ONE. MORE. MATCH. ONE. MORE. MATCH. ONE. MORE. MATCH.
Chris Jericho Vs Shelton Benjamin – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
It’s the rematch from Taboo Tuesday!!!
Fun start to this one as they do the whole “2 babyfaces being athletic” shtick. At least… I think Jericho is the babyface. Then it really picks up when Shelton tries to hit a sunset powerbomb from the apron to the floor, only to get countered into a hurricanrana!
From there Jericho definitely goes HEEL~! on us, calling Benjamin a bitch, smashing him onto the exposed barricade and posing the crowd like a douche. Commentators confirm that they ARE both faces here (not in those terms of course, this ain’t Russo era Nitro…). But as the veteran, Jericho knows he can’t be nice all the time during a match especially with the IC title on the line. He wants the GOLD, not the fans love.
JERICHO WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT BY SHELTON~! The act was attempting to springboard off the ropes though. Not sex. That we know of. Maybe he did. Not like the commentators would know. Moving on…
Remember when Shelton turned heel? And didn’t have his MAMMA with him? His entire gimmick was him wearing sunglasses and an open shirt .
Very back and forth style match here, usually having Benjamin using his crazy athleticism to gain the advantage while Jericho uses his veteran instincts to counter Benjamin or anger him enough to make a mistake.
STINGER SPLASH~! LOL IT MISSED~! So apparently STING is appearing on WWE TV tonight (when I’m writing this, duh. 14/07/2014 is the date. Or 07/14/2014 if you live in one of those backward places ).
T-BONE~! Jericho is too near the ropes and easily gets his foot on the bottom rope to break the count despite the fact both his legs were under the ropes the entire time AND Shelton was under the ropes too. Stupid fucking referee.
awesome counter from Jericho who avoided that spinning kick thingy Shelton does, turning it right into the Walls of Jericho! And this time Shelton grabs the ropes.
Loving Jericho channelling his HEELNESS for the match. All about the GOLD baby. Arguing with the referee on 2 counts, kicking Shelton when he’s down (literally), calling Shelton a bitch, and refusing to let go of the Walls even when Shelton gets into the ropes.
Utterly crazy (in a great way) sequence of roll up attempts for the finish with Shelton finally being able to lock a pin on Jericho and getting the win!
Super fun match. Really good. Both guys played their roles really well, especially Jericho taking on the role of a heel so we didn’t get a generic baby face vs baby face match. Shelton has far too much athleticism. It’s not normal. He should give me some of it.
CAL SCALE – 3
The Heart Throbs Vs William Regal & Tajiri Vs Maven & Simon Dean Vs La Resistance Vs The Hurricane & Rosey – World Tag Team Championship Tag Team Turmoil Match
The Heart Throbs . Forgot they existed. Originally the Heartbreakers but had to change their name because of Shawn Michael’s nickname. They obviously didn’t want anyone thinking they were associated with HBK .
Regal & Tajiri are the tag champs coming into this match, and in order to retain their belts they must last the entire match! I genuinely don’t remember who wins this so I’m hoping for the champs to retain so we get REGAL AND TAJIRI the entire match.
TAJIRI KICKS~! God we need those the entire match. One of the HT’s break up a pin and Tajiri fucking chases him down and kicks him repeatedly until his partner saves him .
Did the Heart Throbs and THE DICKS ever have a match? Were they even around at the same time?
YES. Tajiri pins one of the HT’s.
I need to lose some weight. Fuck DDP Yoga, I need to get myself on the SIMON SYSTEM!
Poor Tajiri is fucked, but finally gets the hot tag to Regal who MAULS Dean and Maven. KNEE TREMBLER~!
The French dudes waste no time double teaming Regal (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVES) to try and finish him off (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVES) before Tajiri can recover from his double team earlier (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVES).
Tajiri doesn’t stay down for long, and those KICKS make an appearance sooner than I was expecting so YEY .
Not it’s time for REGAL to be the FIP so Tajiri can fully recover on the apron. It doesn’t last too long because Regal is a fucking BOSS and beats the shit out of anyone he gets near.
THOSE DAMN FRENCHIES STEAL A WIN! Regal is pinned with his trunks half way up his arse! This means we are guaranteed NEW tag champs. And also means no more Regal and Tajiri .
OUCH. Fucking OUCH. Hurricane takes a bump over the turnbuckle but his leg catches on the post and fuck me, that HAD to have hurt.
WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM BY ROSEY~! Not just the French that are stealing shit in this match!
Double team move and we have NEW tag team champions… THE HURRICANE AND ROSEY!
Match is fun, but because of the format of the Turmoil match, none of the matches really get enough time to develop into anything that good. None of the pairings were bad, just none stick out.
CAL SCALE – 1
Chris Benoit Vs Edge – Last Man Standing Match
A sign in the crowd saying “Benoit going over the Edge”. Kinda has a different meaning today…
Benoit is out to HURT Edge and wastes no time with fancy wrestling, instead he takes Edge down and punches him in the fucking face. I wish I could punch Edge in the face. God he was so fucking annoying, useless and stale from like half way through 06 up until he retired.
They end up brawling in the crowd at one point and I have no idea what they are doing because all the camera shows is a bunch of fans screaming and waving the moment the camera gets near to them .
SHARPSHOOTER BY BENOIT~! EARL HEBNER IS THE REFEREE~! EDGE TAPS OUTS~! I JUST REMEMBERED THIS IS A LAST MAN STANDING MATCH~! DAMN~! LOL~!
SUICIDE DIVE INTO A TRASH CAN LID~! Not quite as impactful as the Steel Chair version, but the sound was AWESOME.
SUPERPLEX ONTO A TRASH CAN~! Benoit is convulsing.
Plenty of HATE~! from both men, which is exactly what was needed. I actually really liked Edge during this time. He was a pretty great heel and was a pretty good brawler in his own right too. Shame things went downhill for him basically when he lost the WWE Title after 2 weeks.
GERMAN SUPLEX OF THE FUCKING LADDER. I actually don’t seem to recall that happening before. Or since, actually. Damn, the normal German Benoit hits right afterwards actually looked BETTER .
Missed Diving Headbutt is actually a little difficult to watch as you see him roll around in pain and you know what he’d end up doing in 07.
CROSSFACE~! Edge is tapping out AGAIN but it don’t matter. Benoit keeps it locked in until Edge passes out.
Edge manages to get up, and Benoit goes back on the attack but gets caught with a DDT on the MITB briefcase! Benoit gets up! SPEAR! Benoit gets up AGAIN! Edge cannot believe it! SPEAR! Holy shit Benoit is STILL getting up!
Benoit is refusing to give up here, and Edge has to resort to using a fucking BRICK that he was carrying in the briefcase! Benoit is done.
Really good LMS match that I think tends to get forgotten by a lot of people these days, which is a shame because it’s better than like 70% of the matches people remember. They beat the absolute shit out of each other and don’t have to resort to a million big spots through tables and off the stage etc. The big spots here involve suplexes and a BRICK. And they are better than the shite we tend to get these days.
CAL SCALE – 3
Lita backstage talking to Kane, saying how she almost wants Viscera to win tonight so Trish has to have sex with him .
Lawler brings out a bunch of the diva sluts to promote the new diva magazine. he almost doesn’t recognise Victoria . Chris Masters interrupts.
Time for a $3000 Master Lock Challenge! He picks a women. With muscles. Masters takes the piss and claims she could easily be a man. Which is true. She does kinda look like a man. She doesn’t break the Master Lock. Shocking.
Viscera has a slutty red dress for Trish to wear when he fucks her after he beats Kane .
Kane Vs Viscera
kidding. I’m totally watching this .
FAP FAP LITA AND FAP FAP TRISH are at ringside.
Viscera returning to WWE at this time was awesome for me as a fan. Always liked him, even if, you know, he’s never really had many great matches . Just one of those guys that I loved as a kid because he was so HUGE and larger than life, and it carried over to me as an adult. NOSTALGIA and all that shizniz.
BIG BEEFIE BASTARDS HITTING EACH OTHER. That about sums this match up . BUT they also show off their athleticism too. Kane with a clothesline off the ropes to the FLOOR, and Viscera with that wheel kick. Always amazes me when I see him do that. How the FUCK does someone THAT BIG do that? I probably couldn’t do that.
Viscera shoves Lita down, even though she’s injured and got a crutch! You bastard! I hate you! Ha, Kane smashes his face into the ring post a few times. TAKE THAT!
CRUTCH TO A STEEL CHAIR SENDING IT RIGHT INTO TRISH’S FACE!!!
Viscera brings Lita into the ring and tries to tongue her. He gets a big boot for his trouble. LOL.
CHOKESLAM TO VISCERA~! Kane wins, and poor Viscera doesn’t get to fuck Trish.
Super fun big man battle. Genuinely good match.
Trish gets in Viscera’s face (not in the way he wanted), so he gives her a BEAR HUG and rag dolls her around. Then he follows it up with a BIG SPLASH. Aaaaand Trish is dead. Viscera just turned face too I think .
WORLD’S LARGEST LOVE MACHINE on his way!
CAL SCALE – 2
Shawn Michaels & Hulk Hogan Vs Muhammad Hassan & Daivari
ONE. MORE. MATCH. ONE. MORE. MATCH. The words I can honestly say have never come out of my mouth when it comes to Hogan. Unless it’s “I hope to fucking jebus we never get one more match from Hogan”.
Hogan and Shawn start off strong, even hitting a double big boot on Hussan.
Hogan grabs a Hulk Hogan hat from a fan in the front row and puts it on Daivari, then punches him in the face. Ummm… does that mean Hogan hates his fans and wanted to punch the dude in the face? .
HUSSAN HITS SHAWN WITH A PIPE~!
Hussan and Daivari work over Shawn and… its dull because they both suck. Best thing about the match at this point is Hogan working the apron and constantly trying to come into the ring to save HBK.
Shawn, with his bad back history, who got hit in the back with a pipe during this match, and had two guys work over his back… just lifted Hussan on his shoulders out of the Camel Clutch and hit an electric chair.
Well, Hogan out does Shawn by getting hit with the pipe in the back and then Hulking up right after .
SUPER KICK~! Hogan pins Daivari. Shawn hit the super kick btw, not Hogan .
This was… a match. With 4 guys in it. And a pin at the end.
It sucked . Hogan’s apron work was seriously the best part.
Then this happens:
CAL SCALE – 0
Christian . He doesn’t have a match tonight though . Maybe he wrestled on Heat. Which sucks because he’s PPV quality. At least he gets to come out for PROMO TIME. He’s going to RAP .
ON RAW, YOU’VE GOT BATISTA, WITH MUSCLES TO SPARE.
BUT HE’S GOT CHARISMA, LIKE TOMKO’S GOT HAIR.
YOU’VE GOT TRIPLE H & RIC FLAIR, THEIR LEGEND STILL GROWS.
26 TITLES BETWEEN THEM, AND THE WORLD’S BIGGEST NOSE.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT JBL? YOU KNOW THE RICH GUY ON SMACKDOWN.
I HEARD HIS TAXES ARE STILL SOARING, BUT HE’S NO WRESTLING GOD, HE’S THE GOD OF BORING.
Yeah I’m bored of writing that out now .
Batista Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship match
So this match is all about the PEDIGREE. HHH claims Batista FEARS it, and knows that if HHH hits it in the match, his title reign is OVER.
A slight distraction from Flair on the outside, and HHH runs right at Batista to start this thing off! 2 Pedigree attempts and Batista escapes with fear in his eyes and HHH just smiles. Then Batista fires back by attempting a Batista Bomb and HHH is the one to back away in fear! Nice little story for this match and so far they are executing it well .
HHH keeps trying to land the Pedigree, but on a 3rd attempt Batista just POWERS HHH up and over the ropes to the floor, so HHH needs to change up his game plan. SPINEBUSTER INTO THE BARRICADE~! SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR~! And now HHH begins to take the power away from the WHC and work on the back! Smart stuff!
The back work already pays off early as Batista catches a small break and attempts the Batista Bomb again, but he simply cannot lift The Game up!
HHH is doing nothing fancy here. Elbows to the back. Smashing his shoulder into the back. Strong Irish Whip into the corner. Simple stuff, but it all looks great and Batista is actually selling the back really fucking well too. More often than not it’s the simple shit that makes matches good, and so far this is proof of that.
Dammit. Batista starts to build momentum, and as he does, he basically fucking ignores the back work. His entire selling of it involves him holding his back for a second after throwing HHH into the ring steps. Fucks sake Batista, this match was going so well until you FUCKED IT UP.
Now Batista is making it worse by doing things like a fucking powerslam. SELL. THE. BACK. YOU. FUCK.
Batista easily picks HHH up for the Batista Bomb (because you know, it’s easier to do now after his back has been destroyed the entire match…), but HHH had the WHC in his hands and smashes it right in the face of the champ!!!
Pedigree attempt and oh look Batista POWERS OUT OF IT. Because his injured back makes him stronger…
HHH HAS THE MATCH WON BUT THE REFEREE IS DEAD~!
Flair throws the referee back in but he’s still dead . You’d think that for such an important match they’d have backup referees ready to come out just in case. Instead we get another referee showing up 2 minutes later still putting his referee shirt on because he wasn’t prepared .
SPINEBUSTER~! Batista is still able to hit these big power moves because NO SELLING~!
LOW BLOW TO THE REFEREE . HHH obviously thinks he’s about to lose. And he is.
LOW BLOW TO BATISTA~!
Batista steals Undertaker’s Last Ride spot by hitting the Batista Bomb out of the corner, and this is over. Batista retains.
*sigh* this was on its way to being fucking GREAT. And then Batista decided that selling is for losers and killed it. Shame.
CAL SCALE – 2
Overall CAL SCALE – 11