Month: January 2015

Survivor Series 2005

 

THE UNDERTAKER RETURNS TONIGHT!!!! And probably some matches too. Whatever. UNDERTAKER~!

 

a “where’s Sting?” sign in the crowd. 9 years later, not much has changed . (EDIT: Well gosh, 9 years later at the SVS PPV, which happened months after I wrote this ramble… and bugger me, STING debuts lol)

 

Booker T Vs Chris Benoit – Best of 7 Series for the WWE United States Championship – Match 1

Not sure what to do here. One the one hand, I wanna avoid this like Booker T avoids talent. One the other hand, people tend to praise this match.

Those people can go to hell.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Bischoff tells Vince he plans to screw Cena tonight. Cena shows up. Makes a gay comment. Vince tries to act black. Calls Cena the N word. Walks past Booker T. Greatest. Segment. Ever.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Melina – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Mickie James is at ringside too .

So this match takes place because MNM kidnapped Trish and… challenged her to a match. Was the kidnapping part REALLY needed?

CROSS BODY~! Trish launches herself on all 3 members of MNM!

Yes, I’m fully aware that I just skipped a CHRIS BENOIT match and am now sitting through Melina Vs Trish. Suck it.

Melina is nice and aggressive early on, and really smashes the shit out of Trish’s back in the corner with some elbows. Tazz and Joey nearly end up in a fight due to the whole “Raw Vs Smackdown” thing that’s going on at the time .

Oooook, Mickie James and Melina go at it on the outside and… no DQ. While the referee is busy watching those 2 go at it, Nitro and Mercury set up Trish for the Snap Shot! Referee catches them in the act and… no DQ. Because… STUFF~! Instead he sends them to the back.

Ah well, I’m glad the match is continuing because it’s been pretty good so far. Melina is really working over Trish’s back and looks more competent in the ring than I remember her being. Though I rarely actually sat through the women matches even in 05 so fuck knows how much good stuff I might have missed (guessing NOT A LOT tbh lol).

MELINA IS A SCREAMER .

MATRIX~!

STIFF ELBOWS FROM TRISH~!

Some nice counters leading into the finish, including Mickie moving Trish out of the way on the apron to avoid getting hit!

This was actually good lol.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Ric Flair Vs Triple H – Last Man Standing Match

Bah. They had a fucking EPIC match at Taboo Tuesday. One of the best cage matches ever. And then they go on to have this match. And it’s a pile of shite. I know because I watched it not too long ago. I was hoping it would be great and somehow I’d just not “got it” before. Nope. Still sucked. Expecting it to still suck this time around. But I’m gonna watch it anyway just to piss off all the people who for some reason think it’s something other than shit . I’m nice like that .

Lillian looks smoking hot. FAP.

HHH attacks Flair on his way to the ring and Flair already looks out on his feet .

HHH burries the IC title by taking it off of Flair and launching it out of the ring. This match isn’t even for the title, yet the cage match was? Well I guess given the result of this match they didn’t want to put the belt on HHH.

KENDO STICK~! Flair hits HHH a few times with it… then drops it in favour of CHOPS~!

A couple of suplexes later and THE GAME is in control… wait, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

HHH HAS A SCREWDRIVER~! HE’S SCREWING THE NATURE BOY~! HE’S SCREWING FLAIR SO HARD HE’S BLEEDING~!

MISSED KNEE DROP~! FLAIR SELLS IT ANYWAY~!

ANOTHER MISSED KNEE DROP~! FLAIR SELLS THAT ONE TOO~!

Some guys completely no sell shit, but Flair sells shit that doesn’t even connect! GOAT.

“COME ON FLAIR. GET UP YOU OLD BASTARD. STAY DOWN OR I’LL PUT YOU DOWN FOR GOOD.” Fucks sake HHH, make your mind up…

Flair grabs HHH’s balls! TESTICULAR CLAW~! Meh, was better in the cage match than here. Everything was better in the cage match than here though .

HHH grabs a chair… then puts it down and punches Flair in the face instead. Which gives Flair a second wind. I know the feeling. When I get punched in the face repeatedly I too get my second wind…

Is Flair a vampire? I ask because he’s kinda obsessed with blood, and he does a lot of biting in this match too . Wait, no, he can’t be, otherwise he wouldn’t look like a 90 year old man nowadays .

Honestly this match has kinda bored me so far, right up until FLAIR makes a comeback and begins to maul HHH’s legs and testicles. HHH on offence is just rarely a thing of beauty and the LMS rules don’t typically make a match good, it’s what the guys in the match DO with the rules. Here it was just HHH hitting a move, waiting for the count, hitting a move, waiting for the count etc. Flair on the other hand is more about trying to destroy HHH’s legs rather than hitting random shit in hopes of it knocking him out long enough.

Fucks sake. HHH, who just had his legs mauled for a couple of minutes and is limping BAD… decides to go to the outside, pick up the “heavy” steel steps, throw them into the ring, pick them up and RUN INTO FLAIR with them. TWICE. Thankfully the second time fails and Flair turns it around on him… but still. WHY EVEN TRY THAT AT ALL? When my knee is giving me problems I try and avoid doing shit that involved me RUNNING or LIFTING HEAVY OBJECTS or… wait, actually that sounds like me when my knee is fine. MY POINT STILL STANDS THOUGH.

PEDIGREE~!

Flair gets up.

PEDIGREE~!

Flair gets up. Gives HHH the finger .

worst corner punches every by HHH. OOOOOO UUUUUHHHH OOOOOO UHHHHH. Those are the noises he makes .

PEDIGREE~!

Flair gets up. OAP Flair, who has been busted open badly and beaten up most of this match… is making HHH’s finisher look like shit .

Sledgehammer to the back and it’s done with.

Match overall isn’t total garbage, that I’ll admit. But it doesn’t even enter the same stratosphere as the Cage match. Has a bunch of flaws (HHH on offence…) but also has some great moments and FLAIR being FLAIR.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Backstage with TEAM SMACKDOWN. Orton is basically saying Batista is useless because he’s hurt. JBL is sucking up to Orton. Mysterio tries to defend Batista. Lashley literally just stands in the back and says NOTHING. Batista shakes his hand and Lashley’s mouth moves but no words come out .

 

LITA FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP. Edge is there too or something. LITA. They announce they will be starting the Cutting Edge soon. Yawn. He mocks some american football player. Yawn. no wait, he’s a Baseball player. My bad. I don’t care. The Baseball dude says he and Edge have something on common; he hits balls, Edge has none. Ummm… how is that having something in common?

 

John Cena Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match

Angle has his own personal referee; Daivari. SO HE CAN’T POSSIBLY LOSE, RIGHT?

I’m watching this PPV the same day I posted No Mercy 2003 on my site. That show features Angle Vs Cena too. Except it’s fucking TREMENDOUS, unlike every other match they ever had. Maybe on this watch I’ll see greatness in this one?

this was during the time the “You Suck” chants were bleeped .

Angle is a tad over in this match . Cena should have stayed on SD against guys like JBL. I swear that’s the only title defence he had in 2005 where he was the defacto face . He moved to Raw and got into a feud with Christian and Jericho, both of whom got cheered over him. Singles feud with Jericho, who got cheered more than him. And then right into an Angle feud, who was over as fuck at the time regardless of his opponent.

Cena hits a HIP TOSS, and Angle sells it like the match could have been over half a dozen times, but the referee doesn’t count! They could have at least done that spot with a move that could have ACTUALLY potentially possibly maybe won the match…

Bischoff before this match CLEARLY told Vince McMahon that he would SCREW Cena just like Vince screwed Bret in 97. So Angle has the Ankle Lock on Cena, Daivari even kicks Cena’s hand off the ropes and… waits to call for the bell when Cena submits. WHY NOT JUST CALL FOR THE BELL? THE PLAN IS TO SCREW CENA.

Cena slaps Daivari a few times to get himself DQ’d because he’s a pussy. Angle stops the DQ, but Daivari gets taken out so now we get a normal non biased referee.

Angle apparently went to Steiner School since 90% of his offence is suplexes. 6% is submission holds, 2% is punches and the other 14.7% is mat wrestling.

FIVE KNUCKLE WUFFLE~! WHY DID COACH SAY IT LIKE THAT?

Angle clotheslines the referee so we can get another one because… he didn’t like that one? I could understand if Bischoff came running out or something… but another normal referee? WHAT WAS THE POINT?!?!

Angle uppercuts the new referee. Why didn’t that referee DQ Angle in the first place for attacking the other ref?

Lil’ Naich from SD comes out to be the 4th referee, and does nothing but get in the ring and count to 3 straight away because Angle walks into an F-U.

What a load of shitty fuck this match is.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Eric Bischoff Vs Teddy Long

Fuck. Off.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Batista, JBL, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio & Bobby Lashley Vs Shawn Michaels, Kane, The Big Show, carlito & Chris Masters – Raw Vs Smackdown Survivor Series Elimination Match

Eddie Guerrero was supposed to be in this match .

Complete silence for Lashley’s entrance . He’s been on TV for like 2 months or something at this point, and was a last minute addition to the team because Eddie couldn’t make it .

So we start with HBK and Orton, who were the final 2 men in the 2003 Raw SVS Elimination Match, which ended with Orton defeating HBK and ending Austin’s career!

SLAPS~!

Orton sells the second slap better than 90% of guys sell a punch.

Masters and Lashley face off and it makes me sad. Masters no longer works for a major promotion and Lashley is TNA World Champion. No justice in the world.

Anyone else really love Lashley’s overhead Belly to Belly suplexes?

LOL Kane chokeslams Lashley while he’s on the apron and hasn’t even been tagged in. HBK pins and he is out of here! Liked how Masters kicked Lashley’s foot away so he couldn’t put it on the ropes given how close he was. Small thing that 99% of people wouldn’t notice but I saw it and loved it because I’m an uber wrestling geek .

the commentators going at it verbally is more interesting than some of the in ring stuff . Tazz and Styles go at it like they legit want to kill each other. Lawler tries to be witty and fails miserably.

Batista finally gets a tag and despite being injured, manages to turn the tide and eliminate Kane!

CHOKESLAM FROM BIG SHOW~! BATISTA KICKS OUT!!!

Kane hasn’t left yet. Show takes out everyone on the apron, then they land a double chokeslam on Batista! The World Heavyweight Champion is eliminated!!!

Big Show Vs The World takes place which is always . Totally murders Rey at one point:

Then everyone gangs up on the giant and hit their finishers… TWICE. Except for Orton. WHY DOES NOBODY TRY TO BREAK UP PINS?!?! I still fucking hate that about elimination matches.

FALL AWAY SLAM ON THE FLOOR~!

Yawn, Carlito with a rest hold. HE GETS CLOTHESLINED STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL . JBL is on fire! Meanwhile HBK is dead on the outside after that Fall Away Slam lol. Seriously. He’s just LAYING THERE. Not moving. Nothing .

Masters gets eliminated, and now it’s a 3 on 1 situation for poor old HBK who is STILL DEAD on the floor .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO MYSTERIO~!

SWEET CHIN MUSIC TO ORTON SECONDS LATER~!

Orton Vs HBK one more time!

WE WANT TAKER chants .

HBK mounts a big comeback, but both men are exhausted. JBL attempts to level Shawn with a chair, misses and gets taken out… but HBK turns around into an RKO!!! Orton is the sole survivor 3 years in a row, and Team Smackdown have won it!!!

All the SD guys come out to celebrate, and then…

BONG~!

THE RETURN OF THE UNDERTAKER!!!

I like how Orton is terrified and trying to get away but the SD guys have him on their shoulders and don’t let him down for ages .

THE CASKET IS ON FIRE! THE CASKET IS ON FIRE AND THERE IS A HUMAN BEING IN THERE~!

The Undertaker emerges from a casket on fire, and he’s out for fucking REVENGE. He’s also sporting some bad ass stubble too .

UNDERTAKER SQUASHES THE ENTIRE SMACKDOWN ROSTER . If HHH did this he’d get shit on to no end. Undertaker does it and it’s the greatest thing ever. And I’m ok with that .

So, the match. The match is good. A ton of fun. Probably not what it SHOULD have been, had Batista not been injured a couple of weeks prior and Eddie Guerrero didn’t pass away ( ), but they worked a good match regardless. Carlito sucked balls but at least he took a killer Clothesline from Hell. Orton surviving one more time was cool, and nice to see it start with him and HBK and end with him and HBK too. Undertaker return at the end was just icing on the cake. Delicious chocolate icing that tastes better than the actual cake. Not to say the cake isn’t nice because it is, but damn, that icing just makes it a whole lot better. I’m hungry.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 3.5

The Great American Bash 2005

 

I’m actually really looking forward to watching this show. For ONE match and one match only, but it’s one of my favourite matches so… .

 

MNM Vs Road Warrior Animal & Heidenreich – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Thought about skipping this match, but I miss MNM so I’m gonna sit through it anyway.

Who the fuck looked at Animal and Heidenreich and thought “HEY LETS PUT THESE TWO TOGETHER AS A NEW VERSION OF THE ROAD WARRIORS!!”? Probably Johnny Ace, being jelous of his brother’s success .

Animal has dedicated this match to Hawk. So either we’re getting new tag champs or Animal is gonna look like a disappointing prick .

Mercury is killing it early on, taking a couple of somewhat basic bumps but milking the fuck out of them, going to the outside, holding his face and having Melina check on him lol.

MNM gain control with their great tag work and a little bit of cheating too . They take out the legs of Heidenreich and use some pretty cool and unique holds on him to work over the leg. Dammit, I think I’m gonna have to do some big MNM project at some point. Once I finish up my 06 project. Undertaker in 2008 project. ECW 2010 project. Probably some other project I’ve started and forgotten .

Hot tag to Animal who runs through both opponents, until he takes a shot to the face with one of the tag belts!

1…2… KICK OUT! Animal is doing this for Hawk, and he ain’t giving up that easy!

DOOMSDAY DEVICE! DOOMSDAY DEVICE! DOOMSDAY DEVICE!

WE’VE GOT NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!!!

Well this was a solid match. Not that much too it beyond MNM looking great as a team. They just attack Heidenreich’s leg for a while before Animal makes a hot tag, and then the match is over about a minute later . Feel good moment I guess with Animal winning the tag belts for Hawk.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Eddie asks for some interview time. He’s creepy as FUCK. Awesome . Love that he’s wearing an “Eddie stole my other shirt” shirt. HE STOLE HIS OWN SHIRT. Wait… does it count as stealing if it was yours to begin with?

Eddie tells us that there is a new stipulation for the match with Rey tonight; Rey’s son Dominick gets to be at ringside to watch the match!

 

Christian Vs Booker T

The beginning of the end for Christian in WWE until 2009 . He was red hot on Raw… so they moved him to SD. And did fuck all with him. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW VINCE ROLLS. Prick.

Hell, if I had to wrestle Booker fucking T on PPV I’d leave the company too .

This match is taken place because Christian attacked Booker T from behind before a match. So what happens here? Booker T attacks Christian from behind on the outside to start the match. Fucking hypocrite!

Booker ends up going shoulder first into the ring post and Christian is in control.

ANACONDA VICE BY CHRISTIAN~!

Nothing special whatsoever here. Booker isn’t exactly setting the world on fire with his selling, and Christian is kinda dull controlling the match too. He IS a much better face after all, but still. Boooring here.

Christian for some reason decides to grab Sharmell. Guess he wants some of her like Angle did . He gets slapped for his trouble, and walks right into a Book End!

CHRISTIAN KICKS OUT OF A BOOK END!!! Take THAT, suckaaaa!

From there they at least create some excitement with a cool finishing stretch. Some kickouts etc but never wasting their finishers aside from that Book End, which Christian only kicked out of because Booker was too hurt to cover straight away.

In the end it takes a Scissors Kick from the SECOND ROPE to put Christian away.

Dull first half, great second half. Shame Booker had to win though.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Orlando Jordan Vs Chris Benoit – WWE United states Championship Match

The thought of watching an OJ match makes me wanna punch someone in the face. BUT I’ve been told that this is actually pretty good. It has BENOIT in it so how bad could it possibly be, right?

Wow, 40 years of the US title this year (2014).

They mention on commentary that Benoit and Eddie had a match on SD days before. EVERYONE GO WATCH THAT MATCH NOW. It’s fucking incredible, and probably their second best match in WWE together (behind Vengeance 03. Fuck the haters!).

Benoit is his usual intense and violent self at the start of the match, really taking it to OJ. He does that clothesline/axehandle smash like move coming off the ropes and fuck me I have no idea how OJ even got back up after that.

OJ targets the arm of Benoit in hopes of gaining some sort of control in this match. Benoit sells it well, and OJ… doesn’t thrill me with his arm work lol. You are in the ring with fucking CHRIS BENOIT. Sitting in a sodding arm lock should not even enter your mind tbh. WORK. THE. HOLD.

OJ does that stupid “O J” sign with his finger, allowing Benoit an opportunity to double leg him and punch him in the fucking face . I’ve said it a billion times but I LOVE Benoit’s style and how he makes opponents WORK for control. He’s always looking for openings and will ALWAYS take them, forcing his opponent to take back the control and make sure they don’t give the guy any more opportunities for offence.

For some reason OJ decides to go after Benoit’s neck… after spending half the match focusing on the arm. Then after about 2 minutes of attacking the neck… he’s right back to the arm. Make up your fucking mind dammit.

Benoit looks great during his comeback, sells well still, with the arm work coming into play as OJ is able to break the grip during a German Suplex attempt at one point. Nice little touch.

They end up battling in the corner, and OJ removes the turnbuckle pad and sends Benoit face first into it! JORDAN WINS!

Overall a really good match, but it could have been better had OJ done more than sit in holds. It’s these small things that prevent a match from really being great. Luckily everything else is spot on. I doubt OJ has ever or will ever have a match this good again.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

The Undertaker Vs Muhammad Hassan – #1 Contender Match for the World Heavyweight Championship

Hassan. Gets moved to SD, feuds with Undertaker… and happens to have a bunch of terrorists come out and choke Undertaker… the same week as terrorists set off bombs in London. And so his career was over. Some people say it was a shame. For him personally, yeah it was. However as a fan, I don’t think it was a shame at all. He sucked. His heat could have been generated by ANYONE. He was anti-American. It’s been done a million times. And by much more talented people that him.

Terrorists have surrounded the ring for the match. Because apparently WWE didn’t learn their lesson…

Hassan botches escaping from Undertaker. He was going from corner to corner, ducking punches and running away… and at one point ends up getting punched in the top of his head .

possibly the GOAT “ref runs away from Undertaker” spot, with the referee diving out of the ring and landing wrong, so he ended up taking a bump to the floor .

While the referee recovers, TERRORISTS ATTACK THE UNDERTAKER. I just can’t get over the fact WWE have TERRORISTS on PPV .

Awesome shot from Undertaker, and Hassan takes it like he really got punched in the face. He just fucking collapses:

Any time Undertaker starts to mount some offence, those TERRORISTS keep getting involved and choking him out with wire.

at some of the faces Undertaker is throwing out while in a Camel Clutch:

Awesome.

CHOKESLAM~! Undertaker wins!!!

After the match, the TERRORIST attack the Dead Man, but end up being MURDERED one by one.

And then finally, the career of Muhammad Hassan is ENDED by The Undertaker!!!

Match is pretty crappy. Hassan does fuck all. Undertaker hits moves, the TERRORISTS attack Undertaker, Hassan tries to pin Undertaker. Rinse and repeat until Undertaker wins.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

bWo Vs Mexicools

Well, TERRORISTS tried to kill Undertaker and Undertaker tried to kill Hassan… so let’s follow that with a comedy match! Yey!

the Mexicools give the Spanish Announce Team a rake .

Mexicools come out on ride on lawn mowers, so the bWo come out on big wheels .

at Psicosis screaming in terror as Steve and Nova Irish Whip Meanie into him in the corner .

Mexicools win. Not much else to see. Mindless fun match and nothing more.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Rey Mysterio – If Eddie wins, he will reveal Rey’s secret

This is gonna be EPIC.

Oh god, Eddie is GOAT before the match even begins. Demanding that Rey shake his hand and they both smile at Dominick and then hug. Eddie is such a piece of shit, it’s AWESOME. He’s entertaining as hell, but at the same time you still absolutely wanna hate him because he’s being such a CUNT .

At JD, Rey was all about wanting to beat the shit out of Eddie for revenge. Here it’s a different match completely, with Rey trying to go for numerous quick pins in hopes of ending this one quick and putting this “secret” to rest for good.

Eddie gets crotched in the corner… AND SELLS HIS TESTICLES. If that isn’t the greatest sell job in history then I don’t know what is.

Oh man, Rey is superb too. He gets ONE opening and quick as a fucking flash he’s sent Eddie into the ropes, hit a 619 and landing the West Coast Pop!!!

EDDIE KICKS OUT~!

Eddie kicked out and Rey is nearly CRYING because he didn’t win the match. Amazing. Eddie is playing the evil cunt heel to perfection and Rey is playing his part to perfection too.

Oh man, more Eddie cunty heel schtick. He grabs Dominick and puts him between himself and Rey. Then when he lets him go and Rey checks on him, Eddie attacks Rey from behind!!!

All the while Eddie keeps looking back over at Dominick and smiling .

Between being a complete DICK, Eddie is of course trying to win the match. Working over the back of Mysterio, as well as being a DICK and stomping on his head etc.

Mysterio is in almost a life or death situation though, so no matter what Eddie does, he cannot put Rey away!

Another flurry of offence from Rey, which leads to him going for a legdrop off the ropes, only to miss. Eddie is as he gets back up and starts DANCING WITH JOY at the fact he missed the legdrop, and then hits the 3 Amigos!!!

BRAINBUSTER~! Eddie Vs Murdoch in a Brainbuster match please. If heaven exists it’s probably already happened .

FROGSPLASH~! Eddie is cocky as fuck, looks over at Dominick again… then gets caught in a flash pin by Rey!!!! REY DID IT! REY DID IT!!!

I need to start up smoking just so I can have a cigarette every time I finish watching this match. Glorious. I don’t think STARS~! could ever do this match justice… that being said, I’m gonna slap some on it anyway. Fuck the haters, it’s happening. And it deserves EVERY star it’s getting. This match is perfect. PERFECT. Storytelling is off the charts. Character work from both men makes every main eventer on the main roster in WWE right now look like they’ve been in the business for a week. The actual in ring work is possibly underrated too, because it DOES get overshadowed by everything else, but there is NOTHING that can be pointed to as being anything short of fantastic imo.

Rating: *****
CAL SCALE – 9

 

Torrie Wilson Vs Melina – Bra & Panties Match – Special Guest Referee Candice Michelle

FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Batista Vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship Match

33 minutes still left on the DVD. Even if they take up 13 minutes with the video package and entrances… that STILL leaves 20 minutes for the match .

Video package and entrance are over. 25 minutes left still .

They fumble about and brawl or something… then JBL sits in rest holds to wear down Batista. I read an article on “What if Sega still made consoles”. It was pretty shit but I had more fun reading it that sitting through most of this match.

Ref bump. Orlando Jordan. Cheating. Batista decks JBL with a chair and gets DQ’d. After all of that, the match ends in a fucking DQ?

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 13.5

Judgment Day 2005

 

Here stands the sinful man, to face his judgment day…

 

MNM Vs Hardcore Holly & Charlie Hass – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Melina needs to return to do nothing but her entrance every night.

Hass & Holly. What a team.

Crazy arm drag near the start of this match that was SUPPOSED to send Nitro through the ropes, but he got all caught up instead and ruined what could have potentially been an awesome spot .

Mercury makes a mistake of CHOPPING Hardcore Holly. Oh boy. Holly turns him around and chops the absolute shit out of him . Nitro tries to help out and runs right into a chop too and gets knocked off the apron!

Holly and Hass seem to have this one in hand, with Holly setting Mercury up for the Alabama Slam… but gets caught with a superkick behind the referee’s back!

Time for MNM to take control, something I’m a fan of. Really enjoyed MNM’s run back in the day, they were probably the best team WWE had after the E&C/Hardys/Dudleys era and before THE SHIELD came along.

Bah, MNM barely get any time to work over Holly before he makes the hot tag. Hass comes in on FIRE, and even launches himself over the ropes onto both Nitro and Mercury! Melina gets involved to no avail, but Holly ends up running shoulder first into the ring post leaving Hass alone for a Snap Shot.

Fine match. Just didn’t get the time it needed to really be a good match.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

The Big Show Vs Carlito

Carlito poisoned Big Show with an Apple . He never has much luck. Poison Apple. Bad Burrito. Shot with a tranquilliser gun…

Matt Morgan is the bodyguard for Carlito. He looks pretty weird with jet black hair and beard . Oh he also has a stutter because…

Show dominates early on, then Morgan interferes and Carlito gets about 20 seconds of offence in before Show just starts throwing him away with one hand which is pretty fun to watch. Big Show is basically telling Carlito to fuck off because he’s nothing .

REF BUMP~!

F-5 FROM MATT MORGAN~!

Carlito wins.

Well this was… a match.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Paul London Vs Chavo Guerrero – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Chavo is pretty aggressive early on. London tries to take him down and Chavo just kicks the shit out of him. Guess he’s letting out all that built up frustration that he’s had bottled up for years from being a disappointment to the Guerrero family… .

London has bad ribs going into this match or something (not taped up though), but they aren’t bothering him much early on… until he goes for a 450 splash and lands right on the knees of Chavo! Fuck, normally with shit like that you can clearly see how they’ve protected themselves… but not here. Looked like London actually landed ribs first onto Chavo’s knees. OUCH.

So… London is retarded. Chavo is working his bad ribs, then the moment he gets a chance to make a comeback… he does a flip off the ropes to the floor. And BARELY even touches Chavo, instead landing back first HARD on the mat. So Chavo sucks for not protecting him, and London sucks for doing that kind of move in this match. And then basically not fucking selling it straight after. Bah.

450 Splash about a minute later and London retains. Damn. Never thought a match with Chavo would have a problem OTHER THAN Chavo being in the match.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Booker T is looking for Angle. Turns out Angle is off to rape Sharmell. She’s saved by the… music, in this case, as Angle’s music starts playing for his match . WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?

 

Kurt Angle Vs Booker T

Oh god, this feud . Angle goes from feuding with HBK at WM to… wanting to rape Sharmell .

Kurt Angle likes gutter sluts .

He wants perverted bestiality sex with Sharmell .

Oh, not watching this match btw. Fuck that .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Orlando Jordan Vs Heidenreich – WWE United States Championship Match

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Rey Mysterio

Fuck. Yes.

THIS is the match I wanted to see on this show. Already watched their awful, awful WM match, and their average ladder match from SS. Now it’s time to watch the real good stuff from their feud. JD, followed by the GAB match. Hell I might even stick on their SD match in between too for the hell of it. Possibly even their cage match too.

Eddie slowly turning into a heel was just tremendous. Nobody, NOBODY was better than Eddie Guerrero in 2005 around this time. NO. BODY.

Great to see a match with Eddie and Mysterio start off as a FIGHT rather than them doing fancy shit. Mysterio was taken out with a brainbuster on the steel steps and is returning tonight to take revenge, and Eddie, well, has gone insane over the last few weeks. Both guys want to DESTROY the other. Just cool to know that these guys can put on the most perfect wrestling/high flying match like at Halloween Havoc 1997 and then have a match like this where they want to kill on another.

The back, ribs and neck of Rey are still hurt from that Brainbuster on the steps a few weeks ago, so Eddie makes sure to focus on everything. Smashing Rey back first onto the announce table, hitting that beautiful back suplex than only Eddie can do so perfectly, applying a headlock, and of course the classic abdominal stretch!

Eddie is out to prove on thing and one thing only; he’s BETTER than Rey Mysterio. After his loss to Rey at WM, Eddie slowly began to lose it, and slowly but surely he turned heel as he decided he needs to do anything and everything to BEAT Rey, no matter the cost to their friendship.

Rey gets a bunch of little comeback attempts as you would expect, but unlike usual, he isn’t flying around, instead he’s just trying to punch the fuck out of Eddie. This is PERSONAL, and an arm drag ain’t personal enough!

Eddie begins to drag Rey outside to the steel steps to hit another Brainbuster, and Rey’s attempts to get away are just incredible. He KNOWS what Eddie wants to do to him, and he desperately tries to escape until Eddie grabs the back of his mask and pummels him. Beautiful lol. Rey manages to save himself by shoving Eddie into the ring post, then uses the ring post for a unique 619!!!

BIG BOOT FROM MYSTERIO~! The whole set up to it was awesome too. Now it’s time for a Mysterio comeback . He uses a mix of quick high flying moves to ground Eddie, then follows up with PUNCHES TO THE FACE .

TOP ROPE SUPERPLEX~! Rey’s back and ribs may not recover from that!

Eddie makes the cover… but Rey kicks out! Eddie gets angry and continues to cover Rey who continues to kick out!

Cool to see Eddie calm himself down so he doesn’t lose focus and potentially cost himself the match. He goes for 3 Amigos, but ends up caught up in the ropes, perfect position for the 619! Rey is too hurt to follow up though.

For some reason Chavo shows up to distract the referee, allowing Eddie to bring a chair in. It backfires on Eddie though, and he still ends up taking a 619!!!

West Coast Pop coming up… and Rey flies right into a CHAIR SHOT TO THE FACE. Eddie has lost it, and gets DQ’d as a result. This is FAR from over!!!

Eddie continues to beat the fuck out of Rey with a chair after the match. FINALY appearance to help Rey to the back .

God, this is spectacular. The HATE~! The way Eddie does whatever he can to beat Rey, only to realise that on this night he CAN’T do it, so he smashes Rey’s face in with a chair instead. He can’t BEAT Mysterio, but he can sure as hell BEAT HIM UP. And this will soften Mysterio up for the next time they wrestle!

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

John Cena Vs JBL – WWE Championship I Quit Match

JBL is carrying the ORIGINAL WWE Championship belt to the ring, because Cena has that god awful pile of shite spinner belt that lasted WAY too long. Now he have another shitty belt design brought to us by The Rock. Just bring back the WWE/Undisputed title back please. It looked awesome.

What. The. Fuck. Cena comes out on… a big truck thingy with speakers and some loser DJ making Cena’s theme sound even worse. Then he walks on JBL’s limo and breaks the bullhorns off. VANDAL~!

MOVE ON THE FLOOR~! No idea what it was exactly until they show us a replay because the camera was not in position. Tazz thinks it was a DDT, despite the fact Cena is up BEFORE JBL who hit the move . Turns out it was a neckbreaker.

“SAY I QUIT OR YOUR ASS IS MINE!”. Cena better say it tbh, because we’ve all heard the stories of JBL in the shower with guys .

right after that JBL steals the belt off the time keeper.

CHOKING CENA USING THE BELT AND RING POST~! But of course Super Cena is able to be choked out for a while then fight right out of it .

Close call on that back body drop from one table through the other. One inch the other way and JBL could have SERIOUSLY hurt himself there.

Ahh, the ever classic JBL chair shot while down at the side of an announce table . None will ever compare to the Eddie one, but it’s always fun to see. Cena is BUSTED WIDE OPEN too . The way the blood is makes it seem like his NECK is bleeding instead .

STEEL STEPS TO THE FACE~! JBL beating people up never gets olds. Sweet jebus, Cena is really trying to emulate Eddie from the year prior with his blade job. His face and body are COVERED in blood. But despite losing that blood AND being choked with a chain, he still fights back…

Cena comeback. F-U. JBL tries to leave. Tazz: “HEY, YOU CAN’T DO THAT!” .

JBL again hits a neckbreaker on Cena, this time on the hood of the limo. And AGAIN Cena is the first to move around. Fucks sake.

JBL went head first through a TV . I’m sorry, but that’s fucking HILARIOUS rather than brutal. JBL then gets smashed through a limo window and… that does look more brutal than funny .

SUPLEX ON TOP OF THE LIMO~!

Must be great to be able to smash up a limo whenever you feel like it for TV.

Wow, I’m actually getting bored with them beating each other up. JBL seems to just want to choke Cena constantly. He’s done it about 5 times now and it’s never worked for him. And then JBL climbs on a speaker right next to a table in a blatant set up to a table spot.

the finish is fucking hilariously bad . JBL has been beaten up, head through a TV and a car window… but Cena walks over to him with a metal pipe and JBL quits. And then Cena hits him with it anyway because he’s a fucking cunt. Didn’t he do something similar with Batista too? Batista quit and Cena still gave him an F-U through the stage because he’s a fucking piece of shit? Yeah, I’m sure that’s what happened. 2010, right?

This has some good stuff here and there, but overall feels like a forced brawl. Eddie/Rey had a better brawl right before it and didn’t resort to blood or weapons outside of the chair shot that ENDED the match.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 6.5

Backlash 2005

 

ONE. MORE. MATCH. ONE. MORE. MATCH. ONE. MORE. MATCH.

 

Chris Jericho Vs Shelton Benjamin – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

It’s the rematch from Taboo Tuesday!!!

Fun start to this one as they do the whole “2 babyfaces being athletic” shtick. At least… I think Jericho is the babyface. Then it really picks up when Shelton tries to hit a sunset powerbomb from the apron to the floor, only to get countered into a hurricanrana!

From there Jericho definitely goes HEEL~! on us, calling Benjamin a bitch, smashing him onto the exposed barricade and posing the crowd like a douche. Commentators confirm that they ARE both faces here (not in those terms of course, this ain’t Russo era Nitro…). But as the veteran, Jericho knows he can’t be nice all the time during a match especially with the IC title on the line. He wants the GOLD, not the fans love.

JERICHO WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT BY SHELTON~! The act was attempting to springboard off the ropes though. Not sex. That we know of. Maybe he did. Not like the commentators would know. Moving on…

Remember when Shelton turned heel? And didn’t have his MAMMA with him? His entire gimmick was him wearing sunglasses and an open shirt .

Very back and forth style match here, usually having Benjamin using his crazy athleticism to gain the advantage while Jericho uses his veteran instincts to counter Benjamin or anger him enough to make a mistake.

STINGER SPLASH~! LOL IT MISSED~! So apparently STING is appearing on WWE TV tonight (when I’m writing this, duh. 14/07/2014 is the date. Or 07/14/2014 if you live in one of those backward places ).

T-BONE~! Jericho is too near the ropes and easily gets his foot on the bottom rope to break the count despite the fact both his legs were under the ropes the entire time AND Shelton was under the ropes too. Stupid fucking referee.

awesome counter from Jericho who avoided that spinning kick thingy Shelton does, turning it right into the Walls of Jericho! And this time Shelton grabs the ropes.

Loving Jericho channelling his HEELNESS for the match. All about the GOLD baby. Arguing with the referee on 2 counts, kicking Shelton when he’s down (literally), calling Shelton a bitch, and refusing to let go of the Walls even when Shelton gets into the ropes.

Utterly crazy (in a great way) sequence of roll up attempts for the finish with Shelton finally being able to lock a pin on Jericho and getting the win!

Super fun match. Really good. Both guys played their roles really well, especially Jericho taking on the role of a heel so we didn’t get a generic baby face vs baby face match. Shelton has far too much athleticism. It’s not normal. He should give me some of it.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

The Heart Throbs Vs William Regal & Tajiri Vs Maven & Simon Dean Vs La Resistance Vs The Hurricane & Rosey – World Tag Team Championship Tag Team Turmoil Match

The Heart Throbs . Forgot they existed. Originally the Heartbreakers but had to change their name because of Shawn Michael’s nickname. They obviously didn’t want anyone thinking they were associated with HBK .

Regal & Tajiri are the tag champs coming into this match, and in order to retain their belts they must last the entire match! I genuinely don’t remember who wins this so I’m hoping for the champs to retain so we get REGAL AND TAJIRI the entire match.

TAJIRI KICKS~! God we need those the entire match. One of the HT’s break up a pin and Tajiri fucking chases him down and kicks him repeatedly until his partner saves him .

Did the Heart Throbs and THE DICKS ever have a match? Were they even around at the same time?

YES. Tajiri pins one of the HT’s.

I need to lose some weight. Fuck DDP Yoga, I need to get myself on the SIMON SYSTEM!

Poor Tajiri is fucked, but finally gets the hot tag to Regal who MAULS Dean and Maven. KNEE TREMBLER~!

The French dudes waste no time double teaming Regal (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVES) to try and finish him off (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVES) before Tajiri can recover from his double team earlier (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVES).

Tajiri doesn’t stay down for long, and those KICKS make an appearance sooner than I was expecting so YEY .

Not it’s time for REGAL to be the FIP so Tajiri can fully recover on the apron. It doesn’t last too long because Regal is a fucking BOSS and beats the shit out of anyone he gets near.

THOSE DAMN FRENCHIES STEAL A WIN! Regal is pinned with his trunks half way up his arse! This means we are guaranteed NEW tag champs. And also means no more Regal and Tajiri .

OUCH. Fucking OUCH. Hurricane takes a bump over the turnbuckle but his leg catches on the post and fuck me, that HAD to have hurt.

WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM BY ROSEY~! Not just the French that are stealing shit in this match!

Double team move and we have NEW tag team champions… THE HURRICANE AND ROSEY!

Match is fun, but because of the format of the Turmoil match, none of the matches really get enough time to develop into anything that good. None of the pairings were bad, just none stick out.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Chris Benoit Vs Edge – Last Man Standing Match

A sign in the crowd saying “Benoit going over the Edge”. Kinda has a different meaning today…

Benoit is out to HURT Edge and wastes no time with fancy wrestling, instead he takes Edge down and punches him in the fucking face. I wish I could punch Edge in the face. God he was so fucking annoying, useless and stale from like half way through 06 up until he retired.

They end up brawling in the crowd at one point and I have no idea what they are doing because all the camera shows is a bunch of fans screaming and waving the moment the camera gets near to them .

SHARPSHOOTER BY BENOIT~! EARL HEBNER IS THE REFEREE~! EDGE TAPS OUTS~! I JUST REMEMBERED THIS IS A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH~! DAMN~! LOL~!

SUICIDE DIVE INTO A TRASH CAN LID~! Not quite as impactful as the Steel Chair version, but the sound was AWESOME.

SUPERPLEX ONTO A TRASH CAN~! Benoit is convulsing.

Plenty of HATE~! from both men, which is exactly what was needed. I actually really liked Edge during this time. He was a pretty great heel and was a pretty good brawler in his own right too. Shame things went downhill for him basically when he lost the WWE Title after 2 weeks.

GERMAN SUPLEX OF THE FUCKING LADDER. I actually don’t seem to recall that happening before. Or since, actually. Damn, the normal German Benoit hits right afterwards actually looked BETTER .

Missed Diving Headbutt is actually a little difficult to watch as you see him roll around in pain and you know what he’d end up doing in 07.

CROSSFACE~! Edge is tapping out AGAIN but it don’t matter. Benoit keeps it locked in until Edge passes out.

Edge manages to get up, and Benoit goes back on the attack but gets caught with a DDT on the MITB briefcase! Benoit gets up! SPEAR! Benoit gets up AGAIN! Edge cannot believe it! SPEAR! Holy shit Benoit is STILL getting up!

Benoit is refusing to give up here, and Edge has to resort to using a fucking BRICK that he was carrying in the briefcase! Benoit is done.

Really good LMS match that I think tends to get forgotten by a lot of people these days, which is a shame because it’s better than like 70% of the matches people remember. They beat the absolute shit out of each other and don’t have to resort to a million big spots through tables and off the stage etc. The big spots here involve suplexes and a BRICK. And they are better than the shite we tend to get these days.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Lita backstage talking to Kane, saying how she almost wants Viscera to win tonight so Trish has to have sex with him .

 

Lawler brings out a bunch of the diva sluts to promote the new diva magazine. he almost doesn’t recognise Victoria . Chris Masters interrupts.

Time for a $3000 Master Lock Challenge! He picks a women. With muscles. Masters takes the piss and claims she could easily be a man. Which is true. She does kinda look like a man. She doesn’t break the Master Lock. Shocking.

 

Viscera has a slutty red dress for Trish to wear when he fucks her after he beats Kane .

 

Kane Vs Viscera

no.

kidding. I’m totally watching this .

FAP FAP LITA AND FAP FAP TRISH are at ringside.

Viscera returning to WWE at this time was awesome for me as a fan. Always liked him, even if, you know, he’s never really had many great matches . Just one of those guys that I loved as a kid because he was so HUGE and larger than life, and it carried over to me as an adult. NOSTALGIA and all that shizniz.

BIG BEEFIE BASTARDS HITTING EACH OTHER. That about sums this match up . BUT they also show off their athleticism too. Kane with a clothesline off the ropes to the FLOOR, and Viscera with that wheel kick. Always amazes me when I see him do that. How the FUCK does someone THAT BIG do that? I probably couldn’t do that.

Viscera shoves Lita down, even though she’s injured and got a crutch! You bastard! I hate you! Ha, Kane smashes his face into the ring post a few times. TAKE THAT!

CRUTCH TO A STEEL CHAIR SENDING IT RIGHT INTO TRISH’S FACE!!!

Viscera brings Lita into the ring and tries to tongue her. He gets a big boot for his trouble. LOL.

CHOKESLAM TO VISCERA~! Kane wins, and poor Viscera doesn’t get to fuck Trish.

Super fun big man battle. Genuinely good match.

Trish gets in Viscera’s face (not in the way he wanted), so he gives her a BEAR HUG and rag dolls her around. Then he follows it up with a BIG SPLASH. Aaaaand Trish is dead. Viscera just turned face too I think .

WORLD’S LARGEST LOVE MACHINE on his way!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Shawn Michaels & Hulk Hogan Vs Muhammad Hassan & Daivari

ONE. MORE. MATCH. ONE. MORE. MATCH. The words I can honestly say have never come out of my mouth when it comes to Hogan. Unless it’s “I hope to fucking jebus we never get one more match from Hogan”.

Hogan and Shawn start off strong, even hitting a double big boot on Hussan.

Hogan grabs a Hulk Hogan hat from a fan in the front row and puts it on Daivari, then punches him in the face. Ummm… does that mean Hogan hates his fans and wanted to punch the dude in the face? .

HUSSAN HITS SHAWN WITH A PIPE~!

Hussan and Daivari work over Shawn and… its dull because they both suck. Best thing about the match at this point is Hogan working the apron and constantly trying to come into the ring to save HBK.

Shawn, with his bad back history, who got hit in the back with a pipe during this match, and had two guys work over his back… just lifted Hussan on his shoulders out of the Camel Clutch and hit an electric chair.

Well, Hogan out does Shawn by getting hit with the pipe in the back and then Hulking up right after .

SUPER KICK~! Hogan pins Daivari. Shawn hit the super kick btw, not Hogan .

This was… a match. With 4 guys in it. And a pin at the end.

It sucked . Hogan’s apron work was seriously the best part.

Then this happens:

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Christian . He doesn’t have a match tonight though . Maybe he wrestled on Heat. Which sucks because he’s PPV quality. At least he gets to come out for PROMO TIME. He’s going to RAP .

ON RAW, YOU’VE GOT BATISTA, WITH MUSCLES TO SPARE.

BUT HE’S GOT CHARISMA, LIKE TOMKO’S GOT HAIR.

YOU’VE GOT TRIPLE H & RIC FLAIR, THEIR LEGEND STILL GROWS.

26 TITLES BETWEEN THEM, AND THE WORLD’S BIGGEST NOSE.

HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT JBL? YOU KNOW THE RICH GUY ON SMACKDOWN.

I HEARD HIS TAXES ARE STILL SOARING, BUT HE’S NO WRESTLING GOD, HE’S THE GOD OF BORING.

Yeah I’m bored of writing that out now .

 

Batista Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship match

So this match is all about the PEDIGREE. HHH claims Batista FEARS it, and knows that if HHH hits it in the match, his title reign is OVER.

A slight distraction from Flair on the outside, and HHH runs right at Batista to start this thing off! 2 Pedigree attempts and Batista escapes with fear in his eyes and HHH just smiles. Then Batista fires back by attempting a Batista Bomb and HHH is the one to back away in fear! Nice little story for this match and so far they are executing it well .

HHH keeps trying to land the Pedigree, but on a 3rd attempt Batista just POWERS HHH up and over the ropes to the floor, so HHH needs to change up his game plan. SPINEBUSTER INTO THE BARRICADE~! SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR~! And now HHH begins to take the power away from the WHC and work on the back! Smart stuff!

The back work already pays off early as Batista catches a small break and attempts the Batista Bomb again, but he simply cannot lift The Game up!

HHH is doing nothing fancy here. Elbows to the back. Smashing his shoulder into the back. Strong Irish Whip into the corner. Simple stuff, but it all looks great and Batista is actually selling the back really fucking well too. More often than not it’s the simple shit that makes matches good, and so far this is proof of that.

Dammit. Batista starts to build momentum, and as he does, he basically fucking ignores the back work. His entire selling of it involves him holding his back for a second after throwing HHH into the ring steps. Fucks sake Batista, this match was going so well until you FUCKED IT UP.

Now Batista is making it worse by doing things like a fucking powerslam. SELL. THE. BACK. YOU. FUCK.

Batista easily picks HHH up for the Batista Bomb (because you know, it’s easier to do now after his back has been destroyed the entire match…), but HHH had the WHC in his hands and smashes it right in the face of the champ!!!

Pedigree attempt and oh look Batista POWERS OUT OF IT. Because his injured back makes him stronger…

REF BUMP~!

PEDIGREE~!

HHH HAS THE MATCH WON BUT THE REFEREE IS DEAD~!

Flair throws the referee back in but he’s still dead . You’d think that for such an important match they’d have backup referees ready to come out just in case. Instead we get another referee showing up 2 minutes later still putting his referee shirt on because he wasn’t prepared .

SPINEBUSTER~! Batista is still able to hit these big power moves because NO SELLING~!

LOW BLOW TO THE REFEREE . HHH obviously thinks he’s about to lose. And he is.

LOW BLOW TO BATISTA~!

Batista steals Undertaker’s Last Ride spot by hitting the Batista Bomb out of the corner, and this is over. Batista retains.

*sigh* this was on its way to being fucking GREAT. And then Batista decided that selling is for losers and killed it. Shame.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 11