Category: Written Reviews

 

No Way Out 2007

 

JBL goes on an insane USA tirade when Cole tries to introduce the Spanish announcers lol.

 

Wonderful, Cole has a sore throat. His voice is annoying enough without this.

 

Chris Benoit & The Hardy Boys Vs MNM & MVP

Plenty of talent in this match! MVP is here too. Should have replaced him with Melina. Would be better.

Speaking of Melina… DAMN. Smoking hot!

JBL goes insane when Benoit gets tagged in, and hypes up how great he is and claims the entire match is gonna change. Aaaand then MVP gains control over Benoit after about 5 seconds .

DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX~! Benoit just German Suplexed BOTH MNM at the same time! Oh btw this is all happening right at the end of the match . Literally nothing to talk about until that point .

Match isn’t bad. Not in the slightest… it’s just… a basic tag match. Heels control, hot tag, finishing stretch. Nothing out of the ordinary, no big bumps, no shocking moments. Just a solid tag that could easily have been on Smackdown rather than the PPV.

oh yeah, and Nitro somehow manages to take a BACK BUMP from an attempted BULLDOG by Matt .

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Hornswoggle thinks little people are scary . Finlay… throws him in a dumpster. And then he gets attacked by the mini boogeyman.

 

Scotty 2 Hotty Vs Daivari Vs Gregory Helms Vs Funaki Vs Shannon Moore Vs Jimmy Wang Yang Vs Jamie Noble Vs Chavo Guerrero – Cruiserweight Championship Open Match

Basically a gauntlet match.

so they put Daivari over at the start of the match, as he actually BEAT the CW Champ, Helms, on SD the week before. Aaaand then about 2 minutes later Scotty 2 Hotty beats him with the WORM .

Speaking of Helms, he’s out next. CODE BREAKER~!

Man, the CW division was pretty dire at this point wasn’t it?

Funaki gets pinned in about 10 seconds. They might as well have not booked him on the show lol.

Code Breaker to Moore. Wow this match so far is a whole bunch of NOTHING.

The crowd are into this match just as much as me. They are silent, btw. In case you couldn’t figure it out…

Huh, Wang Yang just eliminated Helms. And… the match isn’t even over yet?

JAMIE NOBLE~! Are these two the last guys in the match? Which means one of these two are gonna be the NEW CW champ? Well at least they used up all the trash early on in the match .

Bought a new lamp today. It’s pretty cool. With an LED bulb, which supposedly lasts 20 years. As someone who went through a pack of bulbs a month with my previous… 5 or 6 lamps lol… it’ll be interesting to see if the LED bulb can live up to expectations .

Urgh, Chavo is in this match too. Guessing he wins? Yeah, he wins. Urgh.

What a boring, total NOTHING match that took the belt off Helms, who held it for over a year, in the most underwhelming way ever.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Finlay & Hornswoggle Vs The Boogeyman & The Little Boogeyman

…

I’m actually skipping a FINLAY match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

King Booker Vs Kane

It just gets worse.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Paul London & Bryan Kendrick Vs Deuce & Domino – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

So this is another of the many “new tag team shows up and immediately gets a title shot and wins” scenario that WWE seems to love for whatever reason. God forbid they ever try and build a team up first.

Cole’s voice is getting worse and worse. Urgh. Why put a guy on commentary who can’t talk very well? HIS ONLY JOB IS TO TALK AND HE CAN BARELY DO IT.

Fuck me, did I honestly think JBL was awesome on commentary during his first run in 06/07? I remember being so excited when he came back, then quickly got sick of him saying the same old shit. He was literally NO DIFFERENT back during this time too. He’s as annoying here as he is on any current show. Cole too. It’s just awful and them rambling about useless shit is taking me out of this match (which might not be a bad think since it’s D&D in there, but still…).

Huh, London and Kendrick retain. Honestly thought this was when D&D won the belts lol. Guess that showed me .

If I had skipped this, I wouldn’t have missed anything.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Bobby Lashley Vs Mr Kennedy – ECW Championship Match

Urgh. I guess I’ll give it a watch, what with it being a brand title match and all. Kennedy cuts a cringe worthy promo before the match, then Lashley shows up, mumbles, and I *think* punches Kennedy… but it might have been a push. Either way it looked awful and shitty .

Boy is this dull. Should have been the tagline for the show. “WWE No Way Out 2007: Boy is this dull!”

Kennedy attacked Lashley from behind on his way to the ring, and they do some shitty fighting on the outside, then inside the ring they… do some shitty wrestling. Lashley just kinda runs at Kennedy with his arms and clubs him down, and Kennedy works the leg of Lashley in the most boring way possible.

Devin The Dude is in the crowd!!! No idea who he is, but someone has a sign pointing to him. And looking at the crowd is far more exciting than what the two guys in the ring are doing.

So…. how about that local sports team huh? NOTHING IS HAPPENING IN THIS MATCH FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT.

the finish is Lashley getting DQ’d for hitting Kennedy with the chair that Kennedy brought into the ring . A dull as shit match with a terrible finish .

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The divas show up for… something, and Ashley does a Sable with covered tits, except they are playboy bunnies instead of handprints.

 

The Undertaker & Batista Vs Shawn Michaels & John Cena

Fuck YES, finally a match worth seeing on this show!!!

Man, this really was a HUGE fucking tag. Sure, it doesn’t THOSE names like Hogan, Austin and Rock, but sweet jebus, we do have UNDERTAKER who is one of the biggest icons and legends in the history of the business, HBK who is always put right up near the top when it comes to WWE, Cena who is still the top guy right now and has been for TEN YEARS, and Batista who was Cena’s #2 at the time and is starting to gain some real momentum in Hollywood atm. And to top it all off, these guys are all part of the 2 WM main events for the WHC and WWE title!

Back in 07 I was soooo looking forward to this match for one reason, and honestly it’s still the main reason I love watching it back; UNDERTAKER VS SHAWN MICHAELS. The RR a month before was their first physical encounter in NINE YEARS. And we still had to wait another 2 to get them one on one . But we got that 2 years in a row at WM and both are fucking tremendous .

Match starts off with Batista Vs Cena, which is actually pretty big in its own right and would be a main event for a WM a couple of years later too. In fact it happened in 2010, right? And on the same show was the second Taker/HBK WM match too! Random trivia that means fuck all and nobody cares about but I’m telling you anyway SO THERE!!!

UNDERTAKER AND HBK IN THE SAME RING TOGETHER . Crowd have been shit all night, guess they were saving themselves for this match. Don’t blame em. Everything else was shit, and this has UNDERTAKER VS SHAWN MICHAELS in it .

UNDERTAKER AND CENA . Disappointing that was never got this at WM. Sure, technically it still COULD happen, but it SHOULD have happened a couple of years ago. Ah well, thankfully they have at least had a couple of great singles matches together in 03 and 04 .

SUPERPLEX TO UNDERTAKER FROM CENA~!

UNDERTAKER SITS UP~!

MOAR UNDERTAKER VS SHAWN MICHAELS~!

Good GOD, Undertaker powers Shawn up for a body press, then just STARES at Cena like “hey, dick head, I’m gonna murder your partner and there is nothing you can do”. And then he just launches HBK over the ropes to the floor . They were doing this shit in 1998. It’s now 2007 and they are STILL more than capable of doing it, and doing it perhaps even better than back then .

Batista and the Dead Man do a good job of working over HBK, and I’m just nonstop over Taker and Shawn being in the same match lol.

Hot tag comes and things get even BETTER with all hell breaking loose. I like how Cena does his 5 moves of doom shit, but splits it between Undertaker and Batista. Probably because Undertaker was all “it’s shit and I hate how it’s set up” . And he’d be 100% right because it IS shit and the set up is awful. It all requires Cena’s opponents to do THE EXACT SAME SHIT to Cena every time, rather than CENA doing everything. And it makes his opponents look retarded.

F-U TO BATISTA~!

MORE LIKE F-U TO CENA BECAUSE UNDERTAKER BOOTED HIM IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THE MOVE FROM HAPPENING~!

Also nice to see that things settle down again a little so we can have another, albeit short, FIP segment, only this time Batista is the one in peril.

LOL, HBK tells Undertaker to SUCK IT as he sets up Sweet Chin Music on Batista… only for Batista to counter and tag ‘Taker in . THE DEAD MAN GONNA KILL EM ALL~!

HOLY SHIT SPINEBUSTER TO UNDERTAKER . Batista just sent a message to his WM opponent! Undertaker is left alone, hurt, with HBK AND John Cena!

Sweet Chin Music right into an F-U, and THE UNDERTAKER takes the fall in the match! Well DAMN! I actually forgot that happened .

Ahhhh, this still rules the planet. The four top guys on the planet at the time in the ring together. WM opponents forced to team up and work together. All hell breaking loose. And what a way to help build to WM too! HBK/Cena were tag champs at the time, and HBK made it clear that he wanted Cena 100% and would “protect” him, so honestly those two working together better AND coming out on top makes sense. Meanwhile Batista and Undertaker are two MONSTERS who just wanna destroy everyone and be WHC. Undertaker sent a message to Batista after the RR when he chose him as his WM opponent and chokeslammed the shit out of him, and now Batista is sending a message right back to Undertaker that he isn’t afraid of the Dead Man. And to top it all off, in ring wise it’s a tremendous tag match and the crowd are HOT for it, unlike the rest of the PPV.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 5

 

Unforgiven 2007

 

“Don’t be afraid. BE TERRIFIED.”

Of the main event?

 

CM Punk Vs Elijah Burke – ECW Championship Match

Lol, big video package showcasing the match between Punk and Morrison where Punk finally wins the ECW title is shown. Aaaand then we move to the ring where Burke has been given a jobber entrance and is seemingly randomly getting a title shot .

Not long before their “awesome” chemistry shines through as they manage to botch an Irish Whip spot .

FUCK ME. Looked like Punk legit connected with the running knee there. Burke just kinda falls down too lol.

Well, seems Burke gets his own back by forcing Punk to take a pretty sick looking bump on the floor…

So wow, this match was waaaaay better than I was expecting. Burke was fine playing a cocky heel working over the back of Punk to set up to his finisher, and Punk was his usual good self. Enjoyed how Burke went from being cocky and confident to becoming more and more frustrated at not being able to finish Punk off, which in the end causes him to get caught in a roll up and beaten.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Matt Hardy & MVP Vs Deuce & Domino – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Am I the only one that really enjoyed the feud between Hardy and MVP, where instead of wrestling each other they did those competitions and then ended up teaming together to win the tag belts lol?

Whole match here really is about MVP and Matt, with D&D just being there to get their standard rematch clause. MVP and Matt argue over who is gonna start, with Matt telling MVP that HE will start… until MVP blind tags himself in instead .

From there it’s a good old “your turn, my turn” display as both guys try to out-do the other by absolutely dominating the former tag champs lol.

Matt ends up being FIP because, you know, he’s Matt freakin’ Hardy and he’s awesome at being a FIP. MVP gets frustrated on the apron and almost walks out on Matt. Matt then starts to make a comeback and MVP realises that hey, maybe they could actually win now, and he comes back .

End sees Matt taking a page out of MVP’s book by blind tagging himself in, knocking MVP out of the ring and getting the win, just like MVP did when they won the titles in the first place!

Fun match, but like I said, D&D were total after thoughts here.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Triple H Vs Carlito – No DQ For Carlito Only

HHH, recently returning at SS… is the third match on a C PPV against Carlito . Booker T must have used some black magic to get his own back for being buried the month before . AND NO, I DIDN’T SAY BLACK MAGIC BECAUSE BOOKER T IS BLACK. I’m not a racist. I may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a racist, but I am NOT a porn star.

So Carlito can’t be DQ’d or anything, but HHH can. So… HHH basically wrestles like a heel and cheats behind the referee’s back to make things “even” lol.

Aaaand then Carlito fucking blasts HHH right in the FACE with the ring bell and I a little lol. More people should hit HHH in the face with weapons.

Stuff happens. HHH low blows Carlito behind the referee’s back and hits a Pedigree to win.

The lesson here? Not even with an advantage in the match can Carlito come close to beating HHH. LOL.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria interviews Batista. Batista stares at her tits.

 

Beth Phoenix Vs Candice Michelle – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Candice was champion?

Skip.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Khali breaks some fruit.

 

The Great Khali Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Rey and Batista try to double team Khali until Rey rolls up Batista from behind. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND~!

Most of this match is Cole and JBL trying to explain how big and strong Khali is. IT’S LIKE RUNNING INTO A BRICK WALL. IT’S LIKE BEING HIT WITH A BRICK. Basically Khali is a giant brick, apparently.

This match isn’t actually bad. Like, at all. Khali doesn’t do much other than club, kick and clothesline, but he’s mostly doing it to Rey who is a bumping/selling GOD, so it all looks spectacular.

Rey manages to take out Khlai, but Batista prevents him from winning, and lands a Batista Bomb, dropping Rey onto Khali, then shoves Rey out of the ring so he can Spinebuster Khali and pin him to win the title!

Definitely shocked at this.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Paul London & Bryan Kendrick Vs Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch – World Tag Team Championship Match

Hmmm, this could be pretty darn awesome! Though nobody talks about it… so either it’s a very well hidden gem or it’s not worth talking about.

Lol, Murdoch is awesome on the apron early on while Cade is in the ring. He’s constantly shouting encouragement to his partner and generally just being a character on the apron which is awesome to see.

Nothing big and fancy here, just a good old fashioned TAG TEAM match. Early babyface shine period, then the heels dominate and do a pretty great job of keeping Kendrick from making the tat, and then when the hot tag finally comes the fans are all over it, and thankfully it ISN’T just a “hot tag + finishing stretch” type of match!

In the end, it’s those Southern Old School heels that retain their belts .

Good match, needs to be talked about more for sure!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

John Cena Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

I honestly thought the title match was something different on this show .

No wonder Cena is like Superman, his dad got punted in the head during the build up to this match and he’s sitting at ringside for the match as if nothing happened. THE PUNK TOOK OUT HBK FOR HALF THE YEAR AND RETIRED RVD FOR A FEW YEARS.

Cena is fighting for retribution after Orton beat up his dad, and the fans are BOOING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM .

So Cena is pissed. And aside from his cheesy “shaking with anger” pose, he does a pretty good job at just running into Orton and beating the ever loving FUCK out of Randy every chance he gets. Then we have Orton trying to slow the pace down and prevent Cena from punching him in the face. Odd, so far I’m… enjoying this match? Huh. This might end up being one of their best matches at this rate .

HEADLOCK~! But it’s still at a time when Orton applies it really well, so yey! They work a pretty darn great spot with it during the match, with Orton making it look like the most deadly hold ever, Cena selling it well, then slowly fighting out of it and really having to put some fucking effort into escaping. And when he escapes? BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ORTON.

So much so that THE REFEREE DQ’S CENA. Well damn. That’s… awesome. No, seriously, that’s AWESOME. This match was about Cena wanting to utterly destroy Orton following the PUNT to his dad, and Cena wrestled the entire match like that and in the end Cena didn’t give a fuck about BEATING Orton, he just wanted to BEAT ORTON UP.

Obviously the match was mainly here to set up to a rematch at No Mercy, which never happens as Cena gets injured, but it does a fantastic job of heating up the feud some more.

Oh SHIT, the stuff after the bell is even more awesome. Orton tries to PUNT Cena’s dad again, but Cena stops him and locks in the STFU, then tells his dad to kick Orton in the head.

CENA’S DAD PUNTS ORTON IN THE FUCKING HEAD~! And it’s the best thing ever. Isn’t Cena’s dad a manager or something on the Indy scene? Guy needs to be on WWE TV. He’s great. Looks like a fucking MAFIA DON when he’s pissed off. Backstage The Coach is screaming at him for what just happened and announced a Last Man Standing match between Cena and Orton at No Mercy. Then Cena shows up and shoves Coach down, which is probably best for Coach because Cena’s dad just stands there stone faced and was likely about to snap his neck or something.

Wow, and to think, I was dreading this match!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

The Undertaker Vs Mark Henry

It’s the return of the motherfucking DEAD MAN!!!

Unfortunately this match is kinda well known for being awful. But as an Undertaker fan I’m sure I’ll enjoy it .

Undertaker’s return entrance is glorious as always .

The fans aren’t exactly going nuts here which is a shame, because Undertaker and Henry are giving us a good show. Undertaker’s punches are just and Henry just fucking SUPERPLEXED Undertaker!!!

Always makes me when the commentators try to claim Henry really IS the strongest man in the world. “IT’S NOT JUST A NICKNAME HE’S REALLY THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN”. Meanwhile in 2007, Mariusz Pudzianowski and Zydrunas Savickas existed .

Man, the crowd being dead really do kinda suck the fun out of this match lol. Fucking fans. Don’t know a good match if it takes out it’s cock and slaps them in the face with it.

Henry’s work over could have been a little better, he seems to do far too many splashes lol, but otherwise it’s good. Undertaker’s comeback is because he’s fucking awesome .

CHOKESLAM~!

KICK OUT~!

BEAR HU… Urgh, Bear Hug .

Oh hey, Henry has Undertaker in the corner. And he’s climbing the ropes to punch him in the face. I WONDER WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN HERE!

LAST FUCKING RIDE OUT OF THE CORNER TO HENRY~!

The Dead Man wins!

This is a good little match . Fans can go to hell for being shit.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 9.5

 

Vengeance Night of Champions

 

Time to kick off my 2007 PPV Rambles with the PPV that has 2 names! Because… I dunno.

 

Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda (announced as Rotundo… make up your mind which name you wanna give him lol) are in the front row for the show .

 

The Hardy Boys Vs Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch – World Tag Team Championship Match

Alright, this is a good way to start off the show! At least… I hope!

Murdoch hits a swinging neckbreaker on Jeff… who fails to turn over until like the last second .

The Hardy Boys aren’t in a good mood tonight. They refuse to shake hands and are constantly on the attack. Murdoch is sick of this disrespect and SLAPS Matt, then RUNS AWAY . MURDOCH RUNS FROM MATT . Then he gets back in the ring and tags out straight away .

Murdoch has some awesome faces. WWE should re-hire him and stick him with the Wyatt Family .

How tag comes kinda out of nowhere, straight into a short finishing stretch with Cade and Murdoch winning. Huh. Disappointing tbh. Didn’t get much time to develop into anything special .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Chavo Guerrero Vs Jimmy Wang Yang – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

For some reason Dean Malenko is watching on a monitor backstage…

Fuck this match. Fuck it and everything about it. I HATE this match. Might end up being my least favourite match of ALL TIME. And why?

Because Chavo…

Because Chavo was…

Hold on, this might take some time…

I FUCKING HATE THIS MATCH because Chavo was actually…

He actually…

Chavo was…

CHAVO GUERRERO JR ACTUALLY IMPRESSED ME AND WAS GREAT IN THIS MATCH.

BRB, need a shower. I haven’t felt this dirty since ever. Sorry, I can’t bring myself to actually talk about it though. SO DIRTY…

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

I forgot this PPV was during the VINCE MCMAHON GOT BLOWN UP AND DIED angle . HEY EVERYONE, OUR CHAIRMAN BLEW UP AND DIED ON LIVE TV… SO LET’S CONTINUE TO SHOW THE FOOTAGE EVERY WEEK!!!

 

CM Punk Vs Johnny Nitro – ECW Championship Match

So we go from the storyline of Vince dying to… uhhh… Chris Benoit not showing up to the PPV because he was dead and killed his family. Awkward…

No Melina? BOOOOOOOOOO.

Hmmm… the commentators seem to be EXTREMELY QUIET during Nitro’s entrance. Almost like something was cut .

WE WANT BENOIT chants. Oh how those people regretted saying that the next night… .

Punk early on gets the better of Nitro, who buggers off to the outisde. Eventually Punk comes out and chases him, with Nitro getting back in the ring to do the old “lol I’ll attack you as you come in the ring” spot… and Punk instead trips Nitro up and dives on him over the ropes instead .

Sweet CHUCK KICK (that’s what he called it, right?) from Nitro.

Tazz and Styles mentioned that NO TITLE CAN BE WON ON A COUNTOUT. So it got me thinking… they should make a countout championship, where the only way to win is to beat your opponent by countout . Right, what’s Dixie Carter’s twitter again? I got a million dollar idea for her!!!

So commentary has clearly been edited throughout this match… yet they left the WE WANT BENOIT chants from the crowd? Awesome editing job, WWE…

Nitro works over Punk’s arm, no doubt to try and prevent the Anaconda Vice… so Punk fires back with KICKS~! and it’s awesome.

Nice swinging neckbreaker off the ropes from Nitro, and we gots a NEW ECW champion!

Solid match. Will always wonder how a Punk/Benoit match would have gone, but in its place, I’m happy with this. Probably better than their other matches minus the one where Punk finally wins the title .

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

FOLEY AND ORTON BACKSTAGE CONFRONTATION~!

 

RICKY STEAMBOAT IS IN DA HOOOOOOUUUUUUUUSSSSEEEE!

 

Santino Marella Vs Umaga – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

oh god, kinda forgot that Santino was a “fan” that won the IC title from UMAGA . Umaga, the guy that a few months earlier was demolishing John Cena. Then he loses to a “fan” .

Santino sells his arm and hand in a unique way during a nerve grip that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.

Oh, Umaga got himself DQ’d because he kept wailing on Santino in the corner.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

MAGNUM TA~!

 

MVP Vs Ric Flair – WWE United States Championship Match

What else did Flair do on SD in 2007 btw? I honestly don’t remember him even getting drafted over lol. I just remember near the end of 07 when they started the retirement angle with him .

best part of this match is MVP getting chopped to death, then unzipping his Power Rangers outfit to look at his chest .

Flair is bleeding. For no real reason .

MVP with an Ulimate Warrior style press slam. That was… unexpected tbh lol.

Love Flair’s chop blocks to the back of his opponent’s knee. Always look awesome.

MVP thumbs Flair in the eye then follows it up with the worst finisher of all time to win.

Match was fine. Standard stuff.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Duece & Domino Vs Sgt Slaughter & Jimmy Snuka – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

they took the belts off London and Kendrick and gave them to these jokers .

who the fuck decided on the opponents?

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Edge Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

So if Batista loses, he NEVER gets another shot at the title ever again. LET’S GO EDGE!

Oh, it’s just Batista’s last shot while EDGE is champion. That’s boring .

*one month later*

I suppose I should like, actually WATCH the rest of this show now, right? FINE. Gonna be a huge step down from all the genuine CLASSIC matches I’ve been watching lately lol.

In all seriousness though, I have always heard good things about this match. Or at least one of their matches together, gonna assume it is this one. Hope more than assume.

Harley Race is at ringside and Cole talks him up and says he’s trained champions like LANCE CADE who is one half of the world tag champs. JBL just fires back with “Trevor Murdoch…” and Cole shuts up .

Batista tries to work over Edge’s left arm early on… and for some reason Edge sells it… after using his right arm.

pretty awesome ring post spot with Batista running head first into it.

Cole continues to be a moron by being unable to count. Batista hit the ring post HEAD FIRST. Then he went into the ring post two more times SHOULDER FIRST. Cole claims he his his shoulder on the post 3 times.

Batista wins by DQ when Edge gives him a low blow.

Guessing this isn’t the “good” match between these 2 .

Oh wait, Teddy Long is here. He orders the match to restart and tells Edge if he gets DQ’d again he will lose the title!

Batista gets a second chance and… hits a Batista Bomb on the floor, and takes so long to get Edge back in the ring he gets himself counted out .

.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Melina Vs Candice Michelle – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Hmmm…. fap? FAP.

Also, NO.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

John Cena Vs Mick Foley Vs Randy Orton Vs Booker T Vs Bobby Lashley – WWE Championship Match

What an odd clusterfuck-ish match this is on paper lol. Dunno why but 5 feels weird for a match rather than a 4 way or a 6 way or something with an even number. Plus, Mick Foley in a main event for the title in 2007? Who thought that was a good idea? *remembers TNA gave him their world title a couple of years later*

Booker T pussies out of the ring leaving Orton on his own with the 3 babyfaces. Tease a staredown between Cena and Lashley, then Booker comes back in and decks Cena.

LASHLEY DIVES OVER THE ROPES ONTO EVERYONE~! Huh, wasn’t expecting that from him lol!

“Lashley has one goal, one thing on his mind and that’s RANDY ORTON” at Orton interrupting things and screwing up JR’s sentence .

Wow, 3 of the people in this match would end up in TNA in the next couple of years, and 2 of them are former TNA champions!!!

Pretty great spot with Lashley blocking an RKO, then turning right around into an F-U through the announce table!!!

Where the feck is Foley? He was there at the start of the match, then he did his Cactus Clothesline to Orton and got crushed by Lashley when Lashley dove over the ropes and then… nothing lol.

Oh, there is is! He just stopped Orton from winning the title! Thank you Mick! Thank you Mick! Thank you Mick!

PUNT TO MICK~!

F-U to Foley and Cena retains.

This was 18 minutes long according to wiki. Felt like 10 tbh. And not in a good way . Moves happened. Cena won. There was nothing to this match whatsoever. It’s just there. It exists and nothing else.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 3

 

Armageddon 2006

 

Time to end 2006 PPV Rambles with… the final PPV of the year! Might not be the BEST show, but certainly one of the more FUN shows with a couple of great matches too!

 

Kane Vs MVP – Inferno Match

First inferno match since 1999! Which was Kane Vs HHH, I think? During that whole “Unforgiven Challenge” on Smackdown where HHH had to wrestle 5 crazy stipulation matches, including an inferno match with Kane, and a casket match against Undertaker (who walked out before the match and wasn’t seen again until JD 2000 because he was injured, so Mideon and Viscera replaced him).

You gotta have BALLS OF STEEL to be in one of these matches tbh. MVP was on the top rope when the flames shot up and almost caught his fucking leg. How he didn’t launch himself away in terror is beyond me lol.

LOL at each side all having a turn at going out.

KANE TAKES OFF A TURNBUCKLE PAD AND SETS IT ON FIRE!!! MVP attacked Kane and forced him to drop it and MVP nearly FELL ON IT.

Love when the flames shoot up in the air on impact from a big move . An awesome sight.

Despite the limitations of this match (you know, being surrounded by FIRE), they manage to have a pretty good match. Which can’t be the easiest thing to do lol.

As with all inferno matches, they end up on the outside because apparently getting set on fire INSIDE THE RING isn’t an option?

Poor MVP barely got anything in on Kane, and in the end, gets his BACK SET ON FIRE.

I like this . They did well all things considering, and while MVP never really impressed me during his career, I did enjoy his series of matches with Kane in 06.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Paul London & Brian Kendrick Vs William Regal & Dave Taylor Vs The Hardy Boys Vs MNM – WWE Tag Team Championship Ladder Match

Originally set to just be a normal tag between Londrick and Regal/Taylor, but Teddy Long decides to make it a 4 way ladder match! Both awesome (FOUR WAY LADDER MATCH) and disappointing (no regular tag between 2 awesome tag teams) .

Melina looking DAMN GOOD.

JBL is screaming and swearing about how Teddy Long is a bastard putting MVP in the inferno match, then goes crazy when he makes a 4 team ladder match, claiming they’ll be stretchering out bodies all night. Then once THE HARDY BOYS are announced he’s LOVING IT because they are the “KINGS OF TLC” apparently .

Wild crazy brawl to start things off, then REGAL AND TAYLOR begin to rule. Regal KILLS Londrick with suplexes. And we haven’t even got to the one on a ladder yet .

Hardy’s try to bring ladders into the ring, but Regal and Taylor throw them back out . They don’t want any part of ladders. They don’t NEED ladders to demolish people!

Bodies are flying EVERYWHERE .

Despite all the crazy ladder matches that took place prior to this one, they are still able to produce a TON of unique spots! And that is impressive tbh. Far too often now in MITB matches we see “standard” ladder spots and the matches suffer as a result.

Speaking of suffering…

Ouch. Fucking OUCH.

And hey, this match isn’t over yet!

REGAL AND TAYLOR TIME~! They’ve been on the floor for a little while, so it’s time for them to shine!!!

and after Regal does THAT, he tries to climb a ladder and wusses out because he’s terrified of heights . <3 REGAL.

THIS IS AWESOME *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*

SLICED BREAD #2 FROM THE TOP OF A LADDER TO REGAL~! Regal crashes to the mat and might be dead. Kendrick almost landed on his NECK and probably IS dead.

PAUL LONDON GETS THE BELTS~! LONDRICK RETAIN~!

Oh my, this is just wonderful. “Spotfest” aren’t usually my thing, but every now and then one will come along and it’ll be done so awesomely, you can’t NOT like it. This is one of them. All 8 men do a terrific job, we get a TON of unique and awesome spots, some of which are my favourite ladder match related spots EVER, and the fact that Mercury had to be taken the hospital half way through the match and it didn’t stop the flow or screw these guys up is a testament to how good they are.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Fuck me, we are only TWO MATCHES IN to the PPV .

 

The Boogeyman Vs The Miz

Well this sure is a downer after that awesome ladder match. But I guess fans will need to get something to eat or drink, and take a piss, after not being able to go ANYWHERE during the last match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Chris Benoit Vs Chavo Guerrero – WWE United States Championship Match

they are actually trying to make people believe that Benoit intentionally hit Vickie at the Survivor Series when she got on the apron and Chavo shoved him into her . Benoit would NEVER hurt a women… nevermind.

Hoping this is fairly short like their SVS match. The longer it does, the worse it’s going to be because CHABO SUCKS.

Anyway, this was ok. A little longer than I would have wanted. Couldn’t be arsed wasting energy talking about Chabo .

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Gregory Helms Vs Jimmy Wang Yang – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

YING YING YANG YONG YING YANG YANG~! I honestly don’t know why JBL said that .

We are getting one HELL of a great CW match here, plenty of action etc, no rest holds and the fans are chanting BORING? Some people just need a good slapping.

that running heel kick in the corner where Yang flies over the ropes and catches himself is awesome.

JBL reveals he wears chaps.

SUPER NECKBREAKER~!

Helms flies off the ropes and gets caught with another heel kick right to the face!

CODEBREAKER~!

HELMS WINS~!

Man, what a match. Great, great action. And that heel kick that caught Helms coming off the ropes seems to have busted him open too. Shame the fans were dumb cunts.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

The Undertaker Vs Mr Kennedy – Last Ride Match

this card just keeps on giving!!!

all the way through Kennedy’s pre-match promo in the ring there is one guy just screaming YOUUUUU SUUUUUCK over and over again .

Undertaker is out to DESTROY Mr Kennedy. Awesome spot early on where Undertaker launches Kennedy off the announce table, ribs first into the apron!

THAT APRON LEGDROP~! Great camera angle underneath Kennedy’s head, and Mr Kennedy always tries to climb up the ropes which creates space between him and the apron, so he ends up taking a bump off the legdrop too .

that Kennedy hater can still be heard screaming YOU SUUUUCK .

SLEEPER HOLD~! Mr Kennedy has put Undertaker in the hearse! He goes to get in the front seat to drive away… and UNDERTAKER POPS OUT .

CHAIR SHOTS~! Kennedy is mauling the Dead Man with a steel chair, but The Undertaker keeps getting back up and ends up chasing Kennedy up on the Armageddon stage!!!

They battle on top of the stage and then…

always amazing to see Undertaker taking bumps like that despite his size and age. Also amazing that despite everything we’ve already seen tonight, that was STILL fucking awesome .

Kennedy has to drag the body of Undertaker to the hearse. This match has GOT to be over now, right?

Undertaker is in the hearse, Kennedy is in the driver’s seat and then… UNDERTAKER SITS UP AND DRAGS KENNEDY INTO THE BACK WITH HIM AND OUT AGAIN TO THE ARENA!!! Undertaker is alive! He’s alive!!!

Undertaker just tried to KILL Kennedy with a steel pipe!!! Luckily for Kennedy he was able to duck, and Undertaker instead smashed through the back window of the hearse.

CHAIR TO THE HEAD~! Kennedy is BUSTED WIDE OPEN.

CHOKESLAM ON THE ROOF OF THE HEARSE~!

TOMBSTONE ON THE ROOF OF THE HEARSE~!

This one is done!

Great match . Awesome brawling, some great spots, and any time we get to see THE UNDERTAKER driving is just something to behold .

The “worst” of their PPV series, which just says more about their previous matches.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Booker T and Finlay backstage. So has Booker dropped his King accent now he’s no longer the champion? I know he kept the King Booker gimmick, but did he keep the accent? Because he sure as fuck wasn’t using it here .

 

Ashley Vs Kristal Vs Layla Vs Jillian – Naughty or Nice Lingerie Contest

Fap? FAP.

BIG DICK JOHNSON is Santa. Layla is all over him and JBL screams “LAYLA’S A CHUBBY CHASER”. Which means wrestling fans around the world all have hope!!!

In the end, EVERYONE wins.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena & Batista Vs Finlay & Booker T

On paper… this actually interests me. However based on memory, this wasn’t good . Still, I’ll give it a watch. After all, FINLAY.

Yawn, Cena and Booker start things off.

Yey Finlay tags in and gets him some of Batista.

Batista catches Finlay coming off the ropes, but instead of slamming him or anything, just puts him down and SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE.

MUSCLE BUSTER~!

NOOOOOOOO Booker T tagged in . This should have just been a handicap match. Finlay would fucking own both champions. And that just reminded me of one of my favourite FINLAY stories from Lance Storm, where he talks about how Finlay wanted a handicap match with Luger and Buff on the last ever Nitro so he could beat the shit out of them for being so damn lazy for the last year or so . He even said he’d do it for free!!!

Finlay breaks up a tag, so Batista runs in and charges towards Finlay and… well I think he forgot what the fuck he was supposed to do because he just kinda slams into Finlay with no real purpose .

Little Bastard comes out to kick Cena in the head and… kicks HIMSELF in the head!!!

Batista Bomb to Booker.

So this was still crap . So disappointing. There just wasn’t anything to the match at all.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 14

 

Survivor Series 2006

 

Well… time to get this out of the way so I can finish 2006 PPV’s with ARMAGEDDON.

 

Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Ron Simmons & Sgt Slaughter Vs Kenny, Johnny, Nicky & Mikey – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

A bunch of old men vs male cheerleaders.

ARN ANDERSON in the corner of the legends .

Mitch is stuck on the outside for the Spirit Squad. LOL.

Piper was supposed to be in this match, but was replaced by Simmons when Piper was diagnosed with cancer and needed surgery.

Simmons starting things off . I don’t think all 5 members of the Spirit Squad combined can match the POWER of Ron Simmons.

POWERSLAM~!

SIMMONS TAKING OUT THE ENTIRE SPIRIT SQUAD~!

Mitch trips Simmons up, so Simmons chases him and gets counted out . ARN smashes Mitch into the ring post, Simmons gives him a Spinebuster, and the referee kicks Mitch out for tripping up Ron!

Bah, Anderson gets sent to the back too .

BULLSHIT chant at that call from the referee .

Ziggler mocking Slaughter . Doesn’t go well for him .

Ziggler gets destroyed by all the legends, then passes out in the Cobra Clutch, but Sarge gets kicked in the back of the head and Ziggler gets pulled over for the cover and eliminates him without doing a damn thing .

ELBOW~! Dusty pins Ziggler. ZIGGLER GOT NO OFFENCE IN AND ELIMINATED SOMEONE .

Dusty gets pinned, leaving Flair to battle 3 members of the Spirit Squad on his own.

FLAIR WINS .

Well this was.. pretty short and not awful or anything, just not something I’d ever feel the need to watch again .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Chris Benoit Vs Chavo Guerrero – WWE United States Championship Match

Well, time to see if Benoit can carry Chabo to a match that doesn’t make me wanna shoot myself.

Remember the angle involving Eddie’s Estate? Neither does WWE because it went nowhere .

So according to JBL, Chabo is a 2nd generation wrestler. Did he confuse him with his dad? Nah, nobody is that stupid. Chavo CLASSIC was great.

Benoit is good here, as you would expect. His awesome style of never letting his opponent breath, even when he’s being beat down, is something I will never tire of. Chabo shows some nice aggression at times too… and then at other times he looks like a goof play fighting with someone . Technically he IS, but come on, don’t make it LOOK like you’re doing that.

FROG SPLASH~! Sorry, only EDDIE can pin people with that .

EDDIE chants… which make about as much sense as a USA chant would in this match. Eddie chant could motivate BOTH guys…

Crossface. Benoit wins.

Thankfully this didn’t last 20 minutes or something, so they kept it short and were able to keep as much shite (aka CHABO STUFF) out of the match.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Todd Grisham is interviewing LITA’S BOOB. Lita is retiring tonight . Oh hey, Edge is there too. Didn’t notice him. Cryme Tyme can be seen in the background breaking into Lita’s locker room and stealing her panties. Fucking perverted thieving bastards…

 

Lita Vs Mickie James – WWE Women’s Championship Match

SHE’S A CRACK WHORE chants. FUCK YOU, WWE FANS!!!

Mickie James’ ass is on display for 99% of the match .

Wrestling wise… well it’s better than their Cyber Sunday bout that was just total trash lol .

Much of what they do might not look tht great, but hey, at least it’s not a sloppy mess like the last time .

SHE’S GOT HERPES chant. I hate the fans sometimes .

awesome series of kicks from Mickie!

awesome view of Mickie after the Fisherman’s Suplex!

MOONSAULT~!

MICKIE KICKS OUT~!

Big DDT by Mickie, and she wins the women’s championship!

Cryme Tyme show up afterwards to sell off Lita’s underwear. At the time I hated this whole thing. Lita is awesome and deserved a proper send off… but she was a HEEL at the time, so this was a great way to go out! Just like Jericho in 2005 when he was dragged out kicking and screaming. He was a heel and wanted to LEAVE like a heel, so I can easily see Lita wanting to do the same here.

Actual match is decent. Nothing more, nothing less.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

awesome clip of a Batista interview, where he just sits there, doesn’t move, and doesn’t say anything. His best interview EVER!!!

 

Triple H, Shawn Michaels, CM Punk, Matt Hardy & Jeff Hardy Vs Edge, Randy Orton, Johnny Nitro, Gregory Helms & Mike Knox – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

DX pander to the crowd and… the crowd chant for CM Punk . So HHH at least realises his popularity and hands him the mic to ask Philly if they are READY .

MELINA FAP~!

I think Kelly Kelly forgot her clothes. She never was the brightest knife in the drawer though… .

HHH spots Kelly Kelly and askes her to take her tits out. Knox ain’t happen and… well…

I’m a fan of Mike Knox these days, but back in 2006 when he first showed up on ECW, I really couldn’t care less about the guy. So it was, and still is, HILARIOUS to see HBK superkick him in the face, pin him, then ask the rest of his team if he was part of the match .

then we get that awesome moment of HBK sliding out of the ring and putting his arm around Melina, who thinks its Nitro. She realises its Shawn, screams, causing Shawn to scream too . Fun stuff.

PUNK . Comes in, mauls Nitro and makes him TAP OUT!

5 on 3 now, so I guess the heels have got to eliminate SOMEONE now, right? Ahhh, Edge is in against Punk. Punk is a newbie in the WWE and Edge won the WWE title twice in 2006 so surely this is gonna be the first elimination, right?

Nope, Orton tags in. I guess Orton is gonna be the one to eliminate Punk, right?

Nope, Helms tags in, and starts throwing those big knees to the face . Helms has been on a roll all year as the CW champ, so maybe they’re gonna give HIM the Punk elimination, right?

Nope, Orton tags in. See what I said about Orton a couple of lines up? That’s what I wanna say here again too .

RKO TO PUNK~! See, I knew it! Orton is getting the elimination!

Nope . HBK breaks up the pin! Wait… they can DO THAT? WHY DOES NOBODY ELSE EVER DO IT?!?!

Hot tag to HHH, and hot tag to Helms on the other side and… well, Helms ain’t beating HHH . Love how Jeff and Shawn run into the ring to help out HHH when Edge runs in, meanwhile Matt just stands on the apron like a lazy bastard .

TWIST OF FATE~! SWANTON~! Matt eliminates Helms.

5 on 2 now, with Rated RKO left all alone! They are two main eventers, AND the tag champs though, so SURELY they’ll get rid of a couple at least, right? Punk, then maybe one of the Hardy Boys?

Nope .

SUPERKICK~! Edge is GONE!

Well, Orton IS the king of Survivor Series, right? He was the sole survivor in 2003, 2004 and 2005! If anyone can do it, it’s RANDY MOTHERFUCKING SOLE SURVIVOR ORTON, right?

Nope .

Superkick into a Pedigree, and this is done.

the heels got absolutely CRUSHED . WHO BOOKED THIS SHIT? I mean yeah, it’s fun as fuck to watch, but seriously, who thought it was a GOOD idea to have a clean sweep win over the heels?!?!

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs Mr Kennedy – First Blood Match

Kennedy wastes no time taking off a couple of turnbuckle pads before the match! It helped him in their No Mercy match (aka pissed off Undertaker so much he got himself DQ’d ), and in a first blood match it might help even more!

Undertaker makes his entrance, and once Kennedy lays eyes on the Dead Man, he decides to take off ANOTHER turnbuckle pad lol.

PUNCHES TO THE FACE .

We Want lEsner sign in the crowd lol. As well as a HI FISH sign.

Fuck me, Kennedy, like JBL, knows how to take a big boot to the face from the Dead Man to PERFECTION .

Kennedy fights back, but this just seems to ANGER Undertaker, who now focuses his attack from the HEAD of Kennedy to the RIBS. That way, if he makes Kennedy bleed, it’s going to be INTERNAL BLEEDING, which is far worse! If I were Kennedy, I would have just bladed once the bell rang and saved myself a lot of pain!

UNDERTAKER WITH A SUPERPLEX!!!

MORE SHOTS TO THE RIBS!!!

LOW BLOW out of desperation from Mr Kennedy! Guess he’s trying to make Undertaker piss blood?

Undertaker is just BRUTALISING Kennedy’s ribs!

ANOTHER LOW BLOW~!

Kennedy rolls to the outside and he’s bleeding! He is bleeding internally! But the referee can’t see, and MVP shows up and cleans Kennedy up! D’awwww, MVP and Kennedy are such good friends .

Well, except for those multiple occasions when Kennedy sent MVP to the wolves aka BOD. PAYBACK FOR MVP~! He throws Kennedy back into the ring for more punishment!!!

Kennedy is screaming out in pain .

those exposed turnbuckles come into play . These guys don’t do ANYTHING that doesn’t get a payoff .

Undertaker isn’t bleeding yet though, but Kennedy is making a comeback. MVP gets in the ring with a chair to take out Kennedy and… SMASHES IT IN THE FACE OF THE DEAD MAN!

Undertaker is now bleeding! The referee sees it and Mr Kennedy just beat The Undertaker in a fucking first blood match! Holy shit!!!

Silly Kennedy though, doesn’t know when to leave. And Undertaker gets back up. Payback is a BITCH.

Great, great match.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

John Cena, Kane, Bobby Lashley, Sabu & RVD Vs The Big Show, Finlay, Umaga, Test & MVP – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

Cena goes crazy and wipes out the heel team single handed right at the start. Umaga isn’t happy, so he rips apart an announce table, steals a momitor and hits everyone in sight, including Cena! Well, I was wondering how they were gonna protect Umaga’s streak of never being pinned or forced to submit. Didn’t expect the answer so quickly lol.

Holy motherfucking shit. RVD is usually sloppy and stiff with those kicks, and the shot to FINLAY’S HEAD would have probably killed a normal man. Jebus. I mean WOW. I’m surprised my neighbours haven’t come to the house complaining about the noise it made!

Oh hey MVP just got pinned. And then Test kicked RVD’s head off and pinned him .

SPEAR TO TEST ON THE FLOOR~!

DDT from Sabu, and Test is gone! LOL.

Big Show just turned a crossbody counter into a CHOKESLAM . See ya later, Sabu!

Kane and Big Show stare down . Big Show points to his eye, making reference to what happened MONTHS ago!!!

LITTLE BASTARD~! Finlay cracks Kane in the back of the head! Chokeslam! Kane is gone!

Cena/Lashley Vs Big Show/Finlay! Not a bad tag match on paper tbh lol!

Seeing Finlay maul Cena makes me so damn happy. Giddy, even! Oh, if only Finlay was the WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION at this time. Stupid Stephanie.

All hell is breaking loose! FINLAY THROWS LITTLE BASTARD AT LASHLEY WHO DUCKS AND SPEARS FINLAY, WHILE CENA CATCHES LITTLE BASTARD, GIVES HIM AN F-U, AND FINLAY GETS PINNED!!! If Finlay had to lose here, I think that might have been the most awesome way for him to go out!!!

at Cena getting booed every time he tags in .

DISCHARGE THE MARINE sign .

F-U TO BIG SHOW! BAH GAWD I SWEAR I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

This one is done. A lot of fun tbh . And hey, the heels here looked a hell of a lot better than the heels in the OTHER big tag . FINLAY was awesome.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Booker T Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

who thought it would be a good idea for THIS MATCH to main event the PPV?

hsp = dir * movespeed;
vsp += grav;

//Horizontal Collision
if (place_meeting(x+hsp,y,obj_wall))
{
while(!place_meeting(x+sign(hsp),y,obj_wall))
{
x+= sign(hsp);
}
hsp = 0;

dir *= -1;
}
x += hsp;
//Vertical Collision
if (place_meeting(x,y+vsp,obj_wall))
{
while(!place_meeting(x,y+sign(vsp),obj_wall))
{
y+= sign(vsp);
}
vsp = 0;
if (fearofheights) && !position_meeting(x+(sprite_width/2)*dir,y+(sprite_height/2)+1,obj_wall)
{
dir*= -1;
}
}

y += vsp;

//Enemy Collision
if (place_meeting(x,y,obj_player))
{
if (obj_player.y < y-16) //16 represents half the image size from middle to the top
{
with (obj_player) vsp = -jumpspeed;
instance_destroy();
}
else
{
scr_death();
}
}

Awww, shit. Typed all that in the wrong place. Wait… if I typed THAT in HERE… then what the fuck have I just typed into Gamemaker?

Oh yeah, something like this:

THIS MATCH SUCKS BALLS. GO AWAY. I HATE THIS MATCH. IT’S SHIT. FUCK OFF. PILE OF WANK. URGH.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8.5

 

Backlash 2006

 

The last Raw only PPV for me to watch in 2006, and from memory, this is actually a good one!

 

Lol, right behind the Spanish Announcers, there is a group of 4 slutty looking women all drinking beer. Wonder how rowdy they get towards the end of the night!!!

 

Chris Masters Vs Carlito

Were WWE selling apples at events to try and make some money from Carlito now that he was a babyface? They sure as fuck try to sell everything else as merch!

Masters is impressive early on, punching Carlito in the face (which is ALWAYS cool), and launching him into the air for a huge back body drop.

Carlito puts on a Masterlock on Masters, who just breaks free with ease and looks at Carlito like he’s a fucking retard .

POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE~!

“POOP DOGG” sign .

REST HOLD~!

Carlito makes a comeback, nothing worth talking about though other than he does continue to sell his neck that was injured after the powerbomb, so that’s something.

MISSED MOONSAULT~! But Masters has to act like it hit anyway, poor guy .

Carlito cheats to win. Some babyface…

Nothing worth seeing here tbh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria and her TITS talking about the triple threat tonight. FAP.

 

LITA SHOWS UP TOO. FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP.

 

Umaga Vs Ric Flair

Oh look, ANOTHER Umaga PPV match before Cyber Sunday. That’s 2. JR WAS WRONG. DOUBLE WRONG. BAH GAWD.

Umaga is just too big and powerful for Flair to do anything against, so he has to resort to being the DIRTIEST PLAYER IN THE GAME~! Thumb to the eye and 2 low blows… but even THAT isn’t enough to stop the SAMOAN BULLDOZER YOUMANGA!

Umaga knows only one direction, and it’s forward. Flair can use this to his advantage by moving out of the way from time to time, avoiding certain hits and even sending Umaga head first into the ring post!

Not the smarted move though, because Umaga IS Samoan after all, and his head is thicker than the average TNA fan .

SAMOAN SPIKE~! This is over.

Fun squash.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Vince backstage mocking religion. Awesome . Bread and fish flying everywhere . SHANE’S WATER TURNED INTO WINE!!!

 

Mickie James Vs Trish Stratus – WWE Women’s Championship Match

just look at the match image for this one:

Their match at NYR was great. Their match at WM was great. Their match here… disappointing .

Matrix into a headscissors . That was fucking awesome!!!

THEZ PRESS OFF THE APRON~!

Trish is taking the fight to Mickie, because she needs her title back!

Trish gets dumped off the ropes to the floor, and OUCH, she puts her arm on the apron to break her fall and it bends BACKWARDS. And this is unfortunately why the match is disappointing. Trish is legit injured .

Mickie gets herself DQ’d and this one is done. Such a shame poor Trish got hurt . This could have been another great match. Everything up to the injury was really damn good though!

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Maria and her TITS interviewing HBK.

 

Shelton Benjamin Vs RVD – Money in the Bank & WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

The winner of this gets the IC belt AND the MITB Briefcase!!!

With they’d defend the briefcase more these days. When was the last time it was done? Cena/Ziggler TLC 2012? Hopefully by the time this makes it onto Wrestling View, we’ll have had Rollins Vs Ambrose with the briefcase on the line .

No Shelton’s MOMMA cos she had a heart attack or something to get her off TV . Could you imagine if Shelton won the MITB briefcase here and won the WWE title with his MOMMA in his corner?

These guys are going all out from the get go, flipping around and hitting some impressive moves. SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB ON THE FLOOR~!

Shelton is nice and aggressive now he has RVD on the ropes after the powerbomb. Using submissions that focus on the back, then the moment RVD looks to try and escape, Shelton lets go and just pounds the fuck out of RVD to soften him up for yet another submission.

ROLLING THUNDER INTO A SAMOAN DROP~! Yeah, that ruled.

KICK TO THE FACE~!

So RVD is making his comeback and… hits a rolling thunder. After he’d has his BACK worked over the entire match. FFS RVD.

Frog Splash misses, and RVD gets fucking murdered with a DDT .

RVD’s kick to Shelton’s face earlier was sweeeet… and Shelton returns the favour with an even better kick to the face!!!

Another babyface cheats to win, as RVD kicks the Briefcase into Shelton’s face to set up the Frog Splash.

Fun match, shame about RVD’s inability to sell.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Kane Vs The Big Show

Oh, the May 19th storyline .

Lawler talks about how it’s an unwritten rule in wrestling that you never try to cause anyone loss of their sight. DID YOU FORGET ABOUT TERRY FUNK?!?!

Was hoping for a clash of giants here but… instead we get more of a wrestling match. Not quite the wrestling match they had on Raw around this time that was FUN AS FUCK lol, but more of a “work the arm” type wrestling match which is not as fun . I WANT TO SEE THEM HIT EACH OTHER IN THE FACT DAMMIT.

BIG SHOW TRIES TO ATTACK KANE’S EYE~!

ROH sign in the crowd.

Lol, red light and Kane’s own voice plays, talking about May 19th . This is some serious shit .

Kane loses it and starts smashing himself in the face, so Big Show smacks him over the head with a chair to… calm him down?

this is trash.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Candice Michelle backstage with Vince and she’s having an orgasm from him touching her . God McMahon was awesome.

 

Shawn Michaels & God Vs Vince & Shane McMahon – No Holds Barred Match

Vince booked GOD in a tag match .

MCMAHONISM~!

at the bit in the church where Vince tells God to strike him down if he’s wrong… and Shane slowly backs away from him . I miss Shane.

at Lillian Garcia trying to no laugh at God’s entrance .

Vince cutting a promo on God .

God’s theme music is a version of The Cat/Brodus Clay’s music .

Vince tells the referee to check God to make sure he doesn’t have any weapons .

Vince makes the match No Holds Barred!!!

at HBK’s music interrupting Vince, and Shane just starts dancing to the music .

This is already like, the greatest thing ever .

Vince is gonna send Shawn and God straight to HELL!!! So Shawn slaps the shit out of Vince .

Shane looking to piledrive Shawn off the stage . Bah, Shawn counters .

Poor Shane. He has no luck with his head and stage pieces. Shawn just smashed his face into a metal part of the Backlash set . At least it wasn’t glass!

HBK crossbodies himself into Vince and they both go crashing off the stage!!!

Man, God is pretty fucking useless in this match. He’s just stood on the apron watching as Shawn does all the work. Typical.

CHAIR TO HBK’S FACE~!

BLOOD~!

ARM DRAG INTO THE BARRICADE~!

Shane rubbing it in the face of God by climbing the turnbuckle where God is standing. ELBOW DROP~! SHAWN MOVED~! I wonder if he can make the hot tag!

God continues to stand by as Vince and Shane destroy HBK.

Vince on the mic again . He wants to know what God is gonna do about the fact they are demolishing Shawn.

OMG GOD WALKS OUT ON SHAWN~! What an evil bastard! He just left Shawn high and dry!

at Vince’s attempt at a Superkick .

HBK making a comeback! I guess God walking out on him has really motivated the Showstopper!

Shane hits his own dad in the head with a chair!!!

ELBOW DROP TO SHANE~!

SUPERKICK TO SHANE~!

SUPERKICK TO VINCE~!

Looks like HBK didn’t need God at all!

It’s time. It’s time. It’s… TABLE TIME!!!

LADDER~! Vince and Shane are on the tables, Shawn is on top of a giant ladder! Then the male cheerleaders show up to ruin everything so Shawn dives off the ladder onto them!!!

It’s now 7 on 1 (because God abandoned HBK LOL). The Spirit Squad do that lifting move they do and throw Shawn about 10 feet in the air, dropping him through a table!

Vince pins Shawn. VINCE AND SHANE HAVE A VICTORY OVER GOD~!

So while the premise of this match on paper sounds retarded, with a make believe character as Shawn’s tag partner… it’s actually a really good match! Vince and Shane destroy Shawn, Shawn is a great FIP, and there is a lot of good to be found here.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

So apparently Maria and her TITS are too busy so Todd Grisham is left to interview Cena. His TITS aren’t nearly as good.

 

Matt Striker comes out to teach us. He’s billed as being from “the classroom” . He brings out Eugene. He challenges Eugene to spell his own name. Instead, Eugene writes “loves poop” under Striker’s name on the chalkboard. So Eugene just proved he can’t spell his own name . And now Eugene has a booger. And he’s planning to eat it. He shoves it in Striker’s mouth instead then Stuns him . The fuck was the point of this segment?

 

John Cena Vs Edge Vs Triple H – WWE Championship Match

Edge fucks off to the outside and tells HHH and Cena to go at it. They seem to like this idea and punch each other in the face .

Edge laughs, and HHH and Cena decide to punch HIM in the face. Then I laugh .

SPEAR TO CENA WHILE HE WAS HOLDING UP HHH FOR AN F-U~!

DDT ON THE TABLE TO HHH~! Huh, I always remembered that spot resulting in HHH being busted open, and him blading as he was taking the DDT so it looked like his head got busted open from the table. But he actually bladed from a ring post shot right before.

STFU TO EDGE~! He’s about to tap, but HHH shows up and grabs Edge’s arm, then smacks Cena in the head with a microphone .

Damn, HHH’s blade job is insane. His face is covered in blood and dripping like fuck. STFU TO HHH~!

at HHH screaming as he rises up off the mat and makes a dive for the ropes . UUURRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

So, HHH is in the STFU AGAIN, and Edge, being the smart guy he is… instead of GETTING IN THE RING AND BREAKING THE HOLD, decides to CLIMB THE ROPES. What a Rated R for Retard.

HHH just gave Lita a Spinebuster. WHAT A CUNT.

HHH grabs the chair and throws it away. He don’t need no chair. He needs a SLEDGEHAMMER~!

SPEAR TO THE GAME~!

Cena wins with a ROLLUP .

Pretty good triple threat, even with the typical formula.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 9.5

 

No Mercy 2006

 

The holy grail of PPV in 2006!

 

Gregory Helms Vs Matt Hardy

What a way to kick off the show!!!

Helms ruled 06 as CW champion… though it was odd that he faced Matt hardy on PPV twice, since Matt was too FAT to be a CW, so helms didn’t defend the belt on either occasion. Still, the CW champion was getting PPV matches and was looking great every time. Plus, with the brand split, they had plenty of time to have TV feuds over the title as well to help gain/retain viewers.

As well as a previous PPV match, over the last month on SD they’ve each had a victory over each other, both using a low blow behind the referee’s back! So now it’s the “rubber match” in this low blow series .

Slow start as they feel each other out, always playing up on their history of growing up in the business together and knowing each other so well and never being able to get the better of the other without resorting to something big.

Back and forth action, featuring one hell of a fucking kick to Hardy’s gut from Helms! Surprised he didn’t get a hump on his back from that!

Love how Helms works over his opponents neck. He has about a billion variations of the neck breaker and they all look sweet.

Helms using one of my favourite moves from the SD Vs Raw 2006 game, where you hook your opponents arms behind their back while on the mat, then knee the fuck out of their face .

CODE BREAKER~!

HARDY KICKS OUT~!

pretty epic PUNCH EXCHANGE from these two. Hardy throws one heck of a right hand.

Helms fucking DESTROYS Matt with 3 crazy reverse DDT/Neckbreaker types moves, but wastes far too much time playing to the crowd and climbing the ropes to show off, allowing Matt to recover enough to make a comeback!

THREE SIDE EFFECTS FROM MATT~! Nice revenge spot .

Matt also decides to go to the ropes, but is quick about it and hits a Moonsault…NO! Helms got the knees up!

SHINING WIZARD~!

KICK OUT~!

HOLY SHIT~! Helms dropped Matt balls first onto the ropes (nice call back to how this match came about), then took to the ropes and hit a Shining Wizard to Matt while he was still straddling the ropes!!!

HARDY GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPES~!

LOW BLOW COUNTERED INTO A TWIST OF FATE OUT OF NOWHERE~!

HELMS LOSES ON PPV FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 2006!

One hell of a fucking match!!! And this is just the OPENING MATCH!!!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Booker T and Sharmell backstage talking about the 4 way for the title tonight. REGAL shows up offering his services. Booker T tells Regal to find Finlay and convince him to help Booker tonight.

 

Bryan Kendrick & Paul London Vs KC James & Idol Steves – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Michelle McCool as the hot, sexy, naught teacher . FAP.

That Idol Stevens looks familiar .

Remember when Ashley was randomly put with Londrick? And then like, nothing came of it? Good times, good times… . I *think* they planned on doing something with them both falling in love with her but she only liked one of them, causing them to break up or some shit. Kinda glad it just got dropped.

Idol Sandow nearly falls over from kneeing London in the gut.

the more you see of Damien Stevens the more you realise why he disappeared by to development for another 6 years or whatever it was . I’m surprised he can walk, because he’s constantly falling over himself and screwing up .

Sweet Jebus, London took one hell of a bump off the ropes to the floor.

Epic struggle from London trying to make a tag, with Damien Stedow desperately trying to drag him back to his corner . Love that shit in tag matches, makes the hot tag that much sweeter when it happens.

So aside from Idol Sandens being clumsy and somewhat shitty, he and James are a pretty solid team, working well together and putting together a nice control segment too.

McCool on the outside is always trying to help her team, putting foots on ropes, moving people out of the way etc, while Ashley just… stands around. She’s as useless at being a manager as she is a wrestler .

MICHELLE’S TITS NEARLY POP OUT .

The superior team work once again proves to be the deciding factor for Londrick, as they retain their tag belts!

Really good match, but I can’t help but think it could have been EVEN BETTER had Londrick had more established opponents. Still, impressive all things considering!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

REGAL . He’s looking for Finlay. He spots Vito (in a dress and heels) skipping. Regal decides to show him how it’s done, but gets put off when Vito lifts his dress up to wipe sweat off his face. Then Regal walks into… some bowls of sauce that some guy is walking around with . Vince trying to swim in beer in 1998 ain’t got nothing on Regal trying to stand up in the sauce .

 

Teddy Long comes out to the ring for a birthday celebration. The birthday boy? The Jiz. Urgh. Skipped everything here except for Layla. FAP.

 

MVP Vs Marty Garner

SQUASH~!

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

REGAL PENIS~! NAKED REGAL~! He runs into Teddy Long while naked in the hallway, so Teddy puts Regal in a match tonight, against a mystery opponent!!!

 

The Undertaker Vs Mr Kennedy

UNDERTAKER~!

Kennedy was actually great during this time. Loved that sit down interview he did leading up to this match too. They show bits of it in the video package, and it’s well worth watching in full. Shame Kennedy went downhill rapidly in 2007, and has been a useless hack ever since. He seemed to have so much potential at the time.

Gotta love how Michael Cole manages to even make UNDERTAKER sound like some common nobody. HE ROUGHS PEOPLE UP~!

Undertaker catches Kennedy with a boot to the face and his boot seemingly sticks to Kennedy’s face all the way down to the mat as Kennedy takes the bump .

Love Undertaker’s early arm work in this one. Kennedy sells it really well, and Undertaker makes it look vicious as fuck. Kennedy counters Old School with an arm drag off the ropes, but one kick from Undertaker to the shoulder he’d been working on and Kennedy is back taking punishment!

EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~!

Sign in the crowd saying “Let Eddie RIP”. AKA STOP USING EDDIE IN STORYLINES YOU FUCKS.

Kennedy does what made me such a fan of him during this time; constantly creating openings for himself. He knocks Undertaker off the apron into the barricade. Knocks him off the ropes. Throws him to the outside, then catches him with a DDT as he comes back into the ring. Undertaker is still mostly dominant, because you know, he’s the fucking UNDERTAKER, but this young upshot Mr Kennedy is taking advantage of every opportunity he can, and it makes for one hell of a match.

Holy Jebus, I think Kennedy just got back at Undertaker for that boot earlier. Does that running boot in the corner that people probably associate Samoa Joe with, and damn, it looks like he connects full on with ‘Takers face!

Undertaker again fights back and…

PILEDRIVER TO THE UNDERTAKER~!

And of course Cole calls it a Tombstone because he’s a fucking idiot.

I wish more people were able to do a Piledriver in WWE. It’s an awesome move. And seriously, how many people have ACTUALLY been injured from a NORMAL PILEDRIVER? In WWE? Only guy I can think of in WWE that got injured from a Piledriver was Austin, and that was a modified one that was a mix between a normal piledriver and a tombstone. More people have been injured from clotheslines in the last couple of years than a piledriver in the last 3 decades…

Kennedy doing everything he can to avoid a Chokeslam, including using the referee! Fuck me, he even busts out some crazy flippy kick I’d expect to see from RVD! Undertaker avoids it and lands a Chokeslam finally!!!

LAST RIDE~! NO! Kennedy again fights out, and that exposed turnbuckle from earlier finally comes into play!!!

KENTON BOMB~!

UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT!!!

UNDERTAKER SITS UP!!!! KENNEDY RUNS AWAY!!!

Kennedy brings in the US title belt, gets punched in the face, then ‘Taker picks up the belt and smashes it into Kennedy’s face!

MR KENNEDY JUST BEAT THE UNDERTAKER BY DQ!!!

Undertaker is pissed, and takes out all his frustrations on Mr Kennedy, and then takes out the referee too!

This still fucking rules, and I genuinely don’t understand why most people don’t think highly of it lol. Oh well .

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Chavo Guerrero – Falls Count Anywhere

Fine, I’ll give this one a chance. Maybe it being FCA will help.

I forgot they even used Dominick during the build up to this one . What is it with WWE and using Rey’s family?

Flashbacks to their SS match early on as they repeat spots.

Chavo points at the “EG” arm band Rey wears and says “this isn’t your Uncle, this isn’t you blood”, then punches it . I think I finally found the highlight of Chavo’s career!!!

GORY SPECIAL ON THE GUARD RAIL~! And neither commentator acknowledges it…

Aaaand they spend 90% of this match fighting in a space between a row of seats and a guard rail. Big Show probably couldn’t fit in the damn space they were in.

Rey botches the pin at the end.

So this sucked.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

William Regal Vs Chris Benoit

CHRIS BENOIT IS BACK!!!

REGAL BLOCKED A CHOP .

This is just typical Benoit/Regal goodness . Neither man wants to let their opponent breath, so they are both always trying to apply a hold. Gnarly and gritty are two perfect works to describe any matches between these two (and when Finlay is involved too).

THE FIRST CHOP OF THE MATCH . Gets a huge pop and makes one hell of an impact because of Regal blocking the last attempt.

HEADBUTTS~!

GERMAN SUPLEX~!

DIVING HEADBUTT~!

BOTH MEN ARE BLEEDING FROM THE HEADBUTTS~!

APRON DDT~! One of my favourite moves. Love that it was finally added into WWE games. Shame it couldn’t have been added years ago when the games were good .

KNEE TREMBLER~!

BENOIT KICKS OUT~!

FOREARM INTO THE FACE WHILE MAKING A COVER~!

REGAL IS AWESOME~!

CHOP TO THE CUT ON REGAL’S HEAD~! AND AGAIN~! BENOIT IS AWESOME~!

I just can’t say enough good shit about how awesome these guys are. Everything is a fight, everything is earned, and everything looks fantastic. Regal fighting to avoid the Crossface at the end is a terrific battle, but once Benoit has it locked in, Regal knows it’s OVER and taps out straight away. Love it.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Booker T confronts Regal when he comes back from the match, and wants to know if he talked to Finlay . Finlay shows up and tells Booker he’s here tonight to take the WHC!!!

 

Booker T slaps Regal! REGAL FUCKING DECKS THE WHC!!! MVP might have made his debut on this PPV, but Regal is the REAL MVP tonight!!!

 

Booker T Vs Finlay Vs Bobby Lashley Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Originally supposed to be Booker Vs Lashley, but I guess they thought Lashley wasn’t good enough to main event a PPV on his own yet, so they put in Batista… and then Finlay so SOMEONE in the match knew what they were doing .

GOAT Finlay slides out of the ring and sits down on the outside, leaving Booker to deal with Lashley and Batista . Then when he feels like it, he gets in the ring, attacks Lashley from behind and takes down Batista!

Despite the fact Finlay said he’s here to win the title, he convinces Booker that he wants to team up with him against Lashley and Batista.

Booker and Finlay beat the shit out of Batista and Lashley, and Finlay finally decides to turn on Booker, who is definitely the weakest link in this match!!! JBL calls Finlay a Bastard .

Booker only has himself to blame. FINLAY TOLD HIM RIGHT BEFORE THE MATCH THAT HE WAS GONNA TAKE HIS TITLE FFS. It’s his own damn fault for trusting him. Moron.

And just think, there WERE plans for a Finlay heel title run in 06, but Stephanie was a retarded bitch and said no . Yeah because Booker fucking T was such a great choice… urgh.

Finlay has an arm lock on Batista, but the POWER of the Animal allows him to stand up and hit a Samoan Drop… but Finlay doesn’t let go of the arm!!! Lashley runs in to get him some and Finlay throws Batista aside and takes down Lashley!!! Finlay is fucking OWNING EVERYONE .

Booker nails Batista with a huge kick, and Cole screams “THERE’S THE FLEXIBILITY, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT”. When? WHEN THE FUCK WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT BOOKER T BEING FLEXIBLE?

“THIS LASHLEY IS A MAN!” Cole is just churning out the shit tonight lol.

LOW BLOW TO LASHLEY BY LITTLE BASTARD~!

SHILLELAGH TO THE FUCKING FACE OF LASHLEY~!

And Shitty T breaks up the pin and we don’t get a Finlay WHC run .

JACKHAMMER BY BATISTA~!

BATISTA AND LASHLEY STAREDOWN~!

SPEAR BY BATISTA~! LASHLEY KICKS OUT~! I JUST GOT A BIT OF TISSUE IN MY MOUTH WHILE TRYING TO BLOW MY NOSE~!

the sweat dripping off of Batista and Lashley combined could fill an ocean.

BATISTA IS BLEEDING~! Not sure what’s coming out of Batista more; the blood or the sweat .

Lashley and Batista basically beat each other senseless, allowing Finlay and Booker T to come in and pick the bones.

BOOKEND~! LASHLEY KICKS OUT~!

Batista with SPINEBUSTERS for everyone! What a generous guy .

BATISTA BOMB TO FINLAY~!

SPEAR TO BATISTA~!

BOOKER T COVERS FINLAY AND STEALS THE WIN~!

Aside from the shitty winner, this is a pretty awesome four way. Certainly one of the best in WWE history. A ton of fun, and man oh man, Finlay is such a damn WORKHORSE, keeping the match together and making it awesome.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 22