Hell is upon us. Or rather me. Cos this is probably gonna suck. Don’t remember a single match on the card.
Matt Hardy Vs Vladimir Kozlov
Seriously? Of all the fucking people who could face Hardy on PPV… they picked KOZLOV? I guess at least it isn’t a title match… but seriously? Henry. Finlay. Swagger. Hell even Dreamer. But nah, let’s have Matt and Kozlov instead. You know, that big guy that hasn’t had a single good match yet. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY FAIL??!
Poor Matt. He actually looks terrible early on when he’s throwing punches and kicks at Vlad who is avoiding them all. I don’t know if Matt’s doing them like that because he knows they aren’t going to hit, or if he’s just off his game due to being in the ring with future comedy jobber man.
BACK SUPLEX. INDICITIVE OF KOZLOV’S TRAINING IN SOMETHING CALLED SAMBO. Matt Striker, everyone!
“Kozlov seems cyborg like, void of any emotion” I think the word you are looking for is CHARISMA. He’s void of any CHARISMA.
OMG ANOTHER ARM LOCK~!
Hardy’s arm has been cut open . Guess those ARM LOCKS were more effective than I realised!
Hardy sends Kozlov into the ringpost twice and… it doesn’t really do shit. Kozlov sends Matt into the ringpost once and that’s it for Matt.
So Kozlov is still undefeated at the expense of the ECW champion. Instead of having Matt have an ECW title defence and getting a win on PPV. Fuck the WWE.
Match was dull, but not something I’d call “bad”. Just, no need to ever see it. Ever.
CAL SCALE – 0
Edge is backstage with Vickie. Last time I saw these two was during the SS build up and… well Vickie was the one who booked the HIAC and Edge wanted to take her to hell with him. And now they are together again and I genuinely don’t remember why they got back together.
Oh yeah and Chavo is nothing more than the coffee boy for Vickie. He’s the 2008 version of Patterson and Brisco, only with less talent and more gay .
Hornswoggle spanks Eve. Can’t blame him. Finlay wants him to stay backstage tonight so he doesn’t get hurt. Oh god this isn’t the show with Finlay Vs Khali is it?
CM Punk Vs Rey Mysterio
HYPED . The finals of the IC title tournament with the winner facing KING REGAL for the title .
Haven’t seen this match in a looong time. I usually forget about it and only tend to remember their 2010 matches.
MIKE KNOX mention. I should look up the Knox/Mysterio matches again cos they are a ton of fun. FLYING BEAR~!
Damn, Rey gets launched over the ropes and just SPLATS on his knees. No wonder he’s had knee surgery and 619 times. Get it? 619? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.
PUNK LOOKING TO WEY REY~! Well done Cole, I can see why Vince wanted you to replace JR…
Regal with his KOTR throne at ringside to sit on is awesome. None of that sitting with the commentators shite! And then he randomly has Layla with him during this time. She did… absolutely nothing ever, from what I remember .
ARM BAR BY PUNK~!
REY WITH AN ARM BAR AND PUNK MAY TOP IT!!! Cole continues to show greatness…
at Punk’s bump off a dropkick to the back. He quite literally gets hit and runs from one side of the ring to the other and jumps out the ring .
Oh man, totally got a smile on my face right now. Some awesome sequences here between both guys as they try everything to win.
THE SWASHBUCKLING STYLE OF REY MYSTERIO~! WHY DOES VINCE KEEP YOU EMPLOYED, COLE?!?!
GO TO SLEEP~! CM Punk picks up the win over Pirate Rey and destroys his nose in the process! Good job Rey wears a mask, huh?
Really good match, super fun and nothing I can really complain about aside from the awful Cole Commentary lol.
CAL SCALE – 3
Jeff Hardy with a weird backstage promo in the dark.
JBL comes out for an in ring segment . This is during the whole “HBK is broke” angle. Don’t care what anyone says, I enjoyed it a ton!!!
NOBODY TOUCHES JBL!!!
HBK comes out to try and explain why he’s broke. Yeah, nobody bought it lol, but hey, the angle was still good!
Eve backstage again . Orton is there and Cody shows up with… with… Manu? Remember him?
Mark Henry Vs Finlay – Belfast Brawl
I was thinking this was Finlay Vs Khali, but instead it’s HENRY and not Khali .
THE BEEFY VS THE BRAWLER .
So Finlay takes the fight right to Henry and… what? Striker says what?
WE’RE SEEING A DIFFERENT FINLAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT!!!
Different? HOW IS FINLAY GOING HEAD ON TO BEAT SOMEONE UP DIFFERENT? ARE YOU RETARDED? YES. YES YOU ARE. FUCK YOU.
2 minutes into this match and it’s already amazing. I wish Henry when he came WHC got a Punk-length title reign. Henry with the HALL OF PAIN as champ for over a year?
You know how WWE’s trash cans and lids are like, made of tin foil basically and never look like they hurt? Well… Henry fucking BLASTS Finlay in the face with one of the lids and holy shit it looks more brutal than 99% of chair shots EVER.
YOU WANTED A FIGHT? YOU GOT A FIGHT! Henry trash talking .
WEAPON SHOTS~! Love how Finlay starts smacking Henry down with a Kendo stick, then once Henry is on his knees, Finlay throws the weapon away and just knees the World’s Strongest Man in the fucking FACE.
Henry putting a trash can in Finlay’s face while he’s stuck in the corner, then just CRUSHING IT with his GIRTH .
Hornswoggle ignores his dad and shows up anyway, but helps out by throwing in a second Shillelagh (Henry broke the first one lol) which puts Henry away!
haven’t had this much fun with a wrestling match in some time . Excellent street fight between two awesome wrestlers.
CAL SCALE – 5
Divas randomly standing around a christmas tree. SANTA HASS shows up with presents for them. Beth and that fake Italian dude show up to steal the presents only to be chased off by the Boogyman and Goldust. Then everyone starts signing as random people show up.
Then it cuts to Mr Kennedy looking confused as fuck before he tells people not to do drugs and watch his straight to DVD/the bin film.
Batista Vs Randy Orton
A MATCH FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING~!
Personally I think we should have given it another couple of decades… so it would never happen. Ever.
THE ANIMAL SUCKING IN THE ATMOSPHERE. And soon to be just sucking!
STAY AWAY FROM THE SUDDENNESS OF ORTON~! Cole just keeps coming out with these crackers lol.
Manu and Cody get caught attacking Batista on the outside and the referee sends them to the back. Manu apparently didn’t realise he could come back, and was never seen again .
Oh joy, the third match of the night to feature some ARM WORK…
SOME OTHER MOVES~!
I DON’T CARE~!
MATCH IS OVER~!
WAS BORING AS FUCK~!
CAL SCALE – 0
Maria, Mickie James, Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly Vs Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Victoria – Santa’s Little Helper Match
CAL SCALE – 0
John Cena Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Match
Oh god I still have to sit through their Survivor Series match after this too at some point. Hate that match despite most people praising it for whatever reason. Nobody mentions this match so it’s no doubt even worse. Yey…
They have plenty of HATE~! here which is nice I guess… but they aren’t really doing anything worth mentioning.
NO WAIT, YES THEY ARE!!! REST SPOT~!
Fuck me this was utterly pointless. Match could have been sucked into a void and it wouldn’t have been any less pointless.
CAL SCALE – 0
Edge Vs Jeff Hardy Vs Triple H – WWE Championship Match
BEEEHAAAAAAARRRR~! That’s the noise HHH makes when he clotheslines Edge in the turnbuckle .
Wrestling makes no sense sometimes. Well, ok, it never makes sense really, but in the world of wrestling, sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. HHH is about to Pedigree Edge, so what does Jeff do? HIGH RISK MOVE TO STOP IT~! I have to question WHY? Why bother risking your own body to stop HHH hitting his finisher? Let him take out Edge with his finisher, and then simply stop HHH from making a cover. DUH. Doesn’t take a genius to figure this shit out. I mean, I came up with it, didn’t I? That says it all, really.
Seems that HHH has been watching some old Taker/Hardy matches cos he totally took a Twist of Fate like a neckbreaker.
More shit that makes no sense… Ok, so all 3 guys are brawling on the outside by the announce tables. Edge clears one table to get it ready for TABLE SPOT~! Ok, that’s great. HHH gains control of this brawl and… instead of just using the table that’s already set up… decides to clear ANOTHER table instead. Why? So they could do a spot with Edge running from one table to another to Spear Jeff through it. STOP BLATANTLY DOING STUPID SHIT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN A RANDOM SPOT.
Congrats to HHH for hitting the Spinebuster and not tearing his quads!
Matt comes out to try and help and… gets taken out, allowing Kozlov to throw Jeff off the ropes and potentially cost him the title . YOU HAD ONE JOB, MATT.
FFS, Hardy goes retarded AGAIN by preventing Edge from doing a Conchairto to HHH. LET HIM DO IT. What happens instead? Hardy stops the Conchairto and… HHH ends up knocking him off the ropes while he’s attempting a Swanton. GOOD JOB JEFF.
PEDIGREE TO EDGE~!
SWANTON TO HHH~!
JEFF HARDY IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION~!
THE FANS HAVE LOST THEIR SHIT~!
SHAME HE LOSES IT A MONTH LATER .
Nothing special here. Standard triple threat match. Not awful, not great, just there.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Overall CAL SCALE – 8.5