Vince is going nuts at the start of the PPV, screaming at Regal for changing the match card for tonight. Turns out LINDA did it. IT WAS ME VINCE, IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!
The card actually looks… pretty fecking good. ON PAPER. Kinda hope it does well.
Grand Master Sexay Vs Eddie Guerrero
Well, not everything can look good on paper .
Then again… GMS has the whole PANTS thing going for him, and Eddie is EDDIE. Not sure how good Eddie will be here though. One of his last matches in WWE before going to rehab and then getting released .
Hmmm… Eddie seems to be on top of things. at him dancing like a fucking twat then kicking GMS a couple of times, only for GMS to roll him up for a near fall.
Sitout Powerbomb by GMS who falls over while doing it lol. And to think, Guerrero was the one off his tits at this time. Then again GMS got released shortly after this too now I think about it…
Eddie wins via CHEATING. Short opener, nothing special.
CAL SCALE – 0
Perry Staturn, Dean Malenko & Terri Vs Crash, Hardcore & Molly Holly
“TRIPLE H DON’T BLOW YOUR EVER ENDING NOSE IN MY DIRECTION” Ahhh spotting awesome signs is fun .
Cole perves on Terri in a short skirt waaay too much. What a weirdo. Who does that?
Molly is pretty FAP FAP .
Oh this is now just a 2 on 2 tag because Terri isn’t in wrestling attire.
Cole claims Saturn has changed by wearing those stupid hats because he recently started dating Terri. They’ve been involved on screen for nearly a full YEAR at this point.
Huh, Molly randomly decides to stand on the apron after standing just at ringside for a few minutes. Even though she’s no longer in this match. Does anyone know what’s happening? I don’t. I have a YORKIE cookie to eat .
Damn, Saturn just CLUBS THE SHIT out of Hardcore’s head. MULTIPLE times. Saturn has a Hogan moustache. Colour and all.
Hardcore tries to do his Alabama Slam to Saturn, but Saturn thinks its a back body drop. HE GONE FUCKED UP.
Molly keeps moving places on the apron. Even though she shouldn’t be there. WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Terri breaks up a count and the referee doesn’t call for the bell even though it’s blatant interference because SHE IS NO LONGER PART OF THE MATCH. WHAT IS FUCKING HAPPENING.
Saturn gets a northern lights suplex (I think) on Crash while everyone is busy fapping to the women and gets the win.
Aside from things NOT MAKING SENSE here and there, this is a solid tag match.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Regal is polishing his Queen’s Cup backstage. No, that’s not a euphemism.
The Big Show Vs Bradshaw
Linda cancelled Big Show Vs Test because Test is injured after getting destroyed by Big Show a couple of weeks ago. Show comes out anyway and calls Test out. Test shows up. HE’S A HERO! Show destroys him again and referees come out to save him. So Big Show claims nobody can stop him. OMG I REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENS .
BRADSHAW OF THE APA!!! (and now I can write the actual match down because I just remembered who Show faces!!!)
Big Bad Bradshaw comes down and tries to cave the giant’s face in .
Really fun FIGHT with Bradshaw having to be extra murderous in order to combat the GIANT.
Oh man, Show hits Bradshaw RIGHT IN THE FACE with a right hand. Not a WMD type punch, but a nasty, knarly, realistic kind of punch. Then he takes the referee out and goes after Test again. LOL Test sucks.
BOOT TO THE FACE WITH A CHAIR IN BETWEEN! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! BRADSHAW GETS THE WIN!
FUN FUN FUN. This should have been a hardcore match. I *think* Show and Test have one at JD, right? And of course Backlash has the LMS match with Show and Shane. Show has a ton of really good hardcore type matches under his belt tbh. LMS, Street Fights, Hardcore matches, No Holds Barred etc. Lots and lots of pure fun.
CAL SCALE – 2
Edge & Christian Vs The Hardy Boys Vs The Dudley Boys Vs X-Pac & Justin Credible – Elimination Tag Team Match
Wish Albert was in this match instead of Credible. Did you read the “report” recently that claims Albert is getting paid $400,000 a year by WWE? They offered him that to leave Japan and his $100,000 a year contract there. No wonder he doesn’t give a fuck about being Tensai and dancing with a dinosaur!
LOL at X-Pac randomly falling down and pointing at his knee to distract the referee while Albert and Credible crotch Matt on the ring post. Commentary for it is great too:
Heyman: “I think that’s gonna ruin Lita’s night”
Cole: “Pretty much”
No surprise to anyone that X-Factor are the first team eliminated. They ain’t happy so Albert and Credible attack Matt on the outside while E&C eliminate Jeff!
Down to E&C and those DAMN Dudleys!
at Edge coming into the ring, pointing at Bubba so the referee runs over to him allowing Edge to help Christian double team D-Von. How fucking DUMB is Tim White lol?
Your standard E&C/Dudleys tag match from this point on, but as I’ve said before, a standard match between these teams (and the Hardy Boys) is better than your average tag match. Tim White keeps doing dumb things, E&C keep cheating, then Bubba gets a hot tag and steamrolls over everyone.
Is there some unwritten rule in wrestling where anyone taking a back body drop from Bubba has to fucking LEAP in the air as high as possible? Because damn, everyone goes out of their way to kill themselves lol.
RHYNO! GORE! GORE! GORE! Bubba eats a GORE and E&C gets the win. Spike comes out to prevent Bubba going through a table, and Rhyno ends up taking a 3-D through it!
CAL SCALE – 2
Clips of a make a wish foundation thingy that WWE attended the night before. Stephanie slaps Michael Cole. Wonder if that was someone’s wish .
Eamonn Holmes Chris Tarrant are in the crowd. THE STARS ARE OUT TONIGHT .
Steven Richards and Ivory come out to tell us that we are terrible people for having Page 3 nudity. Oh and he’s managed to get the ladies battle royal cancelled. They all come out and strip Ivory and Richards. Then beat him up. LOL.
Kurt Angle Vs Chris Benoit – 2 out of 3 Falls Match
Nothing like having a 2 out of 3 falls match on the PPV before they have a 2 out of 3 falls match on PPV!
This one doesn’t have a ladder match though.
2 years in a row for these guys having a match at Insurrextion. Enjoyed last year’s. Wonder if this will be any good.
Benoit stole Angle’s Gold Medals last week. He’s hiding them in his crotch. CROTCH MEDALS.
at Heyman taking the piss out of Australia during this match. Why? Because he’s PAUL FUCKING HEYMAN.
3 AMIGOS BY BENOIT!!! Sort of. First 2 are snap suplexes and he looks terrible at spinning up off the mat, then the third he drops Angle down across the ropes. But still. Did Benoit invent the 3 AMIGOS?
FLYING HEADBUTT! Benoit gets the first fall win. This has been good so far. They seemed to have their better stuff in 01 imo. They didn’t have that robotic style down yet and were a little more stiff and gritty, or at least as much as Angle could be.
Second fall gets a little dull as Angle attempts to control things, but Benoit is constantly fighting back after a boring sleeper hold nearly puts me to sleep thankfully. Some nice exchanges with Benoit getting the upperhand constantly and getting the win in the second fall, beating Angle 2 straight falls! They claim it’s because Angle is too busy thinking about his Gold Medals. His Gold Medals are in Benoit’s crotch. So is Angle thinking about Benoit penis?
This was good. Not great, but good.
CAL SCALE – 2
Chris Jericho Vs William Regal – Queen’s Cup Match
Gotta feel for Teddy Long in this one. A singles match? Really? Why couldn’t HE be the referee for the 4 team elimination match? Poor guy.
Gotta feel for anyone watching this match. It’s slooooow in a bad way, and extremely dull. Highlight was Regal doing that awesome suplex. Normally he does a half nelson suplex and turns them completely over, but here he did it as a German Suplex. Either way it makes me . Unfortunately that’s all that made me in this one.
Jericho wins the cup.
CAL SCALE – 0
The Undertaker Vs Steve Austin & Triple H – WWF Championship Handicap Match
Undertaker has to pin Austin to win the WWF title, but he can still just pin HHH for the win.
Austin and HHH think they’ve got this in the bag because it’s 2 on 1. So Undertaker brings in a steel chair and the 2 Man Power Trip are shitting themselves!
LOL at HHH. Undertaker books him in the face to knock him out of the ring, but he fucks up and just slides down to the mat instead. Undertaker has to turn back and punch him in the face to knock him over the ropes. HE’S THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF THE WWE HONEST!!!
“ASTIN SOLD OUT” sign in the crowd. Not only is it hilarious because they couldn’t spell Austin right, but they are also holding it upside down . Fucking southerners .
What the fuck was that? What? This:
a similar situation happens with Austin about 2 minutes later .
About 10 minutes into the match and Earl decides that HHH and Austin need to tag in and out. Ok…
CHAIR SHOT~! Undertaker is now in trouble with the 2 Man Power Trip in control.
Nothing like a sleeper hold by HHH to get the fans into the match… *yawns*
Worst. Chokeslam through a table. Ever. My god, does anyone give a FUCK in this match? I’ve put more effort into going to A4E than this. Holy jebus. I’m watching an Undertaker match and I’m NOT CARING.
Vince McMahon shows up, decks HHH with a chair by accident, takes a better chokeslam than HHH did through the table earlier. HHH takes a good chokeslam finally, and Undertaker gets the win. But doesn’t win the title. Because he needed to pin Austin for that. I guess he figured with the numbers game and the fact he was bleeding and shit, he just needed to get the win over whoever he could. Still seemed dumb.
This PPV was looking good. Fun and shit. Then got dull towards the end. Does shit on the CAL SCALE mainly because the good matches weren’t good enough on the old STARS~!
CAL SCALE – 0
Overall CAL SCALE – 6.5