPE~! Tazz has a wonderfully shit way with words…

Lesnar shows off his POWER early on, then Edge resorts to his quickness to frustrate THE CHAMP, and it works for a little while until it just makes him MAD. And you wouldn’t want to see Lesnar MAD. Well actually you would because he’s awesome. KILL THE EDGE!!!

Does anyone do a better BACK BREAKER than Lesnar? Especially when he does them in triplicate .

Lesnar on offence is just tremendous. Everything looks awesome and nasty and PAINFUL, especially the unique submission hold he does which is like a modified Boston Crab, but BROCKAFIED. And anything BROCKAFIED is PAINFUL and AWESOME.

Could have done with fewer rest hold in this one though. Lesnar sits in a couple of holds, and yeah they look NASTY because of how powerful he is, but even then I can only watch for so long before my mind wanders.

Poor Heyman. Edge ASSAULTS HIM twice for NO REASON at all. First he Spears him off the apron, then when Heyman finally recovers about 10 minutes later, he gives him a baseball slide and sends him crashing into the announce table. And BOTH TIMES Edge does something to Heyman, he takes his eye off Lesnar, allowing Lesnar to fucking KILL HIM the moment he turns around. DUH ME EDGE AND ME STOOPID.

Oh look, Edge going after Heyman a THIRD TIME. What the fuck? Edge can pin Heyman without Heyman tagging in? THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

Michael Cole: “DROPKICK! WE ARE GONNA CROWN A NEW CHAMPION!!!!”  sure Cole, Lesnar survived HELL IN A CELL WITH UNDERTAKER, but a fucking DROPKICK FROM EDGE is gonna end his title reign. Ya dumb bastard.

Nice counter from an F-5 into the Edgecution!

SPEAR! Lesnar kicks out!

CHAIR TO THE GUT~! F-5~! Lesnar retains the belt.

Match is ok. Nothing special. Lesnar rules, but the match is dragged down by a couple of rest holds that last far too long. Fun finishing stretch.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2.5