Category: Written Reviews

1998 Royal Rumble

First PPV in 1998, following a number of incidents in 97 that were starting to gain the company momentum.

Match 1 – Vader Vs The Artist Formally Known as Goldust – Ever need proof that Vince Russo is NOT a creative genius, look no further than the massacre of the Goldust character (one that Russo himself had a HUGE hand in btw…). Shitty gimmicks aside, on paper this should be great. Dustin is great, Vader is great, they’ve had great matches in the past back in WCW. Then again… Dustin was having problems at this time which affected his work, and Vader was never allowed to be VADER in the WWF. That and the heel/face roles are reversed. Goldust takes what might be the worst steel ring steps bump I have ever witnessed. Goldust kisses Vader, so Vader clotheslines him straight, or at least attempts to. Finish sees Vader hitting a Vader Bomb with Luna on his back. Not as bad as I remember, but has nothing on their WCW matches. **.

Austin arrives, ignore Michael Cole. Godwins… or Southern Justice I think they go by now(?) chase after Austin, who is a marked man. Whoever stops him winning the RR or something gets money.

SUNNY. Short shorts. Nice. As a ginger, being out in the sun for too long isn’t the best thing, but I’d happily risk getting burnt to spend some time in Sunny. Too much information? Tough!

Match 2 – 3 Minis Vs 3 Other Minis – Not sure if a match or Jerry Lawler challenge for most bad midget jokes… either that or an excuse to put Sunny in shorts. I choose to believe the shorts thing. Match is filled with arm drags and head scissors. Then the babyface minis win. 1/4*.

Backstage and the Nation of Domination are looking for Austin too. They decide to send in Mark Henry first so he can prove himself. They charge into his locker room and find a giant foam middle finger in a chair waiting for them. Mike Tyson is sat watching the event in a skybox with Vince and Shane.

Rock getting interviewed before his IC title defence. They show footage of the free for all show where all the NOD members argue over who will eliminate Austin. Nothing worth mentioning from Rock’s promo. No surprise there.

Match 3 – The Rock Vs Ken Shamrock – Intercontinental title is on the line here. Not too much to say here other than its actually a good match. Shamrock looks like a competent pro wrestler, and Rock isn’t nearly as annoying and shitty in the ring as he would later become. Though he does rake the eyes of Shamrock about 20 times because apparently he doesn’t know any other heel ways of stopping the momentum of his opponents. D-Lo and Kama show up and get knocked on their arses… well… D-Lo gets his leg caught in the ropes for about a minute lol. Rock uses some brass knucks, Shamrock kicks out and no sells, hitting a Belly to Belly to win the IC title! Until Rock tells the ref he got hit with knucks, and the ref checks Shamrock and finds them on him, and reverses the decision. Had to rewind to see how they got there, turns out Rock put them there after he used them. I quite liked that idea. Rock can’t get caught with them if they are in his opponents crotch region, and should things go wrong (like Shamrock kicking out), he has a great way to cheat his way out of a loss. ***1/4.

Backstage, Shamrock attacks The Rock in the locker room. Los Boricuas are also backstage and now looking for Austin too. They attack some bald guy and it turns out to be someone from the DOA who brawl with Los Boricuas. Fuck, how many stables did WWF have back then? And how many were actually good? Too many and not enough is the answer.

Match 4 – Legion of Doom Vs New Age Outlaws – Tag titles on the line now. LOD want to MURDER the Outlaws following a vicious beating a while back which resulted in Hawk’s legendary Mohawk being cut, and Animal powerbombed through the announce table. Animal walks to the ring like he’s shit himself. Wow, NWA and AWA mention. Outlaws get the shit kicked out of them in the early going. Road Dogg’s mouth is busted open. Oh wow, Hawk applies an STF that looks worse than Cena’s. Seriously! After some heel tactics the Outlaws gain control, and Road Dogg gets revenge for being busted open by literally kicking Animal while he’s down. Repeatedly lol. Then Hawk gets pissed off and starts manhandling the tag champs until he goes shoulder first into the ring post. Now BOTH of LOD are down and hurting! So what do the Outlaws do? Handcuff Hawk to the ring post of course! I like how the ref doesn’t give a shit and just carries on refereeing the match like normal. Animal manages to hold his own for a little while and nearly wins the match, but Road Dogg cracks him in the back with a chair repeatedly and gets DQ’d. They really wear out Animal’s back, which I *think* was genuinely injured at this time, and Hawk finally breaks free to come to the aid of his partner. Match is nothing special but certainly fun. **1/2.

Mildred wins a pickup truck.

Match 5 – 30 man Royal Rumble Match – So Austin is the big focus of this match, with McMahon putting a bounty on his elimination. I wonder who will win… Anywho, CACTUS FUCKING JACK carrying weapons is the first entrant! All hail Mick Fucking Foley. And #2 is… TERRY FUCKING FUNK. All hail Terry Fucking Funk. Ok, so he’s Chainsaw Charlie here. Which means Funk carries a chainsaw around and puts a stocking over his head. Only Terry could do that and still remain the greatest thing ever. They destroy each other with chairs. Funk removes the stocking so Cactus can see its him under there. Because it’s the greatest disguise since Superman’s glasses. They both take turns at letting each other hit them with chairs. Crazy, awesome bastards.OMG ITS TOM BRANDY! TOM BRANDY! TOM BRANDY! He gets eliminated immediately. Damn, I put money on him to win. Rock is in next, and he went from looking good in his IC title match to looking fucking terrible here. Awful kicks, awful punches. Foley and Funk beat the shit out of him, but only knock him through the ropes rather than over dammit. JARRETT IS NOTHING BUT A BACK JUMPER. His man boobs must be freezing. Ahh Kurgan. The Great Khali of his time. Tall and useless, comes in as a big unstoppable monster, then becomes a dancing joke. If Andre’s body didn’t let him down in his later years, I wonder if he would have been “getting down with it” at some point… MANKIND. Didn’t Foley already enter? Yes he did! Which makes this whole thing awesome. Don’t remember when he got eliminated though haha. He eliminates Funk, who eliminated Cactus… at some point. Goldust (in a new outfit) eliminates Mankind. I’m sad. If only some dude could cheer me up. Jarrett gets the biggest pop of his career… when Owen Hart eliminates him. Honky Tonk Man? Uhhhh ok. HHH and Chyna follow him out, and distract Owen Hart, hit him with a crutch (HHH was on crutches at this time), and eliminate him. DX really didn’t like the Hart family. LMFAO they show Owen run after HHH through the curtain… and he falls over. And Lawler acknowledges it. Ahmed Johnson comes out, and JR mentions that he’s had numerous injuries but he’s 100% now. He barely manages to slide in the ring and stand up. Looks fat and out of shape. Not as bad as his BIG T days in WCW though. Austin finally shows up, and everyone stops fighting each other and turns to the entrance way to meet him. He comes from behind, eliminates a few people… and everyone else IGNORES HIM. They built up the fact that EVERYONE is out to get him all through the PPV. Then when he comes out nobody gives a shit. Good job guys! THE ROCK AND KAMA, JUST WAILING ON EACH OTHER’S NOB HERE. JR is coming out with some funny shit lol. DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE LOVE! DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE LOVE! Austin wins. Christ this match seemed to last forever. Wiki claims its 55 minutes, but it could be wrong. Felt like 2 hours. Not the worst Rumble match by any means, but honestly the only highlights are Cactus and Funk battling at the start, then Foley entering the match 2 more times as Mankind and Dude Love. **3/4.

COLD STONE IS MY MAN! Mike Tyson can’t even say the name of his favourite wrestler.

Match 6 – Shawn Michaels Vs The Undertaker – WWF Title Casket Match time! Good god what a build up video package for this match. If only the AE was more like this… and less like the utter shite we mostly got (SWERVE~! TRANNY~! CHOPPY CHOPPY YOUR PEE PEE~! SWERVE~! MAKES NO SENSE~! SWERVE~! SWERVE~! SWERVE~! NO SENSE~! NO LOGIC~! SWERVE SWERVE SWERVE~!). Great display of power from Undertaker early on and then…. CRACK. Bye bye HBK’s back. See you in 4 years. Crazy that he didn’t feel anything until the day after. Kinda hard to watch him take all those back bumps afterwards when you know what happened to him lol. But I’m still able to watch and love this match regardless lol. They mention that Undertaker has only lost 1 casket match, to Yoko at the RR in 94. Uhhh… didn’t he lose to Goldust in 96? Man I love that piledriver on the steel steps. Did HBK do it to anyone else other than Undertaker and then Cena in 07? Undertaker pretty much has the match won and then… New Age Outlaws + Job Squa… no, Los Boricuas, show up to beat the hell out of him. Cue KANE to make the save… and then its SWERVE~! time. Undertaker loses, then gets locked in the casket, and then MY GOD THE CASKET’S ON FIRE! THE CASKET IS ON FIRE! UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET AND ITS ON FIRE! Home Video exclusive shows the fire being put out… and NO UNDERTAKER inside! Where could he be? Yeah this rules. ****.

1997 Royal Rumble

Still remember the day I bought this on VHS lol.

Match 1 – Hunter Heart-Helmsley Vs Goldust – IC title match. Build up video sees Lawler ask Goldust if he’s queer. He says no and decks Lawler. I guess all that molesting men thing was just experimentation, right? LOL. HHH has Mr Hughes randomly with him. Brawl early on, and Goldust uses the ring steps and the ref doesn’t DQ him. Oh, it’s Earl “I make up my own damn rules” Hebner. Match is pretty dull. So much so they have Todd Pettengill interview someone in the audience. Felt like it lasted an hour. *.

RR interviews. Bret is determined to win. Mankind just wants to beat people up.

Match 2 – Farooq Vs Ahmed Johnson – Who WERE all those people in the original NOD? There were like 20 of them and only Farooq and Crush were wrestlers. JUOR GUING DURN. Gotta love Ahmed’s promo ability. Or general speaking ability. His wrestling ability is on par too. This match has been brewing for a long time according to Vince. Speaking of brewing for a long time, I need to toilet. And I’m back. Is this match No DQ? Because Ahmed used a chair while the ref was right there. Then again, the ref took it away so it must be illegal. What the fuck does it take to cause a DQ? All the NOD members piling into the ring and getting their arses kicked, apparently. BAD. 1/2*.

Match 3 – Vader Vs The Undertaker – Ahhh, two of my favourites (one being my all time fav of course), beating the fuck out of each other. Given some of the shit I’ve watched so far today (Impact and SD, first 2 matches of this show), I’m hoping to just get ANY kind of enjoyment out of a match. Vader and ‘Taker smashing each other in the face should do it. Some fun offence from both men… and Todd interviews some random fan who follows HBK across the country or something. She saved up money from babysitting. How many fucking babysitting jobs did she take to be able to follow HBK around? And why did we need to know about that? In the middle of a match? Not often you see Undertaker powerbombed. Or Vader powerslammed while jumping off the ropes. Fans are horrible, usually only making noise when a big move is hit. PAUL BEARER. JR: I see Paul Bearer!. Vince: I don’t see him THERE HE IS. Bearer cracks the Urn over Undertaker’s head, Vader hits the Vader Bomb from the corner and this one is over! Solid match, nothing too special though. Vader 93 Vs Undertaker 07 would be epic though. ***.

Austin RR interview. YOU TV GUYS ALWAYS GOT THE CAMERA WHERE YOU DON’T BELONG. LMFAO, it’s Bulldog. BECAUSE I’M BAZAAR.

Match 4 – Héctor Garza, Perro Aguayo & El Canek Vs Jerry Estrada, Heavy Metal & Fuerza Guerrera – They’re in Texas, so they decide to throw in a random Mexican 6 man match. Wow this fucking SUCKED. I actually used to think very highly of this match. I must have been high. Except I don’t get high. So I was drunk. That’s it. 2 guys flip about. Slowly and with little shit given. They each tag out. Repeat the flipping about slowly while not giving a shit. Tag out. They do that a few times, then someone randomly gets a win. The fans are silent until the match ends. They cheer because they are glad it’s over. DUD.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is none other than the awesome, the legendary, the amazing, the one and only… CRUSH. Maybe #2 will be good. It’s Ahmed Johnson.  BOTCH TIME. FAKE RAZOR. He doesn’t even get entrance music lol. He gets eliminated in seconds anyway. Johnson eliminates himself. Because he’s retarded. He sees Farooq and chases after him. Hey Ahmed, you could have gone UNDER the ropes and chased him still. Then come back later to possibly win the match. Oh well. I’m 16 years too late in telling him. LMAO, they have clock problems so nobody knows when someone is gonna enter. Austin is #4. He’s pretty badass here. I liked Austin’s character around this time, more so than in 98/99/00/01 when he was the uber popular babyface. BRITISH BULLDOG. HE’S GONNA WIN BECAUSE HE’S BAZAAR. Ring fills up. Half WWF guys, half AAA guys (that nobody gives a fuck about). Austin clears the ring. Bret’s music hits and Austin looks terrified. Lawler’s music hits. He says “it takes a King”, then gets in the ring, gets knocked out straight away, returns to the announce table “to know a King” and pretends that he never even entered lol. FUNK. MANKIND. FAKE DIESEL AKA KANE. 2 Cold FLASH FUNK. A young Rock. So mostly great talent in the ring lol. IT’S FUCKING VADER TIME BITCHES. GOAT #30… The Undertaker of course! Poor Fake Diesel is just stood in the corner minding his own business when Undertaker punches him in the face. So next year he comes back and sets a casket on fire with Undertaker in it. Austin wins despite being thrown out by Bret, but the refs didn’t see it. Fake Diesel is in the final four, but for some reason is excluded from the FINAL FOUR match at the next PPV. No wonder he went around setting people on fire a year later! First half of this match is pretty shitty, second half is really good. ***

Match 6 – Shawn Michaels Vs Sid – WWF Title time. HBK’s home town. Or state. Whatever. Fans still chant for SID. Take that, boy toy. Sid gets too much hate. He’s good. He knows how to draw heat, he knows how to get fans to cheer him, and he knows wrestling psychology. Nice back work from Sid, which will aid him when it comes to the POWERBOMB. He even uses a bear hug and I’m NOT pissed off. That’s a feat in itself. Oh and Sid has great facials too. LMAO at HBK’s parents sat watching looking bored shitless. His mum looks like “oh shit, did I leave the oven on?” and his dad is like “hmmm… I wonder how being bazaar was really going to help Bulldog win the RR…”. POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR. Shawn practically no sells it. Chokeslam. Sid should have won but the ref was down. Bah. Camera to the back of Sid as revenge for Survivor Series, followed by SWEET CHIN MUSIC (minus the awesome call from Vince like we got at SS). New champ. Good match, enjoyable. **3/4.

1995 Royal Rumble

The first PPV of what is normally considered the WORST year in WWF/E history! However, my memory screams that this is a pretty good even for the most part at least! Yey. Starts off with Pamela Anderson getting out of a limo and all the wrestlers hitting on her.

Match 1 – Jeff Jarrett Vs Razor Ramon – IC title match! Razor’s punches are pretty awesome. Did I mention that yesterday? If I didn’t I should have because I thought it. Jarrett was perfect in this position on the card. Mid carder having matches with good talent who could go through him to the main event. He himself is NOT a main eventer. Booking himself as a main eventer in TNA doesn’t make him one. Sure, a number of wrestlers in the old days booked themselves as top guy, but guess what? They drew. Jeff didn’t. There was that time in WCW too, but the company was dying anyway and Russo was in love with him or something (anyone seen his second RF shoot interview? He talks about how it’s impossible NOT to love Jeff because of his long blond hair, big smile and charm…). And he still didn’t draw shit lol. So after a bunch of fun sequences of Razor outsmarting Jarrett, Jarrett getting mad then cheating and acting like he’s the greatest thing ever when he manages to get one over on Razor… The Roadie clips Razor’s knee on the outside and gets him counted out. That means he keeps the title! Jarrett gets a mic and calls Razor a coward and tricks him into restarting the match. With his knee being fucked, it’s only a matter of time before Jarrett get the win and the IC belt. Good stuff. ***1/2.

Match 2 – I.R.S. Vs The Undertaker – Urgh. Not sure even I can sit through this as like, the world’s biggest Undertaker fan lol. It’s slow, plodding, dull, but it has its moments (thanks to Undertaker). Poor Undertaker would have to wait basically an entire year to finally get put in matches with guys who could be remotely entertaining. And when he was in that situation, he started putting on great matches and showing that he was more than the zombie character that we saw for so many years. *.

Match 3 – Bret Hart Vs Diesel – WWF Title is on the line in Diesel’s first title defence since winning the belt in an 8 second match in MSG against Bob Backlund. Both are faces, so they kinda do the whole “respect” thing at the start… then they implode pretty quickly and try to beat the fuck out of each other and I’m loving it. Bret Vs someone bigger than him = LEG WORK. But he’s really good at it so I’m not complaining. Diesel’s power comes into play allowing him to gain the advantage. Diesel manages to hit his powerbomb… and HBK runs in to break the count and attack Diesel. So it’s over, right? NOPE LOL. That would be the usual, traditional thing to do. Diesel gets attacked but somehow it is fair for the match to continue. Ha. Almost like the company don’t WANT Diesel to leave with the title. Except they do and they want him to keep it for almost a full year. LOL. So Diesel got attacked AND has a bad knee, Bret has bad ribs. Both men target those injuries and do a real nice job of it. Diesel punching the ribs of Bret while he’s in a figure four is pretty awesome. Bret uses a CHAIR on Diesel… but misses. Not sure if it was an intentional miss or not, but the ref doesn’t do anything (not that he would anyway apparently), and McMahon says it missed too. Owen attacks Bret. Match continues. LOL. Bret throwing massive punch after punch and finally taking down the giant is an awesome sequence. Bret fakes a knee injury and rolls up Diesel for a 2 count. WHAT A HERO BRET IS. That would be the actual finish to their match later in the year. Ref gets knocked out and a bunch of guys show up to attack BOTH men. This is too much now. Double DQ or No Contest or something lol. Awesome match, dumb finish. ****1/2.

Match 4 – 123-Kid & Bob Holly Vs Bam Bam Bigelow & Tatanka – Tag titles on the line. HBK and Diesel were champs but they broke up and the titles became vacant. Cue tournament. This be the finals. I mentioned the streak of great tag matches on RR events since it first started in 1988. Well this would be the last tag match worth seeing (from what I remember anyway) until 2000. SPARKY. Big tough Bob Holly and he gets stuck with Sparkplug aka SPARKY gimmick. LOL. HOLY SHIT! Bigelow throws Kid in the air and catches him for a powerbomb, which is awesome in iteself… but then Kid hits a hurricanrana! Such a shame the “kliq” didn’t like Bigelow because he’s a pretty great big man. Should have had a Henry/Rey SD 06 type match on PPV. That would have been epic. At least we got a great singles match with Bigelow and Kid which I think happened a week or so before this match. Bigelow puts on a tremendous performance in this match. He really is the star of the match and certainly his team. He’s great at cutting Holly off from making the tag and shit. Plus I love his offence which is a mix of power and high flying. OH YEAH, THERE’S TED’S FACE. Commentary cracks me up. THERE’S STILL A SPARK (get it) LEFT IN BOB HOLLY…andtatankastopsitwitharaketotheface. Vince is awesome. Big upset win and the Kid & Holly win the tag belts! This is an AWESOME tag match. Liked it more than on last watch too! Aftermath sees LT and Bigelow get into a pushing confrontation, and WM 11’s main event is set! ****.

Match 6 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – This match is only 5 minutes longer than the 1988 RR match… and that one had 20 guys instead of 30! Instead of 2 minutes or 90 seconds between entrants, this one is the only RR match to feature 60 second intervals. Guess they didn’t have faith in HBK lasting over an hour and winning from #1 that way haha. More likely is that the talent for the match is so thin they didn’t want to subject is to an hour of it. Plus, who the fuck would be excited at the end of each 2 minutes when we get the likes of Timothy Well and Tom Pritchard? LMAO at Mo charging into the ring like he’s gonna win… and he gets thrown out straight away by BUNDY. Then Mabel shows up to gain revenge. He eliminates Bundy in the slowest way possible. Takes Bundy like 10 seconds to touch the floor. Only one of Shawn Michaels’ feet hit the ground. He wins. And that is about all you need to know about this shite match. Worst RR so far. Soon to be the second. **.

1994 Royal Rumble

McMahon and DiBiase on commentary. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Match 1 – Tatanka Vs Bam Bam Bigelow – Why on earth was Tatanka undefeated for so long? Did he ever really get any kind of push? Bigelow has his MAIN SQUEEZE Luna with him. That’s how they announce her lol. God damn motherfucking BEAR HUG. Stop using this move people. STOP IT. It’s just murders any momentum you have going in the match. The fans could be loving what you are doing… right up until you lock in a Bear Hug and the fans just stop caring. Happened in Rock/Cena too (though a Bear Hug certainly wasn’t the only thing wrong with that pile of turd), and it was in Rock’s fucking home town or whatever. Aside from the Bear Hug spot though, this is good. Bigelow is a great big man, and while I don’t think Tatanka deserved the long undefeated streak or anything he was solid too and could pull out some good stuff. **1/2.

We see the history of the Hart Brothers and their issues that started back at the Survivor Series. Bret refuses to fight his own Brother. Guess Owen is gonna have to put him in a casket and set him on fire. Wait, I may be confusing this with another feud. They are friends now. Kinda. Tag match coming up.

Match 2 – Bret & Owen Hart Vs The Quebecers – RR seems to have a great history up to this point of really good tag matches. I think there has been at least one good one on each event so far. And I already know it continues here, and goes into 1995 as well. But that’s for 2morrow. This is today, and I can’t wait to re-watch this one. Ha, Raven is the manager of the Quebecers. Johnny Polo at this time. I *think* he’s supposed to be like some rich guy who golfs and shit. Fuck knows. Don’t care tbh. Though I do think Raven was at his best in that role lol. Never was a fan of the Raven character and always thought his promos were overrated to hell. Great back and forth action for about 10 minutes, then we transition into a full on FIP segment with Bret having his leg taken out and the Quebecers take full advantage. They work over the injured Bret, then Bret finds an opening… and decides to attempt a Sharpshooter rather than tag his brother! He can’t apply the hold, and the referee decides that Bret cannot continue, giving the match to the Quebecers. Owen is PISSED. Bret chose to try and win the match himself rather than tag in his brother. So Owen KICKS HIS LEG FROM OUT OF HIS LEG. That’ll teach him. ****.

Match 3 – Razor Ramon Vs I.R.S. – IC title on the line. Rotunda went from being a great wrestler… to being the dullest bastard on the face of the planet the moment he put on a suit and became the Tax Man. Maybe that was the point. Tax Men are portrayed as being the dullest people on earth, so maybe he HAD to change his style to rest holds. Huh, JR and Monsoon are on commentary now. JR is awesome. IRS is literally DRIPPING WITH SWEAT. Eeeewww. Doesn’t help that he’s wearing a white shirt. It’s practically see through by the end of this. HBK attacks Razor with HIS IC title belt (He was IC champ, got suspended and refused to give up the title belt. New one was made, Razor won it, HBK came back with his, feud began and they have the ladder match at WM), and IRS gets the win! New champ! Until Earl Hebner comes out and tells the ref what happened. Match restarts and Razor wins. I never understand how they can do that one match then let anything slide in another lol. Decent match. **.

DOUBLE WIDE, DOUBLE DEEP CASKET. Paul Bearer promo. Loved those segments showing Undertaker making the casket and shit lol. Undertaker’s “Ho. Ho. Ho.” might be the creepiest christmas thing ever.

Match 4 – Yokozuna Vs The Undertaker – Casket Match for the WWF Title! Undertaker looks like an unstoppable zombie early on, taking Yoko apart, but the fear of being put in a casket encourages Yoko to fight back. Did anyone other than Undertaker and Bret get good singles matches out of Yoko? They do some fun shit together until Undertaker lands a massive chokeslam and puts Yoko in the casket, but CRUSH shows up to prevent the title from changing hands. Kabuki and fucking TENRYU show up to help out Yoko too. Then Bam Bam. They keep having to bring out guys because Undertaker is unstoppable lol. Fuji steals the urn but Bearer steals it back and decks Fuji and Cornette over the year with it lol, and Undertaker fights back once again. ADAM BOMB comes out to even the odds… for the heels because 5 guys isn’t enough. Neither is 6 apparently as Jeff Jarrett shows up. LMAO Undertaker STILL fights back and another few guys come out including Diesel… and it STILL isn’t enough yet! Not even Cena could overcome these odds for this long. Yoko gets the urn and levels Undertaker with it, and then green smoke escapes from it. Everyone starts attacking Undertaker individually and Undertaker is DONE. And then he cuts a promo from inside the casket, and “floats up to heaven” or something. Crazy, weird, strange, but kinda cool. Fun match, but I think the beatdown on Undertaker lasts longer than the Undertaker/Yoko parts lol. **3/4.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is Scott Steiner. #2 is none other than Samu. What a dull way to start the rumble. I wonder if everyone gets entrance music this year. Had to have started soon, right? Nope. Not this year. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. This year instead of having someone last 40+ minutes and puts in a great performance, we have Diesel simply DOMINATE the match for a short period of time, eliminating the most men up to that point, before he’s eliminated by a group effort. Backlund puts up one hell of a fight using his great amateur skills to use by keeping low to the ground and closing in on Diesel’s legs, and holy fuck does it look like he’s trying to SHOOT eliminate the big man lol. Might be the most convincing non elimination ever. You know how when someone is trying to throw someone else out, and you can clearly see them basically helping to make sure he DOESN’T go out? Well not here lol. Backlund looks like he wants to throw Diesel out and win this thing legit. Then he gets eliminated. Dammit. Virgil is a replacement for someone (I forget) and Diesel looks like he’s trying to stiff the shit out of him before throwing him out haha. The two favourites to win this are Lex Luger and Bret Hart. Hart has the leg injury from the match earlier in the night, and Luger got attacked backstage by Kabuki and TENRYU. You ain’t lived until you’ve seen TENRYU threaten people with a broom, then put it down and walk past everyone like he’s the fucking BOSS. Because he is. ALL HAIL TENRYU. Anywho, yeah, 2 favourites, both with injury angles to overcome. But only ONE of them can win. Right? Nah, both win. Match is mostly good. Gets a little dull towards the end for me though. **3/4.

1993 Royal Rumble

The first RR where a winner gets a title shot at WM! Also the first RR of the “new generation”, and between the presentation and some of the wrestlers, the difference between this and 1992 is pretty huge tbh. It all “feels” very different, at least it does to me.

Match 1 – The Beaverly Brothers Vs The Steiner Brothers – Yeah, I’ll sit through a BB match. After all, it should be fun to see the Steiners throw them around. Fun match. Steiners suplex the fuck out of the BB, BB get a short control segment on Scott and do ok, then Rick gets a hot tag and tears them apart. Frankensteiner from Scott and it’s over. Solid opener. **3/4

Match 2 – Shawn Michaels Vs Marty Jannetty – So they broke up… early 92 (or late 91?)… finally get a match in 93 lol. Marty got released before they could follow up on the angle at the time haha. Sherri is at ringside, but nobody knows who she’ll side with. Marty hit her in the head with a mirror… but Shawn moved her in front of him for it to happen. I do not have fond memories of this match. They have 2 Raw matches later in the year, one really good, and one great, but for some reason they only seem to talk about the really good one and only put that one on sets and shit. Didn’t care for it on this watch either. Shawn bored the fuck out of my while on offence. Sherri slaps him at one point. Probably because she too thought he was boring. Sherri accidentally hits Marty with her shoe or something too (I faded out by then) and Shawn follows up with a superkick and its over. Thankfully. *.

Match 3 – Bam Bam Bigelow Vs The Big Bossman – BAM BAM. BAM BAM. BAM BAM. BAM BAM. HE CARRIES A BIG STICK, A BALL AND CHAIN TOO. Big different in theme songs here lol. LMAO apparently Bossman is good with handcuffs. Perve. Fucking BEAR HUGS. I hate them. So fucking dull. Headbutt from the ropes and Bam Bam wins. Didn’t care for this either. *.

Razor promo. He likes gold. He wants Bret’s gold. From the day before. He’s at a basketball game.

Match 4 – Bret Hart Vs Razor Ramon – Bret gives his sunglasses to a kid like normal. Razor throws his toothpick at the kid! Ha. Bret goes to work on the legs early, smart in a match against a bigger opponent. LMAO, Bret reaches out to grab Razor’s leg at one point… and misses. Excellence of Execution my arse! Before Lawler, there was Heenan mocking Bret’s parents. Bret keeps working the legs, but Razor finds an opening when he reverses Bret and sends him rib first into the ring post, and thus begins Razor’s control segment and rib work over. Razor does a nice job of working the ribs, Bret sells well until he makes his comeback and uhhh… doesn’t even Monsoon mentions it lol. Then he has no choice but to sell them again when Razor goes back to them in order to slow down Bret’s momentum. Finish is cool. Bret hooks in some crazy pin, Razor kicks out so Bret turns that into a Sharpshooter. Good match. ***1/4.

Bobby Heenan introduces the debuting Lex Luger. And seems to be infatuated with his body. The fans don’t give a single fuck.

Julius Caesar and Cleopatra are in the ring where Caesar himself tells us about WM 9. Again, the fans don’t give a single fuck. Ha.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – #1 is none other than Ric Flair, and #2? BOB FUCKING BACKLUND. Oh I so wish their match in the early 80’s wasn’t lost forever. This is as close as we’ll ever get to see it. And that makes me sad. LMAO, Flair pokes Bob in the eyes and Bob doesn’t even react, almost like he has no idea what Flair just did to him. Did anyone ever poke him in the eyes back in the day? Maybe it’d never happened to him before lol. PAPA SHANGO. No music in this RR either. Dammit.  Shango must be cursed or something because he’s gone in about 30 seconds. DiBiase is out next. Oh man, DiBiase, Flair and Backlund? Bring out ARN and we’ve got a great FOUR HORSEMEN group! JERRY LAWLER. Oh wow, Lawler, Backlund, DiBiase and Lawler in the ring at the same time? Get Virgil out of the ring and this could be fucking awesome. Oh shit, Flair and Lawler exchanges. MARK OUT MODE ACTIVATED. TENRYU. FLAIR AND TENRYU. OH SWEET JEBUS I’M STUCK IN PERMANENT MARK OUT MODE. MR PERFECT. HOW IS VIRGIL THE JOBBER KING STILL IN THERE? GET HIM OUT SO WE CAN HAVE ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME RR’S EVER. Poor Tenryu, nobody wants to play with him. He just walks about waiting for someone. Dammit Flair’s gone. At least he had moments with everyone, and that made my day. Month even. Screw it, lifetime. GREATEST THING EVER. Oh man, LMFAO. “Look at Koko unloading on the King” followed by “There’s a lot of people who want to unload on the King”. Seriously though, what is the deal with Tenryu? Nobody seems to want to do anything with him. He’s constantly stood around doing nothing lol. Perfect eliminates Lawler, then Perfect is in trouble on the apron and Lawler helps make sure he’s eliminated too. They brawl. Did they have a singles match? OMG UNDERTAKER. UNDERTAKER AND TENRYU IN THE SAME MATCH. BACKLUND IS IN THERE TOO. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. Undertaker eliminates Tenryu. The Berzerker (Bruiser Brody wannabe) attacks Backlund on the floor with a chair. Neither man is eliminated though lol. The ring gets cleared of everyone leaving Undertaker (Backlund still on the floor), and out comes Giant Gonzales, one of the worst wrestlers of all time. So of course he’s Undertaker’s next opponent. He eliminates Undertaker and… eliminates himself? Is he even in the Rumble? I don’t care, he’s terrible. The battle for a while then Gonzales goes away and leaves Undertaker out cold in the ring still while the match continues.  YOKO. YOKO AND EARTHQUAKE CONFRONTATION. Yoko eliminates him with a belly to belly. Bob goes. Booo. Savage and Yoko are the last 2. Savage goes for a pin. Yoko throws him off and he goes over the ropes. LOL. Yoko wins. Decent match. Gets really dull after the Undertaker beatdown. Before then we had great talent, afterwards it was mainly jobbers. **3/4

1992 Royal Rumble

Mean Gene gets the job of running down the RR match competitors. Better than the last loser, but still not as good as Vince.

Match 1 – The New Hart Foundation Vs The Orient Express – New Hart Foundation are Neidhart and Owen Hart, since Bret has gone all singles on us. Last year the OE had a tremendous match with The Rockers. Don’t expect the same greatness, but Owen is solid at least this early on and Jim is… well he’s ok in tag matches. Fun early going, with Owen utilising his speed then bringing in The Anvil to back him up with the power. The OE are off their game because of this, so they are forced to cheat in order to gain the advantage. A cheap shot here, followed by Fuji using his walking stick, and poor Owen is in trouble. Oh shit, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS REFERENCE. Right after one of the worst superkicks I’ve ever seen. Hmmm… a subtle knock on a certain wrestler’s “martial arts”? Guessing only about 5 people will get that. And I doubt any of them will even read this. So yeah. LOL. Owen Hart isn’t a nice person here. He broke poor old Fuji’s walking stick by running shoulder first into it! How is poor Mr Fuji supposed to walk around now? Did Owen just not think of who it would effect when he did it? And the OE are the heels in this match! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. Very different match to the Rockers one last year, but still good. Hot tag is good, and the finish sees Anvil launch Owen from the ropes onto one of the OE for the win. ***1/2.

Oh god, Lord Alfred Hayes. He might be the worst wrestler turned commentator/interviewer. He’s a terrible talker. I didn’t even know he was a former wrestler when I heard him on commentary the first time because he’s absolutely terrible at understanding the story of matches, has no idea what moves are called, and did I mention he’s terrible? He explains to us the IC title situation. Bret was ill, so The Mountie beat him for the belt. Roddy Piper came down to help Bret, and The Mountie attacks him, leading to Mountie Vs Piper for the belt tonight. The Mountie cuts a pretty good promo, and looks hilarious holding the mountie taser stick thingy like it’s a gun. Piper cuts a great promo. He basically calls Mountie gay.

Match 2 – The Mountie Vs Rowdy Roddy Piper – The Mountie isn’t a great singles wrestler. Piper isn’t the kind of guy who can carry someone to a good match. I smell a stinker of a match coming up! Either that or I need the loo real bad. Perhaps even both. Thankfully it doesn’t last long. Piper wins the IC title, his first title in the WWF, and would be his only title I believe until like, 2006/7 or something where he won the tag belts with Flair! LMFAO at the noise the taser makes. 1/4*

COLISEUM VIDEO EXCLUVE! ALFRED HAYES. He’s interviewing Hogan, who cuts probably the least energetic promo of his career.

A real interviewer now; Mean Gene. Shame he’s with the Bushwhackers. And Jameson  the retard.

Match 3 – The Bushwhackers Vs The Beaverly Brothers – Nope.

Match 4 – The Natural Disasters Vs The Legion of Doom – Tag Title match time! Damn, 3 tag matches on one PPV. It’s the WM 2000 of the RR PPV’s. Earthquake with DAT DROPKICK. Shame Hawk moved out of the way. Early going sees both teams really just push each other around and see who is stronger lol. Just when you think the Disasters are gonna control the match, LOD come back because yeah, they don’t like taking a beating regardless of who their opponents are. Well, Animal at least lol. Hawk lets them get some decent offence in without just firing back with a clothesline like nothing happened to him. Match ends in a countout. No title change. Boo. Match was alright. We see some of the worst chairshots ever by LOD afterwards. **.

Usual interviews before the RR match.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – For the first time since the RR started, the winner actually GETS SOMETHING. And for the only time in history so far, the WWF Title is on the line! LOL Jack Tunney gets booed. He decides to welcome everyone to the RR event. A BIT LATE, MORON. #1 is the Bulldog, and #2 is Ted DiBiase. DiBiase has entered this early before and lasted a while, so he knows what it takes to go the distance. Except he gets eliminated before #3 comes out. Though I doubt anyone will win this match from such a low number anyway… oh hey Ric Flair #3! I wonder how well he does haha. Still no entrance music btw. Heenan’s commentary along with Flair’s performance work together to make this THE greatest RR match ever. On top of that you have perhaps the most star studded match ever too. Flair, Hogan, Savage, Piper, Sid, Undertaker, Slaughter, Bulldog, HBK, Roberts, Snuka, Von Erich, Valentine, DiBiase and Iron Shiek. HALF of the match are top names. HALF. *****.

1991 Royal Rumble

American national anthem to start things off because this takes place during the Gulf War. Someone other than Vince announces the name for the RR. He sucks. He also announces all the other matches that take place. For Warrior Vs Slaughter, it just shows a close-up of Slaughter caressing a boot. Awesome.

Match 1 – The Orient Express Vs The Rockers – Fuck yes. A tremendous tag match to kick off the RR. If you haven’t seen this one yet, then watch it. Now. Stop reading this and go fucking watch it. NOW. Don’t bother with their WM match a couple of months later, THIS is the one you need to see. Plenty of time given to this, and we kinda get 2 tag matches in one. The STF (Southern Tag Formula) that most tag matches follow (because it works) can be simplified down to: Babyface shine period at the start, heel control segment, hot tag, finish. In this match, we get the babyface shine period, heel control segment, hot tag… and then they go back into a heel control segment. And I fucking love it. Just when you think the match is starting to finish, they go back a step and add some unpredictability to the whole thing so we will never be sure when the match will actually end. It’s still using the STF, but making it so it isn’t the exact same as other tag matches. Shawn takes a great beating which is no surprise because he’s a great FIP (face in peril), and when the hot tag comes, MARTY GO BANANAS and so do the fans. And guess what? The heels still manage to get back control of the match! More awesome tag action :D. Finally the Rockers pick up the win. Incredible tag match, possibly a top 10 tag match in company history.  Can think of 5 better off the top of my head… no 6… might be missing one or two though. ****1/4.

Savage backstage, saying he doesn’t care who wins the WWF Title match. If Slaughter wins, he guarantees Savage will be #1 contender. Warrior hasn’t made the same commitment, but Sensational Sherri is gonna try and bate Warrior into doing the same. She tries to come on to him. He wants nothing to do with her. Even when she gets down on her knees in front of him. Savage is pissed. He runs to attack Warrior but he’s long gone.

Match 2 – The Barbarian Vs The Big Bossman – BOSSMAN’S OLD THEME!!! That’s a good start. Wonder if I’ll enjoy this match, since I hated it before, but ended up loving the Hacksaw match from the previous year. Barb is one of those few guys in the wrestling business that are usually mentioned as being a tough bastard you wouldn’t want to mess with. Not as much as Meng, but he’s up there. FACES OF FEAR. Bossman looks like he’s lost a TON of weight, especially if you were to look at him from 2 years ago in the RR match as part of the Twin Towers team. Well, it’s no Duggan/Bossman from last year. Starts off enjoyable, then Barb controls and well, he’s a little dull. BEAR HUG. Followed by a BEAR HUG. They do some spots near the end where Barb looks to have Bossman finished, but he gets his foot on the rope. Then Bossman looks to have things won and Barb… can’t quite reach the ropes LOL. He barely touches the bottom rope so they just say it counts. Bossman wins. Started good, ended alright, middle part was dull. **.

Slaughter promo. Then Warrior made loud noises.

Match 3 – The Ultimate Warrior Vs Sgt Slaughter – WWF Title is on the line. Early parts are good, because Slaughter is a great bumper. Then he gains control, and Warrior is a terrible bumper and terrible seller. BEAR HUG. That’s all I fucking need. Camel Clutch at one point is the most stupid thing ever, as Warrior is half under the bloody ropes. And the ref doesn’t notice for about 20 seconds. Somehow being in the Camel Clutch (one of the most devastating submission holds back in the day) enables Warrior to make a comeback and act like nothing happened. WRESTLING. LOGIC. FUCK YEAH. Sherri comes down, gets launched onto Savage. Savage wallops Warrior with his sceptre and… NEW WORLD CHAMPION. NEW WORLD CHAMPION. Do the fans feel for Warrior? Nah, HOGAN chants instead. This match was bad. *.

Match 4 – Koko B. Ware Vs  The Mountie – CLASSIC. That’s a word that should never, ever, ever be used to describe this match. Best part of this match is Jimmy Hart taunting Koko’s bird. DUD.

Savage is being interviewed. Warrior tries to break his door down. Savage runs.

Usual RR competitors do promos thing. Could you imagine them doing this today? Fuck, we’d get about 29 god awful promos lol. Hmmm… seems like a lot of time left still for just the RR match. Have I forgotten something?

Match 5 – Dusty & Dustin Rhodes Vs Ted DiBiase & Virgil – Yeah, I forgot this. Hopefully I can forget it again. *.

Hogan promo, and LMFAO, half way in Mean Gene “gets an exclusive scoop” that Slaughter has defaced the American Flag. OMG NOOOOO NOT A FLAG! THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE IT HURTS! THERE’S… UMMM… AND THAT OTHER… ITS A FUCKING FLAG.

Match 6 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Bret Hart and Dino Bravo are #1 and #2. Canada Vs Canada. Bret gets entrance music. Bravo gets entrance music. Could THIS be the Rumble where everyone gets entrance music? We’ll see. No idea why I care so much about that lol. But I do. Aaaannnnd… nobody else gets entrance music. Bah! SAMBA SIMBA! What a legend. Tony Atlas for those who don’t remember. Or want to remember. What a gimmick lol. Jake Roberts is fucking OVER. And he didn’t get a main event run with Hogan because of that fact. Yeah, someone DIDN’T get a main event run because they were over. Fucking Hogan. Oh noes someone is getting cheered over me. CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN. So instead Jake is having to feud with guys lower on the card, and during this time its Martel. Martel isn’t bad, but his model gimmick was shit. And this all leads to a blindfold match at WM. It’s not terrible, but it isn’t good either. THE UNDERTAKER. His first RR match. 16 years later he’d finally win one. He enters and immediately throws out Bret Hart. Texas Tornado seems obsessed with taking out Undertaker. Eventually Undertaker gets away from him and goes to work on Snuka, who would be his WM opponent in a few months, where Undertaker would begin the EPIC Streak. Shane Douglas! He’s not a teacher though, so he’ll never be a star. They count down for another entry and… nobody. Didn’t know Benoit was part of the company at this time! Just kidding, it was supposed to be Savage, but he ran out of the area cos Warrior was after him. Funny though, you could see someone ABOUT to come out, and he had red on him, perhaps Animal of the LOD. And who actually does come out next? Animal. Of LOD. Ha. With both LOD in the ring they can no doubt cause some chaos, and they actually manage to eliminate Undertaker! Probably the most credible way for him to go out other than being eliminated by Hogan. Earthquake is again a big threat in this match, bigger than last year because he’s just coming off a big feud with Hogan (they actually had a singles match at SummerSlam). Bushwhacker Luke comes in at #27 and is involved in one of my all time favourite eliminations ever. He does that Bushwhacker march down to the ring…gets in, gets grabbed by Earthquake who walks him to the other side, throws him out, and he continues marching to the back like nothing happened! WARLORD. I’ve said it in the past and I’ll say it again; he looks like a roided up Steve Austin. #30 is… TUGBOAT. More like TUGOAT, right? I’m betting money on this guy. He’s the last guy in and he’s big and fat. Definitely in line for a monster push towards the title, yeah? Hogan eliminates him. TO START THEIR EPIC FEUD, RIGHT? Nah, tag team with Earthquake. WHO IS JUST FINISHING HIS FEUD WITH HOGAN, SO HOGAN TEAMS WITH WARRIOR, RIGHT? Nah. Martel finally gets eliminated by Bulldog. He lasted over 50 minutes, a new record, beating DiBiase from last year. And Bulldog’s reward for finally eliminating him? Being thrown out straight after. LOL. Hogan is now left with Knobbs and Earthquake. Hogan eventually overcomes the odds and wins of course. He’s the big American hero and this was during the Gulf War. Awesome match anyway. One of my all time favourites. I didn’t really start watching until 1993, but I still have fond memories of so many of the guys in this one because they were either still going in 1993, or were in the WWF Annual 1992 book that I had (and still have) and would constantly read through lol. ****.

1990 Royal Rumble

Another RR opens with Vince announcing the participants HUUUUNKY TUNK MAN. KUKU B WARE. HULK WHOOOGAN.

Tony Schiavone and Ventura on commentary. I remember when I first bought the RR Anthology (best DVD purchase EVER btw) and couldn’t believe Tony Schiavone was on commentary. Never knew before then that he was in the WWF.

Match 1 – The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers Vs The Bushwhackers – Oh joy, The Bushwhackers. Or the Marching Morons as Ventura calls them. Rougeau’s are pretty great, but The Bushwhackers suck giant balls. Which is a shame because I hear they were great outside of the WWF (like so many around this time. Koko B Ware, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Butch Reed and many more). One of the Bushwhackers bites the ref in the arse. And doesn’t get DQ’d. BIAS REF. Fans are going fucking INSANE btw. Bushwhackers were TERRIBLE in the WWF but damn were they over. This is terrible in general. Very much a fan interaction/comedy/entertaining type of match with plenty of SCHTICK that usually I could get behind and have a ton of fun with even if the wrestling wasn’t up to par, but fuck, I just hate the Bushwhacker SCHTICK. The Bushwhackers even win. And the ref gets licked. Told ya he was biased! 1/4*

Mean Gene is backstage with DiBiase, and apparently there have been security measures taken so that poor Ted can’t buy a better number like last year. He ends up with #1. Being #1 is a golden OPERTUMINITY for DiBiase to prove how great he is by winning from that position.

Match 2 – The Genius Vs Brutus The Barber Beefcake – No. I’m not watching this. I never have and I never will. I looked up my old review of this show and I didn’t watch it then either. So no. Not happening. Fuck off.

Backstage the Heenan Family are arguing over who is gonna win the RR.

Match 3 – Rugged Ronnie Garvin Vs Greg The Hammer Valentine – I Quit/Submission match here. Always loved this one. A real hard hitting STIFF match between two guys who are good at that style. Some fucking great punches thrown. Valentine is stupid. Tries to get a 3 count at one point. In the most homo cover ever. Then Valentine goes for another cover. Slightly less homo but still a little on the gay side lol. How does Garvin counter? With a pin attempt of his own. LOL. I’m sure people would see that as a negative on the match, but like Ventura says, the wrestlers are so conditioned to pinning people in matches that its almost instinct. And we didn’t see many submission only matches back then, so I can buy it. Besides, the fucking STIFFNESS of this match makes up for it. There is a nice story throughout the match revolving around the Figure Four, with Valentine using a leg brace to aid his version of the FF, while Garvin has one of his own to prevent the move from affecting him (the HAMMER JAMMER)! So Valentine has to change his game plan and utilise other holds. A great match. Some people won’t like it, but fuck those people. Its two tough guys beating the shit out of each other. What’s NOT to love? Oh, no moonsaults for no reason? No flippy shit for random pops? Awwwww sowwy. ***3/4.

Mr Perfect gets interviewed, and he says he drew the PERFECT NUMBER. Number 30 of course. He’s gonna win! Right?

Brother Love is in the ring. This can’t be good. He brings out Sensational Sherry. After talking about some shit for a while first of course, but christ knows if I could make out what the fuck he was saying. They spent a while insulting Sapphire (Dusty’s random fat black women manager for those who don’t remember or choose not to remember lol) before introducing her. I think this might be the worst “interview” segment of all time. Savage shows up at some point. Dusty for the save. This lasted what seemed like forever. I feel dirty for watching the whole thing.

Match 4 – The Big Bossman Vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan – THEY DUBBED OVER BOSSMAN’S THEME. THOSE BASTARDS. I’m going to Youtube. HE CARRIES A BIG STICK, A BALL AND CHAIN TOO. Ahhh, much better! Sadly this would be the first of many absolutely horrible matches Bossman would be involved in during the RR PPV’s. Then again, I may have underrated this. I’ve grown to like 2 big guys beating the fuck out of each other over the years since I last saw this, and so far for the first couple of minutes I’ve been enjoying this. Duggan was a great brawler pre-WWF, and Bossman was a good big man in his early days in the WWF and did some good stuff in WCW a couple of years later too (a certain match with VADER is awesome). Hacksaw can clearly be seen asking the ref to come do the arm raising thing while he’s in a bearhug lol. There’s an awesome bit where the ref is telling Bossman off and pushing him back away from Duggan, and at the exact same time Slick (who can’t be seen on camera) is saying something to Duggan like “that’ll teach you boy” and I actually thought the ref was saying it to Bossman! Bossman uses his BIG STICK to deck Duggan, the ref sees it and DQ’s him. Duggan returns the favour and decks Bossman with his 2×4. Damn, this was good. How the FUCK did I hate it before? Oh yeah, I was retarded. Duh. ***

A bunch of RR guys all talking about the RR match. Everyone back then was sooo damn excited compared to today. I think the drugs helped. Anyone else think Rick Martel looks like Stallone? ARRGHGH WARRIOR ANHDHDYRRH WARRIOR ASJHSYRIHG COMBAT. Ha, Martel looks like Stallone, Warrior sounds like him.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Ted DiBiase is #1 of course, and gets no music. Koko is #2… and gets music. BIASED COMPANY. This is also the first RR where people get music during their entrance. Why can’t babyfaces feel pain in their head when its rammed into something? The bird man flies… out of the ring. Ha, Jannetty also flies out of the ring. DiBiase is using my tactic when I play wrestling games. Empty the ring and take on everyone one at a time. Though back when I first started playing RR matches in games there were 4 guys in the ring to start off. How the fuck did they screw something up that bad lol? Jake Roberts is out next followed by Randy Savage. Damn. 3 truly awesome wrestlers in the ring at the same time. Screw the RR, TRIPLE THREAT. A bunch of big names continue to fill the ring; Bret Hart, Dusty Rhodes, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant, Bad News Brown (to an extent)… and then Red Rooster shows up. LOL. Just realised… only Koko got entrance music for this thing. Guess it’s NOT the first RR with entrance music. Except for Koko. See, THIS is why he’s a HOFer! Earthquake is put over as one of the major threats in the match. He’s currently feuding with Hogan I think. Why? Because he’s big and fat. If you were that in the WWF back then, odds are you’d get a run with Hogan lol. These days you get a dancing gimmick and start to job after a couple of months! Earthquake gets eliminated. Maybe I’m confused and he hasn’t started feuding with Hogan yet. I must be thinking of the 1991 RR match. That match is awesome. This has been good so far though too! AAHRHRTGYRBSBSDBBFHFBG GBGHB!!! ITS THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! He botches within 10 seconds of entering the ring. WOO NEXT WORLD CHAMPION! Warrior eliminates DiBiase who managed to stay in for about 47 minutes or something. WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE! HULK HOGAN! HULK HOGAN! Time to clear the ring of jobbers and Haku so we can get the epic staredown between Hogan and Warrior. Much more successful than the Orton/Cena staredown a few years ago that got ZERO reaction and made me legit burst out laughing at like 3:30am while watching live. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ORTON AND CENA LOL. Rude and Barbarian are next in and eliminate Warrior… who attacks them in the ring then runs off! Seriously, he gets in the ring, knocks them both down… then RUNS AWAY. #30, the perfect one! Probably should have won since Hogan is the champ and didn’t need the win in any conceivable way… but Hogan lost last year and he ain’t losing twice in a row! Winning, yes, but not losing. SPOILER FOR NEXT YEAR OOPS. Hogan wins. Not too pleased with that but whatever. Match is good, really fun, tons of big names too. Best RR match so far. ***1/2.

1989 Royal Rumble

First RR event to be on PPV this time instead of a TV special.

Starts with Vince running down all the names of the RR competitors in that famous VINCE VOICE. There’s one point where Ron Bass comes on the screen and Vince is just QUIET. Takes him about 10 seconds to remember who the fuck this guy was!

Match 1 -The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo Vs The Hart Foundation & Jim Duggan -2 out of 3 falls – Great way to kick off the 1989 RR. Something of a favourite match of mine, to go with the other 1098474874646 favourite matches I have lol. Nice to see Bravo involved in something other than a 17 minute bullshit weight lifting contest. First fall is something too special, but Bret takes the pin and becomes the FIP for the second fall and he does a great job of taking a beating while the heels do a nice job of working him over. Hot tag to Duggan is great because Hacksaw is over as FUCK. The heels get knocked around, then everyone gets confused as Anvil goes for a cover, then Bret goes for a cover before Hacksaw remembers HE is the legal man and finally decides to make the cover and get the win to even this one out at 1 fall apiece. The third fall involves Hacksaw getting mauled in a number of 3 on 1 attacks… until Bravo pretty much throws Duggan into his own corner so he can make a tag lol. Match ends when Duggan CHEATS and decks Bravo in the back with his 2×4 and sneakily hides it behind his back while Bret covers. Gotta love them babyfaces!!! Great tag match using the time tested STF to perfection. ***1/2.

We go backstage now to see Ted DiBiase draw out his number and he does NOT look happy. He calls over Slick to try and make a deal. Bushwhackers draw their numbers, both are great apparently… and then they swap. Because they are special. HTM draws and hates it. Bad News Brown is super happy with his. Demolition claim they are in for a long night. Jake Roberts doesn’t seem to give anything away. Rockers just wish each other good luck.

Well, one match and then some backstage stuff, so I guess we should have another mat… LOL NO. POSEDOWN! Rick Rude posing against The Ultimate Warrior. Rude takes a while to prepare for the 4th pose, and Warrior is apparently frustrated so he jumps into the middle of the ring and just starts screaming. UURGHGHGHGHGH ARRGHGHURUGHGHGHGH. I think he was cutting a promo. So much for not wasting this amount of time on a PPV. The weight lifting shit was terrible and long but also on TV so it’s sort of a little kinda unforgiveable. People have PAID to see this. Rude attacks Warrior during the final pose. WHY DID HE HAVE TO WAIT ALL THIS TIME? Urgh. This whole thing lasts about 15 minutes, almost as long as the weight lifting shit from last year. AND WE DIDN’T EVEN GET A WINNER. THE ENTIRE THING WAS POINTLESS. ARRRGGHHH! Warrior then attacks all the referees and officials that came out to help him. Wow, the babyfaces are really acting like pricks so far!

Match 2 – Rockin’ Robin Vs Judy Martin – Women’s title on the line! Sensational Sherri challenges the winner before the match starts claiming she’s more women than either of them. God this was slow and dull. Lasted less than 7 minutes. Felt like I was watching the weight lifting thing again. 1/2*.

Slick and the Twin Towers are backstage getting interviewed. Akeem just stands and “dances” which is just him moving his arm the same way over and over again. Bossman just has a rapey look on his face while holding his nightstick. Disturbing. Interview with Rude. Ok. Fuji cuts a promo. He claims he’s gonna be the winner of the Rumble. Through the Powers of Pain obviously. Elizabeth gets interviews. She’s hot. And apparently doesn’t support her husband as much as she should. She doesn’t want to choose between Savage and Hogan! Jimmy Hart claims HTM or Valentine will win. And something about a bull horn.

Ventura sits on the King’s Throne to set up the next match. He says he likes the throne and thinks he should run for King. He sure has changed his mind over the years. First he wants to be King, now he’s thinking of being President!

Match 3 – King Haku Vs Harley Race – Current King Vs former King. Winner becomes the true King of the WWF and the toughest bastard on the planet! It’s a little slow and definitely gonna be one of those matches most people won’t like at all, but over the years I’ve learnt to appreciate matches like this a little more than I used to. It ain’t no classic and I ain’t gonna claim it to be, but I enjoy it a ton. Watching both guys hit each other as hard as they can with headbutts and punches to the face and chest chops is something you will either love or hate. Highlight though is Bobby Heenan on the outside cheering on whoever happens to be in control of the match at the time lol. Monsoon calls Haku a master of the martial arts which might be as big of a joke as when they say the same thing about Steamboat. Any time he chops Race he gets called a martial artist lol. Ironically, the big super kick that ENDS THE MATCH and gets Haku the win doesn’t inspire Monsoon to mention anything about being a master of martial arts! The King of the Ring tournament should have been a shoot like Brawl for All, with the finalist having to face the reigning King every year. That way Haku could still be the King. ***.

More backstage interviews. Brutus “the worst of all time” Beefcake is over excited. Valentine sounds dull as shit. As if the Fuji promo earlier wasn’t bad enough… he cuts ANOTHER ONE only this time Demolition are breathing heavy next to him. Master Fuji is still gonna be the winner btw. John Studd talks. I don’t listen. MR PERFECT. RANDY SAVAGE. Savage is champion. What’s the incentive for even being in this match? I mean, Hacksaw won it last year… and he’s opening the show in a 6 man tag. I don’t remember him getting a shot at Hogan or Savage for the title either in the last year. So why even bother lol? DiBiase gets interviewed and is asked about the conversation with Slick earlier. Mean Gene does his best not to laugh when he claims he wouldn’t question his integrity. ARN~! He’s with Tully, Heenan and Andre. They say stuff but who cares? ARN FUCKING ANDERSON. The look on ARN’S face when Andre says they’d better not get in his way is amazing. Hogan cuts a coked up promo as usual. Seriously, he HAD to have been on something when he did these. He’s waaaay too pumped up.

Match 4 – 30 man Royal Rumble Match – The first 30 man Rumble! And with everyone coming in every 2 minutes, this one is gonna last around an hour. #1 is… HERE COMES THE AX… of Demolition. #2 is… AND HERE COMES THE SMASHER… of Demolition. They may be tag partners, but they’re also stupid, so they attack each other. Wouldn’t it make more sense to team up and eliminate everyone one by one, and THEN fight each other when they are the only 2 left? Nah, that’d be boring. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Well they’ll HAVE to work together now, because #3 is none other than Andre THE BOSS Giant. He would eventually be eliminated by… well himself, after Jake Roberts brings a snake in the ring. What a sore loser Jake is. He’s still awesome though. Lol, only in the RR match can you see someone like Bushwhacker Luke beating up Hulk Hogan. Oh hey, WARLORD! Oh, he’s gone already. Hogan dominates and manages to clear the ring of everyone including his own tag partner at the time, Randy Savage! Savage is fucking pissed, so Liz has to step in and make them be friends again. They hug it out (TEAM FRIENDSHIP). So after that impressive display from the Hulkster, he’s probably gonna win the whole thing, right? Nah, thrown out by Bossman and Akeem. LOL. But at least Hogan is a good sport about it… nah, eliminates Bossman illegally. WHAT A GUY. Come to think of it, Hogan is a bit of a cunt in RR matches. Just in this one alone he eliminated his tag partner and illegally threw someone out. In 1992 he would get eliminated by Sid, and then illegally eliminate him too. Yet somehow, he remains the face… Anywho, the guy that goes on to win is… Big John Stud. A Rumble match with the likes of Hogan, Savage, Andre, Jake Roberts, Mr Perfect, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard and more… and Big John Stud wins. LOL. Fun match though. I enjoy it. ***.