Edge. Hardy. Cage. Blood. Violence. LITA. FAP.
Ric Flair Vs Carlito – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Old Lion Vs Young Lion. The Young Lion is trying to use his youth and quickness to his advantage, while the Old Lion tries to rely on what kept him leader of the pack for so many years. And when you have chops that’ll rip nipples off and thumbs that adore poking out eyes, then even an Old Lion stands a chance!
Flair chops a bunch of times, Carlito does… whatever the fuck he does to control a match and make me wanna sleep and then… omg… and then it happens.
FLAIR GOES TO THE ROPES AND DOESN’T GET THROWN OFF!!! YEY!!!
He tries again and ends up getting dropkicked .
Carlito grabs an apple, takes a bite and… FLAIR PUNCHES HIM IN THE MOUTH! CARLITO IS CHOKING ON APPLE! FIGURE FOUR! TAP OUT!
THE NATURE BOY RIC FLAIR IS THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!!!
Flair was super fun, Carlito was super shit.
Flair drags some whores out of the crowd to celebrate with.
CAL SCALE – 0
FAP FAP LITA is backstage and wants to make Edge happy.
Torrie Wilson & Victoria Vs Trish Stratus & Ashley
remember WWE’s version of the Beautiful People? Torrie (and that stupid little dog), Victoria and Candice Michelle. At least they were actually hot, unlike most of TNA’s Beautiful People (one specifically… urgh)
CAL SCALE – -1
The Big Show Vs Snitsky
potential for a monster battle here.
ZZ TOP IN THE AUDIENCE~!
Lol, they try to show us what happened a few weeks ago but Show jumps the gun and charges at Snitsky so they have to cut off the video and go back to live action .
when Snitsky locks in a rest hold they actually cut to the video from 3 weeks ago so we can finally see the shots to Show with the ring bell. FUCK REST HOLDS LETS SHOW VIOLENCE!!!
BACK SUPLEX TO THE BIG SHOW~!
CHOKESLAM~! And it’s over with.
Fairly short, but a fun battle between these two big dudes.
After the match Show levels Snitsky with the ring bell for some revenge. He’s about to leave but remembers Snitsky hit him TWICE, so he needs to get another shot in too lol.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Shelton Benjamin Vs Kerwin White
oh man, Kerwin White.
CAL SCALE – -1
Matt Hardy Vs Edge – Steel Cage Match
I’ve been waiting for this one .
Matt throws some fucking AMAZING punches early on. They make one hell of a sound too.
Hardy is determined to destroy Edge inside the cage, while Edge is all about simply trying to win and ESCAPE.
Sweet counter out of the Twist of Fate, as Edge shoves Hardy right into the steel cage, and fuck me Matt takes one hell of a bump into it lol. And now Edge can continue what he started at SummerSlam, and focus in on the head of Matt.
Why did Edge never wrestle like this on a regular basis? He’s actually really fucking good at trying to smash Hardy’s head in worse than that time in Game of Thrones with you know who and whatshisname (NO SPOILERS HERE, YOU ARE WELCOME).
Hardy is super awesome at selling his head injury too. He looks out of it, he’s out on his feet, throwing punches at nobody etc. Great stuff.
OH SHIT at that powerbomb into the side of the cage. Hardy’s head catches on the top rope on the way down too. Shiiiit. That HAD to fuck him up a bit.
The longer the match goes on, the more confident Edge gets that hell, he might ACTUALLY be able to take Matt out for good. So escape is no longer an option. Sheer DESTRUCTION of Matt Hardy is all that’s on his mind.
POWERBOMB OFF THE TOP ROPE~! at the fans reaction. Two teenagers or something (MALE, Cody…) both cringe like it was the most horrific thing ever .
MATT HARDY WILL NOT DIE!!! He kicks out, then proceeds to BITE the hands of Edge!!!
Almost a call back spot to SummerSlam with Matt dropping Edge head first down onto the turnbuckle, only here it’s the turnbuckle cover and not the ring post, but it’s enough to knock Edge a little loopy!
Edge perhaps realises that Hardy WILL NOT DIE for real, and decides he needs to escape this time.
HARDY COMEBACK~! Edge is tied up in the ropes and Matt is unloading lefts and rights all over his face!!!
EDGE IS BLEEDING~! Damn, I actually just realised that all the offence to Matt’s head in the match DIDN’T bust him open. So when Matt makes EDGE bleed it really puts over the whole REVENGE~! part for me.
Matt begins to target the head of Edge now, but he wants to come off the ropes with the MITB briefcase (that Lita sent into the ring earlier), and that costs him when Edge pushes the referee into the ropes.
SPEAR INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE~!
Edge tries to escape and… SIDE EFFECT OFF THE TOP ROPE~!
Lita (looking VERY Fap Fap btw) tries to send a chair into the ring too, but the referee takes it away… so he dives into the cage herself to break up a potential 3 count!
TWIST OF FATE TO LITA~!
HAHAHAHAHA SPEAR TO MATT RIGHT AFTERWARDS. DON’T YOU FUCKING TOUCH LITA YOU PRICK!!!
Edge again tries to escape, but ends up getting his face smashed into the cage a bunch of times. Matt climbs the cage and…
That looked spectacular.
MATT HARDY WINS~!
This is tremendous. Fuck me, a year with 2 epic, EPIC cage matches on PPV. Insane. Right up there with Flair/HHH for sure. Christ knows which I think is better. This? No. HHH/Flair? No. Maybe. I DON’T KNOW. They both rule.
CAL SCALE – 8
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch Vs The Hurricane & Rosey – World Tag Team Championship Match
Murdoch has an awesome look for wrestling. Fuck the “office” in WWE who just want 6’5 270lb guys with bodies like Arnold Swashinager.. Swarshinegger… that dude that played The Terminator.
Anyway, yeah, Murdoch has a great look. He’s a little podgy but can move around and looks mean and nasty and legit seems like a dude you wouldn’t wanna have a bar fight with.
love him trying to come on to Lillian Garcia mid-match. But it was all a plan to make Hurricane come off the apron and get him, leading to a fucking sick DDT from the corner of the ring onto the floor . And of course this now leads the S.H.I.T. all alone!
Rosey tries to fight off 2 opponents by himself, and does ok for a little while. Hurricane is being carried out, and sees his partner in trouble on the titantron, and comes back down to help! He tags in and just starts throwing a right hand at everyone because his left arm is dead.
SWEET N SOUR~!
NEW TAG CHAMPIONS!!!
CAL SCALE – 1
Maria wants to know why people call Chris Masters the MASTURBATE . Then she starts signing the TMNT theme song. Maria was awesome.
Chris Masters Vs Shawn Michaels
Masters attacks HBK before the bell and applies the Master Lock!!! The bell rings and Masters goes for it again, but Shawn is ready for it now and manages to escape before it’s locked in, and begins to get a little revenge on the young punk for that quick start!
Man, Shawn is PISSED lol. He’s out to destroy Masters for daring to attack him before the bell it seems. Sends him into the steel steps a few times, then goes for a chair! But the referee takes it away, allowing Masters to take advantage.
POWERBOMB INTO THE RING POST. TWICE. HBK’S BACK IS FUCKED!!!
Back work by Masters . Some great clubbing blows, elbows and knees. Simple, but looks great. Masters’ first run in WWE outside of this match really wasn’t very good, but you could see the potential he had to be as great as he ended up being when he returned, and this is probably THE match to see that potential.
Anyone else love when guys do a backbreaker then hold their opponent on their knee and push them down onto it? One of my favourite submissions for back work tbh.
Fuck me what a sick clothesline to cut off HBK .
BATTLE TO LOCK IN THE MASTERLOCK~! HBK grabs the referee, then low blows Masters!!! The veteran certainly knows what he’s doing!
Shawn starts his comeback and ignores all the fucking back work which pisses me off to no end lol.
SWEET CHIN MASTER LOCK! Masters countered the superkick right into a Master Lock!!!
HBK tries to do the old “push off the ropes and roll the guy up” spot but Masters is too strong and doesn’t fall back. Shawn is fading, but the fans bring him back into the match, and this time instead of trying to push off the ropes, he climbs OVER them, putting himself in the ropes so Masters has to release the hold!!! Now that was fucking SMART and awesome.
Great little sequence at the end right into a superkick, and Shawn Michaels picks up the win!
Other than Shawn ignoring the back work during his main comeback, this was great. Masters looked awesome. And the match should have been better, but HBK actually fucked up. Bah. SELL THE BACK YOU TWAT.
CAL SCALE – 3
Flair takes a FLAIR BUMP from shagging 4 women during the PPV.
John Cena Vs Kurt Angle – WWE Championship Match
at Lawler trying to sound all smart and shit, by asking if either JR or Coach could remember who Cena’s debut match in WWE was against. Without missing a beat JR quickly answers “Angle” and Lawler is just SILENT . As if JIM FUCKING ROSS wouldn’t know that .
So Angle out-wrestles Cena at the start. Cena tries to turn it into a brawl. Then Angle starts throwing out suplexes. You know the deal if you’ve seen any match they’ve had lol.
I like how Cena comes into this match with a “bad” ankle, and it’s all taped up and shit, and Angle clearly looks at it before the bells rings… then doesn’t do a damn thing with the ankle until like 15 minutes into the match when he randomly goes for an Ankle Lock… but Cena kicks him off so he decides against going back to it until his Angle Slam fails him AS USUAL .
at Cena hopping on one leg for the 5 knuckle shuffle. On one hand I’m happy he’s selling the ankle… but on the other hand I find it unbelievably fucking stupid he tried to do that move on one leg .
F-U~! Oh but look the referee is down.
PUNCH TO THE FACE WITH THE GOLD MEDAL .
BISCHOFF SHOWS UP AND… shoves the WWE title in Cena’s face and tells him to say goodbye lol.
Bischoff tries to pull a screwjob on Cena, but Cena shoves Angle off and Bischoff takes the worst bump through the ropes ever.
WWE TITLE TO THE FACE~! the referee saw it and Cena is DQ’d .
Giant load of MEH.
CAL SCALE – 0
Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5