SummerSlam 2003 Ramblings

Posted on: June 15th, 2014 by Big Cal

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SummerSlam 2003

 

:lmao sign guy has a dart board sign with a picture of Vince’s face in the middle :p.

 

The Dudley Boys Vs La Resistance – World Tag Team Championship Match

Those damn Frenchies have the WORLD tag titles, so the Dudley Boys need to bring them back to AMERICA where they belong. Apparently. LOL.

:lmao at DUPREE using a BEARHUG on BUBBA RAY. Spike Dudley might as well try the same thing on Viscera.

Wow this was uneventful as fuck. Rob Conway was dressed as a camera man and costs the Dudley Boys the match.

Terrible opener lol.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs A-Train

UNDERTAKER~!

Sable joining A-Train for this match! HAIRY GUYS GET ALL THE PUSSY~!

Undertaker’s ribs have been fucked since Vengeance against Cena, and A-Train has been attacking them for weeks on Smackdown. Undertaker being one of the GOATs knows how to wrestle a match with an injury. Love something as basic as him getting A-Train into the corner but not following up with punches, instead backing off and going on the defence just in case the big man counters and traps HIM in the corner.

OLD SCHOOL~! A-Train is down!

Shot to the ribs by A-Train, and Undertaker is fucking PISSED. He runs towards the giant hairy beast who uses the Dead Man’s own momentum against him, sending him over the ropes!

Now it’s time for A-Train to really target those injured ribs.

I like how the commentators tell us that Sable is “with” A-Train because A-Train is helping out Vince McMahon. So basically, Vince is pimping out Sable. LOL. No wonder Lesnar left the company!!! 8*D

BIG BACK THROW~! No Tazz, it’s called a BACK SUPLEX. I thought you were the former wrestler who is there to call the moves that Cole is clueless about (so like, all of them).

PUNCHES~! Undertaker is making a comeback with some huge rights to the face of A-Train! APRON LEG DROP~!

LAST RIDE~! A-Train throws Undertaker into the referee. DE-RAILER! Undertaker kicks out!!!

UNDERTAKER KILLS THE REFEREE.

BYCYCLE KICK! UNDERTAKER IS OUT!

Referee is down so… steel chair of course! Undertaker boots it back into A-Train’s face! But the ref takes his time making a pin.

TOMBSTONE~! REVERSAL~! CHOKESLAM~! 3 COUNT!!! Not often we see a Chokeslam win a match lol, even in 2003!

Undertaker has won but he ain’t done! Goes for a Last Ride and Sable starts rubbing his chest. Which causes Undertaker to grab her by the throat, and hold her while STEPHANIE FAP FAP returns to get her some of Sable. Did STEPHANIE FAP FAP have a second boob job btw? Because I don’t remember them being THIS BIG in 2002 lol.

Good match. Undertaker rules as always, and A-Train is mostly a very underrated big man. He works the ribs well and they have a nice finishing stretch too.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Shane McMahon Vs Eric Bischoff

I don’t really understand this match/feud. It was basically KANE VS SHANE and somehow Bischoff ends up… there. LOL.

So, 2 non wrestlers having… a match. This isn’t even a No DQ or anything either I don’t think.

:lmao it is rather amusing watching Shane maul Bischoff. THIS IS FOR NEARLY PUTTING MY DADDY OUT OF BUSINESS YOU CUNT~!

THE COACH JUST TURNED HEEL! HE JUST DECKED SHANE WITH A CHAIR! OMG!

Bischoff makes the match No DQ and Falls Count Anywhere.

:lmao THE COACH JUST TURNED HEEL.

:lmao.

Seriously, of all the people to pick to help him, Bischoff went with THE COACH? :lmao

King and JR’s mic get shut off and COACH calls the match in the ring while holding Shane for Bischoff. LOL. This is TERRIBLE.

Shane makes a comeback, then being 2 on 1 gets taken down again so Austin shows up to even the odds. But Austin can’t attack anyone unless physically provoked. So Shane shoves COACH into Austin. And Austin kills him.

:lmao Shane and Austin REALLY kick the shit out of the poor guy. You know how when a couple of guys stomp on someone and it looks fake as shit… well not here :lmao. It’s like they WANT to hurt him for real.

Shane slaps Austin with Bischoff’s hand, and Austin stuns him. BUT BISCHOFF KICKS OUT!!! Awwww what a shame, that just means Shane has to kill him some more. Elbow table spot. BISCHOFF IS DEAD. SHANE WINS.

This match is… :lmao. It’s terrible but in the most hilarious way possible. THEY TURNED THE COACH HEEL :lmao. And in the end it didn’t even matter :lmao. Shane still wins :lmao.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Fuck me they are hyping up WRESTLEMANIA 20 already!

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Chris Benoit Vs Rhyno Vs Tajiri – United States Championship Match

Look at those participants. LOOK AT THAT FUCKING TALENT. FAP FAP FUCKING FAAAAAAAAAAAP.

:lmao Eddie turned on EVERYONE in this match at some point :p. Video showing him attacking them all on SD is GOAT. Levels his former best friend Benoit, then turns on his partner that night Rhyno, then is about to leave and figures “what the fuck” and decks his former partner Tajiri too :lmao.

But this isn’t just about EDDIE VS THE WORLD, because Benoit and Rhyno have some issues too. Rhyno GORED Benoit at vengeance allowing Eddie to win the US title.

EDDIE CHANTS~! The beginning of Eddie being the most popular wrestler probably on the PLANET lol.

FUCK ME. Benoit just charges at Rhyno with a running knee and smashes it right into his ribs and keeps on going until he smashes into the corner lol. DON’T FUCK WITH BENOIT.

:mark: Benoit and Tajiri interactions. Did they have a singles match… ever? Or at least around this time period? *looks* Just 2 on Raw in 2005. DO WANT.

LASSO FROM EL PASO~! Rhyno comes in to break it up, but gets caught by Benoit and put in a Crossface! :lmao at Eddie’s face as he realises that Rhyno could tap first and cost him the title!!! Awesome little sequence :mark:.

DOUBLE A SPINEBUSTER TO TAJIRI~! TAJIRI KICKS OUT~! :lmao Rhyno can be seen looking up and talking to himself. Probably saying “HOW DID THAT NOT WORK? FOR THE LOVE OF ARN HOW DID THAT NOT WORK?!?!”.

GORE TO EDDIE! BUT EDDIE HAD THE US TITLE BELT WITH HIM AND IT PROTECTED THE CHAMP!!! Ha, awesome.

Bugger me, THAT was a near fall. Headbutt to Rhyno while Tajiri is caught in a tree of woe, cover… then Tajiri manages to escape and flop over Benoit to break up the pin lol.

Rhyno is still out… FROG SPLASH~! EDDIE WINS! STILL THE CHAMP!

:mark: this rules in all kinds of ways. 4 super talented guys going at it. Exactly what you would expect.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Brock Lesnar Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match

:mark:

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND~!

So I’ve had this match at ***** for a LONG time. I last watched it around 3 years ago when I was putting together my top 100 WWF/E Matches list… and boy did it ever hold up. Which honestly surprised me a little, but it’s awesome when matches hold up even when I wasn’t sure it would. Can it hold its place as a ***** match this time around? I fucking hope so! :mark:

Backstory for those who don’t remember/didn’t watch at the time. Angle lost the WWE Title to Brock at WM. Angle went away for neck surgery. He returned as a babyface and he and Lesnar had a “competitive rivarly” type friendship. Triple threat at Vengeance with Big Show for the title, and Angle won it back. Vince McMahon gets involved, turns Brock heel and Brock claims that Angle stopped being his friend when he took away HIS WWE Title. So now Lesnar wants it back. Simples.

Early going sees some AMATEUR WRASSLING, with Brock trying to show Angle up, but Angle is a fecking GOLD MEDALIST and not even Brock can hang with him. So if mat wrestling ain’t gonna work, he gotta us that POWER.

But even the POWER doesn’t work too well as Angle uses his speed and keeps countering THE BEAST at every oppertunity, and Lesnar is fucked! Starts throwing shit around on the outside, then grabs the WWE Title and begins to leave with it, causing Angle to chase after him!

OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY :mark:. And the commentators ACTUALLY CALLED THE MOVE!!! Normally they call it a “throw” or simply a “belly to belly” and both are fucking wrong and dumb. MORONS.

PRESS SLAM OVER THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR~! Angle is dead or something.

OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY… AND LESNAR DOESN’T FALL DOWN AFTER DOING THE SUPLEX~! HOLY FUCK THAT ALWAYS LOOKS IMPRESSIVE AS HELL. :mark:

Man oh man, Angle running FULL SPEED into Lesnar and crashing into him was awesome, and made even more awesome when Lesnar barely fucking moved!!! Love how much it takes for Angle to FINALLY knock Lesnar down, only for Brock to give him an overhead belly to belly and fuck him up again.

ANGLE SLAM~! No, Lesnar reverses!

F-5~! No, Angle reverses!!!

ANGLE SLAM~! LESNAR KICKS OUT!!!

Well, if the Angle Slam didn’t work, then you gotta go for the ANKLE LOCK~! Lesnar holds on and manages to reverse it and send Angle head first into the referee!!!

:mark: Lesnar tries to hit a SPINEBUSTER on Angle, but Angle holds on to Lesnar’s waist and locks in a figure four on his NECK! Lesnar starts to fade, and once he gets on the mat, Angle switches to an Ankle Lock!!! Nice to see him going back to the hold the moment he got the chance rather than just throwing out a bunch of different submissions for the hell of it.

LESNAR TAPS~! But the referee is down!

STEEL CHAIR TO ANGLE~! VINCE MCMAHON JUST NAILED ANGLE WITH A STEEL CHAIR~!

ONE LEGGED F-5~! Awesome.

Angle kicks out, so Vince tells Lesnar to do it again.

COUNTER INTO THE ANKLE LOCK~! LESNAR GRABS THE ROPES 3 TIMES, BUT ANGLE DRAGS HIM BACK AND APPARENTLY IT DOESN’T BREAK THE HOLD LOL.

LESNAR TAPS OUT!!! LESNAR TAPS OUT!!! ANGLE RETAINS!!!

:mark:

So this still rules… BUT I don’t think it’s ***** any more :(. A little disappointing yes, but I still think it’s fucking tremendous, just not THAT tremendous lol.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Kane Vs Rob Van Dam – No Holds Barred

HOUSE ARREST DOES NOT PREVENT KANE FROM COMING TO WORK~!

What?

:lmao at the video package for this match. Mostly building Shane Vs Kane. Just like Shane Vs Bischoff match earlier :lmao.

Man, how fucking DARK AND EVIL was Kane when he first unmasked? Set JR on fire, put clamps on Shane’s balls and electrocuted them, and in the video package here we see him kidnap RVD, tie him up, pour gasoline over him and light a fucking match!

:lmao at some of the spots in this match. Kane doing his over the rope bump… BEFORE RVD quite gets to him with a running crossbody :p. And RVD setting a ladder up in the ropes, but before he can use it manages to get Kane down and goes for Rolling Thunder… but when he runs the ropes the ladder has gone :lmao. The fuck did it go? Oh, the ref moved it. Because he decided that RVD didn’t want it any more… despite getting it out and not having the chance to use it yet. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

THIS HIDEOUS, SMELLY MONSTER KANE~! You tell him, JR!!!

:lmao at RVD going for that kick off the ropes, but doing it from the second rope and barely hitting Kane because he wasn’t high enough. RVD WASN’T HIGH ENOUGH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE :lmao.

What? The ladder ISN’T made of chocolate? WHY AM I ONLY BEING TOLD THIS NOW, JIM? WHY?

Way to go, RVD. You just dropkicked Kane into the crowd. A PSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER WHO SETS PEOPLE ON FIRE. Right into the crowd. YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!

MORE RVD STUPIDITY~! Rolling Thunder to Kane using a chair. Except the chair is on TOP of Kane so it hurts RVD too. He does that shit far too often lol.

:lmao at JR not realising that Kane MOVED from the Van Terminator attempt.

TOMBSTONE ON THE STEEL STEPS~!

Thank fuck it’s done with. What a sloppy, shitty, spotty MESS.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton Vs Goldberg Vs Shawn Michaels Vs Kevin Nash Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Nash looks BADASS with his hair short and blonde/white lol. He lost a hair match to Jericho, as he needed to cut it for his upcoming part in the PUNISHER film (which is fucking awesome btw and hugely underrated. Get the extended version if you wanna check it out. Only the regular version was released outside of the US I think so I had to import it. Bluray versions anywhere are the regular version so fuck HD in this case)

Jericho and HBK to start things off!

Huge GOLDBERG chants, which confuse me because Ryback isn’t in this match 8*D.

It was only 3 minutes between entrances in this one, right?

Orton is next out, and he’s there to make sure HHH leaves with the belt!

:lmao Nash is next out and Orton BOTCHES GOING FACE FIRST INTO THE CHAMBER WALL :lmao. Seriously, Nash grabs his head, tries to throw him into the wall and Orton just falls down instead :lmao.

Everything before Nash came in was fine, nothing noteworthy as seen by the fact I wrote NOTHING lol, but fine nonetheless. However with BIG DADDY NASH in the match we can get someone coming in and crushing people, which is always cool to see in a match like this.

OMG NASH JUST ATTACKED SHAWN~!

SUPERKICK TO NASH~! Jericho falls into the cover and Nash is gone! LOLOLOL!!!

Next out is HHH! But before he can escape his pod, HBK superkicks him to hell! And it was pretty much just done because HHH is INJURED (tore his penis or something).

NASH gets up finally, and decides to Powerbomb everyone he sees! EVERYONE IS DOWN!

HBK tries to pin both Orton and Jericho, but they had too long to recover from the POWERBOMBS and nobody is eliminated. Gotta save some bodies for GOLDBERG after all!

Pretty fun punch spot with all 3 guys (HHH is still sleeping in his pod) just punching each other in the face in the middle of the ring.

GOLDBERG IS FREE~! EVERYONE GONNA FUCKING DIE NOW~!

Press Slam into a Spinebuster looks like it killed Orton. SPEAR just to make sure. Orton is DONE.

PRESS SLAM FROM INSIDE THE RING RIGHT INTO THE CHAIN WALL TO JERICHO~! Goldberg is mauling everyone :mark:.

SPEAR TO JERICHO THROUGH THE POD~!

That hurt Goldberg, allowing HBK to nail the elbow and the band begins to tune up and SPEAR~! JACKHAMMER~! HBK IS GONE~!

Poor Jericho, he’s recovered enough from the POD SPEAR to get back in the ring, and he ends up taking another SPEAR~! JACKHAMMER~! JERICHO IS GONE~!

And then there was one. HHH is the last man standing, and Goldberg is gonna kill him :mark:.

Flair closing the pod door and holding it shut, protecting HHH is pretty sweet. Then Goldberg just fucking KICKS AND PUNCHES his way through the pod :mark:. HHH about to get raped in the pod!!!

Even HEEL LAWLER is talking about how HHH WAS a great champion, basically saying he’s fucked and Goldberg is winning lol.

Goldberg sets up the SPEAR… and runs right into a fucking SLEDGEHAMMER SHOT!!! HHH pins him and retains the WHC :eek:.

Shocking finish to a SUPER FUCKING FUN match. I mean fuck me at the FUNNESS of this bad boy. Goldberg running through bitches in a confined space is just :mark:.

I do however have a problem with the finish. Goldberg was WHITE HOT at the time. HHH was INJURED. Goldberg would get the title a month later anyway. And yet they still decided to keep the belt with HHH. Didn’t make that much sense to me. Surely Goldberg beating FIVE guys in the chamber would have been a better way to win the belt rather than JUST beating HHH one on one, right? Goldberg could have won here, then they could have giving HHH his rematch for the next PPV, with HHH claiming that Goldberg can’t beat him one on one and without being inside the chamber or some shit, and stack the odds against the guy with EVOLUTION too and shit. Would have been fine. Instead HHH had to keep hold of the belt even though he was fucking INJURED and that kinda pisses me off tbh.

Oh well. Still uberfunawesome.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 17

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