Royal Rumble 2016

 

Please WWE. PLEASE. Don’t let this show suck.

 

Dean Ambrose Vs Kevin Owens – WWE Intercontinental Championship Last Man Standing Match

This is the… third LMS match at a RR event, I think? HBK/HHH in 04 and Show/Del Rio from a few years ago. They both sucked. So the question is, can two men, who have done nothing but dull, shitty generic brawls together, finally break THE STREAK of awful RR LMS matches? Sadly I wouldn’t bet money on it. But I do genuinely HOPE they have a great match here, really I do. I just… don’t expect it.

God I hate this match already and its only just started. I fucking HATE that god awful punching spot that seems to be mandatory in brawls today. Its the one where they stand facing each other and flail their arms around and nobody sells shit and its fucking awful.

Oh look, the barricade spot. Just like I predicted. Only I didn’t expect it to happen 5 fucking minutes into the match. At least it was a unique spot rather than the tackle.

this is the 4th LMS at a RR event. The commentators just reminded me of Cena/Umaga in 07. My point still stands about LMS matches at the RR sucking. Yeah, I don’t like that match. Get over it.

Fans are chanting “this is awesome”. I fucking hate that chant.

3 announce tables are all lined up and Owens spends a minute setting up a table he got from under the ring. And then gets another out. Even a fan in the front row yells out that he’s wasting time doing this .

Well, 2 tables stacked up. Both men on the ropes. Time for the big pointless spot? Nope, not yet! Guess they’ve gotta mess about for a while hoping fans will forget those 2 tables stacked up at ringside so the big spot can be a “surprise”.

DIRTY DEEDS ON THE STEEL CHAIR~!

Ok, no. Now Ambrose is RIGHT NEXT TO THE ANNOUNCE TABLES… and wastes time going under the ring to set up a fucking table. Fuck off.

And here comes another fucking table. God fucking dammit.

best part of this match so far is Owens screaming I HATE YOU at Ambrose after getting smacked in the back with a steel chair.

Owens turning the tables on Ambrose while on the top rope, and hits some… move that drives Dean through the table in the middle of the ring. I’m sure someone will point out the name of the move to me, was probably something he used a lot in ROH or something lol.

POP-UP POWERBOMB~!

Big table spot followed right up with the powerbomb and of course this match isn’t over yet. We’ve still got those two stacked tables, remember?

Ok, here we go, Owens on the top rope to come crashing down on Ambrose who is laid across a bunch of chairs and… gets pushed off through both tables. What a surprise.

Ambrose wins.

Ok, so yeah, I didn’t really care for this match, but at the same time, it wasn’t THAT awful. Just wasn’t good. Harmless. Its there, it happened. And that’s that. I’ll never watch it again.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

A New Day Vs The Usos – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Fuck off. New Day win.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Alberto Del Rio Vs Kalisto – WWE United States Championship Match

Alrighty, hope this lives up to expectations!!!

Feels weird having actual expectations for a Del Rio match lol. If he isn’t wrestling Christian, I’m usually not caring.

Bloody hell, WWE advertising a streaming service that ISN’T the WWE Network?

This is very much just like their SD bout, in terms of structure anyway. Kalisto uses his quickness and high flying offence to try and gain some momentum, while Del Rio uses his size to keep Kalisto grounded and gives the little Mexican a good beating .

Just a shame the fans don’t really give a shit. And you can’t blame them. Del Rio is dull as shit, and Kalisto hasn’t really been given much of a chance to get over with anything beyond crazy spots in matches. Then when he had his big moment of winning the US title, he lost it the next night at the SD taping .

Nice recovery from a botched spot there.

Kalisto moves out of the way of that foot stomp in the corner, hits his finisher that I won’t even attempt to type out because it’ll make me look like a moron who can’t spell, and Kalisto looks to have the title won!!! 1…2… Del Rio grabs the bottom rope!

Del Rio is getting frustrated, and it might end up costing him the match. He exposes one of the turnbuckles, but it backfires and Kalisto is our NEW US champion!!! Well, props to WWE for putting the title back on Kalisto. I didn’t think they would. Now they just have to like, you know… do something with him.

Fun match for sure. Don’t think I quite liked it as much as their SD match, but I’m happy with it .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Renee Young with the kick-off show panel, and she tells us that HENRY AND SWAGGER won the 4 way tag match earlier in the night to gain entry into the RR .

 

Heyman backstage with Stephanie. Usual stuff. Steph hates Paul. Paul builds up Brock.

 

Oooo a new show with Edge & Christian? Looks cheesy as fuck, but dammit, I’ll give it a watch. Man, gotta wait while Feb 21st?

 

Charlotte Vs Becky Lynch – WWE Divas Championship Match

I’ll pass.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

WWE World Heavyweight Championship 30 Man Royal Rumble Match

Here. We. Go.

#1 is of course Roman Reigns. So we basically know he’s going to be here till the end before getting screwed, which will no doubt get a huge pop from the crowd . ROMAN IS A BABYFACE, HONEST!!!

WHO DREW NUMBER TWO?

Rusev! I wonder if we’ll have a time period with Roman throwing people out before the next entrant comes out. Which would suck for Rusev who SHOULD be booked somewhat strong, but hey, this is WWE. Booking logic does not apply.

The “by the numbers” video was fucking terrible this year btw. Shitty voice over and just poorly done. Used to be so much better. Hell, my parody is so much better, because I parodied the version that was good . Here it is, btw http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x23wmj … umbers_fun . My favourite video I’ve ever made!

Oh look, Rusev is eliminated already. Yep, looks like Roman will be going through a few guys first. Entrant number 3 is… AJ STYLES!?!?

If AJ gets thrown out early on here, I sense the crowd are gonna die again like last year with Bryan . Ideally he’d be one of the “iron men” in this match, lasting until near the end, but… I have zero faith in WWE booking this guy correctly, and I have even less faith in them booking this match correctly.

PELE KICK~!

STYLES CLA… Nah, Samoan Drop.

Well, AJ has lasted until the next entry at least. And number 4 is Tyler “Vince hates me because I left SD early” Breeze.

Breeze is gone. Yup, Vince hates him. LOL.

Social Jobbers! Ooops, best not say that, don’t wanna get heat!

Curtis Axel is the man entering the match. THE CHAINS ARE OFF .

Fuck me, Axel levels AJ with a knee RIGHT TO THE FACE. And it looked fucking brutal.

Axel with a tribute to his dad, taking that leg bump, before being eliminated. Well, looks like AJ might indeed remain in this for a while along with Roman. Guess WWE realised that the crowd would need SOMEONE to cheer for while Roman was in there .

Yawn, Jericho. Why won’t this guy fucking retire already? He has done NOTHING worth a damn for like 5 fucking years. Maybe more.

Hey guys, AJ Styles is in a WWE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. I’m not marking out or anything, but it IS a pretty surreal moment for sure.

*sigh* here comes Kane. Has Kane been around on TV lately? I… honestly don’t remember the last time I saw him lol. Probs the tag match with Taker at SVS against the Wyatt Family. He’s probably been on every fucking show but the fact I watch Raw in under 10 minutes means I miss… almost everything anyway lol.

AJ, meet Kane. He’s one half of Abyss .

GOLDUST~!

Here comes The Ryback. Watch out, AJ, or Ryback will injure you .

AJ almost got Roman out of the ring, but the commentators are more concerned with Ryback almost going out . BERRYING STYLES ALREADY .

Kofi fucking Kingston. Urgh. I hope as a nice surprise this year, he just gets eliminated normally and no saving himself shit.

Well, I’m having FUN here. They really haven’t made this thing about Roman like I thought they would. While technically they should have because this match IS about him, its just so nice to not hear about him having to overcome the odds every 5 seconds. I approve.

TITUS OH WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB~! Not that he’s terrible or anything, in fact he’s pretty entertaining, but he’s like, the tallest jobber going lol.

Bah, Goldust is gone .

R-Truth? Speaking of guys who still have a job but fuck knows why…

He’s bringing in a ladder. He thinks this is MITB, doesn’t he?

Kane throws him out. I approve of Truth’s involvement in this match .

Dammit Seabs. You called this, didn’t you? New Day on the outside following Kofi around and preventing him from being eliminated. But for some reason they are taking their time putting Kofi BACK in the ring. Giving him a rest?

LUKE HARPER~! Would have been better if he took out A New Day on the floor and eliminated Kofi.

Sheamus, Del Rio and Rusev show up and drag Reigns under the ropes and beat the piss out of him. So Roman will get to lay about on the floor for 20 minutes no doubt.

Stardust in his 8th RR match? EIGHT? Man, hard to believe some of these guys have been around for so long now.

Rusev puts Roman through a table. Yep, Roman gonna nap for a while. And let me guess, instead of throwing Roman back into the ring so like, someone could easily toss him over the ropes and eliminate him… they will just leave him there. Because STUFF.

Big Show NOT number 30? What? How dare they!!!

The man that gravity forget, and the man that the fans didn’t give a shit about.

Kofi got eliminated at some point btw, they just got around to showing us a replay .

Braun Strowman at number 17!!! He POWERS Kane right out of the ring like he was nothing!

Big Show and Strowman face off . Gets more of a reaction than Orton and Cena that one year .

Strowman locks in that submission to Big Show and eliminates the giant!!!

Roman has fucked off to the back for a rest rather than laying on the floor .

Kevin Owens drags himself out to enter the match. He is immediately met by AJ and the crowd go nuts.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT . They keep teasing the bloody Styles Clash but every time he tries, someone breaks it up. And then Owens eliminated him!!! AJ is done at around 28 minutes. He had a good showing, I’m fine with how they handled him here tbh. Fans are still loving him.

And thankfully, the fans haven’t shat on everything because he got eliminated.

Ambrose out next and you gotta believe him and Owens are gonna resume their battle!

SAMI FUCKING ZAYN . And he’s another guy who wants a piece of Owens!!! Zayn eliminates Owens!!! Zayn eliminates Owens!!! OLE!!!

Fans have already forgotten about AJ because SAMI FUCKING ZAYN is here .

Eric Rowan enters next, and now we have THREE of the four Wyatt Family members in this match at once! Rowan launches Neville over the ropes but doesn’t eliminate him, so Harper runs in with a clothesline and finishes the job. The Wyatt Family gonna destroy everyone .

Anyone wanna guess that LESNAR is next?

Well, I was wrong, but we do have THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN MARK HENRY .

If this was during his Hall of Pain run, Henry would fucking CRUSH these 3 hillbillies.

But as such, he gets thrown out pretty quickly .

Dammit, Sami Zayn is thrown out too . Come on Wyatts, get rid of that hack Jericho already, would you?

LESNAR!!! I was just one number off lol. Time for LESNAR to fucking CRUSH EVERYONE .

Bye bye Rowan!!! THE BEAST is reigning supreme!!!

Lesnar and Strowman going at it . Lesnar killing him .

SWAGGER~! Swagger Vs Lesnar!!! Swagger runs right into an F-5 . And that’s it for the Real American .

Fuck me, Lesnar is just… in fucking human. He suplexed Harper half way across the ring like he was a cruiserweight.

Miz . Time for someone to match Santino’s record? Not sure it’s possible to beat 1 second, but tie it? Sure!

Miz decides to join commentary instead.

SUPLEX CITY~!

Harper is eliminated by Lesnar, leaving just Strowman to represent the Wyatt Family for now.

Here comes the FORMER US champion, Alberto Del Rio. And he runs right into Lesnar. Smart move, dumbass.

And there. Goes. Strowman! Brock Lesnar is KING.

Seriously though, why the fuck is Jericho still there? Come on Brock, kill him already.

Bray comes out at #27, and he’s all alone now. And Brock is waiting for him!!!

The Wyatt Family though are still out here, and they jump Brock!!! Will a 4 on 1 assault be what’s needed to eliminate THE BEAST from this match? Brock fights back and takes out the Wyatts AGAIN!!! Nice try, Bray.

Bray Wyatt, welcome to SUPLEX CITY, BITCH!!!

Here come the Wyatt Family AGAIN, and this time they dump BROCK LESNAR over the ropes!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . Oh god if this means Bray wins…

Come on Brock. UNLEASH THE BEAST and murder everyone.

Dolph Ziggler at number 28. Miz finally runs into the match and tries to eliminate Dolph from behind. Fails, but still lands the Skull Crushing Finale . Oh god if Miz elminates Dolph .

Dammit, Jericho ruined it. Like he ruins everything by being awful.

#29 about to reveal himself and it’s… SHEAMUS. But from behind comes ROMAN REIGNS~! And the fans shit all over him .

Miz gone. Del Rio gone. So its not all bad .

Here comes #30. Who is it? Who is it?

Oh ffs, its Triple H. If he wins I’ll scream. Loud.

I suppose now I’m rooting for… ummm… I guess Bray . Things are so bad I am now rooting for a guy I didn’t want to win . Well done, WWE. Well done.

Dolph gets BERRIED.

Dolph gets eliminated.

Bray and HHH staredown . KILL HIM, BRAY. KILL HIM!!!

YES! BRAY ATTACKS THE GAME!!!

Bray gets kicked in the face by Sheamus, and he and HHH eliminate him. Oh god HHH really IS winning, isn’t he? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

WHY IS JERICHO STILL HERE??? Does he have it in his contract that he has to last 50+ minutes in every RR or something? Fuck me, finally, just as I write that, Ambrose throws him out .

Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Dean Ambrose and Triple H are our final four this year. I don’t want any of them to be champion. But one will be. Because this is WWE. And they don’t like giving fans what we want. EVER.

Sheamus is gone.

TRIPLE H ELIMINATES ROMAN REIGNS~!

Triple H and Dean Ambrose are the final 2 men, and one of these two will be the NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!

I guess I’m now rooting for Dean lol. He isn’t ideal, but at least he isn’t HHH.

Out goes Dean, and HHH is now a 14 time champion. Triple H, in 2016, is our champion.

Well, winner aside, this was one hell of a rumble match tbh. I had a TON of fun, and that’s all I asked for. Sure, the booking could have been better, but all in all I liked this and I’ll definitely not have a problem re-watching it at any time.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4.5