Road to Royal Rumble – Royal Rumble Ramblings #7

Posted on: January 9th, 2013 by Big Cal

1994 Royal Rumble

McMahon and DiBiase on commentary. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Match 1 – Tatanka Vs Bam Bam Bigelow – Why on earth was Tatanka undefeated for so long? Did he ever really get any kind of push? Bigelow has his MAIN SQUEEZE Luna with him. That’s how they announce her lol. God damn motherfucking BEAR HUG. Stop using this move people. STOP IT. It’s just murders any momentum you have going in the match. The fans could be loving what you are doing… right up until you lock in a Bear Hug and the fans just stop caring. Happened in Rock/Cena too (though a Bear Hug certainly wasn’t the only thing wrong with that pile of turd), and it was in Rock’s fucking home town or whatever. Aside from the Bear Hug spot though, this is good. Bigelow is a great big man, and while I don’t think Tatanka deserved the long undefeated streak or anything he was solid too and could pull out some good stuff. **1/2.

We see the history of the Hart Brothers and their issues that started back at the Survivor Series. Bret refuses to fight his own Brother. Guess Owen is gonna have to put him in a casket and set him on fire. Wait, I may be confusing this with another feud. They are friends now. Kinda. Tag match coming up.

Match 2 – Bret & Owen Hart Vs The Quebecers – RR seems to have a great history up to this point of really good tag matches. I think there has been at least one good one on each event so far. And I already know it continues here, and goes into 1995 as well. But that’s for 2morrow. This is today, and I can’t wait to re-watch this one. Ha, Raven is the manager of the Quebecers. Johnny Polo at this time. I *think* he’s supposed to be like some rich guy who golfs and shit. Fuck knows. Don’t care tbh. Though I do think Raven was at his best in that role lol. Never was a fan of the Raven character and always thought his promos were overrated to hell. Great back and forth action for about 10 minutes, then we transition into a full on FIP segment with Bret having his leg taken out and the Quebecers take full advantage. They work over the injured Bret, then Bret finds an opening… and decides to attempt a Sharpshooter rather than tag his brother! He can’t apply the hold, and the referee decides that Bret cannot continue, giving the match to the Quebecers. Owen is PISSED. Bret chose to try and win the match himself rather than tag in his brother. So Owen KICKS HIS LEG FROM OUT OF HIS LEG. That’ll teach him. ****.

Match 3 – Razor Ramon Vs I.R.S. – IC title on the line. Rotunda went from being a great wrestler… to being the dullest bastard on the face of the planet the moment he put on a suit and became the Tax Man. Maybe that was the point. Tax Men are portrayed as being the dullest people on earth, so maybe he HAD to change his style to rest holds. Huh, JR and Monsoon are on commentary now. JR is awesome. IRS is literally DRIPPING WITH SWEAT. Eeeewww. Doesn’t help that he’s wearing a white shirt. It’s practically see through by the end of this. HBK attacks Razor with HIS IC title belt (He was IC champ, got suspended and refused to give up the title belt. New one was made, Razor won it, HBK came back with his, feud began and they have the ladder match at WM), and IRS gets the win! New champ! Until Earl Hebner comes out and tells the ref what happened. Match restarts and Razor wins. I never understand how they can do that one match then let anything slide in another lol. Decent match. **.

DOUBLE WIDE, DOUBLE DEEP CASKET. Paul Bearer promo. Loved those segments showing Undertaker making the casket and shit lol. Undertaker’s “Ho. Ho. Ho.” might be the creepiest christmas thing ever.

Match 4 – Yokozuna Vs The Undertaker – Casket Match for the WWF Title! Undertaker looks like an unstoppable zombie early on, taking Yoko apart, but the fear of being put in a casket encourages Yoko to fight back. Did anyone other than Undertaker and Bret get good singles matches out of Yoko? They do some fun shit together until Undertaker lands a massive chokeslam and puts Yoko in the casket, but CRUSH shows up to prevent the title from changing hands. Kabuki and fucking TENRYU show up to help out Yoko too. Then Bam Bam. They keep having to bring out guys because Undertaker is unstoppable lol. Fuji steals the urn but Bearer steals it back and decks Fuji and Cornette over the year with it lol, and Undertaker fights back once again. ADAM BOMB comes out to even the odds… for the heels because 5 guys isn’t enough. Neither is 6 apparently as Jeff Jarrett shows up. LMAO Undertaker STILL fights back and another few guys come out including Diesel… and it STILL isn’t enough yet! Not even Cena could overcome these odds for this long. Yoko gets the urn and levels Undertaker with it, and then green smoke escapes from it. Everyone starts attacking Undertaker individually and Undertaker is DONE. And then he cuts a promo from inside the casket, and “floats up to heaven” or something. Crazy, weird, strange, but kinda cool. Fun match, but I think the beatdown on Undertaker lasts longer than the Undertaker/Yoko parts lol. **3/4.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is Scott Steiner. #2 is none other than Samu. What a dull way to start the rumble. I wonder if everyone gets entrance music this year. Had to have started soon, right? Nope. Not this year. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. This year instead of having someone last 40+ minutes and puts in a great performance, we have Diesel simply DOMINATE the match for a short period of time, eliminating the most men up to that point, before he’s eliminated by a group effort. Backlund puts up one hell of a fight using his great amateur skills to use by keeping low to the ground and closing in on Diesel’s legs, and holy fuck does it look like he’s trying to SHOOT eliminate the big man lol. Might be the most convincing non elimination ever. You know how when someone is trying to throw someone else out, and you can clearly see them basically helping to make sure he DOESN’T go out? Well not here lol. Backlund looks like he wants to throw Diesel out and win this thing legit. Then he gets eliminated. Dammit. Virgil is a replacement for someone (I forget) and Diesel looks like he’s trying to stiff the shit out of him before throwing him out haha. The two favourites to win this are Lex Luger and Bret Hart. Hart has the leg injury from the match earlier in the night, and Luger got attacked backstage by Kabuki and TENRYU. You ain’t lived until you’ve seen TENRYU threaten people with a broom, then put it down and walk past everyone like he’s the fucking BOSS. Because he is. ALL HAIL TENRYU. Anywho, yeah, 2 favourites, both with injury angles to overcome. But only ONE of them can win. Right? Nah, both win. Match is mostly good. Gets a little dull towards the end for me though. **3/4.

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