Category: Written Reviews

Judgment Day 2003

 

ARE YOU READY TO ACCEPT YOUR FATE?

 

And our fate is apparently having the PPV open with… and in ring segment. Because they don’t have enough time on Raw and SD every week to talk…

 

So Austin comes out and tells us he’s not gonna take up much time because this show isn’t about him, it’s about the matches. Yet he took the time to come out to the ring to tell us… he’s watching the show in a skybox. I see why that was needed…

 

John Cena & The FBI Vs Chris Benoit, Rhyno & Spanky

 Cena on the first match of the night. The fuck was the last time we saw that on a PPV? Liked his promo though, plenty of MAFIA references.

 Cena getting beat up by Spanky. I miss the FBI, wish they’d done more with them. A full blown MAFIA group in wrestling should be the most awesome thing ever, but they always end up turning them into a joke (WCW did it, then WWE did it). Remember their WCW theme? A knock off of the Godfather theme, and it was awesome . Also liked the FBI’s WWE theme… but not the one from this event. Not sure when they got it but it was awesome.

Oh man, Palumbo with a big ass cigar in his mouth while beating down Spanky early on is .

HOT TAG TO BENOIT~! Benoit fucking murdering bitches. Uhhhh, poor phrasing . GORE! GORE! GORE TO NUNZIO (who isn’t in the match)!!!

Match has quickly turned into a crazy all out MAFIA WAR.

KISS OF DEATH TO SPANKY, and he gets pinned while Benoit is busy applying the Crossface to Cena and Rhyno is… laying around or something.

Damn, this was SHORT, but awesomely fun. Spanky bleeding below the eye added to it too right at the end.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Austin in his skybox, Bischoff shows up and wonders what’s going on. The skybox is for both of them. So they decide to watch the show together.

 

Test & Scott Steiner Vs La Resistance

 no chance in fucking HELL.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Gegory Helms and Mr America backstage accusing each other of being someone else. Nah, I don’t buy it .

 

EDDIE GUERRERO . Revealing his new tag partner while Chavo is… I don’t care, Chavo ain’t around and that’s awesome. Even more awesome that TAJIRI is his new partner .

 

Team Angle Vs Eddie Guerrero & Tajiri – WWE Tag Team Championship Ladder match

Chavo apparently tore his bicept during the tour of England. Hmmmm… I was at a show during that very tour… YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING .

Sweet jebus Eddie nearly kills himself running into a ladder right at the start of the match lol! And the ladder falls down and almost levels a fan!!!

THE FUCK WAS THAT?  Not really that funny, Tajiri nearly killed himself with a botched… something over the ropes, then Eddie goes for a plancha and… uhhh… Shelton just kinda ignores him and Eddie looks hurt too.

 Ladder pointed at Charlie’s balls… Eddie and Tajiri dropkick one side of the ladder each. SQUASH~!

Hi-Lo to Hass who is in a ladder sandwhich. Mmmmmm… ladder sandwhich.

POWER SLAM INTO THE LADDER. Eddie looks like he’s dead.

HOLY FUCK . Team Angle doing their double team move using ladders . Did they name the move? Because I can’t be fucked describing it lol.

TAJIRI KICKS .

Oh man that monkey flip spot . Awesome.

 Shelton is basically feeling up Eddie’s ass while trying to prevent him from climbing the ladder. Perve. Tajiri shoots his green mist in his eyes as punishment .

NEW TAG CHAMPS!!! EDDIE AND TAJIRI WIN!!!

This is a fuck load of fun. I understand why it’s kind of a forgotten ladder match that never really gets brought up though. It’s fun but nothing special. Only really one unique spot and some of the match is all over the place but that could work for the match with the story being that Team Angle are PURE WRASSLERS and not sure how to have a ladder match.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

More Austin and Bischoff stuff. Austin seems to be making Eric eat crappy food and drink beer.

 

Terri’s tits are interviewing Jericho. PIPER~! They mock each other. Ha. Fun stuff tbh.

 

Chris Jericho Vs Christian Vs Booker T Vs Val Venis Vs Goldust Vs Lance Storm Vs RVD Vs Kane Vs Test – Intercontinental Championship Battle Royal

Pat Patterson coming out to Mae Young’s theme song . He gets to present the winner with the belt.

VAL VENIS RETURN . He got fired by Bischoff after being Chief Morley for a while. Austin hired him back as Val.

 at terrible Booker T entrance dub. As if his normal one wasn’t bad enough. So this match features all former IC champs… except for Booker T.

Storm goes first, followed by Kane after everyone gangs up on him. Kane doesn’t give a fuck and comes back in anyway, destroying everyone just for the hell of it.

Test, Val and RVD all get chokeslammed and the remaining superstars eliminate them with ease! Final four are Booker T & Goldust and Christian & Jericho . Mini tag match here!

DOUBLE SHATTERED DREAMS~!

SPINAROONIE~! Goldust tries to eliminate Booker right after, but gets it turned around on him . I want Goldust to be champ .

Normally when this sort of thing happens (2 heels working over a babyface) in multiman matches, it can get real fucking dull. Here it doesn’t, which is like, yey for me. Christian and Jericho have great chemistry together which helps.

 Christian shoves Jericho over the ropes during a Lionsault attempt. Awesome elimination!!!

Great little finishing stretch to this one. The ONE referee watching over the battle royal (  ) gets knocked out, and Christian gets eliminated! Booker’s music plays, Patterson goes to present the title to him, but Christian decks him! Lays out Booker, throws him over the ropes while the ref recovers and CHRISTIAN wins!!! Ha! Take THAT, Booker T!!!

Fun match. They got rid of the bulk of people and left us with a tag situation, and from there it was really good. Christian winning over Booker makes me happy too .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

HALF NAKED TORRIE FAP FAP AND SABLE FAP FAP. OIL~!

 

Torrie Wilson Vs Sable – Bikini Contest

FAP. TIMES INFINITY.

A million stars. Kinda.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Mr America Vs Roddy Piper

 absolutely fucking NO.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H Vs Kevin Nash – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Yey HBK and Flair at ringside just like Insurrextion. Hopefully they brawl too so this doesn’t suck too bad .

Dammit, they DO brawl, but are sent right to the back . So we are left with HHH and Nash.

BIG BOOT. ELBOW. BACK BODY DROP. SIDE SLAM. KNEE TO THE GUT. That’s Nash’s shit out of the way…

Terrible pu… wait, what? HHH is actually… hitting decent punches. The fuck happened to him? And what the FUCK is this? Nash is actually PUNCHING instead of elbowing!!!

 at Hebner dragging NASH off of HHH with his hair. SUPER HEBNER!!!

 so much for super Hebner, he just got mauled by HHH.

Nash no sells a punch, so HHH kicks him in the balls .

Pedigree. Continue brawling. Sledgehammer to Earl to get himself DQ’d.

Powerbomb.

Powerbomb through the announce table.

Urgh.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Bischoff throws up.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Jacqueline Vs Victoria Vs Jazz – Women’s Championship

Ha.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Brock Lesnar Vs The Big Show – WWE Championship Stretcher Match

 can’t wait to watch this one again!!!

17 years since the last stretcher match in the WWE. Why? Because the first one was so fucking awful .

Lesnar wasting NO FUCKING TIME here, swinging the stretcher with all his power right onto the back of Show. Despite the fact the stretcher isn’t made out of the most solid material, that just HAS to hurt.

Speaking of hurting… SHOW swinging that stretcher has to hurt even more. Ouch!!!

CHOKESLAM!!! I miss Big Show’s old Chokeslams. He got some real fucking height on them and slammed them down with FORCE. Not like these days where they look like shit.

LEG DROP~! Lesnar bouncing to sell it looked amazing. Lesnar goes on a stretcher, but fights Show and gets a fucking clothesline, knocking him backwards off the stretcher and over the line!!! Man, I love Lesnar bouncing around. This is the kind of stuff I was hoping for at their RR match, but we all know how that turned out .

TUG OF WAR WITH THE STRETCHER~! Show wins . So how does he celebrate? DESTROYS THE STRETCHER! Because… uhhhh… he didn’t like that one. He takes the padding from it and places it on another one .

Big Show knocked off the apron right onto a stretcher!!! But he bounces off and lands hard on the floor. Poor Lesnar has to try and pick the giant up off the floor and onto a stretcher. GOOD LUCK.

Apparently Lesnar decides it’s too much to handle and fucks off. Show wins via forfit? 

REY MYSTERIO’S MUSIC~! WHAT? Lesnar disappears and out comes Rey? LESNAR IS REY MYSTERIO!!!

 Rey comes out for revenge and gets killed.

LESNAR HAS A FORKLIFT~! Nearly brought down the entire JD set lol.

DIVE OFF THE FORKLIFT~!

SUPLEX TO BIG SHOW~!

F-5 TO BIG SHOW~!

Lesnar rolls the giant onto a stretcher that’s placed on the forklift, and over the line he goes! Lesnar retains!!!

Well, 17 years earlier a god awful stretcher match took place. At this event, we get a fucking GOOD stretcher match!!! Watching these 2 beat the shit out of each other is always .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 5

Insurrextion 2003

 

Last UK only PPV. No surprise really because they usually always sucked. We would eventually get TV tapings over here so it’s all good.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Jazz – WWE Women’s Championship Match

First match and I’m already going NO. Good start!

Rating: NO

CAL SCALE – -1

 

Christian Vs Booker T – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Oh god. I really wanna skip this match because I remember being bored to fucking tears back in 03 when this seemingly never ending feud was going on. I swear my memory of these two is of them having about 10 fucking matches in a row . Likely not the case, but that’s how it felt. I was not, and still aren’t, a fan of Booker T. However, I DO love Christian. I wasn’t fond of him back then though, it took his WM match with Jericho for me to jump on the “bandwagon”. So I’ll give this a watch to see if Christian was good back in 03 too. Maybe he can pull something half decent out of the useless Booker T.

Fucks sake, that terrible Booker T theme dub again.

 starting writing this on Jan 17th 2014. It’s now March 3rd 2014 and I’m only just getting back to the show. The thought of sitting through a Booker T match killed me for 2 months .

 I just looked at the first match to remind myself what happened… and I didn’t even watch it . Taken me 2 months to even begin watching ONE match .

Booker slams Christian around early on, then Christian uhhh… somehow gets in control and I genuinely don’t remember how and fuck going back and watching it again lol. Yey sleeper hold… exciting…

Ha, Booker crotched himself on the ropes. Now maybe Christian can get some good shizzle in and… rest hold. Fucks sake. 09-current Christian would probably disown this Christian.

Fuck me this match is basically just Booker T dominating Christian, Christian getting about 2 rest holds in and then MOVES until Christian cheats to win. It wasn’t horrible to watch because at least they were always doing something… but it wasn’t good.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Austin books Teddy in a 6 man tag. Kane randomly walks up from behind and uhhhh… they stare at each other and Austin asks if he has a problem with him.

 

Kane & RVD Vs La Resistance – World Tag Team Championship Match

Oh, so that’s why the Kane/Austin staredown happened. Austin tried to motivate Kane into being a monster again on Raw, but it didn’t work so he Stunned him lol.

“These two guys look like they dressed in Elton John’s closet”  JR rules.

“We hate Frenchies” chant . AWESOME.

This match was basic as basic gets. RVD shows up the young uns early on, then they get the advantage. Control for a while doing absolutely nothing noteworthy, then a hot tag to Kane and the finish.

Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Al Snow is a backstage interviewer apparently. The fuck? Goldust .  it’s his crazy spaz days. Awesome.

 

Rico Vs Goldust

 I’m actually looking forward to this match. GOLDUST .

“You Screwed Bret” for about 4 fans  poor Earl.

Some nice kicks by Rico! Loved the spot where he smacks Goldust in the back of the head and Goldust falls against the ropes, but comes flying back with a LARIAT .

 slap exchanges .

Rico is an odd one here. No, not his gimmick lol. He shows signs of being a really good worker… then seconds later he can look more lost than the passengers of Oceanic 815. Makes for an odd match lol.

 JR loves Pussy Galore.

Goldust sets up for the… shit, I can’t remember the damn name of it lol. SHATTERED DREAMS. There we go. The ref gets in the way so Goldust just casually puts his arm around him and walks him to the other side of the ring .

Quick powerslam from Goldie gets the win!!!

This was fun. Had some ups and downs but I liked it overall. Might end up being MOTN .

Rating: **1/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

HIGHLIGHT REEL TIME . I see they couldn’t afford to ship over his set . Just a small bit of red material on the mat and 2 shitty stools . Ha, shitty stools.

Jericho berates Newcastle . Bischoff is his guest on the show. God I miss Bischoff’s theme song. Was awesome. At least I own that Anthology CD set with it on .

Let’s sum up this segment up to the point Austin shows up:

Tossers

Football

Fish & Chips

Bad Teeth

Mad Cow Disease

Gotta love (aka bored to absolute death of) those generic English references lol. Damn fat stupid yanks can’t come up with anything new  .

 Austin claims they are ruining a perfectly good PPV. Ummmm, fairly certain this segment is the highlight of the night lol. All 3 guys go back and forth with each other and involve the crowd and all demonstrate some great mic work. Me likely.

 

The Dudley Boys Vs Christopher Nowenski, Rodney Mack & Teddy Long

BACK THE MACK~!

 Teddy looks like he’s about to cry stood on the apron .

Oh fuck me D-von and Mack going back and forth with quick pin exchanges to start and fuck me it looks AWFUL. Sloppy execution of basic fucking roll ups and they even look like they are half arsing kick outs .

 Nowenski gets tagged in and D-Von continues to be awful with a DREADFUL small package. Yes, D-Von’s small package is dreadful .

TEDDY LONG VS SPIKE DUDLEY . Battle of the skinny arms!!!

Boring stuff, hot tag and The Dudley’s start dominating and attempt to bring out the tables. Spike ends up alone with Teddy and wins. Yawnathon.

Nowenski goes through a table after the match to make the fans happy as per usual.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Test Vs Scott Steiner – Special Guest RefereeVal Venis

 oh god no.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H Vs Kevin Nash – World Heavyweight Championship Street Fight

 they just show the video package for BAD BLOOD rather than making one for Insurrextion like they normally would. So the video is hyping up a HIAC match but we only get a street fight .

HBShizzle at ringside with Nash. Flair with HHH.

 2 minutes into this match and FLAIR is bleeding. Yes. Flair. The Manager . HHH and Nash are having a shitty brawl on one side and HBK/Flair are taking all the attention away from them .

LOL, referees try to break up HBK/Flair, so Nash just shoves them all out of the way and lets them go at it again, but they end up buggering off backstage and we are stuck with just HHH and Nash .

 HHH and Nash are at the top of the ramp. Now if only they could fuck off backstage too… .

HHH gets flashbacks of JD (I think?) as Nash attempts to put him through the announce table, and manages to escape without that happening again. GOD FORBID SOMETHING EXCITING HAPPENS IN THIS MATCH HUH HHH?

Oh hey, look over there, it’s HHH clearly blading! 

 my version of the show just died on me . I SHOULD take it as a sign, but eh, I’ve come this far I might as well finish it. Better be on the Youtube or something…

Ok found it on Dailymotion. Yey…

Ref bump in a street fight, is there ANY FUCKING POINT lol?

Flair! Chair! Boot to his face!

HHH decks Nash in the head with the chair. Another ref but Nash kicks out. Urgh, this is still going lol.

Double team to Nash until HBK shows up once again. SUPERKICK TO FLAIR~!

PEDIGREE TO HBK~!

JACKKNIFE TO HHH~! But Earl is dead and the other ref got taken out by HHH so Nash just covers HHH until MINI FLAIR shows up and… gets attacks by BIG FLAIR .

Nash and Flair go at it allowing HHH to recover and deck Nash with the Sledgehammer. Earl finally wakes up and thank fuck this is done.

Best parts of this match involved 2 people who weren’t even in the damn thing .

What a terrible “PPV”.

Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – -0.5

Backlash 2003

 

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBERG. GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBER. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING.

 

Team Angle Vs Los Guerreros – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

I saw someone say this was the WORST PPV of 2003 a couple of days ago. Wondering if I’ll think the same, but this being the opener pretty much ensures ONE really good match on the show which could prevent it from being THE worst. We’ll see. Besides, I might end up thinking this sucks . Chavo IS in the match after all.

 at Team Angle walking around with a picture of Angle to place in their corner while Angle is out with a BROKEN FREAKIN NECK.

 at Tazz literally saying that being smart won’t help Hass in the ring AT ALL.

 at Chavo ONLY getting chants because Eddie basically forces the crowd to chant for him . Then the crowd BOO when Eddie tags him in .

 BORING chants for Chavo . Backlash 03 crowd might be my favouritist evaz!!!

Eddie senses that they are losing the fans so he comes in and smashes Shelton in the face a few times with a forearm. CHANT BORING TO THAT YOU FUCKS. 

Some nice LIE CHEAT AND STEAL stuff from Los Guerreros. Fans love it. Eddie rules.

Nice to see the referee doing the old stupid decisions crap FOR the babyfaces in the match. Eddie and Chavo don’t make real tags, instead just clap their own hands behind the ref’s back, and the ref allows it because the fans cheer and pretend like they did tag. More babyfaces need to cheat nowadays. Freshens things up and stops the whole BLACK AND WHITE crap between heels and faces. Give us some shades of grey. So long as it isn’t 50 .

Team Angle resort to stealing the Guerrero’s CHEATING stuff . Eddie FIP . Good job it was Eddie doing it because I can’t get behind Chavo. I end up cheering for the other team who are working him over .

Oh man Eddie gets SO FUCKING CLOSE on a number of occasions to getting a tag. I mean WOW. Those were some AWESOME cut offs.

Then the ACTUAL tag is fucking awesome too. Looks more like a flap jack to Eddie, who just so happens to fly into Chavo .

Despite being fairly new, Team Angle did a pretty damn good job working over Eddie. A couple of moments where they’d try and sit in a hold but it seemed Eddie wasn’t having any of it and kept them on the move lol.

POWERBOMB TO CHAVO. Awesome.

Chavo is utterly useless after the hot tag, so Eddie comes in TWICE illegally and hits some big moves on Hass for Chavo to just cover and get the win. Chavo fails at that . Then Chavo gets screwed and pinned. Team Angle wins.

Yeah this fucking rules. I gotta watch those SD matches between them that are (or one of them at least) even better. I always liked them but never got the “truly awesome MOTYC” feeling from them. But if any of them are legit better than this then… .

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Test backstage coming on to Torrie even though he’s with Stacy. Calls her a tease. Forces himself on her. Then Sable shows up and… follows her? I’m not sure. LOL.

 

Rikishi Vs Sean O’Haire

ROWDY RODDY PIPER .

Remember when O’Haire was the next big thing? LOL. That lasted all of about a month . Which is a shame because I always liked him, and his character was interesting too.

Rikishi’s mum is suffering from… AN ILLNESS. Way to be specific Cole. For all I know she could have the shits.

Wasn’t expecting much from this, and I ended up being somewhat surprised. Aside from O’Haire using a neck crank submission thingy that looked like shit, this had a ton of fun exchanges and unique spots. DOUBLE SUPERKICK. Both men are down!

O’Haire LAUNCHING Rikishi out of the corner onto his arse to avoid a stink face was awesome. Nice finisher from O’Haire too which looked impressive on a guy the size of the Kish.

PIPER IS BLEEDING~! He got decked with a coconut. REVENGE FOR SNUKA 20 YEARS LATER LOL.

Nothing special, but hell, I’m glad I didn’t skip it and throw a big NO at it .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Sable. Stacy. Fap. Sable is trying to create tension between Stacy and Torrie. Tells Stacy that Torrie kissed Test and stuff. All of this would somehow lead to Sable and Torrie having a sort of lesbian friendship. Yeah. Fap.

 

RVD and Kane. RVD is terrible, dude. Not cool. His WWE promos are so cheesy and shit. Kane doesn’t help things either.

 

Kane & RVD Vs The Dudley Boys – Special Referee Chief Morley – World Tag Team Championship Match

WE MISS REGAL sign .

Both teams are faces, but Morley (formally Val Venis) hates RVD and Kane and wants the tag belts off them, and apparently he’s fine with THOSE DAMN DUDLEYS as champs…

BUBBA. RAY. DUDLEY. Best version of mocking RVD’s thumbs crap ever .

Love how RVD does all his spinny kicky fancy shit only for Bubba to constantly crash into his face with a clothesline .

Match picks up a bit when Kane tags in and starts destroying people, then starts a little FIP segment but is too pick to keep down and tags RVD in.

And then the match kinda gets dull. I can’t get behind RVD, and honestly the Dudley Boys ain’t doing much to make their control segment that interesting either. HUGE difference between this and the SD tag titles match.

Very cold tag to Kane. Then RVD is back in seconds later like nothing happened.

EPIC neckbreaker from Devon to RVD from the ropes.

LOW BLOW TO KANE BY MORLEY. Then he accidentally levels Bubba with a clothesline. Devon kills him.

LANCE STORM. Takes out Devon, then gets a Bubba Bomb lol. 3-D to Morley. Fuck me this is a clusterfuck finish .

Chokeslam to Bubba, followed by a 5 Star, then a new referee shows up to count the 3. LOL.

Eh, this wasn’t that good. Boring mostly, with a clusterfuck finish.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

FAP FIGHT! I MEAN CAT FIGHT. STACY AND TORRIE GOING AT IT. FAP.

 

Jazz Vs Trish Stratus – WWE Women’s Championship Match

 like I’m gonna sit through this.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

NWO REUNION~! And by that I mean HBK, Booker T and Kevin Nash . Oh shit, I forget what the Raw main event is on this show. 6 man tag.

 

The Big Show Vs Rey Mysterio

Oooooo this could be a TON of fun. TON. FUN. OF.

Rey is playing MIND GAMES with Show right from the start, running out of the ring and teasing getting back in, then when Show comes out after him, Mysterio gets back in the ring and dropkicks Show in the face . Show is PISSED OFF and kicks the steel steps.

And then Show finally gets his hands on Rey and the gaint is in control. Always love the spot where Show grabs a guy by the HEAD and lifts them up onto the apron . Was even better here when Rey went all the way up to the second rope instead of just the apron .

CHOP TO THE BACK~! Rey is in serious trouble. So what does he do? CHEAT!! Steel chair to the skull behind the referee’s back!!! Senton off the ropes, but that still doesn’t get the job done.

619 TO SHOW’S GUT! THEN TO HIS BUTT! THEN TO THE FACE!!! WEST COAST POP… NAH. Show catches him by the throat, Chokeslams him to fucking hell and gets the win.

Short but ever so sweeeeeeeet. Tons of fun. Aftermath with Show swinging Rey while on a fucking STRETCHER BOARD is incredible.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

STACY AND TORRIE FAP FAP are still fighting. Stacy gets pushed into something and then a box falls off the top onto her head and Torrie looks HORRIFIED . Not sure it was supposed to fall on her . Steiner shows up to help Stacy then Test shows up to scream at things.

 

Brock Lesnar Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

THIS IS JAIL BROCK, WE INMATES, AND YOU JUST DROPPED THE SOAP!

Damn, Cena beat EDDIE GUERRERO, UNDERTAKER AND BENOIT in the title tournament to get this match. Don’t remember any of the matches lol.

Cena tries to gain the upper hand from the get go, but Lesnar just shrugs him off and MAULS HIM. 

Brock almost looks like a HEEL for the first 5 or so minutes with the way he’s beating the fuck out of Cena, shoving the title in his face and mocking him lol.

 Brock goes BACK FIRST into the steel steps… and gets busted open above his eye . SUPER CENA CAN DO ANYTHING~!

Sadly, SUPER CENA can’t do EVERYTHING. He can barely keep me interested as he works over Lesnar. Some stuff is ok, I like him really targeting the open wound of Lesnar, but as fun as that can be, he sucks the life out of stuff by applying a rest hold.

Lesnar’s comeback is  at least.

 Cena botches a clothesline so bad it forces Tazz to stutter.

Cena tries to cheat a few times, but in the end gets an F-5 and this match gives us the result that their Extreme Rules match should have gotten. LESNAR WINS.

Match is decent at best. Lesnar is great, but fuck, Cena is dull as shit 90% of the time. He really brings the match down.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Shawn Michaels, Kevin Nash & Booker T Vs Triple H, Ric Flair & Chris Jericho

NWO Vs Evolution + Jericho. LOL.

I remember  like FUCK back in 03 when Nash returned. BIG DADDY COOL was always a favourite of mine.

Over the years I’ve seen a bunch of big main event tag matches that throw in some of the big stars at the time, and man oh man have I LOVED them. Undertaker & Batista Vs Cena & HBK from No Way Out 07 is just tremendous for starters. And don’t even get me started on some from WCW in 92. DANGEROUS ALLIANCE VS WCW. Oh god . So on PAPER this one looks like it could be a ton of fun. HBK, OLD MAN FLAIR, Jericho kinda. Then the shitty guys like HHH, Nash and Booker can keep their shit to a minimum by not being in the match too long and sticking to JUST the few things they can do half decently.

However, I watched this a few years ago expecting it to be fun and maybe matching up to some of those other big tags. Sadly I found that it sucked . Maybe I was missing something before. Maybe THIS is the watch where I love it. Maybe Lita will come and blow me.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? What did they do to Booker’s theme music? WHY? Isn’t it a fucking WWE OWNED THEME? Why the FUCK did they dub some really shitty generic version over it? Not that his theme is great to begin with but fuck me. This is just terrible.

HHH teases starting the match with Nash, but pussies out. So instead we get HBK Vs Jericho who are sort of continuing their WM XIX feud… but it never really goes anywhere like I thought it would. They have a pretty great match on Raw in like, JULY, but aside from that HBK moves on to a small feud with Flair, and Jericho… does something for a month or so then moves on to Nash once Nash gets done with HHH. Oh yeah, he faces GOLDBERG, right? SD in 03 was doing great… Raw was like they didn’t know what the fuck they were doing for the most part.

Poor Flair. Tags in, misses an elbow and lets Booker T tag out .

SUPERKICK~!

PEDIGREE~!

Wow, seems kinda early to be throwing out finishers.

Oh well, allows HBK to be the one doing the FIP, as I was afraid it would be Booker T (yeah, I’ve seen the match before but I don’t remember shit lol).

Oh god HHH and HBK brawling. STOP IT.

Huh, Nash got a hot tag in. I barely noticed. This has been DULL AS SHIT. Nothing to talk about. At all.

LIONSAULT TO HBK WHILE HE’S STUCK IN A FIGURE FOUR. Most interesting thing to happen since the 2 random finishers early into the match.

Sledgehammer shot to Nash. It’s over. Thankfully.

Bad. Bad bad bad.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Rock Vs Goldberg

Urgh. If this wasn’t the main event I’d just move on to the next match.

 at Rock getting caught up in the ropes when he tries to sell the POWAH of Goldberg by bouncing out of the ring.

About 3 minutes into the match and… ROCK BOTTOM BY GOLDBERG. Followed by… SPEAR! TO THE RING POST. And luckily Goldberg didn’t go head first into it and knock himself out this time. Then again maybe if he did that they’d have stopped the match…

Rock applies some weird leg submission hold. Like a modified Sharpshooter, only it looks like shit .

SPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE. LOL. Nice hope spot tbh.

GOLBOR! Man, Coach is an A+ commentator…

Rock hits some finishers. Golbor kicks out. Absolutely NOTHING happens in between the finishers.

Spear. Entire minute of standing around waiting for Rock to stand back up. Spear. Jackhammer. Win.

Well, shockingly enough this blew…

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 5

SummerSlam 2003

 

 sign guy has a dart board sign with a picture of Vince’s face in the middle .

 

The Dudley Boys Vs La Resistance – World Tag Team Championship Match

Those damn Frenchies have the WORLD tag titles, so the Dudley Boys need to bring them back to AMERICA where they belong. Apparently. LOL.

 at DUPREE using a BEARHUG on BUBBA RAY. Spike Dudley might as well try the same thing on Viscera.

Wow this was uneventful as fuck. Rob Conway was dressed as a camera man and costs the Dudley Boys the match.

Terrible opener lol.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs A-Train

UNDERTAKER~!

Sable joining A-Train for this match! HAIRY GUYS GET ALL THE PUSSY~!

Undertaker’s ribs have been fucked since Vengeance against Cena, and A-Train has been attacking them for weeks on Smackdown. Undertaker being one of the GOATs knows how to wrestle a match with an injury. Love something as basic as him getting A-Train into the corner but not following up with punches, instead backing off and going on the defence just in case the big man counters and traps HIM in the corner.

OLD SCHOOL~! A-Train is down!

Shot to the ribs by A-Train, and Undertaker is fucking PISSED. He runs towards the giant hairy beast who uses the Dead Man’s own momentum against him, sending him over the ropes!

Now it’s time for A-Train to really target those injured ribs.

I like how the commentators tell us that Sable is “with” A-Train because A-Train is helping out Vince McMahon. So basically, Vince is pimping out Sable. LOL. No wonder Lesnar left the company!!! 

BIG BACK THROW~! No Tazz, it’s called a BACK SUPLEX. I thought you were the former wrestler who is there to call the moves that Cole is clueless about (so like, all of them).

PUNCHES~! Undertaker is making a comeback with some huge rights to the face of A-Train! APRON LEG DROP~!

LAST RIDE~! A-Train throws Undertaker into the referee. DE-RAILER! Undertaker kicks out!!!

UNDERTAKER KILLS THE REFEREE.

BYCYCLE KICK! UNDERTAKER IS OUT!

Referee is down so… steel chair of course! Undertaker boots it back into A-Train’s face! But the ref takes his time making a pin.

TOMBSTONE~! REVERSAL~! CHOKESLAM~! 3 COUNT!!! Not often we see a Chokeslam win a match lol, even in 2003!

Undertaker has won but he ain’t done! Goes for a Last Ride and Sable starts rubbing his chest. Which causes Undertaker to grab her by the throat, and hold her while STEPHANIE FAP FAP returns to get her some of Sable. Did STEPHANIE FAP FAP have a second boob job btw? Because I don’t remember them being THIS BIG in 2002 lol.

Good match. Undertaker rules as always, and A-Train is mostly a very underrated big man. He works the ribs well and they have a nice finishing stretch too.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Shane McMahon Vs Eric Bischoff

I don’t really understand this match/feud. It was basically KANE VS SHANE and somehow Bischoff ends up… there. LOL.

So, 2 non wrestlers having… a match. This isn’t even a No DQ or anything either I don’t think.

 it is rather amusing watching Shane maul Bischoff. THIS IS FOR NEARLY PUTTING MY DADDY OUT OF BUSINESS YOU CUNT~!

THE COACH JUST TURNED HEEL! HE JUST DECKED SHANE WITH A CHAIR! OMG!

Bischoff makes the match No DQ and Falls Count Anywhere.

 THE COACH JUST TURNED HEEL.

.

Seriously, of all the people to pick to help him, Bischoff went with THE COACH? 

King and JR’s mic get shut off and COACH calls the match in the ring while holding Shane for Bischoff. LOL. This is TERRIBLE.

Shane makes a comeback, then being 2 on 1 gets taken down again so Austin shows up to even the odds. But Austin can’t attack anyone unless physically provoked. So Shane shoves COACH into Austin. And Austin kills him.

 Shane and Austin REALLY kick the shit out of the poor guy. You know how when a couple of guys stomp on someone and it looks fake as shit… well not here . It’s like they WANT to hurt him for real.

Shane slaps Austin with Bischoff’s hand, and Austin stuns him. BUT BISCHOFF KICKS OUT!!! Awwww what a shame, that just means Shane has to kill him some more. Elbow table spot. BISCHOFF IS DEAD. SHANE WINS.

This match is… . It’s terrible but in the most hilarious way possible. THEY TURNED THE COACH HEEL . And in the end it didn’t even matter . Shane still wins .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Fuck me they are hyping up WRESTLEMANIA 20 already!

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Chris Benoit Vs Rhyno Vs Tajiri – United States Championship Match

Look at those participants. LOOK AT THAT FUCKING TALENT. FAP FAP FUCKING FAAAAAAAAAAAP.

 Eddie turned on EVERYONE in this match at some point . Video showing him attacking them all on SD is GOAT. Levels his former best friend Benoit, then turns on his partner that night Rhyno, then is about to leave and figures “what the fuck” and decks his former partner Tajiri too .

But this isn’t just about EDDIE VS THE WORLD, because Benoit and Rhyno have some issues too. Rhyno GORED Benoit at vengeance allowing Eddie to win the US title.

EDDIE CHANTS~! The beginning of Eddie being the most popular wrestler probably on the PLANET lol.

FUCK ME. Benoit just charges at Rhyno with a running knee and smashes it right into his ribs and keeps on going until he smashes into the corner lol. DON’T FUCK WITH BENOIT.

 Benoit and Tajiri interactions. Did they have a singles match… ever? Or at least around this time period? *looks* Just 2 on Raw in 2005. DO WANT.

LASSO FROM EL PASO~! Rhyno comes in to break it up, but gets caught by Benoit and put in a Crossface!  at Eddie’s face as he realises that Rhyno could tap first and cost him the title!!! Awesome little sequence .

DOUBLE A SPINEBUSTER TO TAJIRI~! TAJIRI KICKS OUT~!  Rhyno can be seen looking up and talking to himself. Probably saying “HOW DID THAT NOT WORK? FOR THE LOVE OF ARN HOW DID THAT NOT WORK?!?!”.

GORE TO EDDIE! BUT EDDIE HAD THE US TITLE BELT WITH HIM AND IT PROTECTED THE CHAMP!!! Ha, awesome.

Bugger me, THAT was a near fall. Headbutt to Rhyno while Tajiri is caught in a tree of woe, cover… then Tajiri manages to escape and flop over Benoit to break up the pin lol.

Rhyno is still out… FROG SPLASH~! EDDIE WINS! STILL THE CHAMP!

 this rules in all kinds of ways. 4 super talented guys going at it. Exactly what you would expect.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Brock Lesnar Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND~!

So I’ve had this match at ***** for a LONG time. I last watched it around 3 years ago when I was putting together my top 100 WWF/E Matches list… and boy did it ever hold up. Which honestly surprised me a little, but it’s awesome when matches hold up even when I wasn’t sure it would. Can it hold its place as a ***** match this time around? I fucking hope so! 

Backstory for those who don’t remember/didn’t watch at the time. Angle lost the WWE Title to Brock at WM. Angle went away for neck surgery. He returned as a babyface and he and Lesnar had a “competitive rivarly” type friendship. Triple threat at Vengeance with Big Show for the title, and Angle won it back. Vince McMahon gets involved, turns Brock heel and Brock claims that Angle stopped being his friend when he took away HIS WWE Title. So now Lesnar wants it back. Simples.

Early going sees some AMATEUR WRASSLING, with Brock trying to show Angle up, but Angle is a fecking GOLD MEDALIST and not even Brock can hang with him. So if mat wrestling ain’t gonna work, he gotta us that POWER.

But even the POWER doesn’t work too well as Angle uses his speed and keeps countering THE BEAST at every oppertunity, and Lesnar is fucked! Starts throwing shit around on the outside, then grabs the WWE Title and begins to leave with it, causing Angle to chase after him!

OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY . And the commentators ACTUALLY CALLED THE MOVE!!! Normally they call it a “throw” or simply a “belly to belly” and both are fucking wrong and dumb. MORONS.

PRESS SLAM OVER THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR~! Angle is dead or something.

OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY… AND LESNAR DOESN’T FALL DOWN AFTER DOING THE SUPLEX~! HOLY FUCK THAT ALWAYS LOOKS IMPRESSIVE AS HELL. 

Man oh man, Angle running FULL SPEED into Lesnar and crashing into him was awesome, and made even more awesome when Lesnar barely fucking moved!!! Love how much it takes for Angle to FINALLY knock Lesnar down, only for Brock to give him an overhead belly to belly and fuck him up again.

ANGLE SLAM~! No, Lesnar reverses!

F-5~! No, Angle reverses!!!

ANGLE SLAM~! LESNAR KICKS OUT!!!

Well, if the Angle Slam didn’t work, then you gotta go for the ANKLE LOCK~! Lesnar holds on and manages to reverse it and send Angle head first into the referee!!!

 Lesnar tries to hit a SPINEBUSTER on Angle, but Angle holds on to Lesnar’s waist and locks in a figure four on his NECK! Lesnar starts to fade, and once he gets on the mat, Angle switches to an Ankle Lock!!! Nice to see him going back to the hold the moment he got the chance rather than just throwing out a bunch of different submissions for the hell of it.

LESNAR TAPS~! But the referee is down!

STEEL CHAIR TO ANGLE~! VINCE MCMAHON JUST NAILED ANGLE WITH A STEEL CHAIR~!

ONE LEGGED F-5~! Awesome.

Angle kicks out, so Vince tells Lesnar to do it again.

COUNTER INTO THE ANKLE LOCK~! LESNAR GRABS THE ROPES 3 TIMES, BUT ANGLE DRAGS HIM BACK AND APPARENTLY IT DOESN’T BREAK THE HOLD LOL.

LESNAR TAPS OUT!!! LESNAR TAPS OUT!!! ANGLE RETAINS!!!

So this still rules… BUT I don’t think it’s ***** any more . A little disappointing yes, but I still think it’s fucking tremendous, just not THAT tremendous lol.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Kane Vs Rob Van Dam – No Holds Barred

HOUSE ARREST DOES NOT PREVENT KANE FROM COMING TO WORK~!

What?

 at the video package for this match. Mostly building Shane Vs Kane. Just like Shane Vs Bischoff match earlier .

Man, how fucking DARK AND EVIL was Kane when he first unmasked? Set JR on fire, put clamps on Shane’s balls and electrocuted them, and in the video package here we see him kidnap RVD, tie him up, pour gasoline over him and light a fucking match!

 at some of the spots in this match. Kane doing his over the rope bump… BEFORE RVD quite gets to him with a running crossbody . And RVD setting a ladder up in the ropes, but before he can use it manages to get Kane down and goes for Rolling Thunder… but when he runs the ropes the ladder has gone . The fuck did it go? Oh, the ref moved it. Because he decided that RVD didn’t want it any more… despite getting it out and not having the chance to use it yet. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

THIS HIDEOUS, SMELLY MONSTER KANE~! You tell him, JR!!!

 at RVD going for that kick off the ropes, but doing it from the second rope and barely hitting Kane because he wasn’t high enough. RVD WASN’T HIGH ENOUGH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE .

What? The ladder ISN’T made of chocolate? WHY AM I ONLY BEING TOLD THIS NOW, JIM? WHY?

Way to go, RVD. You just dropkicked Kane into the crowd. A PSYCHOPATHIC MONSTER WHO SETS PEOPLE ON FIRE. Right into the crowd. YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!

MORE RVD STUPIDITY~! Rolling Thunder to Kane using a chair. Except the chair is on TOP of Kane so it hurts RVD too. He does that shit far too often lol.

 at JR not realising that Kane MOVED from the Van Terminator attempt.

TOMBSTONE ON THE STEEL STEPS~!

Thank fuck it’s done with. What a sloppy, shitty, spotty MESS.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton Vs Goldberg Vs Shawn Michaels Vs Kevin Nash Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Nash looks BADASS with his hair short and blonde/white lol. He lost a hair match to Jericho, as he needed to cut it for his upcoming part in the PUNISHER film (which is fucking awesome btw and hugely underrated. Get the extended version if you wanna check it out. Only the regular version was released outside of the US I think so I had to import it. Bluray versions anywhere are the regular version so fuck HD in this case)

Jericho and HBK to start things off!

Huge GOLDBERG chants, which confuse me because Ryback isn’t in this match .

It was only 3 minutes between entrances in this one, right?

Orton is next out, and he’s there to make sure HHH leaves with the belt!

 Nash is next out and Orton BOTCHES GOING FACE FIRST INTO THE CHAMBER WALL . Seriously, Nash grabs his head, tries to throw him into the wall and Orton just falls down instead .

Everything before Nash came in was fine, nothing noteworthy as seen by the fact I wrote NOTHING lol, but fine nonetheless. However with BIG DADDY NASH in the match we can get someone coming in and crushing people, which is always cool to see in a match like this.

OMG NASH JUST ATTACKED SHAWN~!

SUPERKICK TO NASH~! Jericho falls into the cover and Nash is gone! LOLOLOL!!!

Next out is HHH! But before he can escape his pod, HBK superkicks him to hell! And it was pretty much just done because HHH is INJURED (tore his penis or something).

NASH gets up finally, and decides to Powerbomb everyone he sees! EVERYONE IS DOWN!

HBK tries to pin both Orton and Jericho, but they had too long to recover from the POWERBOMBS and nobody is eliminated. Gotta save some bodies for GOLDBERG after all!

Pretty fun punch spot with all 3 guys (HHH is still sleeping in his pod) just punching each other in the face in the middle of the ring.

GOLDBERG IS FREE~! EVERYONE GONNA FUCKING DIE NOW~!

Press Slam into a Spinebuster looks like it killed Orton. SPEAR just to make sure. Orton is DONE.

PRESS SLAM FROM INSIDE THE RING RIGHT INTO THE CHAIN WALL TO JERICHO~! Goldberg is mauling everyone .

SPEAR TO JERICHO THROUGH THE POD~!

That hurt Goldberg, allowing HBK to nail the elbow and the band begins to tune up and SPEAR~! JACKHAMMER~! HBK IS GONE~!

Poor Jericho, he’s recovered enough from the POD SPEAR to get back in the ring, and he ends up taking another SPEAR~! JACKHAMMER~! JERICHO IS GONE~!

And then there was one. HHH is the last man standing, and Goldberg is gonna kill him .

Flair closing the pod door and holding it shut, protecting HHH is pretty sweet. Then Goldberg just fucking KICKS AND PUNCHES his way through the pod . HHH about to get raped in the pod!!!

Even HEEL LAWLER is talking about how HHH WAS a great champion, basically saying he’s fucked and Goldberg is winning lol.

Goldberg sets up the SPEAR… and runs right into a fucking SLEDGEHAMMER SHOT!!! HHH pins him and retains the WHC .

Shocking finish to a SUPER FUCKING FUN match. I mean fuck me at the FUNNESS of this bad boy. Goldberg running through bitches in a confined space is just .

I do however have a problem with the finish. Goldberg was WHITE HOT at the time. HHH was INJURED. Goldberg would get the title a month later anyway. And yet they still decided to keep the belt with HHH. Didn’t make that much sense to me. Surely Goldberg beating FIVE guys in the chamber would have been a better way to win the belt rather than JUST beating HHH one on one, right? Goldberg could have won here, then they could have giving HHH his rematch for the next PPV, with HHH claiming that Goldberg can’t beat him one on one and without being inside the chamber or some shit, and stack the odds against the guy with EVOLUTION too and shit. Would have been fine. Instead HHH had to keep hold of the belt even though he was fucking INJURED and that kinda pisses me off tbh.

Oh well. Still uberfunawesome.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 17

SummerSlam 2002

 

And now. SummerSlam.

And that was the intro to the event? Seriously? No video package? LOL.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Kurt Angle

This is super fun awesome mega sweet. ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

Rey in 2002 had knees that worked so he could do ANYTHING. So he did. Some awesomely smooth high flying shit, great counters that could have easily sucked had anyone else done them because no doubt they wouldn’t have been as perfectly done as Rey did em.
The German suplex counter using the ropes going into a pin attempt was .

Angle is great here too (I know!). Takes all of Rey’s offense beautifully and it’s kinda cool seeing him work more of a “big man vs little man” style with him as the bigger guy lol. Just lobbing Rey around and shit.

 Rey diving over the ref over the ropes onto Angle.

Crowd are just on FIRE for all this too. Great to see Rey, only recently debuting with the company, taking Angle to the limit and being 100% believable to get a win despite his size and how long he’s been with the company and how he was used in WCW too.

 at the finish too. Great counter by Angle. Rey taps but fuck me he basically got MADE as far as his WWE career goes in this match.

Incredible opener and all round incredible match.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Lawler wants to welcome us to the Raw portion of Smackdown. Yup.

 

Chris Jericho Vs Ric Flair

JERICHO BEATS UP AN OLD MAN. That’s essentially this match lol.

Holy fook at that spot! Jericho takes the padding off the barricade, lays Flair across it then comes crashing down on Flair from the top rope!!! Flair’s selling of it afterwards is tremendous. “OH GOD!” followed by him stumbling into a camera man .

 Jericho has a tougher time fighting with a turnbuckle pad than he does Flair. He ends up giving up and going after Flair with some wrist tape instead .

CHOPS~! But Jericho keeps firing back with PUNCHES TO THE FACE.

 Flair hits a somewhat WONDERFUL back suplex. Who thing leading into it is tremendous too. Flair strut, then he just kinda dances around Jericho, swings his arm up and grabs him for the suplex and hits it to perfection. DEM LITTLE THINGS.

LIONSAULT~! FLAIR MOVES~! CHOPS~! WALLS OF JERICHO BY FLAIR~! BOTCHES~! FIGURE FOUR BY JERICHO~! Wait, that’s not a figure four, is it? Looks totally different when Miz does it .

Flair taps! But he’s in the ropes so it doesn’t count! Suck it, Jericho!

 Flair chopped Jericho so hard, Charles Robinson fell down . Apparently Jericho knocked into him but you couldn’t see that from the camera angle we got .

LOW BLOW~! FIGURE FOUR~! FLAIR WINS!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeah this good. Fun. Awesome. OLD MAN FLAIR~!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Edge

So I remember not liking these matches much in the past, but after seeing their… Unforgiven (?) match again for the first time in YEARS, I ended up loving it and now I have somewhat high hopes for this one too .

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG PORK SIGN IN THE CROWD! 

Botch in the first minute. Not a good sign . PORK, now there is a good sign! I miss PORK sign .

Eddie gets tied in the ropes and SPEAR! Edge goes for another, Eddie escapes and Edge flies out of the ring. LOL. Edge looks to be hurt, so Eddie goes right after the now seemingly injured left arm .

“GUERRERO LIKE A SHARK THAT SMELLS BLOOD IN THE WATER YUM YUM GONNA GET HIM SOME!” 

Awesome move off the top rope by Eddie to smash the arm into the mat .

 Eddie getting snapmared then moving like lighting to get back to Edge is . He just zooms around Edge, sweeps his leg then grabs the arm again.

Edge starts to build moment, looks to hit another SPEAR… only for Guerrero to counter with a dropkick!!!

FROG SPLASH~! NO! EDGE GOT HIS KNEES UP!

EDGECUTION~! EDDIE KICKS OUT! FUCK YES! SUCK IT EDGE!

Eddie is wonderful btw. Any time he counters an Edge comeback he is RIGHT BACK ON EDGE with such quickness. No wasting time or anything.

FROG SPLASH ON THE INJURED ARM!!! HOLY FUCK THAT WAS GOAT!!!

EDGE KICKS OUT!!!

SPEAR! And Edge wins . BOOOOO!!!

So this was good . Eddie was KING, Edge was fine. Eddie ruled.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Christian can’t wait to EXPOSE Booker T and Goldust.

 

Booker T & Goldust Vs Lance Storm & Christian – World Tag Team Championship Match

 ok, this match BETTER live up to the hype.

 GOLDUST AND CHRISTIAN starting things out . Storm comes in and that’s fine too… bah, Booker tagged in. FUCK OFF BOOKER.

 Goldust taking a bump over the turnbuckle is .

Goldust is superb as FIP as you would totally expect (and if you don’t then what the fuck is wrong with you? Goldust > most of your favourites). Takes one hell of a beating and it’s easy to get behind him as he tries to make a tag.

COME ON GOLDIE! COME ON GOLDIE! Booker T gets the hot tag, but the ref didn’t see it! Fans are fucking livid lol. Awesome.

CONCHAIRTO ATTEMPT! GOLDUST DUCKS AND COMES BACK WITH A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! FANS POP LIKE CRAZY!!! Come on Goldust, make the tag!!! Yes!!! Shame it was to Booker T though .

Booker is at least good at coming off a hot tag and wailing on everyone. He just PLASTERS Christian on the ropes with repeated chops and slaps to the chest lol.

DOUBLE AXE KICK~! Ref is down though. Booo.

TEST~! Big boot to Booker T, and Christian & Storm steal this one .

This rules. Fucking RULES. Goldust is such a fucking workhorse. He spends the bulk of the match in the ring and fuck he’s just great. On offence, taking a beating, teasing a hot tag.  Awesome stuff all round not just from him too. Hype = LIVED UP.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Nidia is at WWE New York making out with some random dude while Noble watches .

 

Chris Benoit Vs Rob Van Dam – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

The crowd are pretty much fucking DEAD for this one unless RVD is hitting some flippy shit lol. Which is a shame because Benoit is fucking MAULING RVD’s head in pretty spectacular fashion.

So Benoit’s work here is fine, great even… but at the same time I’m not caught up in the match or anything. He’s just working over RVD and I’m not particularly caring. Some cool moments here and there and that’s kinda it tbh.

If anything it’s RVD that makes this match go from average to pretty fun at times. His crazy offence often leads to some great Benoit counters lol, and break the match up from Benoit applying holds .

Thing start to really pick up mid way though… and HOLY FUCK… TRIPLE NOTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEXES FROM BENOIT WHILE HE HAS RVD’S ARM BEHIND HIM REALLY FUCKING IT UP. Fuck triple Germans, THAT is an incredible triple suplex spot. Benoit then following it up with a Crossface is .

Finish kinda comes out of nowhere. Benoit goes for a back superplex, RVD counters with a crossbody then follows up with a 5 Star Frog Splash and it’s over. Just seemed that one second Benoit is controlling and then RVD wins with his finisher but without any real comeback nor hitting it OUT OF NOWHERE lol.

Mixed feelings on this one tbh. It’s good, and in parts it’s great… but at times it gets a little tedious too. Goes up and down and isn’t consistent. I liked it more than I disliked anything in it though. I’ll settle on really good .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

The Undertaker Vs Test

 the video package shows why the UN-AMERICANS hate America and shit… but absolutely no reason why this match is happening .

Undertaker is the AMERICAN BAS ASS so I guess that lets this “feud” write itself lol. Plus he has a Nephew I believe in the Army so he was dedicating a match to him by beating up… a Canadian. WHERE WAS HASSAN WHEN WE ACTUALLY NEEDED HIM? 

Undertaker tries to start the match in his usual way, softening up the arm, but TEST ain’t having none of that shit. Big knees to Undertaker to stop those arm wrenches, so Undertaker is all “fuck it, LEAPING LARIAT” and takes Test down that way lol.

OLD SCHOOL~! But Test again ain’t having none of that shit, and shoves the referee into the ropes, crotching the DEAD MAN! Now it’s time for Test to work over The Undertaker, using the steel steps to his advantage, because even a guy the size of TEST can’t get on top of the Dead Man without help.

Did we ever get T&A Vs BOD? I don’t think we did, did we? BOD teamed up a little in 2000 when Undertaker first returned and I’m not certain they met with T&A, then when BOD got back together again at the RR in 01, T&A had split. Bah, could have been a pretty awesome tag match tbh. T&A were awesome. One of the only “main” teams in 2000 that didn’t get a tag title run lol. 2 COOL EVEN GOT A FUCKING TITLE REIGN LOL.

Undertaker fights back and manages to hit OLD SCHOOL for real this time. Time for Test to fucking PAY.

SNAKE EYES~! BIG BOOT~! TEST COUNTERS~! Bunch of other counters and then CHOKESLAM~! TEST KICKS OUT!!!

Time for Test to take his LAST RIDE, but Storm and Christian show up!!! They get the fuck beaten out of them, allowing Test to sneak in and absolutely fucking NAIL the Dead Man with a big boot! UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT!!!

Anyone else love Test’s BIG BOOT? I’m a big fan of impactful strikes, be it punches of kicks anyway, so naturally I’m gonna enjoy it. But what about everyone else? I mean, a 6’6 near 300lb man charging at you full speed and smashing your face in with his boot is a SOMEWHAT credible move, right? 

STEEL CHAIR~! COUNTERED~! TOMBSTONE!!! Always loved seeing ABA Undertaker use the Tombstone. Test ain’t kicking out of that in a million years.

After the match Undertaker wanders into the crowd and grabs an American Flag and parades around. Not my thing but eh, it’s Undertaker so I can give it a pass .

Match is solid stuff, not great but far, far from being anything bad. Just a shame Undertaker was in basically a filler match for SummerSlam, a month after he lost the Undisputed Championship and a month before he would challenge Lesnar for the WWE title lol.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Triple H – Unsanctioned Match

How GOAT is the FIGHT song for the video package?

I used to love this match. Really I did. Back when it happened, I was HYPED TO FUCK for it. It was SHAWN MICHAELS. RETURNING TO THE RING FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 4 YEARS. I first saw wrestling back at the end of the Golden Era, and grew up on the NEW GENERATION, which Shawn Michaels was a MAJOR part of. I was around for the inception of D-x. But I lost access to the channels with wrestling and missed everything past 98 until 2000 (gone back and caught up with everything obviously… seems I didn’t miss much tbh  ). So when I started watching again in 2000, I had no idea where HBK was (or Undertaker for that matter lol… and they both pretty much returned at the same PPV!!!). Took a while for me to piece everything together with the info I would catch here and there on TV. Then he came back for the NWO in 2002. And that died off quickly. Then he re-joined with HHH. And that died off pretty quickly. And then HBK said he would be ready for a match. A RETURN MATCH. AT FUCKING SUMMERSLAM. 

I can still remember watching it in 2002. I adored it. It was incredible seeing HBK, my second favourite at the time (Undertaker #1, duh), FINALLY returning to the ring and putting on a fucking SHOW STEALER. But over the years I’ve gone way down on the match. And now I’m watching it again and after writing all of that stuff I’m kinda hyped for it one more time lol. Maybe that’ll help with this re-watch .

HBK just laying across the turnbuckle like a cocky little DICK as HHH makes his INTENSE~! entrance is . He don’t sweat THE GAME.

Shawn seems to catch HHH off guard at the start, like HHH wasn’t expecting HBK to go that fast and that hard after all this time away from the ring.  at the commentators saying how this goes WAY BEYOND a typical hardcore match… then Shawn pulls out a basic trash can lid . TRASH CAN LID = BEYOND HARDCORE!!!

Sweet Chin Music attempt is avoided, and HHH counters with a sickening BACK BREAKER, and now THE GAME begins to play with Shawn’s back.

THIS IS UNSANCTIONED. THE WWE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS MATCH~! They are just allowing it to happen on their PPV, complete with video package and entrances. And a referee in the ring to count the falls. And commentators to commentate on it. And they advertised the fuck out of it leading into the PPV. YEAH OK, NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

DDT ON A STEEL CHAIR. How the fuck was that not the finish lol? SHAWN IS BUSTED WIDE OPEN!

Love how Earl Hebner is in this match. Screaming “NO! NOOOO!” at HHH to try and stop him from killing HBK.

Earl continues to be awesome, even backing HHH into a corner and going on a fucking TIRADE .

BACK BREAKER ON A STEEL FUCKING CHAIR. That’s awesomely brutal in the circumstances. Shame it’s the only thing worth watching from the last like, 5 minutes lol. I get that HHH is taking his time to really break HBK apart… but fuck this match is just TOO slow at times.

SUPERKICK~! HBK superkicks a chair right into HHH’s face! His poor nose!!! 

HHH is hurting and busted open, giving Shawn a chance to make a comeback. NIP UP~! NO SELLING THE FUCKING BACK WORK~! WHAT A CUNT~!

I still have mixed feeling about that part. On the one hand… Shawn fucking NO SELLS his fucking back. Making everything in the match prior to that POINTLESS. On the other hand… . HBK nipping up and making a comeback on the EVIL HHH is still pretty .

Oh wow, I’m actually getting BORED with this match. Shawn just crossbodied HHH through a table on the floor from the ropes… and eh, I don’t care. Now an Elbow Drop off the ladder. Because… Uhhh… it needed to be done from a ladder? So he’s proving he’s still the SHOWSTOPPER yeah? Ok. How about you FUCKING SELL YOUR BACK.

SUPERKICK~! COUNTERED INTO A PEDIGREE~! COUNTERED INTO A PIN~! HBK WINS! Finally lol.

Well unfortunately I just wasn’t feeling this match. Again. Just doesn’t hold up like it once did. First part is really good… and then HHH decides to slow shit down far more than he needed and the match feels far too long. Then HBK comes back and ignores his fucking BACK INJURY and that fucks me off, then it turns into meaningless spots and moves before HBK wins. So first half = good, second half = kinda crappy. Evens out to good and nothing more.

SLEDGEHAMMER TO THE BACK~!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Before we can get to the main event, HOWARD FINKLE wants to talk! LOL. Why on EARTH were they seemingly trying to make THE FINK a heel? Or have a ring announcer as something other than a ring announcer? Oh well, TRISH FAP FAP FAP FAP FUCKING FAP WITH THAT OUTFIT comes out. LILLIAN FAP FAP GARCIA comes out and attacks Howard. Because they had some issues or something. I forget. I don’t care. LOL.

 

The Rock Vs Brock Lesnar – WWE Undisputed Championship Match

Rock starts this one with those awful punches of his, but Brock is all FUCK YOU ROCK and just grabs and throws him across the ring with an impressive looking Overhead Belly to Belly suplex. HA!

 HUGE ROCKY SUCKS chants . Followed up big a HUGE ROCKY chant . MAKE UP YOUR MIND PEOPLE .

Heyman . Just being a DICK on the outside, attacking Rock at every fucking chance he gets. As if being in the ring with LESNAR wasn’t enough lol.

DOUBLE NIP UP SPOT .

Rock tries to clothesline Lesnar over. Doesn’t work. Lesnar tells him to try again. Doesn’t work. 3rd time after ducking an attempted Lesnar clothesline and LESNAR GOES DOWN. Sharpshooter attempt and YES! Heyman distracts Rock! Booo… Rock still locks it in. Fans boo. Because it’s fucking shit. LEARN TO DO IT RIGHT YOU NOB. MIZ VS ROCK IN A WORST ATTEMPT AT A POPULAR SUBMISSION HOLD EVER. JOHN “STF-ISH” CENA AS GUEST REFEREE.

Rock, the big man that he is, attacks poor Heyman who is NOT a trained wrestler. What a fucking piece of shit. Lesnar makes him pay with a CHAIR SHOT to the gut though. Lesnar is a true friend .

BEAR HUG. Rock has injured ribs AND just got nailed with a chair. Lesnar put HULK HOGAN out of action with a bear hug. Rock ain’t gonna stand a chance!!!

Rock makes a pretty sweet comeback, and holy fuck Lesnar is bumping around like a GOAT. Rock sends Lesnar face first into the ring post… and then decides to put Heyman through a table! THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, ROCK? DON’T BE A BULLY, BE A STAR. Cunt.

ROCK BOTTOM~! LESNAR KICKS OUT!!!

BROCK BOTTOM~! ROCK KICKS OUT!!!

 You know those matches where Rock goes for a People’s Elbow and someone interferes, usually running Rock over? Well, LESNAR does it with a monstrous clothesline here . Fuck anyone else getting involved, BROCK is superhuman and can do it himself!!!

F-5!!! 1…2…3!!! LESNAR IS THE NEW CHAMPION!!! LESNAR IS CHAMPION, AND ROCK IS FUCKING OFF TO HOLLYWOOD! ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!!!

 Still a fucking incredible match. Awesome atmosphere, and great effort from BOTH men. Even Rock! Lesnar was fucking BOSS though.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 24

Armageddon 2002

 

The end is near. The 2 out of 3 falls is almost here. God help me.

 

The Dudley Boys Vs Lance Storm & William Regal Vs Booker T & Goldust Vs Chris Jericho & Christian – World Tag Team Championship Elimination Match

Regal and Storm say they are wrestling for respect tonight. The rest are wrestling for the tag titles .

Fuck me look at all the talent in this match. And Booker T.

REGAL VS GOLDU… dammit Christian tagged himself in. CHRISTIAN VS GOLDUS… Jericho comes in seconds later. JERIC… yeah not as appealing as the other 2 combinations tbh lol. Still… GOLDUST .

YOU SON OF A BITCH I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!

Ha, super awesome moment with Bubba doing his tribute to Dusty side to side with Goldust .

3-D TO CHRISTIAN~! but Regal got a blind tag! Storm hits a leg drop! Regal goes for a cover and then…  WHAT WAS THAT? MEGA BOTCHED PIN .

Then Goldust pins Regal .

So now we are down to GOLDUST and the other dude Vs CHRISTIAN and Jericho.

HOLY INSERT WHATEVER DEITY YOU WORSHIP HERE AT THAT BUMP GOLDUST TAKES ON THE OUTSIDE. He takes a bump into the steel steps, but turns upside down to take it and ends up smashing his back into the steps while landing on his HEAD. Man oh man. OH FUCKING MAN. That was a godly bump.

 Goldust gets a lengthy FIP segment. Christian and Jericho are great working him over. This is what their No Mercy match should have been. Amazed at how highly other people think of it. Even without the ropes breaking and fucking up the finish, it just wasn’t anything special whatsoever. THIS on the other hand is . And this isn’t even the entire match lol.

 at Goldust preventing Christian from launching off the top rope with a title belt in his hands. Guy just fucking lobs himself into the ropes to mke Christian lose his balance . Basically hotshotted himself lol.

Fuck me some super hot near falls in this. I genuinely don’t know who wins this match so I don’t know the finish, so I’ve been getting caught up in everything lol. Booker has nearly has this thing won 3 times and fuck me I bought each time as the finish .

Fuckity fuck me I was sure the match was about to end again lol. Title shot to Booker T’s face, followed by a Lionsault as Christian drags Goldust out of the ring… but Booker kicks out!

BOOKEND! 3 COUNT! NEW TAG CHAMPS!!!! GOLDUST IS WEARING GOLD AGAIN!!! 

Awesome, awesome match. And that was just the Gold T Vs C2 part . Regal & Storm + Dudley Boys part at the start was a ton of fun too, shame it ended with a botchy as fuck pin, but that didn’t exactly ruin much. Whole match is great but the last 2 teams going at it was amazing.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Edge Vs A-Train

So Rey needed more knee surgery (shock, I know) so they had A-TRAIN take him out. Being Rey’s tag partner, A-Train decides to take Edge out too. Yeah I’m not sure myself. But Edge hasn’t quite been taken out so they have a match.

A 62 INCH CHEST AND A HAIRY BACK!

A-Train is powerful and tall, so Edge goes after the legs and uses his quickness to try and stay on top in this one.

A-Train gets back in control thanks to his POWER, goes for a rest hold, then the match turns into a clusterfuck of shit with Edge honestly looking terrible on offence and the commentators getting confused about Albert now being called A-Train.

Edge kicks out of like 2 of A-Train’s finishers, then Train kicks out of the running hug. Then A-Train gets DQ’d when he smashes a chair on Edge’s leg. Well this was weird and pointless.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Chris Benoit

TWO VERY GREAT FRIENDS~! 

Tazz: “I’ve been up and down the road IN CARS with these guys” 

SHADES OF BOB BACKLUND~! 

Honestly, fairly standard stuff for a bulk of this match. Eddie as the heel controls, starts with some arm work then after a hope spot from Benoit, goes after the leg. All picks up with Benoit’s big come back though .

GERMAN SUPLEXES~! Benoit hits about 6 in a row, but it took a bunch out of him + all the leg work, so he takes his time going to the ropes for a headbutt. Eddie starts moving, so Benoit is all “fuck this shit, MOAR GERMANS~!” and land some more German Suplexes. Eddie is all “arrrghhh stop” so he grabs the ropes to escape. So Benoit is like “Hey Eddie, remember that Nitro match we had in 95?” and Eddie is all “huh?” and Benoit is all “FUCKING POWERBOMB BITCH” but Eddie like, remembers in time what happened in 95 and manages to avoid it and decides “fuck it, GERMANS OF MY OWN” and lands some German Suplexes of his own. True story.

Benoit keeps fighting like the RABID WOLVERINE he is, until Chavo Jr decides “hey, these guys are making me look like shit, so amma interfere” and he decks Benoit with the tag title belt. BENOIT AIN’T STAYING DOWN THOUGH. Instead he’s all “I SAID FUCKING POWERBOMB, BITCH!!!” and fucking MURDERS Eddie with a powerbomb .

Chavo tries to get involved again, but gets taken out because he sucks. LOLOLOL.

EDDIE FLIES!!! Back off the top rope when Benoit pushes him . HEADBUTT!!! EDDIE PLAYS POSSUM!!! LASSO FROM EL PASO!!! BENOIT COUNTERS!!! CROSSFACE!!! BUT EDDIE IS FIGHTING TO PREVENT IT FROM BEING LOCKED IN, SO BENOIT SWITCHES SIDES AND GETS EDDIE AWAY FROM THE ROPES!!! TAP OUT!!! 

Great stuff. First half is standard shizzle but the second half is fucking . Evens out nicely. Still currently prefer their Vengeance 03 match though tbh.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

DAWN MARIE AND TORRIE WILSON HOT LESBIAN ACTION~! THEY ACTUALLY KISS. FULL ON. FAP FAP FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP.

 

Kane Vs Batista

 I never get tired ofthe spot Flair does when he tries to attack the babyface on the outside and is completely useless, then gets scared shitless at the fact before the babyface tries to kill him .

So Batista is green as shit here, but honestly he doesn’t do half bad. His power stuff is all fine; big clotheslines and a pretty sweet spear, and he takes everything Kane had to offer perfectly well too. Nothing close to bad about this one tbh. I rather enjoyed it.  at Batista catching Kane with the Spinebuster. Cool spot.

Flair continues to make his presence felt on the outside, and manages to save Batista from a likely loss after a Chokeslam. BATISTA BOMB!!! And Kane is done. Big win early on in Batista’s career.

Enjoyable .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

 Cena and B SQUARED.

 

Victoria Vs Trish Stratus Vs Jacqueline – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Ha. No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Big Show Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match

Man this starts off super fun. Angle tries to WRESTLE Show, but he’s just too fucking big. Show uses his size and power, which ends up costing him Heyman on the outside, when he accidentally dumps Angle over the ropes right onto his manager! Show is distracted allowing Angle to sneak up from behind and send Show over the ropes!!! Then Show gets back in charge with that POWER again and Angle is pretty good at being tossed around.

Cole talking about Big Show: “I CAN ALMOST PUT 3 OF MY FINGERS IN HIS RING” 

 at the Tornado DDT. Botched to all fuckery.

Angle starts to build some momentum, using moves he wouldn’t normally attempt. MISSILE DROPKICK~! STANDING MOONSAULT… which ends up just being a kick to Show’s head lol.

ANGLE SLAM~! But Show kicks out because he’s a giant and normal finishers don’t work on him or something .

 ANKLE LOCK and Show taps out the second it’s put in but nobody acknowledges it! 

Show kicks Angle off, and the ref dies in the process. HEYMAN IS UP!!! Steel chair in the ring! Fans chant for Brock.

Angle gets the chair first! Show punches the first shot away but gets smashed in the face with the second one! Show kicks out like it was fucking nothing .

Ankle Lock again! Show taps for real but… the referee is apparently dead from trying to count to 3 .

A-TRAIN!!! TRAIN WRECK TO ANGLE! OR IS THAT THE DE-RAILER? I FORGET WHICH IS WHICH. THE COOL BACKBREAKER THINGY HE DOES. THAT MOVE~!

CHOKESLAM~!

LESNAR~!

F-5~!

Angle covers… and we got ourselves a NEW WWE Champion!

So this is a ton of fun. Crazy clusterfuckery type finishing stretch but I liked it a lot. Match before that was good too. Angle desperately trying everything to keep Show down, and Show just powering him around. Good shizzle.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship 2 out of 3 Falls Match – First fall is a street fight, second fall is a cage match, third fall (IF NEEDED LOL) is a ladder match

*sigh* I guess I gotta watch this. Hated it when it happened. Hated it when I re-watched it. Honestly haven’t seen it in probably 8 years. Likely only seen it twice lol. The first time was more than enough. But ever the professional (LOL) I’m gonna watch it anyway!!!

Flair gets send to the back… before the match starts. For no reason at all. Uhhhh ok. There goes the one thing I was looking forward to in this match . NOT FAIR TO FLAIR~!

 Shawn pretty much has a match with a trash can for the first 5 minutes . And it’s better than every other HHH/HBK match ever .

Ton of sloppy shit early on in this one. Ring rust from HBK, or just shitty HHH being shitty HHH? I know which one I’m more likely to side with lol .

HHH has his right quad all taped up. So HBK decides to go after his back instead . Sort of get why he would, because HHH wants to kill HBK’s back and it’s all REVENGE and shit, but come on. HIS LEG IS CLEARLY ALREADY INJURED. KILL IT!!!

 then HHH starts to work on HBK’s leg . YOU WANNA WORK ON MY BACK WHICH ISN’T HURT AT ALL BECAUSE YOUR BACK IS HURT AND I’LL LIKELY GO AFTER IT? WELL FUCK YOU, MY LEG IS HURT SO I’M GONNA GO AFTER YOUR LEG. LOGIC~! 

HHH gets a 2×4 wrapped in barbed wire, and is about to hit HBK with it. Then he stops and stands there like a retard for about a minute, before setting it on fire instead.  HBK kicks him and HHH drops the 2×4… and it lands RIGHT NEXT TO THE FANS .

HBK uses it on HHH’s face!!! HHH is only bleeding though . How awesome would this match have been if HHH’s FACE was on fire? HHH RIDER FTW.

HBK nips up!!! But his leg is still fucked so he hobbles back and HHH chop blocks him and lands a Pedigree, picking up the win for the first fall! Well gosh, that was like, a GOOD FINISH. If only that was the end of the match . Second fall time. Steel cage. Just what these guys need; a match in a confined space.

As the cage lowers, HHH throws in a bunch of weapons.  even HHH knows he can’t have a standard cage match with HBK and have it be good. GOTTA USE DEM WEAPONS~!

Oh hey, HBK bladed. Quite clearly . They even show it on the replay .

They both end up fighting on top of the cage, and HHH tells Flair to stack some tables because… I don’t know. If HHH threw HBK off the cage through the tables then yeah, it’d fuck him up… but it would also give HBK the second fall. So uhhh… what? 

FLAIR IN THE CAGE~! FLAIR IS BLEEDING .

 HHH looks to attempt a Pedigree on a steel chair, but accidentally kicks it away while trying to get his footing right .

SUPERKICK~! And Shawn… doesn’t go for the cover. He wants to HURT HHH which is all well and good but come on. HBK has been fucked up during this match and honestly should have just got the win there and then rather than taking a high risk and Crossbody’ing HHH through a table from the cage. At least it paid off… but still .

Third fall time. Great, exactly what we need. Both guys have been killing each other for 20 minutes, so now they have to muster up the energy to CLIMB A LADDER. This won’t be slow as shit…

What’s even BETTER than them sloooowly climbing ladders? DECIDING TO NOT SELL THE LAST 20 MINUTES AND CLIMBING LADDERS LIKE IT’S FUCKING NOTHING!!! YEY!! GOAT MATCH EVER!!!

Oh wait, after fucking off selling, they decide to start selling again and climb slowly. BEST OF BOTH WORLDS!!!

Nice superkick to HHH… then HHH comes back in, knocks HBK off the ladder and OH WOW THOSE TABLES CAME INTO PLAY I DIDN’T NOT SEE THAT COMING!

HHH wins. We don’t.

This is BAD. But in a lot of ways more HILARIOUSLY bad than their HIAC match. Still, I never ever in my life want to sit through this shite again. Was about 25 minutes too long.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

Global Warning Tour 2002

 

WWE invades the land down under. You better run, you better take cover.

Show kicks off with STEPHANIE FAP FAP MCMAHON. Also, I’m fairly certain commentary is dubbed over this whole thing lol. Damn, they ain’t been here for 18 years?

 

Rikishi Vs Rico – Kiss My Ass Match

Seriously… we had TWO Kiss My Ass matches on “PPV” in 02? LOL.

Dear god Cole actually asked Tazz to explain the rules of a KISS MY ASS match. Because it wasn’t clear, obviously. But now the orange midget explained it I totally understand!!!

Rico looks pretty good on offence for the whole minute or so he gets. Then he misses a HUGE and awesome looking moonsault and walks into a Samoan Drop. 1 2 3 and this is done. Time for Rico to get a face of ass.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Jamie Noble Vs The Hurricane – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Before we get the match, we get some footage of Noble and Nidia learning to surf. Noble does NOT look comfortable . He actually does a good job though lol! And Nidia looks good in a wetsuit .

Noble in glasses is odd too. Doesn’t fit with his TRAILER PARK TRASH gimmick. In fact this whole video package doesn’t fit. Why do this with the HEELS? Surly it would have been better with Hurricane doing it? IN HIS COSTUME? I’d have fucking paid to see that lol.

Hurricane steamrolls over Noble to begin with, until Nidia shoves her tongue down his throat giving Noble time to recover lol. Lucky bastard!!! 

Tazz “COLE I HEARD YA NIPPLES ARE PIERCED!”

Cole is baffled by Australian Football. He can’t work out how anyone scores. Kinda like his sex life .

Tazz “EVERY TIME I SEE A SMALL PACKAGE I THINK OF YOU, COLE!” 

 Cole “I don’t know if they play cricket over here…” .

 Tazz has to ask if they speak English in Australia. Fuck me, I thought the commentary was terrible at the UK shows… but they REALLY went out of their way to be the worst here.

Standard match stuff for the most part until they go into a finishing stretch and we get some nice near falls and even finisher kick outs.

TOP ROPE SWINGING NECKBREAKER~!

Nidia plays her role well as usual throughout this whole thing, constantly being a difference maker, and contributes to the finish too. She’s usually the best part of the match lol. Hot too .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

 an Australian calls Angle a bugger.

 

Lance Storm & Christian Vs Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio – World Tag Team Championship Match

Someone shoot Tazz and Cole please.

Someone please shoot Tazz and Cole.

PLEASE SOMEONE SHOOT TAZZ AND COLE.

 Rey flies around dominating everyone, then Christian pushes him off the top rope to the floor… and Rey just splats in front of some fat guy sat in a chair in the corner . I’m assuming he’s security but I just don’t know. He doesn’t look seems to care anyway .

Well fuck, this looked awesomely brutal:

Rey is FIP, so this is pretty good as you would expect, but holy shit the commentary. It’s fucking terrible. And was recorded AFTER the show. So they had the chance to edit shit and re-do shit… and they thought THIS was the best way to go about it? Really? Arrghh!!!

Hot tag to Kidman and we get a cool finishing stretch. Kidman is on fire, Christian is trying to cheat, Storm is superkicking, and Rey is fucking REY MYSTERIO.

SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!! 1…2… NEW CHAMPIONS NO! Christian pulls out the referee, Storm levels Kidman with the tag belt and retain the tag titles.

Good match, but hard to concentrate on it all because Tazz and Cole go to levels of awfulness I didn’t think even they could go to.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge, Kidman and Torrie are… being morons while shopping. I swear it’s like they didn’t know what Australia was until they got there. Hmmm… American’s (and Canadians lol) being clueless about other countries. Sounds outlandish, I know .

 

Chris Jericho Vs Edge

Cole talking about Edge “IS ANYONE HOTTER THAN THIS GUY?”.

BRB, gonna go shoot Tazz and Cole.

 “YOU’RE A WANKER” chants directed to Jericho.

Man, between entrances, Jericho cutting a promo and then STALLING, this takes about 10 fucking minutes to start. I got so fed up the first time around I stopped watching for A DAY lol. Back to it now I guess!

Oh sweet jesus the commentary. I forgot. A day away makes the commentary seem even worse. HOW DOES THAT WORK? They talk about strip clubs and taxis. DURING A FUCKING WRESTLING MATCH.

Michael Cole: “SPEAKING OF BIG STIFF CLOTHESLINES, STACY AND TORRIE IN A BRA AND PANTIES MATCH UP NEXT!!!”  WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? 

Michael Cole AGAIN: “WE’VE GOT SOME WANKER FROM AUSTRALIA HELPING OUT AT RINGSIDE”  I don’t think he understands what wanker is .

Oh yeah there is a match going on too. Jericho heels it up, cheating when he can, cutting Edge off nicely a few times and being pretty BOSS tbh. Edge is fine, couple of nice hope spots which are usually quick pin attempts or a high impact move to try and win asap.

REF BUMP~!

Jericho grabs a chair, Edge SPEARS him, ref is still dead, I LOL.  at Edge’s attempt to wake the ref up. *kicks ref while he’s down* NOPE, HE’S NOT GETTING UP.

ANOTHER SPEAR. Ref is awake now. JERICHO KICKS OUT!

CHAIR~! LIONSAULT~! KICK OUT~!

Jericho goes face first into the exposed turnbuckle that he apparently exposed earlier. I haven’t been paying as much attention to the actual match thanks to the awful commentary. Jericho still kicks out.

Then Jericho loses to a roll up. LOL.

Match was solid stuff, but by god, everything on this show is getting ruined by the commentary.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Stacy Keibler Vs Torrie Wilson – Bra and Panties Match

Val Venis is the guest ring announcer for this.

Tazz: “IT’S BETTER TO BE COCKY THAN TO SMELL COCKY” 

 the announcing from Val pretty much solidifies this as a FAP MATCH. Literally.

FAP FAP.

NIDIA SHOWS UP TOO!

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Rock Vs Triple H Vs Brock Lesnar – WWE Undisputed Championship Match

It would take TEN YEARS for HHH and Lesnar to be involved in another match together. And it was great. Then they fucked it up by having 2 fucking shitty rematches.

Rock and HHH double team Lesnar and take him out of the ring, then HHH is all like “lol i dunt leik yu rick” and clotheslines the champion.

 Lesnar gets brought back into the ring by being thrown over the ropes, then he kinda flops around before seemingly randomly falling back in the corner . THE FUCK WAS THAT?

 Heyman attacks Rock from behind and CELEBRATES like he just won the WWE title himself. Then Rock turns around and he shats himself .

HHH VS LESNAR! Lesnar kills him .

HHH is pretty smart in this match, constantly standing back and letting Brock and Rock fight each other at every chance he gets, then he strolls in and attacks someone from behind in hopes of sneaking a win. Lesnar takes exception to this and smashes his skull into the ring post and HHH IS BLEEDING!!!

Bunch of finisher teases, but everyone counters everyone’s finisher.

SHARPSHOOTER-ISH~!

PEDIGREE~!

F-5 TO HHH!!!

PEOPLE’S ELBOW~!

BROCK KICKS OUT!!!

HEYMAN IS LOVING IT!!!

F-5 TO THE ROCK!!! LESNAR GONNA BECOME CHAMP!!! 1…2… AND THAT SHITTY HHH FELLA BREAKS UP THE COUNT.

PEDIGREE TO LESNAR~!

LESNAR KICKS OUT!!! FUCK ME!!! NOTHING STOPPING THE NEXT BIG THING!!!

ROCK BOTTOM TO HHH. ROCK WINS. BOOOO .

Good match, I liked it . Whole finishing stretch was cool and Lesnar was made to look like a fucking BEAST kicking out of two finishers with no rests between pins or anything like that. HHH played his role well as the cerebral assassin, waiting for the right moment to get involved and shit, and Rock was Rock.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 6.5

Unforgiven 2002

 

The first PPV with both brand titles on the line!!!

 

The Un-Americans Vs Booker T, Goldust, Bubba Ray Dudley & Kane

The Un-Americans, huh? Wonder who came up with that name; The Un-Creative Team?

OMG THAT’S NOT KANE THAT’S SOMEONE ELSE HE LOOKS DIFFERENT SO IT’S OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE ELSE WEARING THE MASK ZOMG~!

Anyone else remember how some people were absolutely ADAMANT about the fact that this wasn’t REALLY Kane? 

 Goldust starting things off with Christian. I know Survivor Series ended up being one of the top PPV’s of the year and a tremendous PPV in general regardless of the year, I’m surprised they didn’t go with a big elimination match like this with the Un-Americans Vs a group of Pro-USA guys or something. Plenty of talent on the Un-American side of things, then you could have had Goldust (And Booker, I suppose, though he was in the EC that night), and uhhh… huh, everyone I can think of was already part of something at SVS lol. Well rebook the card!!! Something like this should have happened lol .

Early part of the match is the USA guys dominating and all taking turns at getting them some of these bastards who tell the truth and don’t think USA is a GOAT as USA thinks it is (  ). Everyone except KANE because they saving that big gun for when it’s truly NESSECCARY. NESESSARY. NESSECCESSARRRY. THAT WORD.

Bubba and Booker decide to get tables out, which fucks them over as they decide to get a table from under the ring ON THE UN-AMERICANS SIDE OF THE RING and they get jumped. OH THE SHOCK. Morons lol.

Booker T plays FIP while a bunch of superior talent work him over. Poor Booker, he’s like, the worst guy in this match bar Test. MAYBE. Luckily he isn’t SUCKA(ING) so it’s all good.

HOT TAG TO KANE and he comes in like a house on fire. Which probably motivates him in a different way to everyone else.

WILD 8 MAN BRAWL~!

Good GOD Test absolutely fucking POWERS Kane up for a Pumphandle. I swear Kane wasn’t being co-operative there either lol. PURE POWER. Booker officially moves to the bottom of the workers in this match .

DOUBLE TEAM TO KANE. SUPERKICK~! KANE SURVIVES!!!

Everyone comes in the ring and gets them some of someone before being taken out by someone else coming in. You know the deal, but hey, it’s a ton of fun especially for a finishing stretch of a big match like this.

KANE comes back and starts mauling everyone. CHOKESLAM TO STORM~! 3 count.

Fun way to start the show!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Chris Jericho Vs Ric Flair – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Huh, Jericho is IC champ? I… don’t remember him winning the belt around this time lol.

In fact I don’t remember this match happening at all. I know they faced at SummerSlam… but a rematch? With Jericho as IC champ somehow? WHEN DID ALL THIS SHIT HAPPEN? 

SLAPS TO THE FACE~!

This is all about FLAIR proving to himself that he can still go and can still have one last run. Jericho gives him a TON in this match. Flair is all over him and looks great despite his age.

Flair targets the leg a little, then Jericho gets a second wind, knocks Flair down and goes for the Lionsault! Flair moves, Jericho lands on his feet but quickly crumples down to the mat holding his knee!!! He’s obviously hurt .

Flair gives him some space, then when he turns his back, Jericho locks in the Walls and makes Flair TAP. LOL.

Fun enough for the time it got and the match they worked. Flair looked great, then Jericho OUT-DIRTIED THE DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME and got the win.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

 Shaq is in attendance with his son, and when the camera gets on them, his own son BLASTS HIM IN THE FACE with a right hook .

 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Edge

Hmmmm…. not sure what to expect from this match. I was never super high on their matches back in 2002, and Edge’s stuff really doesn’t hold up well from this time period at all. Add to that the fact I don’t think much to their No DQ SD match either which is pretty much considered the crown jewel match of this feud… I can’t say I’m expecting much at all from this match.

Eddie shows us his VETERAN INSTINCTS at the start of this one, getting out of the ring straight away as Edge comes in fired up. He sneaks around behind Edge for a roll up, and when Edge kicks out he runs back outside and does the chase thing before getting back in the ring and jumping on Edge as he comes in the ring. Basic stuff yeah, but it’s always nice when there seems to be SOME reason behind it .

TORNADO DDT. EDGE IS DOWN! Eddie knows it, and you can see that he realises Edge is hurt and he just ATTACKS like a vicious animal .

I’m going to tell you something that you have never heard. That has never been written. That nobody would EVER expect me to ever say, write or imply. EDDIE FUCKING RULES . Eddie on offence is awesome here. He starts being violent, just jumping on Edge when he realises he’s hurting. Then he starts to get cocky, playing to the crowd and taking his time (and the crowd btw are LOVING Eddie for the most part). Edge then manages to get a shot in, and Eddie sells it like a knockout shot. So when he gets back up again he reverts back to being violent and vicious in order to keep Edge down again.

Edge is hurting, and apparently also recently suffered a concussion which makes some of Eddie’s offence even better lol. So when Edge sees an opportunity, he doesn’t waste time, going either for a quick rollup or for one big move that might get him the win.

SPEAR! EDDIE MOVES! EDGE STOPS HIMSELF! DDT! 3! NO? EDDIE GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPE! MATCH CONTINUES!

EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~! EDDIE GOES BACK FIRST INTO IT~! EDGE ATTEMPTS A SUPERPLEX… EDDIE SMASHES HIS HEAD INTO THE TURNBUCKLE WHILE THEY ARE STOOD ON THE ROPES~! SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB~!

EDDIE WINS! EDDIE WINS!!! 

Well this was WAY better than I was expecting. WAY BETTER. Eddie was clearly the driving force in making it as good as it was, but Edge played his role in this thing as well as you could expect too.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

HHH decided to visit RVD in the Raw locker room. He addresses Flair and how he’s no longer what he used to be. HEEL TURN? Nah, that’ll never happen…

Billy & Chuck Vs 3 Minute Warning – If Billy & Chuck win, Bischoff must kiss Stephanie’s ass. If 3 Minute Warning win, Stephanie must perform HLA

HLA! HLA! HLA! HLA! HOT LESBIAN ACTION~!

How could ANYONE be rooting for the “babyfaces” Billy & Chuck in this situation lol?

Man, I still remember the wedding segment from SD. Bischoff revealing himself as the minister was pretty awesome. Totally didn’t see it coming. Stephanie tried something similar too but was more in the background to hide than in plain sight without being seen lol.

Billy & Chuck pretty much just get squashed. YES! HLA! STEPHANIE!!! FAP FAP FAP!!! But we gotta wait for it .

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs Rob Van Dam – World Heavyweight Championship Match

The first WHC match in WWE history! Excluding WWF, of course . Anyway. HHH gets the title handed to him, then proceeds to BERRY people while defending it or something. You know, because RVD was WHC material…

MAN, HHH CAN REALLY SPIT WATER! He can also… lift weights . And ruin main event scenes for basically a decade! Woo!!!

About 5 minutes into the match, RVD grabs a bottle of water and does HHH’s water spit. I think I could probably skip the rest of the match knowing that THAT was the best part .

LOL RVD DIES. Leaps over the ropes and splats on the floor as HHH moves. Can we end this thing on a countout please? PLEASE? No? FUCK YOU.

“I THINK EARL HEBNER COUNTS VERY WELL”. I’m sure if his maths teacher is still alive he’d be proud.

*HHH applies a sleeper*

Lawler: “NOBODY HAS USED THIS MOVE IN YEARS. ITS A CLASSIC!!!”

HHH bores the shit out of me in control. Then RVD comes back and at least TRIES to make it interesting again by quite literally kicking the fuck out of HHH.

REF BUMP~! Frog Splash. No ref. Shock and horror.

Fuck me at the set up to the low blow on RVD. Dumbest shit ever.

Sledgehammer comes out to play. Flair shows up. Nails RVD with the hammer. HHH wins. Urgh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

D-Lo Brown and Billy Kidman are… backstage talking. Some old man from… the Young and the Restless or something? I dunno. I don’t know why this is a thing. I just don’t get it.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Molly Holly – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Ha.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Chris Benoit Vs Kurt Angle

Oh christ I forgot this was on the show lol. I used to like this… then again I used to think their RR 03 match was ***** and their Raw cage match was good. So fuck knows how I’ll end up feeling about this. That being said I used to love their Backlash 01 match… and I STILL fucking love it. Hopefully this falls into that category. Better do. Sick of watching shitty matches! Need the taste of HHH/RVD out of my mouth.

So the first 5 minutes maybe, are utterly pointless. They just exchange hugs and shit while moaning and groaning like weirdos .

Cole “Benoit’s got like 0% body fat”

Tazz “I used to have that!”

Cole “When? When you were 2?”

Commentators talk about how great the CONDITIONING~! of both these guys is… yet they are both utterly fucked and are doing the old “both guys down while the ref does a 10 count” thing after… almost nothing lol. They did the hug exchanges at the start… then Angle gets a couple of moves in, Benoit makes a little comeback and… that’s them knackered apparently lol.

Well, time for FINISHERS~! Because… I dunno, they’ve hugged for a while, then pretended to be knackered for a while so we gotta do a finishing stretch. Benoit cheats to win.

I don’t… I’m not… what? I can’t point to this match and say “it’s fucking terrible”… because… I don’t really have ANY opinion on it. It’s just there. Nothing offensive, nothing to make me hate wrestling… but nothing for me to like. A whole bunch of stuff and that’s it.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

HLA TIME! But they crap all over it. They tease us with hot HLA. Then Rikishi comes out in drag. Bischoff seems to be the only person to not know its him. Ends up taking a stink face. Bah.

 

Brock Lesnar Vs The Undertaker – WWE Championship Match

Ummm…

.

This is the IYH: Ground Zero match to Lesnar & Undertaker’s HIAC match. Like HBK/Undertaker GZ, this is a match that is simply used to BUILD to another match. And not in the shitty way like we’ve seen in the past (and future, since this is from 2002 lol). Instead they give us a great match but it ends in a way that makes us NEED a rematch, and a rematch inside some cage or cell to keep them from fucking shit up and giving us a non finish again. On last watch, this match did it just as wonderfully as HBK/Undertaker. Hope it holds up at the very least .

Starts off . Lesnar is the young champion about to face his BIGGEST test yet, and he walks right up to Undertaker and looks him in the eye, so Undertaker just pushes him away like he’s fucking nothing. MIND GAMES played by both guys .

I love how Heyman sees that Lesnar is getting in trouble, so he sacrifices himself, taking a HUGE boot to the face, to allow Lesnar to capitalise on a distracted Dead Man. And man oh man, Lesnar just fucking SPEARING the shit out of Undertaker into the corner is a great way to capitalise on such a situation lol.

 Undertaker’s awesome strikes are awesome. Lesnar had been working over the BODY of Undertaker, so Undertaker fires back with some BRUTAL body shots that fuck Lesnar up.

More Heyman distraction and BAM~! WWE title to the face of the Dead Man and the Dead Man is busted open!!!

BRAWLING~! Undertaker is just killing it with his punches. Lesnar wants to nail him in the head with the title? Undertaker is gonna retaliate with massive punches right in the FACE.

Ref Bump! MATT HARDY! BAH GAWD MATT HARDY IS HERE~! He gets killed .

Poor ref keeps getting knocked down and shit lol. His own fault, he shouldn’t be in the ring while these 2 MONSTERS are going at it. Kinda like how the army stand around getting mauled while Godzilla and King Kong battle or something. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU DUMB FUCK. 

Lesnar and Taker are just trying to KILL each other. Lesnar is trying to hang with ‘Taker to show that while he’s young and fairly inexperienced, he’s still a top player, while Undertaker is trying to hang with Lesnar and prove that despite getting older, he’s still the big dog that runs the yard. And as a result, like I already said, we end up with both of them just trying to KILL each other. 

LESNAR IS BLEEDING~! And Undertaker is making sure to go after it. Lesnar has never been CUT in a match before, so it’s cool to see how he reacts to it, and well, that’s pretty much how we get to the finish of the match. The BEAST has been hurt and now he’s pissed. They just battle in the corner and the dumb arse ref keeps getting involved, and ends up just throwing the match out. Fans ain’t happy, and yeah, you can’t blame them. Nobody likes a non finish, especially for a main event, but they followed up on it like fucking BOSSES with the HIAC match, PLUS they keep on fighting after the bell rings, ending with Undertaker lobbing Lesnar through the Unforgiven stage!!!

 Still love this one. A wonderful build to HIAC, AND a pretty fucking sweet match to boot.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

Vengeance 2002

 

One of the earliest wrestling DVD’s I bought! And I got it in HMV in Glasgow lol. Crazy what random shite I can remember!

 

Bubba Ray & Spike Dudley Vs Chris Benoit & Eddie Guerrero – Tag Team Tables Match

Benoit’s first PPV match in 13 months!

Benoit and Eddie look great early on. Spike does a short FIP and then gets a “hot” tag in on Bubba, who doesn’t even get a single bit of offence in for a while! Always like when they deviate from the typical match structure without fucking shit up. Works even better here because of the fact it’s Benoit’s first PPV match in 13 months. Make him look STRONG in his return.

GERMAN SUPLEX TO BUBBA. Bubba takes it like a MAN.

You know that spot where someone places a guy neck first on a ring rope, then stands on their back, using all of their weight to choke their opponent? Well… that happens when Benoit does it to Bubba… and EDDIE STOMPS HIS HEAD REPEATEDLY TOO. Awesome variation on a classic move .

Man, Bubba gets absolutely CRUSHED in this match. He is the main FIP it seems and he takes one hell of a beating. Benoit is looking incredible in his PPV match return. Spike does ok coming in every now and then to try and help out, though I do find it funny that he’s essentially the hot tag guy in the match .

TABLES~! I like how they take a while to bring them out, just as Benoit and Eddie believe that have finally done enough to wear down their opponents. They fail on a couple of occasions of course, because that wouldn’t be very suspenseful for a match lol.

ALL OUT BRAWL~! All 4 guys are just trying to do anything to gain control of the match now that the tables are out and set up, meaning one small mistake could cost either team the match.

BUBBA THROUGH A TABLE!!! But he put himself through it so… does that mean he’s lost for his team? Nah, that would be stupid (and awesome. “ladies and gentlemen, Bubba Ray has put himself through a table, therefore your winners, Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero!”).

 at Spike seemingly getting lost in the match. He sends both Eddie and Benoit to the outside… then just starts pacing up and down, looking around wondering “the fuck am I doing?”.

DUDLEY DOG! EDDIE THROUGH A TABLE!!! THIS IS AN ELIMINATION MATCH AND I TOTALLY FORGOT!!! LOL!!!

PRESS SLAM OVER THE ROPES THROUGH A TABLE!!! Awesome spot to eliminate Spike. BENOIT RULES~!

BUBBA BOMB~! BENOIT THROUGH A TABLE~! I GUESS BUBBA RULES INSTEAD BECAUSE HE JUST WON THE MATCH FOR HIS TIME!!!

Good match. Good tag action before they even attempt to bring in the tables, and from there we get some good brawling and table spots! Definitely one of the best tables matches ever, though that isn’t saying much haha.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Eric Bischoff backstage with HHH trying to convince him to sign with RAW. But HHH is having a meeting with STEPHANIE FAP FAP.

 

Jamie Noble Vs Billy Kidman – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Kidman has Noble’s number going into this match, havign already pinned him in a non title match and getting a big win over TAJIRI on SD last week too. All that momentum follows through into this match as Billy rocks the CW champion early on!!!

Nidia, who has helped Noble many times in the past, including KOTR where Noble won the CW title, gets involved and gets THROWN into Kidman lol, distracting him for a moment allowing the champ to target his arm.

Ya know, I’m starting to like Noble less and less the more I see his WWE work. His matches seem to just be “opponent gets the better of him early on, Nidia distracts, Noble goes for the arm. Finish”. And yeah, plenty of guys work a similar match style for all their matches, but eh, Noble working the arm doesn’t seem to be that engaging a lot of the time, nor does it really pay off. He doesn’t have an arm submission hold, his finish is a POWERBOMB, and Nidia more often than not helps him win.

Some flashy shit at the end, then a powerbomb from Noble and he gets the win. Standard shit.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Kurt Angle. He doesn’t deal in IFS. He deals in WHENS.

 

PAUL HEYMAN AND BROCK LESNAR. This isn’t the Summer of Brock, IT’S ALL YEAR ANGLE.

 

William Regal Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE European Championship Match

So Jeff is the European Champ. Regal cried after losing it . Not sure if it was about losing the belt, or more about losing it to JEFF HARDY lol.

BRUNI~! I have no idea what that is, means or is about, but Cole and Tazz bang on about it at the start of this match lol.

Regal SLAPS Jeff early in the match and Jeff just crumbles up like he got knocked out lol.

Stiff offence by Regal, flippy shitty offence by Hardy.

HALF NELSON SUPLEX .

Quick roll up and Hardy retains the title out of nowhere. Regal cries again.

Meh. Decent in parts (REGAL).

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Flair and Hogan congratulate Hardy on his epic EUROPEAN TITLE match win. LOL.

 

Flair & Hogan taking the piss out of the fact they are both old. Awesome .

 

Chris Jericho Vs John Cena

Cena pre-gimmick of any kind. LOL.

Boring stuff. Then this happens:

Then they pick up the pace for about 1 minute with a big move or two. Lionsault. Jericho doesn’t cover. Cena goes all early Superman (soo… SmallVille Cena?) and gets the win still. Poor Jericho. Can’t beat 2002 Cena. LOL.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Bischoff and Coach are outside of STEPHANIE’S office waiting for HHH to come out. STEPH’S attorny shows up with some papers for them to sign. Bischoff ain’t happy.

 

Tazz and Cole getting REPLACED by Lawler and JR.

 

Brock Lesnar Vs Rob Van Dam – Intercontinental Championship Match

Last month at the KOTR, these two met in the finals, and thanks to Heyman, Lesnar picked up the win. RVD is out for VENGEANCE. AT VENGEANCE. GET IT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Lesnar is all “lol I’m awesome” at the start of this match, then RVD is all “amma kick you in the face a bunch of times” and does and Lesnar is all “wai you kick me in the face you bitch?” and Heyman is all “stick to the plan you moron” and Lesnar is all “MURDER RVD” and does. POWERSLAM ON THE FLOOR looks and sounds epic.

 RVD goes for a leg sweep… and I can’t tell if Lesnar sells it terribly OR if he BOTCHES JUMPING OVER IT .

Lesnar continues to murder RVD in epic ways, while RVD gets some nice shots in here and there. I swear his kicks always looked better against Lesnar. Probably because Lesnar just let him kick him in the face for real lol.

“SQUEEZE HIM BROCK, SQUEEZE HIM! SQUEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!”

Finishing stretch is . RVD takes it right to Lesnar, goes for a frog splash, only for Lesnar to grab him off the ropes! F-5… NO!!! Countered into a DDT! 5* Frog Splash! 1..2..HEYMAN PULLS OUT THE REFEREE~! DQ loss for Lesnar!

Big brawl after the match which is pretty awesome too. Lesnar gets the last laugh. Did these two have another match after this on Raw?

Awesome stuff. LESNAR.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

STEPHANIE comes out of her office. Bischoff asks if HHH signed. She says yes. He goes insane. HHH comes out. Bischoff goes off on one. Turns out it was DIVORCE PAPERS that he signed. LOLOLOL.

 

The Big Show Vs Booker T – No DQ & No Countouts Match

Show being all giant-y and throwing Booker around = .

KNOCKOUT PUNCH TO THE STEEL CHAIR~!

What the fuck just happened? I… what? The fuck? Show smashed Booker T into the ring post… then ran at Booker to crush him between his own body and the ring post… and BOOKER T DIDN’T MOVE. What? That’s like, the most obvious spot ever in a match. Nobody EVER hits that. The guy ALWAYS moves.

Ok, things are back to normal, the Spanish Announce Table gets broken . With a pretty cool AXE KICK. And good god Big Show is back up! Big Show is still going! How is Booker gonna stop this GIANT?

LOW BLOW. AXE KICK. HOUSTON HANGOVER!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

Booker T wins!

Super fun match, and probably my favourite BOOKER T match. Not quite his best, but definitely one of the funnest. Me likely long time.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

TORRIE WILSON AND DAWN MARIE FAP FAP FAP. They argue over pointless shit. JR says they don’t have time for them and they move on .

 

TIME TO PLAY THE GAME. OF CONTRACT NEGOTIATION. Stephanie and Bischoff are both wanting to sign HHH to their show. HHH decides to go with STEPHANIE because he’s the hottest or something. HBK shows up. Convinces HHH to come to Raw. Always liked this segment tbh. I’m not overly high on IN RING SEGMENTS taking place on a PPV, but this felt big and important and was GOOD, so I’m fine with it tbh.

 

Booker T being interviewed backstage, but more importantly… GOLDUST IS WITH HIM. GOLDUST. WOOO. Crazy to think that GOLDUST is still going strong 11 years later and outperforming 99% of the entire roster.

 

Edge & Hulk Hogan Vs Lance Storm & Christian – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

So this is a match. With tags. A tag match, if you will. They do stuff. I don’t care. New tag champs. Whatever.

“THEY’RE GONNA RUB IT IN OUR FACES AND SHOVE IT DOWN OUR THROATS EVERY CHANCE THEY GET”

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

STEPHANIE FAP FAP claims she’s gonna rip the HEART out of Raw. I can’t remember exactly who that ended up being. Lesnar after SS? Undertaker after SS? Eddie & Benoit before SS?

 

The Undertaker Vs The Rock Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Undisputed Championship Match

. Loved this since it happened. Bought this DVD for this match alone. Had it at ***** and the GOAT triple threat for a LONG time. Don’t hold it in such high regard any more but it’s still a favourite of mine.

Kinda wish this had just been Angle Vs Undertaker. Build up with their tie on SD leading to a PPV match would have been . Rock just ruined the whole thing lol. He tries to screw Undertaker out of the title for NO REASON at KOTR and ends up getting a title match. Fuck you, Rock.

Undertaker and Rock have a staredown to start things off, and poor Kurt feels left out. So he gets their attention. And they maul him .

Undertaker is . He has Rock in the corner getting ready to beat the fuck out of him, and the fans start chanting for Rock. Undertaker looks on with sheer DISTAIN, then decides to really fucking DECK Rock with a MASSIVE punch and I  the entire time.

CHOKESLAM~! BY THE ROCK! ON UNDERTAKER!!!

ANKLE LOCK~! BY THE ROCK! ON KURT ANGLE!!!

ROCK BOTTOM~! BY KURT ANGLE! ON THE ROCK!!!

ANGLE SLAM~! BY THE UNDERTAKER! ON KURT ANGLE!!!

 Man that whole sequence is such fun. Everyone using everyone else’s finisher. The ultimate sign of disrespect, and if they could have WON with someone else’s move it would have been something to brag about until the end of time.

 at Lawler MARKING OUT like a bitch because Rock spat HIS water into Undertaker’s face.

Undertaker continues to rule this whole thing. Beats the fuck out of Angle, and beats the fuck out of Rock for spitting water in his face too. NOBODY GONNA STOP THE CHAMP!

ANGLE IS BLEEDING. FROM PUNCHES TO THE HEAD BY UNDERTAKER .

APRON LEG DROP~!

Holy FUCK at that Old School. Instead of smashing down on Angle’s arm… he fucking PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE. OFF THE TOP ROPE. EPIC.

Undertaker . He really is on top of his game here. Angle tries to deck him with a chair, but he sees him coming and blasts him in the face with a punch! He is on a roll, and it takes a LOW BLOW by The Rock (what a standup guy!) behind the referee’s back and a chair shot to the head by Angle to take him down.

ANGLE SLAM TO ROCK~!

LAST RIDE TO ROCK~!

ANKLE LOCK TO UNDERTAKER~!

UNDERTAKER ESCAPES~!

LAST RIDE~! NO! COUNTERED INTO THE TRIANGLE CHOKE JUST LIKE SMACKDOWN!!! Callback spot .

This time Undertaker counters it with a powerbomb, but Angle holds on and Undertaker is fading fast!!!

CHOKESLAM TO ANGLE~! Undertaker is looking like the baddest motherfucker on the PLANET in this. ROCK BOTTOM! UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT!!!!!!!

ROCK BOTTOM TO ANGLE~! UNDERTAKER CAN’T GET THERE IN TIME. ROCK WINS THE TITLE. BOOOOOOO!

 This still holds up as a super fucking fun match. 3 guys just beating the absolute FUCK out of each other. A lot of times this style of match just doesn’t work, but for whatever reason, everything clicks here and it’s .

Undertaker was just SPECTACULAR in this match btw. MVP of the match and THEN SOME. Just incredible tbh. It’s like he KNEW his last few PPV matches were god awful (Hogan, HHH x 2), and wanted to show everyone that he’s still the fucking MAN. And he did. He is STILL THE FUCKING MAN.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 15

Rebellion 2002

 

Fuck me Michael Cole on commentary sounds like he’s on something. HI HI HI HI HI I’M MICHAEL COLE AND WOW WOW WOW LOOK HOW BIG MY HAND IS RIGHT HERE AT REBELLION IN MANCHESTER ENGLAND OMG OMG OMG THIS IS AWESOME!!!!

Stephanie McFapfap kicks off the show . She announces Undertaker won’t be here tonight. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH. I’d still do her though. FAP.

 

Booker T Vs Matt Hardy

Oh wow, this looks horrible on paper lol. I like Matt, and he had a GREAT run from like, 02 to 09, but fuck, Booker T drags shit down so much. Also, this is a SD PPV… and Booker T is on Raw. THE FUCK BITCHES?

MATT LOVES ENGLISH MUFFINS. You know, I don’t even know what an English Muffin is, nor have I had one (would be weirder if I’d had one and still didn’t know what it was, right?).

Brilliant TAZZ commentary: “SMACKDOWN: WE DON’T CHEAT AROUND HERE. SOMETIMES.”

BAAAARGH BUHHHHHH BURRGAAAGHHHHHH!!! Those are all noises you can hear from Booker T during a comeback.

Tazz: “THAT WAS A CRUMPET AWAY FROM A VICTORY FOR THE BOOK MAN” WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING YOU DAFT MIDGET?

What a great match. What an incredible match to kick start this PPV. Oh wow what an incredible match right here in Manchester. These are all things Michael Cole and Tazz say about this match that are 100% bullshit.

This whole match is a giant ball of fuck all.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena & Dawn Marie Vs Billy Kidman & Torrie Wilson

Just no. 2002 Cena = LOL. Divas = LOL.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Funaki Vs Crash Holly

Crash mocks Funaki. And gets kicked in the face. Ha.

Match is about as basic as you get, just a filler match between 2 Jobber Cruiserweights. Best part was Crash mocking Funaki at the start, and a KILLER cut off clothesline later on.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Tajiri Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Jamie Noble – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Elimination Match

 fuck me sideways this looks INCREDIBLE on paper. Elimination style is  too as it guarantees us a great one on one match regardless of who might get eliminated first!!! Hopefully this match will make up for the shite fest the show has been so far.

 at Cole making a jab at Tazz being ORANGE.

Fun stuff to start, making good use of the fact there are 3 of them in the match. More unique tripley threat spots, usually featuring 2 guys trying a move and the third guy sort of getting in the way of it and getting knocked down almost by accident lol. Nice change from your typical triple threat spots.

TAJIRI KICKS~!

TIGER BOMB~! Tajiri is… eliminated? Already? 

Well, at least we are left with REY VS NOBLE, and  at that.

Noble focuses on the arm of Rey, busting out some sweet shit to target it.

Urgh, Tazz is trying to be “English” which is apparently what all colour commentators must attempt when over in the UK. FUCKING STOP IT YOU ORANGE MIDGET.

Unfortunately the arm stuff gets a little dull, with too much time just sitting in holds rather than making shit interesting .

 I just found THE single greatest sign ever. For real. I mean the single greatest absolute GOAT sign anyone has EVER brought to a show. “KANE RAPED ULRIKA”  UK people will laugh, everyone else will remain clueless as to who Ulrika is .

Rey makes a comeback and hits a bunch of big, high impact moves, but Noble either kicks out or is saved by Nidia.

TIGER BOMB~!

KICK OUT!!!

Noble wins with a counter to a roll up, and apparently Nidia helps him but the camera angle we saw doesn’t show that .

So this was HIGHLY disappointing. I mean MAJORLY fucking disappointing. Tajiri was gone way too quickly, and the arm stuff on Rey was mostly dull, and the finish fell FLAT AS FUCK too .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

 at Benoit and Angle acting like kids backstage as they try to work out who is TEAM CAPTAIN. Also, HOW HILARIOUS A BAD TEETH JOKE IN ENGLAND. I love how they always come up with new, innovative jokes to mock us .

 

The Big Valbowski & Chuck Palumbo Vs Ron Simmons & D-Von

Chuck and Val as a team? Val going by THE BIG VALBOWSKI? The fuck is this craziness?

Farooq and D-Von together? I know they were stuck together in the tag title tournament… but they stayed a team afterwards? And Farooq is now just going by RON SIMMONS. Because. Stuff. This entire match is INSANE. Makes my head hurt.

So this is a bit of a mess of a match. Some ok stuff when it comes to RON beating someone up, but other than that it just doesn’t work for me. Man, this PPV is sucking HARD HARD HARD right now.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Albert Vs Rikisi – Kiss My Arse Match

Albert hasn’t quite changed his name to A-TRAIN yet. But he’s dressing like A-Train.

 at Albert’s promo before the match.

Tazz: “ALBERT DOESN’T SHAVE HIS ASS?” Oh I’m sorry Tazz, I didn’t realise that this wasn’t normal. Best get my shaver out…

 god this is fun. Finally, something worth seeing on this show.  at Rikishi bending over as Albert runs at him, causing the big guy to back the FUCK OUT OF THE RING.

 at Albert being heckled by fans, so he tells them to shut up and rubs his chest seductively .

HEADBUTT TO ALBERT~!

ALBERT IS UNPHASED~!

HEADBUTT TO RIKISHI~!

RIKISHI GOES DOWN~!

ALBERT GIVES BETTER HEAD THAT RIKISHI~!

Wait, what?

Tazz is fucking OBSESSED with Albert’s hairy ass. OBSESSED.

 at Tazz making what he THINKS are seal noises. Ends up sounding like a retard took over commentary.

BYCICLE KICK~!

SUPERKICK TO ALBERT~!

BONZAIIIII!!! Albert loses, and now he must KISS RIKISHI’S ASS. Which is shaved. Because that’s normal apparently.

Albert tries to run, gets told he will get suspended if he doesn’t. He gets back in the ring, attacks Rikishi, tries to give HIM a stinkface which backfires and he ends up with a face full of ASS.

This was fun lol.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Afterwards Tazz and Cole and Tony Chimmel dance with Rikishi.

 

Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle Vs Los Guerreros – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

BANGLE VS EDDIE & the other guy!!!

 at the video package pretty much being the No Mercy tag match video package… minus anything to do with REDGE.

Crowd LOVE both Angle and Benoit, and BOOOO the shit out of Chavo when he tags in to start things off .

Despite the fact LOS GUERRERO’S are the opponents here, it’s the one up-man-ship feud between Benoit and Angle that seems to be the focus early on, and the crowd being split on the two followed by actually chanting “WE WANT ANGLE” when Benoit tags in plays a BIG part in the match in the early going. It’s all fun 

 Eddie and Chavo are just MEAT for Angle and Benoit to fuck about with to try and prove who the better man is. Angle hits a German? Benoit charges into the ring and hits one two. Can’t decide which was better? STEREO GERMANS~!

Angle and Benoit basically competing against each other pisses LOS GUERREROS off, forcing them to become more vicious and actually gain control of the match with Benoit playing FIP.

GORY SPECIAL~! That’ll show them for looking past LOS GUERREROS!

Benoit gets worked over a little longer, but eh, nothing setting the world on fire here, but at least it doesn’t suck or anything lol .

HOT TAG TO ANGLE and the fans go crazy. Fucking Manchester… people. I’m sure they have some shitty name like Manchestians or something retarded like that but I don’t know or care. YOU SUCKS. Stop cheering Angle over Benoit you tits.

Finishing stretch starts off good from the hot tag, with Angle going all crazy, then it slows down and kinda kills the momentum they were building, before going back to CRAZYVILLE for the finish… but even the finish ends up being a bit awkward lol.

Overall this is still a fun and solid match, but eh, I’m just not loving it like I used to .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman Vs Edge – WWE Championship Handicap Match

BOTH MEN IN TIPPY TOP SHAPE~! Tazz has a wonderfully shit way with words…

Lesnar shows off his POWER early on, then Edge resorts to his quickness to frustrate THE CHAMP, and it works for a little while until it just makes him MAD. And you wouldn’t want to see Lesnar MAD. Well actually you would because he’s awesome. KILL THE EDGE!!!

Does anyone do a better BACK BREAKER than Lesnar? Especially when he does them in triplicate .

Lesnar on offence is just tremendous. Everything looks awesome and nasty and PAINFUL, especially the unique submission hold he does which is like a modified Boston Crab, but BROCKAFIED. And anything BROCKAFIED is PAINFUL and AWESOME.

Could have done with fewer rest hold in this one though. Lesnar sits in a couple of holds, and yeah they look NASTY because of how powerful he is, but even then I can only watch for so long before my mind wanders.

Poor Heyman. Edge ASSAULTS HIM twice for NO REASON at all. First he Spears him off the apron, then when Heyman finally recovers about 10 minutes later, he gives him a baseball slide and sends him crashing into the announce table. And BOTH TIMES Edge does something to Heyman, he takes his eye off Lesnar, allowing Lesnar to fucking KILL HIM the moment he turns around. DUH ME EDGE AND ME STOOPID.

Oh look, Edge going after Heyman a THIRD TIME. What the fuck? Edge can pin Heyman without Heyman tagging in? THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?

Michael Cole: “DROPKICK! WE ARE GONNA CROWN A NEW CHAMPION!!!!”  sure Cole, Lesnar survived HELL IN A CELL WITH UNDERTAKER, but a fucking DROPKICK FROM EDGE is gonna end his title reign. Ya dumb bastard.

Nice counter from an F-5 into the Edgecution!

SPEAR! Lesnar kicks out!

CHAIR TO THE GUT~! F-5~! Lesnar retains the belt.

Match is ok. Nothing special. Lesnar rules, but the match is dragged down by a couple of rest holds that last far too long. Fun finishing stretch.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2.5