WM from MSG! WWF Title is on the line TWICE… like last year, only this time they announced in advance that it would happen like that haha. Bret and Luger both got eliminated from the RR at the same time, so they both kinda won, and Jack Tunney in his infinite wisdom made them both the winner. So Luger will face Yoko first, and the winner will face Bret in the main event.
Match 1 – Bret Hart Vs Owen Hart – To make it fair to Yoko and Luger, Bret has to wrestle twice as well, and it’s against his own brother! Loved the build up to this, started at the Survivor Series, then going to the RR where they made up but Bret was a prick so Owen turned on him, and now they will see who the better man is. As a younger brother myself, I am in the corner of Owen. I AM NOT A NUGGET! Owen celebrating like he won the WWF title when he escapes a hold and shit is awesome. I’m guessing Owen did some amateur wrestling as a kid like Bret, right? How good was he? I know Bret did well at his level then moved to pro because he didn’t enjoy cutting weight and whatnot, but do they ever mention Owen’s skill? *wiki’s Owen Hart*Hmmmm seems he didn’t do any, or at least nothing note worthy in the amateur ranks. Seems he just learnt everything in the Dungeon. And he learnt really fucking well because he’s about a smooth as they come in the ring. Owen and Bret trade holds, as Owen does his best to try and out wrestle his older brother to prove he’s the best. Unfortunately it doesn’t quite work, so Owen resorts to cheating and brawling a little in order to gain the advantage, with the belief that beating his brother will prove he’s better rather than simply out wrestling him. Shades of the Dynamite Kid from Owen as he hits a TOMBSTONE (wonder what Vince thought to Owen using Undertaker’s finisher lol) and follows it up with a diving headbutt! Bret moves out of the way and begins to build some momentum, until Owen stops him and begins to work over the leg, hoping to HURT his brother now as well as beating him. Epic Piledriver from Bret. So, recently (when I wrote this review anyway lol), Cena and Punk had a match on Raw, and Punk used the Piledriver and Vince got pissed because it’s banned or something. Some typical bitchy internet fans were bitching (because they like to bitch like little bitches) at Punk for using such a dangerous move on the top guy (Cena) so close to WM. Uhhh… what? Ok, I get that WWE are trying to be careful and protect their guys a little more these days than usual… but a Piledriver? Who the fuck can you name that has been legitimately injured from a Piledriver? What? Austin you say? No. That wasn’t a basic Piledriver. That was a mix between a Tombstone and a Piledriver, a move that you don’t exactly see anyone doing. THAT is a dangerous Piledriver. The normal one? Unless you are a useless fuck, it’s safe as hell. Jerry Lawler has used it as a finisher for 30+ years. Everyone and their grandma used it in the 80’s. And yet I can’t think of anyone who got injured from it. Certainly not to the extent that their career was over or shortened or anything. Anyone that did get injured… can’t have gotten that injured because we never hear about it. So, get the fuck over it. Back to this match, yeah, it’s incredible. I’ve always found it hard to really write about this in a way to do it justice. Best for me just to tell everyone to watch it for themselves. Owen in the end picks up the huge win, and proves he is the better Hart! No longer held in such high regard by myself though, however it’s still in the upper echelon of matches at WM! ****3/4
Ummmm…. ok… the president of the Hair Club for Men gets introduced. And then introduces The Fink who now has hair. I don’t understand. Why was this even a thing?
Match 2 – Bam Bam Bigelow & Luna Vachon Vs Doink & Dink The Clowns – Yeah, no thanks. NO.
Match 3 – Randy Savage Vs Crush – Falls count anywhere. Savage loses in about a minute after being dropped onto the guard rail. But WAIT! Match isn’t over! He has 60 seconds to get back into the ring. Uhhh ok. He makes it. Then Savage pins Crush on the floor and Crush just makes it. So what happens if they pin each other in the ring? Are they allowed to pin each other in the ring? WHY IS THIS CALLED FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE? Well this was pretty shitty. Savage wins. DUD.
Oh look, how big and important are WWE? They have an imposter president! Nothing screams class like that!
Match 4 – Alundra Blayze Vs Leilani Kai – NO.
Burt Reynolds steals a girl from Shawn Michaels. Yeah that was pretty awesome.
Match 5 – Men on a Mission Vs The Mounties – The Mounties ALWAYS get their man. So… was this a subtle gay gimmick? Oh look, Raven is their manager! Actually thought he was better as Johnny Polo than he was as raven. Yeah, I’m not a fan of the Raven character. What of it? Huh? Huh? Nothing. I thought so. Why am I wasting time talking about that? Because this match involves The Mounties and Mo. Mabel is awesome though. Yeah, I like Mable. What of it? Huh? Huh? Ok, I’m wasting more time. But come on. I always like seeing big fat wrestlers beat on people, but I can’t sit through the rest of this crap without being distracted. Stuff happens, then Mable tags in and runs everyone over. Double suplex to Mable! Double team top rope move thingy! Kick out from Mable! Poor Mable looks absolutely knackered. As knackered as Rock when he cuts a promo. Big Splash to both Mounties, one in the ring and one on the floor. Men on a Mission win via countout? I’m honestly not sure what the fuck just happened. Oh the tag titles were on the line too or something. What? DUD.
Match 6 – Yokozuna Vs Lex Luger – Mr Perfect is the guest ref because… he and Luger wrestled at WM last year? WWF Title is on the line. Winner gets to defend later against Bret. I wanna skip this one, but being a WWF Title match at WM I feel I should at least sit through it. But I’m expecting it to be shit. Can’t help it lol. YES YES YES YOU CAN FEEL IT! LMAO McMahon reminds me of Piccolo when he merges with Nail on Namek. YES YES YES I CAN DO IT I CAN WIN! I have a sneaky suspicion that Luger will fail just the same. Mr Perfect has gone all out with his ref outfit. Not just a striped shirt, but striped trousers too! The American Way: Putting Arabian Oil in Japanese Cars. Well fuck, Jerry, there are nicer ways to tell the truth… Oh wow this is dreadfully dull. Punch punch punch punch punch punch attempted lift on Yoko punch punch punch punch NERVE GRIP FOR A BILLION YEARS punch punch punch punch NERVE GRIP FOR A BILLION YEARS punch punch punch punch NERVE GRIP FOR A BILLION YEARS oh god kill me now. Luger lands the big forearm shot, Yoko is out. Luger drags Cornette and Fuji in the ring and attacks them, then when he goes for a cover and Mr Perfect checks on them he gets pissed, shoves Perfect and gets DQ’d! LOLOLOL. Shite match. DUD.
Match 7 – Earthquake Vs Adam Bomb – 30 second squash match, Earthquake wins LOL. DUD.
Match 8 – Razor Ramon Vs Shawn Michaels – IC title on the line in a ladder match! LOL at Earl Hebner just shoving a camera man out of the way as he walks around the ring. Diesel attacks Razor… and gets ejected from ring side… in a NO DQ LADDER MATCH. Though this is from the same event that had a Falls Count Anywhere match where you could only seemingly pin your opponent outside the ring then they had a minute to get back in the ring and not lose. If that TNA cage match that ended in a DQ was on here it would be the most retarded event of all time! But at least Diesel being removed from ringside doesn’t affect this match in a negative way. Now we get HBK and Razor one on one to find out who the better man and the REAL IC champion is! Razor removes some of the padding on the outside, only to take a bump over the ropes onto the now exposed concrete. Looks and sounds really painful too lol. Ouch. Shawn’s bare ass. Of course. SPLASH FROM THE LADDER! Not as impressive these days, but it was back then, and still looks good today too, just doesn’t have the same kind of impact as it originally did. Shawn’s Flair bump into the corner… only with the ladder in the way still looks fucking great even by today’s standards. Where do WWE get these ladders, btw? Because I can’t imagine them being… real ladders. I know I don’t bash people in the face with my ladders, but fuck, if I did I doubt they would twist and buckle from it lol. These ones barely look like they can hold the weight of either guy. Not very safe! Speaking of not very safe, I don’t think it’s good for your health when you get SUPERKICKED IN THE FACE. Pretty awesome kick. LMAO, Shawn signals for a Razor’s Edge, the commentators are playing it up that Shawn is gonna use Razor’s own finisher on him… and then Shawn SWERVES us and hits a Piledriver! Shawn looks to be in control, climbs the ladder to win, but Razor shoulder barges the ladder and Shawn gets tied up in the ropes (oh noes he stoled teh finish of his ladder match with bret hart), and Razor becomes the undisputed IC champ! DID YOU KNOW? It was Shawn’s idea for Razor to climb the ladder again and pose with both belts. Great match no doubt, and as a very early “spot fest” it holds up really well still. I never thought of this as the greatest ladder match or a 5 star match or anything, but did consider it one of the better ladder matches. Not so much now, however it still is a terrific match, just speaks volumes of how great some other ladder matches have been. ****.
Big tag match was supposed to happen next… but got cancelled due to time constraints. The excuse was that the heels couldn’t decide who the captain was…
Match 9 – Yokozuna Vs Bret Hart – Second WWF Title match of the night. Yoko beat Luger in a horrifically bad match earlier. These 2 main evented WM last year and had a decent match. Piper is announced as the guest ref. Because he faced Bret at WM a few years ago? I guess so. LOL, Burt Reynolds is a terrible ring announcer. Struggled to read the cards and shit. Punch punch punch punch punch dropkick punch punch punch punch missed splash punch punch punch punch… as long as we don’t get another nerve grip I’ll be happy. Bret headbutts Yoko, hurts himself, but Yoko has to sell it too because he’s not Samoan in his Yoko gimmick so his head isn’t the hardest thing in existence lol. Bret punches Yoko a few times, kick to the gut, then standing axe handle smash… and Cornette has to break up the count because Yoko can’t kick out. From that. Are you fucking serious? Piper punches Cornette for the lols. Mr Perfect went the extra mile with his ref outfit… Piper is just wearing his gimmick t-shirt and some jeans lol. Finishing stretch for this match is pretty good though, all things considering. Hart makes some good comebacks and gets some nice near falls, and Yoko really looks like he has everything won until Bret moves out of the way for a Bonzai drop and makes the cover. New champ! Now… where is Hogan to steal it from him? LOL. Match is… decentish. **.