Road to Royal Rumble – Royal Rumble Ramblings #10

Posted on: January 12th, 2013 by Big Cal

1997 Royal Rumble

Still remember the day I bought this on VHS lol.

Match 1 – Hunter Heart-Helmsley Vs Goldust – IC title match. Build up video sees Lawler ask Goldust if he’s queer. He says no and decks Lawler. I guess all that molesting men thing was just experimentation, right? LOL. HHH has Mr Hughes randomly with him. Brawl early on, and Goldust uses the ring steps and the ref doesn’t DQ him. Oh, it’s Earl “I make up my own damn rules” Hebner. Match is pretty dull. So much so they have Todd Pettengill interview someone in the audience. Felt like it lasted an hour. *.

RR interviews. Bret is determined to win. Mankind just wants to beat people up.

Match 2 – Farooq Vs Ahmed Johnson – Who WERE all those people in the original NOD? There were like 20 of them and only Farooq and Crush were wrestlers. JUOR GUING DURN. Gotta love Ahmed’s promo ability. Or general speaking ability. His wrestling ability is on par too. This match has been brewing for a long time according to Vince. Speaking of brewing for a long time, I need to toilet. And I’m back. Is this match No DQ? Because Ahmed used a chair while the ref was right there. Then again, the ref took it away so it must be illegal. What the fuck does it take to cause a DQ? All the NOD members piling into the ring and getting their arses kicked, apparently. BAD. 1/2*.

Match 3 – Vader Vs The Undertaker – Ahhh, two of my favourites (one being my all time fav of course), beating the fuck out of each other. Given some of the shit I’ve watched so far today (Impact and SD, first 2 matches of this show), I’m hoping to just get ANY kind of enjoyment out of a match. Vader and ‘Taker smashing each other in the face should do it. Some fun offence from both men… and Todd interviews some random fan who follows HBK across the country or something. She saved up money from babysitting. How many fucking babysitting jobs did she take to be able to follow HBK around? And why did we need to know about that? In the middle of a match? Not often you see Undertaker powerbombed. Or Vader powerslammed while jumping off the ropes. Fans are horrible, usually only making noise when a big move is hit. PAUL BEARER. JR: I see Paul Bearer!. Vince: I don’t see him THERE HE IS. Bearer cracks the Urn over Undertaker’s head, Vader hits the Vader Bomb from the corner and this one is over! Solid match, nothing too special though. Vader 93 Vs Undertaker 07 would be epic though. ***.


Match 4 – Héctor Garza, Perro Aguayo & El Canek Vs Jerry Estrada, Heavy Metal & Fuerza Guerrera – They’re in Texas, so they decide to throw in a random Mexican 6 man match. Wow this fucking SUCKED. I actually used to think very highly of this match. I must have been high. Except I don’t get high. So I was drunk. That’s it. 2 guys flip about. Slowly and with little shit given. They each tag out. Repeat the flipping about slowly while not giving a shit. Tag out. They do that a few times, then someone randomly gets a win. The fans are silent until the match ends. They cheer because they are glad it’s over. DUD.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is none other than the awesome, the legendary, the amazing, the one and only… CRUSH. Maybe #2 will be good. It’s Ahmed Johnson.  BOTCH TIME. FAKE RAZOR. He doesn’t even get entrance music lol. He gets eliminated in seconds anyway. Johnson eliminates himself. Because he’s retarded. He sees Farooq and chases after him. Hey Ahmed, you could have gone UNDER the ropes and chased him still. Then come back later to possibly win the match. Oh well. I’m 16 years too late in telling him. LMAO, they have clock problems so nobody knows when someone is gonna enter. Austin is #4. He’s pretty badass here. I liked Austin’s character around this time, more so than in 98/99/00/01 when he was the uber popular babyface. BRITISH BULLDOG. HE’S GONNA WIN BECAUSE HE’S BAZAAR. Ring fills up. Half WWF guys, half AAA guys (that nobody gives a fuck about). Austin clears the ring. Bret’s music hits and Austin looks terrified. Lawler’s music hits. He says “it takes a King”, then gets in the ring, gets knocked out straight away, returns to the announce table “to know a King” and pretends that he never even entered lol. FUNK. MANKIND. FAKE DIESEL AKA KANE. 2 Cold FLASH FUNK. A young Rock. So mostly great talent in the ring lol. IT’S FUCKING VADER TIME BITCHES. GOAT #30… The Undertaker of course! Poor Fake Diesel is just stood in the corner minding his own business when Undertaker punches him in the face. So next year he comes back and sets a casket on fire with Undertaker in it. Austin wins despite being thrown out by Bret, but the refs didn’t see it. Fake Diesel is in the final four, but for some reason is excluded from the FINAL FOUR match at the next PPV. No wonder he went around setting people on fire a year later! First half of this match is pretty shitty, second half is really good. ***

Match 6 – Shawn Michaels Vs Sid – WWF Title time. HBK’s home town. Or state. Whatever. Fans still chant for SID. Take that, boy toy. Sid gets too much hate. He’s good. He knows how to draw heat, he knows how to get fans to cheer him, and he knows wrestling psychology. Nice back work from Sid, which will aid him when it comes to the POWERBOMB. He even uses a bear hug and I’m NOT pissed off. That’s a feat in itself. Oh and Sid has great facials too. LMAO at HBK’s parents sat watching looking bored shitless. His mum looks like “oh shit, did I leave the oven on?” and his dad is like “hmmm… I wonder how being bazaar was really going to help Bulldog win the RR…”. POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR. Shawn practically no sells it. Chokeslam. Sid should have won but the ref was down. Bah. Camera to the back of Sid as revenge for Survivor Series, followed by SWEET CHIN MUSIC (minus the awesome call from Vince like we got at SS). New champ. Good match, enjoyable. **3/4.

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