Month: January 2016

 

Breaking Point 2009

 

ENTER A WORLD OF SUFFERING, WHERE EVERYONE HAS A BREAKING POINT, AND THE CHALLENGE IS TO FiND IT. Why do I feel that’s directed at me?

 

Awesome theme for the PPV though. Unbroken by Lynyrd Skynyrd!

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs MVP & Mark Henry – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

BIG SHOW AND HENRY . Hope they get some time to be all BEEFIE together.

Jericho is a little confused and wanders into the wrong corner, only for Henry to just fucking blast him in the face .

Henry tags in, and yes, Jericho runs to tag in Big Show . INCOMING BEEFIE BATTLE~!

MARK HENRY CATCHES BIG SHOW IN THE AIR DURING A RUNNING SPLASH IN THE CORNER . Henry picks Show up for a body slam with ease, walks with him a couple of steps, but Jericho comes from behind to knock him over and let Show land on him! Gotta say, I am SO HAPPY they did the spot that way. Henry still didn’t ACTUALLY slam Big Show yet (saving it for the finishing stretch I’d assume), but at the same time it wasn’t that lame “oh noes he can’t do it” spot that happens far too often. Well done, guys .

They try to turn Henry into the FIP, but no such luck lol. Not long before he’s tagging out and MVP comes in to ruin things .

SPEAR~! MVP is dead.

Time for MVP to be worked over, and meh, nobody cares really. This show is in Montreal so the fans are behind Jericho, so it doesn’t help that MVP can’t get any fan support .

HENRY IS BACK IN THE MATCH~!

Jericho gets destroyed, Big Show comes in and even he gets taken out by the not-quite World’s Strongest Man!

Awesome counter to the Code Breaker, but Show decks Mark with a WMD punch and this one is over.

Nothing amazing, but this is certainly an inoffensive match .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

A backstage interview with Cody and Teddy? OH BOY I BET THIS IS EXCITING!!!

 

Kofi Kingston Vs The Miz – WWE United States Championship Match

Well, didn’t long to find my breaking point!!!

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H & Shawn Michaels Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Submissions Count Anywhere Match

They do lots of punching, in the ring, then into the crowd, then at the merch stand. At one point the crowd start on OLE chant. Was Zayn in attendance?

After far too long doing some shitty brawling in the crowd, they make their way back to ringside, where HHH makes good use of a chair to aid him in a Boston Crab, with HBK joining in on the fun too before Teddy makes the save.

Aaaand more brawling in the crowds, with a weird “big bump” by HBK that just kinda came out of nowhere and nobody seemed to react .

Shawn is dead or something, leaving HHH to fend for himself. I am SO FUCKING BORED right now.

Ok, now HHH is dead and they just kinda ignore him and go after HBK who has been revived by the Dragon Balls or something.

Best part of this match so far is a Spike Piledriver tease.

I think the Figure Four has been used about 5 times in this match already…

In the end, a Figure Four on Shawn using the ring post while Teddy applies the Million Dollar Dream finally forces a submission. I personally tapped out ages ago. This was terrible.

Also, HBK in a SUBMISSIONS MATCH in MONTREAL… and not a single Sharpshooter to be seen?

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Orton backstage getting interviewed about the Legacy match, and he looks like he’s falling asleep .

 

Kane Vs The Great Khali – Singapore Cane Match

Kane in a Cane match. Ha.

This match is hilariously bad .

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~! Talking with Punk about his upcoming match against THE UNDERTAKER . Jimmy Wang Yang scares the shit out of Punk by turning the lights out and making him think Undertaker is there . Jimmy Wang Yang gets beaten up .

 

Christian Vs William Regal – ECW Championship Match

Well, WWE fucked us over at SS by having this match go seconds. Thankfully they make up for it with this one . Have I mentioned I got to see Regal Vs Christian LIVE for the ECW title on an ECW taping a month after this? And it was AWESOME .

Regal comes to the ring with BIG ZEKE and VLAD, and looks like the cockiest motherfucker on the planet… until it’s announced that TIFFANY ( ) has banned them from ringside!!!

Regal wisely taking off his coat BEFORE the bell rings tonight. He ain’t wanting no repeat of SummerSlam, and no wrestling fan with any sort of love for the business does either.

Aggressive as fuck tie up to start things off, followed up with an ELBOW TO THE FACE by Regal, which Christian answers with a SLAP TO THE FACE and a Killswitch attempt!!! 30 seconds in and this is already the best thing on the show!

Regal is already bleeding from the mouth and I think it likely happened from one of the huge slaps to the face lol. Regal gains come revenge when he knocks Christian off the apron and Christian bumps in a way that makes it seem like he is hurt BAD. Such a fantastic bumper, is Christian.

Watching these two just work a couple of spots from a Gecko Roman Knuckle Lock is masterful. Oh how I wish Regal was still a fully active in ring competitor right now. Same with Christian, actually. Seems he’s retired without any real announcement .

the Half Nelson suplex from Regal has to be one of my all time favourite moves EVER. I always give it to my CAW in wrestling games… at least when it’s available in the game. I know they took it out at one point and I was sad .

Regal follows that up by grabbing Christian’s head and just smashing it with multiple forearm shots . Regal NEEDS that ECW Championship, and is willing to DESTROY Christian to gain it!

Now he’s just running into Christian’s head with his knee . All of this punishment to the head/neck area sets up Christian perfectly for EITHER the Regal Stretch submission or the KNEE TREMBLER. William Regal knows exactly what he’s doing!

Absolutely EVERYTHING Regal does in this match looks nasty and knarly and is designed to fuck up Christian’s head in some way.

REGAL PLEX~!

CHRISTIAN COMEBACK~!

Christian is firing back on Regal, even charging at HIS face with an elbow for a bit of retribution. Regal manages to put an end to the momentum at one point, but ONE mistake from Regal allows the ECW Champion to land the Killswitch and this match is over!

Epicness. Just pure epicness. And their ECW TV match is even better . I’m biased though cos I was there live .

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Pat Patterson comes out, then Ziggler interrupts and attacks him, and Morrison comes out to check on him while Ziggler just slowly walks away. How… utterly pointless.

 

Randy Orton Vs John Cena – WWE Championship I Quit Match

One down. 3 to go. I can do this. Once I get through this, I’m halfway done with their 09 matches together. Well, not exactly half way because, you know, Iron Man… but yeah…

Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle in this match. Is he trying to make Orton quit out of sheer embarrassment?

HANDCUFFS~! Things are about to get KINKY in Montreal! Pat Patterson must have a huge… smile right now.

Orton pounds Cena in the head a few times and then… unlocks the cuffs, so he can move him and tie him to the ring post instead.

This match seems to be all about what Orton it WILLING to do to make Cena say I Quit, and what Cena is ABLE to take and not say I Quit.

I know blood isn’t typically really needed to make a match, but man, if this wasn’t during the PG years, I can imagine Cena being covered in blood at this point while hanging from the ring post and it really would have added to the match imo.

SINGAPORE CANES~! Orton is brutalising Cena here, but he simply WILL NOT QUIT.

LOW BLOW~! Orton falls down and that gives Cena the chance to unhook himself from the ring post, but he is still handcuffed. Props to Cena for taking all those unprotected cane shots to the stomach too. Guy looks like he has stretch marks from giving birth… and they are bleeding .

Well, Cena managed to escape the ring post before, so this time Orton makes sure to HANDCUFF him around the ring post so there is no escape!

CHAIR SHOTS~!

Orton is basically torturing Cena live on PPV at this point. Thus making Orton the biggest babyface in the history of wrestling .

CENA GETS THE KEY~! CENA IS FREE~!

CENA HANDCUFFS HIMSELF TO ORTON~! Orton is fucking terrified, while Cena is fucking PISSED. Orton has just been torturing Cena for the last 10 or so minutes, and now he has NOWHERE TO RUN from a very, very angry John Cena!!!

RKO~!

Orton grabs around his neck for the key, only to realise it isn’t there, but sees it over the other side of the ring and desperately begins to reach over for it, while Cena does whatever he can to keep him away!

STFU~! Orton quits immediately.

I’m still not fond of the way Orton quits straight away, but I don’t think I hate it quite as much as I did back when it first happened. And I think overall I enjoyed this match more too. Still not anything great, and their NWO 08 match still shits all over it, but hey, it’s a not bad Cena/Orton match, and that has to count for something, right?

Oh yeah Cena is the WWE Champion again lol. Forgot the title was on the line .

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

CM Punk Vs The Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship Submission Match

Main event time .

Hmmm… this PPV is in Montreal. Where, as I mentioned earlier, the Montreal Screwjob happened in 1997. They didn’t tease anything with that during the HBK match, and Cena wasn’t screwed over in the I Quit match… so logically, a screwjob MUST happen in this match! Because let’s face it, Undertaker is NOT tapping out to Punk, or anyone else for that matter (except kinda sorta Lesnar that one time and kinda sorta Angle that other time…).

Punk is the only STRAIGHT EDGE World Champion in history. Hmmm… I think MR BACKLUND might have something to say about that tbh!

Punk tries to stick and move early on here, doing his best to avoid the POWER of the Dead Man. It doesn’t work for long.

Taker punches the shit out of Punk for a while, then launches him into the barricade for Punk to take a great back bump, before being able to move out of the way and have Taker bump into the barricade instead!

CHAIR SHOTS~!

Remember that running jumping SUPERKICK that HBK hits on Foley at Mind Games ’96? Well, Punk does that to Undertaker here without the use of a chair!!!

STRIKE EXCHANGE~! Punk looked like he could stand toe to toe with Taker here thanks to some sweet kicks to the head, but not even that is enough to beat Undertaker one on one in a strike exchange!

Speaking of sweet kicks to the head, Punk counters a chokeslam with one and Undertaker just CRUMPLES to the floor!

HELLS GATE~! PUNK TAPS OUT~! UNDERTAKER IS THE NEW WHC!!!

Right?

Wrong! Enter SCREWJOB part 1… Teddy Long comes out to inform us that Hells Gate was BANNED in 2008 by Vickie Guerrero, and never actually reinstated, so this match will need to continue!!!

Well, pissing off The Undertaker is not a smart thing to do, but Punk is still able to lock in the Anaconda Vice, and OMG THE REFEREE RINGS THE BELL, HANDS THE TITLE TO PUNK AND RUNS LIKE THE WIND!!!

Well, we all knew another Montreal Screwjob was gonna happen at a Sumissions PPV in Montreal lol, and this was likely the best match to do it in. Undertaker loses, Punk keeps the title, but the Dead Man still never taps out.

Finish is what it is, not hugely fond of it, but the rest of the match is really good. Their SD rematch however is tremendous, and a top 3 match they had together along with the SD match in 2010, and WM 29!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

 

Royal Rumble 2016

 

Please WWE. PLEASE. Don’t let this show suck.

 

Dean Ambrose Vs Kevin Owens – WWE Intercontinental Championship Last Man Standing Match

This is the… third LMS match at a RR event, I think? HBK/HHH in 04 and Show/Del Rio from a few years ago. They both sucked. So the question is, can two men, who have done nothing but dull, shitty generic brawls together, finally break THE STREAK of awful RR LMS matches? Sadly I wouldn’t bet money on it. But I do genuinely HOPE they have a great match here, really I do. I just… don’t expect it.

God I hate this match already and its only just started. I fucking HATE that god awful punching spot that seems to be mandatory in brawls today. Its the one where they stand facing each other and flail their arms around and nobody sells shit and its fucking awful.

Oh look, the barricade spot. Just like I predicted. Only I didn’t expect it to happen 5 fucking minutes into the match. At least it was a unique spot rather than the tackle.

this is the 4th LMS at a RR event. The commentators just reminded me of Cena/Umaga in 07. My point still stands about LMS matches at the RR sucking. Yeah, I don’t like that match. Get over it.

Fans are chanting “this is awesome”. I fucking hate that chant.

3 announce tables are all lined up and Owens spends a minute setting up a table he got from under the ring. And then gets another out. Even a fan in the front row yells out that he’s wasting time doing this .

Well, 2 tables stacked up. Both men on the ropes. Time for the big pointless spot? Nope, not yet! Guess they’ve gotta mess about for a while hoping fans will forget those 2 tables stacked up at ringside so the big spot can be a “surprise”.

DIRTY DEEDS ON THE STEEL CHAIR~!

Ok, no. Now Ambrose is RIGHT NEXT TO THE ANNOUNCE TABLES… and wastes time going under the ring to set up a fucking table. Fuck off.

And here comes another fucking table. God fucking dammit.

best part of this match so far is Owens screaming I HATE YOU at Ambrose after getting smacked in the back with a steel chair.

Owens turning the tables on Ambrose while on the top rope, and hits some… move that drives Dean through the table in the middle of the ring. I’m sure someone will point out the name of the move to me, was probably something he used a lot in ROH or something lol.

POP-UP POWERBOMB~!

Big table spot followed right up with the powerbomb and of course this match isn’t over yet. We’ve still got those two stacked tables, remember?

Ok, here we go, Owens on the top rope to come crashing down on Ambrose who is laid across a bunch of chairs and… gets pushed off through both tables. What a surprise.

Ambrose wins.

Ok, so yeah, I didn’t really care for this match, but at the same time, it wasn’t THAT awful. Just wasn’t good. Harmless. Its there, it happened. And that’s that. I’ll never watch it again.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

A New Day Vs The Usos – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Fuck off. New Day win.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Alberto Del Rio Vs Kalisto – WWE United States Championship Match

Alrighty, hope this lives up to expectations!!!

Feels weird having actual expectations for a Del Rio match lol. If he isn’t wrestling Christian, I’m usually not caring.

Bloody hell, WWE advertising a streaming service that ISN’T the WWE Network?

This is very much just like their SD bout, in terms of structure anyway. Kalisto uses his quickness and high flying offence to try and gain some momentum, while Del Rio uses his size to keep Kalisto grounded and gives the little Mexican a good beating .

Just a shame the fans don’t really give a shit. And you can’t blame them. Del Rio is dull as shit, and Kalisto hasn’t really been given much of a chance to get over with anything beyond crazy spots in matches. Then when he had his big moment of winning the US title, he lost it the next night at the SD taping .

Nice recovery from a botched spot there.

Kalisto moves out of the way of that foot stomp in the corner, hits his finisher that I won’t even attempt to type out because it’ll make me look like a moron who can’t spell, and Kalisto looks to have the title won!!! 1…2… Del Rio grabs the bottom rope!

Del Rio is getting frustrated, and it might end up costing him the match. He exposes one of the turnbuckles, but it backfires and Kalisto is our NEW US champion!!! Well, props to WWE for putting the title back on Kalisto. I didn’t think they would. Now they just have to like, you know… do something with him.

Fun match for sure. Don’t think I quite liked it as much as their SD match, but I’m happy with it .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Renee Young with the kick-off show panel, and she tells us that HENRY AND SWAGGER won the 4 way tag match earlier in the night to gain entry into the RR .

 

Heyman backstage with Stephanie. Usual stuff. Steph hates Paul. Paul builds up Brock.

 

Oooo a new show with Edge & Christian? Looks cheesy as fuck, but dammit, I’ll give it a watch. Man, gotta wait while Feb 21st?

 

Charlotte Vs Becky Lynch – WWE Divas Championship Match

I’ll pass.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

WWE World Heavyweight Championship 30 Man Royal Rumble Match

Here. We. Go.

#1 is of course Roman Reigns. So we basically know he’s going to be here till the end before getting screwed, which will no doubt get a huge pop from the crowd . ROMAN IS A BABYFACE, HONEST!!!

WHO DREW NUMBER TWO?

Rusev! I wonder if we’ll have a time period with Roman throwing people out before the next entrant comes out. Which would suck for Rusev who SHOULD be booked somewhat strong, but hey, this is WWE. Booking logic does not apply.

The “by the numbers” video was fucking terrible this year btw. Shitty voice over and just poorly done. Used to be so much better. Hell, my parody is so much better, because I parodied the version that was good . Here it is, btw http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x23wmj … umbers_fun . My favourite video I’ve ever made!

Oh look, Rusev is eliminated already. Yep, looks like Roman will be going through a few guys first. Entrant number 3 is… AJ STYLES!?!?

If AJ gets thrown out early on here, I sense the crowd are gonna die again like last year with Bryan . Ideally he’d be one of the “iron men” in this match, lasting until near the end, but… I have zero faith in WWE booking this guy correctly, and I have even less faith in them booking this match correctly.

PELE KICK~!

STYLES CLA… Nah, Samoan Drop.

Well, AJ has lasted until the next entry at least. And number 4 is Tyler “Vince hates me because I left SD early” Breeze.

Breeze is gone. Yup, Vince hates him. LOL.

Social Jobbers! Ooops, best not say that, don’t wanna get heat!

Curtis Axel is the man entering the match. THE CHAINS ARE OFF .

Fuck me, Axel levels AJ with a knee RIGHT TO THE FACE. And it looked fucking brutal.

Axel with a tribute to his dad, taking that leg bump, before being eliminated. Well, looks like AJ might indeed remain in this for a while along with Roman. Guess WWE realised that the crowd would need SOMEONE to cheer for while Roman was in there .

Yawn, Jericho. Why won’t this guy fucking retire already? He has done NOTHING worth a damn for like 5 fucking years. Maybe more.

Hey guys, AJ Styles is in a WWE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. I’m not marking out or anything, but it IS a pretty surreal moment for sure.

*sigh* here comes Kane. Has Kane been around on TV lately? I… honestly don’t remember the last time I saw him lol. Probs the tag match with Taker at SVS against the Wyatt Family. He’s probably been on every fucking show but the fact I watch Raw in under 10 minutes means I miss… almost everything anyway lol.

AJ, meet Kane. He’s one half of Abyss .

GOLDUST~!

Here comes The Ryback. Watch out, AJ, or Ryback will injure you .

AJ almost got Roman out of the ring, but the commentators are more concerned with Ryback almost going out . BERRYING STYLES ALREADY .

Kofi fucking Kingston. Urgh. I hope as a nice surprise this year, he just gets eliminated normally and no saving himself shit.

Well, I’m having FUN here. They really haven’t made this thing about Roman like I thought they would. While technically they should have because this match IS about him, its just so nice to not hear about him having to overcome the odds every 5 seconds. I approve.

TITUS OH WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB~! Not that he’s terrible or anything, in fact he’s pretty entertaining, but he’s like, the tallest jobber going lol.

Bah, Goldust is gone .

R-Truth? Speaking of guys who still have a job but fuck knows why…

He’s bringing in a ladder. He thinks this is MITB, doesn’t he?

Kane throws him out. I approve of Truth’s involvement in this match .

Dammit Seabs. You called this, didn’t you? New Day on the outside following Kofi around and preventing him from being eliminated. But for some reason they are taking their time putting Kofi BACK in the ring. Giving him a rest?

LUKE HARPER~! Would have been better if he took out A New Day on the floor and eliminated Kofi.

Sheamus, Del Rio and Rusev show up and drag Reigns under the ropes and beat the piss out of him. So Roman will get to lay about on the floor for 20 minutes no doubt.

Stardust in his 8th RR match? EIGHT? Man, hard to believe some of these guys have been around for so long now.

Rusev puts Roman through a table. Yep, Roman gonna nap for a while. And let me guess, instead of throwing Roman back into the ring so like, someone could easily toss him over the ropes and eliminate him… they will just leave him there. Because STUFF.

Big Show NOT number 30? What? How dare they!!!

The man that gravity forget, and the man that the fans didn’t give a shit about.

Kofi got eliminated at some point btw, they just got around to showing us a replay .

Braun Strowman at number 17!!! He POWERS Kane right out of the ring like he was nothing!

Big Show and Strowman face off . Gets more of a reaction than Orton and Cena that one year .

Strowman locks in that submission to Big Show and eliminates the giant!!!

Roman has fucked off to the back for a rest rather than laying on the floor .

Kevin Owens drags himself out to enter the match. He is immediately met by AJ and the crowd go nuts.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT . They keep teasing the bloody Styles Clash but every time he tries, someone breaks it up. And then Owens eliminated him!!! AJ is done at around 28 minutes. He had a good showing, I’m fine with how they handled him here tbh. Fans are still loving him.

And thankfully, the fans haven’t shat on everything because he got eliminated.

Ambrose out next and you gotta believe him and Owens are gonna resume their battle!

SAMI FUCKING ZAYN . And he’s another guy who wants a piece of Owens!!! Zayn eliminates Owens!!! Zayn eliminates Owens!!! OLE!!!

Fans have already forgotten about AJ because SAMI FUCKING ZAYN is here .

Eric Rowan enters next, and now we have THREE of the four Wyatt Family members in this match at once! Rowan launches Neville over the ropes but doesn’t eliminate him, so Harper runs in with a clothesline and finishes the job. The Wyatt Family gonna destroy everyone .

Anyone wanna guess that LESNAR is next?

Well, I was wrong, but we do have THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN MARK HENRY .

If this was during his Hall of Pain run, Henry would fucking CRUSH these 3 hillbillies.

But as such, he gets thrown out pretty quickly .

Dammit, Sami Zayn is thrown out too . Come on Wyatts, get rid of that hack Jericho already, would you?

LESNAR!!! I was just one number off lol. Time for LESNAR to fucking CRUSH EVERYONE .

Bye bye Rowan!!! THE BEAST is reigning supreme!!!

Lesnar and Strowman going at it . Lesnar killing him .

SWAGGER~! Swagger Vs Lesnar!!! Swagger runs right into an F-5 . And that’s it for the Real American .

Fuck me, Lesnar is just… in fucking human. He suplexed Harper half way across the ring like he was a cruiserweight.

Miz . Time for someone to match Santino’s record? Not sure it’s possible to beat 1 second, but tie it? Sure!

Miz decides to join commentary instead.

SUPLEX CITY~!

Harper is eliminated by Lesnar, leaving just Strowman to represent the Wyatt Family for now.

Here comes the FORMER US champion, Alberto Del Rio. And he runs right into Lesnar. Smart move, dumbass.

And there. Goes. Strowman! Brock Lesnar is KING.

Seriously though, why the fuck is Jericho still there? Come on Brock, kill him already.

Bray comes out at #27, and he’s all alone now. And Brock is waiting for him!!!

The Wyatt Family though are still out here, and they jump Brock!!! Will a 4 on 1 assault be what’s needed to eliminate THE BEAST from this match? Brock fights back and takes out the Wyatts AGAIN!!! Nice try, Bray.

Bray Wyatt, welcome to SUPLEX CITY, BITCH!!!

Here come the Wyatt Family AGAIN, and this time they dump BROCK LESNAR over the ropes!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . Oh god if this means Bray wins…

Come on Brock. UNLEASH THE BEAST and murder everyone.

Dolph Ziggler at number 28. Miz finally runs into the match and tries to eliminate Dolph from behind. Fails, but still lands the Skull Crushing Finale . Oh god if Miz elminates Dolph .

Dammit, Jericho ruined it. Like he ruins everything by being awful.

#29 about to reveal himself and it’s… SHEAMUS. But from behind comes ROMAN REIGNS~! And the fans shit all over him .

Miz gone. Del Rio gone. So its not all bad .

Here comes #30. Who is it? Who is it?

Oh ffs, its Triple H. If he wins I’ll scream. Loud.

I suppose now I’m rooting for… ummm… I guess Bray . Things are so bad I am now rooting for a guy I didn’t want to win . Well done, WWE. Well done.

Dolph gets BERRIED.

Dolph gets eliminated.

Bray and HHH staredown . KILL HIM, BRAY. KILL HIM!!!

YES! BRAY ATTACKS THE GAME!!!

Bray gets kicked in the face by Sheamus, and he and HHH eliminate him. Oh god HHH really IS winning, isn’t he? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

WHY IS JERICHO STILL HERE??? Does he have it in his contract that he has to last 50+ minutes in every RR or something? Fuck me, finally, just as I write that, Ambrose throws him out .

Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Dean Ambrose and Triple H are our final four this year. I don’t want any of them to be champion. But one will be. Because this is WWE. And they don’t like giving fans what we want. EVER.

Sheamus is gone.

TRIPLE H ELIMINATES ROMAN REIGNS~!

Triple H and Dean Ambrose are the final 2 men, and one of these two will be the NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!

I guess I’m now rooting for Dean lol. He isn’t ideal, but at least he isn’t HHH.

Out goes Dean, and HHH is now a 14 time champion. Triple H, in 2016, is our champion.

Well, winner aside, this was one hell of a rumble match tbh. I had a TON of fun, and that’s all I asked for. Sure, the booking could have been better, but all in all I liked this and I’ll definitely not have a problem re-watching it at any time.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4.5

 

SummerSlam 2009

 

Urgh, DX trying to be funny during the opening video package.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

at the bump Ziggler takes on the floor from a hurricanrana . He bounces into the barricade, then bounces off that right into a camera man .

Well, another turnbuckle powerbomb to transition into a Ziggler control segment, but this time it very nearly does result in an injury when Ziggler nearly botches catching Rey.

HAND STAND HEACKLOCK~!

Ziggler’s biggest achievement so far according to the commentators is beating Khali 3 times in a row . I don’t think any of them were pinfall victories either .

Welp, Rey died. He got his head removed from a wicked clothesline!

Ziggler is again focusing on the head and neck of Rey… but randomly hits a gut buster, similar to their previous match, just not from the top rope. And not done as a desperation counter. Just done randomly despite the fact he’s trying to work over the head and neck of Mysterio.

Another dropkick to counter a dive from Rey, landing right in the gut. Huh, this match is playing out almost identical to their NOC match lol, just with a couple of spots done in a different order .

Things begin to really pick up as they go into a finishing stretch, which at this point Dolph is actually GOOD at doing, as he doesn’t overdo it with finishers and shit.

Dolph goes for the Super Gut Buster, but this time Rey sees it coming, counters into a hurricanrana and gets the pin!

Better than their NOC match for sure. Didn’t go as long, which seemed to stop it becoming dull. Plus the finishing stretch was better as well.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Swagger and MVP being interviewed about their match tonight. Are… are they friends? Or just no heat for this match lol?

 

Jack Swagger Vs MVP

So did this match really need to be on PPV? Did this match really need to go longer than a minute? A certain other match on this show could have been a fucking classic and it gets no time at all… but Swagger Vs MVP happens for no real reason and gets a bunch of time and it’s boring as FUCK.

MVP wins. Urgh, the turd on top of a shitty cake.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Oh look random celebs.

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Cryme Tyme – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Sit through a Cryme Tyme match? No. No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

CM Punk with… with a screenplay of The Jeff Hardy Story. Oooook. LOL.

 

Kane Vs The Great Khali

Hahahahahahahaha.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase

Plenty of people really like the tag matches from these teams in 09, so maybe I’ll be surprised and like em this time around.

Cole says HHH has a ton of good SS memories, including winning the world title/wwe title one year. Is my brain fully melted or did that not actually ever happen?

Cody gets caught in the DX corner, so he slaps the taste out of HBK’s mouth and demands HHH tag him in. Perhaps the purpose of that is because HBK hasn’t been wrestling since WM, and Cody thinks he’ll have more chance to gain the advantage over a ring rusted Shawn? Seems like a solid idea in the kayfabe world of rasslin!

Cody does a decent job against HBK… at first, but HBK teases a couple of SUPERKICKS and Cody runs away like a little bitch, if you wheeeeeeel.

Despite breaking the momentum of Legacy with those superkick scares, it’s not enough to let Shawn get back into the match, and it isn’t long before Legacy are working him over and making quick tags and in general showing that they are a pretty solid team.

Hot tag to HHH, he takes control for a moment and then HHH is FIP lol.

And as the match goes on, the problems I had with these matches back in 09 is becoming clear once again. Cody and Teddy work together great as a team, isolating one guy, working him over and making plenty of quick tags to stay fresh. It’s good solid tag wrestling 101… he problem is, they don’t do anything INTERESTING OR EXCITING with their work overs. It’s all stomps and rest holds.

Most exciting thing that happens from Teddy and Cody, is Teddy running in and blasting HBK from behind with a vicious clothesline when he tries to kip up .

Rhodes gets cocky and goes for a HBK elbow off the ropes and misses. HBK tries for one and Cody gets his knees up.

Ted keeps running into the ring and stopping any potential pins or submissions, and HHH gets pissed and runs in too. They go back and forth, we see HBK getting a Cross Rhodes, Cody getting a Pedigree, then HBK getting Dream Street! HHH and Teddy battle on the outside while both legal men are down and out inside the ring!

Both men finally make it up, with help from each other, and Cody gets BLASTED with a superkick and this one is over. DX win.

Like I said, there isn’t anything bad about this. Fundamentally it’s a solid tag match… but they just don’t make it interesting until the finishing stretch.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Christian Vs William Regal – ECW Championship Match

I hate you, WWE. I fucking HATE YOU WITH A PASSION.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match

I still hate you, WWE. I still fucking HATE YOU WITH A PASSION.

Is there any combination of main eventers who were as dull as these two together that just kept on having match after match after match against each other? Flair and Steamboat wrestled each other on and off for over a fucking decade and I don’t think they have a bad match together. These two have No Way Out 08 and that’s it.

They do some awkward brawling to start off and it looks terrible. Cole calls Cena GRITTY .

Orton looks shocked as fuck that Cena kicked out of… a knee drop .

SLEEPER HOLD~!

MASTURBATION FIST~!

POWER SCOOP~!

PUTTING THINGS IN CAPS AND ADDING ~! TO THE END IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THIS SEEM EXCITING~!

Orton sets Cena up for that DDT in the ropes, and Cole is making a huge deal about Orton TAKING THE REFEREE TO THE LIMIT by waiting for the entire 5 count before hitting it. WHY DOES THAT MATTER AT ALL?

What the fuck is Cena doing? He’s jumping up and down like Earthquake would do before his splash finisher, while holding his hands up and doing his hand pose thing, waiting for Orton to get up so he can hit the AA . And here I thought Orton spazzing about in the mat for the RKO was retarded .

Cena builds momentum, so Orton shoves the referee and runs out for his title to leave! The referee DQ’s him of course, and Orton retains the title.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Vince gets word to Lillian that the match will restart, and if Orton gets DQ’d again he will lose the title. Proof that Vince McMahon doesn’t know what the fans want. LET THIS MATCH END FFS.

Orton however does know what he want, as he grabs his title again and walks out and loses again, this time via countout! Yey! THE MATCH IS FINALLY OVER!!!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!

Vince again restarts the match and if Orton gets counted out again he will lose the title. LET IT GO, VINCE.

Orton pins Cena!!! He has his feet on the ropes and the referee doesn’t see it!

OH FFS NO. Another referee shows up to explain what happens. THIS MATCH IS RESTARTED AGAIN. MOTHERFUCKERS.

STFU in the middle of the ring and a “fan” runs in and attacks the referee lol. Was very well executed as people genuinely DID think it was a fan, but it was really Brett DiBiase, the brother of Teddy. We see him on Raw the next night I think and then… NEVER AGAIN .

Well that gave Orton the chance to rest up, and once the match gets going again… RKO~! Orton wins.

This is awful. Nothing good about it at all, and all the finishes and restarts makes me wanna kill someone. 3 more matches to watch this year. One is the Iron Man. Shoot me now.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Jeff Hardy Vs CM Punk – World Heavyweight Championship TLC Match

This match starts with a tie up.

A tie up.

In a TLC match.

Thankfully the first chance he gets, Punk beats the fuck out of Jeff with a chair and immediately tries to climb a ladder .

And well, from here on out it’s SPOTZ~!

That isn’t to say they are all bad. Some of the spots are cool looking, and at least Punk seems to be focusing his offence on Hardy’s back, ever since the first chair shot. Loved Punk catching Jeff doing Poetry in Motion (replacing Matt with a chair…), and slamming him down back first on the chair. If Punk can at least keep his shit on point, I might get some enjoyment out of this .

Jeff looking like an idiot when he misses a splash off the top rope through a table on the floor. If Punk was out enough to lay still on a table then… then SHOULDN’T YOU TRY TO CLIMB THE LADDER AND WIN INSTEAD? Punk goes for a ladder the moment he gets off the table and Jeff nearly dies. Thank fuck he knows what he’s doing in this match…

OUCH. Hardy takes a nasty looking bump off the ladder into the ropes and turnbuckle.

SUPERPLEX ONTO THE LADDER~! Well, Punk has gone stupid too, because he also landed on the ladder with that move…

Ok, so after being driven off the ropes onto a ladder BACK FIRST… Jeff’s first chance at any offence sees him go for a fucking SWANTON BOMB. Where he lands BACK FIRST on his opponent. Punk getting his knees up just further adds to the karma that Jeff so needed to be hit with lol.

Well of that punishment to the back doesn’t seem to be effecting Jeff, as he somehow manages to put Punk through a table and almost climb the ladder… HE SHOULD BE FUCKING CRIPPLED.

Fuck me. Jeff continues to be fine and absolutely mauls Punk with a monitor and steel chair. So what does he do? CLIMB A LADDER!!! Yey, right? No. The ladder is on the outside, where he hits a Swanton Bomb off the top, right onto Punk on the announce table. Because he’s fucking retarded. Impressive looking spot? Of course. But that’s about it.

They tease Jeff being carried away on a stretcher, while Punk tries to climb the ladder. Jeff tries to stop him and fails. New champ. Shit match.

THEN THE UNDERTAKER SHOWS UP AFTER THE MATCH IN AWESOME FASHION AND I TOTALLY LIKE FUCK .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2

 

Night of Champions 2009

 

Title matches and stuff.

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Wow, Edge didn’t even make it to the next PPV after winning the tag titles?

THE AGE OF JERISHOW BEGINS~!

Anyone remember the rumours at the time as to who Jericho would pick? Just curious lol. Hilarious how many times Big Show has been the MYSTERY OPPONENT/PARTNER to replace someone, and he always seems to be a big disappointment to the fans too, because they always speculate that it’ll be someone HUGE like OMG ROCK OMG AUSTIN OMG HULK HOGAN and it never is .

Did… did Lawler just try to get Show’s strength over by… by… no of course he didn’t. He couldn’t have. No WAY could Lawler have tried to make Show’s strength seem impressive by saying… by saying…

HE CAN CRUSH A GRAPE .

Nothing like a good old fashioned HEEL VS HEEL match to open a PPV and get the fans going .

This is just a standard, by the numbers tag match. Nothing bad, just… not worth talking about tbh .

Big Show hits a nice SPEAR to DiBiase though .

In the end, DiBiase taps to Big Show’s “Colossal Clutch”.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

CM Punk interview to talk about his match with Jeff later tonight. Instead he takes the mic and wanders out into the crowd to try and figure out why the fans are still behind Hardy despite all the TRUTHS that Punk has told about him over the last few weeks. He decides that it’s the people’s PARENTS, or rather, PARENT, that is the problem.

 

Tommy Dreamer Vs Christian – ECW Championship Match

Time for Christian to win back the title .

Did you know? Christian can hover!!!

First offensive move from both men is a SLAP TO THE FACE, seems like a nice callback to a segment on ECW where Christian slapped Dreamer. Crazy that I remember that shit lol.

The ECW title has changed hands 12 times in Philly. Well DUH, it was like one of the only places ECW had shows .

Nice counter by Dreamer to Christian’s see-saw kick thing in the corner. He turns it into a neckbreaker!!!

Again Dreamer is able to counter one of Christian’s signature moves, this time just by dodging a dive on the outside, sending Christian crashing to the floor.

Dreamer is really made to look like a true champ in this match lol, constantly countering Christian at every turn. No matter what Captain Charisma does, Dreamer seems to have an answer.

Oh yey, here it comes. ECW taunt before that low dropkick. STOP IT.

As the match goes on, it seems that FATTY DREAMER doesn’t quite have the stamina of Christian, allowing Christian to finally begin to mount some decent offence without Dreamer countering him at every turn. And with Dreamer tiring, Christian can finally hit his signature move-set and begin to set Dreamer up for a possible Killswitch.

KILLSWITCH ENGAGED~!

Christian is one again the ECW Champion!!! And my Champion too . Only a true GOAT can get a great match out of Tommy Dreamer!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

JERISHOW INTERVIEW~! They aren’t friends, they are BUSINESS PARTNERS. Big Show goes to shake Jericho’s hand, but Jericho ends up grabbing the mic instead and Show ends up having to improvise and slap Todd’s arm instead .

 

Jack Swagger Vs Carlito Vs Primo Vs MVP Vs The Miz Vs Kofi Kingston – WWE United States Championship Match

Fuck me, look at the sheer UNTALENTED people in this match. Swagger is worlds above EVERYONE ELSE in this thing.

Primo is the replacement for Big Show who was originally part of the match. He and Carlito must have split up now because apparently Primo wants to kill Carlito.

2nd PPV title defence for Kofi, and the second time it’s been a multi-man match. Almost like nobody trusts him in a singles match on PPV .

Oh ffs. Seriously, EVERY TIME the US title is on the line, Cole tells us about all the Hall of Famers who have won it, and gives us a fucking list. Yeah, Steve Austin and Ric Flair are two former US champs, so maybe is Primo wins here he’ll be a future HOF’er and a GOAT. Fucking morons.

GUT WRENCH POWERBOMB~! Swagger almost wins the US title right there, but stupid Carlito has to break up the count. Fuck you, Carlito. I hope you choke on that apple .

Man, Swagger is rocking this match. Taking guys out, avoiding crazy dives, and hitting a double powerbomb in the corner while the two guys getting powerbombed were doing a superplex. He’s like the Regal of the 4 way US title match from the last PPV!

Also, oh hey, Miz is in this match . He’s barely fucking done anything .

Carlito and Primo almost try to get back on the same page but… Swagger fucks it up for em . Swagger is the BOSS here tonight!

Primo hits the Backstabber on his brother and gets a Trouble in Paradise to the back of the head for his troubles, and Kofi retains. Bah.

Swagger was all over this match and carried it by himself. Impressive as fuck. Yet Kofi is the one to win.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Michelle McCool Vs Melina – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Rematch from THE BASH? Sure, why not!

SPEAR~! Melina wasting no time here.

MATRIX~! Melina now stealing Trish’s move .

ARM DRA… Well, she tried an Arm Drag .

Melina quite literally kicking the shit out of Michelle, until she ends up missing a Mark Henry type running Guillotine moves in the ropes and crashes to the floor.

Always hilariously awesome to see Melina taking a submission move involving the legs because she can bend them in ways I didn’t think were possible .

STANDING DDT ON THE BARRICADE~! Well damn, that was awesome! And not something you’d normally expect from a women’s match! Shame Melina basically no sells it right after .

Who needs Sasha Banks Vs Bayley or whoever else when we’ve got SCREAMING MELINA and MICHELLE MCUNDERTAKER!!!

Lots of hard hitting KICKS in this one too .

Plus some great unique offence from both women! This is one hell of a match, and surpassing their good BASH match too!

Holy fuck at that Belly to Belly from McCool. Looked better than any of Shamrock’s belly to belly’s!

Quick counter cradle allows McCool to get the win here, and she just barely makes it out with her title!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Randy Orton Vs Triple H Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

Oh boy. Any combination of these three wrestlers is rarely good. But I seem to recal somewhat enjoying their WM 24 match, so I’m hoping this will at least be fun.

Orton starts off by sliding out of the ring, but HHH and Cena work together to chase him back in. They aren’t gonna spend time going after each other while Orton stands and watches. They’ll work together-ish to maul Orton and THEN turn their attention on each other. No bullshitty “yey babyfaces are all friends” stuff, just two guys with equal hate for Orton and are willing to leave each other alone for the time being.

Cena ends up being launched off the apron and collides with HHH, allowing Orton to finally take a breather and gain some sort of control in this triple threat match. Yey, we get a bit of Orton Vs Cena one on one for a while…

Fuck me I just remembered that Orton and Cena still have more matches to come on PPV this year . Oh god one of them is an hour long iron man match isn’t it? Only a handful of shows left and I’ll have finished a full DECADE of WWE PPV’s… and it’s gonna take everything I have to make it through to the end .

Huh, HHH and Orton are in the ring together now. Where the fuck did Cena go? And where did HHH come from? HOW DID I MISS THAT?

Cena does that top rope leg drop to BOTH men… but manages to COMPLETELY MISS BOTH MEN . The fans immediately boo .

Urgh, HHH and Cena end up in the ring alone and try for a big staredown, with Cena looking around at the crowd just BEGGING them to try and see this as a big deal, but nobody does . Almost like the Cena/Orton moment in one of the Royal Rumble matches .

PUDIGREE~!

Orton pulls HHH off Cena to prevent him from potentially winning the title. LOL, like ONE finisher is gonna end the match .

Orton gets thrown off the announce table into the crowd and nearly kills a couple of people .

Super smart Cena locks in the STFU on HHH. On the announce table. In a match where you can only win in the ring. Almost as bad as him trying to grow to apply the hold to Big Show…

Oh man how awesome an angle would that have been? Cena/Show building up to their submission match with Cena having a bunch of vignettes showing him trying to grow, by stretching, standing in a flowerpot and getting watered etc . RATINGS GOLD~!

Randy’s balls get squished on the ropes, allowing Cena to apply the STFU INSIDE THE RING this time. HHH holds on long enough to pull a retarded face and attempt a PUNT to break things up, but Cena moves. The hold was still broken though!

Yey Orton is now stomping both Cena and HHH nonstop for about a minute. Exciting.

SHARPSHOOTER AND CROSSFACE APPLIED TO ORTON AT THE SAME TIME~!

ORTON TAPS~!

THE REFEREE IS CONFUSED AS FUCK~!

LEGACY SHOW UP TO ATTACK CENA AND HHH~!

THE REFEREE IS CONFUSED AS FUCK~!

Cena is about to AA Cody, but Orton hits the RKO and Cody falls on top of Cena! Orton retains his title.

So overall this match was… not bad/awful or anything, but nothing to make me call it particularly good. It’s watchable and nothing more.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Mickie James Vs Maryse – WWE Divas Championship Match

I’m a Mickie James fan, but I don’t think I care enough about seeing a Maryse match…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Well, I always like Rey, and I was getting behind Ziggler at the time, so hopefully I can still enjoy a matchup between the two .

I wonder what Cole and Lawler are talking about in the background… Lawler just pointed to his heart, then over at JR and they both started laughing.

TURNBUCKLE POWERBOMB~! And no old men were injured!!!

Does Ziggler do that hand stand sleeper hold any more? I try and avoid his current matches because he seems to have completely forgotten how to have a wrestling match… but anyways, I always kinda liked that move. One of the few things he actually did to add to his “show off” character .

So fun when Rey does the spot where he gets thrown out of the ring and he slides on his stomach and flies into something on the outside, here being the announce table .

Ziggler has been focusing on the neck of Rey pretty much the entire match, so it’s nice to see that while he isn’t doing anything special, he is at least sticking to a nice simple story and executing it well. If this were 2015 he’d have hit about 8 finishers by now and kicked out of a few of Rey’s too…

The crowd have been DEAD for most of this match btw. In fact they’ve been pretty dead for most of the night, only getting excited for big spots and shit.

A well timed DROPKICK to counter Rey coming off the ropes adds a potential stomach injury to Mysterio aside from the neck, and Dolph takes advantage of that with a Malenko-like SUPER GUT BUSTER!!!

And then about 20 seconds after Rey kicks out of that… he’s hit the 619 and a splash for the win .

Finish just came out of nowhere, and was kinda disappointing. Match isn’t special, but it’s a solid showing from both men, and reminded me that Ziggler wasn’t always an utterly useless spot reliant fuck.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

CM Punk Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Let’s hope this one is better than their THE BASH match, which was dull as fuck outside of like 2 spots.

Punk trying to chain wrestler is hilarious to watch because he ain’t exactly smooth at it .

Nice roll reversal of sorts here with PUNK diving out of the ring and crashing and burning, rather than Jeff doing it.

Aaaaand then Jeff crashes and burns too .

Welp, this is dull too. Punk works over Jeff after the crash and burn… Hardy makes a comeback… crowd don’t care and neither do I.

Finally, something fun happens when Jeff misses a Swanton, and Punk capitalises with a double arm backbreaker right into a Dragon Sleeper . Though honestly Jeff should have tapped out there imo.

Punk lets Jeff get up and begins to hit numerous strikes, only to get a Twist of Fate out of nowhere!!!

SWANTON~!

COUNTERED WITH KNEES~!

KICKOUT~!

GTS~!

HARDY KICKS OUT~!

Punk cannot believe that Jeff is still going… so he decides “fuck it”, grabs his belt and tries to leave!

Hardy drags Punk’s hobo arse back into the ring, hits the Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb, and we have a NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!

Wow, I’m actually shocked! I thought Punk retained in this match lol!!!

First half of this match is dull as shit, but once they start hitting the big moves and whatnot it actually picks up and gets interesting, and you are on the edge of your seat wondering when the finish will actually come. Not knowing Hardy won was also a good surprise for me with the finish too lol.

So like… pretty much this entire show, the match wasn’t awful, but wasn’t anything to really write home about.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8

 

The Bash 2009

 

THE BASH~!

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger Vs Finlay Vs Tommy Dreamer Vs Mark Henry – ECW Championship Scramble Match

Woo, a scramble match! ECW one in 08 was super fun, and I remember this being fun too . Helps that we start with Christian Vs Swagger .

Typical greatness from these two while we await the arrival of another participant in the match. Man, I could watch Christian Vs Swagger every day for a year straight. If this were the 80’s they WOULD have wrestled every day for a year lol.

FINLAY IS THE THIRD MAN~! Man, how GOAT would the NWO have really been if FINLAY was the third man in 1996?

Swagger is the first to get a pin and be the current ECW Champ when he goes after Finlay’s eyes, which were injured a few weeks ago, and rolls him up! So now Swagger needs to prevent any other pins or submissions from happening and he’ll be the champion when this match is over. But it’s gonna be hard to do that are more superstars enter the match!

FATTY DREAMER~! The ECW Champion has made his way into the match, but he MUST get a pin or submission now to make sure he keeps the title because Swagger is the current holder of the title!

Urgh, than damn ECW taunt. Fuck off. Urgh, then he botches being thrown into the fucking corner, and ends up collapsing on the floor and landing on Christian.

Swagger makes the mistake of trying to attack Finlay while the doctor is checking him over, but ends up getting sent face first into the ring post, then gets hit with the… the ummm… Finlay’s finisher and now FINLAY is the current ECW champion!!!

MARK MOTHERFUCKING HENRY makes his way into the ring and the first move he hits takes out SWAGGER, CHRISTIAN AND DREAMER. Can anyone stop the World’s Strongest Man? Dreamer can’t, as he ends up feeling the power of a World’s Strongest Slam, and Henry has already made his MARK on this match by becoming the new champion already!!!

Everyone decides to gang up on Henry, because one on one, he’ll fucking MURDER THEM.

DIVE~!

DIVE~!

DIVE~!

Oh shit Henry is climbing the ropes for a dive of his own!!! Bah, Swagger stops him. Just ONCE I wanna see a big fatty dive over the top rope .

SWAGGER PINS HENRY~! With that Vader Bomb in the corner than never beats anyone. THE FUCK?

KILLSWITCH~! Christian was seconds away from pinning Swagger, but Dreamer pulls him off, hits a DDT and gets the 3!!! A minute left on the clock and Dreamer is looking set to retain his title!!!

Everyone is SCRAMBLING for a pin (ha, get it? Scrambling? In a SCRAMBLE match? HAHAHAHAHAHA I think I’ve made this joke before…).

Time is up, and FATTY DREAMER retains his ECW Championship and he can’t believe it .

Yet another fun ECW title match on PPV in 2009!!!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge is complaining to Teddy Long about not being on the show tonight. Woo no Edge match!

 

Chris Jericho Vs Rey Mysterio – WWE Intercontinental Championship Vs Mask Match

Title Vs Mask!

This match is considered the absolute best of their 09 series, and gets rated very high. Last time I saw it I didn’t care for it as much as most people as it felt far too choreographed, which took me out of it a bit.

Tonight is the BIGGEST NIGHT in Mysterio’s career, apparently. So, WM 22 wasn’t?

Seems to be a bigger problem here than things looking too choreographed tbh. They just seem to be going back and forth trading moves, with nothing to tie them all together. It’s just HIGH SPOT HIGH SPOT HIGH SPOT COUNTER COUNTER HIGH SPOT.

I think I’ve just witnessed the worst spot in a wrestling match. Jericho tries to do something to Rey on the top rope, but Rey holds on and Jericho… Jericho throws himself back off the rope to the mat and… it looks so terrible and fake.

Jericho rips off Mysterio’s mask, but he has another on underneath and quickly hits a 619 and splash to regain the IC title and keep his mask.

Wow, I really didn’t like this much at all. Considered by many to be the best in their series, but me? Worst, for sure.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

The Great Khali Vs Dolph Ziggler

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Carlito & Primo Vs Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes Vs Edge & Chris Jericho – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Teddy Long shows up and makes it a triple threat tag team match by adding in Edge & Jericho, in an attempt to impress Mr McMahon while on probation. This was also the birth of Edge & Jericho trying to become the new 2 Man Power Trip… until Edge injures himself .

THE COLON’S DUMPING JERICHO~!

Some solid tag work by Cody and Teddy, as they work over Primo and keep making quick tags and whatnot. But it’s nothing special or amazing or anything. Best part was when Cody accidentally went over to Jericho and Edge’s corner, allowing Edge to tag into the match finally… then he goes for a Spear, misses and gets tagged out immediately by Ted DiBiase .

A hot tag to Carlito, then Edge tags himself in, hits a Spear and wins the match and the titles for himself and Jericho.

Meh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Oh noes Legacy are falling apart!!!

 

Melina Vs Michelle McCool – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Mrs Undertaker Vs Mrs Just About Everyone!

Damn, Melina is really going after McCool here. She wants REVENGE for… some sort of jaw injury or something? I dunno, no video package means I’m lost with most feuds lol.

FUCK YO LEG. That’s Michelle’s plan here it seems.

Well these two have a pretty damn good match, certainly one of the best on this show so far. McCool becomes the NEW champion when she hits the Styles Clash!

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

CM Punk Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Punk cashed in MITB on Jeff at ER, and now Jeff is getting his rematch… all the while bitching that Punk “stole” the title from him by doing exactly what the MITB was made for. The fans aren’t as behind Punk any more either. Oh sure, they loved it when he “stole” the title from Edge in 08 by cashing in MITB, but doing it to Jeff? OMG WORST PERSON EVER.

Oh god Grishm is once again referring to Jeff as a gambler/poker player .

First 2 minutes or so of this match are pretty much HEADLOCKS~! from both men. And not done in an exciting way, either.

Ahhhh fun times . Hardy CRASHES AND BURNS trying to dive off the steel steps and smashes into the barricade. See kids, this is why you should learn to wrestle and not rely on jumpy jumpy flip flip .

Punk works the back a little, and Hardy comes back with nothing but clotheslines it seems. Sometimes normal ones, sometimes ones that cause him to fall to the mat, and sometimes diving ones off the apron. Plenty of clotheslines no matter what. Exciting.

TWIST OF FATE OUTTA NOWHERE~!

SWANTON CRASH AND BURN~!

KICK TO THE HEAD~!

GTS COUNTERED INTO A TWIST OF FATE~!

SWANTON BOMB~!

1…2…3!!! NEW WORLD CHAMPION! NEW WORLD CHAMPION!

NO WAIT!!! PUNK’S LEG WAS UNDER THE ROPE! PUNK’S LEG WAS UNDER THE ROPE! THE MATCH IS CONTINUING!

So the match is staring again, Punk attempts a GTS again, gets elbowed in the FACE and seems to be hurting. The referee checks on him, then Punk ends up kicking the referee in the back “by mistake” because he couldn’t see properly .

Hardy continues to attack Punk after the match because he’s a fucking bitch .

Match was blargh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs The Miz

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship 3 Stages of Hell Match

Oh god.

Also… Orton is champion again. I… have no recollection of how he won it back .

Looked it up. So Batista was injured and had to vacate the title. Again. Orton wins it in a 4 way, HHH wins a 10 man battle royal to become #1 contender… and that brings us to this match. A hell match. I mean, 3 stages of hell. Either way it’s gonna be torture for me.

Right then. First fall is a straight up wrestling match. Second fall is a no holds barred match. Third fall, if needed (and it will be, because it always fucking is), is a stretcher match.

Oh my god this match has no hope. It starts off awful. I was maybe hoping it might possibly be potentially decent, as they HAVE had some non-bad matches in the past, but nope. Not tonight. They are starting off this thing as shitty as possible and I don’t see it getting any better.

HHH decks Orton with a chair and loses the first fall via DQ, but gets to maul Orton with the steel chair going into the no holds barred match.

PEDIGREE ON THE FLOOR~! Oh ok, this is falls count anywhere, not no holds barred. Because HHH just pinned Orton on the floor to win the second fall .

STRETCHER MATCH TIME~!

20 minutes left .

“MOM I LOVE YOU” can be heard clear as day from someone in the crowd .

Shitty “in the crowd” brawling, from two guys who are kinda bad at brawling. Just what this match needed.

Fuck me, this is beyond DULL. I’d have more fun watching moss growing in real time.

Pedigree on the steel. Yawn.

Just as HHH is about to win, Cody shows up for the save. Magical. Then Teddy shows up to make another save when Cody is taken out. When they teased Legacy breaking up, I totally didn’t expect this to happen… [/sarcasm]

In the end, Orton retains. I however lose my sanity.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 1.5

 

Extreme Rules 2009

 

Yey, looks like a bunch of rematches on this show… BUT WITH GIMMICKS~!

 

Kofi Kingston Vs William Regal Vs Matt Hardy Vs MVP – United States Championship Match

So Kofi is the US champ… magical. And he won it from MVP. Oh god… I can’t even begin to imagine how awful that was.

“Here’s a man who rarely smiles in William Regal” right as Regal is smiling on his way to the ring. Keep up the good work, Cole!

Only in wrestling can a guy with a cast on his arm still compete in an athletic contest lol.

I wish this was just a Matt Vs Regal match .

Regal throwing Matt to the babyfaces . Oh yeah, MVP is a face during this time. He’s terrible at it.

Regal mauling Kofi .

Poor Matt. He’s having no luck. Already got a broken hand/arm, gets thrown to MVP and Kofi at the start by Regal, then the first time he tries to get back into the ring, he’s knocked off the apron during an Irish Whip spot .

OH GOD NO. PLEASE STOP. STOP NOW. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. STOP THE OFFENCE, KOFI!!!

Regal catches Kofi trying a Trouble in Paradise, and just launches him into Matt with a modified suplex . Man, Regal is the MAN, man.

Oh of course, Regal rules this match and is the one to take the pin, and off a terrible Trouble in Paradise too. Kofi can’t even hit his own fucking finisher right. Prick.

Regal was the only good thing in this entire match. And he legit rocked.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Josh Matthews goes out to Big Show’s bus to interview him. This is from earlier in the day. I like how Big Show is just hanging out in his bus during the day in his wrestling gear .

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Chris Jericho – No Holds Barred Intercontinental Championship Match

Jericho is at the merch stand cutting a promo about Mysterio’s masks being sold and shit. He hates Rey’s mask. He wants Rey’s mask. I think this feud is about Rey’s mask.

Gotta love how this whole match is about Jericho wanting to show the world what Rey is like under the mask. Because we never saw him without the mask in WCW .

Mysterio bringing the HATE~! right off the bat . Always cool to see Rey change shit up. Ha, he just smashed the announce table cover over Jericho’s head . He ain’t wasting no time to make use of the no DQ rules of this match!!!

fucking SWEET spot with Mysterio avoiding being sent into the steel steps by… flipping over them! And then dropkicking them right back into Jericho! Rey is BEATING UP CHRIS JERICHO!!!

Despite Jericho seemingly taking control of the match, Mysterio just keeps fighting back and constantly takes the FIGHT to Jericho, mixing up some aggression with his high flying offence. Also, gotta love the collision between the two as Jericho tries to counter a 619 attempt by shoulder blocking Rey, but Rey is running full speed and Jericho gets smashed to the floor just as much as Rey.

OMG JERICHO ALMOST GOT THE MASK OFF~!

But trying to remove the mask just seems… stupid as it forces Rey to start flailing his legs around to kick Jericho in the face, then he gets time to recover and even avoid Jericho running at him, which sends Jericho crashing into the ring post and from there it’s a Rey showcase with dives and high flying moves. Maybe Jericho should concentrate on trying to WIN first .

Lol, Jericho just hit Kevin Owen’s powerbomb .

CODE BREAKER TO COUNTER THE SPLASH FROM REY~!

REY KICKS OUT~!

Huh, the Code Breaker not working. HOW SHOCKING…

WALLS OF JERICHO~!

But there is a chair in the ring, and after battling with it for a while to fold it back up, Rey is able to smack Jericho in the head with it!!!

619~!

Jericho counters and pulls the mask off! Roll up for the 3 count!!! Jericho wins and did it by unmasking Mysterio!!! He’s covering up his face, but Jericho still did what he said he’d do!!!

Good match here, but I think I preferred their JD match to it.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Batista and Josh Matthews with matching hair cuts! They show a video of Orton and Flair in a FIGHT TO THE FINISH on Raw. Flair is fucking destroying Orton until Legacy get involved. WHY IS FLAIR NOT THE #1 CONTENDER?!?!? Sure, he’s retired, but… COME ONE . Also, Batista can’t rip the door off… so instead of CLIMBING IN AND SAVING FLAIR, he just screams on the outside .

 

CM Punk Vs Umaga – Samoan Strap Match

Enjoyed their JD match, so I’m hoping for something good here, even with the stipulation.

Having guys spend the match trying to touch each turnbuckle isn’t the best match idea, but thankfully the work in between those spots by these two is really good. Plenty of good uses of the strap, especially to prevent each other from hitting all 4 corners. These two had some really good chemistry.

In the end, a GTS allows Punk to hit all 4 corners and get the win. I enjoyed this a ton, and was spending more time watching it than writing about it lol.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

CHRISTIAN . ECW Champion . He hopes he and Dreamer can still be friends tonight after he retires him.

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger Vs Tommy Dreamer – ECW Rules ECW Championship Match

If Dreamer does not win the title here tonight, he’s DONE. Oh how I wish he didn’t win . Yeah, I know he wins. I remember this match rather well. I enjoyed it a bunch when I did my ECW 09 project. Just another match that makes me love ECW and Christian’s ECW run in 2009 .

Swagger uses his size, power and WRESTLING skills to take out both his opponents early on… so both Christian and Dreamer grab weapons and begin to batter the former ECW champion silly!!!

Still at Swagger falling out of the ring and nearly landing in a trash can. Oh if only he’d actually landed in it. I’d HAVE to give the match the full 5 stars .

Dreamer with an awesome dive off the apron using the trash can to CRUSH both Christian and Swagger! Amma call that move the Dreamroller!

Still fucking hate that ECW taunt thing Dreamer does. Looks so fucking forced. at Christian tripping him up right after it, then doing it himself and doing to Swagger what Dreamer was gonna do .

Man, every time I watch one of these awesome ECW 09 matches with Swagger, I just feel worse about how the guy is used these days. And by used, I mean I don’t remember the last time I even saw him on TV. He was so fucking talented, but for whatever reason he keeps getting pushed backwards and never really given a chance to be awesome again.

Swagger sets up 3 trash cans in a row in the middle of the ring, and he’s gonna superplex Dreamer into them!!! No wait, Christian shows up for a powerbomb too!!! Dreamer barely hits any of the trash cans, but the spot still looked great . About 2 people in the crowd try to start an “Oh My God” chant . It lasts about 5 seconds .

A cool finishing sequence, and then we see Dreamer hitting a DDT and becoming the NEW ECW Champion. Yey. He’s not retired. Yey.

So aside from Dreamer winning, this is a super fun match . Even Dreamer looked great in it, really putting on a show. Just wish he’d stop fucking crying. Wuss.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Chabo is backstage trying to fire up Vickie by making pig noises. She punches him in the nose .

 

Vickie Guerrero Vs Santina – Hog Pen Match

This PPV was going so well…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Goldust telling Vickie she smells like SHIT . He covers it up, eventually, by saying Shiitake Mushrooms. Edge is waiting for Vickie and announces they are getting divorced. Wow, they were still together at this point?

 

Randy Orton Vs Batista – Steel Cage WWE Championship Match

Urgh. Their JD match was boring as fuck. Steel cage matches on PPV are typically bad. I have zero expectations for this.

The build up video for this is basically more Flair/Orton . Makes me wanna see Orton and Flair in a cage again. They did a good job a few years earlier. Would certainly be better than what Batista and Orton are gonna do .

Hello alcohol, my old friend . Nice of you to stop by and help me with this match!

Huh, this beer is 1.7 units in the UK, but only 1.3 in the ROI? I guess that explains a few things .

Batista wins the match with a Batista Bomb in a match that thankfully seems to have been really short lol. Almost nothing happened .

Pretty shitty way for Orton’s reign to end though.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs The Big Show – Submission Match

So last month, Cena was unable to lock in the STFU cos he’s too short, and now he’s in a submission match with the same guy. Odds of him winning with the STFU? Pretty darn good I think!

30 seconds in and Cena again goes for the STFU . YOU AIN’T BIG ENOUGH, JOHN!

BIG SHOW’S RING IS 22.5 INCHES~!

Wow, Big Show has a huge ring and Cena isn’t big enough .

By 2009 we’ve seen Cena overcome so many BIG MEN, INCLUDING THE BIG SHOW ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS, and the damn commentators and still trying to make us believe for a second than Cena cannot do it this time. Pisses me the fuck off.

Fuck me this is dull.

Oh look Cena couldn’t slam Big Show…

HOW LONG DOES THIS LAST FOR?

20 MINUTES?

TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES?

I NEED MORE ALCOHOL.

OH MY GOD CENA HIT THE AA ON BIG SHOW I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT I SWEAR TO GOD I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE IT’S THE MOST IMPRESSIVE THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE HOW DID CENA DO IT THAT WAS INCREDIBLE I’M MARKING OUT BRO~!

Since Cena can’t lock in the STFU on Big Show, he uses the ropes to hook Show’s leg and then apply the crossface and Show finally taps out and thank FUCK this is over.

So. Boring.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match

Oh yey now I gotta sit through a 20 minute spotfest with two guys I don’t like. The first half of this show was sooo fucking good… and then it DIED.

At least this PPV ends on a happy note . I just gotta sit through 20 minutes of this first .

Spot. Spot spot. Spot. Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot. Spot Spot Spot. Spot.

SPOT~!

STOP SETTING THE LADDER UP IN THE CORNER. NOBODY THINKS YOU ARE GOING TO CLIMB AND GRAB THE BELT FROM THERE. YOU ARE BLATANTLY SETTING UP ANOTHER FUCKING SPOT. STOP IT.

WHY ARE YOU BOTH CLIMBING A LADDER ON THE FUCKING FLOOR?!?! OH, SETTING UP ANOTHER SPOT. OF COURSE. BECAUSE FUCK YOU.

WHY ARE THERE MULTIPLE REFEREE’S OUT HERE? WHY IS ONE IN THE RING TAKING A BUMP? THIS IS A FUCKING LADDER MATCH .

Jeff wins.

Is this the worst WWE ladder match ever?

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Well thankfully CM PUNK comes out to cash in Money in the Bank and let the fans go home happy!!! CM PUNK IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~! And so begins his awesome slow heel turn .

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 7