2014 Royal Rumble
Oh boy. The event that is getting talked about more than probably any show since the invention of the internet… and not for anything good!
Match 1 – Daniel Bryan Vs Bray Wyatt. Ahh Daniel Bryan. How fucking OVER is this guy? It’s pretty fucking incredible. Haven’t really been into this whole Wyatt feud, but hey, Bryan has remained over as fuck, and probably becoming MORE over (especially after that cage match), so it’s been tolerable for crowd reactions alone lol. Went into the match not expecting much, and watching live I was surprised as hell, so I’m very much looking forward to re-watching this one! Match feels very much like a FIGHT, with Bray wanting to beat the hell out of Bryan for turning his back on the family, and Bryan just wanting some good old fashioned revenge. Harper and Rowan getting sent to the back and Bray saying “I don’t need you to fight this WAR for me” sums everything up perfectly, because these two go to fucking war. Lots of stiff looking offence from both guys, combined with Bryan bumping around like a champ for Bray. Can’t say I’ve cared for Bray in the ring before, but damn he looked great here. Being in the ring with Bryan likely helped a lot, but Bray was great at making the match look like a fight and incorporating his character into the match. Irked me a little that Bray shrugged off the leg work from Bryan the moment he got in full control, but at the same time it didn’t bother me too much, if that makes any sense. Bray was so splendid in control that I didn’t care if he sold the leg longer or not. SPLASH TO THE HEAD~! RIGHT INTO THE RINGPOST~! Nice of them to work the recent concussion to Bryan into the match. Did they even mention that on TV btw? It was mentioned here after Bryan got squashed into the ring post but I don’t remember if it was brought up on Raw or anything. Another thing I really liked about the match is how Bray didn’t stick to just one body part. He gets control of the match by slamming Bryan arm first onto the apron. Then he squashes his head into the ring post. Then he attacks the mid-section. Normally I’d complain that whoever was in control was all over the place and confused about what they are doing, but it seems to work in Bray’s favour given his character. He’s a crazy psychopath who wants to HURT Bryan no matter what. PLUS you have Bryan refusing to just stay down and constantly makes little comeback attempts that force Bray to cut him off in different ways, so he doesn’t always have the TIME to focus on one part of the body without Bryan coming back at him. The head does eventually become more of a focal point though, mainly because of Bray’s finisher and the fact he uses it on the outside into the barricade which was fucking AWESOME. “WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP HIM?” Was a great line from Bray to the fans, who all just sat there and watched as he crushed the guy’s head into the ring post then splashed him. If they truly loved him then shouldn’t they have helped him? Oh and the creepy upside down spider walk thingy is awesome. Creepy but awesome. I do however await the day when someone kicks him right in the fucking FACE when he does it . THAT FUCKING CLOTHESLINE !!! Sweet jebus was that awesome looking. Just another wonderful cut off spot from Bray. Really enjoyed how Bryan kept making those small comebacks, using his usual comeback offence, but never getting to do it all at once. He’d start doing one thing, then Bray would cut him off, then Brian would come back again with some more of his “moves of doom” stuff, and again he’d get cut off. Made a nice change from the basic “moves of doom” comeback and yet another thing I love to praise this match for. Fuck, there is just so much awesomeness to this match. There is still a ton of stuff I haven’t brought up because if I mentioned everything I liked I would have ended up with a play by play commentary of the match instead lol. So in the end, Bryan falls to Bray and Sister Abigail in the middle of the ring. Would I have liked Bryan to win? Of course. Am I particularly bothered that he didn’t? No. Because it isn’t going to hurt Bryan in the slightest. Bryan is OVER and that isn’t changing. Bray beating Bryan helps him infinitely more than it would help Bryan to beat him. The only complaint I have is how they had Bryan, the superuber over guy, in the first match of the night lose… which in all honestly teased the absolute shit out of everyone that he might show up again for the RR match and win. But that’s a rant for later. As far as this match goes… superb. ****1/4.
Match 2 – Brock Lesnar Vs The Big Show – I was fairly hyped for this one. These two have a history of good matches, so I was hoping for something super fun. Instead… Lesnar jumped Show before the bell and smashed the shit out of him with a chair. Then another chair. Show lands a WMD which DOESN’T knock Brock out (despite Michael Cole being a retard and screaming that he was knocked out…), which I have to say I fucking LOVED because it made Lesnar look like a BEAST. Show uses that time to rest and go after Brock with some more shots to the mid-section… then Lesnar powers him up, F-5 and wins. Then smashes another chair over Show over and over again. And honestly they really waste too much time on it. DID YOU KNOW? SHOW GAVE LESNAR HIS FIRST LOSS AT THE 2002 ROYAL RUMBLE EVENT!!! What? You didn’t know that? I don’t blame you, because it’s not a real thing. GREAT JOB AS ALWAYS, JERRY! I like the idea of the match; Lesnar beats down Show with a chair, Show hits WMD to make his comeback, Brock shakes it off and lands an F-5 and wins. But in execution they dragged it out FAR too fucking long. Big Show apparently might have been injured going into the match so this is their way out, but I definitely think it could have been done better. For what it was, I DID enjoy it, however I was expecting much more from them, and the amount of time spent on it drags the whole thing down. **.
Match 3 – Randy Orton Vs John Cena – So instead of sitting through this god awful on paper match live, I made some food, and watched an old episode of House. I was half way into an episode before the RR started so I continued with that, and I think I made the right choice. However, since this IS a WWEWHC match, I don’t feel right about skipping it, so it’s time to sit through what might be the least appealing “main event” match WWE could possibly throw at me. DANIEL BRYAN chants before the bell even rings. Followed by “let’s go Cena CENA SUCKS” and then “YES YES YES YES” chants. So Bryan is definitely over as fuck in this match, and Cena has his usual mixed reaction… and Orton is completely ignores . SO LET’S CONTINUE TO PUSH ORTON AS THE TOP GUY YEY!!! Was that a “we want Angle” chant? And a “Y2J” one too? LOL. Orton Vs Cena is so bad people actually want ANGLE back. I did like how Orton stood there and soaked in the chants then started viciously kicking and headbutting Cena, like he was using the crowd’s hatred of this whole situation to motivate him. But the fans still don’t care about anything and move on to a “boring” chant and continue to absolutely ignore Orton’s existence . Orton keeps trying to use the crowd and bring them into the match, so that’s nice… but yeah, they just DON’T CARE. They, the PAYING WWE AUDIENCE, are telling WWE WHAT THEY WANT and WWE are IGNORING THEM EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. So they are just shitting over this terrible, force fed bullshit and rightly so. And it’s not like they are shitting over a good match either. Cena and Orton are doing fuck all to make this match worth sitting through. It’s just the same old shit from both guys. What the fuck? I swear there is like, an actual full MINUTE of Orton stood doing NOTHING while Cena is down on the match. Seriously. And the crowd were petty silent too . Yet another dull moment in this crapfest! Ref bump. Random shit. WE WANT DIVAS chant . THIS IS AWFUL chant . Commentators play it off as the crowd trying to get in Orton’s head or some bollacks. Ummm no. They are trying to get into Vince’s head, to tell him he’s a fucking MORON. Finisher fest that sucks. Lights go out, Wyatt’s show up, Orton takes advantage and wins. Wyatt’s beat down Cena to set up to what is apparently a WM match in the making. LOL. Crowd were the ONLY good thing in this match, and I don’t give STARS to crowds. DUD.
Match 4 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – RUMBLE TIME BITCHES! Punk is #1 of course, and #2 is Seth Rollins! Good pairing to start things off . Some really fun sequences her with both guys kicking each other around and shit. Sandow is #3. Yawn. CODY #4. Poor guy lost the tag belts in the pre-show. TO THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS. IN 2014. LOL. But seriously that was kinda bullshit. I like the NAO. I’m a fan of them being back atm. They’ve had some fun matches with Punk and Cody & Goldust and The Shield, but tag champs? Get the fuck out of here. And ending the Cody/Goldust reign on the fucking PRE-SHOW too? Bullshit. Sandow is gone. Good. KANE! KANE IS #5! He’s 1 elimination behind HBK for most total eliminations… so he gets eliminated by Punk before he can get even 1. HBK gotta hold on to that record I guess. Can’t have Kane breaking another RR record. Oh well. He still has most eliminations in a single rumble… . He’s been in the most consecutive Rumble matches at least. OMG #6 IS ALEXANDER RUSEV!!! HE’S THAT… DUDE. FROM NXT. THAT I’VE NEVER SEEN OR HEARD OF BEFORE IN MY LIFE. FUCK YES!!! THIS IS AWESOME *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* . But in all seriousness, he actually looks impressive. RR matches are a good way to debut certain guys imo, as it allows them to just come in and crush people, look dominant, hit a bunch of big moves and not be limited to some “wwe style” match where they need to apply a lame rest hold for 2 minutes in the middle of the match. SWAGGIE~! But more importantly, ZEB AND HIS AWESOME SIGN. “Kofi Kingston’s 6th Rumble match” said by Cole as Kofi comes in. Then he follows it up with “I miss-spoke, Kofi entered at #8 and this is his 6th Rumble match”. Uhhhh… how the FUCK did you miss-speak you fucking tard? great drinking game for this PPV is to take a shot every time a commentator fucks up. You’ll be dying of alcohol poisoning by the second match. Nobody makes it to the RR match. GOLDUST . 6 guys eliminate Rusev, which makes him look strong in defeat. Kofi gets launched on him and he places him on the barricade, which leads to the anual Kofi Rumble Spot. It was ok. Hard to surpass the hand walking thing tbh. I was actually hoping he’d miss it when I watched the show live . DEAN AMBROSE. So Seth entered the match from the crowd like always… but Dean enters from the entrance way? Oooook. Jim Duggan’s pick shows up at #12; Dolph Ziggler! I see the real Hacksaw is as stupid as his fake twitter account . Another Kofi isn’t eliminated spot. Urgh. KEVIN NASH. Nice to see him I guess. He eliminates SWAGGIE then goes after THE SHIELD and then… doesn’t really make a difference because #15 ROMAN FUCKING REIGNS lobs him out. Man oh man Reigns comes in looking awesome. He fucking DROPKICKS a guy who is on the apron by jumping up onto the apron with a dropkick and landing on the apron. Kinda hard to explain it exactly but it was awesome. SPEARS. ELIMINATIONS. AWESOMENESS. And then Khali shows up. The fuck is Khali still doing in the company? I swear JBL is just sat on fucking Wikipedia so he can spout out random RR facts. Goldust accidentally runs into Cody and eliminates him! Then Goldust gets dumped out . Losing the tag titles and then the elimination is likely the beginning of the end of their tag team . SHEAMUS! YES! THE GREAT WHITE IS BACK! . Hope the guy gets right back into workhorse mode like last year before he got injured, and 2012. Cool to see him go at The Shield again after all this time. Miz. No reaction for him. Ha. Bad News Barrett mention. Didn’t Barrett enter himself into the RR on SD? The fuck happened there? Wait… why the fuck do I care? Fuck Barrett. And fuck Miz. Man, I forgot Punk was even still in this thing. The fuck has he been most of this match? Lazy shit. DANIEL BRYAN chants again as the countdown to #20 begins. El Torito ends up being the next entrant. Which is actually better than a lot of the other entrants so far lol. Guys take a bunch of bumps for the little guy and it’s kinda awesome tbh lol. Then he eliminates Fandango . Roman presses the midget bull over head and launches him into Fandango who takes a fucking hilariously bad bump. CESARO AND ZEB WITH A FOLLOW UP SIGN . GIANT SWING~! Punk with a drop kick to Miz while he’s getting swinged. Swingged. Swung. There we go. I felt a little queasy just watching poor Rollings get spun over 20 times. SPEAR TO CESARO~! Harper comes out and the crowd fall silent. LOL. Another Uso shows up and the crowd fucking DIE again, which is a shame because Cesaro and Harper have an awesome exchangeof uppercuts. JBL!!! JBL IS IN THE RR!!! He gets in, stands around, shouts to Cole to take his jacket and then gets eliminated and pretends like nothing ever happened ala Lawler in 97… which Lawler even brings up . I don’t like them wasting entrances on commentators, especially considering a certain someone doesn’t even enter… but I liked it here. at the “you still got it” chants . Fans taking the piss, in what I would believe IS all in good fun . FUCK YES THE MIZ IS ELIMINATED . SHIELD AND WYATT STAREDOWN AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK BECAUSE IT HAPPENS RIGHT AS SOMEONE ELSE IS ENTERING SO THAT WAS A FUCKING WASTE. Ryback comes in and grabs Cesaro up to throw him into the corner… only to realise that all the corners are taken so he has to do his shoulder attack in the ropes . CESARO AND SHEAMUS. Ryback tries to get involved and Sheamus just punches him in the face and tells him to fuck off. “THAT WASN’T A MOVE. THAT WAS JUST “I’M GONNA THROW MY FIRST INTO YOUR FACE”. I do believe that’s known as a PUNCH Mr Jibble. #28 is none other than the Animal. Who looks fucking redicuous in his ring gear. Guy looks knackered running down to the ring… and he was only jogging . Batista is absolutely FUCKED before #29 even comes out. Who happens to be BIG E who looks more oiled up than… I dunno… that Family Guy character. You know who I mean. Greased up deaf guy? Him. So watching this live, #30 was getting ready to come out. I couldn’t remember if anyone was left to come in that was announced. The fans were chanting YES beforehand. It GOTTA BE BRYAN, right? And then Rey comes out . And I remembered he was in it. Poor Rey gets absolutely BOOED OUT OF THE BUILDING because the fans were expecting Bryan. Gotta feel for poor Rey who was put in a lose lose situation. Didn’t matter who came out, the fact it wasn’t Bryan pissed off the fans to no end. And the fans just gave up on everything and everyone at this point. The WWE has once again IGNORED THEM and fucked them over. Could you imagine Austin not appearing in the 1998 RR match? Rock in 2000? How much fucking backlash would the company have gotten back then? So why on earth are they doing it to Bryan now? Guy is THE most over guy on the roster, and nobody even comes close, as popular as some guys are. Yet WWE are seemingly REFUSING TO PUSH HIM above the usual shit like Cena and Orton and HHH and Batista. Anyway, back to the match. Rey gets eliminated and the fans CHEER. Ambrose tries to sneak up behind REIGNS to eliminate him, but it doesn’t work, so Reigns eliminates Ambrose AND Rollins! And unfortunately that may spell the end of yet another team . Kane shows up again and eliminates Punk, then chokeslams him through a table, and the fans still don’t give a fuck because NO BRYAN. Didn’t help that Punk was a giant non factor throughout the match. He was barely doing ANYTHING. Final 3; Sheamus, Batista and ROMAN REIGNS. The fans are booing the SHIT out of this situation. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! chants like fucking crazy. Poor Sheamus. Returns, gets a huge pop, and then is put in a situation, like Rey, where he’s gonna get booed to hell. Batista is kinda the same but fucking deserves it. REIGNS ELIMINATES SHEAMUS and with that breaks Kane’s record with TWELVE eliminations in a single match. And the whole thing is just glossed over like it’s fucking nothing. Batista and Reigns left, and the fans know they aren’t getting Bryan, so they decide to fully support the awesomeness of REIGNS because in this situation who the fuck else can they cheer for? I said prior to the event that as much as I love Reigns and do believe he’s gonna be a HUGE star… he has no business winning the Rumble match this year. Then it came down to him and Batista and I was 100% behind the guy. at the horrendous spear attempt from Batista. Reigns shows him how it’s fucking DONE, BITCH. Then Batista eliminates Reigns and I’m sad and the fans shit all over the match once again and rightfully so. Batista can’t even stand up. Bullshit. However, outside of the DUMBEST FUCKING DECISON the company has made in some time… I really enjoyed this match. Right up until the finish, anyway . Disappointed we didn’t get JAKE ROBERTS though. But Reigns looked awesome throughout, SHEAMUS came back, El Torito was fun, Cesaro had some cool moments, plus a few other things. So overall I do think it was a very good Rumble. I just can’t believe the booking for the match and the whole show. ***3/4.