Category: Written Reviews

 

Backlash 2008

 

BEWARE THE BACKLASH~!

 

Matt Hardy Vs MVP – WWE United States Championship Match

Please Matt, give me a good MVP match here. PLEASE.

GREAT THROW BY MVP – Michael Cole.

Huh. Seems that was the highlight of the match .

Oh Hardy wins the title btw. Honestly don’t remember him being US champion lol.

Nothing downright awful here… just… nothing remotely worth talking about.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Kane Vs Chavo Guerrero – ECW Championship Match

If I ever invent a time machine, I’m gonna go back to 08 and convince WWE to make this match shorter than their WM match.

Obviously wouldn’t be the first thing I’d do, but it’s on the list. OH IT’S ON THE LIST DAMMIT.

Mike Adamle is contagious. He’s fumbling over his words all the time, and now so is Tazz.

Chavo goes after Kane’s leg. Kane keeps forgetting to sell it. Then he remembers. Then forgets again.

BAM NEELY. NEELEY. NEILY. NEILEY. NEALY. NEALEY. ONE OF THOSE IS RIGHT. Why do WWE love to have a big guy dress in a suit and never speak?

CHOKESLAM. Kane wins.

So this match happened. Kane was kinda terrible. Most he sold the leg was when he walked up the ramp after the match .

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Orton getting interviewed about the 4 way later tonight. No EVE though . I miss evil executive EVE.

 

The Big Show Vs The Great Khali

I’m… oddly looking forward to this. I seem to recall liking this in the past.

BIG SHOW AND KHALI PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE~!

HEADBUTT EXCHANGE~!

FLAIR CHOPS~!

Khali clotheslines Big Show to the mat!!!

Holy crap, Khali with the CROSSFACE.

Big Show tries to slam Khali but can’t do it. Because… ummmm… he was tired from the Crossface? It’s like when Cena pretends he can’t pick someone up for a slam, but everyone on the planet knows he could do it with ease.

Now if only these two could start doing some mat work like that Kane/Show match from Raw in 06 .

BIG SHOW SLAMS KHALI~! So after taking MORE punishment than earlier… he can slam Khali now. Because… ummmm… all those rest holds worked?

Khali tries to Khali Bomb Show, but Show powers out and CHOKESLAMS the Punjabi Giant!!!

Aside from a couple of rest spots by Khali, this is a very surprisingly good GIANT battle. For all the hate Khali gets, even from me 99% of the time, the guy DOES have some good performances under his belt and honestly I think this is one of them.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

John Cena randomly backstage with JIMMY WANG YANG~! Didn’t realise that guy was still with the company at this time. Oh look Orton shows up to bore us all. At least he isn’t trying to hit on Cena like last year at Backlash… .

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Batista

Wah wah wah HBK retired Flair and Batista is a giant cry baby wah wah wah.

Jericho is the special guest referee in this match because he… completely randomly inserted himself into this feud and I genuinely don’t think there was ever any reason WHY lol.

So how does everything feel about this match? Don’t remember when the last time I saw this was, I just remember really liking their Stretcher match a month later.

Early parts of this match so far have been really good. Batista throwing Shawn around with his POWER, so HBK has to rely on his quickness to avoid any hard shots and to try and take the ANIMAL down.

BACKLUND SPOT~! And for those who don’t know what that is… first, SHAME ON YOU. Secondly, it’s when someone is in an arm lock and then just power their opponent up off the mat and stand up while holding them with one arm and it’s impressive as fuck every damn time. A little difference here though as Shawn is able to manoeuvre Batista to the ropes and they both go tumbling down!!!

SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE RING POST~! HBK seizes an opportunity to further injure the arm he’s just started working on!

Well, that’s it. HBK is DEAD. I mean DEAD. Passed on. He is no more. He has ceased to be. This is an ex wrestler. And why, you ask? Because Batista just fucking MURDERED HIM with an incredible clothesline .

WAIT, NO! HBK HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD~! Aaaand apparently Chris Benoit has taken over his body because he’s come back to use the Crossface .

Jericho has to DRAG HBK off Batista when he refuses to release the hold despite the fact Batista grabbed the bottom rope. Careful Chris, the other Chris might put YOU in the Crossface too…

NIP UP~! RIGHT INTO A SPEAR~!

Sweet Chin Music coming right up… SPINEBUSTER~! It seems that Batista has an answer for everything HBK can throw at him on this night!!!

Batista Bomb countered by HBK who lands wrong and seems to be hurt!!! He’s holding his knee and Jericho is doing his best to keep Batista away until… SWEET CHIN MUSIC OUT OF NOWHERE~!

HBK picks up the win, but is his leg really hurt? Is Batista done with HBK? Does Jericho have an ulterior motive for being part of this match? All this and more on the next WWE PPV!!!

Really enjoyed this match!!! Great stuff from both guys. HBK working the arm to try and take the strength away from Batista, and Batista seemingly having an answer for all of HBK’s offence, forcing HBK to fake the leg injury so he can superkick the Animal when he least expects it!!!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Orton cutting a promo on HHH while standing right in front of him… but looking away cos he’s apparently a coward who can’t look into HHH’s face .

 

Beth Phoenix, Victoria, Melina, Jillian, Natalya & Layla Vs Mickie James, Maria, Michelle McCool, Ashley, Cherry & Kelly Kelly

Mickie wins the women’s title from Beth 2 weeks ago on Raw and… instead of a rematch here on PPV, it’s a multi-women clusterfuck tag. No thanks.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Big fan of their WM match, even if it is kinda slow for the first half, but not slow in a bad way imo. I’m also probably one of the bigger fans of this and their JD match too.

Build up for this match was great too, just because it gave us 4 weeks of rather awesome Undertaker TV matches against Kane, Festus, and 2 Batista matches, all of which are definitely worth watching.

I’M GOING TO HURT YOU. Undertaker is seen mouthing that to Edge during the introductions. Now if only Edge had replied with “YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO” .

Foley and Cole keep bringing up shit about how Edge went into WM all cocky because he hasn’t lost to Undertaker before and he knew he could win, but now he’s lost to Taker at WM, how will it effect him mentally? They go back and forth with them mentioning that while yeah, he lost at WM, he still knows he can beat Taker cos he’s done it before. Only thing is, they don’t mention that Edge has only beat Undertaker ONCE… and that was after a brutal cage match with Batista, where Mark Henry destroyed him right after, and Edge cashed in MITB… so if Edge was as smart as the WWE would like to tell you he is… surly the loss at WM will have simply enforced the knowledge that Edge CAN’T beat Undertaker one on one, which is what this match is.

Oh boy did I really go on for longer than I should have on something that is kinda meaningless .

Just days earlier, on SD, Batista hit a SPINEBUSTER on Undertaker right on the steel steps, and Undertaker, despite controlling the early part of this match, shows signs of his back not being 100%. Little things like him selling it after hitting the apron leg drop makes me . And then like at WM, Edge is able to counter a signature Undertaker move, this time with the Edgeomatic, and that allows him to add some extra damage to the Dead Man’s back!

BACK WORK~! And some good back work at that. Dropkicks, submissions, and even those shoulder blocks in the corner, but with Undertaker turned around so the shoulder goes into the back and not the stomach!

The story of the WM match was Edge knowing Undertaker inside and out, and being able to counter move after move from The Undertaker, while here we have Undertaker being able to counter a number of Edge’s counters in order to keep himself in the match despite all the back work done by Edge. And it’s fucking tremendous to watch.

We also see Undertaker going the extra mile to try and take Edge out, including going for a top rope elbow drop, which Edge avoided and holy fuck Undertaker takes one hell of a fucking back bump that a guy his size and age (even in 2008 lol), should NOT be doing. Props to the Dead Man for that.

Spear countered into a DDT by ‘Taker . Another of those great counters from Undertaker!!!

The Edgeheads try to get involved here, with one of them decking Undertaker with the WHC, and another showing up only to be taken out straight away lol.

LAST RIDE~! NO, EDGE COUNTERS~! NO, UNDERTAKER COUNTERS EDGE’S COUNTER~! HELLS GATE~! HELLS GATE~! HELLS GATE~! EDGE TAPS OUT!!! EDGE TAPS OUT!!! THE UNDERTAKER IS STILL THE WHC!!!

The match is over, but The Undertaker is refusing to let go of the hold!!! Undertaker said he was going to hurt Edge, and well, he just fucking did!!!

Unfortunately Undertaker gets stripped of the title due to his misuse of THAT SUBMISSION HOLD, but hey, for now, Undertaker is still champ and this match is fucking tremendous.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Orton backstage again, this time standing outside of JBL’s locker room looking creepy as fuck, like he’s about to barge in and rape him or something… then CM Punk shows up and wishes Orton good luck while flashing his MITB briefcase .

 

Randy Orton Vs Triple H Vs JBL Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

In Time song from The Punisher is the song for the video package here .

The music dies and so goes all my . Because this is like a half hour match and I seem to recall that HHH and Orton are the last 2 guys with a stupid amount of time in a one on one match that’s boring as shit, like most of their matches tend to be.

the bell rings, and Orton steals the belt from the referee, runs at JBL, and gets a boot to the face for his troubles . JBL rules.

JBL then starts caving in Cena’s face with his awesome punches in the corner .

Lots of fast, hard hitting action early on that would make you think this is gonna be a good match. But we all know it’s a lie. Just like cake.

Orton pulls up a chair and lets everyone else battle it out… until Cena fucking CHARGES at him .

Cena gets his moments later though as he’s knocked off the apron and fucking crashes into the announce table. How the fuck it didn’t break on impact is beyond me lol. Cena HAD to have hurt himself there.

Cena has Orton in the STFU, and JBL runs into the ring to… STAND AND MOCK ORTON . This is an elimination match, so it makes PERFECT SENSE . Then HHH appears from behind and locks JBL in a Crossface (which is getting overused tonight…)! Orton escapes the STFU and begins to mock JBL right back until Cena shoves him from behind into HHH and breaks up that submission lol. Fun little segment in this match .

TOWER OF DOOM~!

worst F-U ever to JBL .

STFU TO JBL~! And JBL taps out . JBL was the best thing in this match so far and he’s gone. And while Cena lets go of the submission… PUNT~! Cena has just been eliminated too!!!

And now we have TWENTY MINUTES LEFT with HHH and Orton .

Things get real boring real quick… so much so that I end up watching a “football fails” video on my facebook feed (was hilarious, a bunch of kids getting hit in the face with footballs ), and WWE are apparently also bored cos they keep showing the replay of Cena getting PUNTED .

Orton injures HHH’s mid-section and starts kneeing it and shit and then… HEADLOCK~!

RK…oh? Ummm… I *think* HHH countered it… but it actually looked like HHH went to his knees instead of falling down flat and it came across as more of a botch lol.

Seems Orton is even bored now, and decides to have a mini-match with the steel steps .

Fucking OUCH! HHH counters a Piledriver attempt by tripping Orton up, and Orton just cracks his back and head on the steel steps. Can you say Concussion? Well, Orton probably can’t because his brain just got scrambled .

worst ref bump ever .

RKO~!

PEDIGREE~!

NEW CHAMPION~!

Well, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be… but it SHOULD have been so much better. The first part of the match was awesome, and if it carried on like that, this would have been incredible. But JBL and Cena are eliminated together far too early into the match, and once that happened… HHH and Orton just fumbled around for most of their 20 minutes together, which ends up bringing down the entire match. They still gave us some good moments, but overall it is like most of their matches; dull.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

 

Survivor Series 2008

 

It’s all about SURVIVAL. Will I make it through this PPV without wanting to shoot myself in the face?!?!

 

At least AC/DC are doing the theme . That should get me through SOME of this show lol.

 

JEFF HARDY WAS FOUND UNCONSCIOUS IN THE STAIRWELL OF HIS HOTEL THIS AFTERNOON~! But don’t worry fans, WWE OFFICIALS are investigating! So… no police?

 

Shawn Michaels, Cryme Tyme, Rey Mysterio & The Great Khali Vs JBL, John Morrison, The Miz, Kane & MVP – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

HBK relegated to OPENING THE SHOW. LOL.

Yey, Mysterio gets to start the match against… MVP. Mostly Very Poopy.

Rey does some double team shit with JTG. MAYBE HE’S AN HONORARY MEMBER OF CRYME TYME~! Wow, who is feeding Cole lines? Donald Trump?

JTG is eliminated already .

MVP gets eliminated immediately after by Khali .

Khali Vs Kane time! YEY JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!!

KANE CAN DELIVER THE KISS OF DEATH AT ANY MOMENT. Ummm… what?

No seriously. What?

Kane is eliminated . Wow. Guessing this match isn’t getting a lot of time .

SHAD IS WEARING SHOES THAT AREN’T NORMALLY WRESTLING SHOES LET’S DISCUSS THIS DURING THE MATCH BECAUSE WE ALL SUCK AT ACTUAL COMMENTARY~!

Shad is eliminated. Probably because he isn’t wearing the right shoes.

We’re down to 3 on 3, so HBK decides to get involved in the match. HOW ABOUT GETTING INVOLVED WHEN ONE OF YOUR TEAM IS BEING PINNED SO YOU CAN BREAK IT UP?!?! WHY DOES THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN THESE MATCHES??!!

Lawler: That’s one of the most impressive moves Miz and Morrison have!

JR: Tagging?

JBL PUNCHING HBK’S FACE IN .

HBK gets workover for a bit by Miz and Morrison and meh I don’t care.

LOL Miz is eliminated.

Meanwhile Khali is still in the match .

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant and I honestly don’t know why. JBL and Rey are in the ring. Are they chanting it at Khali on the apron?

JBL is great in this, but the rest of his team have been utterly useless tbh.

HBK’s team was pretty useless too, but at least he had Rey as well lol.

*sigh* JBL gets COUNTED OUT.

Superkick to Morrison and this is over. How… pointless this whole thing was.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Michelle McCool, Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Maria Vs Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Kelly Kelly, Candice Michelle & Mickie James – Traditional Survivor Series Elimation Match

Hmmmm…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Casket Match

Oh, wait, no. No here. This is a BIG SHOW BLIP in their epic series of matches .

The casket gets a longer entrance than most guys in the opening elimination tag got in the ring .

I’m also a bigger fan of the casket than most of the guys in the opening elimination tag .

Big Show, like all giants (apparently…), is terrified of the casket. LOL.

MATCH STARTS WITH PUNCHES . Well at least I’ll get SOME enjoyment out of this .

LED DROP TO BIG SHOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!

UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET~! But Big Show is too scared of the casket to close it himself at first, so Undertaker is able to block the closing of the casket.

Less casket more FACE PUNCHING please.

SECOND ROPE CHOKESLAM TO BIG SHOW~!

NORMAL CHOKESLAM TO UNDERTAKER~!

BIG SHOW BREAKS THE CASKET~!

He’s had enough of this shit and decides to fuck off. Don’t blame him. This stipulation does not suit Taker Vs Big Show.

Undertaker on the other hand, he sits up and wants to continue fucking up Big Show.

WALL OF FIRE~!

Druids bring out another casket.

Big Show stands it up.

FACE PUNCHES~!

Undertaker Irish Whips Big Show into the casket which falls over and the lid shuts and this is over .

Urgh. What a bad match with a dumb finish lol.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The colon people are hitting on the Bella Twins backstage and then… the things get weird as other people randomly show up and get a PPV pay off lol.

 

Oh hey Team Orton. He has Regal and Henry. No way he can lose. Except Shelton and Cody are also on the team. Cody and Orton are having problems.

 

Randy Orton, Mark Henry, William Regal, Shelton Benjamin & Cody Rhodes Vs Batista, R-Truth, CM Punk, Matt Hardy & Kofi Kingston – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

If only this was a 2 on 2 tag with Henry & Regal Vs Punk & Hardy. Ah well, I’m still hoping for some fun here. Also kinda expecting to be disappointed. Which is what being a WWE fan has done to me. I am able to both look forward to and dread something at the SAME TIME .

Oh FUCK YOU WWE. Regal is eliminated within SECONDS.

See? I look forward to some Regal Vs Punk stuff in this match, and I get it. For like 10 seconds.

we did get Layla throwing her shoe at Punk’s face after the pin though .

HERE COMES THE UHHH… CODY RHODES~!

SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT MATT STRIKER UP. 70% of his commentary is him trying to give wrestlers some new tag lines and nicknames.

Cody says he’s everything his father isn’t. Well he’s certainly not over, so yeah, I agree.

half of Truth’s offense seems to be him jumping in the air and spinning. Oh yeah he’s just been eliminated too and NOBODY CARES . Seriously. The fans didn’t react, the commentators didn’t react, and I sure as fuck didn’t react.

I think Kofi just got eliminated too. I was busy not caring when it happened apparently .

Punk has also been eliminated.

HARDY VS HENRY TIME . I hope they forget it’s a tag and just wrestle each other for 10 minutes.

Oh well. Hardy pinned. Leaves Batista on his own and he immediately comes in and Spears Henry to eliminate him. Dammit.

BATISTA BOMB~! Shelton goes next.

Cody and Orton are the last 2 guys for Batista to eliminate.

BATISTA BOMB TO CODY~! But Orton tagged himself in, sneaks up behind Batista and hits the RKO to win the match!!!

This was a pile of shite. Who the fuck books the eliminations in these matches? Because they need firing.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Video package for Jeff Hardy… WHO WON’T BE COMPETING TONIGHT .

 

Triple H Vs Vladimir Kozlov – WWE Championship Match

Jeff was supposed to be in this match to make it a triple threat but he died in a stairwell or something and couldn’t make it. WWE really blurred the lines of reality and kayfabe because with all of Hardy’s drug issues in real life, people legitimately thought he’d OD’d in a stairwell and wouldn’t be able to compete tonight lol. Of course it was all FAKE~!

Just what a HHH/Kozlov match needs; rest holds within the first 20 seconds!!!

TNA chants .

Oh god I still have Jericho/Cena to go after this. And I fucking hate Jericho/Cena too. My god this entire PPV is awful .

Edge shows up to make it a triple threat match again. Everyone thinks Jeff Hardy has finally made it but nope, it’s Edge. With a beard. Beardge?

Fans are loving it because an arena of black guys would cheer Hogan coming out if it meant an end to the boredom of HHH Vs Kozlov.

Oh hey Jeff IS here too. Chair to HHH. Chair to Kozlov. Spear from Edge. Edge pins HHH. New champ.

Match was awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Chris Jericho Vs John Cena – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Cena breaks his neck and his return match is on PPV for the title. Because stuff.

Alrighty, this one STARTS off good. Jericho works the neck and Cena gives us a nice callback to his SS match when he goes to climb the ropes for that legdrop, but thinks better off it since the last time he did it he broke his neck.

CENA SENT INTO THE RING POST~!

CENA SENT INTO THE RING STEPS~!

JERICHO TRYING TO RIP CENA’S HEAD OFF~!

CENA NO SELLING EVERYTHING SO HE CAN HIT HIS 5 MOVE OF DOOM~!

JERICHO GOING BACK TO THE LIONTAMER VERSION OF THE WALLS OF JERICHO FOR ADDED PRESSURE ON CENA’S NECK~!

F-U~!

TOP ROPE LEG DROP BECAUSE FUCK IT MY NECK ALREADY BROKE DOING IT WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN THIS TIME~!

MORE NO SELLING OF THE NECK~!

NEW WHC~!

FINALLY MADE IT THROUGH THIS PILE OF SHIT~!

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – -1

 

Cyber Sunday 2008

 

Big freakin’ deal.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Kane – No Holds Barred

Wish this was a Burlap Sack on a Pole Match instead .

Gotta love WWE and their choices. No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere, or 2 out of 3 Falls. Basically 2 street fights and a normal match with more than 1 fall. Hmmm… match with weapons or match without weapons? I WONDER WHAT THE WWE UNIVERSE WILL CHOOSE!!!

Rey MISSED KANE on a dive. HE MISSED A 7 FOOT MONSTER .

AWESOME spot from Kane with a sliding dropkick right into Rey’s back who is wrapped around the ring post .

Why do wrestlers, usually BIG GUYS, run the ropes to do a dropkick… but STOP and then jump for the legdrop? WHAT’S THE POINT OF RUNNING FIRST?!!?

DID YOU KNOW? Kane is MUCH LARGER than Rey! Great insight brought to you by Jerry “atric” Lawler!!!

Gotta love how the fans get super fired up any time Rey gets some offense in, then Kane hits a clothesline or a big boot to put him back down and the crowd just DIE.

Rey using more of his SWASHBUCKLING style here!!!

REY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF KANE WITH A CHAIR~!

CHOKESLAM COUNTERED INTO A 619~!

THAT STUPID LOOKING SPLASH~!

REY PINS KANE~!

Fun match, but not as good as their No Mercy bout. Man, been so long since I started my PPV Rambles with that show lol.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

DIVA HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST~! Fans vote for who they wanna fap over the most. Michelle McCool is dressed as a slutty army girl. Katie Lea is a vampire. Lena Yada (who?) is… someone from Mortal Kombat? Candice Michelle is Marilyn Monroe and does an awful singing impression.

 

Jericho backstage with Cody, Ted and MANU. Jericho tries to manipulate them to take out Batista like they did Punk at Unforgiven. They basically tell him to fuck off .

 

Teddy Long shows up with his assistant TIFFANY . I miss THE TIFF. Anyway, Long is here to announce the winner of the ECW title match vote!

 

Matt Hardy Vs Evan Bourne – ECW Championship Match

The choices were Bourne, Henry and Finlay. Wow, the fans really couldn’t go wrong here!

EVAN BOURNE CAME FROM VIRTUAL OBSCURITY~! I guess that was a dig at Indy promotions lol…

Total Evan Bourne show for the first half of this match. Guy looks incredible. He’s flying around doing cool shit while also taking Matt to the Mat (hahaha) and looking dominant there too. But then Matt’s experience comes into play and he counters a high risk move by dragging Bourne back first across the ropes in an awesome looking spot .

Hardy is working the back over of Bourne. Matt Striker tries to get the fans to feel his pain with the line “ANYONE WHO HAS COUGHED OR SNEEZED HARD CAN IMAGINE HIS PAIN TIMES 100” .

SPINNING HEEL KICK TO COUNTER AN AXE HANDLE SMASH~!

With that, Bourne is able to make a comeback and from here on out its back and forth as both men desperately want to win and be the ECW champion!!!

After an awesome finishing stretch between the two, a Twist of Fate puts an end to Bourne’s title dreams for now.

Super fun match.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

MOAR DIVAS~! Beth Phoenix is a GLADIATOR. I’m sure there is a pubes joke somewhere there. Jillian is BATWOMAN. MARIA IS A BUNNY. She hops . Kelly Kelly is a sailor. Yawn.

 

Cryme Tyme Vs The Miz & Morrison

So what could we choose between here?

Mickie James & Jamie Noble (how odd…) Vs Layla & Regal. Because…???

Cryme Tyme Vs Jiz & Morrison…

and Punk & Kofi Vs Cody and Teddy with the titles on the line.

can’t believe what won the vote. Skipping like a mofo.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

More divas in potentially hot outfits? Ok! THE TIFF as a sexy sister! I’d get on my knees for her . Brie Bella is a… Egyptian? Natalya is a cop with handcuffs. Dirty slut . Eve as a Ninja Turtle! I’m still a little confused about finding that hot .

 

Jericho wants Khali in his corner tonight against Batista. Khali apparently says no. Takes him 2 minutes to say it, but he says NO and nothing else lol.

 

Santino Marella Vs Honky Tonk Man – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Didn’t care for Santino, but did love the HONK-A-METER lol. Santino is at 11 weeks, compared to the 64 weeks of HTM. He’s close .

Piper (RIP ), Goldust and THE HONKY TONK MAN were the choices here. HTM wins over Piper by 1%!

I’VE GOT MY LONG SIDEBURNS AND MY HAIR SLICKED BACK I’M COMING TO YOUR TOWN IN MY PINK CADILLAC~!

As a “wrestler” I never cared for HTM. As an “entertainer”? AWESOME.

HTM dancing .

Santino dancing. Not marking out here.

CHEAP SHOT TO HONKY~!

Well this was a nothing match. Beth gets Santino DQ’d in about a minute. Not a dud cos HTM was awesome.

After the match ends, GOLDUST and PIPER come out to make sure Santino doesn’t leave the arena without an asskicking.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Yey divas time again! Maryse is a sexy french maid. She’s also dressed up as one here . Layla is Princess Lea… but not the gold bikini outfit . Victoria is PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME . MICKIE JAMES IS LARA CROFT AND IS AUTOMATICALLY THE WINNER.

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Last Man Standing Match

Other options were KNOCKOUT MATCH and I Quit. I’d have been ok with any tbh.

Watching this hours before SummerSlam 2015 that will feature THE UNDERTAKER VS BROCK LESNAR. This is likely gonna be the better match of the two . Not that I don’t think Taker and Lesnar can have a great match tonight, but Undertaker in 08 was head and shoulders above pretty much everyone else in the company at the time and his chemistry with Show was fantastic. In 2015 he’s definitely lost a step or two, and Lesnar’s new style doesn’t give them the same chemistry they had in 2002/2003.

Big Show is walking to the ring for a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH WITH THE UNDERTAKER… and he’s fucking SMILING. Now THAT is one cocky heel bastard!!!

When a match starts with Undertaker blasting people IN THE FACE with punches, I know I’m in for a good time .

BIG BEEFIE BASTARDS BEATING THE BEJEBUS OUT OF EACH OTHER .

One of my fav spots ever. Undertaker puts the chair on Show’s throat and then rams him into the ring post . He did it quite a bit during his BIG EVIL heel days and it totally fucking rocked. He also took out BIG VIS in 04 during the JBL feud.

APRON LEG DROP~! Undertaker TARGETING THE THROAT~!

Love how Big Show started the match being able to get his hands up to protect himself against most of the punches from ‘Taker, but as this match goes on he struggles to keep his hands up, which is one of the more difficult things to do in boxing. Would have loved to have seen Big Show in a pro boxing match at some point lol.

The side of Big Show’s face were all the punches have been landing is RED. Ain’t nothing fake about this match .

BIG SHOW PUNCHES TAKER IN THE FACE WITH A TV MONITOR~!

SUPERKICK BY THE BIG SHOW~!

UNDERTAKER PUNCHES BIG SHOW WITH A STEEL CHAIR~!

CHOKESLAM THROUGH A TABLE~! THE UNDERTAKER IS DEAD~! FOR REALSIES~! NAH HE GETS UP BEFORE THE COUNT OF 10~!

Undertaker on his knees telling Big Show to bring it, while he continues to try and throw punches that have no effect on the GIANT .

Another huge Chokeslam to The Undertaker, and Big Show believes it’s over. He NEEDS it to be over. But Undertaker isn’t going to give up.

KNOCKOUT PUNCH~!

OMG THE UNDERTAKER SITS UP AT 7~! Big Show simply cannot believe it, and goes for a steel chair to finish the job once and for all.

CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD~!

Big Show picks Undertaker up for another Knockout Punch, but Undertaker counters and applies the HELLS GATE out of nowhere!!! Big Show taps out immediately but it means nothing here!!! BIG SHOW IS OUT!! THE REFEREE BEGINS THE COUNT!!!

The Big Show cannot answer the 10 count, and THE UNDERTAKER is the LAST MAN STANDING!!!

Good god what a match!!! Just fucking awesome. 2 guys beating the absolute shit out of each other until one man cannot go any more . THIS IS PRO WRESTLING.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Jericho is demanding that Mike Adamle (GOAT GM) put an end to the special guest referee vote for tonight. Jericho gets a text (OMG IT’S KEVIN NASH) and walks off instead.

 

Tazz gives us the results of the DIVA COSTUME CONTEST. Mickie James wins because DUH.

 

Triple H Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE Championship Match

the other options for HHH’s opponent tonight were VLADIMIR KOZLOV, or a triple threat with VLADIMIR KOZLOV STILL INVOLVED . Why even bother with a fucking vote for this? Putin wouldn’t even vote for Kozlov…

Well, I’m happy this match was chosen. HHH and Jeff typically have excellent chemistry. A few blips here and there, but overall they’ve been having great matches together since 2001 (remember their IC title matches? GO WATCH NOW).

at Hardy. He hits a sweet armdrag on HHH and just screams “YEEEEAAAAAHHHH” afterwards. Crowd love it . I get a kick out of it too lol.

“Match starts with Jeff doing the whole “nobody thinks I can wrestle so I’ll do basic wrestling moves to prove them wrong and put my opponent off his game” schtick, but quickly goes back to his high risk offence and unfortunately he crashes and burns allowing HHH to take control. Not really sure what I think to the opening parts of the match tbh. Yeah, Jeff did the “unexpected” to try and take HHH off his game and shit, but then that leads to Jeff just doing his usual shit and it backfires on him. So uhhh… why even bother with the “wrestling” stuff before hand? Might as well have had Jeff go all out to begin with, rocking HHH with some quick, high impact moves before HHH finally avoids something because Jeff went to the well far too often. Transitions into HHH’s control segment the same way, but doesn’t waste the time at the start of the match lol.”

I wrote that about their No Mercy match, and well, copy and pasting it made sense because this match starts off THE EXACT SAME lol. In fact, structure-wise, this is pretty much the same match as their No Mercy match. After Hardy crashes and burns, HHH takes control. Hardy makes some little comebacks while HHH cuts him off, then slowly as the match progresses, Hardy’s high risk style becomes more and more of a GAME changer.

The main difference here is the finishing stretch for the match, with Hardy hitting a Swanton and instead of being caught in a pin, goes for a second one only to be kneed in the back. They end up on the outside, then get back in where Hardy goes for another Swanton but HHH turns it into a Pedigree for the win!

Honestly think I might like this more than their NM match. In fact, I definitely do!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Chris Jericho Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Austin, Orton and HBK were options for the special guest referee. Austin wins because DUH.

Might i just say, that the pairing of Jericho and Batista, on paper, is DULL AS FUCK. URGH. Just fucking URGH.

Jericho does leg work.

Jericho applies a sleeper instead of a leg submission because he’s retarded apparently.

Austin does referee stuff.

Batista sells the leg.

Callum doesn’t care.

Austin gets taken out.

HBK runs down to take over.

HBK does the slowest count in history.

JBL shows up and takes out HBK because I don’t know why.

Callum still doesn’t care.

Orton takes out Austin.

Jericho hits Batista with the WHC.

Austin stuns Orton.

Batista hits the Batista Bomb.

Batista wins the WHC.

Callum is happy the match is over.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 14

 

Armageddon 2008

 

Hell is upon us. Or rather me. Cos this is probably gonna suck. Don’t remember a single match on the card.

 

Matt Hardy Vs Vladimir Kozlov

Seriously? Of all the fucking people who could face Hardy on PPV… they picked KOZLOV? I guess at least it isn’t a title match… but seriously? Henry. Finlay. Swagger. Hell even Dreamer. But nah, let’s have Matt and Kozlov instead. You know, that big guy that hasn’t had a single good match yet. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY FAIL??!

Poor Matt. He actually looks terrible early on when he’s throwing punches and kicks at Vlad who is avoiding them all. I don’t know if Matt’s doing them like that because he knows they aren’t going to hit, or if he’s just off his game due to being in the ring with future comedy jobber man.

BACK SUPLEX. INDICITIVE OF KOZLOV’S TRAINING IN SOMETHING CALLED SAMBO. Matt Striker, everyone!

“Kozlov seems cyborg like, void of any emotion” I think the word you are looking for is CHARISMA. He’s void of any CHARISMA.

ARM LOCK.

ARM LOCK.

ARM LOCK.

OMG ANOTHER ARM LOCK~!

Hardy’s arm has been cut open . Guess those ARM LOCKS were more effective than I realised!

Hardy sends Kozlov into the ringpost twice and… it doesn’t really do shit. Kozlov sends Matt into the ringpost once and that’s it for Matt.

So Kozlov is still undefeated at the expense of the ECW champion. Instead of having Matt have an ECW title defence and getting a win on PPV. Fuck the WWE.

Match was dull, but not something I’d call “bad”. Just, no need to ever see it. Ever.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge is backstage with Vickie. Last time I saw these two was during the SS build up and… well Vickie was the one who booked the HIAC and Edge wanted to take her to hell with him. And now they are together again and I genuinely don’t remember why they got back together.

 

Oh yeah and Chavo is nothing more than the coffee boy for Vickie. He’s the 2008 version of Patterson and Brisco, only with less talent and more gay .

 

Hornswoggle spanks Eve. Can’t blame him. Finlay wants him to stay backstage tonight so he doesn’t get hurt. Oh god this isn’t the show with Finlay Vs Khali is it?

 

CM Punk Vs Rey Mysterio

HYPED . The finals of the IC title tournament with the winner facing KING REGAL for the title .

Haven’t seen this match in a looong time. I usually forget about it and only tend to remember their 2010 matches.

MIKE KNOX mention. I should look up the Knox/Mysterio matches again cos they are a ton of fun. FLYING BEAR~!

ARM DRAGS~!

Damn, Rey gets launched over the ropes and just SPLATS on his knees. No wonder he’s had knee surgery and 619 times. Get it? 619? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.

PUNK LOOKING TO WEY REY~! Well done Cole, I can see why Vince wanted you to replace JR…

Regal with his KOTR throne at ringside to sit on is awesome. None of that sitting with the commentators shite! And then he randomly has Layla with him during this time. She did… absolutely nothing ever, from what I remember .

ARM BAR BY PUNK~!

REY WITH AN ARM BAR AND PUNK MAY TOP IT!!! Cole continues to show greatness…

at Punk’s bump off a dropkick to the back. He quite literally gets hit and runs from one side of the ring to the other and jumps out the ring .

Oh man, totally got a smile on my face right now. Some awesome sequences here between both guys as they try everything to win.

THE SWASHBUCKLING STYLE OF REY MYSTERIO~! WHY DOES VINCE KEEP YOU EMPLOYED, COLE?!?!

GO TO SLEEP~! CM Punk picks up the win over Pirate Rey and destroys his nose in the process! Good job Rey wears a mask, huh?

Really good match, super fun and nothing I can really complain about aside from the awful Cole Commentary lol.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Jeff Hardy with a weird backstage promo in the dark.

 

JBL comes out for an in ring segment . This is during the whole “HBK is broke” angle. Don’t care what anyone says, I enjoyed it a ton!!!

 

 

NOBODY TOUCHES JBL!!!

 

HBK comes out to try and explain why he’s broke. Yeah, nobody bought it lol, but hey, the angle was still good!

 

Eve backstage again . Orton is there and Cody shows up with… with… Manu? Remember him?

 

Mark Henry Vs Finlay – Belfast Brawl

I was thinking this was Finlay Vs Khali, but instead it’s HENRY and not Khali .

THE BEEFY VS THE BRAWLER .

So Finlay takes the fight right to Henry and… what? Striker says what?

WE’RE SEEING A DIFFERENT FINLAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT!!!

Different? HOW IS FINLAY GOING HEAD ON TO BEAT SOMEONE UP DIFFERENT? ARE YOU RETARDED? YES. YES YOU ARE. FUCK YOU.

2 minutes into this match and it’s already amazing. I wish Henry when he came WHC got a Punk-length title reign. Henry with the HALL OF PAIN as champ for over a year?

You know how WWE’s trash cans and lids are like, made of tin foil basically and never look like they hurt? Well… Henry fucking BLASTS Finlay in the face with one of the lids and holy shit it looks more brutal than 99% of chair shots EVER.

YOU WANTED A FIGHT? YOU GOT A FIGHT! Henry trash talking .

WEAPON SHOTS~! Love how Finlay starts smacking Henry down with a Kendo stick, then once Henry is on his knees, Finlay throws the weapon away and just knees the World’s Strongest Man in the fucking FACE.

Henry putting a trash can in Finlay’s face while he’s stuck in the corner, then just CRUSHING IT with his GIRTH .

Hornswoggle ignores his dad and shows up anyway, but helps out by throwing in a second Shillelagh (Henry broke the first one lol) which puts Henry away!

haven’t had this much fun with a wrestling match in some time . Excellent street fight between two awesome wrestlers.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Divas randomly standing around a christmas tree. SANTA HASS shows up with presents for them. Beth and that fake Italian dude show up to steal the presents only to be chased off by the Boogyman and Goldust. Then everyone starts signing as random people show up.

 

Then it cuts to Mr Kennedy looking confused as fuck before he tells people not to do drugs and watch his straight to DVD/the bin film.

 

Batista Vs Randy Orton

A MATCH FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING~!

Personally I think we should have given it another couple of decades… so it would never happen. Ever.

THE ANIMAL SUCKING IN THE ATMOSPHERE. And soon to be just sucking!

STAY AWAY FROM THE SUDDENNESS OF ORTON~! Cole just keeps coming out with these crackers lol.

Manu and Cody get caught attacking Batista on the outside and the referee sends them to the back. Manu apparently didn’t realise he could come back, and was never seen again .

Oh joy, the third match of the night to feature some ARM WORK…

HEADLOCKS~!

SOME OTHER MOVES~!

I DON’T CARE~!

BATISTA BOMB~!

MATCH IS OVER~!

WAS BORING AS FUCK~!

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria, Mickie James, Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly Vs Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Victoria – Santa’s Little Helper Match

FAP.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Oh god I still have to sit through their Survivor Series match after this too at some point. Hate that match despite most people praising it for whatever reason. Nobody mentions this match so it’s no doubt even worse. Yey…

They have plenty of HATE~! here which is nice I guess… but they aren’t really doing anything worth mentioning.

NO WAIT, YES THEY ARE!!! REST SPOT~!

FINISHER COUNTERS~!

FINISHER KICKOUTS~!

FINISHER COUNTERS~!

SUBMISSION~!

Fuck me this was utterly pointless. Match could have been sucked into a void and it wouldn’t have been any less pointless.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy Vs Triple H – WWE Championship Match

BEEEHAAAAAAARRRR~! That’s the noise HHH makes when he clotheslines Edge in the turnbuckle .

Wrestling makes no sense sometimes. Well, ok, it never makes sense really, but in the world of wrestling, sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. HHH is about to Pedigree Edge, so what does Jeff do? HIGH RISK MOVE TO STOP IT~! I have to question WHY? Why bother risking your own body to stop HHH hitting his finisher? Let him take out Edge with his finisher, and then simply stop HHH from making a cover. DUH. Doesn’t take a genius to figure this shit out. I mean, I came up with it, didn’t I? That says it all, really.

Seems that HHH has been watching some old Taker/Hardy matches cos he totally took a Twist of Fate like a neckbreaker.

More shit that makes no sense… Ok, so all 3 guys are brawling on the outside by the announce tables. Edge clears one table to get it ready for TABLE SPOT~! Ok, that’s great. HHH gains control of this brawl and… instead of just using the table that’s already set up… decides to clear ANOTHER table instead. Why? So they could do a spot with Edge running from one table to another to Spear Jeff through it. STOP BLATANTLY DOING STUPID SHIT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN A RANDOM SPOT.

Congrats to HHH for hitting the Spinebuster and not tearing his quads!

KOZLOV .

Matt comes out to try and help and… gets taken out, allowing Kozlov to throw Jeff off the ropes and potentially cost him the title . YOU HAD ONE JOB, MATT.

FFS, Hardy goes retarded AGAIN by preventing Edge from doing a Conchairto to HHH. LET HIM DO IT. What happens instead? Hardy stops the Conchairto and… HHH ends up knocking him off the ropes while he’s attempting a Swanton. GOOD JOB JEFF.

PEDIGREE TO EDGE~!

SWANTON TO HHH~!

JEFF HARDY IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION~!

THE FANS HAVE LOST THEIR SHIT~!

SHAME HE LOSES IT A MONTH LATER .

Nothing special here. Standard triple threat match. Not awful, not great, just there.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8.5

SummerSlam 2008

 

THE BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER OF THE SUMMER.

 

Jeff Hardy Vs MVP

MVP HAS MADE THIS PERSONAL WITH JEFF. Except I have no idea why cos the commentators never explained it and there was no video package. Yey…

Awesome belly to belly overhead suplex from MVP, sending Hardy into the turnbuckle and folding him up like that musical thingy. Accordion? Yeah, that sounds about right.

MVP punches Hardy to counter a springboard move and Tazz calls it THE STRONG STYLE OF MVP .

MVP does some stuff. Hardy does some stuff. Shelton Benjamin shows up because I don’t know and causes Jeff to miss the Swanton and MVP kicks Jeff and wins and I simply don’t give a fuck.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria, Santino and Beth are backstage for an interview segment. Maria’s boobs are defying science by remaining in her top. Some words were spoken by people.

 

Mickie James & Kofi Kingston Vs Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella – Intergender Winner Takes all WWE Women’s & WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Lillian looking fine. Mickie looking fine. Beth looking fine. That’s all I’m gonna say because FUCK watching a Kofi and Santino match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

HBK and his wife Rebecca come to the ring to discuss HBK’s future due to his eye getting destroyed by Jericho. Jericho comes out and… POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!!

 

 

Matt Hardy Vs Mark Henry – ECW Championship Match

FINALLY, something for me to get excited about!!! HENRY AS ECW CHAMP . HARDY AS HIS OPPONENT .

TWIST OF FATE 30 SECONDS INTO THE MATCH!!! And Tony Atlas pulls Hardy out and… DQ .

Fuck you WWE. I got all excited for this match and it lasts 30 seconds? YOU CUNTS.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

CM Punk Vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Ok, actually watched this… well probably about a year ago now BUT IT FEELS LESS THAN THAT TO ME and I remember a ton about it so I’m finally able to get moderately excited about SOMETHING on this fucking show.

JBL hates Punk cos he doesn’t drink. And Punk hates JBL cos… he’s a bully and rapes people in the shower?

So the match starts with JBL trying to be all BEEFY and maul Punk, but Punk is all FUCK YOU AMMA BE FAST AND DIVE ON YOU AND SHIT.

SUPER FALL AWAY SLAM~!

JBL WORKING THE BACK~!

Love those big clubbing blows to the back that JBK does to Punk while Punk is basically sat down. Looks brutal as FUCK.

CM Punk THE MARTIAL ARTS CHAMPION .

JBL applies a CLAW to the ribs of Punk while applying an abdominal stretch . Nice to see SOMEONE making an effort with what is typically a boring as fuck hold lol.

CLOTHESLINE NOT QUITE FROM HELL~!

MULTIPLE ELBOW DROPS~! Gotta be careful with those, Ziggler killed Lawler for a few seconds with that very same sequence!!!

Punk kicks JBL in the face and… JBL LANDS ON PUNK’S HEAD . I don’t even know how such a thing is possible, but it happened.

And that seems to have busted Punk open lol. Ouch!

Fuck me, they show the botched spot in slow motion so we can see just how Punk got busted open. Looks so much worse in slow mo lol.

GTS OUT OF NOWHERE~! PUNK RETAINS! PUNK RETAINS!

Well this match kinda (not really) makes up for the show so far being utter shite. Great match. JBL’s back work is great, and Punk is awesome with his hope spots.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Triple H Vs The Great Khali – WWE Championship Match

So how does WWE follow up a great WHC match? With The Great Khali getting a WWE Title shot.

Smart move HHH, attempt a Pedigree on a fucking GIANT 20 seconds into the match. HE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO COUNTER THAT.

Oh he did. Shock.

DOUBLE ARM CHOKESLAM.

VICE GRIP.

And of course despite those basically being Khali’s finishers, HHH escapes defeat this early into the match and chops Khali’s legs and… walks into a CHOP TO THE HEAD. Which is also one of Khali’s finishers, so obviously this match isn’t over yet cos HHH ain’t losing to no Khali finishers…

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants. Are they for Khali or HHH?

VULCAN DEATH GRIP THING. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST USE THE HEAD VICE GRIP INSTEAD LOL?!?! Wrestling Logic: THERE IS NONE!

HHH goes for another Pedigree and they LITERALLY WALK TO THE ROPES so Khali can back body drop him . I hate that spot to begin with, but when they walk over to do it? FUCK OFF.

Pedigree.

HHH wins.

This wasn’t as bad as I was expecting… just because it didn’t last as long as I thought it would . Still a load of crap.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Batista

“I’ve never told this to anyone, but for 6 years I’ve been watching you” – John Cena.

So… Cena has been perving on Batista for SIX YEARS.

HOP TOSS AND BODY SLAM FROM CENA OMG THE POWER THE SHEER POWER OF THAT OMG CENA IS THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WWE!!!!! Apparently…

Batista meanwhile nearly rips Cena’s head off with a clothesline, then hits a stalling suplex and nobody gives a shit about HIS power lol.

Batista shouldn’t use the Figure Four. Ever. It’s not that he Miz’s it up, but it just looks stupid as fuck when guys his size use it lol.

immediately after the FF spot, Cena F-U’s Batista over the ropes and the commentators react like it’s nothing. Cole is even LAUGHING while calling the spot . And then Batista just gets back in the ring like nothing happened .

Oh god I HATE Cena’s 5 moves of doom. At least when other people have their “5 moves of doom”, they don’t rely on their opponent running at them and doing certain moves the EXACT SAME WAY EVERY MATCH. Cena needs people to run at him, to go for a clothesline and miss etc, and fuck me it just looks SO BAD.

STFU~!

At one point Cena’s arms AREN’T EVEN TOUCHING BATISTA .

So far this match has been odd as fuck. It was hyped as this big BATTLE between two of the biggest stars of the decade finally meeting for the first time ever in a one on one match. But nothing really HAPPENS in the match. The match starts, then literally only a couple of minutes in, we have Batista using the Figure Four followed up with an F-U over the ropes, then the moment Batista gets back in the ring he’s walking right into Cena’s 5 moves of doom and then it’s a Spinebuster and then the STFU and I’m all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? How did they fail so bad at just putting on a big BOMB THROWING fest?

Another F-U, this time in the ring and of course Batista kicks out. Then they fight on the ropes and this leads to the finish of Batista catching Cena with a Powerbomb as he tries to do that leg drop move he does. No wait, Cena kicked out of that? I could have sworn that was the finish lol . It kinda broke Cena’s neck though. Batista follows it up with a Batista Bomb and NOW it’s done.

Man, I really remember enjoying this a ton when it happened. Now? Urgh. Just urgh. No structure to the match. They just seem to do moves and none of it really makes sense or looks good. Like I said, they failed at throwing bombs at each other. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – Hell in a Cell

. Undertaker. Hell in a Cell.

An event with only one good match so far will at least end with a match I am most likely still going to love a lot .

Edge uses his speed to avoid Undertaker’s punches early on, and is even able to escape from the corner numerous times. Seems like a good strategy until… BOOT TO THE FACE .

Knock Knock.

Whose there?

EDGE’S FACE BEING RAMMED INTO THE CELL OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SPEAR INTO THE STEEL STEPS~!

That hurt the Dead Man, and gives Edge a chance to gain control of the match. So how does he do it? By turning the Hell in a Cell, Undertaker’s match, into HIS match by bringing in Tables, Ladders and Chairs (oh my)! Very smart and probably my favourite aspect of this match.

I UNDERSTAND.

Undertaker has been smacked with chairs, smashed on steel steps, hit with ladders and put through a table. How does he gain the upperhand again? PUNCH TO THE FACE~!

SPEAR THROUGH THE CELL~!

SPEAR THROUGH THE… ECW TABLE?

EDGE WAS RUNNING ON WOOD .

FUCK ME WHAT A CHOKESLAM.

Finisher. Kick out. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout.

Chokeslam through two tables that were randomly set up earlier in the match for no real reason yey!!

SPEAR BY THE UNDERTAKER~!

CAMERA TO THE FACE OF EDGE~!

CONCHAIRTO~!

Undertaker is dishing out everything Edge did to HIM inside the Hell in a Cell almost a year ago when he cost the Dead Man the title against Batista!!!

Tombstone, and this one is over.

Afterwards, Undertaker chokeslams Edge through the ring and into FIRE, but the lame DVD release/Network version editing kinda ruins the whole moment.

So… this match huh? Well it was good, but I just wasn’t feeling it on this watch. Maybe it’s because I’m not exactly loving wrestling right now, or maybe I’ve just become tired of this match lol. Either way it was disappointing .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 5

 

Night of Champions 2008

 

EVERY MATCH IS A CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH~!

 

John Morrison & The Miz Vs Finlay & Hornswoggle – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Seriously? Hornswoggle is Finaly’s tag partner tonight? I have no problem with Hornswoggle being with Finlay, but NOT as his fucking TAG TEAM PARTNER. He shouldn’t be in matches. Ever. Bah. Unless it’s Wee LC. Then it’s ok .

*update* Well it’s been nearly TWO MONTHS since I first started this show . And all I did was write that first sentence . Now I have some alcohol so I’m hoping to get through the show this time lol.

Finlay and a Midget competing for the tag titles against 2 full grown men who are the tag champs. Yeah, ummm, are we HONESTLY supposed to believe that Miz & Morrison have the advantage in this match? Finlay would fucking MURDER the tag champs all by himself . Hell he DOES at a few points lol.

This was actually somewhat fun. Finlay rocks so that’s that. The Hornswoggle stuff was actually really well done too. Nothing worth watching, but if someone forced you to watch it, you wouldn’t want to shoot yourself after. And for a match involving THE JIZ, that’s all you can ever hope for .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Matt Hardy Vs Chavo Guerrero – United States Championship Match

Urgh, Chabo. But Matt Hardy is also in the match. Decision, decisions. Fine, I’ll watch it. Like I said, I have ALCOHOL to get me through the show .

Chabo botches a back body drop.

THE INNOVATIVE OFFENCE OF CHAVO GUERRERO~! fuck off Foley . Or maybe it was JR. I was too busy drinking at the time .

So Mr Chabo is working over the leg and knee of Hardy, and according to Foley, Chabo knows how to do that effectively because he was brought up in the business. Yeah, because that’s the only way to learn how to work a body part…

Thankfully Hardy is an awesome seller so he keeps this match somewhat interesting.

Wanna know something I HATE? Aside from Chabo, obviously. When someone goes for a top rope move and “rolls through” because his opponent avoided it. Which actually means they don’t even ATTEMPT the ACTUAL FUCKING MOVE, then just do a fucking roll off the ropes and it looks downright RETARDED. Even the great Eddie Guerrero would do it from time to time too. It just looks worse when Chabo does it .

Hardy struggles to adjust to only having one leg in this match (because the other is hurting, he hasn’t turned into Zach Gowen all of a sudden. I’m not THAT drunk… yet), and keeps TRYING to his his usual high flying offence but either had to make adjustments mid move that aren’t as effective as he’d like, or Chabo counters by going to the leg. Good stuff .

Chabo goes for the Three Amigos aka LOOK AT ME I’M RELATED TO EDDIE, but Hardy counters the third one into a Twist of Fate and covers for the win!!!

Fine match, and Chabo hate aside, you really could have replaced him with ANYONE ELSE doing basic leg work and have Hardy sell and shit, because he was the driving force here.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

they replay a segment from Raw… and it’s the bit when Vince gets killed by the stage during that Million Dollar give away thing . What was that shit even all about, anyway? Did anything get… solved?

 

Mark Henry Vs Kane Vs The Big Show – ECW Championship Match

BATTLING BEEFIES .

Ok, was too busy ENJOYING THE FUCK out of this to bother typing shit lol. SO much fun. 3 BEEFIE BASTARDS BATTLING for the ECW Title. What’s NOT to love? Beating the ever loving shit out of each other, and doing things that you wouldn’t expect guys of this size to be capable of. It rocks all kinds of shit.

And to top it all off… HENRY wins the title . MOTN. I don’t care what else is on the show. I doubt it’ll beat THIS.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Batista interview. EVE TORRES . I miss Eve. She was awesome as the evil corporate sellout.

 

Cena shows up. Then Punk shows up and says he hopes both guys win the titles tonight and bring them back to raw cos his briefcase is getting heavy.

 

Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly Vs Ted DiBiase & ??? – World Tag Team Championship Match

Lillian looking HOT as per usual .

DiBiase has a mystery tag partner… but nobody knows who it is!!!

Match starts, and Cody DDT’s Holly straight away . Million Dollar Dream into a… neckbreaker and DiBiase & Rhodes win the titles!!!

Anyone else kinda wonder what things would have been like had Holly turned on Rhodes to team with DiBiase?

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Chris Jericho Vs Kofi Kingston – WWE Intercontinental Championship

Kofi is Jericho’s surprise opponent . What a let down .

“Controlled Frenzy” needs to be removed from existence.

So, this was a match.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Mickie James Vs Katie Lea Burchill – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Nah, I’ll pass.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Edge Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Thanks to the draft (I… think), both major titles are now on Smackdown, so Batista is here to try and bring the WHC back with him to Raw. If he loses, he doesn’t get another shot at Edge. Man, feels like I’ve written that for every match these two have had together .

BATISTA IS A POUNDER~! Just ask Melina .

So Batista throws Edge around for a while until Edge smashes Batista’s shoulder into the ring post and blah blah blah. God I’m so sick of seeing these guys wrestle. They had like a billion matches in 07 and now they’re back at it in 08.

NECK BREAKER. THAT’S A WRESTLING MANOEUVRE~! Huh, seems JR gave up when he got drafted to SD as a surprise .

Fuck me this is just awful. But I guess it gives us a new drinking game. Take a shot every time someone takes a bump into the turnbuckle.

Batista is about to win, so Vickie and the Edge Heads show up and start screwing around breaking up pins and knocking out the referee. Vickie demands a new ref come down and… it’s Chabo. Wanna make an Edge Vs Batista match WORSE? Add Chabo to it!!!

Edge wins. I lose.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

Well, Batista failed, so it’s up to SUPER CENA to bring home a title to Raw.

Haven’t seen this match since it aired. Haven’t really cared to go out of my way to see it again tbh lol. Which is a little odd as I’ve always liked their WM 22 match, and most people do say this is the better match between them.

Shades of WM 22 early on with HHH “out-wrestling” Cena and then telling him to SUCK IT. Ahhh, remember WM 22 with both HBK and HHH referencing DX in their matches, teasing a potential reunion? What a fun time. And then they DID reunite. What a shitty time.

Cena SALUTES HHH AS RETALIATION FOR THE CROTCH CHOP EARLIER . I… I don’t think that’s EVER an insult John… well, maybe when you do it as shitty as you do. Learn to fucking salute you pleb!

This match is about half way in now and it’s been very back and forthy. HHH will control, then Cena will control, then HHH will control, and all the while I just don’t care. Fuck me, Cena goes for his 5 MOVES OF DOOM at one point and oh boy, it might be the single worst execution of the whole thing EVER. Cena’s offence looks awful. More so than usual. And HHH sells it like he’s the worst wrestler ever. Sure he’s not usually a great wrestler, but I wouldn’t call him the worst ever. Anyway, it all looked like shit from both guys.

Huh, HHH’s leg is hurt. I must have dozed off cos buggered if I know how he hurt it .

Cena doing leg work. This is fun. Wanna know what else is just as fun? Eye stabbing.

Pedigree.

Punch exchange.

Yey Boo crowd thing.

STFU.

Crossface.

Bite.

My.

Shiny.

Daffodil.

Ass.

Pedigree.

This is mercifully over.

And people think this is better than their WM match? Are they all high? Or stupid? Or stupid and high?

This is dull and shitty.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4.5

 

One Night Stand Extreme Rules 2008

 

Just like Vengeance Night of Champions from 07, this PPV gets TWO names! Why? Because WHY NOT?

 

Jeff Hardy Vs Umaga – Falls Count Anywhere Match

I wonder if this is the match I seem to think it is. If it is, it has the dumbest finish ever, and a bunch of shit before it .

Umaga? SMASH!

Well, the seem to be battling away from the ring… which makes it likely to be the match I remember.

Jeff Hardy threw a fucking plastic traffic cone at Umaga, and Umaga just fires back with a kick to the face, because who the fuck would get hurt by that?

Oh god here it comes… Jeff slides down the stair rail and clotheslines Umaga. Just… no.

They spend some time throwing each other into walls and onto tables and it all looks like shit. It’s basically them slapping objects with their hands as they pretend to hit their head on shit.

Outside now, and yeah, it most definitely IS the match I was expecting.

That was the finish. And we are supposed to believe that Umaga fell on concrete and Hardy dove off onto him.

Hate everything about this.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

CM Punk Vs John Morrison Vs Chavo Guerrero Vs Tommy Dreamer Vs The Big Show – Spingapore Cane Match

YES! I forgot this match was on THIS show. If I don’t find it fun any more, then I truly do have no soul.

BIG SHOW VS THE WORLD . And the world is losing!!! Big Show totally rules in this kind of environment.

Everyone kicking the shit out of Big Show . In punk and Morrison’s case, it was quite literally KICKING .

With Big Show… kinda down, everyone else climbs the ropes and grabs a cane! 4 on 1 cane action!!!

Chabo decks… some sports dude in the crowd with a cane . Punk hands him a cane and lets him get some revenge on Chabo!!! I don’t know who the fuck that guy is, but he’s the most awesome sports guy ever for beating up Chabo! Well, not quite as awesome as Ricky Hatton when he knocked out Chabo at a Raw taping I went to .

The Jiz shows up to save Morrison from getting murdered by Show, and gets taken out . Show picks up the steel steps… but ends up going head first into them instead!

Everyone in the ring is trying to kill everyone else with a cane . My god this is so fucking fun. Even though I don’t like most of the guys in the match! Let’s face it, if you can’t have a fun match by hitting people with a stick then you suck at pro-wrestling.

FUCK ME Big Show has a HUGE gash in his head. I seem to remember that he legitimately fucked himself up on that steel steps spot. But it makes for great TV (or rather, PPV) so .

The giant is bleeding, and that’s BAD NEWS for everyone else cos he’s angry as fuck .

Bam Neely, that nobody who was with Chabo for a while, gets decked first. Jiz next. Then Morrison .

SPANKING CM PUNK LIKE A SCHOOL BOY~! I don’t even wanna ask where that came from, Adamle…

EVERYONE IS DEAD~! Big Show is awesome.

Dreamer gets chokeslammed, then Show helps him to his feet again and applauds… then grabs a cane, smiles, and cracks Tommy in the head . The Big Show doesn’t just win this match, he DOMINATES it .

Better than every original ECW match ever.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

JBL Vs John Cena – First Blood Match

Huh, totally don’t remember this match ever existing. I remember their I Quit match in 05, and their parking lot brawl from the 08 GAB… but this? No idea.

Match starts with both men exposing… a turnbuckle .

First blood matches are kinda dumb really, aren’t they? Like, in real life, a couple of punches to the face at most and the other guy is gonna be busted wide open .

what the fuck??!

JBL is concentrating on Cena’s head, which is pretty much what everyone does in these types of matches. Nice punches from John, and love his BIG BOOT .

Watching JBL hit Cena in the head can only be fun for so long before it gets… boring. Then Cena makes a small comeback and tries… an F-U. Because THAT will bust Cena open… fecking moron.

Fuck me. Cena gets the chance to take a break and get a weapon to aid him… and what does he get? Steel chair? Metal pipe? NOPE. A fucking microphone. Dumbshit.

EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~! Aaaand it fails to bust Cena open. Ah well. What a waste of time.

JBL goes for a Clothesline from Hell. THAT ISN’T GOING TO WIN YOU THE MATCH YOU BLEB.

Now, a steel chain wrapped in his towel that he brings to the ring? That’ll work! Though why hide it? Why wait until now to use it?

F-U~! And somehow JBL ISN’T BLEEDING. I’m shocked. And I know all of you are too.

now JBL has a fucking BULL WHIP . And instead of using it, what does JBL do? Walks over to Cena and gets close enough to be kneed in the balls.

STFU WITH THE CHAIN~! Referee rings the bell and at first I thought he got confused but apparently JBL is bleeding from the mouth.

I think I need to be hit in the head with a metal object so I forget this match.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Batista and Orton are backstage talking. Orton is trying to convince Batista to join him should they both get drafted to the same show in a few weeks. Batista just walks off .

 

Beth Phoenix Vs Melina – I Quit Match

A diva I Quit match? Huh. I think I’ll give this one a go, see what it’s like.

one of Melina’s paparazzi falls over .

Beth gets in Melina’s face at the start to try and intimidate her, so Melina shoves her away and locks in a guillotine choke submission! She ain’t going down easy (this time, anyway )!!!

Beth powers the fuck out of the submission though and now she’s starting to work over Melina .

Melina keeps fighting back and locks in an awesome submission that I can’t remember the name of . Beth just looks fucking ANGRY and drags them both to the ropes to break the hold .

ASK HER~!

the referee asking Beth to KEEP IT CLEAN. In a fucking I QUIT MATCH .

THE ARM HAS BEEN BARRED~!

Damn, Beth is fucking insane. Mauling Melina here, and it rules .

MELINA KICKS BETH IN THE ARSE AND SENDS HER SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE RING POST~!

Arm work by Melina!

Beth keeps trying to power out, but Melina turns it into a cross arm breaker instead!!!

And it ends up getting reversed into a RUNNING POWERBOMB . Beth is a fucking POWERHOUSE. And Melina is great at taking these bumps and making everything look BRUTAL.

GLAM SLAM~! I think? And from there she grabs her head and bends Melina BACKWARDS . Melina tries to hold on, but ends up HAVING to quit.

Man, what a match!!! Might actually be one of the best I Quit matches in the company’s history.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

MICKIE JAMES~! Bah, it’s that stupid Cena love story thing they tried lol. ADAMLE~! He burst out of the bathroom and ruins the private time for Cena and Mickie .

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Batista – Stretcher Match

Shawn retired Flair at WM. Batista was pissed off. They had a match. HBK faked an injury to win. Batista was more pissed off. So now they are having a stretcher match.

Right from the start, Batista uses his POWAH to take control of HBK. I like how the first thing he does on the outside is remove the padding from the stretcher. He HATES Shawn Michaels right now, so he doesn’t want any padding to save HBK from some PAIN .

Fuck me, less than 5 minutes into the match and HBK is pissing me off . He manages to get Batista down, then spends a stupid amount of time playing with the steel steps… only to sit Batista on one part of them in the end so he can RAM THE STETCHER INTO HIM. Oh and he put the padding back on before he did it .

Second straight match to feature the guillotine choke submission . At least THAT was a smart move from Shawn; make Batista pass out and then wheel him over the line.

SPINEBUSTER ON THE APRON . Sure, Kevin Owen’s apron Powerbomb looks better and more brutal, but the SPINEBUSTER was still awesome.

Wow, who is that referee? I can’t remember his name, but damn, he is looking FAT here lol.

Shawn is setting up Sweet Chin Music, but pretty much just RUNS at Batista, so it was obvious as fuck it was getting countered .

Batista attempts a Batista Bomb over the ropes, but Shawn escapes, hits the superkick, and THE ANIMAL falls out of the ring right onto the stretcher!!!

HBK tries his best to take advantage of the superkick, but try as he might, Batista is too ANGRY AND POWERFUL.

BATISTA BOMB~!

Batista places HBK on the stretcher, but CHRIS JERICHO shows up to try and MOTIVATE the Heart Break Kid! Shawn gets off the stretcher!!! This match is continuing!!!

HBK tries a Super Kick but he’s too fucked to do any damage. Pretty awesome moment to be honest.

I DON’T LOVE YOU, AND I’M NOT SORRY .

BATISTA BOMB PART II~!

Shawn is DONE, but again Jericho shows up to “motivate” his “friend” to try and continue the match!!! SPINEBUSTER ON THE STEEL STEPS~! This time is IS over!!!

Ya know what, I really liked this. I don’t remember my thoughts on the match before, but I have a feeling I probably didn’t think much of it on last watch. But this time I loved it. Batista was getting revenge for his friend Flair being retired at WM and revenge for himself for being screwed in the previous match against Shawn. He fucking KILLS Shawn. The Jericho stuff was good too, setting up their big feud.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match

These two men seem to love having LMS matches against each other. And they tend to turn out well too, which is surprising considering how much they tend to SUCK in matches against each other.

This match though? Well… ummmm… just wait and see .

Orton gets thrown into the steel steps about 10 seconds into the match and looks to have hurt is shoulder. Probably just Orton selling it really well .

SHOULDER RIGHT INTO THE STEEL POST~!

SHOULDER RIGHT INTO THE STEEL POST AGAIN~!

Damn, HHH looks like he genuinely wants to injure Orton’s shoulder in this match .

Orton mounts some offence, then goes for an RKO on the floor… but HHH counters by pushing him shoulder first into the ring post!!! That poor shoulder of Orton. If HHH isn’t careful he’s gonna fuck it up for real .

RKO~! NO! TRIPLE H COUNTERED AND SENT ORTON TO THE OUTSIDE~! ORTON LANDS ON HIS SHOULDER~! Aaaand breaks his collar bone . I know it’s not “funny” but fuck me, HHH was out to destroy that shoulder the entire match, and accidentally does it for real .

SLEDGEHAMMER~! Orton is dead. Match is over.

Well, it’s a shame the injury had to happen and they had to improvise a finish, because before the injury this was fecking GREAT. I mean really fucking great. HHH was out to kill Orton and everything he did looked nasty and awesome. Orton sold well, and everything he did looked great too. I also like that for a LMS match, the first count came from a DDT ON THE FLOOR and not a shitty scoop slam or some bullshit that everyone knows would never end the match unless it was a scoop slam off a fucking building through 10 tables. So yeah, real shame it had to end like it did because another 10 minutes of this and it could have easily topped their No Mercy 07 match.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship TLC Match

If The Undertaker loses, he will be BANISHED FROM THE WWE~! So, no way he’s losing, right?

*sigh*

This match, man. This match. Never liked it. Even watching it live I was able to call the spots before they happened. When a match is THAT obvious then something is wrong lol.

Undertaker setting up a bunch of tables together piled on top of each other. Bet we won’t see that come back to haunt him later on in the match . Seriously, what is the logic, kayfabe wise, behind stacking tables up?

Ok, so TWO ladders are in the ring. Set up flat on opposite turnbuckles. Instead of like, USING ONE OF THEM… Undertaker goes outside for a THIRD LADDER to set up and climb in an attempt to win the fucking match. BUT ITS OK COS THE OTHER LADDERS WAS USEDED IN TEH SPOTZ~! Fuck right off.

Undertaker has a look on his face just after that like “why the fuck did I agree to this match?” . Kinda wish Undertaker was only involved in the ONE ladder match. Would be much better for his legacy to have one awesome ladder match in his 30+ year career rather than one awesome ladder match and this utter shite TLC bollacks.

Edge just hit Undertaker with a SPEAR. His FINISHER. In the middle of the ring. Right next to a ladder that is set up. So what does Edge do? PUSHES THE LADDER OVER. If hitting your finisher isn’t a good time to climb a ladder that is ALREADY SET UP then I don’t know what is.

Edge’s jobber friends show up to help out when Edge gets Chokeslammed on a ladder. At least SIX tables are already set up outside. So what do they do? Get TWO MORE from under the ring. I swear this match was designed for no other reason than to annoy me.

Ahh, well at least we know why ONE of the tables wasn’t brought into the ring… Undertaker had to chokeslam someone through it!

Wow and another of those tables gets used up too! Phew, good job the jobber guys didn’t grab those instead, huh? Would have COMPLETELY ruined the SPOTZ~!

While Undertaker is dealing with those jobbers, Edge takes this opportunity to… set up 2 stacked tables… right next to the ladder he climbs up afterwards. OMG WHAT A SURPRISE UNDERTAKER GIVES HIM A LAST RIDE OFF THE LADDER THROUGH THE STACKED TABLES!!! FUCK. OFF. NOW.

More Edge jobber friends show up. Unsure how Undertaker is gonna deal with them because there are no more tables set up… except for those 4 stacked up but I have a feeling those are for later .

Undertaker takes care of the other jobbers… then climbs a ladder that isn’t exactly under the belt. In fact, it’s a little too close to the ropes… near those stacked tables. Hmmm… I wonder…

Oh, Edge knocks Undertaker off the ladder and through the stacked tables and wins the belt and Undertaker has to leave the WWE until SummerSlam.

My least favourite Undertaker match ever. Or at least it’s tied with the HIAC against Bossman in 1999.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 13

 

The Great American Bash 2008

 

JBL is poopy.

 

John Morrison & The Miz Vs Curt Hawkins & Zack Rider Vs Jesse & Festus Vs Finlay & Hornswoggle – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Seriously? Finlay teaming with the midget? He’d have been better going into this alone…

FESTUS VS HORNSWOGGLE stare down at the start. Bah, Hornswoggle just dives on Jiz and Morrison and we don’t get the epic showdown .

Ah well, Festus beating the shit out of Jiz. That’s fun .

Lol, Finlay tags himself in via Festus and gets booted in the fucking FACE .

Foley is just ripping Jiz to shreds on commentary .

I watched Foley’s live show thingy on the Dub Dub Eee Network a couple of weeks back. Was kinda shitty outside of JIZ JOKES. No, not actual Jiz, but Miz as Jiz.

oh man, Finlay takes down Jiz and starts punching him in the face and Foley starts marking the fuck out .

Finlay fucking ROCKS here. He literally is wrestling the match as a handicap match, and so far he’s been dominated by Jix and Morrison and now Hawkins and Ryder, but he just keeps firing back with shots to the face and even gets a couple of big moves in too! He’s just a scrappy Irish Bastard who won’t give up!!!

HOT TAG TO HORNSWOGGLE~! And then Jesse tags himself in and gets booed to fuck .

Hawkins takes a cheap shot and punches Hornswoggle off the apron .

FESTUS HOT TAG . He’s owning EVERYONE . Clears the ring, tags in Jesse for a big top rope move, but Festus ends up being pulled under the ring and Jess knocked off the ropes, and Hawkins & Ryder end up becoming the new tag team champions!!!

All right, good start to the show! Fun match, with a great FIP from Finlay, and some awesome FIRE from Festus, and fun moments with Hornswoggle. Mainly him getting punched in the face .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Matt Hardy Vs Shelton Benjamin – United States Championship Match

Hmmm… this actually could be good. Hardy rocks, and Shelton has been capable of great matches here and there.

fans are fucking SUPER into this. A nice lengthy “let’s go Hardy, let’s go Shelton” chant . Shelton is doing rather good at being a vicious cunt early on too. That probably helps the fans get behind Hardy as much as they are atm.

Shelton tries to work over Hardy’s back, but Hardy is still able to make a big comeback until he gets caught flying off the top rope right into a fucking CORNER POWERBOMB .

Nice job by Shelton to continue to go after the back every time Hardy gains a little momentum.

Moonsault from Hardy but Shelton puts his knee up and Hardy goes EYE FIRST into the knee . PAY DIRT~! NEW US CHAMP!!!

Good mid-card title match… though the back work did end up being useless as it took a knee to the eye and Pay Dirt to end it .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Mark Henry Vs Tommy Dreamer – ECW Championship Match

IT’S HENRY TIME!!!

LOL Colin Delany. Remember him? Hopefully you don’t .

HENRY TRASH TALKING FOR THE MOMENT THE BELL RINGS .

Henry is murdering Dreamer and the fans are chanting boring. They all deserve to be SHOT IN THE BALLS OR VAGINA.

Colin turns on Dreamer .

I enjoyed this a ton tbh. It was Henry just throwing Dreamer around and making him look like a weak, pathetic nobody . Turn at the end wasn’t needed because Henry was never in any real trouble lol.

Henry just STANDING on Dreamer and walking over him after he’s won is awesome. God, Henry is so fucking great.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Chris Jericho

Hmmm… hmmmmm hmmmm hmmmmm…

Honestly don’t remember the last time I saw this. Might have been the one time back in 08 when it happened. Either way, I don’t remember much outside of blood. Depending on who I talk to, I get a different opinion on this one. Either it’s fantastic with great story telling, or it’s utter shite with crappy story telling .

Shawn VERY SLOWLY tries to beat up Jericho. And by slowly I mean he spends like 30 seconds in between each punch .

Springboard dropkick and Shawn is out of this match it seems. He has bad ribs from… I don’t remember, and his eye is fucked too.

Oh look, a shitty submission hold by Jericho. How… pointless. What is Jericho’s purpose in this match?

Now Jericho is doing the “punch, wait 30 seconds, punch again” bit. Thing is, both men are throwing some good shots in this match… but doing it so damn slowly that it ends up looking like shit.

Fuck me, both guys just look so…. uncoordinated here. They’ve shown on occasion that they DO have good chemistry, but at the same time they just don’t click in a lot of their matches too. This is one of those matches.

Lance Cade shows up and immediately gets dropped. HBK does a super moonsault from the top rope to the floor and… ends up going in between both Cade and Jericho . Nice catch, guys. I thought HBK was the one with the injured eye in this match?

HBK is bleeding and not even the commentators know how/when it happened .

Jericho sees the blood and his reaction is so… CAMP .

A WILD ELBOW APPEARED~! Turns out that’s how HBK got busted open.

The referee keeps checking on Shawn, while Jericho and Cade work over the bad eye.

This continues for waaaay too long. Shawn tells the referee not to end the match. Jericho kicks him in the face a few more times… rinse and repeat.

Eventually the referee decides to stop the match. Yawn. I stopped caring by then.

Match is a mess.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge shows off the worst acting ever during an interview. And yet, he’s now an actor. He’s on some show my mum watches. Haven I think? Yeah that’s it.

 

Michelle McCool Vs Natalya – WWE Divas Championship Match

Remember when Natalya was more chunky and had ginger hair? Me either . Didn’t even recognise her lol.

So, this is to determine the FIRST EVER DIVAS CHAMPION.

SKIP~! .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

CM Punk Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Actually wasn’t that long ago I watched this match. Hadn’t seen it since it aired, and I can’t remember what we were discussing on the wrestling forum at the time, but I ended up being super interested in seeing this match lol.

Punk’s title reign… poor guy. They just kinda threw the belt on him and hoped that somehow he’d do well without decent opponents, booking, and being completely overshadowed by the likes of the HBK/Jericho feud and anything involving Cena.

Batista just countered a school boy pin WITH HIS ARSE.

Punk often gets laughed at for his worked kicks, but damn, he throws some great ones early on here. Helps that Batista just LET’S HIM connect .

Some decent back work from Batista, while Punk keeps trying to stay in the match by using quick kicks and high flying moves to ground the bigger, stronger opponent.

Big probs to Batista here too for selling really well. He takes those kicks to the head nicely and sells exhaustion from them real well too. While he does technically dominate a lot of this match, he still ends up making Punk look great on a number of occasions.

CM PUNK WITH AN ARMBAR USING THE ROPES~! Maybe he should do MMA with submission skills like that .

SPINEBUSTER ON THE FLOOR~!

And… then Kane shows up and attacks everyone. Because stuff.

Shame the finish was what it was, because if it wasn’t what it was and was something else instead, then it could have been a much better match overall .

Still, they did a great job before the finish.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 3

 

John Cena Vs JBL – Parking Lot Brawl

*sigh* the build up to this match. JBL is Poopy. Spray painted on the limo.

JBL.

IS.

POOPY.

At least JBL tries to legitimately kill Cena for it .

I like how JBL shows up to this match IN HIS SUIT . And then of course Cena shows up in his wrestling attire because I don’t think he owns any other clothes tbh.

Cena the cowardly superhero hides from JBL and tries to run HIM over. Way to turn the other cheek, John! What a good guy he is .

Cena electrocuting JBL’s balls ala Kane and Shane from 2003 .

Cena is fucking intent on murdering JBL for real here. He just threw a gas bottle or something as hard as he could at the man! Luckily JBL moved and the only thing that got destroyed was a CAR .

JBL fighting back . Threw Cena into a car door and it came off the hinges .

I wish WWE did other superstar t-shirts in the same design as the Cena one he’s wearing right now. It’s that Retro NES style one, and would look awesome without Cena on it .

DDT ON THE TOP OF A CAR~!

Cena kicks out at 2 .

CENA’S HEAD THROUGH A WINDOW~!

And now for some reason, JBL has thrown Cena into the back of a car and shut the door. OMG HE’S GONNA SET HIM ON FIRE~!

at the limo driver backing the fuck away in the limo after JBL gets the gas can . He ain’t staying around for that shit!!!

BAH GAWD MAN, DON’T DO IT. THERE’S A MAN INSIDE THAT CAR! HE HAS A FAMILY… OR NOT. WHATEVER.

THE CAR IS ON FIRE~! JOHN CENA IS BURNING ALIVE INSIDE THAT CA… awwww man, referee’s show up with fire extinguishers .

CENA NO SELLS FIRE .

And now Cena locks JBL in a car… YEY FORKLIFT TRUCK RIDE~!

I like how Cena just kinda KNOWS how to operate a fork lift truck. At least when Bryan used it on Kane that one time the commentators kept telling us that Bryan used to work in a warehouse so it made sense at least .

In fact, come to think of it, a LOT of wrestlers can drive fork lift trucks. And monster trucks. And cement trucks. Anything really.

Cena tries to set JBL up for an F-U off the stage onto a car… and JBL counters by launching CENA off the stage and right through the windscreen!

HOLY SHIT JBL WINS!!!

Man oh man, this is INSANE. It’s stupid, it’s hilarious, and it’s AWESOME AS FUCK. Had a blast with this one .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Triple H Vs Edge – WWE Championship Match

I’m confused… the build up video package thing seems to be making it out like we’re getting Edge Vs Vickie after Edge kissed Alicia Fox before marrying Vickie . HHH is just the guy that showed the video .

Oh hey, Eve . I miss Eve. She was HOT. Had a couple of good matches too!

I remember absolutely NOTHING about this match, other than I’m guessing HHH retains the belt at the end lol. This is the first, and I still think the only singles PPV match between these two men, right? Don’t recall them having many single matches at ALL, even on TV. Just a couple in 04/05 on Raw, and probably another sometime on SD around this time no doubt.

My god this is dull. They are just… going back and forth doing shit. Nothing interesting, no story… nothing. It’s like watching a CPU Vs CPU match on a WWE game.

Alicia Fox shows up towards the end of the match to try and help Edge until Vickie shows up and decks her .

Vickie looks to deck Edge with the WWE title, but ends up in a cat fight with Alicia… and gets SPEARED by Edge .

Oh look, a Pedigree. HHH retains.

What a giant load of fuck all.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

 

Unforgiven 2008

 

SCRAMBLE MATCHES!!! I really liked the concept back in the day, so I’m hoping I still do on a re-watch all these years later .

 

Matt Hardy Vs The Miz Vs Chavo Guerrero Jr Vs Mark Henry Vs Finlay – ECW Championship Scramble Match

5 guys in the match, 2 start off, every 5 minutes someone else enters. 20 minute time limit. Kinda like capture the flag in that whoever has the “ECW title” at the end is the winner and champion. None of the wins here count as title wins unless someone new ends up with the belt at the end. Understand? Good .

HENRY is the champion, and luckily for him he isn’t one of the 2 men starting off the match… but unlucky for me cos I wanna see Henry murder people for 20 minutes . Instead we’re stuck with the Jiz. Matt Hardy too though .

These two go back and forth, and meh, Jiz just doesn’t make me interested in anything that’s happening. He hits his finisher, and Hardy rolls to the floor and Jiz just screams “noooooo” like a baby.

Oh god Chabo is out next. He shows up, hits a Frog Splash on Hardy and is the “current champion” . Remember when they did this type of match for the Hardcore championship, and every reign ACTUALLY COUNTED?

SIDE EFFECT~! HARDY PINS CHABO~! HE’S THE CURRENT CHAMPION SORT OF KIND OF NOT REALLY BUT COULD BE IF HE DOESN’T GET PINNED ANY TIME SOON. DOES HE HAVE TO BE PINNED? I DON’T THINK HE DOES, RIGHT? RIGHT.

Fuck yes, FINALLY. Henry is coming to fuck shit up . Everyone in the ring decides to stick together to take out Henry. Because if they don’t, he’ll KILL EM.

Lol, Henry KILLS EM anyway .

Before HALL OF PAIN Henry, there was ECW HENRY. And it was just as fucking awesome. WORLD’S STRONGEST SLAM TO CHABO~! HENRY “REGAINS” HIS TITLE FOR THE TIME BEING!!!

Ahhh, is there any sweeter sound in the world than Chabo screaming in pain while Henry has him in a bear hug?

FINLAY . FINLAY AND HENRY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER .

HENRY CHASING A MIDGET . Second only to Undertaker’s dealings with Hornsoggle .

FINLAY PINS HARDY TO BECOME THE “CURRENT” CHAMPION!!! 3 and a half minutes left!!!

HARDY PINS JIZ~!

3 minutes left, and HENRY is back into the match looking to take his championship back! Boy, I would not want to be one of the other guys in the match!!!

The last minute and a half really does live up to the SCRAMBLE name as everyone is moving around hitting finishers and breaking up pins as they all desperately try to either win the belt or retain it .

The time runs out and MATT HARDY wins the ECW Championship!!!

Well, I’m a little disappointed in this tbh. I remember liking it a lot more, but the match was kinda dull before Henry and Finlay showed up. That’s what happens when you have JIZ AND CHABO in the match longer than talented wrestlers . But once Finlay and Henry showed up, it got FUN AS FUCK.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Cryme Tyme Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – World Tag Team Championship Match

Hmmm… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Chris Jericho – Non Sanctioned Match

Jericho socked Shawn’s wife RIGHT IN THE KISSER. So this match is happening. But not really because it ISN’T SANCTIONED.

Oh boy. I don’t think I’m ready for this. Their entire 08 series tends to get a LOT of love, but I’ve never liked the majority of it. This match included.

Well this starts off fun, so that’s good at least . Shawn is full of HATE~! and beats the shit out of Jericho with his boot and while on the outside at one point, absolutely DECKS Jericho in the face in what is probably the single greatest punch HBK has ever thrown.

Oh boy, it’s already started to go downhill . Right, so these two men HATE each other. I like HBK using his boot as a weapon. HBK going for a chair is good too. But really, if you are out to murder someone, WHY WOULD YOU GO UNDER THE RING, GET A TABLE AND SET IT UP? That was Jericho that did that btw, not HBK. HBK hasn’t gone retarded in this match… yet. There is still time .

Aaaaand the table doesn’t even get used. So it’s just sat there, waiting for later no doubt.

Urgh, they already did a TEASE GOING THROUGH THE TABLE spot. JUST PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE YOU FUCKS.

Wait, nevermind. HBK sucks at punching people in the face…

HBK choking the life out of Jericho… just to put him down for an elbow drop. FFS.

Then he goes for Sweet Chin Music and… decides not to connect. WHY? The commentators say it’s because it’s not “good enough” to end this thing and that Shawn isn’t done. HE DIDN’T HAVE TO FUCKING PIN HIM AFTERWARDS. Fuck me, what a god damn moron. SEE, I KNEW HBK WOULD GO ALL RETARDED.

CROSSFACE~!

HBK just went eye fist into the steel chair. REMEMBER THE EYE, KING! Fairly certain Lawler is familiar with injured eyes .

Non sanctioned match and Jericho is letting the referee stop him from ripping out Shawn’s eye. The referee should literally be there to ring the bell and nothing more.

Oh, NOW Jericho decides to tell the referee to fuck off… not when he’s ripping Shawn’s eye out, but when he’s using the Walls of Jericho.

Lance Cade shows up. Why on earth didn’t he show up at the START of the match? IT’S NON FUCKING SANCTIONED YOU TITS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?!?! come on ref, isn’t it obvious?

Well, the table finally gets used. Yawn. Cade takes on hell of a shot to the head with Sweet Chin Music though. Looked like it might have actually connected.

Finally some more HATE~! with HBK repeatedly smashing the chair down on Jericho. Aaaaand then he decides to do another table spot. GOD. DAMN. IT.

Oh fuck me it gets even more stupid. Shawn sets up LANCE on the table instead of Jericho. Until he sees Jericho moving around and remembers that he hates JERICHO and not so much Cade.

Elbow through the table and… HBK starts crying? Ok…

BELT WHIPPING~! That might have been nice nearer the beginning of the match… but when a few minutes earlier he was essentially whipping Jericho with a STEEL CHAIR… it just doesn’t have the same kind of impact tbh. This match is arse backwards.

The referee rings the bell because… Shawn is punching Jericho in the head too much. HBK wins. Ummm… what?

This match had potential. Really, it did. They DID do some good shit. But they nulified EVERYTHING good by doing double the amount of stupid shit. Seriously, how hard is it to have a HATE~! filled brawl?

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Jeff Hardy Vs Shelton Benjamin Vs The Brian Kendrick Vs MVP Vs Triple H – WWE Championship Scramble Match

Yey another scramble!!!

at the deafening silence for Shelton’s entrance .

CORNER POWERBOMB . Love that move. Glad Rollins uses it these days cos it wasn’t getting done like… at all for a while.

a double clothesline, but Hardy seems to ignore the fact he got hit too .

Woo, things about to pick up because THE Brian Kendrick is in da house!!!

Kendrick got SWAG. Wish him and Big Zeke were together for longer and did more. Was like a mini version of HBK & Diesel lol.

Twist of Fate and Hardy is the “current” champion. Booooo.

Kendrick lays around in the floor for a while and lets Shelton and Hardy go at it, and they do some fun stuff, especially the HUGE Pay Dirt from Shelton.

OMG KENDRICK IS BACK. SLICED BREAD #2. BRIAN KENDRICK IS THE CURRENT WWE CHAMPION!!! THE BRIAN KENDRICK!!! YES! YES! YES! YES!

MVP is next out and urgh. Just urgh. Fuck off MVP.

THE Brian Kendrick makes me love him even more when he blindsides MVP with a leg lariat to the fucking FACE while MVP is running for a Drive By kick .

Kendrick is on FIRE here, and the fans are really behind him at times too. He’s the champ atm and he’s doing everything in his power to make sure nobody else sneaks in a pin .

HHH is out last, and he has 5 minutes to win back his title from THE Brian Kendrick .

*sigh* in less than a minute, HHH takes everyone out and pins Kendrick. Way to go, Hunter…

TWIST OF FATE TO MVP~! And Hardy is once again the current champ. Booooo.

at the botched counter to Sliced Bread #2. Well done guys.

Oh ffs. HHH pins Kendrick AGAIN.

Then Hardy pins Kendrick while HHH is resting in the corner thinking he’s got this won . Not so much “Booooo” for that because it was hilarious.

15 second left… and HHH pins MVP. Hardy was inches away from HHH. Why didn’t he break it up? BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO PIN BENJAMIN. EVEN THOUGH HE WAS THE CHAMPION ALREADY. Fucking moron.

Well, this was better than I remembered it. More fun stuff from a SCRAMBLE match. No classics from the stipulation, but certainly fun!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Hey look, its CM Punk!!! He’s the WHC. Got a scramble match later in the night. Or not. He gets mauled by Legacy and his title is forfeited for no reason and he waits like 5 years to get revenge…

 

Maryse Vs Michelle McCool – WWE Divas Championship Match

I’ll pass.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

MIKE ADAMLE~! Announces that Punk likely won’t be in the main event tonight, but the match is still gonna happen even without him!

 

THE BIG SHOW~! He’s pissed at Vickie. THE UNDERTAKER . He’s pissed at Vickie too. BIG SHOW TURNS ON THE UNDERTAKER OMG I TOTALLY NEVER SAW THAT COMING WHATSOEVER THIS IS SO SHOCKING. Yeah, predictable, but an awesome segment and gave us one hell of a feud between the two .

 

Batista Vs JBL Vs Kane Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Scramble Match

JBL and Batista just beat the shit out of each other for 5 minutes . Then KANE shows up to join them!!!

Nothing fancy here, but it’s a ton of fun as 3 large men try to destroy each other. If you’re into that sort of thing then you’ll love this!

KANE IS THE CURRENT WHC!!!

MYSTERIO TIME!!!

He runs into the ring with some stupid Mohawk mask and Kane immediately punches him in the face. STOP LOOKING STUPID.

so fun to watch Mysterio run around and doing flips, only to run into Kane and get knocked the fuck down .

Batista and Rey work together a little until Rey tries to sneak a pin on him. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!! Oh wait… that isn’t for another year… nevermind.

Down to the final 5 minutes, and is CM Punk gonna show up? Nope. He’s dead or something. Instead we get… Jericho?

Jericho?

He can barely walk after his “match”, and he LOST it too. So why the FUCK is HE the replacement?

Wow, just realised that KANE is not only still the champion, but he’s the only guy with a pin so far!

FUCK ME. Batista killed Rey. KILLED HIM DEAD.

Why is KANE going for a pin? Why is the referee counting? Why is Bastista wasting energy kicking out? KANE IS ALREADY THE CHAMP.

SPINEBUSTER~! Batista is the current WHC with 30 seconds left!!!

Batista Bomb to Rey… and while he’s doing that, Jericho pins Kane and the clock is at 0! Jericho is the WHC .

Well this was better than I was expecting . ECW match is probably the best scramble of the night, but all 3 are super fun and the same rating too!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4

 

No Way Out 2008

 

The #1 Ramble was No Mercy 2008. The #101 Ramble is the beginning of the rest of 2008! I’m shocked I’ve made it this far haha.

 

Fake It by Seether is the PPV theme, and probably the only Seether song I’ve ever liked.

 

CM Punk Vs Chavo Guerrero – ECW Championship Match

Urgh, not a good way to start off the show. Chavo. Fuck off.

Ain’t even gonna attempt to watch this.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

MIKE ADAMLE INTERVIEW~! I hope he botches something .

 

HOW DID IT HAPPER? He botched!!!

 

Floyd Mayweather shows up. I forgot this was the PPV with THAT angle .

 

The Undertaker Vs Batista Vs Finlay Vs Big Daddy V Vs The Great Khali Vs MVP – World Heavyweight Championship #1 Contenders Elimination Chamber Match

a match involving Undertaker, FINLAY and Batista . Shame Khali and MVP bring it down. I like DBV though .

Undertaker and Batista kick this match off, as they add another chapter to their year long rivalry .

2 big bastards beating the fuck out of each other. RASSLIN’ don’t get much better than thiUs!

Undertaker is destroying Big Dave. Punching his face in, kicking his knees to shit, and occasionally standing on his throat. GOAT.

It’s time for another superstar to enter the match and it’s THE GREAT KHA… no wait it’s Big Daddy V. Someone apparently can’t operate a fecking LIGHT properly . YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!

Big Daddy V is yet another big bastard looking to beat the fuck out of the two big bastards already in the ring . Why couldn’t this just be a 4 way? Take out Khali and MVP and this would be fucking epic.

I used to have legitimate NIGHTMARES about Big Daddy V, back when he was Viscera. I would be running away from him at the warehouse I worked in at the time, and he was chasing me down and would eventually corner me to suffocate me to death with his FAT lol. I think it’s because I’m a little claustrophobic lol.

UNDERTAKER JUST SENT THROUGH THE DOOR AND TO THE FLOOR~! Wonder if that was supposed to happen lol.

BDV is fucking DOMINATING both Undertaker and Batista. That’s impressive .

Speaking of impressive… SPINEBUSTER TO BIG DADDY V~!

DDT ON THE STEEL FLOOR BY UNDERTAKER~! Big Daddy V is DEAD, and Batista steals the pin, eliminating the widest man in the match!!! Bah.

Just as he’s gone, we get stuck with The Great Khali of all fucking people. We went from a super fun FATTY to a giant useless twat. I swear he botches a fucking CHOP less than 30 seconds into the match.

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants .

KHALI BOMB~!

UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT!!!

Khali tries to pull a MOUNTAIN by squashing Batista’s head with his bare hands, but Khali ain’t no Strongman and he fails miserably.

OMG IT’S THAT SUBMISSION MANOEUVRE~!

Which submussion manoeuvre?

THAT SUBMISSION MANOEUVRE~!

Khali taps out! Yes! Yes! YES! YES!

FINLAY TIME .

He comes charging out of the pod and… runs right into a high knee from Undertaker .

A second running high knee sends Undertaker crashing and burning into the corner though! CELTIC CROSS~! But the DEAD MAN kicks out and continues on his quest to become the number 1 contender for the WHC at WM!!!

Can we just keep MVP locked in the pod? Not like anyone thought he would win lol. We currently have UNDERTAKER Vs FINLAY Vs BATISTA. We don’t need nobody else!

Finlay is mauling the Dead Man! And it’s fucking awesome, because both guys are awesome. AWESOME. Did I mention awesome? No? Because like, it is. And they are. AWESOME.

Undertaker gets smashed through one of the pods . Man, Undertaker has taken one hell of a fucking beating in this match so far! And he’s still on his feet fighting back!

Ha, MVP seems to be trying to take my advice by staying in his pod . But Undertaker breaks in and rapes his face. With his fist.

THERE’S THAT KICK!!! What kick? THAT KICK! Well, this match is full of moves with no names!

I believe it’s called the drive by though. And I’m not sure, but I does believe it had that name for some time BEFORE this event. LOL.

BLOOD~! No PG shit here! Undertaker is bleeding from the head, and keeps demanding that MVP punch him in the face! MVP realises that his punches aren’t worth shit, and tries to escape by climbing on top of a pod. Big mistake. CHOKESLAM FROM THE POD~! Finlay steals the pin and MVP is GONE .

Back to an epic triple threat . Also, Undertaker is technically responsible for eliminating EVERYONE so far. His DDT to BDV allowed Batista to pin him. He tapped out Khali. And then the chokeslam allowed Finlay to eliminate MVP.

Hornswoggle’s head shows up from a small gap in one of the corners, hands Finlay the Sheleighly and… Finlay ends up with a chokeslam on the steel . Undertaker with ANOTHER elimination!!!

Down to the final 2, and its back to where we started; Undertaker Vs Batista . God I love simple shit like this, when they work off a previous feud. They battled through 2007, Edge ended up getting involved and stealing the title from them both, and now to gain a shot at Edge for the belt they have to go through each other again .

Crowd are super into this whole thing .

BATISTA BOMB~!

Batista is heading to WM!!!

1…

2…

KICK OUT!!! KICK OUT! BAH GAWD THE UNDERTAKER KICKED OUT~!

*sigh* Obvious corner Last Ride set up. Thankfully that isn’t the finish .

The ACTUAL finish is fucking

The Undertaker fucking OWNED this match. Either personally eliminating people or performing the move that would get someone eliminated. He’s going to WM and it’s more than deserved!!!

Awesome chamber match. Not even MVP or Khali could stop it being awesome!!!

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Teddy Long bans the EDGEHEADS from ringside tonight. Whatever.

 

Some weird Baywatch parody with Kelly Kelly and a fat guy. In the end Mae Young makes out with him instead. This was to advertise WM. I don’t get it.

 

And then a video showing Maria and Ashley at a Playboy party. Ashley is trying to convince Maria to pose for Playboy. Times sure have changed lol.

 

Ric Flair Vs Mr Kennedy – Career Threatening Match

If Flair loses, he must retire! A month before WM. Because that’s totally what would happen .

Kennedy does Flair’s strut. Not the first time he’s impersonated a professional wrestler .

Flair has a bad wheel coming into this match, so Kennedy focuses on that, which is smart. FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK AROUND THE RING POST~! Always love that version of the move . Even when Kennedy does it.

Kennedy is… well he’s just there when it comes to offence. Basic leg work mainly. But Flair is awesome . At one point, in a normal Figure Four, he’s screaming in pain and biting his fucking HANDS to take his mind off his leg pain. Flair showing that even a month away from “retirement”, he’s still a billion times better than Kennedy!

Figure Four on Kennedy, and Flair keeps his career for a little while longer.

This isn’t awful… it’s just… a TV opener match at best, not something that should be on PPV.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Edge Vs Rey Mysterio – World Heavyweight Championship Match

A rematch from the RR. And this time Rey is injured. Yey…

Floyd Mayweather is at ringside. Was he a cunt back then too? Always a cocky bastard yeah, but he beats his wife now too, right? Urgh. No wonder the fans were behind THE BIG SHOW at WM.

Rey is trying to keep his injured arm away from Edge, while someone building some offense. What’s worse is that it’s his RIGHT arm that’s fucked.

It isn’t long before Mysterio gets caught and goes arm first into the steel steps. Ah well, you tried, Rey .

Nothing much happens, and then they repeat the finish from the RR. Yawn. Might have been fun had Rey not been injured.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Thankfully though, the AFTERMATH of this match is fucking . THE BIG SHOW RETURNS! AND HE’S SLIMMED DOWN!!! He acts like a good guy and then… tries to kill Rey .

 

FLOYD MAYWEATHER GETS IN THE RING. HE PUNCHES THE SHIT OUT OF BIG SHOW!!! BIG SHOW IS BLEEDING AND CHASES AFTER FLOYD, WHO IS LITERALLY RUNNING FOR HIS FUCKING LIFE .

 

This was a tremendous, awesome segment, and set up one hell of a super fun match at WM .

 

 

Randy Orton Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

.

Yes, I didn’t put that in by mistake. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO A CENA VS ORTON MATCH!!!

So, some backstory on this match. Cena and Orton were feuding from SummerSlam onwards in 2007. Cena got injured. In his absence, Orton won the title. Cena returned (very) early at the RR and won. And he ain’t gonna wait for WM… he wants Orton NOW! Sorry, he wants Orton at NWO!!!

Cena is back and wants his title. While Orton NEEDS to beat Cena. He is the champion, but he didn’t win it by beating Cena. He has to beat Cena to prove to HIMSELF that he is the better man.

Early on, Cena keeps going for quick pins, seemingly to mess with Orton psychologically. He knows that Orton is determined to BEAT HIM here tonight, and every time Cena gets a 2 count, he’s telling Orton that he’s only 1 away from LOSING to him instead.

Nice to see Orton and Cena wrestle and the fans being vocal about the match but in a POSITIVE way lol.

Orton takes a while to really get going, but when he does, he’s vicious as fuck .

However, no matter how VICIOUS Orton seems to be, Cena just won’t stay down. They end up battling on the floor, and nearly get counted out!

at Orton’s face after the both charge into the ring to break the 9 count. He looks like he’s thinking “WHAT THE FUCK, JOHN? YOU NEARLY GOT COUNTED OUT. I WANT TO BEAT YOU PROPERLY YOU FUCK” .

Again, Orton regains control, but Cena is like the fucking TERMINATOR. STFU, and Orton barely makes it to the ropes. It’s here when he realises that perhaps he CAN’T beat Cena, and demands the referee counts him out! Cena comes out to see what the fuck is happening and… walks into an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

Orton looks pleased with himself, almost like it was his plan all along. Ok, so he wasn’t able to keep Cena down for a pin or make him submit, but maybe he can still BEAT Cena via countout!

The ref gets to 9… and Cena makes it back in!!!

And then it happens. One of the greatest DQ endings of ALL TIME. Orton smiles at Cena, then SLAPS THE REFEREE!!! He is DQ’d, and technically loses the match, but fuck it, he’s STILL THE CHAMPION!!!

Love the fuck out of this match still. It isn’t a wrestling holds clinic, but it has a wonderful story that keeps evolving as the match goes on, and the finish is fucking perfect.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Triple H Vs Shawn Michaels Vs Chris Jericho Vs JBL Vs Umaga Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE Championship #1 Contenders Elimination Chamber Match

HBK and Jericho start this match off. The first chamber match tonight started off with 2 men who had just feuded for the better part of the previous year. This time it’s starting with 2 people who would go on to feud for the better part of the current year!!!

Sweet counter to the elbow drop by Jericho, who gets his knees up, forcing HBK to smash his elbows into Jericho’s knees! In reality though, Jericho’s knees would also be fucked .

YOUMANGA is the first man to be released from his pod!

DOUBLE SAMOAN DROP~!

HBK is bleeding and… I have NO IDEA when it happened .

WALLS OF JERICHO AND CROSSFACE APPLIED TO UMAGA AT THE SAME TIME~!

JBL comes in and throws some nice punches.

HHH is out next. Man, this match so far has NOTHING on the first one. I’m finding bugger all to write about lol.

Umaga gets thrown head first into the steel post! Clothesline from Hell to HHH! Code Breaker to JBL, and he is the first to be eliminated! Most exciting part of the match so far .

JBL is PISSED that he lost, and returns to the ring with a steel chair and murders everyone!!!

Yey now everyone is bleeding and hurt and very slowly trying to stand up. THAT’LL MAKE THINGS INTERESTING.

Hardy is the final man to be released from his POD~! Maybe he can add some excitement to this one.

He spends about 30 seconds of the first minute he’s in the match in the air! He’s flying around all over the place, until Umaga kicks his fucking head off .

BLACK HOLE SLAM FROM THE MONSTER ABY… UMAGA!

UMAGA SMASHED JERICHO THROUGH A POD WITH HIS ARSE~!

SUPERKICK TO UMAGA! CODE BREAKER! PEDIGREE! SWANTON BOMB FROM THE TOP OF A POD! UMAGA IS ELIMINATED~!

SUPERKICK TO JERICHO! JERICHO IS ELIMINATED~!

TWIST OF FATE TO HBK! PEDIGREE! HBK IS ELIMINATED~!

Lol, most fun part of this match has been 3 eliminations in a row within like a minute .

Hardy misses a Swanton and gets Pedigreed, and THE GAME is going to WM… NO!!! HARDY KICKED OUT! HARDY KICKED OUT!!! I HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT WAS THE FINISH!!!

Twist of Fate gets reversed and Hardy gets smashed back first onto the steel chair, then gets Pedigreed on it!

AND NOW HHH GOES TO WM!

Meh. Not too bothered about this match. I remember it being better. But honestly it was kinda dull outside of the eliminations that mostly happened all at once.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12.5