Royal Rumble 2015 PPV Ramblings

Posted on: January 23rd, 2016 by Big Cal

Royal Rumble 2015

 

Apparently I didn’t ramble about this last year after it happened. I remember nothing about this show bar the winner of the rumble. Not a good sign…

 

New Age Outlaws Vs The Ascension

This… this was a thing? How do I not remember this? Oh, right, it probably sucked giant balls . I remember the Raw segment the week before where all the legends beat the fuck out of the Ascension, but this match on PPV? Nothing.

Did WWE honestly, in any way, think the Ascension would do well? They are literally a complete and total rip off of the Road Warriors. With less talent. Much less talent.

I do however love me some NEW AGE OUTLAWS. Sure, they didn’t exactly have classic matches, but dammit both guys are so much fun. Well, Billy is so much fun in a team with Road Dogg. Road Dogg is fun all the time. The fans still go fucking crazy for Road Dogg’s schtick at the start too.

That makes me think, what IS the best NAO match? Maybe one of the tags against Funk & Foley? Perhaps something with E&C/Hardys/Dudleys in late 1999/early 2000 before Billy’s shoulder died and they split up? Let me know either in the comments below if reading this on my BLOG~! or just make a normal post if reading this on one of the forums I’m posting this on. Or tweet me @ BigCalsWorld or WrestlingView.

Oh damn The Ascension just got the win and I totally missed talking about the whole match because I was busy totally talking about important stuff . Its ok though, this match wasn’t good.

 

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Heyman backstage with HHH and Stephanie, telling them that he has a solution to their Sting problem; BROCK LESNAR. Good thing they didn’t go with that because if Seth nearly finished Sting off, imagine what BROCK FUCKING LESNAR would have done to him!!!

 

The Usos Vs The Miz & Damien Mizdow – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Hmmm. Hmmmm. Well… hmmmmm.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

RENEE YOUNG~!

 

WWE IMMORTALS ADVERTISEMENT IN A BACKSTAGE SEGMENT TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE ITS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT BUT IT CLEARLY FUCKING IS~!

 

Seth Rollins bitching at J&J Security. I miss those guys. J&J, that is. Seth? Not so much.

 

Nikki & Brie Bella Vs Paige & Natalya

Ha. No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Brock Lesnar Vs John Cena Vs Seth Rollins – WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match

Finally, something worth seeing. BROCK FUCKING LESNAR.

SUPLEX CITY~! Cena takes a couple, Rollins runs in from behind and almost gets an F-5 until J&J Security pull him off and… DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX~!

Lesnar is THE MAN.

I know people are bored of the whole SUPLEX CITY formula that Lesnar does, but fuck, I still love it. The fact he only wrestles a few times a year obviously helps. He’s just so different from EVERYTHING else on the show. He has that magical aura that nobody else can match except for The Undertaker.

Awesome spot with Lesnar holding Cena up in the Komura, and Rollins flying from nowhere KNEE FIRST INTO LESNAR’S HEAD, and the replay basically shows Rollins LANDING ON LESNAR’S HEAD… and Lesnar HOLDING HIM UP BY HIS HEAD for a second or two before taking the bump. Lesar truly is THE BEAST.

Some double teaming on Lesnar to try and take him out of the match, which is the only way either man will have a chance of leaving this match with the title.

Cena goes for the old “You Can’t See Me” spot… and ironically he couldn’t see BROCK FUCKING LESNAR come from behind and land another German Suplex .

Imagine if Lesnar was around in the 70’s/80’s??? Bruno’s title run would seem short compared to his. He is THE perfect warrior, and the fact that in this day and age he can have this kind of booking and people 100% BELIEVE IT is impressive as fuck.

THREE AA’S IN A ROW~! Lesnar gets up immediately after the first two to keep taking them, and still kicks out. This is followed up with a CURB STOMP, and while Cena “breaks” up the pin, Lesnar still fucking kicked out at 2. And now he’s fucking PISSED.

CENA DRIVES LESNAR THROUGH THE BARRICADE~! Well, not much rest of THE BEAST after all those finishers. And even then, it’s STILL not enough!!!

STEEL STEPS~! Lesnar has a nice meeting with them.

Lesnar is still fucking going. STEEL STEPS TO THE HEAD~! Lesnar lands on the announce table, and well, that gives SETH an opportunity to do something dangerous and stupid!!!

SPLASHY ELBOW DROP TYPE THINGY~! Seth crashes into Lesnar, breaks the title AND Lesnar’s ribs!!!

Well that’s it for Lesnar for the time being, and we’re left with Cena Vs Rollins. Bah.

CENA STEALS KEVIN OWENS’ POP UP POWERBOMB~!

Well done to Seth there. He did a sunset flip from the turnbuckle and didn’t snap his legs, then hit a turnbuckle powerbomb and didn’t end his opponent’s career .

J&J show up to help out. TRIPLE POWERBOMB~!

AA to J&J AT THE SAME TIME~!

AA to Rollins.

Kickout. Meh, just doesn’t seem impressive when Lesnar isn’t doing it .

Brock still getting attended to, and Lawler makes a comment about hoping its not his neck. Was… was that a joke? LESNAR HAS NO NECK!!!

SUPER FLIPPY SPINNY ATTACK~! Rollins lands it and BOOM! Lesnar is fucking BACK and hits a German Suplex!!!

F-5!!! Lesnar is STILL the WWE WHC and THE MAN.

Yeah, this is very finisher and spot heavy, but fuck, its still so fucking FUN. Plus, lots of finishers actually kinda make sense against BROCK LESNAR because you aren’t going to beat him with anything less than a billion of them.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

30 Man Royal Rumble Match

Here we go!

Oh ffs, Jiz is #1. Tempted to NO this fucker already .

R-Truth is #2. Fuck you, WWE.

BUBBA FUCKING RAY DUDLEY IS BACK~! Then he’d go away again before returning with Devon months later .

With a lack of Devon tonight, Bubba turns to the only other black man in the ring and asks Truth to get the tables, and when that fails, uses him to help with the 3D and JIZ IS ELIMINATED .

Bubba doesn’t approve of R-Truth. He’s no Devon. So he eliminates him.

#4 is LUKE HARPER. Harper Vs Bubba .

#5 is non other than Bray Wyatt! Lotta BEEF in the ring right now… and 2 of them used to be in the same family. And would be in the same family again. I just… don’t remember exactly they got back together.

“We Want Devon” chants are met with… a Bubba elimination .

Who will be #6? Curtis Axel . Eric Rowan shows up from behind and kills him, then heads to the ring to… have a fight with his former family. LOL. He’s not even in the match. Wyatt takes them BOTH out and is alone in the ring for now!

The Boogeyman . WWE signed this guy to a LEGENDS CONTRACT. A LEGENDS contract. LEGENDS. BOOGEYMAN IS A WWE LEGEND .

One clothesline and then Boogeyman is thrown over the ropes . Well, Boogeyman certainly earned his money tonight!

Sin Cara is #9. Which one is he? The real one or the other one that took over from the real one after the real one was fucking useless and quit/got fired?

Guess it doesn’t matter, he’s eliminated quickly. Bray is EATING UP THE COMPETITION.

Bray gets on the mic for a few moments and then… ZACK RYDER comes out . He actually gets some offense in before being eliminated.

#10 is up next. Who is it gonna be? DANIEL FUCKING BRYAN~! Now I’m sad . Because I remember the outcome. And the fact he probably won’t be in this years RR . FUCK YOU, WWE.

At least Bryan is still around by the time the next guy enters. And the next guy is… Fandango. I’d rather have the 1999 RR roster showing up than some of these fuckers.

I think Bray has been asleep in the corner for about 3 entrants now. Lazy fat fuck.

Stardust enters to fucking SILENCE .

Bray wakes up and goes back after Bryan, and they end up battling on the floor after going THROUGH the ropes, not over.

BANG~! YO ITS ME, ITS ME, ITS D.D.P!!!

DIAMOND CUTTER~!

DIAMOND CUTTER~!

DIAMOND CUTTER~!

Will the DIAMOND CUTTER work on RUSEV though? Nope. DDP is done. But he was awesome while he lasted. Rusev launches Fandanjobber over the ropes.

BRYAN IS BACK IN THE RING~! He’s taking out BOTH Rusev and Bray!!! Until they eliminate him in the most dull fucking way. And while he’s on the floor looking disappointed and upset.. SHATTERED DREAMS shows up behind him on the titan tron and Goldust enters next . Fuck you, WWE. Just, fuck you.

The fans don’t care any more. Bryan is gone and they have no reason to give a fuck about anything. Goldust and Stardust go at it and the fans just chant for Bryan.

Daniel Bryan has been eliminated… and KOFI KINGSTON shows up. Yeah, that’ll make things better, you useless motherfuckers.

Daniel Bryan has been eliminated… and ADAM ROSE shows up. Dumb fucks.

WWE literally KILLED the Royal Rumble. They killed it DEAD. And proceeded to give us the finger. Over and over again. By giving us useless fuck after useless fuck.

Rusev at least plays JOBBER KILLER and keeps eliminating these useless fucks.

#19 is Roman Reigns. Who gets booed out of the building .

Still got 11 more cunts to show up in this match. Even though the match ended the moment Bryan was eliminated in the most unspectacular fashion ever.

The fans pick up a little with DAMIEN MIZDOW of all people shows up. And then gets eliminated. WWE just love pissing us off, don’t they?

“Last year Swagger with an impressive Rumble, lasted over TEN MINUTES” . Oh man, Cole tried there. He really did try to put Swagger over.

Fans only cheer someone now when they attack Roman .

Do you hear that? No? Of course not, because Kane just entered the match to SILENCE .

Occasionally the fans pop for someone’s theme, but once they get into the ring? SILENCE.

WWE are dumb fucks. DUMB. FUCKS.

Ok, up to number 30 now. Who is it? Dolph Ziggler .

at the way Dolph is eliminated. Knocked out by Big Show, then Kane and Show just dump his lifeless body over the ropes. The fans were actually behind Ziggler, too .

Where did Rusev go?

Big Show and Kane beating down Ambrose and Reigns . The crowd can barely even give enough fucks to boo .

BULLSHIT chants .

Kane and Show end up fighting. Nobody cares.

Roman eliminates them both at the same time. Nobody cares.

Fans think he’s won. The bell rings. Show and Kane attack Roman. Rock shows up. Fans are happy for a few moments.

Rusev returns. Gets eliminated. Roman officially wins. Fans officially don’t care.

This was awful. Even ignoring the treatment of Bryan, and Roman winning… it was just a bad rumble match. Jobbers galore, boring as fuck, and horribly booked in every aspect.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2

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