Month: February 2016

 

TLC 2009

 

I’ve finally made it. The last PPV of 2009. A full DECADE OF RAMBLES is about to be completed!!!

 

Christian Vs Shelton Benjamin – ECW Championship Ladder Match

*sigh* back in 09 I was so excited for this match. I mean, on paper, this SHOULD be a classic. Shelton had all those great performances in MITB matches, and Christian is one of the best ladder match guys ever. Together, especially in 2009 when Christian was likely the Best in the World? No brainer; MOTN. At least… potentially.

Unfortunately I was so fucking disappointed with this one. Every time I’ve seen it, I’ve liked it less. Will it do any better today? Probably not, but you never know.

THE ECW CHAMPIONSHIP HAS NEVER CHANGED HANDS IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS~! Well, Matt, that’s probably because ECW back in the day didn’t get anywhere NEAR Texas .

MICHAEL COLE CORRECTS MATT STRIKER WITH WRESTLING KNOWLEDGE .

This match actually starts off quite well… but once ladders come into play… it goes downhill. Botches, crappy spots and messy match structure!!!

Within about 2 minutes of a ladder showing up in the match, Christian is busted open and the match has to stop while the doctor’s see to him. Meanwhile Shelton has to pretend that the match HASN’T stopped and just looks like a pleb standing around not climbing a ladder and winning . The commentators try and blame it on the state of Texas having rules.

Shelton decides to climb the ladder after all… ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING, just as Christian has finished up being helped by the doctor . Now, I understand WWE’s PG practices and their much more strict health policies, but holy fuck does having to stop a match for a bit of blood really screw the guys over.

After a bunch of blargh spots and botches, Christian retains the title by splashing Shelton through a ladder. That sounds dirty.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Morrison Vs Drew McIntyre – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Drew doesn’t have his epic theme song atm . His old one was soooo fucking generic and shitty.

McIntyre is nice and VICIOUS here, living up to the hype the commentators throw at us in that sense. Elbows, big kicks, and every time he applies a submission (NOT A REST HOLD!!!), he’s always working the hold and trying to rip at Morrison’s face while bending back the arm etc .

An epic DDT from Morrison gets him back into the match, and man oh man Drew is awesome at taking a DDT .

Love how McIntyre is even on the offence while on the ground, kicking Morrison right in the knee. And then damn, the reverse Alabama Slam was BRUTAL!!!

Sweet Flying Chuck Kick using the apron on the outside showed us how good Morrison is at using his environment to his advantage.

STARSHIP PAIN~! Completely misses . But they act like it hit .

FOOT UNDER THE ROPES~!

MORRISON’S BELT GETS BROKEN~!

THUMB TO THE EYE~!

FUTURE SHOCK DDT~!

NEW IC CHAMPION~!

This was good stuff . Drew looked great, and Morrison definitely held his own too.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Mickie James Vs Michelle McCool – WWE Women’s Championship

This was during the whole PIGGY JAMES stuff. Seriously, WWE? SERIOUSLY? BE A STAR, YOU CUNTS.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

John Cena Vs Sheamus – WWE Championship Tables Match

I love how they try and make the TABLES MATCH out to be dangerous as fuck in the build up .

Brawling, brawling, more brawling, teased tables spots, back to brawling.

Some alright stuff here when they brawl… but then they do something fucking awful and it kinda ruins anything good they just did lol.

They even did a “OMG THE POWER” spot with Cena lifting Sheamus up for an AA .

at some of the commentary. IF A TABLE WAS THERE THIS MATCH WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER. Well DUH. And in every other match, if that had been a 3 count the match would have been over too. You fucking morons.

Oh look, now they are battling on the top rope with a table set up in the ring. I wonder what will happen here…

Sheamus wins the WWE Championship when Cena falls through a table. This is only just a step above TNA having someone win a title by opening a box…

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Chairs Match

Chairs Match .

This match coined the EPIC line from Matt Striker:

“Undertaker has been in HIAC, Elimination Chamber and Inferno Matches, perhaps none more dangerous than a chairs match”

.

Ok, so CHAIRS ARE LEGAL in this match. Other weapons can cause a DQ, but CHAIRS ARE LEGAL. This is important. CHAIRS ARE LEGAL IN A CHAIRS MATCH.

Undertaker tries to keep Batista away from a chair early on, and relies on his big rights and lefts instead for now.

Batista is the first to use a chair to his advantage after Undertaker crashes into the barricade with a missed big boot. BATISTA IS CHOKING THE UNDERTAKER WITH A CHAIR. And it’s LEGAL, because CHAIRS ARE LEGAL IN THIS CHAIRS MATCH.

SUPERPLEX~!

FACE PUNCHING~!

SPINEBUSTER~!

This is soooo far apart from their 07 series it’s unreal. Maybe it’s the chairs stipulation. Maybe it’s Undertaker being 2 years older. Maybe it’s Batista being 2 years older. Maybe it’s all of those things. I don’t know, I just know that it isn’t the same .

The crowd don’t give a shit either. They’ve been terrible all night so far though, but come on, UNDERTAKER AND BATISTA AND HITTING EACH OTHER. React, you lazy shites.

SPINEBUSTER ON THE CHAIR~! Because, as we know, CHAIRS ARE LEGAL.

HELLS GATE~!

ROPE BREAK~!

ANNOYING STRIKER COMMENTARY~!

MORE STUFF WITH CHAIRS~! BECAUSE CHAIRS ARE LEGAL. IN A CHAIRS MATCH.

LOW BLOW BEHIND THE REFEREE’S BACK~!

CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD~!

BATISTA IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~!

Well… I uhhhh… so this is embarrassing. The whole “CHAIRS ARE LEGAL” thing was done to set up a final joke about how Batista used a chair to low blow Undertaker and get the win only for it to be reversed because low blows weren’t allowed with the chair… but… Batista didn’t use a chair for the low blow. So… my memory has failed me far more than I ever thought it could.

Anyway, Teddy restarts the match, Tombstone, Undertaker wins.

It’s not great, but also not THAT horrible. Just disappointing given their history.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Randy Orton Vs Kofi Kingston

The days of Kofi getting a serious push. The MSG moment. The Survivor Series win. And now a singles PPV match with Orton. WWE tried with the guy, they really did. Then Orton got pissed off or something at how bad the guy sucks and that was it for Kofi in a possible main event .

I liked this match back in 09. And now I have one person hoping I don’t skip this match (because Kofi) as he still thinks its good, and one person hoping I don’t skip this match because he thinks it’s awful and wants me to torture myself or something. Cunt.

Kofi’s “fighting stance” is goofy as shit.

Kofi’s offence is goofy as shit.

Orton whips Kofi, expecting him to crash into the steel steps, but Kofi jumps off them… then up onto the ropes, gets his balance and then jumps off onto Orton… who has had about a year to prepare for that move and counter with a dropkick .

Seems that Orton is trying to smash his foot through Kofi’s ribs. I approve of this.

Ouch, an SOS from Kofi looks to really hurt Orton. He lands HARD on his back and neck.

BREATHING OUT YOUR MOUTH IS A SIGN OF INTERNAL INJURY~!

Kofi’s comeback . Selling the ribs (while good), just leaves Kofi moving super slow, making his offence look even worse than usual .

TROUBLE IN PARADISE~!

ROPE BREAK~!

HANG MAN DDT~!

PUNT~!

KOFI BLOCKED IT WITH HIS ARM~! HIS ARM IS FUCKED~!

ARM BREAKER~!

RKO~!

Orton wins lol.

Well, this one was… not as good as I remembered. Orton is really good in it, Kofi… he sells his ribs well, and then his arm after the Punt, but his offence is just so fucking terrible it’s hard to take anything he does seriously. He brings the match down whenever he does a move .

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Shawn Michaels & Triple H – Unified Tag Team Championship TLC Match

This is it. The last match on the last PPV. I finish this and I’ve completed a 2 year project. LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE~!

Shit, no pre-match DX promo. So this gets over 20 minutes .

Well, HHH manages to take out Big Show for a moment, and instead of getting a ladder or helping HBK against Jericho… he spends a couple of minutes looking for a table and then setting it up NOWHERE NEAR ANYONE ELSE. Meanwhile there is already a table set up on the ramp near the ring. I’m gonna hate this match, aren’t I?

Big Show and HHH literally DISAPPEAR for a time. The camera focuses on HBK and Jericho, and I literally cannot see where the other 2 went .

OK, MATT, FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP. PLEASE. SHUT UP. FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP YOU FUCKING FUCK. If you come up with another shitty, awful, terrible nickname for a wrestler I will come to your house and stab you in the nutsack.

Oh hey HHH and Big Show show up again. They are on top of the ramp way. Jericho and Shawn join them. Maybe they got lonely?

And now HBK has disappeared to get a chair, and begins to chair fight with Jericho .

THEN HE DROPS THE CHAIR SO HE CAN TURN AROUND AND FOCUS ON THE BIG SHOW. Who immediately drops him because he’s the fucking BIG SHOW. Maybe a chair would have been helpful against the giant?

Finally, something smart is happening. With HHH and HBK out on top of the ramp, JeriShow decide to go back to the ring and grab a ladder and like, TRY TO WIN.

The loudest reaction all night to something happening in the ring is… DX suplexing a ladder onto Jericho. Some people don’t deserve to go to a PPV.

Big Show punching the absolute shit out of HHH in the corner .

How much does Big Show weigh? He’s announced as 440lbs. The commentators claim he’s 485lbs. And then any time Big Show hits a splash or drops on someone… he’s 500lbs. MAKE UP YOUR FECKING MINDS. Or like, have a weigh-in before every Big Show match .

SWEET CHIN CODEBREAKER~!

SPINEBUSTER~!

SPEAR~!

Big Show is left alone in the ring with a ladder . Now, all night Show’s weight has been brought up and how the ladder has a maximum limit of 400lbs. Yet he seems to do ok… so… is he UNDER 400lbs now? I AM CONFUSED!!!

DX have to combine their strength to push the giant off the ladder .

PEDIGREE~!

HHH… hurt himself doing a Pedigree…

HBK IS ALMOST AT THE TOP OF THE LADDER~!

Aaaaand he gets pushed off onto Big Show .

Big Show beats up the ladder . I guess being pushed off it has left him with some bad memories .

Well that was pointless because Jericho just brings in another ladder straight away .

DX TRAPPED IN A LADDER~!

Big Show broke that ladder too .

That table HHH set up at the start of the match? Finally comes into play with Big Show chokeslamming HBK INTO HHH AND THROUGH THE TABLE!!!

FFS. Instead of getting ANOTHER LADDER OUT… Jericho climbs on Big Show’s shoulders to try and reach the belts instead, which goes terribly wrong when DX come back in the ring and JeriShow are helpless .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

Jericho falls off Show, over the ropes, then cracks into a table that doesn’t break and fuck me it looked PAINFUL.

And now DX decide to be retards and get one half of a ladder that Big Show broke instead of a new ladder. But Shawn climbs it as HHH holds it and they end up winning.

This is… or was… too long. Shave off 10 minutes and cut out some of the utter retarded shit and this could be good. But it did go 10 minutes too long and did feature a ton of stupid shit.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 3

 

Survivor Series 2009

 

The 2nd to last PPV… and from what I remember, it’s actually a pretty decent event. I mean, I own it on DVD after all! Can’t say that about many 09 shows .

 

The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre & Sheamus Vs John Morrison, Evan Bourne, Matt Hardy, Finlay & Shelton Benjamin – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

Man, look at the fucking TALENT in this match. And look at where most of it went . Dolph? Turned to shit. Swagger? Jobber 4 Life. Drew? TNA. Sheamus? He’s in line for a title run atm but… he just hasn’t been the same for a while. Morrison? Gone. Bourne? Gone. Hardy? Fat, out of shape, and in TNA. Finlay? Retired it seems. Shelton? Died a slow, painful death in WWE before leaving.

Quite sad .

Swagger countering a ROLL UP into a SUPLEX .

Bourne totally rocks the early going of this match, and even gets rid of Dolph with a huge SSP!!! But once that’s done, McIntyre hits his Future Shock DDT and pins him .

BUT… that leads to FINLAY running in next and trying to murder Drew, who he has been feuding with for a while.

Sheamus is tagged in and… KICK TO THE FACE immediately and Finlay is gone. Lots of fast eliminations here, no doubt so they can make sure other matches on the show get more time, even though most won’t have the potential to be as awesome as this could be with 30 minutes .

I still never understand why people DON’T BREAK UP PINS in elimination matches. Normal tag matches? ALL THE TIME. Elimination tag matches? Meh, fuck it. Stupid as fuck.

Seems things are slowing down a bit now with Hardy playing FIP, and he’s the perfect guy since Bourne has already been eliminated. Also means we get some more Swagger Vs Matt action .

Fuck me, Swagger takes the… whatever that springboard kick of Morrison was called… really, really well. Though he does seem to take shots to the head far too well in general lol .

HOLY SHIT SOMEONE BROKE UP A PIN!!!

Doesn’t matter though, Swagger still ends up being pinned moments later.

Yey some Drew Vs Matt stuff . They had some awesome matches together.

FUTURE SHOCK DDT. Well, it’s 3 on 1 now for poor Morrison. Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be like that if HE BROKE UP PINS. But what do I know? I’m just a fat ginger guy who posts blogs and videos on the internet…

Morrison takes a beating for a while, but starts to come back and almost takes everyone out, until he springboards right into a kick and then BOOM, Razor’s Edge!!! Sheamus picks up the win for his team!!!

Always liked this match . Lots of good talent (and The Miz), and does get about 20 minutes too, so aside from some fast eliminations early on, it does get a decent bit of time.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Backstage segment with Christian and his team (well, Kofi’s team). Everyone is black but Christian. Christian sees this and makes a joke about it, claiming that he’s different and the only one… FROM ECW. The others laugh it off thinking he was on about being white while they are all black, and he thinks they thought it was because he was Canadian . He then raps and brings up the fact he’s the only white guy . Oh man, why the FUCK was Christian not pushed more than Edge, seriously? I don’t get it? At all. Better on the mic? Check. Charisma? Check. In ring? FUCKING CHECK. He had IT. But Vince didn’t like IT and so Christian was pushed aside. Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you straight to motherfucking HELL.

 

Batista Vs Rey Mysterio

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!!

Well, this looks like it will be FUN. Rey is running around, trying to chop down the ANIMAL… meanwhile Batista just MURDERS little Rey Rey every chance he gets .

Rey rocks at constantly trying to fight out of power moves and trying to hit Batista every chance he gets to keep him down so the power can’t come into play.

Batista is in serious trouble here as Rey really gets some momentum going, hitting multiple 619’s to the ribs of Batista while he’s standing against the ropes, and following it up with the springboard senton!!! But Rey takes one too many risks and Batista counters with his knees during a splash, and then Batista runs through poor Rey with a SPEAR that even Goldberg could be proud of.

That seems to be the end of Rey, and after a Spinebuster and BATISTA BOMB, it’s pretty much confirmed.

ANOTHER BATISTA BOMB~! Batista is punishing Rey for costing him the WHC back at Bragging Rights.

THIRD BATISTA BOMB~! And the referee calls for the bell; Rey cannot continue.

I was right, this was a lot of fun .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Team Orton backstage. Orton EXPECTS his team to win tonight.

 

Randy Orton, William Regal, CM Punk, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Vs Christian, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP & R-Truth – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

HENRY starting this match . He wants a piece of Orton!

Team Orton on the apron all try to attack Henry and he wipes them all out.

And then behind the referee’s back, they attack him again and Orton lands the RKO and Henry is gone . I miss Henry. Team Kofi only has Christian now who is worth a damn.

R-Truth is quickly despatched and I’m a little happy . Still miss Henry .

CHRISTIAN~! Did Christian and Punk have any singles matches?

Christian is awesome early on, realising he’s about to be send into the opposite team corner, and manages to counter Punk and get back to the middle of the ring where he’s safe from potential cheap shots!

Teddy is eliminated by Christian!!! And the moment that happens, Regal rolls in and decks Christian with a running elbow .

Urgh, Kofi tagged in.

He and Regal go back and forth, but MVP makes a blind tag and comes in to eliminate Regal . WHY ALL THE GOOD GUYS GETTING ELIMINATED FIRST?!?! If Christian is next amma be majorly pissed.

Phew, MVP is next to go. But now I remember how this match goes, and I’m sad again .

KILLSWITCH~! Cody Rhodes is done! Down to 2 on 2; Kofi & Christian Vs Punk & Orton!

KILLSWITCH TO ORTON~! But Punk actually BREAKS UP A PIN and an RKO later sees Christian eliminated .

Kofi was getting a pretty huge push at the time. He had that whole “MSG moment” as well as destroying Orton’s car and whatnot. But feuding with Orton would end up ruining his career and… and I kinda wanna thank Orton for that .

Punk and Kofi, two good friends and travel buddies in real life, have a stare down for… no real reason before getting into the action.

Some decent exchanges between the two friends, but then the match slows down as Punk applies some rest holds. Meanwhile, Orton is on the floor acting more like a manager rather than a tag partner…

Kingston eliminates Punk eventually, then immediately decks Orton with Trouble in Paradise and eliminates Orton to win the match!!!

This was ok, but gots nothing on the opening tag.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Match

This match taking place allowed the first EVER one on one meeting between Jericho and Undertaker to take place during the build up. Oh, and I just so happened to be there live . Happened the same night as the epic Christian Vs Regal ECW title match too . That was one hell of a night!!!

Show and Jericho are tag champions at this time still. Show was given a title shot for his actions at Bragging Rights; costing Team Raw the match and letting Smackdown win. But, since Jericho got the pinfall in that tag, he also got a title shot tonight!

Man, there truly is NOTHING like being in the arena for Undertaker’s entrance. It’s magnificent on TV, but just so damn special in person. So glad I was finally able to experience it about 2 weeks prior to this show. And Undertaker having the WHC at the same time was icing on the cake. With current wrestling really not doing anything for me aside from Undertaker’s current feud with Lesnar, I have more belief now than I ever have, that once Undertaker retires, I will likely stop watching wrestling. Current wrestling, anyway.

We get the classic Jericho/Fan moment in this match with a fan telling Jericho to “go back to Toronto” to which Jericho replies “I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot!!!” .

Well this match plays out exactly as you would expect at the start; JeriShow double team Undertaker while Undertaker does whatever he can to not only survive, but also get some big offence in.

Again, like I’ve mentioned before in these 09 Rambles, I have to laugh thinking of all the “reports” of Undertaker being in bad shape and injured or whatever… but I challenge ANYONE to show me where he looks out of shape or injured in this match. He is taking bumps, getting beat down by 2 guys, and while the traditional triple threat formula sees 2 guys battle with one guy outside on the floor, Undertaker is almost always one of the guys in the ring.

Jericho has Undertaker locked in the Walls of Jericho for a good while, and just as everyone thinks he’s gonna tap out, Big Show gets back into the ring and takes out his partner!!!

Time for some Undertaker Vs Big Show stuff . Their 08 feud was awesome, and it did continue into early 09 as well, and nice to see it coming back a little here.

JERICHO DECKS BIG SHOW WITH THE WHC BY MISTAKE~!

LAST RIDE TO JERICHO~! But Jericho steals a page from HHH’s book at WM 17, picking up the WHC with him and decking Undertaker in the head!!!

1…

2…

NEW CHAMPION… NO!!!

Jericho tries to go for a Tombstone . Undertaker reverses, but turns into a KNOCKOUT PUNCH~!

Jericho and Big Show break up a couple of pin attempts from each other, and start to go at it!

Big Show is in control and looking to take out his old rival, but he makes the mistake of taunting Undertaker first, allowing the Dead Man to lock in Hells Gate!!!

Big Show taps!!!

Undertaker retains the WHC is a really good triple theat match!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, Layla & Jillian Vs Mickie James, Gail Kim, Melina, Eve & Kelly Kelly – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

Since I only like about… 2 people in this match, I’ll skip it.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

John Cena Vs Triple H Vs Shawn Michaels – WWE Championship Match

Both major titles matches on this show were defended in triple threat matches with the 2 challengers being tag team partners. Show and Jericho tried their best to remain together until the end of the match, and here? Well… HBK had a different idea .

HBK and Cena get to go back and forth for a good while without HHH, and HBK Vs Cena is typically always good .

Cena tries to AA HBK through the table, but HHH makes the save!!! Aaaaand then spinebusts Shawn through the table . YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!!

Well now we get HHH Vs Cena which… is VERY hit and miss compared to HBK Vs Cena .

Still, I guess it’s better than HHH Vs HBK .

After a time of HHH Vs Cena, we do of course get HHH Vs HBK.

Not really got much to say about this match. Nothing horrible is happening, in fact it’s been a fun match but… there hasn’t really been anything worth saying without me resorting to typing out every single move .

One thing that IS horrible though, is Matt Striker’s commentary. Sometimes I really like the guy… other times I wanna shoot him. On the one hand is IS knowledgeable and it can add to matches, plus he does sound like he’s genuinely having fun out there. And then that usually devolves into him TRYING to make sure we know he’s a fan at heart, and ends up being a regular old smark who somehow got on commentary lol.

SUBMISSIONS~!

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

But HBK is hurt and falls out of the ring, while HHH falls on Cena!!!

1…2… KICK OUT!!!

AA~!

EVERYONE IS DEAD~!

Crazy awesome finishing stretch with everyone countering finishers and shit before HHH gets superkicked and Cena retains the title!

Good match .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10

 

Bragging Rights 2009

 

For ONE HOUR I will have to sit through Orton Vs Cena. If I make it, I will indeed have BRAGGING RIGHTS!!!

 

The Miz Vs John Morrison – Smackdown Vs Raw Bragging Rights Match

The Jiz is the US champ. Also, I apparently didn’t remember that this show was a “best of 3” for Bragging Rights lol. I just thought it was the winner of the big 7 Vs 7 tag match, but nope. Gotta win 2 out of 3 matches tonight, with the 7 Vs 7 being one of them.

Oh, I’m not watching this. Miz wins for Raw though.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Oh yey a backstage segment between Truth and Rhodes. This will be interesting…

 

Michelle McCool, Natalya & Beth Phoenix Vs Melina, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim – Smackdown Vs Raw Bragging Rights Match

Fuck me. Skipping this one too. Team Smackdown win of course. Melina, KK and Gail Kim are Team Smackdown btw .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Backstage we are in TEAM RAW’S LOCKER ROOM. DX pretty much bury their entire team . Well done, guys.

 

The Undertaker Vs CM Punk Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Undertaker Vs 3 other guys he has incredible chemistry with!!!

This also happens to be the match that starts the “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND” feud with Batista and Mysterio .

The Undertaker is fucking up EVERYONE early on. Well, everyone fucks up Punk because he’s a prick, but once he’s out of the way, Undertaker rolls through Batista and Mysterio until Punk comes back in to try and put a stop to the domination of the DEAD MAN.

LAST RIDE~! Mysterio is about to come crashing down, but his friend Batista SPEARS Undertaker instead! Then they tease Batista and Rey going at it, but of course it doesn’t happen yet.

GTS~!

HELLS GATE~!

LAST RIDE~!

Batista and Undertaker throwback to 07 by punching each other in the face repeatedly .

CHOKESLAM~!

Once again though Punk breaks up the count, something he seems to be doing well here tonight.

I remember around this time in 09 that reports were always coming out every week about Undertaker not being 100% etc etc and people complaining about him being champion… yet he NEVER showed any signs of injury in his matches, and despite being in a lot of multiman matches during his reign, he was ALWAYS in the thick of it, and still took some crazy bumps. So in other words, FUCK THE HATERS.

BATISTA BOMB~!

1…2…

MYSTERIO BREAKS UP THE COUNT~!

Batista is fucking PISSED and his friend Rey, and pie faces him out of the ring!

Mysterio tries to get back into the match, but Batista just LAUNCHES him over the ropes and onto Punk. Batista turns around right into a TOMBSTONE, and The Undertaker retains his title in a really fun fast paced 4 way match!!!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Josh Matthews tries to interview Batista and Mysterio after the match… but all it does is add fuel to the fire and Batista kills Rey AGAIN .

 

Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Mark Henry, The Big Show, Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes & Kofi Kingston Vs Chris Jericho, Kane, Finlay, Matt Hardy, Tyson Kidd, David Hart Smith & R-Truth – Smackdown Vs Raw Bragging Rights Match

Team Raw is fucking STACKED… while Team SD is a bit iffy outside of a couple of names . And the funny thing is that Team SD was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT until a few days ago . Yeah, they had all of Team SD aside from Kane and Jericho (co-team captains) go up against the guys now in the match to decide who was better. I saw the clips of that earlier in the show… and there was one guy in the match that I didn’t even fucking recognise .

Kane should never wear a blue SD vest ever again. He just… doesn’t suit normal clothes .

Fuck me, Big Show just RAN OVER Kane.

SWAGGER TIME~! He tries to taunt Kane and gets an uppercut for his troubles.

Swagger and Matt in the ring together . Reminds me of the fun times at ECW .

Charles Robinson is the bravest referee of them all, getting in between FOURTEEN MEN who wanna kill each other lol.

Hardy and Matt in the ring together . MOAR ECW memories .

Matt tries to make a tag, but Henry grabs one of his arms and fucking slings him back into the Raw corner like Matt weighed fuck all.

HBK TIME~! Did we ever, at any time, get a HBK Vs Matt singles match? Because fuck me that is something I’d LOVE to see. Or… would have done about 6 years ago…

FINLAY VS HBK . This match is just giving me tons of different match ups that I either loved when they happened or would love to have happened at some point . Having so much fun here .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC to FINLAY!!! But David Hart Smith got a blind tag and with Kidd, they hit the HART ATTACK out of nowhere and very nearly put away the Show Stoppa!!!

Nice that HBK is playing the FIP. Perfect guy to do it in this match for sure.

Hot tag to THE GAME, and HHH begins to stack up Team Smackdown with SPINEBUSTERS until Kane chokeslams him straight to hell!!!

Urgh, Kofi Kingston gets into the match for the first time. Was kinda hoping he’d go the entire match without being tagged in .

CHAOS~! Now everyone is getting into the match and taking someone out one after the other!!!

Big Show and Kofi are left standing for Team Raw… but Show CHOKESLAMS KOFI, knocks out HHH and leaves Jericho to pick up the win for Team Smackdown!!!

Very happy with this one . Tons, and I mean TONS of fun. Finlay kicking HHH out of the ring at the end is .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Cody attacks Kofi backstage for being a LOSER. I approve.

 

Randy Orton Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Anything Falls Count Anywhere Goes 60 Minute Iron Man Match

SAVE ME JEBUS~!

Also, if Cena loses, he leaves Raw.

So, at least WWE decided to make this anything goes and FCA, because an hour of these two trying to have a normal wrestling match likely wouldn’t go very well . The stipulations let them try and be creative and hopefully be entertaining for the full hour. And there is a 30 second interval between falls as well… because WWE apparently didn’t think they could go the full hour without some rests .

3 minutes in and I’m already bored.

4 minutes in and Cena gets a win already. Orton taps out as quick as possible to the STFU to avoid any long term damage.

And now we wait for 30 seconds while they stare at each other…

Dear commentators, please stop telling us Bret/HBK Iron Man was a classic. It wasn’t. It was awful.

RKO, Orton gets a fall too.

And now they decide to use some weapons too. TV monitor to Cena plus a mic to the head, but Cena doesn’t stay down.

Cena is BLEEDING. No blood in THREE HELL IN A CELL MATCHES at the last PPV… but Iron Man? BLOOD~!

Cena decides that taking a beating and bleeding means nothing and fires back up like nothing is wrong, and then hits the AA but is countered into an RKO and… both men get a win?

Ok, so Cena has been beaten up. His head is BLEEDING. He’s taking head shots from a mic, tv monitor and steel steps. His AA was countered into an RKO… but HE is the one to get back up first, and manages to hit Orton with an AA FROM THE ROPES to get another fall?

While the 30 seconds is counting down, LEGACY show up and attack Cena, allowing Orton to get another fall straight away. 3-3 now. Yey…

Kofi shows up to chase off Legacy with a chair.

22 minutes down. 38 left. I wanna cry.

They fight on the outside, and end up at the pyro area, where Orton smashes Cena onto the control pad and a bunch of fireworks go off… ORTON HAS A PLAN!!!

Orton throws Cena into some lights, which also explode, and Orton is up 1 fall!

So while Cena is trying to crawl to safety, Orton starts pressing buttons again to see what does what. Why? HE TRIES TO BLOW UP CENA . They should have made this an exploding death match instead .

Well, sitting through 30 minutes of the match so far was totally worth it for that moment .

awesome spot with the steel steps. Orton throws them, and Cena lets them land on his head and bounce off .

IT’S ALMOST A BLESSING THAT THIS IS THE LAST TIME THESE TWO WILL FACE EACH OTHER~! Lawler shooting right there . Just a shame IT WAS A LIE. And they would face each other again. In more shitty fucking matches. FUCK YOU WWE.

ROLL UP OUTTA NOWHERE~! Cena ties it at 4-4, and Orton is furious .

Hangman DDT from the apron to the floor, and it’s 5-4 for Orton.

You know what’s awesome? SUPER MARIO MAKER . I may have been playing it at certain periods of time during this match .

Things have REALLY slowed down now, and holy fuck is it dull .

I swear for about a 10 minute period, the only moves done are punches and stomps. And mostly from Orton. Who is a horrible puncher.

Yey now they are punching each other in the crowd.

Cena throws Orton through the barricade, and it looks REALLY GOOD because it almost seemed like it wasn’t supposed to break lol.

AA off the steps through the announce table. Cena is building momentum and destroying Orton at the same time. And he needs to because we have less than 10 minutes left and it’s currently tied at 5-5!

5 minutes left and Cena decides to be a retard and puts himself through a table. *slow clap*

they do a back and forth punch spot, but most of the fans are booing both men rather than getting a “yey” “boo” thing going .

Just under 3 minutes left and we get a ref bump .

RKO~! Oh but the referee is dead. Shocking.

Another referee shows up but Cena kicks out. So Orton attacks the new referee. Leaving no referee again. So Orton still won’t be able to get another fall if he wanted to. Smart…

If you were to take a shot every time one of the commentators called this one of the greatest rivalries ever… you’d be drunk enough to get through this match.

A minute left and Orton is stuck in the STFU.

10 seconds left…

ORTON TAPS OUT with 5 seconds left. Cena wins 6-5.

IT’S OVER!!! I DID IT!!! I MADE IT!!! I SAT THROUGH ONE FUCKING HOUR OF CENA VS ORTON!!!

Well, it’s not the worst Iron Man match… Bret Vs HBK still holds that accolade… but boy is this not good.

Rating: *3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4

 

Hell in a Cell 2009

 

Hmmm… HIAC is a popular and brutal way of ending feuds… I know! LET’S MAKE A PPV OUT OF IT AND HAVE RANDOM MULTIPLE MATCHES TAKE PLACE INSIDE HIAC, KILLING THE GIMMICK!!!

 

CM Punk Vs The Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship Hell in a Cell Match

BUCKLE UP, TEDDY~!

After the MONTREAL SCREWJOB 2.0 at Breaking Point, Undertaker kidnaps Teddy Long and convinces him to book a HIAC match for the WHC, and here we are!

Did this feud qualify for a HIAC match? NOPE. But WWE wanted to do a HIAC PPV, and you ain’t gonna have the first one without Undertaker inside the cell.

, Punk throwing his shirt at Undertaker during the start of the match makes me think back to the rumours at the time, that Undertaker was pissed at Punk for not complying with the dress code .

Like their BP match, Punk tries to run outside to stop Undertaker from coming straight at him with those big lefts and rights, but inside the HIAC, Punk has nowhere to run and being on the outside here might actually be the worst place for the WHC!

Crowd are on FIRE at one point in this match, with loud chants for BOTH men. Punk always got the crowd to be split in his matches against Undertaker, and very few people can claim that.

Punk works over Undertaker’s knee a little, while taking some crazy bumps off the apron into the cell a couple of times as Undertaker tries to mount some offence .

Another awesome strike exchange from these two, starting out on their knees before they make their way back to their feet and continue to pummel each other .

Undertaker is selling the knee injury really well, and Punk is doing an awesome job using it to his advantage any time Undertaker tries for a comeback.

TOMBSTONE~! The Undertaker is the NEW World Heavyweight Champion!!! Wasn’t too big a fan of Punk dropping the title at this time, but meh, UNDERTAKER IS WORLD CHAMPION . And he was WHC when I finally got to see him wrestle live for the first time ever in November .

Great HIAC match. Not too long, and sure it won’t be remembered with the likes of Taker/HBK, Taker/Foley etc, but it’s still damn good and they pack in a ton into the short time they got. At least the first HIAC PPV gets off to a good start!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

John Morrison Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Well, Rey Rey failed a drug test and had to drop the title… so he did it in a random TV match against Morrison. Meanwhile, Ziggler, the guy FEUDING WITH REY OVER THE TITLE, doesn’t get a look in .

Every Ziggler match I’ve seen on 09 PPV so far, the commentators have always put over his wrestling skills from college and whatnot… and then Morrison pretty much out-mat wrestles him in the beginning of this match .

Wait, Ziggler beat Knox and Finlay in a triple threat to earn this title shot? Or did Morrison win it for a chance to wrestle Rey when he won the title? Commentators confused me there, but either way, seeing either of these two men in the ring with KNOX AND FINLAY actually sounds fun because of how much they are likely to have been beaten up .

This match gets very back and forthy the longer it goes, which is probably for the best because Ziggler doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing when it’s up to him to control the match lol.

There is plenty of good to be found here though, but it’s also accompanied by some stupid shit, annoying shit and just shit shit, so everything just gets balanced out and instead of a bad match or a great match, we end up with a solid match that is somewhat fun overall. The best I could have hoped for tbh!

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

BATISTA~! He takes over the interview and introduces his tag partner for tonight, REY MYSTERIO~! They’ve been tag champions before, and tonight they are going to try again when they go one on one… or… two on two… against JERISHOW!

 

Alicia Fox Vs Mickie James – WWE Divas Championship Match

Oh Mickie you’re so fine… but not fine enough to make me wanna sit through an Alicia Fox match .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Batista & Rey Mysterio – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Batista and Mysterio DOMINATE Jericho early on, showing some great team work that brought them tag team gold in the past.

BIG SHOW VS REY MYSTERIO~!

Batista wants in, but Rey is determined to battle the giant all by himself!!! Not the smartest decision Rey has made .

Big Show slaps Rey in the chest and sends him over the ropes and to the floor. Rey is basically DEAD from a SLAP.

Big Show lifting Rey by his head and bringing him back into the ring looked fucking incredible. As was a side kick to Rey’s chest that looked to cave in all his ribs .

Well, Jericho really brings this down by sitting in a fucking rest hold for 99% of his time in the ring with Rey before the hot tag.

The fans seem to… not be behind Batista . They are booing him getting the hot tag .

Things slow down a little again for Batista to take a little bit of a beating, including a massive Chokeslam that doesn’t get a 3 count because Rey dives over the ropes to break it up!!!

Now REY gets a hot tag… against Big Show… and is holding his own!!!

Super fun finishing stretch for this match, with plenty of multiman chaos on the floor before Mysterio jumps off the ropes and gets cracked in the face with a knockout punch!!! JeriShow are still the tag team champions and this was a super fun match!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

John Cena Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Just gotta get through this match and then it’s onto their 1 hour Iron Man match. And then I can be done with Cena Vs Orton FOREVER.

“HEY ORTON NOBODY LIKES YOU ANY MORE” some little kid in the front row. Meanwhile, the rest of the fans are booing Cena and chanting RKO . Kids are stoopid.

was that a blade that fell out of Cena’s pocket or something, and just sat on the mat in plain sight of the camera for about 30 seconds before the referee picked it up?

Really says something about the match when 12 minutes or so into it, the only things I’ve had to say is about a fan in the front row and a blade falling out .

Fuck me they spend about 5 minutes very slowly climbing the ropes and NOT HITTING ANY MOVES. Seriously, they end up on two corners of the ring, just stopping the other person from doing anything, or moving out of the way .

Orton taps out but the ref is dead on the floor or something.

Fucking HILARIOUS moment when Orton ties Cena up in the ropes then begins to choke him out . His face .

PUNT from Orton to win the match, and it COMPLETELY MISSES AND IS CLEARY SHOWN ON CAMERA MISSING . Then they keep replaying it .

I’ve watched paint drying that was more entertaining than this.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Drew McIntyre Vs R-Truth

As much as I like DREW MCINTYRE, I simply cannot sit through an R-Truth match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Apparently LEGACY studied the Hell in a Cell last week by going inside it for an hour . WHAT IS THERE TO STUDY?!?!

 

Kofi Kingston Vs The Miz Vs Jack Swagger – WWE United States Championship Match

Fuck. Right. Off.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Hell in a Cell Match

Phew, we are saved from a DX pre-match promo as Legacy attack them from behind during their entrance.

Back and forth brawling, before Cody gets the chain used to lock the cell door and hits HBK, then attacks HHH. Teddy and Cody double DDT THE GAME on the steel ramp, then Cody hits Cross Rhodes on the steel too, and HHH is out of it.

That leaves HBK in a 2 on 1 situation, and it gets even worse when Cody and Teddy LOCK THE CELL DOOR with HHH still on the outside!

Fucking SICK High-Low from Legacy onto HBK. Normally with that move, one guy tends to be a bit slower than the other and they hit at separate times, or one doesn’t really connect at all. But here it’s fucking PERFECT and HBK takes a great looking bump off it too. No crazy super flip, but just a good looking bump that makes the move look like it killed him.

AIR CHAIR~! HBK just lobs a chair into Cody’s face .

HHH finally wakes the fuck up, and realises he can’t get in! LOL. HBK is trying his best to fight off both opponents, but the numbers game continues to catch up with him and his comebacks never go anywhere.

So HHH figures out that he can’t rip the cell open… and his next option is to CLIMB THE CELL? Even if he did manage to break into the cell from the roof… it’s the new type of cell that’s far too high to jump down from .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

now HHH is trying to break the chain and padlock by HITTING IT WITH A CHAIR .

HBK POWERBOMBED INTO THE CELL~!

Hey, HHH, aren’t you like, the boss’ son-in-law? You know, the guy who runs the show? Can’t you just like, demand that someone raise the cell to let you in?

One of my fav spots in the first HIAC match between HBK and Taker is when Taker picks up Shawn and just starts ramming him back and forth between the corner of the cell and the ring post… and Ted DiBiase does that same spot here .

Another awesome spot where Cody holds up HBK with a chair in front of his head, and Ted dropkicks into him .

A repeat of Breaking Point, with the Figure Four using the post, and the Million Dollar Dream at the same time! Before HBK can tap out, HHH shows up with some bolt cutters and he’s inside the cell!

SPINEBUSTER ON THE STEEL CHAIR~!

And now, despite being beaten down in a 2 on 1 situation for like 15 minutes, HBK makes a comeback and acts like nothing happened! Yey!

Teddy gets smacked in the face with the steel chain, hit with a Pedigree on the floor, then he’s dragged outside while DX lock the cell door and decide to get some revenge on Cody!

Steel chair wrapped around the neck of Cody, and HBK hits the elbow!!! He goes for a superkick, but HHH stops him and gets Sledgy the Sledgehammer out instead.

Sweet Chin Music AND the Sledgehammer to the face of Cody at the same time, and this one is over!!!

Well, I actually really enjoyed a great deal of this. I liked the concept of locking HHH out and murdering HBK until HHH could get back in and make the save. However, HBK shrugging off the 15 minute handicap beatdown really, REALLY pisses me off. They just ignored the bulk of the match so HBK could hit a couple of his signature moves and win the match. Totally ruined what SHOULD have been a great match. Instead it’s good and nothing more.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 6