Month: October 2015

 

Survivor Series 2008

 

It’s all about SURVIVAL. Will I make it through this PPV without wanting to shoot myself in the face?!?!

 

At least AC/DC are doing the theme . That should get me through SOME of this show lol.

 

JEFF HARDY WAS FOUND UNCONSCIOUS IN THE STAIRWELL OF HIS HOTEL THIS AFTERNOON~! But don’t worry fans, WWE OFFICIALS are investigating! So… no police?

 

Shawn Michaels, Cryme Tyme, Rey Mysterio & The Great Khali Vs JBL, John Morrison, The Miz, Kane & MVP – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

HBK relegated to OPENING THE SHOW. LOL.

Yey, Mysterio gets to start the match against… MVP. Mostly Very Poopy.

Rey does some double team shit with JTG. MAYBE HE’S AN HONORARY MEMBER OF CRYME TYME~! Wow, who is feeding Cole lines? Donald Trump?

JTG is eliminated already .

MVP gets eliminated immediately after by Khali .

Khali Vs Kane time! YEY JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!!

KANE CAN DELIVER THE KISS OF DEATH AT ANY MOMENT. Ummm… what?

No seriously. What?

Kane is eliminated . Wow. Guessing this match isn’t getting a lot of time .

SHAD IS WEARING SHOES THAT AREN’T NORMALLY WRESTLING SHOES LET’S DISCUSS THIS DURING THE MATCH BECAUSE WE ALL SUCK AT ACTUAL COMMENTARY~!

Shad is eliminated. Probably because he isn’t wearing the right shoes.

We’re down to 3 on 3, so HBK decides to get involved in the match. HOW ABOUT GETTING INVOLVED WHEN ONE OF YOUR TEAM IS BEING PINNED SO YOU CAN BREAK IT UP?!?! WHY DOES THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN THESE MATCHES??!!

Lawler: That’s one of the most impressive moves Miz and Morrison have!

JR: Tagging?

JBL PUNCHING HBK’S FACE IN .

HBK gets workover for a bit by Miz and Morrison and meh I don’t care.

LOL Miz is eliminated.

Meanwhile Khali is still in the match .

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant and I honestly don’t know why. JBL and Rey are in the ring. Are they chanting it at Khali on the apron?

JBL is great in this, but the rest of his team have been utterly useless tbh.

HBK’s team was pretty useless too, but at least he had Rey as well lol.

*sigh* JBL gets COUNTED OUT.

Superkick to Morrison and this is over. How… pointless this whole thing was.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Michelle McCool, Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Maria Vs Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Kelly Kelly, Candice Michelle & Mickie James – Traditional Survivor Series Elimation Match

Hmmmm…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Casket Match

Oh, wait, no. No here. This is a BIG SHOW BLIP in their epic series of matches .

The casket gets a longer entrance than most guys in the opening elimination tag got in the ring .

I’m also a bigger fan of the casket than most of the guys in the opening elimination tag .

Big Show, like all giants (apparently…), is terrified of the casket. LOL.

MATCH STARTS WITH PUNCHES . Well at least I’ll get SOME enjoyment out of this .

LED DROP TO BIG SHOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!

UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET~! But Big Show is too scared of the casket to close it himself at first, so Undertaker is able to block the closing of the casket.

Less casket more FACE PUNCHING please.

SECOND ROPE CHOKESLAM TO BIG SHOW~!

NORMAL CHOKESLAM TO UNDERTAKER~!

BIG SHOW BREAKS THE CASKET~!

He’s had enough of this shit and decides to fuck off. Don’t blame him. This stipulation does not suit Taker Vs Big Show.

Undertaker on the other hand, he sits up and wants to continue fucking up Big Show.

WALL OF FIRE~!

Druids bring out another casket.

Big Show stands it up.

FACE PUNCHES~!

Undertaker Irish Whips Big Show into the casket which falls over and the lid shuts and this is over .

Urgh. What a bad match with a dumb finish lol.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The colon people are hitting on the Bella Twins backstage and then… the things get weird as other people randomly show up and get a PPV pay off lol.

 

Oh hey Team Orton. He has Regal and Henry. No way he can lose. Except Shelton and Cody are also on the team. Cody and Orton are having problems.

 

Randy Orton, Mark Henry, William Regal, Shelton Benjamin & Cody Rhodes Vs Batista, R-Truth, CM Punk, Matt Hardy & Kofi Kingston – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

If only this was a 2 on 2 tag with Henry & Regal Vs Punk & Hardy. Ah well, I’m still hoping for some fun here. Also kinda expecting to be disappointed. Which is what being a WWE fan has done to me. I am able to both look forward to and dread something at the SAME TIME .

Oh FUCK YOU WWE. Regal is eliminated within SECONDS.

See? I look forward to some Regal Vs Punk stuff in this match, and I get it. For like 10 seconds.

we did get Layla throwing her shoe at Punk’s face after the pin though .

HERE COMES THE UHHH… CODY RHODES~!

SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT MATT STRIKER UP. 70% of his commentary is him trying to give wrestlers some new tag lines and nicknames.

Cody says he’s everything his father isn’t. Well he’s certainly not over, so yeah, I agree.

half of Truth’s offense seems to be him jumping in the air and spinning. Oh yeah he’s just been eliminated too and NOBODY CARES . Seriously. The fans didn’t react, the commentators didn’t react, and I sure as fuck didn’t react.

I think Kofi just got eliminated too. I was busy not caring when it happened apparently .

Punk has also been eliminated.

HARDY VS HENRY TIME . I hope they forget it’s a tag and just wrestle each other for 10 minutes.

Oh well. Hardy pinned. Leaves Batista on his own and he immediately comes in and Spears Henry to eliminate him. Dammit.

BATISTA BOMB~! Shelton goes next.

Cody and Orton are the last 2 guys for Batista to eliminate.

BATISTA BOMB TO CODY~! But Orton tagged himself in, sneaks up behind Batista and hits the RKO to win the match!!!

This was a pile of shite. Who the fuck books the eliminations in these matches? Because they need firing.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Video package for Jeff Hardy… WHO WON’T BE COMPETING TONIGHT .

 

Triple H Vs Vladimir Kozlov – WWE Championship Match

Jeff was supposed to be in this match to make it a triple threat but he died in a stairwell or something and couldn’t make it. WWE really blurred the lines of reality and kayfabe because with all of Hardy’s drug issues in real life, people legitimately thought he’d OD’d in a stairwell and wouldn’t be able to compete tonight lol. Of course it was all FAKE~!

Just what a HHH/Kozlov match needs; rest holds within the first 20 seconds!!!

TNA chants .

Oh god I still have Jericho/Cena to go after this. And I fucking hate Jericho/Cena too. My god this entire PPV is awful .

Edge shows up to make it a triple threat match again. Everyone thinks Jeff Hardy has finally made it but nope, it’s Edge. With a beard. Beardge?

Fans are loving it because an arena of black guys would cheer Hogan coming out if it meant an end to the boredom of HHH Vs Kozlov.

Oh hey Jeff IS here too. Chair to HHH. Chair to Kozlov. Spear from Edge. Edge pins HHH. New champ.

Match was awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Chris Jericho Vs John Cena – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Cena breaks his neck and his return match is on PPV for the title. Because stuff.

Alrighty, this one STARTS off good. Jericho works the neck and Cena gives us a nice callback to his SS match when he goes to climb the ropes for that legdrop, but thinks better off it since the last time he did it he broke his neck.

CENA SENT INTO THE RING POST~!

CENA SENT INTO THE RING STEPS~!

JERICHO TRYING TO RIP CENA’S HEAD OFF~!

CENA NO SELLING EVERYTHING SO HE CAN HIT HIS 5 MOVE OF DOOM~!

JERICHO GOING BACK TO THE LIONTAMER VERSION OF THE WALLS OF JERICHO FOR ADDED PRESSURE ON CENA’S NECK~!

F-U~!

TOP ROPE LEG DROP BECAUSE FUCK IT MY NECK ALREADY BROKE DOING IT WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN THIS TIME~!

MORE NO SELLING OF THE NECK~!

NEW WHC~!

FINALLY MADE IT THROUGH THIS PILE OF SHIT~!

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – -1

 

Cyber Sunday 2008

 

Big freakin’ deal.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Kane – No Holds Barred

Wish this was a Burlap Sack on a Pole Match instead .

Gotta love WWE and their choices. No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere, or 2 out of 3 Falls. Basically 2 street fights and a normal match with more than 1 fall. Hmmm… match with weapons or match without weapons? I WONDER WHAT THE WWE UNIVERSE WILL CHOOSE!!!

Rey MISSED KANE on a dive. HE MISSED A 7 FOOT MONSTER .

AWESOME spot from Kane with a sliding dropkick right into Rey’s back who is wrapped around the ring post .

Why do wrestlers, usually BIG GUYS, run the ropes to do a dropkick… but STOP and then jump for the legdrop? WHAT’S THE POINT OF RUNNING FIRST?!!?

DID YOU KNOW? Kane is MUCH LARGER than Rey! Great insight brought to you by Jerry “atric” Lawler!!!

Gotta love how the fans get super fired up any time Rey gets some offense in, then Kane hits a clothesline or a big boot to put him back down and the crowd just DIE.

Rey using more of his SWASHBUCKLING style here!!!

REY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF KANE WITH A CHAIR~!

CHOKESLAM COUNTERED INTO A 619~!

THAT STUPID LOOKING SPLASH~!

REY PINS KANE~!

Fun match, but not as good as their No Mercy bout. Man, been so long since I started my PPV Rambles with that show lol.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

DIVA HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST~! Fans vote for who they wanna fap over the most. Michelle McCool is dressed as a slutty army girl. Katie Lea is a vampire. Lena Yada (who?) is… someone from Mortal Kombat? Candice Michelle is Marilyn Monroe and does an awful singing impression.

 

Jericho backstage with Cody, Ted and MANU. Jericho tries to manipulate them to take out Batista like they did Punk at Unforgiven. They basically tell him to fuck off .

 

Teddy Long shows up with his assistant TIFFANY . I miss THE TIFF. Anyway, Long is here to announce the winner of the ECW title match vote!

 

Matt Hardy Vs Evan Bourne – ECW Championship Match

The choices were Bourne, Henry and Finlay. Wow, the fans really couldn’t go wrong here!

EVAN BOURNE CAME FROM VIRTUAL OBSCURITY~! I guess that was a dig at Indy promotions lol…

Total Evan Bourne show for the first half of this match. Guy looks incredible. He’s flying around doing cool shit while also taking Matt to the Mat (hahaha) and looking dominant there too. But then Matt’s experience comes into play and he counters a high risk move by dragging Bourne back first across the ropes in an awesome looking spot .

Hardy is working the back over of Bourne. Matt Striker tries to get the fans to feel his pain with the line “ANYONE WHO HAS COUGHED OR SNEEZED HARD CAN IMAGINE HIS PAIN TIMES 100” .

SPINNING HEEL KICK TO COUNTER AN AXE HANDLE SMASH~!

With that, Bourne is able to make a comeback and from here on out its back and forth as both men desperately want to win and be the ECW champion!!!

After an awesome finishing stretch between the two, a Twist of Fate puts an end to Bourne’s title dreams for now.

Super fun match.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

MOAR DIVAS~! Beth Phoenix is a GLADIATOR. I’m sure there is a pubes joke somewhere there. Jillian is BATWOMAN. MARIA IS A BUNNY. She hops . Kelly Kelly is a sailor. Yawn.

 

Cryme Tyme Vs The Miz & Morrison

So what could we choose between here?

Mickie James & Jamie Noble (how odd…) Vs Layla & Regal. Because…???

Cryme Tyme Vs Jiz & Morrison…

and Punk & Kofi Vs Cody and Teddy with the titles on the line.

can’t believe what won the vote. Skipping like a mofo.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

More divas in potentially hot outfits? Ok! THE TIFF as a sexy sister! I’d get on my knees for her . Brie Bella is a… Egyptian? Natalya is a cop with handcuffs. Dirty slut . Eve as a Ninja Turtle! I’m still a little confused about finding that hot .

 

Jericho wants Khali in his corner tonight against Batista. Khali apparently says no. Takes him 2 minutes to say it, but he says NO and nothing else lol.

 

Santino Marella Vs Honky Tonk Man – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Didn’t care for Santino, but did love the HONK-A-METER lol. Santino is at 11 weeks, compared to the 64 weeks of HTM. He’s close .

Piper (RIP ), Goldust and THE HONKY TONK MAN were the choices here. HTM wins over Piper by 1%!

I’VE GOT MY LONG SIDEBURNS AND MY HAIR SLICKED BACK I’M COMING TO YOUR TOWN IN MY PINK CADILLAC~!

As a “wrestler” I never cared for HTM. As an “entertainer”? AWESOME.

HTM dancing .

Santino dancing. Not marking out here.

CHEAP SHOT TO HONKY~!

Well this was a nothing match. Beth gets Santino DQ’d in about a minute. Not a dud cos HTM was awesome.

After the match ends, GOLDUST and PIPER come out to make sure Santino doesn’t leave the arena without an asskicking.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Yey divas time again! Maryse is a sexy french maid. She’s also dressed up as one here . Layla is Princess Lea… but not the gold bikini outfit . Victoria is PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME . MICKIE JAMES IS LARA CROFT AND IS AUTOMATICALLY THE WINNER.

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Last Man Standing Match

Other options were KNOCKOUT MATCH and I Quit. I’d have been ok with any tbh.

Watching this hours before SummerSlam 2015 that will feature THE UNDERTAKER VS BROCK LESNAR. This is likely gonna be the better match of the two . Not that I don’t think Taker and Lesnar can have a great match tonight, but Undertaker in 08 was head and shoulders above pretty much everyone else in the company at the time and his chemistry with Show was fantastic. In 2015 he’s definitely lost a step or two, and Lesnar’s new style doesn’t give them the same chemistry they had in 2002/2003.

Big Show is walking to the ring for a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH WITH THE UNDERTAKER… and he’s fucking SMILING. Now THAT is one cocky heel bastard!!!

When a match starts with Undertaker blasting people IN THE FACE with punches, I know I’m in for a good time .

BIG BEEFIE BASTARDS BEATING THE BEJEBUS OUT OF EACH OTHER .

One of my fav spots ever. Undertaker puts the chair on Show’s throat and then rams him into the ring post . He did it quite a bit during his BIG EVIL heel days and it totally fucking rocked. He also took out BIG VIS in 04 during the JBL feud.

APRON LEG DROP~! Undertaker TARGETING THE THROAT~!

Love how Big Show started the match being able to get his hands up to protect himself against most of the punches from ‘Taker, but as this match goes on he struggles to keep his hands up, which is one of the more difficult things to do in boxing. Would have loved to have seen Big Show in a pro boxing match at some point lol.

The side of Big Show’s face were all the punches have been landing is RED. Ain’t nothing fake about this match .

BIG SHOW PUNCHES TAKER IN THE FACE WITH A TV MONITOR~!

SUPERKICK BY THE BIG SHOW~!

UNDERTAKER PUNCHES BIG SHOW WITH A STEEL CHAIR~!

CHOKESLAM THROUGH A TABLE~! THE UNDERTAKER IS DEAD~! FOR REALSIES~! NAH HE GETS UP BEFORE THE COUNT OF 10~!

Undertaker on his knees telling Big Show to bring it, while he continues to try and throw punches that have no effect on the GIANT .

Another huge Chokeslam to The Undertaker, and Big Show believes it’s over. He NEEDS it to be over. But Undertaker isn’t going to give up.

KNOCKOUT PUNCH~!

OMG THE UNDERTAKER SITS UP AT 7~! Big Show simply cannot believe it, and goes for a steel chair to finish the job once and for all.

CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD~!

Big Show picks Undertaker up for another Knockout Punch, but Undertaker counters and applies the HELLS GATE out of nowhere!!! Big Show taps out immediately but it means nothing here!!! BIG SHOW IS OUT!! THE REFEREE BEGINS THE COUNT!!!

The Big Show cannot answer the 10 count, and THE UNDERTAKER is the LAST MAN STANDING!!!

Good god what a match!!! Just fucking awesome. 2 guys beating the absolute shit out of each other until one man cannot go any more . THIS IS PRO WRESTLING.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Jericho is demanding that Mike Adamle (GOAT GM) put an end to the special guest referee vote for tonight. Jericho gets a text (OMG IT’S KEVIN NASH) and walks off instead.

 

Tazz gives us the results of the DIVA COSTUME CONTEST. Mickie James wins because DUH.

 

Triple H Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE Championship Match

the other options for HHH’s opponent tonight were VLADIMIR KOZLOV, or a triple threat with VLADIMIR KOZLOV STILL INVOLVED . Why even bother with a fucking vote for this? Putin wouldn’t even vote for Kozlov…

Well, I’m happy this match was chosen. HHH and Jeff typically have excellent chemistry. A few blips here and there, but overall they’ve been having great matches together since 2001 (remember their IC title matches? GO WATCH NOW).

at Hardy. He hits a sweet armdrag on HHH and just screams “YEEEEAAAAAHHHH” afterwards. Crowd love it . I get a kick out of it too lol.

“Match starts with Jeff doing the whole “nobody thinks I can wrestle so I’ll do basic wrestling moves to prove them wrong and put my opponent off his game” schtick, but quickly goes back to his high risk offence and unfortunately he crashes and burns allowing HHH to take control. Not really sure what I think to the opening parts of the match tbh. Yeah, Jeff did the “unexpected” to try and take HHH off his game and shit, but then that leads to Jeff just doing his usual shit and it backfires on him. So uhhh… why even bother with the “wrestling” stuff before hand? Might as well have had Jeff go all out to begin with, rocking HHH with some quick, high impact moves before HHH finally avoids something because Jeff went to the well far too often. Transitions into HHH’s control segment the same way, but doesn’t waste the time at the start of the match lol.”

I wrote that about their No Mercy match, and well, copy and pasting it made sense because this match starts off THE EXACT SAME lol. In fact, structure-wise, this is pretty much the same match as their No Mercy match. After Hardy crashes and burns, HHH takes control. Hardy makes some little comebacks while HHH cuts him off, then slowly as the match progresses, Hardy’s high risk style becomes more and more of a GAME changer.

The main difference here is the finishing stretch for the match, with Hardy hitting a Swanton and instead of being caught in a pin, goes for a second one only to be kneed in the back. They end up on the outside, then get back in where Hardy goes for another Swanton but HHH turns it into a Pedigree for the win!

Honestly think I might like this more than their NM match. In fact, I definitely do!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Chris Jericho Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Austin, Orton and HBK were options for the special guest referee. Austin wins because DUH.

Might i just say, that the pairing of Jericho and Batista, on paper, is DULL AS FUCK. URGH. Just fucking URGH.

Jericho does leg work.

Jericho applies a sleeper instead of a leg submission because he’s retarded apparently.

Austin does referee stuff.

Batista sells the leg.

Callum doesn’t care.

Austin gets taken out.

HBK runs down to take over.

HBK does the slowest count in history.

JBL shows up and takes out HBK because I don’t know why.

Callum still doesn’t care.

Orton takes out Austin.

Jericho hits Batista with the WHC.

Austin stuns Orton.

Batista hits the Batista Bomb.

Batista wins the WHC.

Callum is happy the match is over.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 14

 

Armageddon 2008

 

Hell is upon us. Or rather me. Cos this is probably gonna suck. Don’t remember a single match on the card.

 

Matt Hardy Vs Vladimir Kozlov

Seriously? Of all the fucking people who could face Hardy on PPV… they picked KOZLOV? I guess at least it isn’t a title match… but seriously? Henry. Finlay. Swagger. Hell even Dreamer. But nah, let’s have Matt and Kozlov instead. You know, that big guy that hasn’t had a single good match yet. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY FAIL??!

Poor Matt. He actually looks terrible early on when he’s throwing punches and kicks at Vlad who is avoiding them all. I don’t know if Matt’s doing them like that because he knows they aren’t going to hit, or if he’s just off his game due to being in the ring with future comedy jobber man.

BACK SUPLEX. INDICITIVE OF KOZLOV’S TRAINING IN SOMETHING CALLED SAMBO. Matt Striker, everyone!

“Kozlov seems cyborg like, void of any emotion” I think the word you are looking for is CHARISMA. He’s void of any CHARISMA.

ARM LOCK.

ARM LOCK.

ARM LOCK.

OMG ANOTHER ARM LOCK~!

Hardy’s arm has been cut open . Guess those ARM LOCKS were more effective than I realised!

Hardy sends Kozlov into the ringpost twice and… it doesn’t really do shit. Kozlov sends Matt into the ringpost once and that’s it for Matt.

So Kozlov is still undefeated at the expense of the ECW champion. Instead of having Matt have an ECW title defence and getting a win on PPV. Fuck the WWE.

Match was dull, but not something I’d call “bad”. Just, no need to ever see it. Ever.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge is backstage with Vickie. Last time I saw these two was during the SS build up and… well Vickie was the one who booked the HIAC and Edge wanted to take her to hell with him. And now they are together again and I genuinely don’t remember why they got back together.

 

Oh yeah and Chavo is nothing more than the coffee boy for Vickie. He’s the 2008 version of Patterson and Brisco, only with less talent and more gay .

 

Hornswoggle spanks Eve. Can’t blame him. Finlay wants him to stay backstage tonight so he doesn’t get hurt. Oh god this isn’t the show with Finlay Vs Khali is it?

 

CM Punk Vs Rey Mysterio

HYPED . The finals of the IC title tournament with the winner facing KING REGAL for the title .

Haven’t seen this match in a looong time. I usually forget about it and only tend to remember their 2010 matches.

MIKE KNOX mention. I should look up the Knox/Mysterio matches again cos they are a ton of fun. FLYING BEAR~!

ARM DRAGS~!

Damn, Rey gets launched over the ropes and just SPLATS on his knees. No wonder he’s had knee surgery and 619 times. Get it? 619? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.

PUNK LOOKING TO WEY REY~! Well done Cole, I can see why Vince wanted you to replace JR…

Regal with his KOTR throne at ringside to sit on is awesome. None of that sitting with the commentators shite! And then he randomly has Layla with him during this time. She did… absolutely nothing ever, from what I remember .

ARM BAR BY PUNK~!

REY WITH AN ARM BAR AND PUNK MAY TOP IT!!! Cole continues to show greatness…

at Punk’s bump off a dropkick to the back. He quite literally gets hit and runs from one side of the ring to the other and jumps out the ring .

Oh man, totally got a smile on my face right now. Some awesome sequences here between both guys as they try everything to win.

THE SWASHBUCKLING STYLE OF REY MYSTERIO~! WHY DOES VINCE KEEP YOU EMPLOYED, COLE?!?!

GO TO SLEEP~! CM Punk picks up the win over Pirate Rey and destroys his nose in the process! Good job Rey wears a mask, huh?

Really good match, super fun and nothing I can really complain about aside from the awful Cole Commentary lol.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Jeff Hardy with a weird backstage promo in the dark.

 

JBL comes out for an in ring segment . This is during the whole “HBK is broke” angle. Don’t care what anyone says, I enjoyed it a ton!!!

 

 

NOBODY TOUCHES JBL!!!

 

HBK comes out to try and explain why he’s broke. Yeah, nobody bought it lol, but hey, the angle was still good!

 

Eve backstage again . Orton is there and Cody shows up with… with… Manu? Remember him?

 

Mark Henry Vs Finlay – Belfast Brawl

I was thinking this was Finlay Vs Khali, but instead it’s HENRY and not Khali .

THE BEEFY VS THE BRAWLER .

So Finlay takes the fight right to Henry and… what? Striker says what?

WE’RE SEEING A DIFFERENT FINLAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT!!!

Different? HOW IS FINLAY GOING HEAD ON TO BEAT SOMEONE UP DIFFERENT? ARE YOU RETARDED? YES. YES YOU ARE. FUCK YOU.

2 minutes into this match and it’s already amazing. I wish Henry when he came WHC got a Punk-length title reign. Henry with the HALL OF PAIN as champ for over a year?

You know how WWE’s trash cans and lids are like, made of tin foil basically and never look like they hurt? Well… Henry fucking BLASTS Finlay in the face with one of the lids and holy shit it looks more brutal than 99% of chair shots EVER.

YOU WANTED A FIGHT? YOU GOT A FIGHT! Henry trash talking .

WEAPON SHOTS~! Love how Finlay starts smacking Henry down with a Kendo stick, then once Henry is on his knees, Finlay throws the weapon away and just knees the World’s Strongest Man in the fucking FACE.

Henry putting a trash can in Finlay’s face while he’s stuck in the corner, then just CRUSHING IT with his GIRTH .

Hornswoggle ignores his dad and shows up anyway, but helps out by throwing in a second Shillelagh (Henry broke the first one lol) which puts Henry away!

haven’t had this much fun with a wrestling match in some time . Excellent street fight between two awesome wrestlers.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Divas randomly standing around a christmas tree. SANTA HASS shows up with presents for them. Beth and that fake Italian dude show up to steal the presents only to be chased off by the Boogyman and Goldust. Then everyone starts signing as random people show up.

 

Then it cuts to Mr Kennedy looking confused as fuck before he tells people not to do drugs and watch his straight to DVD/the bin film.

 

Batista Vs Randy Orton

A MATCH FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING~!

Personally I think we should have given it another couple of decades… so it would never happen. Ever.

THE ANIMAL SUCKING IN THE ATMOSPHERE. And soon to be just sucking!

STAY AWAY FROM THE SUDDENNESS OF ORTON~! Cole just keeps coming out with these crackers lol.

Manu and Cody get caught attacking Batista on the outside and the referee sends them to the back. Manu apparently didn’t realise he could come back, and was never seen again .

Oh joy, the third match of the night to feature some ARM WORK…

HEADLOCKS~!

SOME OTHER MOVES~!

I DON’T CARE~!

BATISTA BOMB~!

MATCH IS OVER~!

WAS BORING AS FUCK~!

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria, Mickie James, Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly Vs Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Victoria – Santa’s Little Helper Match

FAP.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Oh god I still have to sit through their Survivor Series match after this too at some point. Hate that match despite most people praising it for whatever reason. Nobody mentions this match so it’s no doubt even worse. Yey…

They have plenty of HATE~! here which is nice I guess… but they aren’t really doing anything worth mentioning.

NO WAIT, YES THEY ARE!!! REST SPOT~!

FINISHER COUNTERS~!

FINISHER KICKOUTS~!

FINISHER COUNTERS~!

SUBMISSION~!

Fuck me this was utterly pointless. Match could have been sucked into a void and it wouldn’t have been any less pointless.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy Vs Triple H – WWE Championship Match

BEEEHAAAAAAARRRR~! That’s the noise HHH makes when he clotheslines Edge in the turnbuckle .

Wrestling makes no sense sometimes. Well, ok, it never makes sense really, but in the world of wrestling, sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. HHH is about to Pedigree Edge, so what does Jeff do? HIGH RISK MOVE TO STOP IT~! I have to question WHY? Why bother risking your own body to stop HHH hitting his finisher? Let him take out Edge with his finisher, and then simply stop HHH from making a cover. DUH. Doesn’t take a genius to figure this shit out. I mean, I came up with it, didn’t I? That says it all, really.

Seems that HHH has been watching some old Taker/Hardy matches cos he totally took a Twist of Fate like a neckbreaker.

More shit that makes no sense… Ok, so all 3 guys are brawling on the outside by the announce tables. Edge clears one table to get it ready for TABLE SPOT~! Ok, that’s great. HHH gains control of this brawl and… instead of just using the table that’s already set up… decides to clear ANOTHER table instead. Why? So they could do a spot with Edge running from one table to another to Spear Jeff through it. STOP BLATANTLY DOING STUPID SHIT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN A RANDOM SPOT.

Congrats to HHH for hitting the Spinebuster and not tearing his quads!

KOZLOV .

Matt comes out to try and help and… gets taken out, allowing Kozlov to throw Jeff off the ropes and potentially cost him the title . YOU HAD ONE JOB, MATT.

FFS, Hardy goes retarded AGAIN by preventing Edge from doing a Conchairto to HHH. LET HIM DO IT. What happens instead? Hardy stops the Conchairto and… HHH ends up knocking him off the ropes while he’s attempting a Swanton. GOOD JOB JEFF.

PEDIGREE TO EDGE~!

SWANTON TO HHH~!

JEFF HARDY IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION~!

THE FANS HAVE LOST THEIR SHIT~!

SHAME HE LOSES IT A MONTH LATER .

Nothing special here. Standard triple threat match. Not awful, not great, just there.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8.5

SummerSlam 2008

 

THE BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER OF THE SUMMER.

 

Jeff Hardy Vs MVP

MVP HAS MADE THIS PERSONAL WITH JEFF. Except I have no idea why cos the commentators never explained it and there was no video package. Yey…

Awesome belly to belly overhead suplex from MVP, sending Hardy into the turnbuckle and folding him up like that musical thingy. Accordion? Yeah, that sounds about right.

MVP punches Hardy to counter a springboard move and Tazz calls it THE STRONG STYLE OF MVP .

MVP does some stuff. Hardy does some stuff. Shelton Benjamin shows up because I don’t know and causes Jeff to miss the Swanton and MVP kicks Jeff and wins and I simply don’t give a fuck.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria, Santino and Beth are backstage for an interview segment. Maria’s boobs are defying science by remaining in her top. Some words were spoken by people.

 

Mickie James & Kofi Kingston Vs Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella – Intergender Winner Takes all WWE Women’s & WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Lillian looking fine. Mickie looking fine. Beth looking fine. That’s all I’m gonna say because FUCK watching a Kofi and Santino match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

HBK and his wife Rebecca come to the ring to discuss HBK’s future due to his eye getting destroyed by Jericho. Jericho comes out and… POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!!

 

 

Matt Hardy Vs Mark Henry – ECW Championship Match

FINALLY, something for me to get excited about!!! HENRY AS ECW CHAMP . HARDY AS HIS OPPONENT .

TWIST OF FATE 30 SECONDS INTO THE MATCH!!! And Tony Atlas pulls Hardy out and… DQ .

Fuck you WWE. I got all excited for this match and it lasts 30 seconds? YOU CUNTS.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

CM Punk Vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Ok, actually watched this… well probably about a year ago now BUT IT FEELS LESS THAN THAT TO ME and I remember a ton about it so I’m finally able to get moderately excited about SOMETHING on this fucking show.

JBL hates Punk cos he doesn’t drink. And Punk hates JBL cos… he’s a bully and rapes people in the shower?

So the match starts with JBL trying to be all BEEFY and maul Punk, but Punk is all FUCK YOU AMMA BE FAST AND DIVE ON YOU AND SHIT.

SUPER FALL AWAY SLAM~!

JBL WORKING THE BACK~!

Love those big clubbing blows to the back that JBK does to Punk while Punk is basically sat down. Looks brutal as FUCK.

CM Punk THE MARTIAL ARTS CHAMPION .

JBL applies a CLAW to the ribs of Punk while applying an abdominal stretch . Nice to see SOMEONE making an effort with what is typically a boring as fuck hold lol.

CLOTHESLINE NOT QUITE FROM HELL~!

MULTIPLE ELBOW DROPS~! Gotta be careful with those, Ziggler killed Lawler for a few seconds with that very same sequence!!!

Punk kicks JBL in the face and… JBL LANDS ON PUNK’S HEAD . I don’t even know how such a thing is possible, but it happened.

And that seems to have busted Punk open lol. Ouch!

Fuck me, they show the botched spot in slow motion so we can see just how Punk got busted open. Looks so much worse in slow mo lol.

GTS OUT OF NOWHERE~! PUNK RETAINS! PUNK RETAINS!

Well this match kinda (not really) makes up for the show so far being utter shite. Great match. JBL’s back work is great, and Punk is awesome with his hope spots.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Triple H Vs The Great Khali – WWE Championship Match

So how does WWE follow up a great WHC match? With The Great Khali getting a WWE Title shot.

Smart move HHH, attempt a Pedigree on a fucking GIANT 20 seconds into the match. HE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO COUNTER THAT.

Oh he did. Shock.

DOUBLE ARM CHOKESLAM.

VICE GRIP.

And of course despite those basically being Khali’s finishers, HHH escapes defeat this early into the match and chops Khali’s legs and… walks into a CHOP TO THE HEAD. Which is also one of Khali’s finishers, so obviously this match isn’t over yet cos HHH ain’t losing to no Khali finishers…

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants. Are they for Khali or HHH?

VULCAN DEATH GRIP THING. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST USE THE HEAD VICE GRIP INSTEAD LOL?!?! Wrestling Logic: THERE IS NONE!

HHH goes for another Pedigree and they LITERALLY WALK TO THE ROPES so Khali can back body drop him . I hate that spot to begin with, but when they walk over to do it? FUCK OFF.

Pedigree.

HHH wins.

This wasn’t as bad as I was expecting… just because it didn’t last as long as I thought it would . Still a load of crap.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Batista

“I’ve never told this to anyone, but for 6 years I’ve been watching you” – John Cena.

So… Cena has been perving on Batista for SIX YEARS.

HOP TOSS AND BODY SLAM FROM CENA OMG THE POWER THE SHEER POWER OF THAT OMG CENA IS THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WWE!!!!! Apparently…

Batista meanwhile nearly rips Cena’s head off with a clothesline, then hits a stalling suplex and nobody gives a shit about HIS power lol.

Batista shouldn’t use the Figure Four. Ever. It’s not that he Miz’s it up, but it just looks stupid as fuck when guys his size use it lol.

immediately after the FF spot, Cena F-U’s Batista over the ropes and the commentators react like it’s nothing. Cole is even LAUGHING while calling the spot . And then Batista just gets back in the ring like nothing happened .

Oh god I HATE Cena’s 5 moves of doom. At least when other people have their “5 moves of doom”, they don’t rely on their opponent running at them and doing certain moves the EXACT SAME WAY EVERY MATCH. Cena needs people to run at him, to go for a clothesline and miss etc, and fuck me it just looks SO BAD.

STFU~!

At one point Cena’s arms AREN’T EVEN TOUCHING BATISTA .

So far this match has been odd as fuck. It was hyped as this big BATTLE between two of the biggest stars of the decade finally meeting for the first time ever in a one on one match. But nothing really HAPPENS in the match. The match starts, then literally only a couple of minutes in, we have Batista using the Figure Four followed up with an F-U over the ropes, then the moment Batista gets back in the ring he’s walking right into Cena’s 5 moves of doom and then it’s a Spinebuster and then the STFU and I’m all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? How did they fail so bad at just putting on a big BOMB THROWING fest?

Another F-U, this time in the ring and of course Batista kicks out. Then they fight on the ropes and this leads to the finish of Batista catching Cena with a Powerbomb as he tries to do that leg drop move he does. No wait, Cena kicked out of that? I could have sworn that was the finish lol . It kinda broke Cena’s neck though. Batista follows it up with a Batista Bomb and NOW it’s done.

Man, I really remember enjoying this a ton when it happened. Now? Urgh. Just urgh. No structure to the match. They just seem to do moves and none of it really makes sense or looks good. Like I said, they failed at throwing bombs at each other. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – Hell in a Cell

. Undertaker. Hell in a Cell.

An event with only one good match so far will at least end with a match I am most likely still going to love a lot .

Edge uses his speed to avoid Undertaker’s punches early on, and is even able to escape from the corner numerous times. Seems like a good strategy until… BOOT TO THE FACE .

Knock Knock.

Whose there?

EDGE’S FACE BEING RAMMED INTO THE CELL OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SPEAR INTO THE STEEL STEPS~!

That hurt the Dead Man, and gives Edge a chance to gain control of the match. So how does he do it? By turning the Hell in a Cell, Undertaker’s match, into HIS match by bringing in Tables, Ladders and Chairs (oh my)! Very smart and probably my favourite aspect of this match.

I UNDERSTAND.

Undertaker has been smacked with chairs, smashed on steel steps, hit with ladders and put through a table. How does he gain the upperhand again? PUNCH TO THE FACE~!

SPEAR THROUGH THE CELL~!

SPEAR THROUGH THE… ECW TABLE?

EDGE WAS RUNNING ON WOOD .

FUCK ME WHAT A CHOKESLAM.

Finisher. Kick out. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout.

Chokeslam through two tables that were randomly set up earlier in the match for no real reason yey!!

SPEAR BY THE UNDERTAKER~!

CAMERA TO THE FACE OF EDGE~!

CONCHAIRTO~!

Undertaker is dishing out everything Edge did to HIM inside the Hell in a Cell almost a year ago when he cost the Dead Man the title against Batista!!!

Tombstone, and this one is over.

Afterwards, Undertaker chokeslams Edge through the ring and into FIRE, but the lame DVD release/Network version editing kinda ruins the whole moment.

So… this match huh? Well it was good, but I just wasn’t feeling it on this watch. Maybe it’s because I’m not exactly loving wrestling right now, or maybe I’ve just become tired of this match lol. Either way it was disappointing .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 5