Survivor Series 2003
“I’VE BEEN CHOSEN TO BURY THE UNDERTAKER ALIVE”
Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Bradshaw & Harcore Holly Vs Brock Lesnar, The Big Show, A-Train, Nathan Jones & Matt Morgan – Survivor Series Elimination Match
This one starts off as a giant brawl when Hardcore Holly jumps Lesnar and beats the fuck out of him, throws a referee to the ground and ends up getting DQ’d . Eliminated BEFORE THE MATCH EVEN BEGINS . HOW DOES THAT WORK?!?!
CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~! A-Train id DONE less than a minute later .
CHOKESLAM~! Bradshaw is eliminated… less than a minute later .
3 ELIMINATIONS IN ABOUT 2 MINUTES .
Cean just speared Lesnar’s KNEE .
Cena playing the FIP in a tag match. That ain’t something we see these days .
LESNAR AND BENOIT GETTING IT ON . I should re-watch their SD match again at some point. Just for the hell of it.
Man, how is a match with LESNAR AND SHOW dominating BENOIT boring? Amazed they managed it here…
Man, Morgan might suck but he takes a good German Suplex for a big guy lol.
Nathan Jones accidentally boots Morgan in the face and then FALLS OVER MORGAN
Morgan is eliminated with an Angle Slam.
ANKLE LOCK TO NATHAN JONES~! He taps out. He doesn’t want a broken ankle like he got a broken arm during an arm wrestling contest during a mid-90’s Worlds Strongest Man competition .
F-5 TO ANGLE RIGHT AFTER JONES GOT ELIMINATED~! ANGLE IS OUT!
CROSSFACE TO LESNAR~! LESNAR FUCKING TAPS!!!
Both team captains have been eliminated already lol. Big Show left alone to fight Cena and Benoit.
Cena makes a blind tag, decks Show with his chain, hits an F-U and wins.
This is… a clusterfucky mess. A bunch of quick eliminations, boring control segment followed by more quick eliminations. LOL. WHO THE FUCK BOOKED THIS SHIT?
CAL SCALE – 0
Vince randomly visits Shane backstage and says he feels like he’s being protected by a higher power. Then he meets Austin in a hallway and they both burst out laughing at each other before Austin looks mad. And then leaves. I see why the opener had so many quick eliminations. We needed time for this…
Lita Vs Molly Holly – Women’s Championship Match
FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.
Also, no thanks.
CAL SCALE – -1
Shane McMahon Vs Kane – Ambulance Match
Shane launches himself at Kane, with both going over the ropes and holy FUCK it looks like Kane doesn’t bend, instead stays stiff and falls over the ropes and lands on his head .
STEEL STEPS ON KANE’S FACE~! STEEL CHAIR TO STEEL STEPS~! TV MONITOR TO KANE’S HEAD~!
Is this match rushed for time too lol? First couple minutes we see Kane land on his head, get attacked by steps and a chair, tv monitor to his head a few times and then a giant elbow drop through a fucking table .
Kane SITS UP from all that and… Shane runs away? Kane follows and they end up backstage somewhere and Shane manages to sneak up from behind and attacks Kane with a Kendo Stick…
then Shane gets in a car, HITS KANE AND SEND HIM THROUGH SOME RANDOM SECURITY BOOTH . That was the most hilarious thing EVER.
Shane calls for the ambulance from the… walkie talkie he randomly has… and KANE NO SELLS EVERYTHING STILL .
another camera dies.
Shane goes head first into the Ambulance and cracks the windscreen with the back of his head… and NO SELLS IT .
Kane is selling a shot to the face from an Ambulance door more than BEING RUN OVER AND THROWN THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW .
after EVERYTHING Shane has done to Kane so far… he realises it wasn’t enough so… he brings out the dreaded TIN FOIL GARBAGE CAN .
Awesome bump from Shane diving off the Ambulance and landing on… a cardboard box, smashing the tin foil can in Kane’s face.
again Kane sells THAT more than BEING RUN OVER AND KNOCKED THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW .
HUGE “Shane O Mac” chant as Kane lobs Shane into the side of the Ambulance over and over again.
TOMBSTONE ON THE FLOOR. And this is finally fucking over.
Fuck me what a shitty fucking piece of shit this match is . SPOT! NO SELL! SPOT! NO SELL! SPOT! NO SELL! SPOT! NO SELL!
CAL SCALE – 0
Coach comes out and does something or something. I dunno. I skipped it.
Evolution backstage. Orton runs in and sounds like he has BIG NEWS… but gets distracted by all the hot women in the room. 2 of them pinch his nipples .
The Basham Brothers Vs Los Guerreros – WWE Tag Team Championship Match
Urgh, that damn shemale is out with the Bashams.
Thankfully EDDIE is involved in this match. Hopefully he can drag 3 talentless fucks to something watchable.
So EDDIE takes care of BOTH Bashams all on his own early on, until that moron Chavo accidentally distracts the ref and allows the Bashams to double team Eddie. Fucks sake Chavo, piss off already…
Hot tag to Chavo quicker than I would have liked, and Chavo runs in with dropkicks and attempts some EDDIE offence but fails miserably . Then he gets fucks up and EDDIE has to save his arse.
they do a “switch” with Doug and Danny, but the guy that came in gets IMMEDIATELY kicked out of the ring anyway, making the whole thing pointless . Then EDDIE frog splashes the shemale and Chavo spanks him because Chavo likes shemales.
Roll up and Chavo gets pinned because he’s useless.
Fuck me this was horrible outside of EDDIE . Bashams were awful, Chavo was awful, the shemale was awful.
CAL SCALE – 0
Shawn Michaels, Booker T, RVD & The Dudley Boys Vs Mark Henry, Randy Orton, Christian, Chris Jericho & Scott Steiner – If Team Austin wins, he can beat people up any time he wants. If Team Bischoff wins, Austin is fired
Finally, a match on this show that I already know doesn’t outright SUCK. I always thought it was overrated, but still considered it to be great. As long as it holds up I’ll be happy. And who knows, maybe I’ll like it more this time around.
Team Austin bounces around a couple of Team Bischoff guys to start things off, then STEINER gets in against RVD who starts throwing kicks at BIG POPPA PUMP, and Scotty is all “fuck this shit, SUPLEX”. Very nearly eliminated RVD with a super overhead belly to belly .
Bah, Booker T gets a tag. Ha, he runs into a clothesline from STEINER.
Booker with an AXE KICK to Scotty, then the rest of Team Bischoff enter the ring and get mauled by Booker T’s shitty offence before Team Austin piles in for a BRAWL~!
LOW BLOW~! STEINER RECLINER~! FAP FAP STACY ON THE APRON BOUNCING AROUND CHEERING FOR BOOKER T EVEN THOUGH SHE’S STEINER’S MANAGER OR SOMETHING~! Dudley’s save her (ha, she used to manage them) with that reverse 3-D type move that fucks me off because any time they do it the retarded fans in the audience scream “THREEE DEEEEE!” at it even though it’s clearly NOT A FUCKING THREE DEE YOU PRICKS.
Steiner gets eliminated by Booker, then he turned right around into a WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM . Henry takes care of the Book Man!!! Now it’s time for HENRY TO FUCKING DOMINATE .
FUCKING HENRY, MAN. Dudley’s try to double team him and he just FUCKS THEM BOTH UP instead!!!
Man, when HENRY is on, he’s the fucking MAN.
3-D to Henry. 5 Star Frog Splah. Dudley’s and RVD pile on and manage to get a 3 count on Henry . BOOOOOOOOOO. At least he looked fucking STRONG in defeat lol. 2 finishers and 3 men to pin him. Wish he’d stuck around though.
Sweet jebus at that clothesline from Orton to RVD. Watching old Orton stuff makes me sad to see how far he’s gone down over the last 5 or so years . His clotheslines went from being epic to being the most robotic shit ever.
RKO~! RVD IS GONE!!! YEY!!!
LOL Devon gets eliminated from a… uhhh.. neckbreaker thingy or something .
HBK TAGGED INTO THE MATCH FOR THE FIRST TIME!
at Sign Guy…
Bubba gets a low blow and the UNPRETTIER and is pinned while HBK stands on the apron doing fuck all. BREAK UP THE PIN YOU DUMB FUCK!!!
Now HBK is all alone with 3 opponents left. Serves him right.
Lots of “distract the ref while the other 2 team up on HBK” stuff going on, and at one point Christian sends Shawn head first into the ring post and HBK is GUSHING.
Christian tries to go to work on a bloodied HBK and… gets superkicked in the face . Christian is gone .
Shawn is getting beat down by the remaining 2 men from Team Bischoff, but he won’t stay down! He keeps fighting back and getting some offence in, then counters a Walls of Jericho into a roll up and eliminated Y2J!!!
Orton and HBK are the final 2, but before Jericho leaves, he smashes a steel chair over the head of Shawn!!!
MASSIVE crossbody from Orton, but Shawn moves and the poor referee gets DESTROYED. Shawn slowly pulls himself up with the help of the ropes, and begins to tune up the band!!!
He moves in for the kill and BISCHOFF kicks him!!! Austin has had enough, he takes out Bischoff and nails Orton with a Stunner!!! He fights Bischoff up the entrance ramp, meanwhile BATISTA shows up, Batista Bombs HBK and Orton gets the win! Austin is FIRED!!!
Great match still, so it definitely held up, but I do think it does get overrated, especially HBK’s performance at the end. Yeah, he did a good job selling the effects of being busted open and being in a 3 on 1 situation, but honestly I don’t think it’s anything THAT special. Shawn himself has done a better job, and honestly there wasn’t THAT much time from when HBK gets busted open to when the match ends, especially considering he has THREE opponents left to go through. He was CONSTANTLY fighting back and was never really in THAT much danger. I probably would have liked this more had Christian, Jericho and Orton really got a control segment over Shawn.
Also, HENRY should have been one of the last guys to be eliminated. A bloodied HBK having to take out HENRY? That would have made this thing AWESOME.
CAL SCALE – 4
The Undertaker Vs Vince McMahon – Buried Alive Match
Vince stands toe to toe with Undertaker, with a huge grin on his face as he believes a HIGHER POWER is watching over him. So Undertaker punches him in the face, and Vince is fucking BLEEDING after about 4 shots!!!
Undertaker is destroying, mauling, MURDERING Vince McMahon on live PPV . Multiple shots to the head, smashing his balls into the ring post a few times and choking him out with some cable. Vince McMahon is paying for his sins.
@ Undertaker punching Vince in the face… with a tv monitor!!! “WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED” .
Seems Undertaker is bored with the weapons and ringside, and heads up to the grave site to bring back a fucking SHOVEL!!! RIGHT TO THE FUCKING FACE~!
STEEL STEPS TO THE ANKLE~! Throwback to 1998?
Undertaker picks up Vince McMahon and carries him over to the grave, where Vince manages to throw dirt in the Dead Man’s eyes and land a low blow! SHOVEL TO UNDERTAKER! UNDERTAKER FELL IN THE GRAVE!!!
But Undertaker is basically fresh and can recover quick enough, and throws VINCE in the grave! He heads to the digger to try and empty the dirt over Vince and… FIREBALL!!!
THAT’S GOTTA BE… THAT’S GOTTA BE KANE!! KANE PUTS UNDERTAKER IN THE GRAVE, VINCE HEADS TO THE DIGGER AND THE DIRT DROPS, COVERING UNDERTAKER ENTIRELY!!!
THE UNDERTAKER HAS JUST BEEN BURIED ALIVE!!! VINCE WINS!!!
So this ruled more than I used to think. Undertaker destroying Vince is soooo much fun.
CAL SCALE – 2
Goldberg Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship Match
A MAN GETTING BURIED ALIVE DOESN’T EVEN MAIN EVENT THIS SHOW .
HHH put a “hit” out on Goldberg. Batista “shattered” his ankle. Luckily HHH is still suffering from that torn penis so that just evens shit up .
Goldberg goes after BOTH HHH and Flair before the bell even rings and lands a SPEAR on HHH!!! The bell finally rings and Goldberg continues to kill HHH on the outside.
Goldberg has an injured ANKLE… so HHH targets… the knee . Then Flair actually gets some shots in on the ANKLE and HHH must have seen it because he finally targets THE CORRECT PART of the body .
So HHH stomps at Goldberg’s ankle, Goldberg tries a power move to do a comeback, HHH goes back after the ankle, rinse and repeat until the REF BUMP where the Sledgehammer, brass knucks and Evolution all get involved.
Goldberg takes care of Evolution, then throws away the Sledgehammer and SPEARS HHH, followed by the Jackhammer and this is over, thankfully. GOOD GOD ALMIGHT WHO’S YOUR DADDY TONIGHT?
Dull and shitty. And this main evented OVER A MAN GETTING BURIED ALIVE? Fuck this company.
CAL SCALE – 0
Overall CAL SCALE – 5