DEATH CONQUERS ALL.
WWE ARMAGEDDON. TONIGHT FEATURING THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND; HELL IN A CELL. LIVE FROM THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CENTER .
JBL Vs Matt Hardy
So this match is happening because… JBL interrupted a promo from Matt Hardy on Smackdown. Guess creative were on holiday… for about a decade.
Fucking FIGHT right here . Matt gets caught neck first in the ropes and JBL goes to fucking town on his head with punches and kicks, then pulls on his legs to choke the fuck out of him!!!
So did Matt do something wrong? Because JBL looks like he’s trying to fucking MURDER him lol. Was he (Matt) the guy that refused to get beat up by Undertaker at SVS when the SD roster came out to celebrate with Orton, because he was supposed to get a push soon after and didn’t want to look weak? Or was that someone else? Or did I just invent the entire situation in my head? My head is a crazy place though, if I made it up it would have involved some kind of dragon probably. I dunno. JBL IS KICKING MATT IN THE FUCKING HEAD MULTIPLE TIMES.
CLOTHESLINE FROM FUCKING HELL. This is over. Absolute SQUASH of Matt. Great to watch but seems like poor booking, especially considering how OVER Matt was thanks to the whole Edge/Lita shit.
CAL SCALE – 1
Video package showing how Melina whored herself out to Batista in hopes of him not competing against MNM for the tag titles. Batista fucked her but said no deal .
Backstage Melina is getting ready and the Mexicools show up, saying they’ll cancel the match with MNM tonight if she does for them what she did for Batista .
MNM Vs The Mexicools
Melina looks FAP.
You know that spot where one guy tries to take a run up then jumps over the ropes to the outside, but the referee stops him? Then the referee leans over the second rope to tell the guys on the floor to get back into the ring, and the guy in the ring runs the ropes and uses the referee to launch himself? Well Super Crazy did that while the referee was STANDING UP.
MNM just can’t seem to get going here. They get a few moments of control, then the Mexicools throw out some crazy move and MNM end up back to where they started.
The great team work of MNM is what finally turns the tide for them. They isolate Psicosis and use all the tricks in the book to prevent a tag, and that’s one of my favourite things that MNM used to do . The Dudley Boys went down to OVW to help out MNM to groom them as the next big tag feud which was supposed to happen after the ECW One Night Stand PPV. Instead Johhny Ace apparently fucked them over and they got released, so we never got MNM Vs The Dudley’s, and dammit that just makes me sad .
Mexicools do their best, and look to perhaps have the former tag champ’s number here tonight, but again it’s the superior team work that comes into play, and MNM gain the victory! Melina continues to look SMOKING FAP FAP HOT.
CAL SCALE – 2
Chris Benoit Vs Booker T – Best of 7 Series for the WWE United States Championship – Match 4
Booker T needs to win this match and he’s got a clean sweep over Benoit. Got told by a number of people I should absolutely 100% watch this match. Tough shit! . I just don’t like their chemistry together. Never enjoyed their stuff. Can’t stand Booker T. Not watching.
CAL SCALE – -1
Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon come out to introduce Santa and his elf. They end up being Vito and Nunzio are handing out coal and keeping the sweets for themselves. Boogeyman comes out to beat them up.
Bobby Lashley Vs William Regal & Paul Burchill
Lashley has his fun early on, even bringing Regal unto the ring so he can beat both guys up at once. However, since both Regal and Burchill are English, they are naturally evil too, and they cheat to gain the advantage!
They really go to town on Lashley’s back. Some sick knees from Burchill including one from the top rope!
Doesn’t take long for Lashley to power his way through both guys and pick up the win. Pretty fun for the time it gets though.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Tim White suicide segment! WHO THOUGHT THESE WERE A GOOD IDEA?!!?
Juventud Guerrera Vs Kid Kash – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Juvi seems to be pissed at Kash early on but I have no idea why lol. Oh well. Juvi is throwing some pretty sweet punches to the face so I don’t really care if there is a reason .
Booooring. Since match is them going through the motions for 90% of it. Even the “big spot” off the top rope looks so contrived I didn’t give a fuck about it.
They do a bunch of flse finishers and even the fans are more like “isn’t this over yet?” rather than “OMG HE KICKED OUT THIS IS STILL GOING!”. Kash kicks out of the Juvi Driver and the fans barely care . This might be the blandest finishing stretch I’ve seen in a while.
Brainbuster. New champ.
CAL SCALE – 0
Batista & Rey Mysterio Vs The Big Show & Kane
Smackdown Vs Raw, Tag Champs Vs Tag Champs!
So I was watching some shoot interview recently, might have been the Trevor Murdoch one, and he mentioned that Big Show hated tagging with Kane. Anyone know anything about this? Do they not get along, or is it something else?
Rey has 619 painted on his chin . Looks DUMB AS FUCK .
Batista tries to match power with Big Show and fails… so he decides “fuck it, amma punch you in the FACE” and he does .
Kane comes in, and gets thrown off the ropes by Batista, then Rey tags in and hits 2 of the WORST legdrops ever. For a guy known for his high flying, he BARELY gets off the ground for them .
Batista and Rey CHEAT to almost finish off Kane, so Big Show returns the favour and takes out Rey. Serves them right tbh!
Big Show rules. He grabs Rey out of the corner, then walks him over to Batista and teases letting him get the tag, only to kick Batista’s hand instead and laugh at him .
Show makes the mistake of knocking Batista off the apron, and Batista is all “fuck it, amma kill everything” and he does .
Then Kane chokeslam’s Rey for the win .
Match honestly was too short for my liking. Didn’t feel as “big” as I think it should have been. A bit disappointing. What they did was actually good, but definitely felt rushed.
CAL SCALE – 1
The Undertaker Vs Randy Orton – Hell in a Cell Match
MAIN EVENT TIME .
“He holds the fate, in the palm of the Undertaker, in his hands” VINTAGE MICHAEL COLE~!
Undertaker slams the door shut, and the referee is actually TERRIFIED to get close to it to lock it. AND HE’S ON THE OUTSIDE .
Orton is desperate to keep this match in the ring and keep it a WRESTLING match, in hopes of repeating the success he had at SummerSlam. However Undertaker is just UNSTOPPABLE early on, dominating Orton regardless of the cell being used as a weapon or not.
Once Undertaker is in firm control, the BEATING can commence. STEEL CHAIR TO THE HEAD. TWICE. Orton is bleeding and completely out on his feet. The Dead Man rubs his face into the side of the cage right in front of Daddy Orton. Note to self: Don’t set Undertaker on fire in a casket.
Randy manages to grab a chain, but he’s too fucked to use it. Instead, Undertaker grabs it and chokes out the Legend Killer! Man, Orton is taking one hell of a fucking beating here. He’s just getting MAULED and it’s fucking awesome.
There’s a great moment when Orton is on the floor and holds his head after going face first into the cage, and sees the blood all over he hands. From there he goes fucking nuts and manages to actually mount some offence… until Undertaker kicks the steel steps right back into him. Orton is going to need more than the sight of his own blood to motivate him tonight.
One opportunity. That’s all he needed. Bob talks trash to Undertaker. Undertaker turns to look at him. Turns back, and Orton jumps up, lands an RKO dropping Undertaker neck first on the ropes, and that gives him a chance to rest and FINALLY dish out some punishment to the man who has been murdering him for the last 10 minutes.
UNDERTAKER JUST JUMP OFF THE STEEL STEPS AND KNEED ORTON IN THE FUCKING FACE . I always remember the signal cutting out at that VERY MOMENT while watching live so we didn’t get to see the move fucking happen.
BOB ORTON again comes into play, grabbing Undertaker’s hair through the cell and holding him for Randy! In the end is results in poor old Bob getting busted open too.
POWERSLAM INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE~! Undertaker looked to be going for that running knee again, but Orton countered and powerslammed the Dead Man right into the cage!!!
Why are there rope breaks in a HIAC match? Doesn’t take away from the match but… seems kinda stupid .
LOW BLOW WITH A STEEL CHAIN~! Good job Undertaker already has kids… .
Absolutely crazy crossbody off the ropes to Undertaker through a table! The table cracks but doesn’t quite break, instead falls over which makes for an awkward looking landing for both men, Orton especially.
Hmmm… Orton has Undertaker in the corner. Mounts him for 10 punches. What could possibly happen here?
LAST RIDE~! Orton escapes! Thankfully. He’s wrestled Undertaker enough this year to see that coming and counter it, just like he did at No Mercy too.
CHOKESLAM INTO AN RKO~!
BOB ORTON SNEAKS INTO THE CELL WHILE ANOTHER REFEREE COMES IN~!
MASSIVE Last Ride. Fuck me, that might be up there as one of the best. Some serious fucking height despite the fact there is a roof above them, and Orton crashes down to the mat.
Bob breaks up the pin, so Undertaker beats the shit out of him, and Bob bleeds on him, which pisses Undertaker off to no end because it turns out Bob has Hepatitis and didn’t tell anyone.
TOMBSTONE~! ORTON COUNTERS AND HITS A TOMBSTONE OF HIS OWN!!! He’s tried that at WM and SS and failed, but now, finally, in their last match he HITS IT!
1…2… UNDERTAKER IS ABOUT TO LOSE TO HIS OWN MOVE… KICK OUT!!!
Undertaker keeps sitting up, and Orton keeps punching him in the face until he can’t sit up no longer. Undertaker plays mind games with Orton though, pretending he can’t get up, and as Orton takes the time to be cocky and pose, Undertaker grabs him by the throat!!!
CHOKESLAM TO BOB~!
TOMBSTONE TO RANDY~!
The Undertaker wins.
Match is fucking superb. Absolutely BRUTAL Hell in a Cell match, up there with the absolute best. Both men take a ton of punishment, but Randy takes one hell of a fucking beating. Great way to end their feud.
CAL SCALE – 7
Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5