Month: December 2014

Unforgiven 2005

 

Edge. Hardy. Cage. Blood. Violence. LITA. FAP.

 

Ric Flair Vs Carlito – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Old Lion Vs Young Lion. The Young Lion is trying to use his youth and quickness to his advantage, while the Old Lion tries to rely on what kept him leader of the pack for so many years. And when you have chops that’ll rip nipples off and thumbs that adore poking out eyes, then even an Old Lion stands a chance!

Flair chops a bunch of times, Carlito does… whatever the fuck he does to control a match and make me wanna sleep and then… omg… and then it happens.

FLAIR GOES TO THE ROPES AND DOESN’T GET THROWN OFF!!! YEY!!!

He tries again and ends up getting dropkicked .

Carlito grabs an apple, takes a bite and… FLAIR PUNCHES HIM IN THE MOUTH! CARLITO IS CHOKING ON APPLE! FIGURE FOUR! TAP OUT!

THE NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!!!

Flair was super fun, Carlito was super shit.

Flair drags some whores out of the crowd to celebrate with.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

FAP FAP LITA is backstage and wants to make Edge happy.

 

Torrie Wilson & Victoria Vs Trish Stratus & Ashley

remember WWE’s version of the Beautiful People? Torrie (and that stupid little dog), Victoria and Candice Michelle. At least they were actually hot, unlike most of TNA’s Beautiful People (one specifically… urgh)

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Big Show Vs Snitsky

potential for a monster battle here.

ZZ TOP IN THE AUDIENCE~!

Lol, they try to show us what happened a few weeks ago but Show jumps the gun and charges at Snitsky so they have to cut off the video and go back to live action .

when Snitsky locks in a rest hold they actually cut to the video from 3 weeks ago so we can finally see the shots to Show with the ring bell. FUCK REST HOLDS LETS SHOW VIOLENCE!!!

BACK SUPLEX TO THE BIG SHOW~!

CHOKESLAM~! And it’s over with.

Fairly short, but a fun battle between these two big dudes.

After the match Show levels Snitsky with the ring bell for some revenge. He’s about to leave but remembers Snitsky hit him TWICE, so he needs to get another shot in too lol.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Shelton Benjamin Vs Kerwin White

oh man, Kerwin White.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Matt Hardy Vs Edge – Steel Cage Match

I’ve been waiting for this one .

Matt throws some fucking AMAZING punches early on. They make one hell of a sound too.

Hardy is determined to destroy Edge inside the cage, while Edge is all about simply trying to win and ESCAPE.

Sweet counter out of the Twist of Fate, as Edge shoves Hardy right into the steel cage, and fuck me Matt takes one hell of a bump into it lol. And now Edge can continue what he started at SummerSlam, and focus in on the head of Matt.

Why did Edge never wrestle like this on a regular basis? He’s actually really fucking good at trying to smash Hardy’s head in worse than that time in Game of Thrones with you know who and whatshisname (NO SPOILERS HERE, YOU ARE WELCOME).

Hardy is super awesome at selling his head injury too. He looks out of it, he’s out on his feet, throwing punches at nobody etc. Great stuff.

OH SHIT at that powerbomb into the side of the cage. Hardy’s head catches on the top rope on the way down too. Shiiiit. That HAD to fuck him up a bit.

The longer the match goes on, the more confident Edge gets that hell, he might ACTUALLY be able to take Matt out for good. So escape is no longer an option. Sheer DESTRUCTION of Matt Hardy is all that’s on his mind.

POWERBOMB OFF THE TOP ROPE~! at the fans reaction. Two teenagers or something (MALE, Cody…) both cringe like it was the most horrific thing ever .

MATT HARDY WILL NOT DIE!!! He kicks out, then proceeds to BITE the hands of Edge!!!

Almost a call back spot to SummerSlam with Matt dropping Edge head first down onto the turnbuckle, only here it’s the turnbuckle cover and not the ring post, but it’s enough to knock Edge a little loopy!

Edge perhaps realises that Hardy WILL NOT DIE for real, and decides he needs to escape this time.

HARDY COMEBACK~! Edge is tied up in the ropes and Matt is unloading lefts and rights all over his face!!!

EDGE IS BLEEDING~! Damn, I actually just realised that all the offence to Matt’s head in the match DIDN’T bust him open. So when Matt makes EDGE bleed it really puts over the whole REVENGE~! part for me.

Matt begins to target the head of Edge now, but he wants to come off the ropes with the MITB briefcase (that Lita sent into the ring earlier), and that costs him when Edge pushes the referee into the ropes.

SPEAR INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE~!

Edge tries to escape and… SIDE EFFECT OFF THE TOP ROPE~!

Lita (looking VERY Fap Fap btw) tries to send a chair into the ring too, but the referee takes it away… so he dives into the cage herself to break up a potential 3 count!

TWIST OF FATE TO LITA~!

HAHAHAHAHA SPEAR TO MATT RIGHT AFTERWARDS. DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH LITA YOU PRICK!!!

Edge again tries to escape, but ends up getting his face smashed into the cage a bunch of times. Matt climbs the cage and…

LEG DROP~!

That looked spectacular.

MATT HARDY WINS~!

This is tremendous. Fuck me, a year with 2 epic, EPIC cage matches on PPV. Insane. Right up there with Flair/HHH for sure. Christ knows which I think is better. This? No. HHH/Flair? No. Maybe. I DON’T KNOW. They both rule.

Rating: ****3/4
CAL SCALE – 8

 

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch Vs The Hurricane & Rosey – World Tag Team Championship Match

Murdoch has an awesome look for wrestling. Fuck the “office” in WWE who just want 6’5 270lb guys with bodies like Arnold Swashinager.. Swarshinegger… that dude that played The Terminator.

Anyway, yeah, Murdoch has a great look. He’s a little podgy but can move around and looks mean and nasty and legit seems like a dude you wouldn’t wanna have a bar fight with.

love him trying to come on to Lillian Garcia mid-match. But it was all a plan to make Hurricane come off the apron and get him, leading to a fucking sick DDT from the corner of the ring onto the floor . And of course this now leads the S.H.I.T. all alone!

Rosey tries to fight off 2 opponents by himself, and does ok for a little while. Hurricane is being carried out, and sees his partner in trouble on the titantron, and comes back down to help! He tags in and just starts throwing a right hand at everyone because his left arm is dead.

SWEET N SOUR~!

NEW TAG CHAMPIONS!!!

Fun match!

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Maria wants to know why people call Chris Masters the MASTURBATE . Then she starts signing the TMNT theme song. Maria was awesome.

 

Chris Masters Vs Shawn Michaels

Masters attacks HBK before the bell and applies the Master Lock!!! The bell rings and Masters goes for it again, but Shawn is ready for it now and manages to escape before it’s locked in, and begins to get a little revenge on the young punk for that quick start!

Man, Shawn is PISSED lol. He’s out to destroy Masters for daring to attack him before the bell it seems. Sends him into the steel steps a few times, then goes for a chair! But the referee takes it away, allowing Masters to take advantage.

POWERBOMB INTO THE RING POST. TWICE. HBK’S BACK IS FUCKED!!!

Back work by Masters . Some great clubbing blows, elbows and knees. Simple, but looks great. Masters’ first run in WWE outside of this match really wasn’t very good, but you could see the potential he had to be as great as he ended up being when he returned, and this is probably THE match to see that potential.

Anyone else love when guys do a backbreaker then hold their opponent on their knee and push them down onto it? One of my favourite submissions for back work tbh.

TORTURE RACK~!

Fuck me what a sick clothesline to cut off HBK .

BATTLE TO LOCK IN THE MASTERLOCK~! HBK grabs the referee, then low blows Masters!!! The veteran certainly knows what he’s doing!

Shawn starts his comeback and ignores all the fucking back work which pisses me off to no end lol.

SWEET CHIN MASTER LOCK! Masters countered the superkick right into a Master Lock!!!

HBK tries to do the old “push off the ropes and roll the guy up” spot but Masters is too strong and doesn’t fall back. Shawn is fading, but the fans bring him back into the match, and this time instead of trying to push off the ropes, he climbs OVER them, putting himself in the ropes so Masters has to release the hold!!! Now that was fucking SMART and awesome.

Great little sequence at the end right into a superkick, and Shawn Michaels picks up the win!

Other than Shawn ignoring the back work during his main comeback, this was great. Masters looked awesome. And the match should have been better, but HBK actually fucked up. Bah. SELL THE BACK YOU TWAT.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Flair takes a FLAIR BUMP from shagging 4 women during the PPV.

 

John Cena Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match

at Lawler trying to sound all smart and shit, by asking if either JR or Coach could remember who Cena’s debut match in WWE was against. Without missing a beat JR quickly answers “Angle” and Lawler is just SILENT . As if JIM FUCKING ROSS wouldn’t know that .

So Angle out-wrestles Cena at the start. Cena tries to turn it into a brawl. Then Angle starts throwing out suplexes. You know the deal if you’ve seen any match they’ve had lol.

I like how Cena comes into this match with a “bad” ankle, and it’s all taped up and shit, and Angle clearly looks at it before the bells rings… then doesn’t do a damn thing with the ankle until like 15 minutes into the match when he randomly goes for an Ankle Lock… but Cena kicks him off so he decides against going back to it until his Angle Slam fails him AS USUAL .

at Cena hopping on one leg for the 5 knuckle shuffle. On one hand I’m happy he’s selling the ankle… but on the other hand I find it unbelievably fucking stupid he tried to do that move on one leg .

F-U~! Oh but look the referee is down.

PUNCH TO THE FACE WITH THE GOLD MEDAL .

ANKLE LOCK~!

BISCHOFF SHOWS UP AND… shoves the WWE title in Cena’s face and tells him to say goodbye lol.

Bischoff tries to pull a screwjob on Cena, but Cena shoves Angle off and Bischoff takes the worst bump through the ropes ever.

WWE TITLE TO THE FACE~! the referee saw it and Cena is DQ’d .

Giant load of MEH.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

No Way Out 2005

 

Don’t think I’ve seen anything from this event since, uhhh… 2005. 9 years ago. The DVD was still in its wrapper too .

Jericho’s band Fozzy does the PPV theme for this event with ENEMY, the one and only song I like from the group .

 

Rey Mysterio & Eddie Guerrero Vs The Basham Brothers – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Wonder what Eddie & Rey can do with the Bashams. Hopefully something good.

My god could the Bashams BE any more boring on offence> [/Chandler]

I swear at one point one of the Basham’s elbows Eddie and Eddie charges into the ring and seems legit angry that this match is sucking that the poor referee seems to be “work” trying to hold him back but Eddie is “shoot” trying to get involved .

Eddie tries to cheat by extending the tag rope but gets caught. That’s the highlight of this match so far and we’re like 10 minutes in.

Rey does some stupid shit to move out of the Basham’s way to get a tag to Eddie… except he HAS a chance to tag out and instead runs the ropes and does a couple more flippy things and THEN tags in. Urgh.

Hot tag and Eddie is immediately stopped. Yey. Just what this match needed.

Eddie goes for a tag belt to try and cheat, but Rey catches him and puts a stop to it. Meanwhile the Basham’s do a switch and Eddie goes for a Frog Splash… but knows they switched, and rolls through, but pretends he crashed and burned and suckered the Basham into a quick roll up!!!

Only a 2 count though, and then some SHENANIGANS with the tag belt and Eddie wins the tag belts for him and Rey! Mysterio is a hypocrite. Stopped Eddie from cheating with the tag belt… then 30 seconds later throws the other tag belt to Eddie to cheat to win.

Last 2 minutes with Eddie being Eddie were the only good things about this awful, awful match.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Rookie Diva of the Year Contest thingy happens. Basically a bunch of FAP FAP divas being all FAP FAP.

at Joy’s credentials. All the others have things like “model” or “playboy model” or “personal trainer”… and she has:

Big Show’s “special friend” .

 

Booker T Vs Heidenreich

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Paul London Vs Funaki Vs Shannon Moore Vs Akio Vs Spike Dudley Vs Chavo Guerrero – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Elimination Match

FUNAKI is the champion? SMAKDUN NOMBAH WAN ANNUNCAR is also SMAKDUN NOMBAH WAN CROOZAHWAIT!

So 2 guys start in the ring (Funaki and London), while the other 4 men stand in seperate corners… but there is NO tagging. Instead they all picked numbers out at random and when someone gets eliminated, #3 comes in and they carry on from there.

FUNAKI IS ELIMINATED FIRST . Spike caused a distraction and London rolled him up. So Funaki superkicks Spike and London pins him too.

THE PRINCE OF PUNK looks like a giant moron.

450 splash and London wins again.

AKIO~! I miss Tajiri .

I prefer JIMMY WANG YANG.

TOP ROPE NECKBREAKER~!

Chavo wants the referee to count quicker so both men are counted out and he wins without wrestling. I’m all for that tbh.

Wait… Akio is eliminated because he didn’t make it up? But London did so the count should have stopped. This isn’t a last man standing match you dumb fuck. WHAT THE HELL?!?!

“Smart by Chavo to go after the neck. BETTER SMART by London to counter” well done Tazz.

Chavo uses the ropes and wins.

Wow. A 6 man CW match and it was DULL AS SHIT. I’d have preferred a fucking spotfest than this. Jebus.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

More FAP FAP FAP rookie diva stuff. FAP.

 

Pretty epic JBL promo.

 

The Undertaker Vs Luther Reigns

Poor Undertaker. THE FUCK did he do to deserve this? Luther nearly FALLS OVER climbing the ropes to pose ffs.

Mark Jindrak gets sent to the back because he won’t leave the ring.

at the replay from SD a few days earlier. Undertaker sets up Jindrak for a Tombstone, while Luther grabs a camera from the camera man. THEN HE WAITS FOR UNDERTAKER TO TOMBSTONE HIS TAG PARTNER, LETS HIM GET PINNED, AND ONLY THEN DECIDES TO HIT UNDERTAKER IN THE HEAD .

PUNCHES TO THE FACE~!

OLD SCHOOL~!

the old “referee is scared shitless of The Undertaker” spot. I <3 that spot. And here is serves a purpose as Reigns uses it to take off a turnbuckle pad!

Undertaker might not be 100% after getting nailed in the head with a camera on SD, so Reigns does his best to keep attacking the head. The turnbuckle pad was part of that plan… but it backfires and Reigns goes back first into it instead. LOL.

Reigns runs away from Undertaker, who chases him into the corner and grabs hold of him, while the referee tries to break it up and Undertaker grabs him by the scruff of his neck and picks him up .

LOW BLOW~!

REIGNS GRABS UNDERTAKER AND SMASHES THE BACK OF HIS HEAD INTO THAT EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~!

So Reigns is still targeting the injured head and then… applies a LEG SUBMISSION. I thought Undertaker was the one with a potential concussion? Luther obviously ain’t 100% in the head either for this match…

UNDERTAKER COMEBACK~! WORST VERSION OF SNAKE EYES EVER~! UNDERTAKER HAS THE CHANCE TO DO IT ON THE EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE BUT OPS FOR THE ROPES INSTEAD BECAUSE… STUFF~!

Tombstone attempt is countered with a reverse DDT! At least Reigns is mostly keeping with the story of the match… just that damn leg submission that make me wanna shoot him lol.

TOMBSTONE~! Undertaker wins. Duh.

I’ve heard terrible, terrible things about this match. From stupid people, obviously. Because this ain’t bad. Nothing that good either, but a solid match for the most part. Undertaker is awesome as always, and Luther, aside from being a retard and going for that leg submission, was fine on offence when he started targeting the head.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

And the final FAP FAP DIVA FAP stuff. Swimsuit competition. Yey! FAP!

 

John Cena Vs Kurt Angle – #1 Contender’s Match for WWE Title at WrestleMania 21

Tazz butchers the “what brought you to the dance” phrase… which is like the 10th time tonight he’s butchered an old phrase/saying lol. Always great when a commentator can’t speak properly.

Angle tries to pace the match his way early on, taking Cena to the mat, applying headlocks and taking things slow. Then Cena throws some fists and suddenly the match becomes a brawl and seems to have a ton of HATE~! which seems a little out of place because this isn’t a big feud ending match or anything, it’s the finals of a tournament .

Cena takes Angle over the announce table and starts punching him… but the camera pans round so we can SEE the punches… and Cena is just kinda slapping Angle’s arm . The camera angle quickly changes .

GERMAN SUPLEX INTO THE CORNER~!

KURT ANGLE LIKES TO BE IN A POSITION WHERE HE CAN DOMINATE~!

REST HOLDS~!

TRIPLE GERMANS~!

Angle has worn down Cena and then… ONE SHOULDER TACKLE LATER and Angle is just as fucked up as Cena apparently.

F-U~! Angle kicks out at 2 and Cena is apparently retarded enough to not realise this and thinks he won. THAT ONLY WORKS WITH THE FOOT ON THE ROPES THING YOU HALF WIT.

Angle decides maybe he should work over the leg and ankle of Cena before going for another Ankle Lock. Some of the stomps look pretty brutal.

ANGLE SLAM~! Because… that’ll help with the Ankle Lock obviously!!!

ANKLE LOCK~!

REF BUMP~!

NO SELL OF THE ANKLE AS CENA HITS AN F-U~!

Cena wins and then sells the ankle.

Meh. I’ve seen worse from both men, in matches against each other and against other people. That’s like, the biggest compliment I’m giving this.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

JBL Vs The Big Show – WWE Championship Barbed Wire Steel Cage Match

most of the build for this match is Batista Vs JBL… which doesn’t even happen until like 4 months later .

Never understood the need for a Barbed Wire Steel Cage match. Ok, so the barbed wire is to prevent you from climbing out unless you are stupid. So uhhh… why not either a) only allow someone to win by pin or submission or b) have a Hell in a Cell match? Just stick a roof on the damn thing and you’re sorted. Hell, they even chain up the door so you can’t escape that way. STUPID.

JBL looks awesome throwing those huge punches of his to someone taller than him.

JBL constantly blocking his face being thrown into the side of the cage and looking terrified each time Show tries to do it. BUILDING TO THOSE CAGE SPOTS~!

KNEE CLIP~!

NECKBREAKER~!

JBL instinctively runs up the side of the cage to try and escape… but is met with BARBED WIRE and ends up getting slicing his arm a little, and is then caught by the Giant.

KNOCKOUT PUNCH FROM BIG SHOW~! But he hasn’t done his boxing training yet so it’s not a finisher .

JBL is fighting for survival here, and manages to send Big Show head first into the side of the cage, giving us our first cage spot! BIG SHOW IS BLEEDING~!

JBL again tries to climb out, seemingly determined to find an opening somewhere in the barbed wire. But he notices Show is bleeding, and changes his gameplan from “escape” to “destroy the now weakened giant”.

Ally Oop into the side of the cage followed up with a powerbomb!!! JBL is now bleeding!!!

OJ and the Basham’s try to interfere, but Teddy Long comes out and sends them away, not before OJ slips some bolt cutters through the cage though!

BOLT CUTTERS TO THE HEAD~! CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~! BIG SHOW KICKED OUT!!!

Nothing seems to be able to stop the Big Show though! CHOKESLAM~!

JBL KICKS OUT~!

LOW BLOW~! BOOT TO THE FACE~!

JBL remembers the bolt cutters, and since his clothesline didn’t end the match, he decides to try and cut the barbed wire so he can escape!!!

BATTLE ON THE TOP ROPE~!

CHOKESLAM~!

JBL WENT RIGHT THROUGH THE RING!!! BIG SHOW JUST CHOKESLAMMED THE WWE CHAMPION STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

Big Show breaks the chain from the door! He opens it, and walks out, right to the main event of WM and the WWE Championship!!!

THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH… AND STILL WWE CHAMPION… JBL!!!

JBL escaped the cage by going UNDER the ring thanks to the broken ring!!!

Oh man, what a fucking finish . Extremely creative, and a great way for JBL to once again sneak away with the title.

Good match! Nothing out of this world, but a good bloody cage match with a super ending. I enjoyed it!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 3

 

Taboo Tuesday 2005

 

Cage match .

 

Chris Masters & Snitsky Vs Matt Hardy & Rey Mysterio

Raw Vs SD match. The internet voted who was involved in the match from Smackdown.

Edge is supposed to be Masters’ partner but he bitches out and HOLY FUCK AT LITA FAP FAP. HOW DO HER TITS STAY IN HER OUTFITS?

Masters attacks Matt and Rey from behind as they await the arrival of Snitsky and gains the upper hand early on.

they have BOTH a Raw and a SD referee IN THE RING AT THE SAME TIME. Really trying to put over that brand split . They argue cos they keep getting in each other’s way.

Little bit of Rey in Peril to start, then a hot tag to Hardy who comes in on fire and nearly kills Snitsky with a botched superplex:

And then Masters absolutely kills Matt with a clothesline and we get a Hardy in Peril segment.

WE WANT CHRISTIAN chants . He came second to last in the poll, only just beating out HARDCORE FUCKING HOLLY.

Awesome sequence with Snitsky countering a tornado DDT and throwing him right into Masters who catches him with a Master Lock!!!

They try to re-create the finish of Bret/Piper at WM… but Rey doesn’t roll over and ends up just landing on top of Masters . One ref tries to make a count anyway even though Masters’ shoulders aren’t down, and the other ref physically stops him from counting .

In the end though, the SD guys get the win.

Fun opening tag. Few shitty moments thanks to Snitsky botching basic shit but overall decent.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Mick thinks his and Maria’s luggage might have got mixed up. She’s wearing a Mankind mask. Then she strips and gives all her clothes to him .

“Hey Mick, have a nice day!”

“I think I just did!”

“Not much upstairs, but what a staircase!”

 

Rob Conway & Tyson Tomko Vs Eugene & Jimmy Snuka

So the fans get to vote in a legend to be Eugene’s partner. Snuka wins it.

I’m honestly surprised Eugene is still a think this far into 2005. When does he turn heel again?

Oh, btw… No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Carlito Vs Mankind

The fans had the chance to pick with version of Foley faces Carlito. I was always pleasantly surprised that they picked Mankind rather than Cactus Jack, just because I always preferred Mankind .

I have to say though… WHY THE FUCK IS THIS MATCH EVEN A THING? Who thought it would be a good idea to put Foley in the ring with Carlito? I get wanting to put over young stars… but Carlito Vs Foley? I just don’t get it lol.

Awesome to hear the old Mankind theme too. I like the whole “eeeeerrrrrrrghhhhh *CRASH* do doo do do do doo do do doo” theme as much as the next guy, but the original Mankind music is GOAT.

Poor Mick. He’s moving at like 2mph, compared to the 1029928738743mph he was doing in 04 against Orton (at Backlash, anyway ). He wanders through the match with his Mankind offence, until Carltio avoids a chair shot and poor Mick smashes his face into the chair into the steel steps .

Foley makes up for his lack of ring shape by taking an awesome bump off a dropkick, flying head first into the ring steps again.

Man, Carlito is dull as shit on offence. Seriously, they are wasting Foley on this match?

CACTUS CLOTHESLINE~!

CACTUS ELBOW~!

DOUBLE ARM DDT~!

MR SOCKO~! WITH AN AFRO~!

MANDIBLE CLAW~!

Mankind wins.

Well… Mankind winning makes this whole thing even MORE pointless lol. Carlito didn’t look good in the match, his offence sucked and he lost. Yey.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Vince McMahon pays Bischoff a visit, wanting to know how the Raw Vs SD tag went. He can’t believe Raw lost the match on a Raw PPV. He’s disappointed in Bischoff.

 

We gotta find out who will enter the triple threat WWE championship match later tonight, so we also know who WON’T be in it, so they can team up to wrestle for the tag belts. Kane, HBK and Big Show are the options. WOW I WONDER WHO WILL WIN THIS? BET IT’S A CLOSE RACE. Huh, actually it was pretty close between Kane and HBK, but HBK wins. at HBK looking to get a handshake or a hug from Kane .

 

Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch Vs The Big Show & Kane – World Tag Team Championship Match

TREVOR MURDOCH . HOW IS THIS GUY NOT ACTUALLY RELATED TO DICK MURDOCH? HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HIM!!! Then again Arn wasn’t related to Ole and they looked just like each other lol.

WEIGHING 507… POUNDS AND 7 FEET TALL, THE BIG SHOW!

at Murdoch when he realises he’s stuck between Kane and Big Show. He just spazzes out then walks into an uppercut .

Big Show seems genuinely PISSED OFF at Lance Cade, and absolutely batters him in the corner.

SWEET N SOUR ON THE FLOOR TO KANE~! That’s when Murdoch chops the back of the knee and Cade clotheslines the guy at the same time.

Cade & Murdoch do a nice job of controlling Kane. They were a pretty good team at the time from what I remember. Shame they broke up and their careers in WWE were basically over from there.

In the end, the pure power of Kane and Show is too much for the tag champs. New champions!

Fun match.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

VADER. GOLDUST. THE COA…ch? LOL.

 

The divas all come out in sexy robes as we see what they will have to wear in the diva’s battle royal later. Lingerie, Leather & Lace, or Cheerleader? LINGERIE WINS FAP FAP FAP.

 

Batista Vs The Coach – Street Fight

So this was either gonna be a street fight, verbal debate or arm wrestling match lol. I’M SHOCKED THE STREET FIGHT WAS PICKED. 91%?

Oh and this was also supposed to be Austin Vs The Coach, but Austin was in a “car accident”. Which actually means WWE wanted COACH TO WIN and Austin told them to fuck off. So Batista replaced him!

GOLDUST AND VADER are here to help Coach. GOLDUST. VADER. WWE. 2005. That was fucking awesome. At least we have Goldust in the company still today . And we saw Vader last year too.

“SHALL WE DO THE RIGHT THING AND CALL COACH’S NEXT OF KIN? OR AT THE VERY LEAST FIND A NEW HOME FOR THE INFLATABLE WOMEN HE LIVES WITH?” Joey has had a TON of awesome lines all night btw.

Street fight means no DQ, so Coach can hide and let Vader & Goldust do the dirty work for him. VADER. GOLDUST.

KENDO STICK~! Goldust mauls Batista with a Kendo stick! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR ELECTROCUTING HIM!!!

Vader and Goldust hold down Batista and Coach gives him the BELT. This only angers the animal.

SPINEBUSTER TO VADER~!

SLAP TO COACH~!

BATSTA BOMB TO COACH~!

Goldust survives without taking any major hits somehow lol.

Too short to be anything special, but immensely fun just to see VADER AND GOLDUST at this time.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

HBK gets interviewed. Angle shows up and offers to put their differences aside to they can take out Cena together then go at it one on one for the title. Shawn will think about it.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Mickie James Vs Victoria Vs Maria Vs Ashley Vs Candice Michelle – Lingerie Fullfil Your Fantasy WWE Women’s Championship Battle Royal

LINERIE .

FAP.

MICKIE JAMES FAP FAP FAP BOUNCY BOUNCY BOUNCY FAP FAP FAP.

MARIA FAP FAP.

Trish is kinda boring in her attire tbh lol. Just basic bra and panties. Same with Victoria. In fact Victoria looks like she’s in her normal ring gear .

Trish wins thanks to Mickie James constantly saving her and sacrificing herself.

FAP.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs Ric Flair – WWE Intercontinental Championship Steel Cage Match

been waiting to see this one again.

I never understood HHH’s motive. He was out injured, and while gone Flair won the IC title and… HHH decided it was time for Flair to leave. Because… ummm… Flair won the IC title. Makes sense.

NOT.

Dammit now I wanna go watch Wayne’s World. BRB 2 hours.

Aaaand back. Film still rules . Where was I? Oh yeah…

I like how instead of WWE giving us 2 shitty options and 1 real option, giving us the appearance of choice but really controlling it… for this match Flair comes out and basically orders the fans to vote for the cage match . No bullshit, no pretending you have a choice; flat out telling you he’s having a cage match so vote for it!

Flair is fired up in the opening of this match, avoiding and blocking punches from HHH and coming back with punches and CHOPS of his own. WOOOOOO. He even goes toe to toe with THE GAME in a punch off and GETS THE BETTER of him!

A high knee causes the downfall of the Nature Boy though, and now HHH can begin to work on putting Flair DOWN. Which ain’t gonna be easy because the NATURE BOY is still better than HHH even in his twilight years WOOOOO.

HHH sends Flair into the side of the cage and BLOOD~! Lawler even sarcastically comes out with “that didn’t take long” .

Flair is awesome selling it though. You can hear him screaming “oh god, arrrghhhh” and shit . Especially after the knee drop to the face that HHH stole from Flair. He’s just fecking awesome at making you believe he’s in pain.

After some more shots into the side of the cage, punches to the face and another knee drop, HHH seems to think this is over and begins to climb out, only to stop and come back in when he sees that Flair is up and climbing the ropes to get him!

Not really a fan of HHH trying to climb out there. He hadn’t done nearly enough to Flair to END HIS CAREER or anything. He was literally just trying to WIN the match, which this isn’t about.

HHH again tries to climb out because… I dunno any more… but while trying to escape, he unhooks some chain by accident and decides “fuck it, amma go back and hit Flair with this”, and the match continues .

FIGURE FOUR COUNTERED WITH A PUNCH TO THE FACE USING THE CHAIN~!

FLAIR KICKS OUT~!

“OH GOD, JESUS CHRIST ARRRGHHH!” More awesome selling from Flair .

the referee takes the chain away from HHH and the fans BOO. I guess they were hoping Flair would get it and use it? I dunno.

Flair is bleeding and hurting, and HHH is practically having FUN. He’s slowly working over his former mentor, punching him in the face some more, dropping the knee onto the back of his head, and the ultimate insult; figure four leg lock!

Flair screaming I’LL KILL YOU at HHH while trying to reverse the figure four is the greatest thing I think I’ve ever seen since Micke James was bouncing around in lingerie earlier in the show FAP FAP FAP.

MIDDLE FINGER FROM FLAIR~! HE REVERSES THE FIGURE FOUR~!

HHH gets to the ropes and… the referee breaks the hold because… ummmm. NO DQ YOU DUMB FUCK.

HHH FACE FIRST INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE~!

HHH PULLS A FLAIR AND BLADES THE FIRST CHANCE HE GETS~!

FLAIR JUST CHARGES AND JUMPS AT HHH AND STARTS BITING HHH’S FACE . Flair is without a doubt the greatest of all time. Except for maybe TERRY FUNK. I think I need to go watch their matches later lol.

PAYBACK IS A BLOODY BITCH HERE TONIGHT AT TABOO TUESDAY~! Ha, that sounds a lot more ENGLISH when you read it, knowing it was written by me .

The Nature Boy is back in control, and now he’s getting back into a grove, and it’s VINTAGE FLAIR as he begins to work over the leg of HHH!!!

THE REAL FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK~! HHH TRIES TO ESCAPE SO FLAIR THUMBS HIM IN THE EYE~!

“THERE IS A FOREARM RIGHT TO THE BALLS AND IT’S PPV SO I CAN SAY IT” Styles fucking rules tonight.

“HE’S GOT A HANDFUL OF NUTS! HE’S GOT THE TESTICULAR CLAW ON HHH!!!” this is the greatest thing ever.

Multiple chair shots to the fucking FACE of HHH, and this is a genuine reaction from a fan:

FLAIR WINS!!!

This. Is. Incredible.

Truly. Incredible.

I’d have to watch Backlund/Slaughter cage from 1981 again to see which is the best in company history.

Rating: ****3/4
CAL SCALE – 8

 

They announce they’ve had over 6 million votes tonight. I’d quite like to see TT/CS come back, maybe could be a WWE Network exclusive show, once the Network makes it to places other than NA of course lol.

 

John Cena Vs Shawn Michaels Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match

Angle asked Shawn befoe this match to team up with him and take out Cena. HBK says he’ll think about it. Angle attacks HBK after the bell and goes to work on Cena alone .

Angle botches ducking a clothesline… causing HBK to just club the side of his neck . Not what you need with a history of neck problems tbh .

ANGLE SPAMMING SUPLEXES~! AND I DON’T GIVE A SHIT BECAUSE THEY LOOK AWESOME~!

Angle and HBK finally end up on the same page and the crowd POP like fuck because they are both mauling Cena . Man, Cena stopped being uber over pretty much the moment he won the title .

Remember the WM XX triple threat, when HBK and HHH stood on one announce table, and did the front suplex to Benoit through the OTHER table to take him out for a while and it looked brutal as fuck? Well here Angle and HBK do the same thing… but stood in front of the table, and it looks like absolute shit.

Yey just what this match needs… REST HOLD~! the fans actually start chanting for CENA to get back in and add some excitement to the match.

SUPER ANGLE SLAM~!

OMG THE MATCH DIDN’T END THERE I DID NOT EXPECT SUCH A THING TO HAPPEN DURING A KURT ANGLE MATCH HOW DID THAT HAPPEN THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE~!

Cena is back… and gets taken out not too long after. In fact, Angle throws him out into the crowd. Which is a bad idea because they hate him .

KIP UP~!

KIP UP AGAIN~!

RIGHT INTO AN OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX OVER THE ROPES~!

F-U COUNTERED INTO AN ANKLE LOCK~!

Cena sits in the hold for a couple of minutes until HBK shows up and Elbow Drops Angle to break it.

SUPER KICK~!

F-U~!

Cena retains.

Well this was… ok. Kinda fun. Typical WWE triple threat formula.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 9.5