Month: January 2013

2012 Royal Rumble

So apparently I never did a full review for this event last year. Looked up why, turns out I was on my way to Scotland hours afterwards for a funeral.

Match 1 – Daniel Bryan Vs Mark Henry Vs The Big Show – WHC inside a steel cage! Henry was just coming off his awesome 2011 run, but he’s dropped the title at TLC due to being injured. Yet still continued to wrestle for another 3 months or so. Show won the belt… then dropped it 45 seconds later to Daniel Bryan who cashed in Money in the Bank! Awesome. Bryan at this point was having some awesome character development, going from a pure babyface, to a heel who still thought he was a babyface. This was also the beginning of the AJ push. Match isn’t too long, since Henry is hurt after all, but I really like what they manage to do. Bryan takes turns in getting mauled by his bigger opponents, then occasionally Show and Henry would go at while. Finish is still really weird to me, with Show grabbing on to Daniel’s arm then he seemingly drops him and Bryan wins. Almost like a botch finish… except it wasn’t lol. Good stuff, but nothing amazing. Bryan/Henry cage match is the only cage bout you should check out from this feud, and then the singles Show/Henry matches too. **3/4.

Match 2 – The Bella Twins, Natalya & Beth Phoenix Vs Eve, Kelly Kelly, Tamina Snuka & Alicia Fox – NO.

Match 3 – John Cena Vs Kane – EMBRACE THE HATE. Or not. Cena will win anyway. Only good thing to come out of all this was Ryder getting destroyed on a weekly basis! Chokeslam through the stage, Tombstone, being pushed off the stage in his wheelchair LMFAO. Is there some sort of sick joke to be made about Cena and Kane doing a suffocation spot then countering into a crossface? There probably is, but I’ll refrain from doing it. Fuck me this was dull. Ends in a countout too. DUD.

Match 4 – Brodus Clay Vs Drew McIntyre – This is happening because. Yeah. I’m like 99% positive that Drew got “fired” a week or so ago by Teddy Long because he kept losing matches. Then he randomly shows up here. To get squashed by Brodus. At least he got past all this and now he’s doing something good. Oh wait, no. 3MB. Urgh. Way to waste one of the most talented guys on the roster, you fucktards. DUD.

Match 5 – CM Punk Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE title on the line. The ENTIRE BUILDUP for this match was based around Punk and BIG JOHNNY, so Big Johnny was going to be the special referee. Then decided against it just before the match. So the entire build up went out the window. Awesome. SO we get some good stuff here because, well, Punk and Ziggler together always work nicely at the very least. However, there were some things I didn’t like. Mostly how Punk had Ziggler beat THREE TIMES while the referee is down and Big Johnny just stands on the outside and doesn’t attempt to make a call. Makes Ziggler look weak as shit… because he still ends up losing. If Ziggler got the title, then at least the being beat 3 times thing would have been perfect to focus on building up to a rematch. But as it was… it just made Ziggler look like a complete joke. Kinda like how Cena is doing with him now. Poor guy. Punk and Ziggler had better TV matches leading up to this match. **3/4.

Match 6 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Rumble starts in the worst way ever with THE JIZ being #1. Alex Riley is #2. Things aren’t getting better lol. Match is dull for a while, then FOLEY shows up, followed by RICARDO who does Del Rio’s entrance only with some broken down old car which is amazing. Then Santino shows up and we get a battle of the sock puppets which makes me MARK OUT BRO. Then they get eliminated and it gets real fucking DULL again. All 3 commentators working the show enter because… fuck knows. Karma returns which was cool, but she doesn’t last long. ROAD DOGG shows up which is awesome. Love when Swagger comes in and chargers after everyone, knocking them down, but when he gets to Road Dogg, he just screams “woah!!” at him, so Swagger stops and leaves him alone. LOL. Gets dull again, then picks up with an awesome finishing stretch between Sheamus and Jericho as the final 2. Sheamus wins. Overall a boring as fuck match. Some fun surprises, but they don’t last very long. Finish makes up for a lot of the bad, but not by much. **3/4.

2011 Royal Rumble

Match 1 – Edge Vs Dolph Ziggler – WHC is on the line, and the SPEAR is banned. Oh hey, Cena’s dad is in the front row, just behind the commentators. Edge should slap him again. So, the show is kicking off with the WHC match. A sign of things to come. For WM. And next year’s RR. And then next year’s WM again. So Edge can’t use the spear in this match, and after the heard the announcement he made sure to hit it multiple times on the floor on SD just days before the PPV. Allows Edge to target the ribs of Dolph, Hopefully giving him enough of an advantage to counter the fact he can’t use his finisher. All that changes or course once Ziggler goes after Edge’s neck, something he’s had surgery on in the past (and would retire months later because of it), plus it works nicely with Ziggler’s 2 main finishers; Zig Zag and sleeper hold. Dolph is nice and aggressive going after the neck, but fuck he doesn’t half overuse the headlock, when I can’t help but think why isn’t he going for a sleeper instead? LMAO at Cole saying Edge side stepping a Stinger Splash attempt from Dolph was a new offensive move that Edge had to come up with since he can’t use the spear. THAT BAREBACK LIKE MANOEUVRE! No idea what Striker means half the time lol. Edge finally decides to bust out something special because he can’t use his Spear… and it’s none other than the EDUCATION! Always like that submission. It doesn’t get him the win though, and that’s pretty much the only move he busts out due to the fact his finisher is banned. So how does he end up winning the match? An Unprettier/Killswitch… after he lands a SPEAR. Bullshit. If you want a good example of a match where one of the participants can’t use his finisher, watch HBK Vs Orton Survivor Series 2007. THAT is how you do it. This was pretty meh overall. I always felt it was overrated, but I generally liked it anyway, until now. **1/2.

Match 2 – The Miz Vs Randy Orton – NO. I cannot sit through a terrible Miz title defence against the dull bastard that is Randy Orton post 2007.

Match 3 – Natalya Vs Michelle McCool Vs Layla Vs Eve – Originally set to be a handicap match for the divas title, with LayCool facing Natalya. The Anonymous GM (you know… Hornswoggle…) sends an email, and once Cole unwraps himself from the wires he gets caught up in, we find out it’s a 4 way instead. Eve wins the Divas title for the first time here. A week ago she lost it and left the company. BIG CAL SAD NOW. DOUBLE SHARPSHOOTER spot made me a little happy. Match was ok all things considered (divas match lol). *.

The Bella Twins are apologising to Bryan and Gail Kim for trying to date him while he was seeing Gail. Funnily enough Bryan is now dating a Bella twin.

Match 4 – 40 Man Royal Rumble Match – First and ONLY 40 man Rumble. #1 is none other than… CM PUNK. Before #2 can come out, THE CORRE show up to attack him, leading to Punk’s new Nexus to make the save. The Anonymous GM tells them all to fuck off or he’ll DQ them from the match. #2 finally comes out and it’s DANIEL BRYAN. FUCK YES. Justin Gabriel of the CORRE is #3 and gets thrown out pretty quickly. REGAL. European uppercut exchange with Bryan. Awesome. KICKS. Morrison does that rather AWESOME false elimination spot. You know the one. I remember Morrison being a favourite for this match, and hell, I even predicted him to win (didn’t want him to though). Then that spot happened and it was obvious he wasn’t winning. After all, would they really risk their eventual winner taking that spot? He could have slipped and eliminated himself lol. HUSKY HARRIS out to protect Punk from a 2 on 1 beatdown. Which results in Punk getting a face full of HUSKY ARSE. Chavo Jr shows up (with 40 guys in the match they needed more jobbers than usual), and attempts to get a reaction by stealing Eddie’s 3 Amigos move. He makes it to two before someone attacks him, no doubt feeling the disrespect towards Eddie. He keeps having to start again on different people because everyone keeps attacking him. MARK HENRY. Begins his awesome 2011 run by… eliminating Chavo Jr. Awesome! Calling Husky Harris “Husky” is probably the nicest thing Vince ever did. He looks more of a “Mantitsjigglyfat” Harris to me. 4 of the 5 Nexus guys end up in the ring at the same time, and clear the ring, then spend some time eliminating jobbers one at a time. Khali is the biggest threat and gets rid of HUSKY before MASON RYAN enters and throws out Khali. Booker T returns. Matt Striker IS MARKING OUT, BRO, while I don’t give a single FUCK. Nexus are clearly a force to be reckoned with. They’ve taken out everyone who got in the ring with them. Former world champs like Booker and Khali. Punk is on his way to winning the RR match and not one single person on their own can stop him… oh look it’s Cena. Bye Nexus. Bye Punk. We then get a “nexus” style Rumble control from Cena… and Hornswoggle. Urgh. KING SHEAMUS. #30 is Wade Barrett. The only time he’ll probably get that number… and it’s a 40 man RR. Suck it Wade. BIG DADDY COOL DIESEL. NOW I’M MARKING OUT, BRO! God, what a pop he gets. Miz is on commentary now while Alex Riley is in the Rumble. Seems they want to plant the seeds for their WM match. Except Riley accidentally gets eliminated, and you see Cena talking to a ref, who goes to talk to Miz. Meanwhile nobody acknowledges that Riley is gone. LOL. LMFAO at the attempted EPIC STAREDOWN between Cena and Orton. The crowd is dead silent, and not ONE single person gives any fucks. I burst out laughing watching this live, and it still makes me crack up. Del Rio and SANTINO are the final 2. They tease Santino winning. He doesn’t. Overall I really like this match. Shame we got that shit part with Cena killing Punk and Nexus. Aside from that it’s great. ****.

2010 Royal Rumble

Match 1 – Christian Vs Ezekiel Jackson – Put the DVD in for this PPV, and couldn’t remember anything about this show aside from Undertaker Vs Mysterio for the WHC which will happen later. The moment they had the ECW ring announce on screen, I remembered about this match. On paper, a match with Big Zeke doesn’t look good. But his opponent is CHRISTIAN. And this WAS good. Will it hold up this time though? I have high hopes. Oh yeah, this is still just as good. Zeke is green as shit, but he’s fine here because he sticks to the basics. Nothing fancy, just using his power to make basic moves look devastating, working over Christian’s back, and then of course Christian’s incredible selling really pulls the match together. Zeke has only had 3 good matches off the top of my head; tag match with Regal Vs Christian & Kane the week before this show. This match against Christian. Last ECW show… against Christian. I’m no detective, but I see a pattern there! ***1/4.

TIFFANY! My favourite ECW GM! Cryme Tyme both want to be in the Rumble, but there is only one point available. They claim that Khali is going to give them his number. Khali mumbles incoherently. So nothing new there. PANTS ON THE GROUND. PANTS ON THE GROUND. I have NO IDEA what the fuck is going on. Miz shows up, so things just get worse. Miz gets put in a match. I kinda phased out. No idea who his opponent is. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT. This was easily one of the worst most confusing segments I’ve seen. But Tiffany looked hot so… all is forgiven.

Orton sitting backstage. Rhodes tells him he has his back… but isn’t sure about DiBiase. Probably more was said since it lasted a few minutes, but I was busy googling Tiffany.#

Match 2 – The Miz Vs MVP – US title match. I REALLY don’t care. NO.

Show and Jericho backstage. They used to be a team. Now Show is teaming with Miz. THE BIG JIZ. I like how all the segments with Show and Jericho following their tag team break up are all done like they were lovers and broke up. Awesome stuff. R-Truth shows up at the end to ruin things.

Orton again. DiBiase talks to him. Says Rhodes isn’t with them. Opposite of the Rhodes/Orton segment earlier.

Match 3 – Sheamus Vs Randy Orton – NO. Sorry, I can’t sit through this. Orton is dull as shit, and Sheamus would take another year to really hit his stride.

Match 4 – Michelle McCool Vs Mickie James – Divas title on the line. For months, LayCool had been calling Mickie James PIGGIE JAMES, because WWE are anti-bullying. LOL. Horrible, horrible feud and Mickie deserved WAY better. She wasn’t with the company for long after this. I remember there was actually a BOMB THREAT on WWE Headquarters from a Mickie James fan LMAO. Match lasts seconds. Mickie wins the title. Guess it was retribution, but yeah, match should have been so much more. DUD.

Match 5 – The Undertaker Vs Rey Mysterio – Fuck yes, finally anther match worth watching. WHC on the line. I think at this point in time, these two had only wrestled ONCE in 03, and it was a 5 minute match where Undertaker basically crushed Rey, but good god was it FUN. This really is an extended version of that match lol. Rey gets BOOED lol. Undertaker just destroys him in the most FUN way imaginable. Rey gets plenty of stuff in, but nothing really damaging to ‘Taker aside from bigger moves like the 619 (busting Undertaker open, and later in the year would injure the Dead Man for real lol), but even those don’t do much to the Phenom. He is just so protected that a guy the size of Rey, no matter what moves he’s using, just won’t affect Undertaker much at all. Hmmm, seems it was those kicks to the face while escaping a Tombstone that bust Undertaker open, not a 619. Ah well, my memory isn’t as good as I’d like it to be. They had the anti-blood policy around this time btw, where any match with blood would immediately be stopped so they could try and stop the bleeding. AIN’T NOBODY got the balls to stop an UNDERTAKER make because his nose is bleeding lol. Rey pretty much NEVER had a chance of winning, but this match is just soooooo much fucking fun. Watching Undertaker maul Mysterio, counter his moves in unique ways, and also see Rey do everything he can to land offence on the Dead Man. ***1/4.

HBK backstage wanting a monitor. He’s desperate to face Undertaker at WM again. Kane shows up and tells him he’s crazy and obsessed with his brother. HBK is desperate to win the RR. HHH tells him he won’t because HE is winning.

Match 6 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is none other than DOLPH, who will either be 1 or 2 this year (both are essentially the same, but winning from the #2 spot doesn’t seem to be held in the same regard). Evan Bourne is #2. Love how they both start out by going to the middle of the ring, looking at the WM sign, then Dolph screams “it’s MINE” and then they go at it. Good to see them putting over the importance of the match. STRAIGHT EDGE PUNK in at #3, complete with Jesus beard. And thus begins the awesomeness of Punk in this match. He takes out Bourne AND Dolph in succession, then he takes a mic and starts preaching! Khali is next and Punk looks scared, so he offers to SAVE Khali instead. Doesn’t work. He manages to survive the giant until BETH PHOENIX (Punk’s girlfriend at the time I believe) becomes the second women ever to enter a RR match shows up and ELIMINATES KHALI with a kiss. Punk eliminates Beth. Probably the only time in their relationship where he ends up on top. LOL. LMFAO ZACK RYDER. What a threat he is. Punk is about to offer him a place in the SES… but clocks him over the head with the mic before he can finish. Ryder doesn’t belong in the ring with Punk dammit. God this is awesome shit. Then HHH comes out and eliminates Punk and my interest in this match goes down faster than Melina on half the locker room. Fuck this match seriously gets dull up until HBK shows up at #18. HBK dominates and eliminates about 4 guys in a row. HHH and HBK are alone for about 2 seconds then Cena comes out. Double 5 Knuckle Shuffle looks terrible. HBK superkicks HHH out of the ring. LMAO just like the Survivor Series 09 triple threat. HBK and Cena are alone and they work together to clear the ring every time someone new comes out until SHOW shows up. Then fucking MARK HENRY comes in. Fuck yes. BATTLE OF THE FATTIES as my drunken friend would say. 2010 CHRIS MASTERS. Seeing him get to work with HBK for the first time since like 06 is a treat, though doesn’t last long as Show quickly gets rid of the Masterpiece. R-Truth eliminates Henry and Show at the same time. I repeat… R-NO FUCKING TALENT TRUTH ELIMINATES BIG SHOW AND MARK HENRY. What a load of bullshit. Edge returns. Batista is #30. Batista eliminates HBK and dashes his dreams of facing Undertaker at WM… for now. I liked the whole idea of HBK NEEDING to win the RR match, but they really didn’t do much with it in the match which disappointed me. Edge wins. Everyone knew that he was winning. Don’t like this match much. Punk stuff is great, but ends too quickly. Then gets incredibly dull with just a few good moments. **.

2009 Royal Rumble

2008 like many years had its ups and downs, but by the end of the year it seemed to be more of a down year than an up year for me. I was starting to feel bored with wrestling. And then like always I ordered the RR. And after watching it my love of wrestling went to an all time high. I just hope it holds up as a super fun event with some good matches!

Match 1 – Jack Swagger Vs Matt Hardy – ECW title rematch, with Swagger now defending the title against the former champ! Remember when Swagger was seemingly destined for greatness? Then he got drafted to Raw. Went nowhere. Randomly won the WHC. Went nowhere. Lost the WHC. Went nowhere. Now he literally IS nowhere because he hasn’t been on TV in months. Hardy is aggressive early on, throwing some pretty sweet punches and really taking the fight to Swagger who beat Hardy for the title ending his near 5 month reign. Plus with Hardy making this match a FIGHT it gives him an advantage over the more “pure” wrestler in Swagger. Swagger knows this and after taking some time out on the floor to stop Hardy’s momentum, he goes right for a double leg takedown and manages to ground the former champ and begins to control the match. Nice basic story told really well by an underrated veteran in Hardy and a talented new comer in Swagger. A trip to the ring post doesn’t do Matt’s shoulder any favours, and the ECW champ goes after it like a shark that smells blood. Nice work here, though nothing compared to the arm work we would see from Swagger in his epic classic bout with Christian a month later. Great comeback from Matt with a nice moonsault for a great near fall, but another trip to the ring post takes him out for good, and Swagger lands the gutwrench powerbomb and its over. Good stuff. Matt looks visibly disappointed afterwards.  ***.

Match 2 – Beth Phoenix Vs Melina – Santino is with Beth at this point, and he’s over as fuck despite being a heel. Simple story for this match again but nicely executed. Beth is the powerhouse female wrestler so Melina has to use her quickness and FLEXABILITY to try and counter Beth’s strength.  The spot where Melina is on her stomach and Beth uses Melina’s OWN FOOT to kick her in the head is amazing. AMAZING. Seeing that kind of flexibility makes me jealous of Morrison. And Batista. And Mike Knox. And all those other hundreds of guys she’s apparently fucked LOL. Nice counter into a roll up for the finish, with Melina winning the title! Good women’s match, let down only by a couple of botches from Melina, but nothing too bad. Really like this match. **3/4.

Backstage before the next match, JBL talks to HBK and tells him it’s simple; if he wins the WHC from Cena, he will pay ALL the money he owes him… TONIGHT. And he guarantees him a spot in the RR tonight as well, so he has the chance to go to WM to fight for the title in his home of Texas. Seems like a win win for HBK to cost Cena the title. However, from out of the shadows it’s THE UNDERTAKER. SOMETIMES, IT’S HELL GETTING TO HEAVEN. 3rd year straight they teased Undertaker Vs HBK, and with WM 25 happening in TEXAS this year, it was almost certain to finally happen!!!

Match 3 – John Cena Vs JBL – HBK in JBL’s corner, as this was during the time when HBK was broke and JBL hired him to help him win back the WHC. Some people didn’t like this angle, but personally I thought it was GREAT. Just some amazing story telling all round in their matches, promos and segments. I was a little afraid that it would lead to a match between HBK and JBL at WRESTLEMANIA rather than NWO (or was it EC by 09?), because they kept teasing HBK/Undertaker. Thankfully they had the match at NWO/EC and WM was HBK/Undertaker! Cena has the advantage early on, so JBL keeps having to leave the ring and have words with HBK. Eventually Cena gets distracted by HBK just enough for JBL to deck the champ with a huge right hand to the back of the head, and the New York Texan looks to be on his way to the WHC. Crowd is unfortunately a little quiet during this match, which will likely prevent people from enjoying it too much. However I like the storytelling and JBL’s brawling style so I really enjoy it regardless of what the shitty crowd thing lol. HBK SUPERKICKS JBL. HE’S FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT AND DECIDED NOT TO… SUPERKICK TO JOHN CENA! DRAGS JBL OVER FOR THE COVER! 1…2… KICKOUT. Dammit. HBK got some revenge on JBL by kicking him in the face, but doesn’t get paid now because JBL didn’t win, and Cena manages to hit the AA still. Anyways, good match, very story driven, and the finish leads to HBK/JBL at the next PPV and that in turn does a nice job of leading to HBK/Undertaker as well as a few guys battling each other to have the opportunity to face Undertaker. ***1/2.

Match 4 – Jeff Hardy Vs Edge – WWE title on the line and it’s No DQ! For months there has been a “black cloud” hanging over Jeff Hardy. Taken out before the triple threat at Survivor Series, allowing Edge to take his spot and win the title. Then Jeff still managed to win the title at Armageddon. Then there was a car crash. Then the pyro went crazy and nearly blinded him or something (looked hilarious btw). EVERYONE thought it was Christian, who had left TNA and was about to make his return. On screen he was Edge’s brother, and of course they are former tag champs and all that. WWE WERE planning on Christian being revealed. But because everyone knew, instead of GIVING THE FANS WHAT THEY WANTED, they swerved us Vinnie Russo style and gave us some other shite instead. I’ll get to that in a moment. SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT JEFF HARDY WOULD NEVER MAKE IT TO THE TOP. Thought. Hoped. Edge apparently thought he was too charismatic so he brings out Chavo Guerrero Jr to even things out a bit. WE WANT CHRISTIAN chants from the crowd. Sorry, you ain’t getting him. Instead he’ll be relegated to “its christian…” on ECW. He makes the best out of it but yeah, he deserved so much more. Jeff is confident that Edge is the “black cloud”, so he has revenge on his mind. And with No DQ rules for the match now (Vickie announced it just before Edge came out), he can do whatever he wants to gain revenge AND still win the match. Or at least he thinks he can. Chavo Jr (for those wondering why I insist on adding the Jr part to his name, I do so because I refuse to ruin the good name of his father, the actual Chavo Guerrero) grabs hold of Jeff’s leg, either to help out Edge or he hoped that touching something that charismatic would rub off on him. It ended up helping Edge. Sunset flip from a Spear attempt was cool. Match seems to be Edge kinda controlling with Hardy constantly fighting back and making comebacks. Nice Twist of Fate on the apron. He tries to jump off a ladder to drive Edge through the announce table, but Chavo Jr distracts him. As punishment, Jeff puts HIM on the table instead. Holy FUCK at the jump off the ladder, as it falls out from under him and Jeff nearly fucking DIES. Somehow despite the punishment and the risks and shit, Jeff is still firmly in control and managed to hit the Swanton. Vickie pulls out the ref, so who comes to make the save? MATT HARDY. CHAIR SHOT TO JEFF. CHRISTIAN GOT SCREWED. Edge wins. Mostly a really good match. Didn’t like it quite as much as before, but it’s still good. ***1/4.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is Rey Mysterio, #2 is John Morrison. I predict plenty of FLIPS for a while! Some AWESOME near eliminations early on from these two, and it’s just the beginning as this is known for having perhaps the most genuine NEAR eliminations ever, and it’s a big reason as to why I LOVE this match so much. We get some mid carders coming in who in this environment can look good by hitting flashy moves and reversals… then Khali comes in to fuck it all up. He gets eliminated quickly… but by Kozlov who fucks shit up even more. Why they were pushing him at this time I will NEVER understand. HHH shows up to bury the fuck out of him at least., and the Rumble match can go on and be good yet again. Orton is next out, and he’s the big story going into this match due to snapping and punting Vince in the head on Raw. The whole Rumble was essentially build around him so it was so fucking OBVIOUS that he was going to win. Still, knowing the outcome didn’t, and still doesn’t, make me like this match any less. Cryme Tyme both come out, but only one can enter, so JTG tricks Shad with, and I quote, A DOUBLE SIDED COIN! Well done Lawler. It was a two headed coin. ALL coins have 2 sides. Would be rather impossible for a coin to only have one side. JTG and Morrison both dangling over the side holding onto the ropes and kicking each other is another of the many awesome near elimination moments. MIKE KNOX has the greatest beard ever. Why WWE got rid of him I’ll never know. He was a great big man. Now he’s jobbing to Sting on Impact. Poor guy. Orton going on an RKO rampage quite a while AFTER he had entered was cool to see, just because we usually only see people doing that when they first come in. Mysterio using Miz and Morrison as stepping stones to prevent being eliminated… probably the billionth awesome moment of this match. God I FUCKING LOVE THIS MATCH! The fact it was the first RR to be released on Bluray makes is super awesome too. And yes, I own the Bluray. And the DVD. Because I didn’t have a Bluray player at the same lol. Legacy are all out and nice to see them work together. RKO TO MYSTERIO WHO WAS DOING A SPRINGBOARD ATTACK. Moment #193847456383466545873288937548365369765435623778956358475676763. MARK OUT. Speaking of… THE UNDERTAKER. Everyone in the ring stops what they are doing and awaits his entrance into the ring. Doesn’t help them. Good god Undertaker is OVER LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. GOLDUST: THE SKELETON IN HIS FAMILY’S CLOSET. LMFAO. He and brother Cody go at it, and you can see Orton just watching in the background and looking disgusted that Cody isn’t destroying the freak. RKO from out of nowhere, and Orton yells at Cody who then throws out his brother. CM PUNK. The hits just keep on coming. Not the most “star studded” rumble, but certainly enough guys that I’m a big fan. Yet another reason why I love this match lol. Hey, did I mention that I LOVE THIS MATCH yet? No? Well guess what? I LOVE THIS MATCH! LOL at Henry coming out, it was like he had to build up some momentum to start running to the ring. Shelton kicks Henry HARD in the head and I think he may have legit been out of it for a few moments, as he just collapsed back into the ropes and nearly fucking crushed Ted DiBiase LOL. REGAL. He and Punk go at it to continue their TV feud they’ve been having over the IC title. Punk won it last week I think and Regal is NOT happy. Huh, Henry apparently got eliminated. And Undertaker got busted open. No idea when either happened. Undertaker and Kane tease going at it, but hit DiBiase with a double chokeslam instead. Bob Van Dam is a surprise entrant at #25. Don’t think we see him in WWE again. Now he’s hanging around TNA getting paid to be a lazy cunt. HI, I’M DOLPH ZIGGLER. OH HAI DOLPH. I’M KANE. AND YOU’VE JUST BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. Kane eliminates Santino in 1 second. NEW WORLD RECORD. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Hacksaw coming to win the Royal Rumble!!! #30 is none other than THE BIG SHOW. THE LONGER THEY COME THE BIGGER THEY GET. Not sure what JR means there LOL. Show is smiling like a little girl, because he knows at his size, coming in last means he has a great chance to win. He and Undertaker have been trying to cave each other’s skulls in for months now, and they tease them going at it again until Kane clocks Show for the hell of it, and DUGGAN tries to throw the giant out! Didn’t work. Hacksaw is OUT OF HERE. Hornswoggle going for Kane is hilarious, as is Undertaker giving the midget a quick boot out of the ring. UNDERTAKER KICKED A MIDGET. Doesn’t get any more awesome than that. Until he and Show start throwing punches at each other!  Jericho’s face is awesome when he eliminates RVD, then realises Undertaker is standing behind him. They keep going back to Show/Undertaker and it’s awesome every time. Fans are super into it as well, which is always a good sign. Show holding on to the ropes ala Rey Mysterio to prevent being eliminated is just so fucking AWESOME. Show and Undertaker essentially eliminate each other (with a bit of help from Orton) and that leaves HHH alone with all 3 members of Legacy. He picks off the two rookies and then Orton wins. INCREDIBLE match that seems to get better with every watch. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT. ****1/2.

2008 Royal Rumble

Match 1 – MVP Vs Ric Flair – During Flair’s retirement angle. If he loses he retires. How many people honestly thought he’d lose to MVP lol? Not much to say about this. Flair does his Flair stuff, MVP controls the middle part of the match and tries desperately to be the man to end Flair’s career. Figure Four, Flair wins. Ok at best for the time it got. *.

Hornswoggle and Vince. Remember when Kennedy was going to be Vince’s son? But the whole internet KNEW that that was the plan? Plus Kennedy I think failed the wellness policy so he fucked himself over and WWE instead of changing the plan to make it work still… then randomly threw the midget into it. Nice to know they can bounce back when something screws up their original plans. LOL.

Match 2 – Chris Jericho Vs JBL – Anyone remember this feud? Happened just after Jericho returned and faced Orton, and JBL got involved in the match and cost Jericho the title. Then somehow this ended up as some EPICZ PERSONAL FEUD and I don’t really know why. Felt really forced. Didn’t think anything to this match last time I saw it either. But I’ve learnt to love JBL since then so who knows? Jericho is PISSED and goes right for JBL who keeps backing into the ropes to break things up, then waits for his moment to deck Jericho while the ref is holding him back, but it does nothing more than fuel the fire in Jericho and he comes back with some more HATE~! JBL gains the advantage and goes after the neck and throat because apparently he choked Jericho with a cable or something on Raw. Lack of build up videos screw matches like this up lol. Jericho goes SHOULDER FIRST into the ring post… and gets busted open. I THINK WRESTLING MIGHT BE FAKE! JBL beats down Jericho… Jericho makes his comeback, then decks JBL in the head with a chair. DQ… and then suddenly switch to a backstage camera. How… odd. This wasn’t that good. Decent brawl in parts, but the emotion was super forced and nobody cared. *.

Tranny Ashley knocks on Maria’s locker room door. Because Maria deserves her own locker room. Santino comes out. Talks some shit. Pointless.

Match 3 – Edge Vs Rey Mysterio – Finally, something I remember being good on this shitty show lol. Rey beats Edge in under SIX MINUTES to earn a title shot. Against Edge. LOL. Oh and technically he cheated too. Undertaker got involved. Like last year they put some build to a WM match with Undertaker and the WHC, but at least this time they put more focus into the RR title match. The Kennedy/Batista build up video was more Undertaker/Batista lol. MSG being a more “smarky” crowd boo Rey and cheer Edge. Which is odd because “smarky” crowds tend to cheer the good wrestlers. Which SHOULD mean they would be cheering REY. Referee Mickie Henson sends the Edge Heads to the back after they are caught just about to attack Rey on the outside. Random bit of info, Henson’s middle name is JAY, and he went by that as his “ring” name, but WWE changed it because it sounded too much like Mickie James. Then  a few years later they completely took away referees names. Edge works over the knee of Mysterio, and Mysterio sells it beautifully even while using his usual faster paced high flying offence. Most guys who work similar to Rey will just ignore the leg and hit their shit and only sell afterwards. Not Rey. One of the MANY reasons he deserves to be mentioned as one of the best of all time. NOBODY was more consistent than him between 2002-2012 in WWE. Just a shame that when he returned he didn’t seem the same, plus he got stuck with Sin Cara. Rey builds some momentum and during this time manages to rest his knee long enough to have a burst of energy to hit a 619 and splash! Vickie breaks up the count, then puts herself between Edge and another 619! Edge counters a springboard attack into a SPEAR. Nice finish. Overall a really good match. Edge works the knee, Rey sells tremendously, cool finish. ***1/2.

Flair in a towel. Just what I wanted to see. Kennedy starts his feud with Flair that leads to a nothing match at NWO. HBK randomly shows up. Flair says nobody can beat HBK tonight. Until Batista shows up and he claims he just meant on nobody on RAW can beat HBK. Then HHH shows up. Tells Flair to get dressed. HBK shills his new T-Shirt. Funny stuff, which makes a change.

Maria. With a microphone. She… says something and I seriously have NO IDEA what she said. At all. Oh a kiss cam. Just what we need on PPV. Tranny Ashley shows up too. She asks Maria is she is interested in posing for Playboy. Santino is against it. Christ this lasts waaaaay too long. Santino has a “special” friend under a black sheet. Its Big Dick Johnson. Just what this segment was missing.

Match 4 – Randy Orton Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE title match time. Jeff is the IC champ at this time too. A very, very nice “clash of styles” type match here. Orton is a much more ground based wrestler with Jeff being a high flyer, so we have Orton doing what he can to keep Jeff on the mat, with Jeff at every chance he gets using his unique offence to try and pick up the win and his first WWE title. GOAT whisper in the wind here btw. He hits it absolutely PERFECTLY and Orton does a great bump off it as well. Screw that cage match with Umaga one that everyone talks about. THIS is where it’s at. More perfection with the execution of the finish. Twist of Fate countered into a beautiful RKO. Good match, always liked it, and nice to see that it held up and then some. ***1/2.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – *sigh* I don’t like this match. Well, I might after this watch, I’ve changed my mind on a bunch of things over these RR rambles so far. But yeah, going into it I’m not expecting much outside of a few moments. Last year the final 2 men were Undertaker and HBK. So who better to be #1 and #2 than…. UNDERTAKER AND HBK! Any chance to see these two go one on one makes me tingly in my groin. NO HOMO. WWE also parted with a bit of cash to get Michael Buffer to announce the Royal Rumble match. They should get him every year for the RR. LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETS GET REAAAAAAAAAAAAADY TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Shame Buffer absolutely sucked at announcing The Undertaker lol. Santino is #3. I love how he tries to “look big” lol. Reminds me of The Cat in the first episode of Red Dwarf. Except The Cat didn’t get superkicked in the face and thrown out of the Royal Rumble. Maybe I missed that episode. Huge “YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” chants for Khali lol. Batista comes out at #2, and they tease some more Undertaker Vs Batista stuff… until Dreamer of all people attacks Big Dave. Only to be eliminated LOL. #9 is none other than HORNSWOGGLE. I love when they waste entrants on useless fuckers. Screw surprise entrants or deserving mid carders getting a chance… let’s have commentators and midgets! Hornswoggle runs straight under the ring making his entrance even MORE pointless. Speaking of pointless it’s CHUCK PALUMBO. He’s like a really lame version of Undertaker’s ABA gimmick. And funnily enough had a sort of relationship with Michelle McCool on the show too. Guess she wanted the REAL thing LOL. Noble comes in like a house on fire (that phase makes no sense. A house on fire would just sit there and BURN down) and goes for CHUCKY because he has a thing for Michelle and Palumbo injured her on SD or something. He gets eliminated in seconds. CM PUNK. Don’t recal him being a favourite to win this year. Morrison on the other hand was certainly rumoured to win. LOL. Punk had more of a chance in 07 than Morrison did in 08. LMAO at Shelton Benjamin. Comes running in, jumps on the ropes to show off his athleticism and nearly takes out the tag champs, then hits his finisher on Punk… then eats some Sweet Chin Music and he’s done. HE’S THE GOLD STANDARD THO! Snuka and Piper going at it one more time in MSG with all the other wrestlers just standing back and watching is a pretty awesome moment. Pop for Piper is immense. Immense is a good work to describe the size of his GUT too lol. Punk is MARKING OUT watching lol. FOLEY! Huge reaction for him. SWEET CHIN MUSIC. UNDERTAKER IS ELIMINATED! KENNED Y ELIMINATES HBK! Undertaker is fucking furious… so he attacks Snitsky and leg drops him through a table. Miz gets eliminated by HORNSWOGGLE. LMFAO. Exactly what he deserves. Main event of WM? What a load of bollacks that was. Swoggle tries to eliminate Henry, who picks him up and brings him into the ring where he looks like he’s about to be raped by Henry, Big Daddy V and Chavo. Finlay runs in to make the save and takes him to the back. Hornswoggle was technically never eliminated. So he wins, right? Finlay gets DQ’D from the Rumble match for using his sheleighly. How much fucking bullshit is that? People can use chairs all they want, but a fucking sheleighly? GTFO! I always knew that’s the reason he was removed from the match, but SOME people told me it was because he jumped the gun and came out before his turn. JR SAYS OTHERWISE. I WAS RIGHT. YOU WERE WRONG. SUCK IT PEOPLE WHO PROBABLY WON’T EVER READ THIS. HHH VS MICK FOLEY in MSG is another mark out moment. So many great “mini battles” from the past in this match. HBK/Undertaker, HHH/Foley, Snuka/Piper, Undertaker/Batista, Undertaker/Khali, HBK/Kennedy, Undertaker/Kennedy and probably more too. We get stuff like this every year, but it’s not often their previous rivalries get mentioned to the extent they do here. #30 is JOHN CENA. Big surprise at the time because NOBODY expected it at all. Hularious listening to the MSG crowd who lose their shit when his music hits… then remember “oh noes we suposed to hatz him” and begin to boo. Everyone always talks about how they marked out for him showing up, and say that anyone who says otherwise is lying. Uhhh no… not everyone marked out for Cena. I’m one of them. I just sighed when he came out because at that moment I KNEW he was winning. And that sucked. For the first time in a VERY long time it was pretty impossible to tell who was winning. HHH, Batista, Morrison, Kennedy and others were all favoured to get the win. Then once Cena came out there was no mystery or anything. Cena was winning and that was that. Bah. Sucked the life out of the match. That aside though, I really enjoyed this! Which is a nice surprise because I always considered it one of the lesser Rumble matches. So that’s good! ***1/2.

2007 Royal Rumble

Match 1 – MNM Vs The Hardy Boys – DAT ASS. DEM TITIES. Something about a tag match too. Matt absolutely SHATTERED Mercury’s face a month ago at Armageddon in a 4 team ladder match (awesome match in its own right, and the injury is brutal as fuck), so MNM want some fucking REVENGE. Great to see MNM work over the FACE of Matt. Mercury punching Matt so hard he hurts his hand is awesome. Melina is a screamer. Batista told me. They do their best to work over Matt and his face, but when Jeff gets a tag in and they manage to hurt his ribs, they take full advantage of that too, showing they aren’t JUST focused on injuring Matt, which would likely put them at a disadvantage if they only went into the match being so single minded. Hardy’s win the end. Really good tag match. ***1/2.

Backstage with some rumble picks. Edge mocks Kelly Kelly’s name. She says “at least it’s my real name”. No, no it’s not. Orton shows up and they argue a little bit because despite being tag champs they haven’t been getting along so well lately. King Booker shows up. Nobody seems to look at their number or anything so we have no idea how good or bad they might be. Utterly pointless lol.

Match 2 – Bobby Lashey Vs Test – Oh joy. Bobby Bathturd Lashley Vs Testicles. I AM THE IMPACT PLAYER. No Test, no you are not. Paul Heyman wanted to make CM Punk the ECW champ in the EC a month ago. Vince decided on Lashley. Heyman left the company for 6 years. GREAT JOB VINCE. Ok at the start with Lashley using his power and hitting some nice suplexes. Then Test gets in control and I would have been better off banging my head against a wall. BIG BOOT FROM TEST. Test gets himself counted out. IN A TITLE MATCH. WHERE HE ISN’T THE CHAMPION. WHAT THE FUCK?!?! DUD.

John Cena’s ribs are hurt. OH NOES. But he’s being the stand up guy and not giving up so yey! CENA IS THE BESTESTEST AND MOST BRAVEREST OF THEM ALL.

Match 3 – Batista Vs Mr Kennedy – WHC match. LMAO the entire build up video for this match is all about Undertaker and Batista. It’s almost like the Kennedy match doesn’t matter and they are focusing on Undertaker/Batista for WM. LOL. This is from that one period of time when Kennedy DIDN’T suck, so on paper it has potential, and it lives up to that potential. Not as a great match, but as a solid match. Kenned is good working over a leg of Batista, and Batista sells well for the most part. **3/4.

Vampire dude from ECW picks his number. Then midget guy shows up. He picks Finlay’s number. He attacks Coach. Khali shows up. Grabs 3 numbers. Kelly Kelly grabs the remaining 2 balls. Simmons shows up and says DAMN.

Match 4 – John Cena Vs Umaga – It be a LMS match for the WWE Title. Considered as a classic by many, but not me. Didn’t like it much on a last watch. The finish still haunts me as one of the dumbest things I’ve seen in a match, and a high profile one at that. I THINK UMAGA IS SCARIER THAN KING KONG. That’s for that Lawler. Nice to see your commentary was still on top form in 07… Anyway. Cena has bad ribs. Umaga does a nice job destroying them some more. And then Cena picks up the steel steps (which according to the announcers over the years, weigh quite a lot) and THROWS them at Umaga. A bunch of times. With BAD RIBS. Cena, the huge babyface he is, gets some encouraging chants while Umaga is beating the fuck out of him: “WE WANT TABLES”. Oh wait no, those aren’t encouraging, are they? LOL. Cena gets busted open: “CENA SUCKS!” LMFAO. Man, first half of this match, any time Cena attempts a comeback his offence is STUPID. He has bad ribs, so what does he does? Steel steps as mention. CROSSBODY from the top rope. Five Knuckle Shuffle (not bad on the ribs, but the dumbest thing he could do lol since it doesn’t really affect anyone). Towards the end he builds a little momentum by simply AVOIDING Umaga and forcing him to crash and burn so that’s good at least. And then we have the finish. FUCK THIS FINISH. Estrada uses a METAL SPANNER to take apart the top rope so Umaga can use A BIT OF METAL from the turnbuckle on Cena. Which is ONLY done so they have an excuse for the ropes to be broken so Cena can choke Umaga out. BULLSHIT. Overall this has it’s good points and bad points. Good us usually Umaga who looks GREAT on offence. Bad is mostly Cena who uses stupid offence. And then the finish outright BLOWS. Still, better than I remembered it, but not by much. ***1/4.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is none other than THE NATURE BOY. #1 is fucking FINALY. Hells yeah! LOL at number 3. KENNY DYKSTRA. Remember him? Nobody else does either. RIC FLAIR WAS ALIVE WHEN 2 PEOPLE WERE IN THE RR. Which makes no sense because it hasn’t exactly gotten bigger over the years. One with 20, then it’s always been 30 aside from that one time it was 40 lol. Some ECW jobbers show up. Sabu sets a table up on the outside. People tease putting people through it. Kane comes out at #10, chokeslams Sabu through the table. LOL at Cole. Kane is the 10th entrant. 2 people have been eliminated. WE HAVE 10 MEN IN THE RING RIGHT NOW. CM PUNK! He was actually rumoured to WIN this match lol. I like Punk and all but 2007 was not the year for him to win the RR. Things pick up with some good entrants like BENOIT and Orton. Kane eliminates Booker T, so Booker T runs back in, attacks Kane, throws him out then beats him down. Start of their EPIC FEUD for No Way Out lol. ECW being in this Rumble really brings it down lol. They all suck bar Punk.HBK. HBK AND FINLAY EXCHANGES. Viscera gets gangbanged and thrown out. Finlay is gone too. BOOOO. LMFAO, RVD gets up on the ropes to jump off with that kick he does… and CM Punk just walks away and goes after someone else leaving RVD looking like an egit. THE GREAT KHALI. I like how everyone goes after him one at a time. THAT’S SMART. The fans are absolutely SILENT while he beats down everyone. Miz comes out. Miz gets eliminated. I LOL. #30 is none other than THE UNDERTAKER. He finally takes care of Khali who dominated the last few minutes. MVP is net to do, and we are left with Rated RKO, Undertaker and HBK! What a final four! RKO to HBK and Rated RKO are left alone to beat down The Undertaker. HBK gets back into things after a few minutes, Rated RKO end up eliminated, and then we get the greatest finale to a RR match ever. Undertaker and HBK for the first time in NINE years. Would be another 2 before they had a singles match though, but damn this was awesome to see. RR is in Texas so both men could be considered favourites, and with both getting title matches at WM anyway I think they only went with Undertaker because he’d never won while Shawn had won twice before. Some parts of this match are a little iffy, thanks to the shitty ECW guys, but overall its fucking great and that finishing stretch with Undertaker and HBK just bumps it up a ton too. ****1/4.

2006 Royal Rumble

Match 1 – Kid Kash Vs Funaki Vs Jamie Noble Vs Nunzio Vs Paul London Vs Gregory Helms – 6 Way Cruiserweight Invitational Texas Tornado match. Helms recently gave up the Hurricane gimmick, and despite being a Raw star this is invitational for any former CW champs. SD guys gang up and attack him. Racists, they don’t like RED PEOPLE (get it? Raw is the Red brand? SCREW YOU I’M HILARIOUS)! Match is just a fast paced fun opener filled with MOVES~! where everyone gets their little spots in to look good then Helms wins the belt and goes on to hold it for over a year or something. Not usually my style of wrestling but I can enjoy this for what it is. **3/4.

Vince backstage feeling up Torrie, Victoria and Candice. Then they play with balls, and invite Randy Orton in to join them. Obviously he’s picking his RR number. He likes it a lot. HHH picks his. He ain’t too excited. TORRIE, YOU MIND OPENING YOUR BOX FOR ME? WOULD YOU HOLD MY BALL? GIVE ME MY BALL BACK.

Trish in a referee’s outfit. MICKIE CRAZY JAMES. SHE TELLS TRISH SHE LOVES HER. HOT!

Match 2 – Mickie James Vs Ashley – Trish is the guest ref. Remember SUNNY in those short shorts in 97 I think it was? Well take about 4 inches off them and that’s what TRISH is wearing. Poor Mickie, she has to take offence from Ashley and sell it as well, despite the fact it looks god awful. Kinda like Ashley who looked like a tranny. MICKIE JAMES QUITE THE OPPERTUNIST, WHEN SHE SAW ASHLEY’S BACKSIDE SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE. Trish’s shorts and Mickie’s performance are the only redeeming qualities to this match. Mickie wins. I miss crazy Mickie. As much as I like AJ, she ain’t got nuffin on crazy Mickie. 1/4*.

McMahon looking at tattoos from the divas. Show comes in and wants to show off his. They decline. Vince makes a joke about Show having BLUE BALLS. Rey picks his number. Eddie apparently played a joke on him by picking #2 for him. EDDIE! YOU GOT ME MAN. YOU GOT ME. Urgh, cheesy pandering to the death of Eddie.

Match 3 – JBL Vs The Boogeyman – NO.

Back with Vince and the sluts. SHELTON BENJAMIN’S MOMMA TOUCHES UP VINCE. I legitimately think Shelton’s Momma was  GREAT and extremely underrated. She was awesome. Melina flirts with Shelton. His MOMMA drags him away. Good job too, she’s a SLUT. MNM draw numbers. They seem ok with them. Shelton and MNM claim they will eliminate HBK.

Spirit Squad come out and do their shit. And I do mean shit. LOL, Ziggler was booked better as part of the Spirit Squad than he has for most of his career as “Dolph”.

Match 4 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Fuck, I knew this didn’t main event… but even Cena/Edge was after it? LOL. HYPE REY WINNING THE RR FOR EDDIE. JUST DON’T MAKE THAT BIG A DEAL OF OUT IT BY NOT LETTING IT MAIN EVENT. SAME WITH HIS TITLE MATCH AT WM. They exploited Eddie’s death… just not all the way. Makes it worse in a way because they half arsed it rather than really going all the way and trying to make something huge out of it. Urgh. HHH is #1, Rey is #2. This is probably as close to a singles match between them that we’ll ever get. Suck it HHH fans! LMAO at Simon Dean coming down on the segway thingy. I think he even throws a coin at one of the guys who open the doors for them to come down to the ring. Nice tip lol. He thinks he eliminated Rey, they wants a high five from HHH, but gets punched in the face and eliminated. WOOOO Ric Flair sags his way down to the ring and goes right for HHH. Chops and ball grabbing follow before Flair gets thrown out. BOOOOOOOOOOO. THE BIG SHOW. He wants to break HHH in half too. LOL, Cole says Show has his mind set on burying HHH. Wrong way round Michael!! Cole: BIG SHOW GONNA TOSS HHH! Lawler (after a few seconds of silence): Over? LMFAO. Bobby Lashley. HE COULD BE THE DARK HORSE. Is it because he’s black? Fuck you Cole! LOL. Awesome spot where Lashley just THROWS Big Show. Then Kane comes out and Lashley is fucked. Double team from Kane and Show, and he’s out of there. He looked really strong before he got eliminated though. Dominator to Kane, press slam to HHH, the stuff with Show. Kane and Show battle it out between themselves, and HHH buries… I mean eliminated them. Ha. BENOIT. Awesome German Suplex to Rey. Throws him half way across the ring. LMFAO Booker lasts about 20 seconds and gets eliminated by Benoit. Suck it T, you SUCK.  TATANKA RETURN. LMAO EUGENE gets booed to shit. RVD returns to action for the first time since he fucked up his knee… at some point in time. I don’t remember, nor do I care. Fuck the RVD. HE’S SUPER. HE’S CRAZY. HE’S… what’s his name again? Things get dull for a while in terms of entrants. People like Super Crazy and Eugene and OJ and Chavo etc. #25 HBK. About time someone good entered! THE WORLD’S LARGEST LOVE MACHINE. No, not me, Viscera! He rapes Matt Hardy then throws him out. Don’t think he’s gonna call him in the morning either. Poor Matt. First Lita leaves him for Edge and now this. GOLDUST! Was he making a return here? I think so. 2 RR match returns for Goldust in his career. In 4 years. LOL. I’d mark for him showing up in the 2013 RR. Orton is #30 and it’s time to clear the ring. Masters, Viscera, BENOIT (eliminated by Orton) are all gone pretty quickly. HBK gets rid of MNM who vowed to eliminate him, then he turns around and BENJAMIN kicks him in the skull. Benjamin was doing great around this time. SUPERKICK and he’s out though. His MOMMA ain’t gonna be happy. And with the 3 guys who told Vince they’d throw HBK out are eliminated, VINCE comes out to distract the Heart Break Kid while Shane O’Mac comes from behind and out goes the Showstoppa! HBK runs back in after Shane and ends up Superkicking HHH before chasing Shane backstage. We end up with #1, #2 and #30 left! Rey wins. Good Rumble. Nothing great, but mostly fun outside of one rather dull period around #15 to #25. ***14.

Malenko, Benoit and Chavo all celebrate with Rey for winning the RR for Eddie. They look happy on the outside, but inside are all thinking “why Rey? We were all much closer to Eddie than he was!”. Edge interrupts and doesn’t say anything worth mentioning.

Match 5 – Edge Vs John Cena – It’s time for the WWE Title match. Edge won it 3 weeks ago at NYR by cashing in MITB for the first time ever. The reaction from the fans was incredible. The Raw the night after and his live sex celebration with Lita garnered the highest rating for a Raw show in a LONG time. He was OVER. Mega fucking OVER. Fans were sick of Cena pretty much since he got drafted to Raw. Christian and Jericho were getting cheered over him in their feud. Then Jericho again in their singles feud. Then Angle in their feud. Then pretty much everyone in the Chamber match. And then Edge blew them all away by being the hottest thing for a LONG time. So what do WWE do? GIVE CENA THE TITLE BACK 3 WEEKS LATER. Momentum: KILLED. Took another couple of months and help from Foley to make Edge seem like a somebody again. Fuck me lol, this have this big moment before the match where a huge ramp is lowered down, then big pyro and… JOHN CENA ENTRANCE. Shouldn’t EDGE have gotten the big entrance? Nah, WWE as always were favouring Cena. The writing really was on the wall from the get go. Oh yeah this match sucks balls. Cena wins the title back after making Edge look shit for most of the match. Hate everything about this. DUD.

Todd whatshisname tries to interview Edge but he’s pissed off and leaves. Lita starts to talk but Hacksaw randomly shows up to call her a HOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What a pointless cameo lol.

Match 6 – Kurt Angle Vs Mark Henry – Sadly, this isn’t the Hall of Pain Henry. And unfortunately it’s Kurt Angle post 2003 when he just became the “machine” who would throw moves around for no reason, hit finishers so many times it’s kinda wrong to refer to them as finishers. This was destined to suck. And hey, guess what? IT DOES. Best part of this is after the match when Undertaker shows up in a horse and cart and destroys the ring with Angle in hit, signifying that he’s coming for the title. DUD.

2005 Royal Rumble

Match 1 – Edge Vs Shawn Michaels – Nice story behind this match. Edge returned in 04, was getting booed despite being a babyface and whatnot. He slowly starts to get pissed off by it, then the shit hits the fan at Taboo Tuesday when fans voted for HBK over him to face HHH for the WHC. Then at NYR inside the elimination chamber, HBK was the referee and superkicked Edge (after Edge attacked him I think) and counted the 3 to eliminate him. So Edge feels that the fans turned on him AND HBK screwed him out of the title twice, so he wants revenge. After all the build it’s a shame this one was never really viewed as a BIG match, though it probably should have been. Being at the RR doesn’t help either as I never really see it as being the PPV for big grudge matches, or at least I haven’t since something like 2002 onwards. Edge does a pretty great job controlling the match. He’s got the crazy edge to him, but not the “spasm in the corner” kind of crazy he would get to that was terrible. I like how he uses HBK’s hair to counter a HBK comeback, then just because he’s a bit of a prick, he uses the hair about 4 times in a row to aid him in hitting moves though he didn’t need to. Then he mocks HBK’s pose. Shawn’s comeback is… pretty poor tbh. But Edge puts a stop to it with a SPEAR on the floor. Follows it up with a SPEAR in the ring… and HBK kicks out lol. Edge’s gets a little more crazy and tries for a high risk move, a superplex, but HBK knocks him off the ropes, lands the elbow, then begins to set up Sweet Chin Music! COUNTER INTO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR. EDUCATION! I miss that submission hold. Remember in like 02-03 and a bunch of guys on SD started using new submission holds? Edge with the Education, Brock with the BROCK LOCK and Eddie with the Lasso from El Paso? Those were awesome. Plus you already had Benoit with the Crossface and Angle with the Ankle Lock. Basically any of the top or high mid card guys had multiple ways to win and it really helped get over the awesome “competition” period on SD at the time. Edge wins using the ropes for leverage. Good match. ***1/4.

Bischoff and Long backstage with a tumbler so wrestlers can draw their own numbers. Flair and Guerrero draw their numbers. Flair is dancing for job at his, Eddie looks horrified. So he steals Flairs! He shows his number off, and they are baffled as to why he is so excited! GUERRERO STOLE MY NUMBER!

Heidenreich backstage talking about how he hates caskets. Gene Snitsky shows up. He doesn’t like caskets either. But they like each other.

Match 2 – The Undertaker Vs Heidenreich – Casket match time! Heidenreich has screwed Undertaker out of the title on a couple of occasions, and they had a legit GREAT match at Survivor Series where Undertaker put over Heidenreich in a huge way. Now it’s time to settle their feud in Undertaker’s signature match. Well one of them anyway. Heidenreich isn’t afraid of Undertaker, but he IS afraid of caskets (as is all of Undertaker’s opponents lol). Undertaker uses basic holds like an arm bar and a headlock, and he keeps edging Heidenreich over to the casket just to mess with his mind. Awesome stuff. Credit to Heidenreich too for playing his part really well. Heidenreich throws some pretty good punches, similar style to Undertaker. He pummels Undertaker in the corner then talks shit to him, then tries to throw another punch, but Undertaker catches the arm and counters with a TRIANGLE CHOKE. Fuck yeah, awesome shit. Heidenreich is fading… and Snitsky shows up! Double team time. They begin to drag Undertaker to the casket, the referees open it up… and it’s KANE! KANE IS IN THE CASKET! He’s feuding with Snitsky so it makes sense… though he and Undertaker never exactly made up lol. Kane and Snitsky take their fight to the crowd and then backstage, leaving Undertaker to continue this match one on one. I remember the rumours of a tag match at WM to end these two feuds. Thankfully we didn’t get it. Not that I necessarily think it would have sucked, but because we got the incredible Undertaker/Orton match and Kane did one hell of a job in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. LMAO at the spot where Heidenreich runs the casket into The Undertaker. Undertaker is pretty much UNDER THE RING and the casket just bounces off the ring apron. LMAO at Undertaker trying to punch Heidenreich in the fact while he’s in the casket. Ends up decking the middle rope the first time. HOLY SHIT, apron legdrop to Heidenreich, with Heidenreich’s head trapped in the casket! Just like Survivor Series, Heidenreich takes all of this punishment and STILL comes back. Whips Undertaker into the turnbuckle and the sound its makes made me think they broke part of the ring lol. Man, Heidenreich looked REALLY GOOD in these matches with ‘Taker. Sure, he’s in there with one of THE best ever, but he did his part for sure and he did it real well. Shame Heidenreich never went anywhere after this, and looked terrible with everything he did. Undertaker of course wins. Great match, surprised even me because I never thought this was particularly good. ***1/2.

Backstage again, and Teddy is trying to get Eddie to give back Flair’s number. Evolution show up to get it back. Eddie reluctantly gives it back… but turns out he still has his wallet too lol. TENSION between HHH and Batista. This feud was really fucking well done.

Christian getting ready to pick his number. He’s trying to get Bischoff to reveal some people’s numbers. Teddy Long gets back and Christian mentions how he just signed a petition to get him kicked off Raw! Cena shows up for his number. The beginning to their feud that would kinda happen after WM but not quite because they threw Jericho into it and made it all about those two. CHRISTIAN RAPS.

Match 3 – JBL Vs Kurt Angle Vs The Big Show – Triple threat match for the WWE title! JBL and Angle selling injures from their LMS match on SD just 3 days ago. I should look that match up, don’t remember anything about it. Show and JBL start the match, and with JBL hurt Big Show can dominate him, all the while Angle who is also hurt stands on the outside and watches on before making his move to prevent a possible pin. Fun “Big Show Vs The World” stuff early on as he’s the freshest man, making him the biggest threat for the title. Show attempts to Chokeslam JBL from the steel steps through the announce table, but Angle hits a low blow, then nails the giant with a monitor and Show falls back through the table himself! Now Angle and JBL can fight one on one and continue their match from SD and not have to worry about the 7ft monster for the time being. Show eventually gets back into this thing and he’s PISSED. Guy looks unstoppable, until Angle clips his knee while JBL lands a Clothesline from Hell! Even then he’s back up to his feet moments later, only to get Angle Slammed. BIG SHOW DRIVING BRADSHAW THROUGH THE BARRICADE! JBL is pretty much dead. Show just has to finish off Angle and he’ll be the NEW champion! THE CABINET show up to check on JBL, while Angle’s boys show up to take out Big Show. While all this is going on, JBL lands a Clothesline from Hell on Angle and survives with his WWE Title! This is a TON of fun. Always loved it. Nothing has changed. One of the great triple threat matches. ***3/4.

Carlito wants Batista to sign the petition to get rid of Teddy Long. He isn’t going to sign it, so Carlito teases spitting in his face. Batista threatens him and he swallows for a change haha. Batista continues to pick his number, while Bischoff and Teddy argue about shit. Bischoff bans Evolution from ringside for the WHC match so the Raw title match isn’t a mess of interference like SD’s!

Match 4 – Triple H Vs Randy Orton – WHC match. Urgh, not looking forward to this. HHH and Orton just have dreadful chemistry bad like, 2 matches. RKO COUNTERED. HHH counters it by sending him over the ropes. Orton thanks his lucky stars that his shoulder didn’t crumble. Trips goes after the shoulder following that move, by driving Orton into the steel steps. Then in the ring he goes after the knee. Odd that he switches up like that, but Orton apparently hurt the knee on Raw and has it taped up so HHH is just being the “cerebral assassin” and targeting the injured body part. LOL sign guy didn’t think this match was worth seeing, so he went for beer. So far I’ve been pleasantly surprised with this one. HHH has been good working over the legs, and Orton sold well and made a sweet comeback at one point with some great punches in the corner. His selling is dodgy though as he seems to mostly ignore his bad knee during said comeback. Orton gets his lip busted open from a sweeeeeet high knee. HHH keeps avoiding the RKO. Some more great punches form Orton. HHH sells them awesomely. HHH blocks a DDT and Orton goes CRASHING to the mat, and thus begins the “out of it” part of the match for Orton, and THIS is how I remember the match. Didn’t think there was so much stuff BEFORE it lol. Which makes me wonder how long is left and if it’s going to reaaaallly drag on. Time for THE GAME to slowly work over the head of his former Evolution team mate. The ref is down so HHH slowly goes for the sledgehammer, but gets sent face first into the ring post instead. Ha. Trips tries to use it again but notices the ref is stirring so he gets rid of it just in case. PEDIGREE instead. Orton is done. Huh, this match was… VERY DIFFERENT to how I remembered it. Did they have a Raw match like a week or two after this? If so maybe I remembered that match. Anywho, I thought this was great. Second best match these two ever had, not that that’s saying much lol. ***3/4.

Kurt Angle steals Nunzio’s number for the RR. Why didn’t Nunzio go tell Teddy Long about it? Speaking of, Long and Bischoff talking backstage again, this time about how good the Raw title match was. Long agrees and says it gave him a great idea. JBL and the Cabinet bust into the room celebrating, and Long informs him that at No Way Out, he’ll be defending the title against Big Show in the first ever BARBED WIRE STEEL CAGE MATCH! WHAT’S HE GONNA DO? EAT ME? I’M A WRESTLING GOD. I’M A GOD. I’M A WRESTLING GOD.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is Eddie Guerrero, the man who last year won Smackdown’s RR match to determine the #1 contender for NWO against Lesnar, where he WON the title! #2 is… Christ Benoit who won the RR last year from the #1 position and went on to WM to WIN the WHC! DANIEL PUDER. Tough Enough winner. He didn’t even live up to the likes of MAVEN. He basically gets set up by being in the ring against veterans who take RESPECT OF THE BUSINESS very seriously, and he gets knife edged chopped to SHIT from Benoit, Guerrero and then Hardcore Holly lol. Man, if only TAZZ could have been part of this match too lol. Eddie and Benoit work together to eliminate a few people, but at the same time try to take cheap shots with each other in an attempt to eliminate the other as well lol. DAT TILTAWHIRL BACKBREAKER ON REY BY EDDIE. Lol, Tazz thinks Booker T and HHH main evented WM last year. He’s already forgetting BENOIT. TAZZ SEES THE FUTURE! Bischoff and Long show up at ringside to cheer their guys on. Nice stuff all night between the two, putting over the brand extension and competition between the two, without getting into petty insults and shit. 4 Raw guys and 4 SD guys end up in the ring at the same time and they do the old Brand Split battle which is a cool moment. Then Muhammad Hassan comes out and both sides join forces to beat the crap out of him and eliminate him. HATERS. LOL SCOTTY 2 HOTTY continues his RR curse as he gets attacked by Hassan on his way to the ring. Ring starts to fill up with a bunch of nobodies. Eddie gets eliminated. Then HBK comes in and get rid of some of the trash. LMAO at Edge chasing after Rey, and Rey keeps escaping by rolling away or crawling through his legs. Edge gives up. ANGLE! SUPERKICK! NO MORE ANGLE! More jobbers enter. Angle returns and eliminates HBK then processed to beat him up. Beginning of their great feud leading into WM. LONDON AND SNITSKY. GOAT ELIMINATION? Good GOD at the pop for Batista. Batista and Cena the final 2. 1994 RR flashbacks. Vince tears both quads just to tell them to restart the match. BATISTA wins. Good Rumble, and like most things on this show, better than I remembered. ***3/4.