Road to Royal Rumble – Royal Rumble Ramblings #3

Posted on: January 5th, 2013 by Big Cal

1990 Royal Rumble

Another RR opens with Vince announcing the participants HUUUUNKY TUNK MAN. KUKU B WARE. HULK WHOOOGAN.

Tony Schiavone and Ventura on commentary. I remember when I first bought the RR Anthology (best DVD purchase EVER btw) and couldn’t believe Tony Schiavone was on commentary. Never knew before then that he was in the WWF.

Match 1 – The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers Vs The Bushwhackers – Oh joy, The Bushwhackers. Or the Marching Morons as Ventura calls them. Rougeau’s are pretty great, but The Bushwhackers suck giant balls. Which is a shame because I hear they were great outside of the WWF (like so many around this time. Koko B Ware, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Butch Reed and many more). One of the Bushwhackers bites the ref in the arse. And doesn’t get DQ’d. BIAS REF. Fans are going fucking INSANE btw. Bushwhackers were TERRIBLE in the WWF but damn were they over. This is terrible in general. Very much a fan interaction/comedy/entertaining type of match with plenty of SCHTICK that usually I could get behind and have a ton of fun with even if the wrestling wasn’t up to par, but fuck, I just hate the Bushwhacker SCHTICK. The Bushwhackers even win. And the ref gets licked. Told ya he was biased! 1/4*

Mean Gene is backstage with DiBiase, and apparently there have been security measures taken so that poor Ted can’t buy a better number like last year. He ends up with #1. Being #1 is a golden OPERTUMINITY for DiBiase to prove how great he is by winning from that position.

Match 2 – The Genius Vs Brutus The Barber Beefcake – No. I’m not watching this. I never have and I never will. I looked up my old review of this show and I didn’t watch it then either. So no. Not happening. Fuck off.

Backstage the Heenan Family are arguing over who is gonna win the RR.

Match 3 – Rugged Ronnie Garvin Vs Greg The Hammer Valentine – I Quit/Submission match here. Always loved this one. A real hard hitting STIFF match between two guys who are good at that style. Some fucking great punches thrown. Valentine is stupid. Tries to get a 3 count at one point. In the most homo cover ever. Then Valentine goes for another cover. Slightly less homo but still a little on the gay side lol. How does Garvin counter? With a pin attempt of his own. LOL. I’m sure people would see that as a negative on the match, but like Ventura says, the wrestlers are so conditioned to pinning people in matches that its almost instinct. And we didn’t see many submission only matches back then, so I can buy it. Besides, the fucking STIFFNESS of this match makes up for it. There is a nice story throughout the match revolving around the Figure Four, with Valentine using a leg brace to aid his version of the FF, while Garvin has one of his own to prevent the move from affecting him (the HAMMER JAMMER)! So Valentine has to change his game plan and utilise other holds. A great match. Some people won’t like it, but fuck those people. Its two tough guys beating the shit out of each other. What’s NOT to love? Oh, no moonsaults for no reason? No flippy shit for random pops? Awwwww sowwy. ***3/4.

Mr Perfect gets interviewed, and he says he drew the PERFECT NUMBER. Number 30 of course. He’s gonna win! Right?

Brother Love is in the ring. This can’t be good. He brings out Sensational Sherry. After talking about some shit for a while first of course, but christ knows if I could make out what the fuck he was saying. They spent a while insulting Sapphire (Dusty’s random fat black women manager for those who don’t remember or choose not to remember lol) before introducing her. I think this might be the worst “interview” segment of all time. Savage shows up at some point. Dusty for the save. This lasted what seemed like forever. I feel dirty for watching the whole thing.

Match 4 – The Big Bossman Vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan – THEY DUBBED OVER BOSSMAN’S THEME. THOSE BASTARDS. I’m going to Youtube. HE CARRIES A BIG STICK, A BALL AND CHAIN TOO. Ahhh, much better! Sadly this would be the first of many absolutely horrible matches Bossman would be involved in during the RR PPV’s. Then again, I may have underrated this. I’ve grown to like 2 big guys beating the fuck out of each other over the years since I last saw this, and so far for the first couple of minutes I’ve been enjoying this. Duggan was a great brawler pre-WWF, and Bossman was a good big man in his early days in the WWF and did some good stuff in WCW a couple of years later too (a certain match with VADER is awesome). Hacksaw can clearly be seen asking the ref to come do the arm raising thing while he’s in a bearhug lol. There’s an awesome bit where the ref is telling Bossman off and pushing him back away from Duggan, and at the exact same time Slick (who can’t be seen on camera) is saying something to Duggan like “that’ll teach you boy” and I actually thought the ref was saying it to Bossman! Bossman uses his BIG STICK to deck Duggan, the ref sees it and DQ’s him. Duggan returns the favour and decks Bossman with his 2×4. Damn, this was good. How the FUCK did I hate it before? Oh yeah, I was retarded. Duh. ***

A bunch of RR guys all talking about the RR match. Everyone back then was sooo damn excited compared to today. I think the drugs helped. Anyone else think Rick Martel looks like Stallone? ARRGHGH WARRIOR ANHDHDYRRH WARRIOR ASJHSYRIHG COMBAT. Ha, Martel looks like Stallone, Warrior sounds like him.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Ted DiBiase is #1 of course, and gets no music. Koko is #2… and gets music. BIASED COMPANY. This is also the first RR where people get music during their entrance. Why can’t babyfaces feel pain in their head when its rammed into something? The bird man flies… out of the ring. Ha, Jannetty also flies out of the ring. DiBiase is using my tactic when I play wrestling games. Empty the ring and take on everyone one at a time. Though back when I first started playing RR matches in games there were 4 guys in the ring to start off. How the fuck did they screw something up that bad lol? Jake Roberts is out next followed by Randy Savage. Damn. 3 truly awesome wrestlers in the ring at the same time. Screw the RR, TRIPLE THREAT. A bunch of big names continue to fill the ring; Bret Hart, Dusty Rhodes, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant, Bad News Brown (to an extent)… and then Red Rooster shows up. LOL. Just realised… only Koko got entrance music for this thing. Guess it’s NOT the first RR with entrance music. Except for Koko. See, THIS is why he’s a HOFer! Earthquake is put over as one of the major threats in the match. He’s currently feuding with Hogan I think. Why? Because he’s big and fat. If you were that in the WWF back then, odds are you’d get a run with Hogan lol. These days you get a dancing gimmick and start to job after a couple of months! Earthquake gets eliminated. Maybe I’m confused and he hasn’t started feuding with Hogan yet. I must be thinking of the 1991 RR match. That match is awesome. This has been good so far though too! AAHRHRTGYRBSBSDBBFHFBG GBGHB!!! ITS THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! He botches within 10 seconds of entering the ring. WOO NEXT WORLD CHAMPION! Warrior eliminates DiBiase who managed to stay in for about 47 minutes or something. WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE! HULK HOGAN! HULK HOGAN! Time to clear the ring of jobbers and Haku so we can get the epic staredown between Hogan and Warrior. Much more successful than the Orton/Cena staredown a few years ago that got ZERO reaction and made me legit burst out laughing at like 3:30am while watching live. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ORTON AND CENA LOL. Rude and Barbarian are next in and eliminate Warrior… who attacks them in the ring then runs off! Seriously, he gets in the ring, knocks them both down… then RUNS AWAY. #30, the perfect one! Probably should have won since Hogan is the champ and didn’t need the win in any conceivable way… but Hogan lost last year and he ain’t losing twice in a row! Winning, yes, but not losing. SPOILER FOR NEXT YEAR OOPS. Hogan wins. Not too pleased with that but whatever. Match is good, really fun, tons of big names too. Best RR match so far. ***1/2.

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