Month: February 2015

One Night Stand 2006

 

It’s ONE NIGHT STAND II: Wasn’t this only supposed to happen once? Like once in a lifetime? DAMMIT WWE.

 

Show starts off with a Paul Heyman promo. It can only go downhill from here . A “FUCK YOU CENA” sign .

 

Poor Paul, he has to hype up the NEW ECW . The fans are excited for it. Oh the disappointment they would be in for. Despite the fact the new ECW was overall better than the original .

 

Jerry Lawler Vs Tazz

OLD SCHOOL HEEL LAWLER . He slaps the fuck out of Joey Styles on his way down to the ring. Ha.

Oh yeah, btw, Tazz can’t wrestle. Not in a “you can’t wrestle” way, but in a “THE DOCTOR SAYS YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” way .

Joey jumps Lawler, Lawler sets him up for the Piledriver, Tazz locks in the Tazzmission from behind, and Lawler gets choked out.

Probably a top 10 original ECW match .

OMG OMG OMG a “PORK” sign in the crowd .

Not giving this a DUD because, well, it’s fun for what it is.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – *

 

Randy Orton Vs Kurt Angle

CLASSIC ECW MATCH UP RIGHT HERE~!

Tazz asks Joey if he thinks Orton looks out of place here, because he thinks he does. And Tazz is right. Orton is talented, therefore out of place in ECW .

Yes, I’m gonna be shitting all over ECW throughout this ramble .

Orton is returning from his suspension… so maybe he DOES fit in with the ECW guys!

What the FUCK did they do to Angle’s theme music?

Seriously, what is that chant? FLUB FLUB ANGLE FLUB FLUB? I’ve heard it tons of times over the years, and I’ve never once understood what they are actually saying.

PUSSY~! I understand that chant .

BREAK HIS ANKLE~!

Angle went straight for the Ankle Lock, and Orton was pretty great at fighting for his life and struggling to escape.

ANGLE’S GONNA KILL YOU~! Oh man, a few months later he’d be going up against JOE IS GONNA KILL YOU~!

FUCK YOU ORTON~!

Some great EEEEE SEEEEEE DUB action here with Angle applying a HEADLOCK on the mat .

Huh, I wonder what was said there. They’ve chanted FUCK YOU ORTON and PUSSY, but something was just bleeped out lol.

Angle totally schooling Orton on the mat, slapping the back of his head for good measure.

Lol, Angle lets Orton apply a hold on him, and Angle just slips out of a headlock twice, then hits a suplex to escape the third. THAT is the kind of Angle we should have gotten more. Have him make sure we all know he’s better than everyone else with the amateur shit.

Wait… are they chanting FUCK OFF CENA now? Why?

Orton is in control of the match now. No idea how he did that.

Angle keeps countering and locking in holds on the mat. Yey. And of course Orton keeps using his favourite hold, the headlock. Just in case the ECW fans were getting bored .

seconds after I wrote that, we got a BOOORING chant. It’s fine for Angle to use a rest hold, but Orton? FUCK HIM .

Well despite being beat up and worn down by Orton, a single back suplex from Angle somehow cures him completely .

ANGLE SLAM~! Aaaannnd a kickout. Of course. Can’t be finishing a match with a finisher! That would be silly.

YOU SUCK DICK~!

Absolutely MASSIVE crossbody from Orton! Looked like he connected pretty hard with Angle too .

Ankle Lock, and this is over with.

Hmmm… I guess it’s not an awful match. Has some good stuff, but didn’t do too much for me. Could have been worse .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

F.B.I. Vs Super Crazy & Tajiri

Holds and counters on the match early on. Nothing to write home about until Tazz makes a BOB BACKLUND reference .

Tajiri gets tagged in. KICKS~!

at Tajiri screaming like a girl as he throws Little Guido into the corner.

Super Crazy missed a moonsault .

Double team move to Super Crazy, with Nunzio hitting a front dropkick while Tony Mamaluke holds him in position. Tajiri seems offended that people are kicking without him, so he storms into the ring and kicks the fuck out of everyone .

BLACK WIDOW BY TAJIRI~! I prefer AJ Lee’s version .

Tarantula by both Tajiri and Super Crazy!

Big Guido comes in and gets kicked to fuck.

Tajiri ends up alone and gets pinned.

Honestly… this was meh. Most of the time it was “do something gain control, then sit in a submission hold” over and over again, except for when Tajiri was in the ring and kicked everyone to death. Tajiri is fucking BOSS.

After the match, THE BIG SHOW shows up and has a stare down with Big Guido, and murders everyone.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Yey JBL has come back to ECW One Night Stand again to save us! one of his security guards looks JUST LIKE Steve Austin, and there is a fan in a Mysterio mask behind him that could very well be Rey too .

 

He brings up the Blue Meanie incident, then says RVD was made in WWE by Vince McMahon. He then announces he’s replacing Tazz on Smackdown!

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Sabu – World Championship Extreme Rules Match

Remember when they took the “Heavyweight” part out of the World Heavyweight Championship so Rey could hold it?

Rey is getting booed because… I dunno. He’s now a success in WWE?

SABU VS REY MYSTERIO IS A DREAM MATCH~! no, it really isn’t.

CHAIR FIGHT~!

Holy shit, Sabu jumped off a chair and didn’t botch!

If there is one thing I like about Sabu (and trust me, there IS just one thing lol), it’s his way of using a chair. He doesn’t swing it, he just fucking THROWS IT at the face of his opponent.

what the fuck was that? . Ok, so Sabu set a table up between the apron and guard rail. Puts Rey on it. Sets a chair up in the ring… runs, jumps off the chair onto the ropes, then launches himself… onto the floor . Rey moved out of the way, yet Sabu wouldn’t have even hit the fucking table . HE MISSED .

Rey with a Seated Senton to Sabu, putting them both through a table! See Sabu, THAT is how you jump off the ropes AND land on the table! I guess that’s something they teach you in WWE and not ECW .

BALLS FIRST ONTO A CHAIR~! Ouch.

CHAIR TO THE FACE~! Double ouch.

Sabu gives it another go with the running + chair + jump + ropes + jump again through the table, and lands a fucking DDT!!! Through the table!!!

And in typical ECW fashion, the match is ended there because they can’t fight any more .

at the doctor or whatever he is who declares that they can’t fight any more. Sounds like a right girl .

Match is garbage and it ending like that, in ECW of all places, is shit.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge, Mick Foley & Lita Vs Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer & Beulah McGillicutty – Extreme Rules Match

Fucking FINALLY. Something worth watching on this damn show!

Foley cutting another epic promo. STEPHANIE MCMAHON, THE GENIUS BEHIND ECW~! LONG LIVE THE ALLIANCE~!

Lita’s boobs seem to want to leave her top. Awesome.

Beulah and Lita weren’t even supposed to be part of this match, but after they make bitchy comments at each other, they decide to join in the fight anyway lol.

FOLEY VS FUNK~!

Funk starts off with SLAPS, which based on every wrestler’s account who has ever been slapped by Terry, is worse than being punched by everyone else .

The match has quickly turned into a brawling mess . Terry is punching Foley in the eye to try and re-open the cut from the last time these two hooked up.

Funk throws a trash can at Edge like Sabu throws chairs, and it actually looks more brutal than when people swing it.

Foley punching Terry in his eye .

Dreamer and Edge do some stuff in the ring. Nobody cares. FOLEY AND FUNK~!

BARBED WIRE BOARD~!

Dreamer gets his ear “stuck” in it apparently… yet there is no blood or signs of any damage .

Foley goes into the barbed wire and his hands are bleeding straight away. I guess Dreamer isn’t as manly as Foley .

BARBED WIRE TO THE FACE OF TERRY~!

Apparently a wooden board of barbed wire isn’t enough, so Foley asks Lita to pass him some more to wrap around his arm!

FOLEY SMASHES HIS BARBED WIRE COVERED ARM INTO THE FACE OF FUNK~!

MY EYE! GOD DAMN! MY EYE, MY EYE OH GOD! Repeat of Lawler/Funk Empty Arena Match . This is the greatest thing EVER .

I remember seeing this for the first time and honestly thinking Funk injured his eye. Guy rules at selling his eye!

Lita legdrops barbed wire into Dreamer’s balls… while Beulah stands on the apron and does NOTHING. Pfft, she’s a terrible wife!

MR SOCKO MANDIBLE CLAW TO BEULAH~!

MR SOCKO MANDIBLE CLAW AND SPEAR TO DREAMER~!

And now Edge proceeds to dry hump Beulah on live PPV .

FUNK IS BACK~! With the biggest eye bandage ever and a 2×4 wrapped in barbed wire!!!

FIRE~! FUNK HAS FIRE~! FOLEY IS ON FIRE! FOLEY IS ON FIRE AND GETS KNOCKED THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE BOARD!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

CROSSFACE TO EDGE USING THE BARBED WIRE~!

CAT FIGHT~!

DREAMER DRIVER TO LITA~! What a piece of shit Tommy is!!!

SPEAR TO BEULUAH~! Dry hump pin, and this is over!

God I love this match. It has the crazy ECW shit you would expect, but it’s done extremely well by talented guys like Foley and Funk. Some violence involving women too, which was an ECW staple. One of my favourite crazy multi-person brawls . Foley and Funk RULE.

at Funk stuck in the barbed wire, blood all over his face and bandage, and he looks like he’s ranting about losing the match . God… Funk is GOD.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Balls Mahoney Vs Masato Tanaka

They hit each other with beer. In plastic cups. EEEE SEEEE DUB! EEEE SEEE DUB!

Tanaka loses after ONE chair shot. Maybe he hadn’t recovered from being put through a billion tables last year?

What a total load of NOTHING this match was.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Eugene shows up . ECW fans are a bunch of cunts. THEY ARE BOOING A SPECIAL PERSON. Sandman shows up and canes the poor retard. BE A STAR, Sandman.

 

John Cena Vs RVD – WWE Championship Extreme Rules Match

RVD is cashing in MITB tonight in hopes of winning the WWE title!

Joey Styles says RVD might be the greatest wrestler to never hold a world title . Jericho might be the man of 1004 holds, but I probably have a list of 1004 wrestlers more deserving of a world title than RVD . Just replace every instance of ARM BAR with ARN ANDERSON .

Oh god there is still 30 minutes of the show to go . Please someone tell me I forgot about a 15 minute title celebration from RVD at the end.

IF CENA WINS WE RIOT~! I think after they saw that they should have called the fans’ bluff and let Cena win . LET’S SEE HOW EXTREME YOU REALLY ARE, FANS!

The fans are pretty hilarious though when they keep throwing Cena’s shirt back at him . So how does Cena respond? BY THROWING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. one fan spit on it and another wiped his arse with it . Glorious. If they can fill 20 minutes of the match with this I’ll throw ***** at it .

FUCK YOU CENA chants followed by toilet paper being thrown at him . This might be the best start to a match ever .

RVD was just winning a test of strength against Cena. What?

Props to WWE for leaving the crowd chants intact all the way through this show btw. Seems the only time they bleeped anything out was when the wrestlers said FUCK.

RVD just won a punch off with Cena . Insane.

The crowd are shitting all over Cena, so he gets back at them by launching RVD at them. OH, YOU DON’T WANT MY SHIRT? HERE, HAVE RVD YA FAT FUCKS!

Cena is getting “Same old Shit” chants for doing his usual offence. RVD does his usual offence and OMG ITS TEH GREATEST THING EVER!!! ECW fans are just hypocrites .

FOOK ME, RVD might suck balls 99% of the time, but he can take one hell of a DDT, and the one he just took on a chair was beautiful.

Then he takes another great bump as he goes head first into the chair while it’s in the corner!

Cena is picking up momentum and getting into his groove despite the hostile crowd, and he appears to be having fun now at their expense.

RVD lifts Cena up for a back suplex then moves towards the ropes… and I have no idea if he was going to bounce Cena off the ropes ala Tully Blanchard or if he was trying to crotch him or just dump him outside, but RVD basically loses his strength and just kinda drops Cena into the ropes and Cena tries to hang on to save whatever it is they were trying to do, but ends up falling to the floor anyway . And they chant YOU CAN’T WRESTLE to RVD? Give me a fucking break .

STFU TO RVD~! Oh man, imagine if RVD tapped out? How GOAT would that have been?

RVD gets the ropes, and the referee drags Cena off even though it’s a fucking EXTREME RULES MATCH. So Cena decks the referee. And so he fucking should have! Biased ECW referee. The Nick Patrick of ECW!

Ha, speak of the referee and sure to appear! He comes Nick Patrick because… apparently there were no other ECW referees in the back, but there WAS a Smackdown referee waiting for his turn? LOL.

OMG SOME MYSTERY GUY JUST SPEARED CENA THROUGH A TABLE!!! It’s Edge! THANK YOU EDGE chants, despite what a giant cunt he was earlier.

FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH~! But Edge took out Nick Patrick! So Paul Heyman shows up, makes the pin and RVD is the NEW WWE Champion! Because… Heyman is also a referee?

Overall, this match is a ton of fun, mainly thanks to the fans and how Cena reacts to them. As far as the actual quality of the match though… it’s lacking in a lot of ways. There is no real story to it; just 2 guys taking turns at being in control for a few minutes. And that’s it really. Take the crowd away and this would be awful .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8

Vengeance 2005

 

Alright, last show for 2005! God I hope this holds up. Seems most people are down on this event these days. Either the HIAC doesn’t do it for them anymore, or then absolutely shit over HBK/Angle, or both. Currently, SummerSlam sits at the top of the PPV list in 2005, which was the first one I watched. People told me it was the best and I should watch it last, so I told them to fuck off and I watched it first. Will that come back to bite me in the arse? Nah. I can fake enjoyment of the show if need be .

KIDDING. If this blows, I’ll shit all over it. But I’m hoping it doesn’t because I’ve always loved the event and the matches. HOLD UP, DAMMIT.

 

Carlito Vs Shelton Benjamin – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Remember when they stuck the US title on Carlito in his first match on SD? Then stuck the IC title on Carlito in his first match on Raw? And he completely sucked and never got any better?

Shelton keeps going for an early pin, and Lawler speculates that he is doing it because he’s still feeling the effects of his crash and burn dive on Raw and wants to end the match as soon as possible before his health fails him.

Carlito keeps knocking Shelton down and Shelton is definitely showing the effects of his failed dive, but he continues to fight through it, causing Carlito to grab his IC belt and leave! If Shelton is still putting up THIS much of a fight despite being injured, maybe he should get out now.

Shelton of course chases him down and the match can continue. He’s doing well against Carlito, but again continues to sell his injuries, which I guess is his head? Not complaining or anything I just thought his back would have been the obvious choice lol. The more Shelton dishes out to Carlito, the slower he gets, allowing the IC champ to take full advantage.

So Shelton is doing great with the selling of his head, being all woozy and shit… meanwhile Carlito decides to sit in fucking CHIN LOCKS half the time and kills any chance this match had of being truly great. STOP SUCKING, CARLITO.

In the end, Shelton goes head first into an exposed turnbuckle on a Stinger Splash and Carlito wins.

This SHOULD have been great. Shelton was pretty fantastic in his role to be honest, but Carlito seemingly not being able to work a match around an injury prevented it from being great.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Victoria Vs Christy Hemme

Hmmm… no.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Cena interview. Somehow Todd reveals he pissed himself as a kid at school.

 

Kane Vs Edge

Ahhh, the beginnings of Edge and Lita uber heels.

THAT FAP FAP LITA WEDDING DRESS.

How could Edge and Lita have a wedding on Raw btw? Wasn’t she married to Kane? Did they even get a divorce? Why do I even care?

Kane looking over at Lita right before he starts punching the shit out of Edge. Kane is ANGRY. Kane gonna kill someone tonight.

WE WANT MATT and SHE’S A CRACK WHORE chants. GOAT match for that second chant alone .

Kane has been mauling Edge this entire match so far, but one move from Lita, pulling Edge off of Kane, allows him to smash Kane’s face into the ring post and land a SPEAR on the floor! The momentum has shifted!

was that a YOU SCREWED BRET chant? EARL HEBNER IS NOT EVEN THE REFEREE. THIS ISN’T CANADA. WHY DID THEY CHANT THAT?

Maybe it was a YOU SCREWED MATT chant and I just heard it wrong. That would make more sense.

THE DEMON KANE is stil fighting back, letting his ANGER fuel him. Goooooood, goooooooooood [/emperor palpetine].

KANE EXPOSED HIMSELF ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE~!

SPEAR COUNTERED WITH A FUCKING BOOT TO THE FACE~!

SNITSKY~!

LITA TRIES TO SEDUCE KANE~! HIS HAND AROUND HER THROAT TELLS ME IT MIGHT NOT HAVE WORKED…

STEEL CHAIR AROUND LITA’S NECK. Don’t you do it Kane…

Yey Snitsky saved the day! I guess that makes up for the whole baby killing thing?

BRIEFCASE TO SNITSKY~! CHOKESLAM TO EDGE~! KANE WINS~!

Well, I say he wins. He’s still lost Lita, and didn’t win the Goldrush tournament for a title shot. So uhhh… yeah.

Good match. Kane was an unstoppable angry force and Edge was a sneaky heel trying to gain the advantage any way he could. Fun, though slightly mess finish too.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Kurt Angle

Nice little callback to their WM match at the start, with Shawn locking in a headlock, the move he used to frustrate Angle in their previous match. Only this time Angle is perhaps prepared for Shawn doing something like that, and wastes no time getting back to his feet and shoving Shawn into the ropes to break the hold.

People complain about Angle matches having the whole “opponent out-wrestling Angle” schtick, which is certainly true for a lot of them, but I disagree with it at WM. If people say it happens here then once again I disagree. Angle would take down Shawn, HBK would try to escape and Angle would be on him again in a second. Shawn more often than not escape holds and Ankle Lock attempts from Kurt by getting to the ropes.

GERMAN SUPLEX ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!

Angle probably could have beaten Shawn there with a countout, but Angle wants to PIN Shawn or make him SUBMIT, just like he did at WM, to prove that HE is the best wrestler in the WWE right now.

POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE~!

Angle is throwing out EVERYTHING to beat HBK twice in a row!

Kurt keeps going after the back of Shawn, just like WM, but he cannot put him away. Another German Suplex, another pin, and another kickout. Angle is starting to wonder what he needs to do.

Angle Slam attempt, but HBK manages to escape! He’s not softened up quite enough yet, so Angle realises he needs to inflict more damage!

Nip up and no sell comeback from Shawn, but as he tunes up the band and looks to land Sweet Chin Music, Angle runs him the fuck over with one hell of a clothesline!

Fuck me, they showed the clothesline a couple of times on a replay. Looked even more spectacular.

FINISHING STRETCH TIME~!

Angle Slam. Kickout. Surprised nobody .

Ankle Lock… countered into a roll up!

REF BUMP~!

And the ref bump was utterly pointless. No pin attempts, no phantom tap outs… just Shawn being thrown to the floor, brought back in and put in the Ankle Lock when the referee has recovered. WHY DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!?!

Shawn apparently must have prepared his ankle to withstand the Ankle Lock for the same amount of time as WM, as he holds on for a long arse time and gets to the ropes, then still has enough strength for a SUPERKICK~!

at Coach. I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE KICK OUT OF SWEET CHIN MUSIC.

Ok, so the ANGLE SLAM didn’t get it done. The ANKLE LOCK didn’t get it done. Shawn is still throwing out those superkicks. So Angle does the last thing he can do. The single, most BRUTAL and deadly move. This is the kind of move that a Japanese wrestler would use for 20 years and NOBODY would ever kick out.

DOUBLE AXE HANDLE~!

At least, I THINK that’s what he was going for. WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD HE JUMP OFF THE ROPES IN A STANDING POSITION SO HE COULD GE SUPERKICKED IN THE FUCKING FACE?

Shawn wins. God I hate that finish .

Overall.. I STILL like this match. It ain’t garbage. But at the same time, it’s nowhere near their WM match. I used to consider this to be better, but no more.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Batista interview, that leads into a small brawl (hey, anyone remember that Twisted Metal game? Was awesome) with him and HHH.

 

LILLIAN GARCIA FAP FAP. She’s got the hots for VISCERA. I miss the WORLD’S LARGEST LOVE MACHINE gimmick. Viscera coming out in the smoking jacket like a giant black Hugh Hefner was awesome. LILLIAN sings to Viscera, then asks him to marry her!!!

Awww, a nice happy ending to this love story! UNTIL THE GODFATHER SHOWS UP WITH HIS HOS AND RUINS THE WHOLE THING . THESE ARE BABYFACES RUINING THE LIFE OF LILLIAN .

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho Vs Christian – WWE Championship Match

So this starts off as predictable as can be. Jericho and Christian OMG SHOCKINGLY team up against Cena. Then for some reason Tomko decides to take out Jericho, which gets him sent to the back.

F-U TO CHRISTIAN OVER THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR~! Props to Christian for taking an almost fully flat back bump from that height to the floor!

And hey, that’s at least a good way to get rid of Christian for a while to give us the typical 1 on 1 action in a triple threat match.

Jericho tries to suplex Cena through the announce table, and the fans chant EEEE SEEEEE DUB like morons. Cena ends up reversing it and nearly kills Jericho on what looked like a botched DDT. Seemed like Jericho thought Cena was going to reverse the suplex into a suplex of his own, but Cena was actually going for a DDT the whole time.

Hebner takes the greatest ref bump ever and practically no sells it!!! I guess there was no planned ref bump there so he wasn’t able to sell it . Which is a shame because it could have put him out longer than the ref in Taker/HHH WM 17 .

Cena fucking SMASHES into the steel steps, and it looks like his mouth is bleeding too. Not sure if it happened there but I would understand if it did.

“ALL 3 MEN ARE DOWN AND I DON’T KNOW WHY THE REFEREE IS COUNTING BECAUSE THERE ARE NO COUNTOUTS” – JR .

The pace starts to pick up as all 3 men get involved in the action at the same time, giving us some fun and unique triple threat moves, something a lot of these matches fail to give us.

TOMKO HIT AND RUN~! CHRISTIAN IS ABOUT TO WIN THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP~!

And of course Cena kicks out.

F-U to Christian and this is over with.

Fun match!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Batista Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Basic start to this match, with the typical “throw each other into the side of the cell” stuff. Not until the CHAIN comes out does this match get interesting.

HHH WHIPS BATISTA WITH THE CHAIN… and the best part is the referee’s reaction . Then Batista sells being choked out by the chain before HHH can apply any kind of pressure . After that though, some of the choking spots in the ropes look pretty fucking violent tbh. Good stuff.

I think Batista has been watching the GOAT match leading up to this, as he emulates Undertaker picking up HBK and smashing him from ring post then into the cage over and over again. Except HHH is heavier than Shawn and Batista doesn’t seem to be as strong as perhaps Undertaker was in 1997, and after a couple of slams into each side Batista almost drops HHH out of exhaustion .

HHH gets busted open from just being pushed head first into the side of the cell. I dunno, feels like a crappy way to get busted open in 2005 during a HIAC match tbh .

SPINEBUSTER~! Seems that HHH bleeding just motivated him a little.

BARBED WIRE STEEL CHAIR~!

HHH smashes it down on Batista’s back, and Batista has a bunch of little puncture wounds on his back . Props to Batista for taking that chair shot TWICE to the back.

Then HHH takes a shot to the fucking FACE with the chair. Fuck taking shots to the back like a pussy .

“HE MAY BE A NO GOOD BASTARD IN A LOT OF PEOPLE’S EYES” JR rules.

So Batista took two shots to the back with the barbed wire chair. HHH out did him with a shot to the face. So Batista is going all out and takes a fucking DDT on it!!!

a fan is chanting BORING . Literally just ONE fan .

SLEDGEHAMMER~! I like how at the start of the match, the referee didn’t give a SHIT that HHH was using a chain. The Sledgehammer comes in and apparently that’s a no no .

SLEDGEHAMMER TO BATISTA~!

LOW BLOW TO HHH~!

Batista rises up and gets the sledgehammer for himself and looks evil as fuck. He’s gonna CAVE HHH’S SKULL IN with it. And then HHH smacks him in the face with the steel chain before he gets the chance .

Ha, pretty fucking awesome spot with Batista using the sledgehammer in place of his boot to counter HHH coming off the ropes, and HHH SPEWS BLOOD before collapsing in pain .

That seems to be the turning point as THE ANIMAL begins to build some real momentum and absolutely destroy HHH. And then…

PEDIGREE~!

BATISTA KICKS OUT~!

Spinebuster on the steel steps. No CAPS or ~! for that because Batista placed HHH down so fucking gently he might as well not fucking bothered.

Batista sets up THE GAME for a Batista Bomb, but HHH grabs the Sledgehammer. HHH is coming down onto Batista’s head with the hammer, but Batista hits the BOMB first and gets the win!

So this had plenty of VIOLENCE~! and HATE~! but… was just missing something and honestly I can’t place what it was. Maybe some sort of real structure, I dunno. I can’t describe it. It’s still a great match, just not the classic I once considered it to be.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

Armageddon 2005

 

DEATH CONQUERS ALL.

WWE ARMAGEDDON. TONIGHT FEATURING THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND; HELL IN A CELL. LIVE FROM THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CENTER .

 

JBL Vs Matt Hardy

So this match is happening because… JBL interrupted a promo from Matt Hardy on Smackdown. Guess creative were on holiday… for about a decade.

Fucking FIGHT right here . Matt gets caught neck first in the ropes and JBL goes to fucking town on his head with punches and kicks, then pulls on his legs to choke the fuck out of him!!!

So did Matt do something wrong? Because JBL looks like he’s trying to fucking MURDER him lol. Was he (Matt) the guy that refused to get beat up by Undertaker at SVS when the SD roster came out to celebrate with Orton, because he was supposed to get a push soon after and didn’t want to look weak? Or was that someone else? Or did I just invent the entire situation in my head? My head is a crazy place though, if I made it up it would have involved some kind of dragon probably. I dunno. JBL IS KICKING MATT IN THE FUCKING HEAD MULTIPLE TIMES.

CLOTHESLINE FROM FUCKING HELL. This is over. Absolute SQUASH of Matt. Great to watch but seems like poor booking, especially considering how OVER Matt was thanks to the whole Edge/Lita shit.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Video package showing how Melina whored herself out to Batista in hopes of him not competing against MNM for the tag titles. Batista fucked her but said no deal .

Backstage Melina is getting ready and the Mexicools show up, saying they’ll cancel the match with MNM tonight if she does for them what she did for Batista .

 

MNM Vs The Mexicools

Melina looks FAP.

You know that spot where one guy tries to take a run up then jumps over the ropes to the outside, but the referee stops him? Then the referee leans over the second rope to tell the guys on the floor to get back into the ring, and the guy in the ring runs the ropes and uses the referee to launch himself? Well Super Crazy did that while the referee was STANDING UP.

MNM just can’t seem to get going here. They get a few moments of control, then the Mexicools throw out some crazy move and MNM end up back to where they started.

The great team work of MNM is what finally turns the tide for them. They isolate Psicosis and use all the tricks in the book to prevent a tag, and that’s one of my favourite things that MNM used to do . The Dudley Boys went down to OVW to help out MNM to groom them as the next big tag feud which was supposed to happen after the ECW One Night Stand PPV. Instead Johhny Ace apparently fucked them over and they got released, so we never got MNM Vs The Dudley’s, and dammit that just makes me sad .

Mexicools do their best, and look to perhaps have the former tag champ’s number here tonight, but again it’s the superior team work that comes into play, and MNM gain the victory! Melina continues to look SMOKING FAP FAP HOT.

Good match!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Chris Benoit Vs Booker T – Best of 7 Series for the WWE United States Championship – Match 4

Booker T needs to win this match and he’s got a clean sweep over Benoit. Got told by a number of people I should absolutely 100% watch this match. Tough shit! . I just don’t like their chemistry together. Never enjoyed their stuff. Can’t stand Booker T. Not watching.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon come out to introduce Santa and his elf. They end up being Vito and Nunzio are handing out coal and keeping the sweets for themselves. Boogeyman comes out to beat them up.

 

Bobby Lashley Vs William Regal & Paul Burchill

Lashley has his fun early on, even bringing Regal unto the ring so he can beat both guys up at once. However, since both Regal and Burchill are English, they are naturally evil too, and they cheat to gain the advantage!

They really go to town on Lashley’s back. Some sick knees from Burchill including one from the top rope!

Doesn’t take long for Lashley to power his way through both guys and pick up the win. Pretty fun for the time it gets though.

Rating: *3/4
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Tim White suicide segment! WHO THOUGHT THESE WERE A GOOD IDEA?!!?

 

Juventud Guerrera Vs Kid Kash – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Juvi seems to be pissed at Kash early on but I have no idea why lol. Oh well. Juvi is throwing some pretty sweet punches to the face so I don’t really care if there is a reason .

Booooring. Since match is them going through the motions for 90% of it. Even the “big spot” off the top rope looks so contrived I didn’t give a fuck about it.

They do a bunch of flse finishers and even the fans are more like “isn’t this over yet?” rather than “OMG HE KICKED OUT THIS IS STILL GOING!”. Kash kicks out of the Juvi Driver and the fans barely care . This might be the blandest finishing stretch I’ve seen in a while.

Brainbuster. New champ.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Batista & Rey Mysterio Vs The Big Show & Kane

Smackdown Vs Raw, Tag Champs Vs Tag Champs!

So I was watching some shoot interview recently, might have been the Trevor Murdoch one, and he mentioned that Big Show hated tagging with Kane. Anyone know anything about this? Do they not get along, or is it something else?

Rey has 619 painted on his chin . Looks DUMB AS FUCK .

Batista tries to match power with Big Show and fails… so he decides “fuck it, amma punch you in the FACE” and he does .

Kane comes in, and gets thrown off the ropes by Batista, then Rey tags in and hits 2 of the WORST legdrops ever. For a guy known for his high flying, he BARELY gets off the ground for them .

Batista and Rey CHEAT to almost finish off Kane, so Big Show returns the favour and takes out Rey. Serves them right tbh!

Big Show rules. He grabs Rey out of the corner, then walks him over to Batista and teases letting him get the tag, only to kick Batista’s hand instead and laugh at him .

Show makes the mistake of knocking Batista off the apron, and Batista is all “fuck it, amma kill everything” and he does .

Then Kane chokeslam’s Rey for the win .

Match honestly was too short for my liking. Didn’t feel as “big” as I think it should have been. A bit disappointing. What they did was actually good, but definitely felt rushed.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs Randy Orton – Hell in a Cell Match

MAIN EVENT TIME .

“He holds the fate, in the palm of the Undertaker, in his hands” VINTAGE MICHAEL COLE~!

Undertaker slams the door shut, and the referee is actually TERRIFIED to get close to it to lock it. AND HE’S ON THE OUTSIDE .

Orton is desperate to keep this match in the ring and keep it a WRESTLING match, in hopes of repeating the success he had at SummerSlam. However Undertaker is just UNSTOPPABLE early on, dominating Orton regardless of the cell being used as a weapon or not.

Once Undertaker is in firm control, the BEATING can commence. STEEL CHAIR TO THE HEAD. TWICE. Orton is bleeding and completely out on his feet. The Dead Man rubs his face into the side of the cage right in front of Daddy Orton. Note to self: Don’t set Undertaker on fire in a casket.

Randy manages to grab a chain, but he’s too fucked to use it. Instead, Undertaker grabs it and chokes out the Legend Killer! Man, Orton is taking one hell of a fucking beating here. He’s just getting MAULED and it’s fucking awesome.

There’s a great moment when Orton is on the floor and holds his head after going face first into the cage, and sees the blood all over he hands. From there he goes fucking nuts and manages to actually mount some offence… until Undertaker kicks the steel steps right back into him. Orton is going to need more than the sight of his own blood to motivate him tonight.

One opportunity. That’s all he needed. Bob talks trash to Undertaker. Undertaker turns to look at him. Turns back, and Orton jumps up, lands an RKO dropping Undertaker neck first on the ropes, and that gives him a chance to rest and FINALLY dish out some punishment to the man who has been murdering him for the last 10 minutes.

UNDERTAKER JUST JUMP OFF THE STEEL STEPS AND KNEED ORTON IN THE FUCKING FACE . I always remember the signal cutting out at that VERY MOMENT while watching live so we didn’t get to see the move fucking happen.

BOB ORTON again comes into play, grabbing Undertaker’s hair through the cell and holding him for Randy! In the end is results in poor old Bob getting busted open too.

POWERSLAM INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE~! Undertaker looked to be going for that running knee again, but Orton countered and powerslammed the Dead Man right into the cage!!!

Why are there rope breaks in a HIAC match? Doesn’t take away from the match but… seems kinda stupid .

LOW BLOW WITH A STEEL CHAIN~! Good job Undertaker already has kids… .

Absolutely crazy crossbody off the ropes to Undertaker through a table! The table cracks but doesn’t quite break, instead falls over which makes for an awkward looking landing for both men, Orton especially.

Hmmm… Orton has Undertaker in the corner. Mounts him for 10 punches. What could possibly happen here?

LAST RIDE~! Orton escapes! Thankfully. He’s wrestled Undertaker enough this year to see that coming and counter it, just like he did at No Mercy too.

REF BUMP~!

CHOKESLAM INTO AN RKO~!

BOB ORTON SNEAKS INTO THE CELL WHILE ANOTHER REFEREE COMES IN~!

MASSIVE Last Ride. Fuck me, that might be up there as one of the best. Some serious fucking height despite the fact there is a roof above them, and Orton crashes down to the mat.

Bob breaks up the pin, so Undertaker beats the shit out of him, and Bob bleeds on him, which pisses Undertaker off to no end because it turns out Bob has Hepatitis and didn’t tell anyone.

TOMBSTONE~! ORTON COUNTERS AND HITS A TOMBSTONE OF HIS OWN!!! He’s tried that at WM and SS and failed, but now, finally, in their last match he HITS IT!

1…2… UNDERTAKER IS ABOUT TO LOSE TO HIS OWN MOVE… KICK OUT!!!

Undertaker keeps sitting up, and Orton keeps punching him in the face until he can’t sit up no longer. Undertaker plays mind games with Orton though, pretending he can’t get up, and as Orton takes the time to be cocky and pose, Undertaker grabs him by the throat!!!

CHOKESLAM TO BOB~!

TOMBSTONE TO RANDY~!

The Undertaker wins.

Match is fucking superb. Absolutely BRUTAL Hell in a Cell match, up there with the absolute best. Both men take a ton of punishment, but Randy takes one hell of a fucking beating. Great way to end their feud.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

No Mercy 2005

 

This is the event that got me back into wrestling after I kinda gave up on it following WM 21 when Cena and Batista were both champions! I saw an advert hours before the event started, showing Eddie Guerrero Vs Batista which make me think we might see EDDIE win the title, and a CASKET MATCH with The Undertaker against Randy & Bob Orton!

 

MNM Vs LOD & Christy Hemme

Christy and Melina. FAP FAP FAP.

HEIDENROPE~! Good start to the match with Michael Cole unable to call Heidenreich by his actual name .

LOD want to kill MNM because not only did they interfere in a match on Smackdown, but they gave Christy the Snapshot!!!

DAMN!

Animal has a bad shoulder, so MNM focus their offence on it, and they are able to land a Snapshot within the first few minutes!

ANIMAL KICKS OUT!

Well… MNM just had their finisher nullified within the first 5 minutes. Where the fuck do they go from here?

Melina puts a head scissors on Animal. Everyone watching is jealous.

Animal hits a powerslam and has the chance to make a tag… so he goes for a cover instead . I hope Heidenreich kicks his injured arm out of his arm for that .

Melina tags herself in because she doesn’t want Animale to make a tag. Animal catches her and tags in Christy. DOOMSDAY DEVICE FROM ANIMAL AND CHRISTY TO MELINA~!

Melina totally sandbags being turned over into the pin .

Well this was fine. Fun. MNM rule.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Batista and Eddie! They wish each other good luck in the most unconvincing way EVER.

 

Simon Dean Vs Bobby Lashley

I remember when I saw this live. I obviously hadn’t watched for a couple of months and hadn’t seen Lashley before. I thought he was Monty Brown from TNA . That’s not racist, right?

20 DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS~! Well now I’m hungry. If Simon doesn’t win tonight, he’s gonna eat all 20 of the burgers!

So this is Lashley’s FIRST PPV. Damn, he was in the SVS Raw Vs SD match after only being on PPV ONCE before?

Simon Dean distracts the referee… BY THROWING BURGERS . Then he uses the tray to deck Lashley, who no sells it, and proceeds to botch a cool attempt at setting up the Dominator .

Squash city.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Is JBL standing on a box? Because fuck, he’s towering above Rey more than I think he should lol.

 

Chris Benoit Vs Christian Vs Booker T Vs Orlando Jordan – WWE United States Championship Match

Fans pop like crazy at the announcement of the fatal four way lol. Unsure of this one. Half the talent involved are tremendous. The other half are Booker T and Orlando Jordan.

Early on Benoit is on fire. Firsty he takes an awesome turnbuckle bump that sends him to the outside for a minute or so allowing the heels to double team Booker T. He bumps so fecking well from it you can easily believe that would take him out for a while. Then when he comes back in he fucking DOMINATES.

Bah, we end up with a Benoit/Booker staredown as the commentators CONSTANTLY tell us about their history with the Best of 7 Series in WCW over the US title. Almost like they want us to remember it in case they do something similar .

Benoit took that awesome bump into the turnbuckle, then Christian damn near kills himself bumping off the top rope to the floor! Benoit takes the same bump at the same time but doesn’t do it with quite the style of CAPTAIN CHARISMA~!

Basically everything good about this match comes from Benoit and Christian, be it their bumping or them on offence. The number of people surprised by this is equal to the number of people who think Chavo Guerrero Jr is a worthy addition to the family… .

In the end Benoit retains when he makes Christian tap out. This would also be the last WWE PPV Christian would wrestle on (he appeared at TT backstage as an option for a match) until 2009!

Nothing special here, but yeah, Benoit and Christian make it more than just watchable. I mostly had fun tbh.

Sharmell tells Booker that Chris Benoit is not his friend and he made him lose. Setting up that heel turn and Best of 7 Series. Urgh.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Mr Kennedy Vs Hardcore Holly

Is this Kennedy’s first PPV match? Why am I even wondering this. I’ve WATCHED all the PPV’s from 2005 prior to this one except for Vengeance, and I know he wasn’t on that one .

THE ALABAMA SLAMMA HARDCORE HOLLY . THAT’S HOW HE GETS INTRODUCED .

Holly beats Kennedy up. I have fun with it .

Then Kennedy works the arm. And by work I mean sits in a hold for about a minute. I stopped having fun at this point .

HO.LY.SHIT. Holly lands a flapjack on Kennedy that might be the most vicious version of the move I have EVER seen.

Then THIS happens:

Kennedy wins. This was pretty fucking awful tbh lol.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

JBL Vs Rey Mysterio

What was the deal with Jillian Hall’s thing on her face? Is that one of those infamous ideas that Vince McMahon thinks is hilarious and does it even though it’s retarded? The thing is quite obviously fake lol, nobody in their right mind think it’s real, yet everyone on the show always acts like it is .

Also, she is apparently JBL’s image consultant. What on earth, during all her time with him, did she ACTUALLY do? She’s the most useless non wrestler ever!

Mysterio plays cat and mouse with JBL, running away and tiring the big Texan out. Which begs the question WHY DOES JBL EVEN BOTHER RUNNING AFTER HIM EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME?

Ok, JBL is officially retarded. He uses Jillian to avoid a crossbody from Rey, who lands on the apron and doesn’t do the move. Then, while Mysterio is still standing on the apron… JBL TURNS AROUND AND SLOWLY WALKS AWAY, allowing Mysterio to still JUMP OFF THE FUCKING APRON onto him.

He makes up for it by sending Mysterio into the steel steps, then absolutely DESTROYS him in the corner .

FALL AWAY SLAM OFF THE ROPES~!

FALL AWAY SLAM IN THE RING~!

FALL AWAY SLAM ON THE FLOOR~!

MYSTERIO STILL KICKS OUT~!

JBL locks in a bear hug and makes it awesome by CLUBBING Mysterio’s back every now and then . Then it turns into a “Rey keeps trying for a comeback” match and that’s always awesome.

Mysterio looks to have this won and CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~!

Wasn’t really feeling this one tbh. Was ok, but didn’t really do it for me. Never thought much of their matches at all tbh.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs Randy Orton & Bob Orton – Handicap Casket Match

How fucking AWESOME are the look-a-like mannequins that WWE use? Must be kinda creepy for the guys to open a casket and see themselves in it lol.

And the biggest pop of the night goes to Undertaker’s GONG!

Gotta love how it takes MULTIPLE punches to take down BOB Orton, but Randy bumps from one . Not a complaint, don’t get me wrong, just amusing . BOB ORTON fucking rules so he can take as many punches to the face as he fucking wants before he goes down. Might I also say he fucking bumps and sells from those punches better than most of the roster at the time.

This is just a fucking MASTERCLASS on how to bump and sell punches. Randy does it pretty great as it is, but his Dad is on a whole other level. He can do it in the “realistic” style (as realistic as wrestling gets, anyway), but he can also throw in some old school stooge bumps too, like being hit, looking out of it and falling face first into one of the turnbuckle pads .

at Orton getting thrown over the ropes and hanging on to them for his life because the casket was open. Always good to see guys really play up the fear of being put in the casket.

OLD SCHOOL ON OLD SCHOOL~! Orton saves his Dad!

Double superplex!!! Bob Orton hit a superplex with Randy off the ropes!!! Guy is still taking bumps off the rope at his age!

Double DDT!!! Bob even takes a bump off that better than his son! Bob Orton is still fucking tremendous. Gotta love it!

Undertaker is doing a great job of keeping on top of the match despite being against 2 men. He hits Bob then turns his attention to Randy, who is obviously the guy you wanna work over more. Bob is great at still being a game changer with things like low blows and shit.

CHAIR TO RANDY~! RANDY IS IN THE CASKET!

TRIANGLE CHOKE TO BOB ORTON~! BOB IS IN THE CASKET!

Orton manages to get out before the lid is closed, leaving poor old Bob alone in the dark, while Undertaker and Orton can battle it out!

UNDERTAKER HITS RANDY WITH A FUCKING LOW BLOW . That’s how much Undertaker fucking hates Randy!

Gotta love how Randy realises his Dad is out of the match for the time being, and really turns up the aggression. But his arrogance costs him when he poses to the fans while on the ropes doing a 10 punch, and of course you just KNOW what’s gonna happen! Last Ride… avoided! Randy dodged it, but still ends up taking it anyway!!!

Undertaker has this in hand, opens the casket to put Randy in… and Bob Orton uses a fire extinguisher to blind the Dead Man! He can’t see, and walks right into an RKO!!!

BOB ORTON IS ROLLING UNDERTAKER INTO THE CASKET! BOB ORTON IS GONNA BEAT THE UNDER… CHOKE! UNDERTAKER IS CHOKING BOB! FIRE EXTINGUISHER TO THE HEAD! UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET! ORTON TRIES TO CLOSE THE LID AND… UNDERTAKER DRAGS HIM INSIDE!!!

The lid opens back up, and Undertaker takes a steel chair to the face! RANDY AND BOB WIN!!!

Then in a repeat of the 1998 Royal Rumble, they SET THE CASKET ON FIRE!!!

I swear this match gets better and better every time I watch it. It’s just beautiful. Bob is a tremendous worker even at his age. Orton is in his absolute PRIME, and Undertaker is better than he has been in years too. They work the handicap stip wonderfully, they use the casket and the fear the Orton’s have of it well, and everyone puts in one hell of a performance. I love it. Best. Casket Match. Ever.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Juventud Guerrera Vs Nunzio – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Undertaker just got set on fire in a casket, so let’s follow up with stereotypical Mexicans riding lawn mowers!!!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

Oh man, Nunzio takes one hell of a boot to the face.

Cole and Tazz spend about 5 minutes talking about Juventud’s name. Then Tazz literally says that there is also a CW title match going on so they should probably get back to it .

Sweet finish, but that’s about all I cared for in this one. Dull. New champ.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Batista Vs Eddie Guerrero – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Eddie spent the better part of the year trying to rip Rey and his family apart. Now he just wants to be Batista’s friend! An interesting angle, that unfortunately we never got the end of . Was Eddie REALLY a changed man? Or was he gonna turn on Batista in order to become WHC?

The fans chanting for him and Eddie smiling and playing up to the crowd is great to see . I’M YOUR PAPI shirt! I bought that when I went to Raw the week after he passed away . Still got it. Doesn’t fit me, but I still got it.

No HATE~! or anything here, just two “friends” going for the WHC. Eddie keeps trying to take Batista down to the mat, but the POWER of the champion keeps him on his feet.

A slow start to this one, with neither man going all out just yet, but the fans are still into everything they are doing which is great. They work a simple standing headlock spot for a while, with Eddie trying to escape, but Batista being too powerful and preventing the escape, forcing Eddie to try something else.

Eddie just can’t seem to get going, and for a second he contemplates using a steel chair, but thinks better of it. Batista gets angry at the fact he even went for a chair, but his ANGER almost costs him the WHC as Eddie drops him throat first across the rope and lands a Frog Splash to the back!!! He kicks out, but the damage has now been done!

They keep playing up on Eddie almost reverting back to the “old” Eddie. He takes off the tag rope and looks to use it to choke out Batista, but like the chair, he throws is down and decides against it.

Batista keeps using his strength to fight out of various submission holds, but his back is too hurt for him to follow up, allowing Guerrero to keep control of the match and move one step closer to winning the gold!

SMALL PACKAGE FROM BATISTA~!

Holy shit at that ref bump. IT LOOKED ORGANIC!

With the referee down, Eddie gets a HUGE grin on his face, and he brings in another steel chair!!! But he can’t do it! I don’t think it quite gets the reaction Eddie wanted from it though; the fans BOO him for not nailing Batista with the chair lol.

All that hesitation from Guerrero gave Batista an opportunity to recover, and THE ANIMAL IS UNLEASHED!

Batista Bomb attempt is countered into a Sunset flip attempt! Batista sells the back and almost falls backwards, but musters up enough strength for a Spinebuster, then collapses to the floor in pain! HE’S ACTUALLY SELLING THE BACK!!! Why couldn’t he have done that at the end of the Backlask match with HHH?

3 AMIGOS~!

Frog Splash… no! Batista moves, and Eddie rolls through… then runs right into another Spinebuster! Batista retains!

Good match. Might have enjoyed it more this time around than I have in the past. It’s not great or a masterpiece for anything, and the stuff with the steel chair near the end feels like a poor man’s Piper/Bret from WM 8. Still, overall a good match with some nice storytelling, and Eddie really made sure Batista worked to his strengths in the match.

Eddie’s final PPV match ever . And he managed to get a good match out of Batista. Not bad .

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 11