WrestleMania 5

Posted on: March 15th, 2013 by Big Cal

WM 5



Match 1 – Haku Vs Hercules – NO.

Match 2 – The Rockers Vs The Twin Towers – 2 massive guys vs The Rockers? Fuck yes! Should make up for the fact I had to skip the first match lol. Great start with Shawn & Marty running around avoiding their bigger stronger opponents and frustrating them, then using quick tags and double team offence to try and control this match. But a blind tag puts an end to their luck, and poor Marty gets CRUSHED between the two behemoths. Dammit, Marty comes back fairly quickly instead of taking a beating for much longer which could have ruled, but I’m guessing this is gonna be another card filled with short matches. Or maybe… HBK FIP! Eeeeeeeeeeeee! Awesome clothesline to take him out. BOSSMAN WITH A SPLASH OFF THE TOP ROPE! And HBK moves, and dammit, no HBK FIP. THEY TEASED ME DAMMIT. Or are they? Awesome powerbomb counter to HBK coming off the ropes… and a big splash from Akeem and this is over. FUCKING DAMMIT! It ended up getting hardly any time, and they kept teasing me with a HBK FIP which never really happened. SAD NOW. Though this was a ton of fun for the time it lasted. **.

Match 3 – Ted DiBiase Vs Brutus The Barber Beefcake – Seriously? DiBiase in a match at WM… and it’s against that fucking pile of turd Brutus? Fuck this. NO.

Match 4 – The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers Vs The Bushwhackers – I skipped this at the RR. I’m not watching it now either. Fuck this shit. NO.

Match 6 – Mr Perfect Vs The Blue Blazer – Hennig Vs Owen! Alright, something I wanna watch! Fun short sprint here, reminds me a little of Owen Vs Kid from KOTR, only not as fast paced. Perfect wins. Fine for what it was, easy to watch. *3/4.

Run DMC? They were going all the way back then? Well DAMN lol. They do something. I skipped it.

Match 7 – Demolition Vs Powers of Pain & Mr Fuji – Tag titles on the line, even though it’s a handicap match. They really like to do a match with a manager at WM don’t they? Kinda wish I’d skipped this, because it was dull as fuck. I was hoping for some big hard hitting match between 4 tough bastards, with Fuji just coming in every now and then like you would expect. Instead it’s slow and filled with shitty slams. For the first time, the manager actually gets PINNED rather than picking up the win. So it has that going for it. But it doesn’t matter, because the whole thing still sucked. DUD.

Match 8 – Dino Bravo Vs Ronnie Garvin – Do I want to watch this? I like Garvin… Bravo doesn’t do THAT much for me but I don’t really dislike him or anything. Ok, I’ll give it a watch. Snuka gets introduced randomly while both guys are stood in the ring waiting for the match to start LOL. Snuka doesn’t even do anything either! He takes about a minute to come to the ring, poses, then fucks off! LMFAO. What a complete and utter waste of sodding time. Very shot match here, but I liked it. Garvin is a big hard hitter, and Bravo is “Canada’s Strongest Man”, so we get some nice action in the very short time they are given. Garvin has some great punches too btw. Bravo wins with a side slam. 1/2*.

Match 9 – The Brainbusters Vs Strike Force – ARN. TULLY. FUCK YES. Some great typical tag work from the Brainbusters. Match is structured similar to their series with The Rockers (if you haven’t seen them, WATCH EM), only Strike Force aren’t as good, but it doesn’t matter because they are still a good team and this is still a good match. Love the double figure four spot, with Arn truly being a team player by raking the eyes of… whoever has Tully in the hold so he releases it, as Tully is the legal man, leaving Arn still in the hold taking damage while Tully can recover and get the match back on track for them. ARN. Tito gets knocked into Martel by mistake and that is pretty much how the Brainbusters really gain control. Tito finally gets a chance to tag out.. but Martel is pissed that he got taken out by Tito (he doesn’t know it was a mistake caused by the Brainbusters)… and leaves! Heel turn for Martel, and now the Brainbusters can finish off Tito with no worry of a partner helping him. Good stuff. ***.

PIPER’S PIT! Heard a TON of hate for this segment, time to see what I think of it. Hilariously long introduction from Howard Finkle for Piper… only for BROTHER LOVE to come out in a kilt! Ha. LMFAO at Brother Love’s Piper impression. Great stuff here with Love interviewing Piper, except he is playing the part of Piper too lol. Morton Downy Jr shows up too, then we get Piper for real! Piper and Love going back and forth is great. Piper on the mic is always awesome. Downy Jr just kinda sits in the back playing with cigarettes for a while, then throws some at Piper, who keeps glaring over at him then going back to Love, before finally getting to him. Downy says some shit, Piper turns it into gold, then attacks him with a fire extinguisher lol. I loved this. Fuck the haters. Sure, it took up some time, time that could have went to Rockers/Twin Towers… but half the sodding matches so far basically took time from a match like that by happening and SUCKING. At least this was entertaining!

Match 10 – Andre The Giant Vs Jake Roberts – Big John Studd is the guest referee here because… I dunno. I’m sure there was some reason. Playing on the Andre/Studd feud that happened for WM 1? Damn, Andre is really getting smaller here, he’s barely bigger than Studd now. Match starts and BAM, Jake gets smashed head first into an exposed turnbuckle! Commentators are confused as to why it isn’t padded, and the ref doesn’t notice at all! Guessing Heenan did it while everyone was watching Jake come to the ring. For some reason though Jake doesn’t act like it’s that big a deal. He’s all out of it at first, then quickly makes a comeback and even gets Andre tied in the ropes so he can take some free shots at the Giant. But the Giant is still a Giant, and he doesn’t stay in the ropes for long nor does he take offence from Jake too long… but then after a shoulder smash in the corner… Andre nearly collapses and… I have no idea why. Commentators claim it was a knee from Jake, but I watched it back and Jake didn’t do anything. THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? Jake goes for the snake, DiBiase comes out and steals it. Jake chases him. Andre attacks Studd. Jake returns with the Snake (which looks heavy as FUCK btw lol). Snake in the ring and Andre gets the fuck outta there. Jake wins via DQ. This was terrible. DUD.

Match 11 – The Hart Foundation Vs Greg Valentine & The Honky Tonk Man – Well this was great… for the couple of minutes that it lasted. GGRRRR! GIVE MATCHES TIME DAMMIT. Hart Foundation dominate the entire thing in a fun sprint that ends with Bret using the Megaphone on the heels for the win. Just needed to be like, 5 times longer. *.

Match 12 – Rick Rude Vs The Ultimate Warrior – LMAO at Warrior running to the ring. The walkway is really thin and when you have the crowd reaching out to touch the wrestlers (DIRTY FANS!), there really isn’t any room at all, so Warrior looks like a complete and total tit. Then he gets into the ring and continues to look like that LOL!. A bearhug… from the BABYFACE… in the first 30 seconds? Fuck this shit lol. Come on Rude, get in control dammit! Knees to the gut to prevent a splash, and hopefully Rude can do something interesting now. Nope. Couple of minutes of shit, then with the help of Heenan, Rude pins Warrior and becomes IC champ. Yawnathon. DUD.

Match 13 – Bad News Brown Vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan – No thanks. NO.

Match 14 – Bobby Heenan Vs The Red Rooster – Well this lasts less than a minute. DUD.

Match 15 – Randy Savage Vs Hulk Hogan – WWF Title time! Hogan was a piece of shit friend, looked like he was trying to hit on Liz, eliminated Savage from the RR… and somehow SAVAGE IS THE HEEL. But hey, at least Savage can be a great heel. He’s a great PRICK here, stalling early on to slow down Hogan’s momentum, uses Liz to avoid being hit etc. Then Hogan goes all TECKNICKLEZ on Savage, possibly to throw the champ off his game, as he would be expecting basic power moves from the Hulkster. But a thumb to the eye changes that, and now Savage can use his superior wrestling and high flying ability to control things. Savage keeps cheating in little ways so Hogan cheats back to make a short comeback before he gets BUSTED OPEN leaving him vulnerable to the MACHO MAN OOOOOO YEAAAAHHH. But Savage gets too cocky and doesn’t follow up enough, allowing Hogan plenty of chances to get shots in and it becomes more of a back and forth bout with Hogan trying to beat the fuck out of his former best friend and Savage trying to murder the guy who turned on him and tried to take his wife and somehow made HIM the bad guy in this situation LOL. Liz adds for some interesting moments too, including getting in the way of Hogan when he tries to send Savage into the ring post. She doesn’t want to favour one over the other, but she still loves her husband and keeps trying to protect him. But since Savage is the HEEL here, he sends her away because he doesn’t want her help. Match has been great up until now… when Hogan takes an Elbow drop and gets up straight away to Hulk Up and shit. Bah. Boot. Leg Drop. New Champ. Bah. The original SUPERMAN comeback lol. Shame the finish had to be so shit, because the rest was great. Brings down the match, but not THAT much. I still liked it a whole lot overall. ***1/2.

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