Category: Written Reviews

 

New Years Revolution 2006

 

Another Raw PPV from 06, and again I have to take the wrapping off .

 

Ric Flair Vs Edge – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Edge jumps Flair from behind because let’s face it, even at his age, Flair > Edge, so Edge needs all the advantages he can get.

Lita looks FAPING HOT.

Flair chases Lita and Lita runs and BOUNCES .

PUNCHES TO THE FACE~! Man, what a tough guy Edge is, beating up an old man.

They keep changing the camera to point at Lita .

How is the reverse Atomic Drop legal? They smash their opponent balls first onto their knee. Oh well, it’s only Edge’s balls. Ha, Flair follows it up by dropping Edge balls first onto the barricade. FLAIR IS WORKING THE BALLS OF EDGE~!

THUMB TO EDGE’S EYE~!

THUM TO LITA#S EYE~! Bet that isn’t the first time a guy has got something in Lita’s eye .

FLAIR SUCCESSFULLY COMES OFF THE TOP ROPE~!

LEG WORK SETTING UP TO THE FIGURE FOUR~!

Figure Four to Lita .

MONEY IN THE BANK BRIEFCASE TO FLAIR’S SKULL~! Flair deserved it tbh…

Flair is bleeding of course.

So, Edge loses by DQ. Flair retains his title. It’s almost like Edge didn’t care about winning. Hmmm… I wonder why…

Match has some fun moments, nothing more.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – DUD

 

GOAT promo by Angle. Says he hopes the US loses the war in Iraq. Loves France. Hates black people. Wants to make Jesus tap out. Then goes on to say it doesn’t matter what he says, the people will cheer him anyway because he’s the greatest wrestler in the world.

 

Trish Stratus Vs Mickie James – WWE Women’s Championship Match

one of my favourite women’s matches! And part of one of my favourite women’s angles! TRISH. MICKIE. LESBIAN~!

LITA in the first match and now TRISH AND MICKIE LESBIAN ANGLE in the second match? GOAT PPV RIGHT HERE~!

I miss Mickie and those mini-skirts.

Lol, any time Mickie counters Trish or gets the better of her in an exchange, she looks like the happiest person in the world .

Mickie escapes a headlock by grabbing Trish’s BOOB~!

Some good wrestling from these two women, showing they are more than just smoking hot babes . Also some tremendous character work from Mickie, and Trish’s reactions to it all are great. Mickie isn’t full on psycho like she would be at WM, but she’s great at adding in bits here without going full on.

Fuck me, that was one hell of a punch exchange! They clobbered each other!

BICYCLE KICK~! Trish fucking DECKED Mickie with that!!!

Mickie decides to grab the women’s championship belt and seems to be thinking about using it or not. In the end she decides against it because she LOVES Trish or something .

Meanwhile Trish seems to be having a great time beating the absolute piss out of Mickie. NOBODY MAKES LESBIAN MOVES ON TRISH AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

SPINEBUSTER~!

KICK TO THE FACE~!

Mickie with Stratusfaction! But she savours the moment too long and Trish is able to kick out. Continuing to work her character into the match with how happy she looked that she was able to get the better of Trish. Then when Trish kicks out, Mickie shows signs of PSYCHO MICKIE.

CHICK KICK~! Trish manages to pick up the win in this extremely hard fought and fucking GREAT women’s match! Used to consider this better than their WM match. These days they are on the same level with STARS and shit, but I prefer the WM one over this ever so slightly. Still, it doesn’t get much better than this for women’s matches in WWE!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Maria is interviewing herself . Helms shows up. Then Shelton Benjamin arrives at the arena with his MOMMA despite the fact he doesn’t have a match. His MOMMA is here to make sure he DOES have a match!

 

Edge leaves LITA alone to do that WWE Instant Access thing they used to do (interviews on wwe.com after matches) because he has bigger things to deal with. Wonder what that could be…

 

Jerry Lawler Vs Gregory Helms

Almost skipped this match, thinking it was awful, then I remembered I was thinking of LAST YEAR’S NYR PPV when Lawler had a stinker with Hassan .

So Helms is no longer THE HURRICANE and wants to be a more serious wrestler and DEMANDS respect. Lawler ain’t giving it to him so Helms had to beat it out of him.

SLAP TO LAWLER~! So Lawler responds with PUNCHES TO THE FACE~!

I could watch Lawler punch people all damn day.

LAWLER WITH THE HURRICANE POSE~! Lol, might have had more of an impact had I not watched GAB recently with Matt Hardy doing the exact same thing .

Like the GAB match with Hardy, that Hurricane pose angers Helms and forces him to up his game and finally gain control of the match.

Helms is a good cocky heel here as he works over Lawler and even blocks an attempted counter, where Lawler tries to get his boot up to catch Helms coming off the ropes. Then when he sends Lawler into the ring post, he gets a headset and starts doing commentary! Helms > The Rock .

DOWN COMES THE STRAP~! LAWLER COMEBACK~!

Fuck me, HUGE pop when Lawler teases a Piledriver!!!

TOP ROPE FIST DROP~! LAWLER WINS! LAWLER WINS!!!

Actually a little baffled at the result of the match lol, but oh well . Good stuff. Helms was good during his work over period, and Lawler making a comeback is always great.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

LITA, TRISH AND MICKIE ALL TOGETHER BACKSTAGE FAP FAP FAP. HOT SWEATY BODIES~!

 

Aaaand then we switch over to Shelton’s MOMMA . She bends over, and Viscera makes a move .

 

Triple H Vs The Big Show

I’M EXCITED FOR A TRIPLE H MATCH!!!

So after what HHH did to Flair over the last few months, Big Show decides to do something about it. 2 months later . HHH smashes Show’s hand with a sledgehammer, but all it does is give Big Show a WEAPON as now he’s a 7 foot, 500lb giant with a hard CAST on his hand!!!

Dayum, Lillian looking FINE tonight! Even Joey Styles mentions it lol.

This is one of the reasons I LOVE wrestling. Why I have been watching it for over 20 years. Why no matter how bad the product gets, I’ll still go out of my way to watch certain people and certain matches. Show has a cast on his hand. And the entire match is worked around it. You have the tease and build up to Show using it as a weapon. HHH avoiding it. HHH trying to neutralise it. It’s the most simple form of storytelling, but when done right, it’s beautiful. It’s ART. Even guys I don’t always tend to like can still make me absolutely at a match when they do the simple stuff right. I don’t always care for HHH, but in the right situation against the right opponent, he can really work a match to perfection.

So early on, Show is just DOMINATING with nothing more than his POWER. HHH will occasionally hit the giant, but his shots are rendered useless, so he has to use his head and find openings anywhere he can.

BIG SHOW PUNCHES THE RING POST~! He swung his cast covered arm at HHH, but missed and instead his broken hand collided with the metal ring post, and even the cast isn’t enough to stop the pain. And THAT is the moment HHH was looking for!

HHH RIPS THE CAST OFF~! Now the weapon has been taken away from Big Show, and his broken hand is exposed! A smart wrestler would waste no time going after that injured hand, and HHH is definitely a smart wrestler!!!

I love when someone works over a body part, and does it well. Even better if it’s something more unusual. Everyone does the leg or the shoulder, occasionally the back, but when someone targets a smaller part like the hand, it’s usually pretty awesome.

Big Show goes for a chokeslam, but his broken hand won’t allow him!

REF BUMP~!

HHH BRINGS OUT THE SLEDGEHAMMER~!

BIG SHOW BREAKS THE SLEDGEHAMMER WITH A BROKEN FREAKIN’ HAND~!

THE GIANT IS UNSTOPPABLE~!

Big Show does a great job adapting his offense so he uses his broken hand as little as possible. And when he DOES use it he shows the effects of the injury, be it selling afterwards or simply not being able to do what he wanted.

STEEL CHAIR TO THE BROKEN HAND~! Well, his sledgehammer is broken so he might as well use the chair!

HHH comes at Show again with the chair and Show just fucking LAUNCHES himself at the game with a Spear!!!

Show tries a left handed chokeslam and… BROKEN SLEDGEHAMMER TO THE FACE~!

PEDIGREE~!

This one is OVER!

This. Fucking. Rules.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Carlito makes Masters an offer he can’t refuse. Take out the other Elimination Chamber participants, then they can fight each other to see who becomes the new WWE Champion.

 

Shelton Benjamin Vs Viscera

Shelton’s MOMMA challenges Visera to a match with Shelton!

Shelton might be the superior athelete, but Viscera’s sheer size is too much for him to handle early on!

And time for some controversy… I was a big fan of the Shelton’s MOMMA angle! She was awesome on the outside cheering her “son” on and was always entertaining in backstage segments etc.

In typical “big man vs little man” fashion, Shelton targets the legs of his bigger opponent and is able to gain control. Shelton’s MOMMA is awesome on the outside shouting at Benjamin to break the leg of Viscera .

Shelton starts getting on the losing end of things, and his MOMMA stars shouting “DO I NEED TO GET THE BELT? GET UP! GET YO ASS UP!!!” and Shelton KEEPS GETTING UP . Now THAT is motivation!

BLACK HOLE SLAM BY VISCERA~! That move has a whole new meaning coming from him .

VISAGRA~! “YOU GET OFF MY BOY!!!”

MISSED SPLASH~!

SHELTON’S MOMMA SMASHES VISCERA IN THE HEAD WITH HER HANDBAG~! KICK FROM SHELTON~! THIS ONE IS OVER!!!

Fun match!

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

HBK is confronted by Vinnie Mac, who wishes Shawn good luck! Obviously he doesn’t mean it because these two are feuding… or about to start feuding? I forget.

 

Maria Vs Ashley Vs Candice Michelle Vs Victoria Vs Torrie Wilson – Bra and Panties Gauntlet Match

Fap.

No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shelton’s MOMMA reveals she had a BRICK in her handbag! Because you never know when you might need a brick. There was this one time, I needed a brick, but I didn’t have one.

 

John Cena Vs Shawn Michaels Vs Kurt Angle Vs Kane Vs Chris Masters Vs Carlito – WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Urgh. I hate this match. But it’s a main event for the title so I’ll suffer through it.

Lol, Kane talking smack to Carlito while both are locked inside their pods.

So we start off with Cena Vs HBK, which I guess is a good thing. Over a year later they’d have a pretty darn good WM main event and have had a few great matches following that too.

Cena just elbowed Shawn RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE. TWICE. First one looked brutal. So how does HBK respond? With a bitch slap . Then Cena PUNCHES Shawn in the face. LOL Shawn’s a pussy .

Bah, the two of them don’t really do anything worth writing about. Speaking of not doing anything worth writing about; Carlito is the next guy in. Fans pop for him though because he attacks Cena. Hitler would probably get cheered over Cena in the chamber .

*puts some chicken dippers in the oven*

Angle is next out and he just runs into the match and fucking MURDERS everyone. SIX GERMAN SUPLEXES~! OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY TO HBK OVER THE ROPES TO THE STEEL~! GERMAN SUPLEX TO CARLITO OVER THE ROPES TO THE STEEL~!

Love him or hate him, Angle coming in and mauling everyone like that in a match like this is pretty darn sweet. Easily the most entertaining part of this match so far!

HBK IS BLEEDING~!

ANGLE IS DOMINATING~!

ANKLE LOCK ON CARLITO~!

MASTERS IS THE NEXT GUY OUT AND SAVES CARLITO~!

MASTERS IS DOMINATING~!

ANKLE LOCK ON MASTERS~!

NOBODY OUTSHINES ANGLE~!

ANKLE LOCK ON CENA~!

SUPERKICK TO ANGLE~!

Aaaaaand there goes the only fun part of this match .

Carlito and 2006 Chris Masters are in this match and KURT ANGLE is the first to be eliminated. Bullshit tbh.

Wonder how those dippers are coming along… damn, 6 minutes left .

Stuff happens. Kane is out last.

Yey dippers are ready .

Carlito and Masters double team Kane enough to eliminate him.

Mmmmm chicken dippers rule!

HBK gets eliminated by Carlito .

Damn, ate all my dippers .

DDT TO CENA ON THE STEEL~! Guess he’s gunna pop back up and win the match now, if SummerSlam 2010 is anything to go by .

Carlito tells Masters to put Cena in the Masterlock and be the one to eliminate the champ! And Carlito turns on him and pins him. Because he’s a retard. The moment he pins Masters, Cena pins him . Dumbshit.

This is booooring as fuck. Angle is the only entertaining thing and he was eliminated first.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

VINCE MCMAHON’S MUSIC!!! THE NIGHT IS NOT OVER!!! WHAT’S GOING ON!?!?!

 

John Cena Vs Edge – WWE Championship Match

EDGE IS CASHING IN HIS MONEY IN THE BANK!!! I guess THIS is the important thing he was talking about earlier . Either that or he had to pick up some new lingerie for Lita .

Cena is battered and bleeding, while Edge is fresh!

SPEAR~!

Cena kicks out .

SPEAR~!

EDGE WINS!

What a moment. Not because Edge won the WWE Title, but because Cena LOST the WWE Title!

Then 2 weeks later they killed Edge’s momentum completely .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 11

 

The Great American Bash 2006

 

WWE’s GAB shows get a pretty bad rep, and it’s not always warranted. This show is a prime example! Though this WAS a Smackdown 2006 PPV. You have the Smackdown 6 in 2002/2003 ruling the show, then you have the Smackdown 2006 killing it!

 

Oh hey, Black Stone Cherry’s Lonely Train as the theme. Another 06 SD PPV that got me into a band!

 

And let’s not forget, this PPV was HUGELY screwed up due to a bunch of people being kept off the show due to “elevated enzymes in the liver”. So the fact I think highly of the show in light of those circumstances shows just how SD in 2006 could do very little wrong! In the wrestling aspect, anyway .

 

Paul London & Brian Kendrick Vs The Pitbulls – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

JBL bitching at the fact they have a Spanish Announce Team on a Great AMERICAN Bash show .

Pitbulls are Noble and Kash btw. In case you thought the old ECW team was back. One of them would have to be back from the dead at this point I think.

No fancy shit to start this one off, instead they end up scrapping on the mat to fight for control, then locking up and trying to gain control that way, and then they throw some punches too . London is losing the more brawling style this match is turning into, so he quickly changes his strategy and throws out a dropkick and from there is able to take Kash down a few times and tag Kendrick in to keep up the momentum.

Interesting to see these two styles meshing like this. Londrick flying around, and even though Noble and Kash CAN do that stuff too, they know they can’t do it AS WELL as Londrick so they try and work the match to their strengths which would be fighting and controlling a body part.

DOUBLE SUICIDE DIVE~!

Man, every time you think The Pitbulls are gonna have a nice long control segment, London and Kendrick just keep coming back with high flying moves to create enough distance between them and their opponents to make a tag. And then London tries to skin the cat and gets dropkicked to hell . Now that was a pretty spectacular transition spot tbh. NOW we can finally get a good FIP .

Great teased hot tag spots. Kash almost accidentally lets London tag out, but stops him just before, then decides to play around with him and let him go for a tag a couple of times, then pulls him back and smashes him in the face with forearms .

HOT TAG~! Kendrick owns everyone .

In the end, the teamwork for London and Kendrick shines through and they pick up the win. Good match, liked how they didn’t stick to the basic STF but instead played around with it a little and gave us something well worth watching .

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Khali is screaming some incoherent shite then picks up Daivari and shakes him around because he’s mad.

 

TEDDY LONG~! He probably just jerked off to that tag match . Anyway, he’s out here to tell everyone that Lashley is unable to compete tonight. Finlay and Regal come out and want Long to declare Finlay the winner, but instead he makes a US title match between the two friends!

 

Finlay Vs William Regal – WWE United Championship Match

Lashley not being able to compete is actually for the best .

Regal being the veteran he is and knowing Finlay so well, looks under the ring first to make sure Hornswoggle isn’t there. Then they both decide to leave the ring and not wrestle… and Finlay tries to roll Regal up! Regal decks him in the face and gives him a stern talking to .

Well now they got that out of the way, it’s time for them both to actually compete! Pretty epic Collar and Elbow tie up! They go to the mat, roll out to the floor, then walk up the steps and back into the ring, while still in the hold!

Oh man, the Regal/Hornswoggle stuff is amazing . Hornswoggle grabs Regal’s leg, then smacks Regal in the back of the knee with the Shillelagh forcing Regal to run away and hide on the steps like that women in the old Tom and Jerry cartoons when she’d see Jerry and jump on a chair . Then Regal turns around and Swoggle is staring at him, so Regal makes one of his awesome faces and runs the fuck away back into the ring . Only Regal could make a Hornswoggle spot epic!

Speaking of epic; REGAL AND FINLAY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER .

Finlay takes the WORST Half Nelson Suplex I’ve ever seen… then Regal gets his hand bitten by Hornswoggle and Finlay targets the hand . Teddy Long probably jerked off to the tag match and I’ll probably jerk to this later . THIS IS AWESOME *clap clap clap clap clap*.

Man, Cole and JBL are really, really putting over Regal and Finlay . Going into their backgrounds and saying how TOUGH they both are and how awesome it is that they are both on Smackdown. I miss those times. God I <3 SD 2006!!!

Crazy to think that when I first watched this match (live in 06), I thought it was shit. I was disappointed as FUCK with it. Then I re-watched for my Smackdown 2006 project and fucking LOVED IT. And now I think I’m gonna end up loving it even more!

Fans chant BOOORING because they are fucking retarded, and Cole covers for it by saying they want Lashley, hence the boring chants.

Love Finlay’s apron spots . Gets his opponent caught up in the apron cover the fucking beats the living shit out of them.

Regal is now missing a boot! And of course, Finlay makes sure to STOP THE SHIT out of the exposed foot! Not sure how the boot came off, but Cole says it was likely Hornswoggle, and moments later, he pops up and hands Finlay the boot! Finlay smacks Regal in the face with his own boot and retains the title!

This. Fucking. Rules. God I absolutely cannot wait to see both Regal and Finlay’s single matches with Benoit on PPV this year too .

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

REY AND CHAVO~! Of course they talk about Eddie all the time.

 

Gregory Helms Vs Matt Hardy

Fuck me the hits just keep coming! I know I said this PPV was really good and whatnot, but honestly I didn’t remember most of the card this time around. This might end up being fucking GREAT lol. Certainly off to one hell of a start!

Helms is the CW champ, but Hardy ain’t light enough to compete for it so this is just a straight up match. Both guys were absolutely killing it every week on SD around this time. More examples of the awesome talent SD 06 had!

These two go way back, all the way to the old Omega promotion days, so they have almost a natural rivalry going and can be put in a none title match like this and still make it come across as important because of their history. Especially now that Helms is heel and the CW champ and going out every week with a chip on his shoulder and proving people he’s as great as he claims to be.

Hardy mocking Helms by striking the Hurricane Pose .

Helms regains control and really takes it to Matt, grounding him and working the head and neck, and being in complete control of the match. Every time he stepped in the ring in 2006 it seemed like it was trying to prove something, and it resulted in one hell of a CW title run.

SWINGING NECK BREAKER FROM THE TOP ROPE~!

Great Hardy comeback with some sweet counters . Eye of the Hurricane countered into a Twist of Fate countered into another neckbreaker .

Awesome finishing stretch, with the neck and head work coming into play for the finish! Helms + Hardy + Smackdown 2006 = .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Khali is hunting down Undertaker, who shows up and goes on the attack, only for Big Show to run him down! Teddy Long is pissed, and decides to switch out Khali for Big Show! Khali also had that liver shit.

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Punjabi Prison Match

So what the fook is a Punjabi Prison Match? Well, a cage made out of bamboo, with doors that open on a timer or something… then another cage around it that you have to escape to win. Stupid? Yeah. But it’s BIG SHOW VS UNDERTAKER so who cares?

Show is, well, terrified. He’s in this unique structure for the first time, against the fucking UNDERTAKER. And when you corner a scared animal, he tends to react violently, and Show is no different. Takes the fight right to the Dead Man at the start, hoping to keep that momentum going and prevent Undertaker from punching his face in.

Undertaker punches his face in.

Huh, Undertaker tries to climb out of the first cage… despite it having spikes on top… and FOUR DOORS TO ESCAPE THROUGH.

Ha, JBL just used my caged animal analogy.

Undertaker and Show are beating the fuck out of each other .

CHOKESLAM COUNTERED INTO A DDT~!

One door is opened, but 60 seconds run out before anyone can escape so now it’s CLOSED FOR GOOD.

Show rips a fucking noose or something from the cage and uses it to wear down ‘Taker. I guess they thought this match could be so horrible based on the concept that they’d better give the wrestlers something to hang themselves with .

Another door opens and oh noes nobody escaped and it’s CLOSED FOR GOOD.

CHOKESLAM~!

So this has definitely had some great stuff so far. 2 giants punching each other in the face is always going to appeal to me in some form haha, but man oh man there is a LOT of slow down here. Show was REALLY out of shape around this time, which is part of the reason he left the company at the end of the year. Had he been in better shape this might have had a better pace. But hey, at least Khali wasn’t in the match!!!

UNDERTAKER IS BLEEDING~!

Fuck me. Despite the fact there are still TWO DOORS LEFT… Show tries to climb out. Both of them have made that retarded mistake now.

HOLY SHIT UNDERTAKER SUPERPLEXED BIG SHOW~!

UNDERTAKER ESCAPES THE FIRST CAGE THROUGH A DOOR~!

Undertaker looks to climb the second structure, then randomly decides to try and kick a hole in it instead .

Big Show is free! Throws Undertaker through a randomly placed table, then puts Undertaker back into the ring right as the last door is closing for good!!! Smart by Big Show!

Luckily for Undertaker, Big Show, as I just mentioned, is out of shape so he can’t exactly climb the cage quickly .

Undertaker climbs out, and reaches over to the second cage as it higher up that Show! They battle on the side of the cage, and Undertaker uses a randomly placed rope (WHAT IS IT WITH ALL THESE FUCKING OBJECTS IN THE CAGE LOL?) and swings himself at Big Show! I bet Paul Burchill ain’t happy with that!

LEG DROP THROUGH ANOTHER RANDOMLY PLACED TABLE~!

BIG SHOW IS BLEEDING~!

CROSS BODY FROM THE FIRST CAGE ONTO THE BIG SHOW, SENDING THEM BOTH THROUGH THE SECOND CAGE~! Undertaker somehow wins!

Well, I don’t think this match sucks like a lot of people do, but it’s still nothing special. Like I said, it’s too slow in parts. Cut 5 minutes or so off the match and this would have been much better. They did what they could with a new (shitty) gimmick match and not much time to plan what they were gonna do thanks to Show being Khali’s replacement.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Awful Booker T and Sharmell backstage segment. Urgh. King Booker was so damn bad.

 

Kristal Vs Ashley Vs Michelle McCool Vs Jillian Hall – Bra and Panties Match

FAP FAP FAP NO.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Miz interviews Kennedy. Is that the worst pairing EVER?

 

Batista Vs Mr Kennedy

Originally supposed to be Henry Vs Batista, but Henry got INJURED and was unable to compete. Nothing to do with his liver lol.

Batista is PISSED. PISSED. He’s returning to the ring since he got injured in January, and the guy who injured him, Mark Henry, got injured before Batista could gain revenge. So poor Mr Kennedy is just fodder for the ANIMAL .

Kennedy gets his face smashed into the steel steps and he is BUSTED OPEN. So Batista takes it upon himself to PUNCH THE OPEN WOUND .

Mr Kennedy isn’t happy about being busted open and goes to leave… then runs back in to surprise Batista and gets fucking RUN OVER .

Man, Kennedy’s cut is fucking bad lol. It seems to fire him up and he is able to actually gain the advantage! Anyone who was around to see my Smackdown 2006 Project reviews will know I constantly praised Kennedy with how he was able to create openings for himself during matches and take full advantage, and this is yet another match where he demonstrates that talent.

Batista takes a beating from Kennedy but is still pissed off he ends up firing back and absolutely fucking MAULING Mr Kennedy, so much so the referee calls for the bell! Mr Kennedy wins!

For Batista though, this wasn’t about winning or losing. This was about destroying someone and taking out his anger and frustration from being injured and having to give up the WHC 7 months ago.

SPINBUSTER~!

SPINEBUSTER~!

SPINEBUSTER~!

BATISTA BOMB~!

So this kinda rules. Kennedy looked good, Batista looked good, and the match did its job. Batista is BACK and looks unstoppable, while Kennedy looked strong and even technically got the win!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Booker T – World Championship Match

Bah, I wish I could NO this match. Stupid main event title match.

Fucking SHUT UP Bradshaw. I’m surprised he can talk so much while having Booker’s black cock in his mouth. SLURP SLURP SLURP.

More EDDIESPLOITATION to start the match as Booker screams EDDIE CAN’T HELP YOU to Rey in hopes of getting the crowd to support Rey.

Here we go! The first ever Hell in a Cell match. The Undertaker, fighting for revenge. Shawn Michaels, fighting to survive. Also, something that is often forgotten about this match, the #1 contendership for the WWF Championship at Survivor Series is on the line too!

Before the match starts, we see referee Earl Hebner padlock the cell door shut, as Shawn pleads with him to let him out. No chance Shawn. You danced with the devil, and now you are about to get burnt!

With the door locked, the match can begin. HBK circles the ring, as The Undertaker slowly stalks his prey. After everything Shawn has done to him over the last couple of months, The Undertaker wants to put Shawn through a lot of pain, and is going to take his time doing it. He sees no need to rush, no need to run after Shawn, because unlike Ground Zero, he has nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no one to save him.

After playing a bit of cat and mouse, The Undertaker catches up to Shawn in the ring, and here we go! Nothing fancy, just ‘Taker grabbing Shawn by the back of his head, and ramming him into numerous turnbuckles. Shawn sells them like he just hit concrete, which some people would state he is overselling, but personally I loved it, and felt it made The Undertaker seem like a vicious powerful monster, which WWF were really turning him into at the time.

Shawn takes a beating for a couple of minutes, with ‘Taker working over the arm, hitting Old School, and even going for a cover at one point. Was The Undertaker trying to win? No, I don’t think he was. He gave Shawn a beating a month ago at Ground Zero, and Shawn never gave up, so he knew it would take more than what he had done so far to put HBK away. So why go for a cover? Because he can. He is showing Shawn that HE is in control, not Shawn. Also, kicking out of a pin attempt with a 300+ pounder on top of you wastes energy, and just helps The Undertaker more. A question some of you may be thinking is “why did Shawn kick out?”. Good question, because let’s face it, if Shawn didn’t kick out, the match would be over and he would escape the possibility of worse pain. Going back to what I said earlier, this match is for the #1 contendership. Shawn, like everyone in the WWF, wants the WWF Championship. Winning this match will place him in a title match, where he is one step closer to being champion once again. Then there is the fact Shawn is an arrogant heel, and beating The Undertaker will feed his ego, and give him bragging rights forever more.

The Undertaker decides to step things up a bit, as he grabs Shawn by the throat, seemingly going for a Chokeslam! Shawn senses this, and desperately fights his way out, sending ‘Taker into the corner. He mounts him, and begins to punch ‘Taker in the head. The Undertaker throws Shawn off, and he flies half way across the ring, again perhaps overselling, but IMO putting The Undertaker over even more. Shawn is a resilient man though, and he quickly gets to his feet and charges over into the corner to mount the Dead Man once again.

Every time Shawn attempts any offense, The Undertaker just shrugs it off and continues his epic assault on the “Sexy Boy”. The fight goes to the outside, and things are about to get brutal. ‘Taker imposes his will on Shawn, using his size and power along with the deadly cell walls to inflict more pain and damage. A couple of spots I always enjoy are when The Undertaker picks up Shawn, then smashes him back first into the ring post, turns around and smashes him back first into the corner of the cell, turns around again and smashes him in the ring post once again, then turns around one last time to send him back first into the corner of the cell. The other is when ‘Taker goes for a powerbomb, but Shawn seemingly reverses it, punching The Undertaker repeatedly in the face, only for The Undertaker to turn around and repeatedly smash Shawn into the corner of the cell again! When Shawn drops to the floor, you can see the marks on his back left by the cell, showing you that he really did hit the cell, and he hit it hard.

The underlying story of this match continues, with Shawn using the cell to attempt an escape from the pain and destruction The Undertaker has on his mind. He tries his best to climb up the cell wall to get away, but The Undertaker is tall enough to reach up and drag Shawn back down, back to hell.

Again the cell comes into play in this match, this time providing Shawn with an opening he so desperately needed. ‘Taker whips Shawn into one of the cell walls, then comes running at him, only to smash face first into the cell himself! I’m unsure if it was Shawn being able to dodge the attack, of if the sheer force of The Undertaker’s Irish Whip caused Michaels to bounce off and dodge the attack, but either way it created an opening, and HBK took it!

Just as Shawn appears to have the advantage, The Undertaker fights back. But as quickly as he re-gained control, he loses it! Shawn knocks The Undertaker off the apron, and sends him into the cell, then follows it up with a suicide dive, again driving The Undertaker into the cell! He isn’t giving ‘Taker time to recover, as he climbs the cell once again, this time to drop an elbow! Shawn is looking strong in this match now. He has used his speed, quickness and high flying ability to gain control, and is now using dirty tactics to keep that control. One of my all time favourite spots (not just from this match, but in general) right here, as Shawn hits a Piledriver to The Undertaker, ON THE STEEL STEPS! It makes one hell of a sound, and just looks incredible.

But even after all of that, The Undertaker crawls back into the ring. Again, this is putting over The Undertaker as an unstoppable monster, while at the same time, showing how resilient and CREDIBLE Shawn Michaels is when he is in the ring with the bigger, stronger opponent. Shawn doesn’t like the fact The Undertaker is still coming after him, so he pulls out a steel chair! This epic feud all began with a steel chair shot, and Shawn hopes to end it with one. I say one, but Shawn hits ‘Taker twice for good measure, and makes the cover! 1…2… NO! The Undertaker is not going out like that again. He still needs to extract his revenge on Shawn, and a steel chair isn’t going to do it this time.

The match starts to change from this moment on, as The Undertaker back body drops Shawn over the ropes, and onto a camera man. Shawn begins to beat the hell out of the camera man, laying him out on the floor. Why did he do it? I believe because he knew it would force the referee to open the door for EMT’s to attend to the guy, and the open door would allow Shawn to escape.

Until then though, Shawn must keep The Undertaker at bay. HUGE elbow drop from the top, followed by Sweet Chin Music! While all of this is happening, the door has been opened too! This is the part where I now feel the door being opened was a contingency plan, IF his superkick was not enough to put down The Undertaker. After all, what would be better than pinning The Undertaker in this match, instead of running away?

Of course, things don’t quite work out for HBK, as The Undertaker sits right up from Sweet Chin Music! Shawn is shocked, and makes a run for the door before it’s closed again! The Undertaker follows him out and catches him, sending him into the cell wall on numerous occasions, and busting him open too!

Shawn is lucky once again to find a small opening, but what is he going to do with it now? Inside the cell, he was unable to put the Dead Man away with his finisher. Outside of the cell, he was still unable to get away from the monstrous beast. The only thing left, if for him to CLIMB to the top of the cell! Unfortunately for Shawn, The Undertaker, even at 330lbs, near 7 feet tall, is able to follow him up there too!

Both men are now on top of the cell, and Shawn attempts a Piledriver up there, but instead gets a back body drop onto the steel! If that wasn’t bad enough, The Undertaker lifts him over his head, and slams him from over 7 feet in the air to the steel! Right hand now by The Undertaker, and Shawn nearly falls off the edge! He holds on, while The Undertaker has something sick on his mind. He stomps on one hand, he stomps on the other hand, and…

“Incoming!”

Shawn Michaels has nothing to hold on to, and falls back from halfway up the cell, through the announcer’s table! It crashes under the weight, and Shawn is a bloody mess on the concrete floor! It’s not over yet though, as The Undertaker climbs down, and slams him onto the floor!

While the majority of this match has been about The Undertaker being an unstoppable, almost un-human DESTRUCTION MACHINE, it’s also all about Shawn showing off just how damn resilient he is. After everything The Undertaker has done to him, he is STILL able to get up, and following the story of the match, does his best to get away from The Undertaker.

The Dead Man catches up to him once again, and throws him back into the cell, and the referee padlocks it shut one more time! Shawn is bleeding even more it seems, as it is flowing from the head of the Heart Break Kid.

The Undertaker has complete control now. He senses the time is right to put away the man who cost him the title, and starts it all off with a Chokeslam from the ropes! WOW! That isn’t enough though, as ‘Taker goes to the outside, and brings in a steel chair! As I’ve said before, this feud started with a chair shot, and The Undertaker wants it to end the same way. SICK chair shot to the bloodied head of Shawn Michaels, and payback is a BITCH! Undertaker signals that the end is here, but the lights go out, and we hear the eerie music of the man we discover to be… KANE!

Kane RIPS open the cell door, takes out the referee, and then stands face to face with his brother The Undertaker. He raises his arms, then brings them down to release fire from all 4 corners, just like The Undertaker has been known to do! The Undertaker is distracted, allowing Kane to hit a Tombstone!!!

Paul Bearer wakes the referee up, Shawn raises his head from the pool of blood he was lying in, and covers the Dead Man! A slow count, but The Undertaker is OUT of it. Shawn Michaels has WON!

Holy Shit! Every time I watch this match, I love it more and more. I love everything about it. From the way they build off the Ground Zero match with Shawn trying his best to simply get away, to the epic debut of Kane, which gives Shawn the big win, making him more credible going into the Survivor Series to fight for the title, while at the same time keeping The Undertaker credible from this loss, and further building The Undertaker/Kane feud that had been slowly boiling for months now.

People have been talking about Hell in a Cell matches for years, comparing them, ranking them, praising them and dissing them. I’ve seen people make excellent points as to why another cell match is more brutal, or why another cell match has more action, or why another cell match has better storytelling ect ect. That’s all good, people have different opinions, and that’s what makes us individuals. However, I do disagree with their opinions. I strongly believe that no other Hell in a Cell match has better storytelling, action, or even brutality. Sure, it might not be as straight up brutal as Brock Lesnar/The Undertaker, but it doesn’t have to be IMO. The fact that it’s built around one man just destroying the other makes it brutal to me. Then the blade job from Shawn, the fall from the cell, and the puddle of blood in the ring where Shawn is makes it just as brutal to me. It is only one of two cell matches that combines those three factors into the match (the second being The Undertaker Vs Edge, SummerSlam 2008), instead of just using two of the three, or in some cases, one.

This was the first ever Hell in a Cell match. I strongly believe that is has never been matched, and probably never will. It set the standard, and is the measuring stick not only for Hell in a Cell matches, but every other gimmick match too IMO. It shows perfectly how to combine storytelling, action and brutality into a single match, as well as how you put over both men involved, and even put over a completely new wrestler that has never been seen before the match (Kane). This was the first ever Hell in a Cell match, and I strongly believe it is the GREATEST MATCH OF ALL TIME. *****.

Huh, what? Oh, sorry. Booker T Vs Rey Mysterio. Chavo costs Rey the title because he sucks. Like this match. Rey was alright in it, but man Booker sucks hard. Didn’t help that most of the time Rey got any offence in, it seemed to be some shitty set up to a 619. You could make a drinking game out of it; take a shot every time Rey sets up a fecking 619. You’d be smashed before the match is over. Which probably helps immensely.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 13

 

Cyber Sunday 2006

 

Yet another 06 PPV that I have to take the wrapping off lol. Think 2 more still have wrapping on too . All Raw shows .

 

Umaga Vs Kane

So the choice in this match was Umaga’s opponent. Kane, Benoit or Sandman. I enjoyed Kane/Umaga’s brawl at Unforgiven so I’m ok with this decision, however BENOIT Vs Umaga would have been .

Kane won with 49%. Wow lol.

Huh, so these two had another match, a loser leaves Raw match, sending Kane to Smackdown! I guess it makes sense the fans would vote for Kane then, as it wasn’t just their Unforgiven match in their history.

SLUGEST~! AGAIN~! YEY~!

Love Kane’s Uppercut. Makes one epic sound.

RUNNING BUTT ATTACK~! IT WAS SUPER EFFECTIVE!

SAMOAN SPIKE TO THE RINGPOST~! Silly Umaga, that’s not your opponent!

Kane is absolutely trying to cave in the skull of the SAMOAN BULLDOZER .

How great is Estrada on the outside btw? Always cheering on his guy, then when Kane gains control he gets worried and you can see him actually sweating like mad and fanning himself with his hat .

UMAGA HEAD FIRST INTO THE RING POST~! Kinda like Sting in that match with Vader, except Umaga wasn’t trying to hit his finishing move and overshot it or anything retarded like that .

A distraction from Estrada, and the SAMOAN SPIKE puts an end to the Big Red Machine!

Good stuff again! One of these days I’ll look up their Loser Leaves Raw match to see if that was any good too.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Sharmell trying to convince Big Show to help Booker T out tonight. Big Show turns her down.

 

Cryme Tyme Vs Viscera & Charlie Hass Vs The Highlanders Vs Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch – Texas Tornado Match

Ha, Cryme Tyme are kewl because they ain’t using no I’s in Cryme Tyme. IT’S ALL ABOUT THE Y’S BABY~!

Crazy to think that JTG has ONLY just been released this year . Poor guy. He was living the dream.

Choices were Texas Tornado, Fatal Four Way and Tag Team Turmoil. Glad Texas Tornado won tbh. Can’t imagine this match would have been any good with the other stipulations. Not saying this is guaranteed to be good now, but at least an all out war should be fun, right?

The HIGHlanders with a HIGH risk move. Ha. Get it? HIGH. Speaking of HIGH, it’s Cryme Tyme!

JTG Vs Hass… JTG does a bunch of hippy hoppy moves or something and gets a GERMAN SUPLEX for his troubles. Ha.

SWEET N SOUR~!

Cryme Tyme STEAL the win from Cade and Murdoch. Ha. I get it.

Well this was… fine I guess. Short as fuck. Probably for the best .

Cryme Tyme celebrate with Lawler and JR and steal Lawler’s laptop. JR first bumps Lawler. Awesome.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

HBK constantly pressing a button on a laptop. This leads to one of the GOAT segments ever. HBK RUNNING AROUND SUPERKICKING RANDOM PEOPLE~!

“Hey, buddy, what’s you name?”

“Stan.”

SUPERKICK~!

“I just kicked STAN!”

.

 

Jeff Hardy Vs Carlito – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

After watching both men be utter shite in their matches at Unforgiven, I have no desire to sit through this. Oh, other options were Shelton and Nitro.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Randy Orton & Edge – Special Guest Referee: Eric Bischoff

DX Vs Rated RKO. Options were for either Bischoff, Vince McMahon or THE COACH to be the guest referee. Everyone picked Bischoff because there were heavy rumours of a DX Vs NWO match in the future .

Shawn exposes Edge’s arse, while Randy stands on the apron with a look of “what have I got myself into tagging with this ejit?” on this face .

According to Lawler, the fans have made some well well decisions tonight. Nope, no type there. Well well decisions.

Pretty dull and uninspiring first half of this match. DX shine period, then suddenly Rated RKO are in control and HHH has a shitty FIP segment. Hot tag to Shawn that eventually leads to him taking a turn at being FIP and this is where shit picks up because HBK is actually a good FIP.

Fuck me Bischoff must be the slowest counting referee in the world. And not in the heel way where he counts slow for DX… every count is unbelievably SLOW .

Unfortunately HBK being a good FIP doesn’t help much when Orton and Edge are boring as fuck on offence.

SPEAR TO BISCHOFF~!

SPEAR AND RKO TO HHH~!

Another referee comes in and… HHH kicks out . He took a Spear then an RKO and still kicked out .

SUPERKICK TO ORTON~! I could watch Orton get superkicks in the face all day.

BISCHOFF PULLS OUT THE OTHER REFEREE TO BREAK UP THE COUNT~!

CHAIR TO HBK~!

CHAIR TO HHH~!

RKO ON THE CHAIR~!

And Rated RKO get the win.

Well this was fucking DULL until the last few minutes when they go into the finishing stretch. But that alone doesn’t help it because the finishing stretch was built to with boring, dull shitty crap.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Lita Vs Mickie James – WWE Women’s Championship Diva Lumberjacks Match

So this is the final of a tournament, since Trish retired with the belt after winning it from Lita at Unforgiven.

Choices were Lumberjack, Submission and No DQ. DQ missed out with about 5%. Bah. Shouldn’t this be a Lumberjill match anyway?

Any excuse to have all the divas surrounding the ring lol. I swear I could only name half of them .

“There’s no such thing as a sure thing, unless it’s name is Lita” .

It’s slow, it’s sloppy, but I can’t take my eyes off it .

Lita wins. Yey .

Shame the match was awful .

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

OH NOES THE SPIRIT SQUAD ARE BREAKING APART! WON’T SOMEBODY STOP THE MADNESS?!?!

 

The Spirit Squad Vs Ric Flair & Roddy Piper – World Tag Team Championship Match

It’s Flair and Piper. But it’s Flair and Piper in 06. Well, Piper in 06. Flair is still awesome in any decade tbh. But their opponents are male cheerleaders. But this is Piper’s first and only tag title win in WWE, and if I’m not mistaken only his second title in the company ever too (first was IC in 92). And Piper unfortunately got diagnosed with Cancer and had to drop the belt too (thankfully he kicked it’s arse).

Ah screw it, it’s fucking FLAIR AND PIPER. I’m gonna endure .

The other options for Flair’s partner, Slaughter and Dusty, come out to ringside anyway to even the odds. Only 4 legends at ringside, but most of them count as 2 people .

Sad to see the state of Piper at this time tbh . I wanna make a joke about how fat he looks but I don’t know if that was anything to do with his cancer or not, and well, Cancer is a sensitive subject for me and I don’t like making jokes about it regardless.

Kenny has a sleeper on Piper, who stars moving Kenny’s legs and walking him over to Flair to try and make a tag . He may be old, he may be a little out of shape, but he can still be awesome .

JR bringing up Flair and Piper’s history from Mid-Atlantic .

FIGURE FOUR~!

SUPER MEGA HIGH TOP ROPE LEG DROP BY KENNY TO BREAK IT UP~! Pretty impressive leg drop tbh.

FIGURE FOUR AGAIN~! Piper stops Kenny from breaking it up, and FLAIR AND PIPER WIN THE WORLD TAG TITLES!!!

Well, if I skipped this I wouldn’t have been missing much at all, but oh well .

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Booker T trying to convince Cena to help him tonight since Show turned him down. Cena wants Booker to whore out Sharmell for the night in order to help him. THE FACE OF THE WWE, FOLKS!!! BOOKER T AGREES . Cena claims he was joking. Yeah, ok. I BELIEVE YOU .

 

John Cena Vs The Big Show Vs Booker T – World Heavyweight Championship Match

CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS MATCH~! The fans got to decide which title is on the line. They went with Booker T because I guess they hoped someone would win it from him because fuck me Booker T was awful. Oh, sorry, KING Booker. When he was twice as annoying as usual…

Ha, there is some music in the video package that totally reminds me of Halo. Then it switches up to the shitty PPV theme . Now I wanna play Halo again. The first, of course.

BOOKER AND CENA ARE NOT DAWGS~! JR is awesome.

Cena decks Booker, and Booker fucks off to the floor leaving Show to maul Cena. Good strategy for Booker, and great for fans as it cuts down on Booker action .

Dammit, Booker is back in the match . Axe Kick’s Big Show while he’s leaning on the ropes. Guess that was pretty cool. Yey Big Show is killing Booker . Crazy to think that at this time, the ECW CHAMPION was the best major champion in the company. Benoit is the current US champ so I didn’t want to say Show is the best champ overall .

at clearly being able to see Big Show preparing himself to get knocked over the ropes by Cena and Booker.

Big Show’s beard appears to be sweating. Oh no, it’s just him drooling as usual. WHY DOES BIG SHOW DROOL SO MUCH?!?!

BOOKEND~! CENA KICKS OUT~!

Oh my god there is still 15 minutes of the show left? So at least 10 minutes of match probably? I wanna cry.

Big Show took a bump on the steel steps and was knocked out for like 5 whole minutes . Leaving us with Booker Vs Cena.

Then finally Show returns to the match and it picks up again. Basically: Big Show = fun. Booker & Cena = SOMEONE SHOOT ME.

*sigh* Show gets a steel chair kicked in his face and he seems to be out of the match again.

F-U TO SHARMELL. WHO DIDN’T GET INVOLVED IN THIS MATCH ONCE. THE FACE OF THE WWE, FOLKS! What a guy.

Kevin Federline gets involved . Remember his feud with Cena?

WHC TO THE FACE OF CENA~! BOOKER T WINS~!

This. Was. Awful. Big Show was the ONLY good thing in the match and unfortunately he got knocked out of it twice.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 1.5

 

Unforgiven 2006

 

Had to take the wrapping off this! Bought it a few years ago and, well, never bothered watching it . It gets a lot of praise as being one of the better single brand PPV’s… but uhhh… looking at the card and remembering that I never liked the main event much, not sure it’s gonna fair all that well with me .

 

Johnny Nitro Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Yey Melina.

MELINA’S CLEAVAGE~! No, not being a random perve as usual. THE COMMENTATORS ARE TALKING ABOUT IT .

A “Nitro sucks” chant. Did we travel back in time to 1999?

Hardy keeps catching Nitro with a STEAMBOAT ARM DRAG, so Nitro gets pissed off and goes for one of his own… except Hardy avoids it and Nitro ends up spinning like a tit and landing on the mat .

Nitro gets hit in the balls and Melina is absolutely desperate to check on them .

Nice bump off the turnbuckle onto the ropes and to the mat by Jeff. A good transition spot.

Nitro works over the leg… with incredibly basic stuff, but some of the KICKS he does are real nice, and Hardy takes the “Mr Perfect holding onto the ropes and taking a bump off being hit in the leg” bump to the extreme by doing a full flip!

Hmmm, looks like it might rain. Sky is getting pretty dark outside. Oh, uhhh, the match. Yeah, Nitro is still just doing stuff to Hardy’s leg.

Oh look Hardy can barely walk yet manages to jump onto the ropes and jump off with a high risk move…

POWERBOMB~!

MELINA HITS JEFF WITH HER BOOT~! NITRO WINS~!

What a dull match. A few good spots here and there, but for the most part it was just uninspiring leg work from Nitro than in the end kinda went nowhere because Melina ended up beating Jeff in the end anyway.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Teddy Long sat all alone in a sky box watching the show .

 

THE HARDY BOYS AND LITA BACKSTAGE~! Lita’s boobs are amazing.

 

Umaga Vs Kane

OOOO OOOOO OOOOOMAGA!

YOUMANGA~!

Damn, Umaga has been on the main roster for 5 months and this is his first PPV match? That’s what JR just said, anyway. Seems like it should be wrong, but I don’t bloody remember if he was on a PPV before this .

SLUGFEST~!

at Estrada breaking one of his Cuban’s in half to signal time for the SAMOAN SPIKE, then Kane retaliates and Estrada picks up one of the halfs of the Cuban from the mat and sticks it back in his mouth . LIVING THE GIMMICK~!

Kane just won a headbutt exchange. WIth a Samoan. Wrestling logic tells me that is bullshit.

Boooooo they end up getting counted out as they brawl into the crowd. Shame, this was a pretty good battle between the two monsters, and it would have been nice to see a proper finish.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Spirit Squad Vs The Highlanders – World Tag Team Championship Match

Ummmm… no.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Vince McMahon, Shane McMahon & The Big Show – Hell in a Cell Match

The debut of the new, taller HIAC, which basically told fans “LOL NOBODY IS EVER GOING UP TO THE TOP AGAIN”. Until PAUL HEYMAN of all people did it in 2013 .

, Big Show tells the McMahons to STAND BACK (get it? hahahahahahaha) while he takes care of DX. So DX kick him in the balls and attack the McMahons anyway .

poor Big Show. He starts to get back up… so DX kick him in the balls AGAIN .

awesome bump right into the side of the cell by Shane. HE’S BUSTED WIDE OPEN~! Didn’t take long .

Vince gets sent into the side of the cell too and I TOTALLY DIDN’T SEE HIM BLADE AT ALL HONEST…

HHH IS SCREWING VINCE MCMAHON~!

Both the McMahons are bloodied and battered, but the GIANT wakes up finally and turns the tide… for about a minute .

Big Show gets back up again and NOW the tide turns properly to allow the heels a control segment. HHH GETTING THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM .

Vince and Shane absolutely destroy HHH in the ring, while Show stands on the outside and makes sure HBK doesn’t get back up .

COAST TO COAST~!

Love how they are playing up on an ear injury angle they did the week before with HHH . He’s all off balance and shit and it’s fucking him up, and now after the coast to coast his ear is bleeding like fuck .

HBK takes a turn in getting absolutely mauled in the ring, and is even done for a 3 count, but Vince McMahon picks him up after a 2 count a couple of times because he wants to destroy him some more! Works well in a blood feud like this .

HHH comes in to try and help and gets cut off by Shane and a backbreaker… which gets turned into a neckbreaker type move but… I have no idea if it was an offensive move from Shane or defensive move from HHH .

KISS MY ASS CLUB MEETING~!

Shawn puts Vince in the way of a Big Show splash, and Big Show nearly starts crying . And then gets his balls rammed into the ring post. Big Show’s balls have perhaps taken the biggest beating tonight .

Big comeback from DX, leading to HBK elbow dropping a chair wrapped around Shane’s neck! Guess he won’t be able to run the company after Vince now. HHH best step up and be his replacement… .

CHAIR SHOT TO THE… STOMACH OF BIG SHOW~!

SUPERKICK~! Show is out cold and bent over the ropes… bet that doesn’t lead to anything .

Vince standing back up and facing DX while looking like he’s gonna kill em both is awesome. Then DX pull down Show’s trousers and, well, Vince’s head gets shoved up Show’s arse .

SUPER KICK~!

SLEDGEHAMMER BROKEN OVER THE BACK OF VINCE’S NECK~!

And with that, DX get the win!

Fuck me what a super, SUPER fun match. Brutal as fuck, some great spots and some comedy thrown into the mix too. Me likes this.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Lita Vs Trish Stratus – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Trish’s retirement match!

Only fitting that her last match (at the time) would be against Lita . The GOAT women’s rivalry in WWE.

Lita’s theme is awful. I preferred the one without lyrics. That version didn’t have someone screaming nonsense.

Hand stand head scissors and Thez Presses off the apron are things we see in just the first few minutes! They’re putting more effort into this match than Orton has in 90% of his matches for the last few years .

Surprised Trish went for a high risk move off the apron though, given the uhhh… injuries these two have sustained doing crazy shit against each other lol.

So the Women’s title can be traced back to 1956, and in 50 years the title has only changed hands ONCE in Toronto! Was probably never defended in Toronto until the last 6 years though .

Sweet jebus they are really going all out for this match. They battle on the top rope and both fall onto the apron and splat right on the floor!

MOONSAU… TRISH MOVED~!

STRATISFAC… LITA COUNTERED AND DUMPS TRISH TO THE FLOOR~!

Fuck me these two and punching the shit out of each other! To hell with Kane/Umaga, this is where it’s at lol.

CHICK KICK~!

LITA KICKS OUT~!

SHARPSHOOTER~! LITA TAPS OUT! LITA TAPS OUT!

Trish wins the Women’s title in her retirement match!

Good match! Not the best women’s match in WWE history, but certainly one of the better ones. Which yeah, ain’t saying much, but I still liked it .

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Randy Orton Vs Carlito

Carlito decides to be all flashy with a springboard moonsault, landing on his feet then hitting a dropkick. Orton then thumbs him in the eye for being a useless prick .

Oh look, more flipping by Carlito, including a Lionsault. Orton’s lip or mouth is bleeding. STUPID, STUPID. So uhhh… did Carlito’s career ever go anywhere after this? Just wondering .

HEADLOCK~! But unlike how he does it today, he really wrenches on it and with the blood coming out of his mouth he looks like a fucking PSYCHO .

Some back and forth stuff and then RKO~!

Well this was… a giant load of nothing for the most part. Carlito hit some fancy moves. Orton bled from the mouth. Then Carlito went for another fancy move and got caught with an RKO. And that’s pretty much it.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge Vs John Cena – WWE Championship TLC Match

So if Cena loses, he has to leave Raw. And he’s already got a 3 year contract worked out with Teddy Long lol.

CENA FEARS WORKRATE sign .

SPOT~!

SET UP THE NEXT SPOT.

SPOT~!

SET UP THE NEXT SPOT.

SPOT~!

SET UP THE NEXT SPOT.

SPOT~!

You get the idea.

Oh, almost forgot… BOTCH SPOT~!

at the F-U to a LADDER onto Edge. That might be the dumbest spot in a ladder/tlc match since RVD did that kick at SummerSlam 2001 despite being nowhere near Jeff to actually connect .

“I LOVE A GOOD FIST BUMP, JR”

Edge places Cena on a table… then sets up another table ON TOP OF CENA and tries to dive off the ropes through them. Because EDGE GOING THROUGH A TABLE AND THEN CENA IS GONNA BE THE SMARTEST THING POSSIBLE. Fucking moron.

MOAR SPOTS~!

LITA~! She LIFTS the ladder with Cena on it and pushes him over the ropes through a table!!!

Edge ends up having almost the same thing done to him… and Cena spends about 2 minutes just looking like a retard as he stalls for time before even attempting to climb the ladder. And oh look, when he DOES finally start climbing, Edge has recovered! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

F-U THROUGH THOSE 2 TABLES SET UP EARLIER. Cena wins the title.

Not my thing. Spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot spot. With nothing behind them or anything. Just SPOTZ~!

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 3

No Way Out 2006

 

Oh hey, it’s the PPV that got me into Theory of a Deadman, thanks to their “Deadly Game” song used as the PPV theme .

 

Gregory Helms Vs Scotty 2 Hotty Vs Kid Kash Vs Psicosis Vs Super Crazy Vs Paul London Vs Nunzio Vs Brian Kendrick Vs Funaki – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

A 9 way CW title match. I’m predicting a spot-fest-mess .

Scotty 2 Hotty in a title match in 2006. Gotta love it .

Kid Kash goes for a moonsault… but Funaki is too far away. But the spot called for him to roll out of the way… and he ends up rolling TOWARDS where Kash is landing… but Kash was supposed to land on his feet, and nearly double stomped the fuck out of poor Funaki .

Helms has a big target on his back in this match, after claiming he was the best CW in the world and he could beat everyone. So he does his best to avoid everyone by staying on the outside so he can pick his spots.

Everyone gets their shit in, and it’s fun to watch I guess, not much more. Helms ends up taking a bunch of finishers from everyone as they try to get the win. Gotta love how he has to sell the WORM like death .

DEAD LEVEL~!

MOONSAULT~!

HELMS STEALS THE WIN~!

Like I said, it’s fun to watch.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Booker T is trying to get out of his match with Benoit tonight. I wish he was successful tbh. I’d rather never see Booker wrestle again .

 

Kristal and her boobs gets interrupted by FINLAY who is looking for a fight. So he kidnaps Kristal and comes out to the ring! THONG~! Lashley, who ends up actually marrying Kristal I think, comes out to make the save! Finlay beats him up, and out comes JBL for his match with Lashley! JBL runs down in hopes of capitalising on Finlay’s beatdown, but Lashley fires back before he can get in the ring, and the match is gonna start with no advantage for JBL!

 

JBL Vs Bobby Lashley

JBL hits Lashley, who no sells it, and JBL just shouts DAMN as he knows he’s fucked. Lashley lays in some pretty good shots on Bradshaw. I was definitely a fan of Lashley back in the day. He had a ton of potential, and was put in the ring with a lot of veterans who could really help him out (mainly FINLAY), but I think WWE’s obsession with pushing certain people too fast screwed him up. I hope the same doesn’t happen to Roman Reigns .

The rookie makes a mistake, and JBL makes sure to take advantage with a boot to the fucking face . Time for the big Texan to beat up another rookie .

Michael Cole just had to use LEGOS as an example to explain something to Tazz…

BELLY TO BELLY OVERHEAD SUPLEX~!

BELLY TO BELLY OVERHEAD SUPLEX~!

BELLY TO BELLY OVERHEAD SUPLEX~!

SOMEHOW JBL IS BUSTED OPEN FROM THOSE BELLY TO BELLY OVERHEAD SUPLEXES~!

HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!?!

Lashley is about to get the win, until Finlay returns! Smashes Lashley in the throat with the Shillelagh, and JBL follows up with a CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~!

THE STREAK IS OVER!!!

Pretty darn solid match .

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

TONIGHT’S SPECIAL GUEST… BATISTA! He had to forfeit the WHC in January after Mark Henry injured him at a house show. He’s not ready to return yet, but I guess they didn’t want fans to forget him .

 

a brunette women in the crowd has a t-shirt that says “I have a nightmare I was a blonde” . That’s awesome.

 

Orton is backstage with Angle of all people, saying that when Batista comes back, it won’t be Angle or Undertaker who is WHC, it’ll be HIM.

 

MNM Vs Matt Hardy & Tatanka

I think Melina’s entrance is definitely a contender for GOAT entrance. Between her and Undertaker, for VERY different reasons. One is just pure awesome and the other makes me feel tingly in my man parts. I’ll let you decide which is which .

So uhhh… how fucking RANDOM was Tatanka as Hardy’s partner lol? In fact how random was his return in general?

MNM seem to be caught off guard with Tatanka being Matt’s partner, and they just can’t get going to start with. Luckily their numbers game comes into play, and Melina is able to get involved to help out her boys.

Tazz on Melina’s scream: “It’s a little annoying, but it also turns me on…” .

Awesome spot where Nitro dives off the ropes and lands right into a killer clotheslines from Tatanka!

Fun finishing stretch, ending with Tatanka hitting a Samoan Drop at the same time Hardy hits a Twist of Fate, and the tag champs have been upset in this non title match!

Solid match. Tatanka looked pretty good.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Booker T Vs Chris Benoit – WWE United States Championship Match

I’ve skipped all their other matches from 2005. People were angry at me . But they told me I should definitely skip this one. SO I’M GONNA WATCH IT .

Nah, I’m bluffing.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Randy Orton – Rey’s WrestleMania Title Opportunity On The Line

EDDIESPLOTATION~!

Despite the awful use of the Eddie Guerrero name in the build up for this… I am looking forward to the match because I’ve always loved it .

Orton is channelling his inner PRICK. DICK. CUNT. All of those things. He’s just a poopy head. And it’s fucking awesome. Mocking Rey, slapping him in the face, laughing at him, and beating the fuck out of him.

The fans actually start an RKO chant at one point, but he tells them to shut up because he doesn’t need their help, and they respond with a Randy Sucks chant .

Orton catches Rey coming off the apron, and swings him into the ring post. Rey sells the arm like death, and Orton wastes no time going after it.

His arm work is basic, but looks nasty and has those little touches like bending the fingers back that make me . I miss this Orton so damn much . I watched his match with Roman Reigns from SummerSlam a few hours before this, and it might as well have been Roman Reigns Vs Generic Rookie with a cool finisher. And NOTHING Orton has done so far is a big crazy move that would in ANY WAY risk his health. It’s all simple shit that anyone could do… yet for some reason nobody fucking does.

Great heel work by Orton + great comeback attempts and selling by Rey is pretty much a perfect formula for this match.

ORTON’S HEAD IS BLEEDING~! From a… ummm… neck breaker type move. Apparently. Unless he got busted open a few moves prior and the blood only just started appearing now .

619 is avoided, and Randy rolls up little Rey, grabs the ropes, and steals Rey’s WM title opportunity!!!

Orton is a grade A DICK. And he’s damn good at it. Rey is one of the best babyfaces you are likely to ever see. Awesome match.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Kurt Angle Vs The Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship Match

For a VERY long time, I had this match right up there with the Taker/HBK HIAC as my favourite match ever. These days nothing really comes close to the HIAC for me, but I still adore this match and always get excited to see it!

Love how this one starts. Undertaker is the striker, and runs right at Kurt with a big boot, but Angle has the speed and wrestling ability to help him avoid shit like that. Angle applies a waist lock and SHOVES Undertaker, who retaliates by swinging his arm around to try and deck the Olympic Gold Medallist, who ducks and RUNS AWAY. Undertaker realises that he needs to change up his game plan if Angle can keep avoiding those big shots, so he decides to play the wrestling game with Angle!

The arm work Undertaker does in the beginning of a match to wear his opponents down and set them up for bigger stuff is always something I enjoy, but holy fuck it might be the best example of it right here. He looks to hit Angle a little harder and Angle is definitely putting it over as a real threat to him in the match.

GERMAN SUPLEX~! Undertaker got fucking LAUNCHED.

APRON LEG DROP~!

Angle knows he’s in trouble now and decides to target the legs of the Dead Man. Undertaker’s selling is awesome, and I love him being able to just swat Angle away with a HUGE right hand to gain some separation, but Angle is a wrestling machine and keeps coming back and attacking those legs anyway .

FIGURE FOUR ON THE RING POST~!

Undertaker again throws Angle off him, and is able to follow up this time with a few shots. He sets Kurt up for another apron leg drop, while still selling the leg like a fucking GOAT… but Angle counters the leg drop into a fucking ANKLE LOCK . Awesome spot!

Angle brutalises Undertaker with the Ankle Lock, holding on to it for a count of 7 before going back into the ring to break up the count… then goes back out and does the same thing again!

Undertaker reminds me a lot of Benoit in how even when getting beat on, he is always trying to get back on the attack, always fighting to try and escape the hold and turn it around on his opponent. One of my favourite things from both guys tbh!

TRIANGLE CHOKE~! Angle gets to the ropes though, but Undertaker is smart enough to hold on for the full 5 count before breaking! Now Angle is suffering, putting them potentially on even ground!

The Dead Man decides it’s time to END this one, and takes apart the announce table to put Angle through it! But he ends up getting distracted by the referee, who ends up running away in terror, and when he gets back to Angle, he walks right into an ANGLE SLAM thought the table!!!

The referee gets to 9, Undertaker is nowhere near the ring and… KURT ANGLE BREAKS THE COUNT! He doesn’t want to win a match like that. He wants to BEAT The Undertaker and prove he’s the fucking BEST.

Angle gets thrown into the ring steps, then bounces off them and ends up smashing himself throat first into a piece of the table Undertaker removed earlier .

TOP ROPE BELLY TO BELLY~!

CHOKESLAM COUNTERED INTO THE ANKLE LOCK~!

ANKLE LOCK COUNTERED INTO THE TRIANGLE CHOKE~!

TRIANGLE CHOKE COUNTERED INTO AN ANKLE LOCK~!

Great sequence of counters right there!

CHOKESLAM~! KICK OUT~!

LAST RIDE COUNTERED INTO THE ANKLE LOCK~!

ANGLE SLAM~! KICK OUT~!

Angle drops the straps… and Undertaker SITS UP .

Both men have renewed life and continue to battle head on!

TOMBSTONE ATTEMPT COUNTERED INTO A TOMBSTONE ATTEMPT FROM ANGLE COUNTERED INTO A TOMBSTONE ATTEMPT COUNTERED INTO THE ANKLE LOCK~!

Some AMAZING counters!

Undertaker again breaks free, this time by kicking the hands of Angle with his other leg to break the grip!

ANGLE SLAM~!

UNDERTAKER CATCHES ANGLE WITH A TRIANGLE CHOKE~!

Angle looks to be out of it, but musters up enough strength to roll Undertaker up while still in the hold! The referee counts to 3 and awards the match to Kurt Angle, even though he should have been checking Angle for a submission!

Incredible match still. Just incredible. I don’t think I can ever get bored of this one. Undertaker is awesome. Angle is awesome. Despite seemingly having a bunch of counters and finishers at the end, honestly I felt for the most part they were REALLY well done, and both men continued to sell the effects of them even while getting offence in themselves.

Rating: ****3/4
CAL SCALE – 8

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 15

One Night Stand 2006

 

It’s ONE NIGHT STAND II: Wasn’t this only supposed to happen once? Like once in a lifetime? DAMMIT WWE.

 

Show starts off with a Paul Heyman promo. It can only go downhill from here . A “FUCK YOU CENA” sign .

 

Poor Paul, he has to hype up the NEW ECW . The fans are excited for it. Oh the disappointment they would be in for. Despite the fact the new ECW was overall better than the original .

 

Jerry Lawler Vs Tazz

OLD SCHOOL HEEL LAWLER . He slaps the fuck out of Joey Styles on his way down to the ring. Ha.

Oh yeah, btw, Tazz can’t wrestle. Not in a “you can’t wrestle” way, but in a “THE DOCTOR SAYS YOU CAN’T WRESTLE” way .

Joey jumps Lawler, Lawler sets him up for the Piledriver, Tazz locks in the Tazzmission from behind, and Lawler gets choked out.

Probably a top 10 original ECW match .

OMG OMG OMG a “PORK” sign in the crowd .

Not giving this a DUD because, well, it’s fun for what it is.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – *

 

Randy Orton Vs Kurt Angle

CLASSIC ECW MATCH UP RIGHT HERE~!

Tazz asks Joey if he thinks Orton looks out of place here, because he thinks he does. And Tazz is right. Orton is talented, therefore out of place in ECW .

Yes, I’m gonna be shitting all over ECW throughout this ramble .

Orton is returning from his suspension… so maybe he DOES fit in with the ECW guys!

What the FUCK did they do to Angle’s theme music?

Seriously, what is that chant? FLUB FLUB ANGLE FLUB FLUB? I’ve heard it tons of times over the years, and I’ve never once understood what they are actually saying.

PUSSY~! I understand that chant .

BREAK HIS ANKLE~!

Angle went straight for the Ankle Lock, and Orton was pretty great at fighting for his life and struggling to escape.

ANGLE’S GONNA KILL YOU~! Oh man, a few months later he’d be going up against JOE IS GONNA KILL YOU~!

FUCK YOU ORTON~!

Some great EEEEE SEEEEEE DUB action here with Angle applying a HEADLOCK on the mat .

Huh, I wonder what was said there. They’ve chanted FUCK YOU ORTON and PUSSY, but something was just bleeped out lol.

Angle totally schooling Orton on the mat, slapping the back of his head for good measure.

Lol, Angle lets Orton apply a hold on him, and Angle just slips out of a headlock twice, then hits a suplex to escape the third. THAT is the kind of Angle we should have gotten more. Have him make sure we all know he’s better than everyone else with the amateur shit.

Wait… are they chanting FUCK OFF CENA now? Why?

Orton is in control of the match now. No idea how he did that.

Angle keeps countering and locking in holds on the mat. Yey. And of course Orton keeps using his favourite hold, the headlock. Just in case the ECW fans were getting bored .

seconds after I wrote that, we got a BOOORING chant. It’s fine for Angle to use a rest hold, but Orton? FUCK HIM .

Well despite being beat up and worn down by Orton, a single back suplex from Angle somehow cures him completely .

ANGLE SLAM~! Aaaannnd a kickout. Of course. Can’t be finishing a match with a finisher! That would be silly.

YOU SUCK DICK~!

Absolutely MASSIVE crossbody from Orton! Looked like he connected pretty hard with Angle too .

Ankle Lock, and this is over with.

Hmmm… I guess it’s not an awful match. Has some good stuff, but didn’t do too much for me. Could have been worse .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

F.B.I. Vs Super Crazy & Tajiri

Holds and counters on the match early on. Nothing to write home about until Tazz makes a BOB BACKLUND reference .

Tajiri gets tagged in. KICKS~!

at Tajiri screaming like a girl as he throws Little Guido into the corner.

Super Crazy missed a moonsault .

Double team move to Super Crazy, with Nunzio hitting a front dropkick while Tony Mamaluke holds him in position. Tajiri seems offended that people are kicking without him, so he storms into the ring and kicks the fuck out of everyone .

BLACK WIDOW BY TAJIRI~! I prefer AJ Lee’s version .

Tarantula by both Tajiri and Super Crazy!

Big Guido comes in and gets kicked to fuck.

Tajiri ends up alone and gets pinned.

Honestly… this was meh. Most of the time it was “do something gain control, then sit in a submission hold” over and over again, except for when Tajiri was in the ring and kicked everyone to death. Tajiri is fucking BOSS.

After the match, THE BIG SHOW shows up and has a stare down with Big Guido, and murders everyone.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Yey JBL has come back to ECW One Night Stand again to save us! one of his security guards looks JUST LIKE Steve Austin, and there is a fan in a Mysterio mask behind him that could very well be Rey too .

 

He brings up the Blue Meanie incident, then says RVD was made in WWE by Vince McMahon. He then announces he’s replacing Tazz on Smackdown!

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Sabu – World Championship Extreme Rules Match

Remember when they took the “Heavyweight” part out of the World Heavyweight Championship so Rey could hold it?

Rey is getting booed because… I dunno. He’s now a success in WWE?

SABU VS REY MYSTERIO IS A DREAM MATCH~! no, it really isn’t.

CHAIR FIGHT~!

Holy shit, Sabu jumped off a chair and didn’t botch!

If there is one thing I like about Sabu (and trust me, there IS just one thing lol), it’s his way of using a chair. He doesn’t swing it, he just fucking THROWS IT at the face of his opponent.

what the fuck was that? . Ok, so Sabu set a table up between the apron and guard rail. Puts Rey on it. Sets a chair up in the ring… runs, jumps off the chair onto the ropes, then launches himself… onto the floor . Rey moved out of the way, yet Sabu wouldn’t have even hit the fucking table . HE MISSED .

Rey with a Seated Senton to Sabu, putting them both through a table! See Sabu, THAT is how you jump off the ropes AND land on the table! I guess that’s something they teach you in WWE and not ECW .

BALLS FIRST ONTO A CHAIR~! Ouch.

CHAIR TO THE FACE~! Double ouch.

Sabu gives it another go with the running + chair + jump + ropes + jump again through the table, and lands a fucking DDT!!! Through the table!!!

And in typical ECW fashion, the match is ended there because they can’t fight any more .

at the doctor or whatever he is who declares that they can’t fight any more. Sounds like a right girl .

Match is garbage and it ending like that, in ECW of all places, is shit.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge, Mick Foley & Lita Vs Terry Funk, Tommy Dreamer & Beulah McGillicutty – Extreme Rules Match

Fucking FINALLY. Something worth watching on this damn show!

Foley cutting another epic promo. STEPHANIE MCMAHON, THE GENIUS BEHIND ECW~! LONG LIVE THE ALLIANCE~!

Lita’s boobs seem to want to leave her top. Awesome.

Beulah and Lita weren’t even supposed to be part of this match, but after they make bitchy comments at each other, they decide to join in the fight anyway lol.

FOLEY VS FUNK~!

Funk starts off with SLAPS, which based on every wrestler’s account who has ever been slapped by Terry, is worse than being punched by everyone else .

The match has quickly turned into a brawling mess . Terry is punching Foley in the eye to try and re-open the cut from the last time these two hooked up.

Funk throws a trash can at Edge like Sabu throws chairs, and it actually looks more brutal than when people swing it.

Foley punching Terry in his eye .

Dreamer and Edge do some stuff in the ring. Nobody cares. FOLEY AND FUNK~!

BARBED WIRE BOARD~!

Dreamer gets his ear “stuck” in it apparently… yet there is no blood or signs of any damage .

Foley goes into the barbed wire and his hands are bleeding straight away. I guess Dreamer isn’t as manly as Foley .

BARBED WIRE TO THE FACE OF TERRY~!

Apparently a wooden board of barbed wire isn’t enough, so Foley asks Lita to pass him some more to wrap around his arm!

FOLEY SMASHES HIS BARBED WIRE COVERED ARM INTO THE FACE OF FUNK~!

MY EYE! GOD DAMN! MY EYE, MY EYE OH GOD! Repeat of Lawler/Funk Empty Arena Match . This is the greatest thing EVER .

I remember seeing this for the first time and honestly thinking Funk injured his eye. Guy rules at selling his eye!

Lita legdrops barbed wire into Dreamer’s balls… while Beulah stands on the apron and does NOTHING. Pfft, she’s a terrible wife!

MR SOCKO MANDIBLE CLAW TO BEULAH~!

MR SOCKO MANDIBLE CLAW AND SPEAR TO DREAMER~!

And now Edge proceeds to dry hump Beulah on live PPV .

FUNK IS BACK~! With the biggest eye bandage ever and a 2×4 wrapped in barbed wire!!!

FIRE~! FUNK HAS FIRE~! FOLEY IS ON FIRE! FOLEY IS ON FIRE AND GETS KNOCKED THROUGH THE BARBED WIRE BOARD!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

CROSSFACE TO EDGE USING THE BARBED WIRE~!

CAT FIGHT~!

DREAMER DRIVER TO LITA~! What a piece of shit Tommy is!!!

SPEAR TO BEULUAH~! Dry hump pin, and this is over!

God I love this match. It has the crazy ECW shit you would expect, but it’s done extremely well by talented guys like Foley and Funk. Some violence involving women too, which was an ECW staple. One of my favourite crazy multi-person brawls . Foley and Funk RULE.

at Funk stuck in the barbed wire, blood all over his face and bandage, and he looks like he’s ranting about losing the match . God… Funk is GOD.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Balls Mahoney Vs Masato Tanaka

They hit each other with beer. In plastic cups. EEEE SEEEE DUB! EEEE SEEE DUB!

Tanaka loses after ONE chair shot. Maybe he hadn’t recovered from being put through a billion tables last year?

What a total load of NOTHING this match was.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Eugene shows up . ECW fans are a bunch of cunts. THEY ARE BOOING A SPECIAL PERSON. Sandman shows up and canes the poor retard. BE A STAR, Sandman.

 

John Cena Vs RVD – WWE Championship Extreme Rules Match

RVD is cashing in MITB tonight in hopes of winning the WWE title!

Joey Styles says RVD might be the greatest wrestler to never hold a world title . Jericho might be the man of 1004 holds, but I probably have a list of 1004 wrestlers more deserving of a world title than RVD . Just replace every instance of ARM BAR with ARN ANDERSON .

Oh god there is still 30 minutes of the show to go . Please someone tell me I forgot about a 15 minute title celebration from RVD at the end.

IF CENA WINS WE RIOT~! I think after they saw that they should have called the fans’ bluff and let Cena win . LET’S SEE HOW EXTREME YOU REALLY ARE, FANS!

The fans are pretty hilarious though when they keep throwing Cena’s shirt back at him . So how does Cena respond? BY THROWING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. one fan spit on it and another wiped his arse with it . Glorious. If they can fill 20 minutes of the match with this I’ll throw ***** at it .

FUCK YOU CENA chants followed by toilet paper being thrown at him . This might be the best start to a match ever .

RVD was just winning a test of strength against Cena. What?

Props to WWE for leaving the crowd chants intact all the way through this show btw. Seems the only time they bleeped anything out was when the wrestlers said FUCK.

RVD just won a punch off with Cena . Insane.

The crowd are shitting all over Cena, so he gets back at them by launching RVD at them. OH, YOU DON’T WANT MY SHIRT? HERE, HAVE RVD YA FAT FUCKS!

Cena is getting “Same old Shit” chants for doing his usual offence. RVD does his usual offence and OMG ITS TEH GREATEST THING EVER!!! ECW fans are just hypocrites .

FOOK ME, RVD might suck balls 99% of the time, but he can take one hell of a DDT, and the one he just took on a chair was beautiful.

Then he takes another great bump as he goes head first into the chair while it’s in the corner!

Cena is picking up momentum and getting into his groove despite the hostile crowd, and he appears to be having fun now at their expense.

RVD lifts Cena up for a back suplex then moves towards the ropes… and I have no idea if he was going to bounce Cena off the ropes ala Tully Blanchard or if he was trying to crotch him or just dump him outside, but RVD basically loses his strength and just kinda drops Cena into the ropes and Cena tries to hang on to save whatever it is they were trying to do, but ends up falling to the floor anyway . And they chant YOU CAN’T WRESTLE to RVD? Give me a fucking break .

STFU TO RVD~! Oh man, imagine if RVD tapped out? How GOAT would that have been?

RVD gets the ropes, and the referee drags Cena off even though it’s a fucking EXTREME RULES MATCH. So Cena decks the referee. And so he fucking should have! Biased ECW referee. The Nick Patrick of ECW!

Ha, speak of the referee and sure to appear! He comes Nick Patrick because… apparently there were no other ECW referees in the back, but there WAS a Smackdown referee waiting for his turn? LOL.

OMG SOME MYSTERY GUY JUST SPEARED CENA THROUGH A TABLE!!! It’s Edge! THANK YOU EDGE chants, despite what a giant cunt he was earlier.

FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH~! But Edge took out Nick Patrick! So Paul Heyman shows up, makes the pin and RVD is the NEW WWE Champion! Because… Heyman is also a referee?

Overall, this match is a ton of fun, mainly thanks to the fans and how Cena reacts to them. As far as the actual quality of the match though… it’s lacking in a lot of ways. There is no real story to it; just 2 guys taking turns at being in control for a few minutes. And that’s it really. Take the crowd away and this would be awful .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8

Vengeance 2005

 

Alright, last show for 2005! God I hope this holds up. Seems most people are down on this event these days. Either the HIAC doesn’t do it for them anymore, or then absolutely shit over HBK/Angle, or both. Currently, SummerSlam sits at the top of the PPV list in 2005, which was the first one I watched. People told me it was the best and I should watch it last, so I told them to fuck off and I watched it first. Will that come back to bite me in the arse? Nah. I can fake enjoyment of the show if need be .

KIDDING. If this blows, I’ll shit all over it. But I’m hoping it doesn’t because I’ve always loved the event and the matches. HOLD UP, DAMMIT.

 

Carlito Vs Shelton Benjamin – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Remember when they stuck the US title on Carlito in his first match on SD? Then stuck the IC title on Carlito in his first match on Raw? And he completely sucked and never got any better?

Shelton keeps going for an early pin, and Lawler speculates that he is doing it because he’s still feeling the effects of his crash and burn dive on Raw and wants to end the match as soon as possible before his health fails him.

Carlito keeps knocking Shelton down and Shelton is definitely showing the effects of his failed dive, but he continues to fight through it, causing Carlito to grab his IC belt and leave! If Shelton is still putting up THIS much of a fight despite being injured, maybe he should get out now.

Shelton of course chases him down and the match can continue. He’s doing well against Carlito, but again continues to sell his injuries, which I guess is his head? Not complaining or anything I just thought his back would have been the obvious choice lol. The more Shelton dishes out to Carlito, the slower he gets, allowing the IC champ to take full advantage.

So Shelton is doing great with the selling of his head, being all woozy and shit… meanwhile Carlito decides to sit in fucking CHIN LOCKS half the time and kills any chance this match had of being truly great. STOP SUCKING, CARLITO.

In the end, Shelton goes head first into an exposed turnbuckle on a Stinger Splash and Carlito wins.

This SHOULD have been great. Shelton was pretty fantastic in his role to be honest, but Carlito seemingly not being able to work a match around an injury prevented it from being great.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Victoria Vs Christy Hemme

Hmmm… no.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Cena interview. Somehow Todd reveals he pissed himself as a kid at school.

 

Kane Vs Edge

Ahhh, the beginnings of Edge and Lita uber heels.

THAT FAP FAP LITA WEDDING DRESS.

How could Edge and Lita have a wedding on Raw btw? Wasn’t she married to Kane? Did they even get a divorce? Why do I even care?

Kane looking over at Lita right before he starts punching the shit out of Edge. Kane is ANGRY. Kane gonna kill someone tonight.

WE WANT MATT and SHE’S A CRACK WHORE chants. GOAT match for that second chant alone .

Kane has been mauling Edge this entire match so far, but one move from Lita, pulling Edge off of Kane, allows him to smash Kane’s face into the ring post and land a SPEAR on the floor! The momentum has shifted!

was that a YOU SCREWED BRET chant? EARL HEBNER IS NOT EVEN THE REFEREE. THIS ISN’T CANADA. WHY DID THEY CHANT THAT?

Maybe it was a YOU SCREWED MATT chant and I just heard it wrong. That would make more sense.

THE DEMON KANE is stil fighting back, letting his ANGER fuel him. Goooooood, goooooooooood [/emperor palpetine].

KANE EXPOSED HIMSELF ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE~!

SPEAR COUNTERED WITH A FUCKING BOOT TO THE FACE~!

SNITSKY~!

LITA TRIES TO SEDUCE KANE~! HIS HAND AROUND HER THROAT TELLS ME IT MIGHT NOT HAVE WORKED…

STEEL CHAIR AROUND LITA’S NECK. Don’t you do it Kane…

Yey Snitsky saved the day! I guess that makes up for the whole baby killing thing?

BRIEFCASE TO SNITSKY~! CHOKESLAM TO EDGE~! KANE WINS~!

Well, I say he wins. He’s still lost Lita, and didn’t win the Goldrush tournament for a title shot. So uhhh… yeah.

Good match. Kane was an unstoppable angry force and Edge was a sneaky heel trying to gain the advantage any way he could. Fun, though slightly mess finish too.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Kurt Angle

Nice little callback to their WM match at the start, with Shawn locking in a headlock, the move he used to frustrate Angle in their previous match. Only this time Angle is perhaps prepared for Shawn doing something like that, and wastes no time getting back to his feet and shoving Shawn into the ropes to break the hold.

People complain about Angle matches having the whole “opponent out-wrestling Angle” schtick, which is certainly true for a lot of them, but I disagree with it at WM. If people say it happens here then once again I disagree. Angle would take down Shawn, HBK would try to escape and Angle would be on him again in a second. Shawn more often than not escape holds and Ankle Lock attempts from Kurt by getting to the ropes.

GERMAN SUPLEX ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!

Angle probably could have beaten Shawn there with a countout, but Angle wants to PIN Shawn or make him SUBMIT, just like he did at WM, to prove that HE is the best wrestler in the WWE right now.

POWERBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE~!

Angle is throwing out EVERYTHING to beat HBK twice in a row!

Kurt keeps going after the back of Shawn, just like WM, but he cannot put him away. Another German Suplex, another pin, and another kickout. Angle is starting to wonder what he needs to do.

Angle Slam attempt, but HBK manages to escape! He’s not softened up quite enough yet, so Angle realises he needs to inflict more damage!

Nip up and no sell comeback from Shawn, but as he tunes up the band and looks to land Sweet Chin Music, Angle runs him the fuck over with one hell of a clothesline!

Fuck me, they showed the clothesline a couple of times on a replay. Looked even more spectacular.

FINISHING STRETCH TIME~!

Angle Slam. Kickout. Surprised nobody .

Ankle Lock… countered into a roll up!

REF BUMP~!

And the ref bump was utterly pointless. No pin attempts, no phantom tap outs… just Shawn being thrown to the floor, brought back in and put in the Ankle Lock when the referee has recovered. WHY DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!?!

Shawn apparently must have prepared his ankle to withstand the Ankle Lock for the same amount of time as WM, as he holds on for a long arse time and gets to the ropes, then still has enough strength for a SUPERKICK~!

at Coach. I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE KICK OUT OF SWEET CHIN MUSIC.

Ok, so the ANGLE SLAM didn’t get it done. The ANKLE LOCK didn’t get it done. Shawn is still throwing out those superkicks. So Angle does the last thing he can do. The single, most BRUTAL and deadly move. This is the kind of move that a Japanese wrestler would use for 20 years and NOBODY would ever kick out.

DOUBLE AXE HANDLE~!

At least, I THINK that’s what he was going for. WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD HE JUMP OFF THE ROPES IN A STANDING POSITION SO HE COULD GE SUPERKICKED IN THE FUCKING FACE?

Shawn wins. God I hate that finish .

Overall.. I STILL like this match. It ain’t garbage. But at the same time, it’s nowhere near their WM match. I used to consider this to be better, but no more.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Batista interview, that leads into a small brawl (hey, anyone remember that Twisted Metal game? Was awesome) with him and HHH.

 

LILLIAN GARCIA FAP FAP. She’s got the hots for VISCERA. I miss the WORLD’S LARGEST LOVE MACHINE gimmick. Viscera coming out in the smoking jacket like a giant black Hugh Hefner was awesome. LILLIAN sings to Viscera, then asks him to marry her!!!

Awww, a nice happy ending to this love story! UNTIL THE GODFATHER SHOWS UP WITH HIS HOS AND RUINS THE WHOLE THING . THESE ARE BABYFACES RUINING THE LIFE OF LILLIAN .

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho Vs Christian – WWE Championship Match

So this starts off as predictable as can be. Jericho and Christian OMG SHOCKINGLY team up against Cena. Then for some reason Tomko decides to take out Jericho, which gets him sent to the back.

F-U TO CHRISTIAN OVER THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR~! Props to Christian for taking an almost fully flat back bump from that height to the floor!

And hey, that’s at least a good way to get rid of Christian for a while to give us the typical 1 on 1 action in a triple threat match.

Jericho tries to suplex Cena through the announce table, and the fans chant EEEE SEEEEE DUB like morons. Cena ends up reversing it and nearly kills Jericho on what looked like a botched DDT. Seemed like Jericho thought Cena was going to reverse the suplex into a suplex of his own, but Cena was actually going for a DDT the whole time.

Hebner takes the greatest ref bump ever and practically no sells it!!! I guess there was no planned ref bump there so he wasn’t able to sell it . Which is a shame because it could have put him out longer than the ref in Taker/HHH WM 17 .

Cena fucking SMASHES into the steel steps, and it looks like his mouth is bleeding too. Not sure if it happened there but I would understand if it did.

“ALL 3 MEN ARE DOWN AND I DON’T KNOW WHY THE REFEREE IS COUNTING BECAUSE THERE ARE NO COUNTOUTS” – JR .

The pace starts to pick up as all 3 men get involved in the action at the same time, giving us some fun and unique triple threat moves, something a lot of these matches fail to give us.

TOMKO HIT AND RUN~! CHRISTIAN IS ABOUT TO WIN THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP~!

And of course Cena kicks out.

F-U to Christian and this is over with.

Fun match!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Batista Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Basic start to this match, with the typical “throw each other into the side of the cell” stuff. Not until the CHAIN comes out does this match get interesting.

HHH WHIPS BATISTA WITH THE CHAIN… and the best part is the referee’s reaction . Then Batista sells being choked out by the chain before HHH can apply any kind of pressure . After that though, some of the choking spots in the ropes look pretty fucking violent tbh. Good stuff.

I think Batista has been watching the GOAT match leading up to this, as he emulates Undertaker picking up HBK and smashing him from ring post then into the cage over and over again. Except HHH is heavier than Shawn and Batista doesn’t seem to be as strong as perhaps Undertaker was in 1997, and after a couple of slams into each side Batista almost drops HHH out of exhaustion .

HHH gets busted open from just being pushed head first into the side of the cell. I dunno, feels like a crappy way to get busted open in 2005 during a HIAC match tbh .

SPINEBUSTER~! Seems that HHH bleeding just motivated him a little.

BARBED WIRE STEEL CHAIR~!

HHH smashes it down on Batista’s back, and Batista has a bunch of little puncture wounds on his back . Props to Batista for taking that chair shot TWICE to the back.

Then HHH takes a shot to the fucking FACE with the chair. Fuck taking shots to the back like a pussy .

“HE MAY BE A NO GOOD BASTARD IN A LOT OF PEOPLE’S EYES” JR rules.

So Batista took two shots to the back with the barbed wire chair. HHH out did him with a shot to the face. So Batista is going all out and takes a fucking DDT on it!!!

a fan is chanting BORING . Literally just ONE fan .

SLEDGEHAMMER~! I like how at the start of the match, the referee didn’t give a SHIT that HHH was using a chain. The Sledgehammer comes in and apparently that’s a no no .

SLEDGEHAMMER TO BATISTA~!

LOW BLOW TO HHH~!

Batista rises up and gets the sledgehammer for himself and looks evil as fuck. He’s gonna CAVE HHH’S SKULL IN with it. And then HHH smacks him in the face with the steel chain before he gets the chance .

Ha, pretty fucking awesome spot with Batista using the sledgehammer in place of his boot to counter HHH coming off the ropes, and HHH SPEWS BLOOD before collapsing in pain .

That seems to be the turning point as THE ANIMAL begins to build some real momentum and absolutely destroy HHH. And then…

PEDIGREE~!

BATISTA KICKS OUT~!

Spinebuster on the steel steps. No CAPS or ~! for that because Batista placed HHH down so fucking gently he might as well not fucking bothered.

Batista sets up THE GAME for a Batista Bomb, but HHH grabs the Sledgehammer. HHH is coming down onto Batista’s head with the hammer, but Batista hits the BOMB first and gets the win!

So this had plenty of VIOLENCE~! and HATE~! but… was just missing something and honestly I can’t place what it was. Maybe some sort of real structure, I dunno. I can’t describe it. It’s still a great match, just not the classic I once considered it to be.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

Armageddon 2005

 

DEATH CONQUERS ALL.

WWE ARMAGEDDON. TONIGHT FEATURING THE DEVIL’S PLAYGROUND; HELL IN A CELL. LIVE FROM THE DUNKIN’ DONUTS CENTER .

 

JBL Vs Matt Hardy

So this match is happening because… JBL interrupted a promo from Matt Hardy on Smackdown. Guess creative were on holiday… for about a decade.

Fucking FIGHT right here . Matt gets caught neck first in the ropes and JBL goes to fucking town on his head with punches and kicks, then pulls on his legs to choke the fuck out of him!!!

So did Matt do something wrong? Because JBL looks like he’s trying to fucking MURDER him lol. Was he (Matt) the guy that refused to get beat up by Undertaker at SVS when the SD roster came out to celebrate with Orton, because he was supposed to get a push soon after and didn’t want to look weak? Or was that someone else? Or did I just invent the entire situation in my head? My head is a crazy place though, if I made it up it would have involved some kind of dragon probably. I dunno. JBL IS KICKING MATT IN THE FUCKING HEAD MULTIPLE TIMES.

CLOTHESLINE FROM FUCKING HELL. This is over. Absolute SQUASH of Matt. Great to watch but seems like poor booking, especially considering how OVER Matt was thanks to the whole Edge/Lita shit.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Video package showing how Melina whored herself out to Batista in hopes of him not competing against MNM for the tag titles. Batista fucked her but said no deal .

Backstage Melina is getting ready and the Mexicools show up, saying they’ll cancel the match with MNM tonight if she does for them what she did for Batista .

 

MNM Vs The Mexicools

Melina looks FAP.

You know that spot where one guy tries to take a run up then jumps over the ropes to the outside, but the referee stops him? Then the referee leans over the second rope to tell the guys on the floor to get back into the ring, and the guy in the ring runs the ropes and uses the referee to launch himself? Well Super Crazy did that while the referee was STANDING UP.

MNM just can’t seem to get going here. They get a few moments of control, then the Mexicools throw out some crazy move and MNM end up back to where they started.

The great team work of MNM is what finally turns the tide for them. They isolate Psicosis and use all the tricks in the book to prevent a tag, and that’s one of my favourite things that MNM used to do . The Dudley Boys went down to OVW to help out MNM to groom them as the next big tag feud which was supposed to happen after the ECW One Night Stand PPV. Instead Johhny Ace apparently fucked them over and they got released, so we never got MNM Vs The Dudley’s, and dammit that just makes me sad .

Mexicools do their best, and look to perhaps have the former tag champ’s number here tonight, but again it’s the superior team work that comes into play, and MNM gain the victory! Melina continues to look SMOKING FAP FAP HOT.

Good match!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Chris Benoit Vs Booker T – Best of 7 Series for the WWE United States Championship – Match 4

Booker T needs to win this match and he’s got a clean sweep over Benoit. Got told by a number of people I should absolutely 100% watch this match. Tough shit! . I just don’t like their chemistry together. Never enjoyed their stuff. Can’t stand Booker T. Not watching.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Teddy Long and Palmer Cannon come out to introduce Santa and his elf. They end up being Vito and Nunzio are handing out coal and keeping the sweets for themselves. Boogeyman comes out to beat them up.

 

Bobby Lashley Vs William Regal & Paul Burchill

Lashley has his fun early on, even bringing Regal unto the ring so he can beat both guys up at once. However, since both Regal and Burchill are English, they are naturally evil too, and they cheat to gain the advantage!

They really go to town on Lashley’s back. Some sick knees from Burchill including one from the top rope!

Doesn’t take long for Lashley to power his way through both guys and pick up the win. Pretty fun for the time it gets though.

Rating: *3/4
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Tim White suicide segment! WHO THOUGHT THESE WERE A GOOD IDEA?!!?

 

Juventud Guerrera Vs Kid Kash – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Juvi seems to be pissed at Kash early on but I have no idea why lol. Oh well. Juvi is throwing some pretty sweet punches to the face so I don’t really care if there is a reason .

Booooring. Since match is them going through the motions for 90% of it. Even the “big spot” off the top rope looks so contrived I didn’t give a fuck about it.

They do a bunch of flse finishers and even the fans are more like “isn’t this over yet?” rather than “OMG HE KICKED OUT THIS IS STILL GOING!”. Kash kicks out of the Juvi Driver and the fans barely care . This might be the blandest finishing stretch I’ve seen in a while.

Brainbuster. New champ.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Batista & Rey Mysterio Vs The Big Show & Kane

Smackdown Vs Raw, Tag Champs Vs Tag Champs!

So I was watching some shoot interview recently, might have been the Trevor Murdoch one, and he mentioned that Big Show hated tagging with Kane. Anyone know anything about this? Do they not get along, or is it something else?

Rey has 619 painted on his chin . Looks DUMB AS FUCK .

Batista tries to match power with Big Show and fails… so he decides “fuck it, amma punch you in the FACE” and he does .

Kane comes in, and gets thrown off the ropes by Batista, then Rey tags in and hits 2 of the WORST legdrops ever. For a guy known for his high flying, he BARELY gets off the ground for them .

Batista and Rey CHEAT to almost finish off Kane, so Big Show returns the favour and takes out Rey. Serves them right tbh!

Big Show rules. He grabs Rey out of the corner, then walks him over to Batista and teases letting him get the tag, only to kick Batista’s hand instead and laugh at him .

Show makes the mistake of knocking Batista off the apron, and Batista is all “fuck it, amma kill everything” and he does .

Then Kane chokeslam’s Rey for the win .

Match honestly was too short for my liking. Didn’t feel as “big” as I think it should have been. A bit disappointing. What they did was actually good, but definitely felt rushed.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs Randy Orton – Hell in a Cell Match

MAIN EVENT TIME .

“He holds the fate, in the palm of the Undertaker, in his hands” VINTAGE MICHAEL COLE~!

Undertaker slams the door shut, and the referee is actually TERRIFIED to get close to it to lock it. AND HE’S ON THE OUTSIDE .

Orton is desperate to keep this match in the ring and keep it a WRESTLING match, in hopes of repeating the success he had at SummerSlam. However Undertaker is just UNSTOPPABLE early on, dominating Orton regardless of the cell being used as a weapon or not.

Once Undertaker is in firm control, the BEATING can commence. STEEL CHAIR TO THE HEAD. TWICE. Orton is bleeding and completely out on his feet. The Dead Man rubs his face into the side of the cage right in front of Daddy Orton. Note to self: Don’t set Undertaker on fire in a casket.

Randy manages to grab a chain, but he’s too fucked to use it. Instead, Undertaker grabs it and chokes out the Legend Killer! Man, Orton is taking one hell of a fucking beating here. He’s just getting MAULED and it’s fucking awesome.

There’s a great moment when Orton is on the floor and holds his head after going face first into the cage, and sees the blood all over he hands. From there he goes fucking nuts and manages to actually mount some offence… until Undertaker kicks the steel steps right back into him. Orton is going to need more than the sight of his own blood to motivate him tonight.

One opportunity. That’s all he needed. Bob talks trash to Undertaker. Undertaker turns to look at him. Turns back, and Orton jumps up, lands an RKO dropping Undertaker neck first on the ropes, and that gives him a chance to rest and FINALLY dish out some punishment to the man who has been murdering him for the last 10 minutes.

UNDERTAKER JUST JUMP OFF THE STEEL STEPS AND KNEED ORTON IN THE FUCKING FACE . I always remember the signal cutting out at that VERY MOMENT while watching live so we didn’t get to see the move fucking happen.

BOB ORTON again comes into play, grabbing Undertaker’s hair through the cell and holding him for Randy! In the end is results in poor old Bob getting busted open too.

POWERSLAM INTO THE SIDE OF THE CAGE~! Undertaker looked to be going for that running knee again, but Orton countered and powerslammed the Dead Man right into the cage!!!

Why are there rope breaks in a HIAC match? Doesn’t take away from the match but… seems kinda stupid .

LOW BLOW WITH A STEEL CHAIN~! Good job Undertaker already has kids… .

Absolutely crazy crossbody off the ropes to Undertaker through a table! The table cracks but doesn’t quite break, instead falls over which makes for an awkward looking landing for both men, Orton especially.

Hmmm… Orton has Undertaker in the corner. Mounts him for 10 punches. What could possibly happen here?

LAST RIDE~! Orton escapes! Thankfully. He’s wrestled Undertaker enough this year to see that coming and counter it, just like he did at No Mercy too.

REF BUMP~!

CHOKESLAM INTO AN RKO~!

BOB ORTON SNEAKS INTO THE CELL WHILE ANOTHER REFEREE COMES IN~!

MASSIVE Last Ride. Fuck me, that might be up there as one of the best. Some serious fucking height despite the fact there is a roof above them, and Orton crashes down to the mat.

Bob breaks up the pin, so Undertaker beats the shit out of him, and Bob bleeds on him, which pisses Undertaker off to no end because it turns out Bob has Hepatitis and didn’t tell anyone.

TOMBSTONE~! ORTON COUNTERS AND HITS A TOMBSTONE OF HIS OWN!!! He’s tried that at WM and SS and failed, but now, finally, in their last match he HITS IT!

1…2… UNDERTAKER IS ABOUT TO LOSE TO HIS OWN MOVE… KICK OUT!!!

Undertaker keeps sitting up, and Orton keeps punching him in the face until he can’t sit up no longer. Undertaker plays mind games with Orton though, pretending he can’t get up, and as Orton takes the time to be cocky and pose, Undertaker grabs him by the throat!!!

CHOKESLAM TO BOB~!

TOMBSTONE TO RANDY~!

The Undertaker wins.

Match is fucking superb. Absolutely BRUTAL Hell in a Cell match, up there with the absolute best. Both men take a ton of punishment, but Randy takes one hell of a fucking beating. Great way to end their feud.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

No Mercy 2005

 

This is the event that got me back into wrestling after I kinda gave up on it following WM 21 when Cena and Batista were both champions! I saw an advert hours before the event started, showing Eddie Guerrero Vs Batista which make me think we might see EDDIE win the title, and a CASKET MATCH with The Undertaker against Randy & Bob Orton!

 

MNM Vs LOD & Christy Hemme

Christy and Melina. FAP FAP FAP.

HEIDENROPE~! Good start to the match with Michael Cole unable to call Heidenreich by his actual name .

LOD want to kill MNM because not only did they interfere in a match on Smackdown, but they gave Christy the Snapshot!!!

DAMN!

Animal has a bad shoulder, so MNM focus their offence on it, and they are able to land a Snapshot within the first few minutes!

ANIMAL KICKS OUT!

Well… MNM just had their finisher nullified within the first 5 minutes. Where the fuck do they go from here?

Melina puts a head scissors on Animal. Everyone watching is jealous.

Animal hits a powerslam and has the chance to make a tag… so he goes for a cover instead . I hope Heidenreich kicks his injured arm out of his arm for that .

Melina tags herself in because she doesn’t want Animale to make a tag. Animal catches her and tags in Christy. DOOMSDAY DEVICE FROM ANIMAL AND CHRISTY TO MELINA~!

Melina totally sandbags being turned over into the pin .

Well this was fine. Fun. MNM rule.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Batista and Eddie! They wish each other good luck in the most unconvincing way EVER.

 

Simon Dean Vs Bobby Lashley

I remember when I saw this live. I obviously hadn’t watched for a couple of months and hadn’t seen Lashley before. I thought he was Monty Brown from TNA . That’s not racist, right?

20 DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS~! Well now I’m hungry. If Simon doesn’t win tonight, he’s gonna eat all 20 of the burgers!

So this is Lashley’s FIRST PPV. Damn, he was in the SVS Raw Vs SD match after only being on PPV ONCE before?

Simon Dean distracts the referee… BY THROWING BURGERS . Then he uses the tray to deck Lashley, who no sells it, and proceeds to botch a cool attempt at setting up the Dominator .

Squash city.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Is JBL standing on a box? Because fuck, he’s towering above Rey more than I think he should lol.

 

Chris Benoit Vs Christian Vs Booker T Vs Orlando Jordan – WWE United States Championship Match

Fans pop like crazy at the announcement of the fatal four way lol. Unsure of this one. Half the talent involved are tremendous. The other half are Booker T and Orlando Jordan.

Early on Benoit is on fire. Firsty he takes an awesome turnbuckle bump that sends him to the outside for a minute or so allowing the heels to double team Booker T. He bumps so fecking well from it you can easily believe that would take him out for a while. Then when he comes back in he fucking DOMINATES.

Bah, we end up with a Benoit/Booker staredown as the commentators CONSTANTLY tell us about their history with the Best of 7 Series in WCW over the US title. Almost like they want us to remember it in case they do something similar .

Benoit took that awesome bump into the turnbuckle, then Christian damn near kills himself bumping off the top rope to the floor! Benoit takes the same bump at the same time but doesn’t do it with quite the style of CAPTAIN CHARISMA~!

Basically everything good about this match comes from Benoit and Christian, be it their bumping or them on offence. The number of people surprised by this is equal to the number of people who think Chavo Guerrero Jr is a worthy addition to the family… .

In the end Benoit retains when he makes Christian tap out. This would also be the last WWE PPV Christian would wrestle on (he appeared at TT backstage as an option for a match) until 2009!

Nothing special here, but yeah, Benoit and Christian make it more than just watchable. I mostly had fun tbh.

Sharmell tells Booker that Chris Benoit is not his friend and he made him lose. Setting up that heel turn and Best of 7 Series. Urgh.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Mr Kennedy Vs Hardcore Holly

Is this Kennedy’s first PPV match? Why am I even wondering this. I’ve WATCHED all the PPV’s from 2005 prior to this one except for Vengeance, and I know he wasn’t on that one .

THE ALABAMA SLAMMA HARDCORE HOLLY . THAT’S HOW HE GETS INTRODUCED .

Holly beats Kennedy up. I have fun with it .

Then Kennedy works the arm. And by work I mean sits in a hold for about a minute. I stopped having fun at this point .

HO.LY.SHIT. Holly lands a flapjack on Kennedy that might be the most vicious version of the move I have EVER seen.

Then THIS happens:

Kennedy wins. This was pretty fucking awful tbh lol.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

JBL Vs Rey Mysterio

What was the deal with Jillian Hall’s thing on her face? Is that one of those infamous ideas that Vince McMahon thinks is hilarious and does it even though it’s retarded? The thing is quite obviously fake lol, nobody in their right mind think it’s real, yet everyone on the show always acts like it is .

Also, she is apparently JBL’s image consultant. What on earth, during all her time with him, did she ACTUALLY do? She’s the most useless non wrestler ever!

Mysterio plays cat and mouse with JBL, running away and tiring the big Texan out. Which begs the question WHY DOES JBL EVEN BOTHER RUNNING AFTER HIM EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME?

Ok, JBL is officially retarded. He uses Jillian to avoid a crossbody from Rey, who lands on the apron and doesn’t do the move. Then, while Mysterio is still standing on the apron… JBL TURNS AROUND AND SLOWLY WALKS AWAY, allowing Mysterio to still JUMP OFF THE FUCKING APRON onto him.

He makes up for it by sending Mysterio into the steel steps, then absolutely DESTROYS him in the corner .

FALL AWAY SLAM OFF THE ROPES~!

FALL AWAY SLAM IN THE RING~!

FALL AWAY SLAM ON THE FLOOR~!

MYSTERIO STILL KICKS OUT~!

JBL locks in a bear hug and makes it awesome by CLUBBING Mysterio’s back every now and then . Then it turns into a “Rey keeps trying for a comeback” match and that’s always awesome.

Mysterio looks to have this won and CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~!

Wasn’t really feeling this one tbh. Was ok, but didn’t really do it for me. Never thought much of their matches at all tbh.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs Randy Orton & Bob Orton – Handicap Casket Match

How fucking AWESOME are the look-a-like mannequins that WWE use? Must be kinda creepy for the guys to open a casket and see themselves in it lol.

And the biggest pop of the night goes to Undertaker’s GONG!

Gotta love how it takes MULTIPLE punches to take down BOB Orton, but Randy bumps from one . Not a complaint, don’t get me wrong, just amusing . BOB ORTON fucking rules so he can take as many punches to the face as he fucking wants before he goes down. Might I also say he fucking bumps and sells from those punches better than most of the roster at the time.

This is just a fucking MASTERCLASS on how to bump and sell punches. Randy does it pretty great as it is, but his Dad is on a whole other level. He can do it in the “realistic” style (as realistic as wrestling gets, anyway), but he can also throw in some old school stooge bumps too, like being hit, looking out of it and falling face first into one of the turnbuckle pads .

at Orton getting thrown over the ropes and hanging on to them for his life because the casket was open. Always good to see guys really play up the fear of being put in the casket.

OLD SCHOOL ON OLD SCHOOL~! Orton saves his Dad!

Double superplex!!! Bob Orton hit a superplex with Randy off the ropes!!! Guy is still taking bumps off the rope at his age!

Double DDT!!! Bob even takes a bump off that better than his son! Bob Orton is still fucking tremendous. Gotta love it!

Undertaker is doing a great job of keeping on top of the match despite being against 2 men. He hits Bob then turns his attention to Randy, who is obviously the guy you wanna work over more. Bob is great at still being a game changer with things like low blows and shit.

CHAIR TO RANDY~! RANDY IS IN THE CASKET!

TRIANGLE CHOKE TO BOB ORTON~! BOB IS IN THE CASKET!

Orton manages to get out before the lid is closed, leaving poor old Bob alone in the dark, while Undertaker and Orton can battle it out!

UNDERTAKER HITS RANDY WITH A FUCKING LOW BLOW . That’s how much Undertaker fucking hates Randy!

Gotta love how Randy realises his Dad is out of the match for the time being, and really turns up the aggression. But his arrogance costs him when he poses to the fans while on the ropes doing a 10 punch, and of course you just KNOW what’s gonna happen! Last Ride… avoided! Randy dodged it, but still ends up taking it anyway!!!

Undertaker has this in hand, opens the casket to put Randy in… and Bob Orton uses a fire extinguisher to blind the Dead Man! He can’t see, and walks right into an RKO!!!

BOB ORTON IS ROLLING UNDERTAKER INTO THE CASKET! BOB ORTON IS GONNA BEAT THE UNDER… CHOKE! UNDERTAKER IS CHOKING BOB! FIRE EXTINGUISHER TO THE HEAD! UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET! ORTON TRIES TO CLOSE THE LID AND… UNDERTAKER DRAGS HIM INSIDE!!!

The lid opens back up, and Undertaker takes a steel chair to the face! RANDY AND BOB WIN!!!

Then in a repeat of the 1998 Royal Rumble, they SET THE CASKET ON FIRE!!!

I swear this match gets better and better every time I watch it. It’s just beautiful. Bob is a tremendous worker even at his age. Orton is in his absolute PRIME, and Undertaker is better than he has been in years too. They work the handicap stip wonderfully, they use the casket and the fear the Orton’s have of it well, and everyone puts in one hell of a performance. I love it. Best. Casket Match. Ever.

Rating: ****1/2
CAL SCALE – 7

 

Juventud Guerrera Vs Nunzio – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Undertaker just got set on fire in a casket, so let’s follow up with stereotypical Mexicans riding lawn mowers!!!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

PIN ATTEMPT~!

Oh man, Nunzio takes one hell of a boot to the face.

Cole and Tazz spend about 5 minutes talking about Juventud’s name. Then Tazz literally says that there is also a CW title match going on so they should probably get back to it .

Sweet finish, but that’s about all I cared for in this one. Dull. New champ.

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Batista Vs Eddie Guerrero – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Eddie spent the better part of the year trying to rip Rey and his family apart. Now he just wants to be Batista’s friend! An interesting angle, that unfortunately we never got the end of . Was Eddie REALLY a changed man? Or was he gonna turn on Batista in order to become WHC?

The fans chanting for him and Eddie smiling and playing up to the crowd is great to see . I’M YOUR PAPI shirt! I bought that when I went to Raw the week after he passed away . Still got it. Doesn’t fit me, but I still got it.

No HATE~! or anything here, just two “friends” going for the WHC. Eddie keeps trying to take Batista down to the mat, but the POWER of the champion keeps him on his feet.

A slow start to this one, with neither man going all out just yet, but the fans are still into everything they are doing which is great. They work a simple standing headlock spot for a while, with Eddie trying to escape, but Batista being too powerful and preventing the escape, forcing Eddie to try something else.

Eddie just can’t seem to get going, and for a second he contemplates using a steel chair, but thinks better of it. Batista gets angry at the fact he even went for a chair, but his ANGER almost costs him the WHC as Eddie drops him throat first across the rope and lands a Frog Splash to the back!!! He kicks out, but the damage has now been done!

They keep playing up on Eddie almost reverting back to the “old” Eddie. He takes off the tag rope and looks to use it to choke out Batista, but like the chair, he throws is down and decides against it.

Batista keeps using his strength to fight out of various submission holds, but his back is too hurt for him to follow up, allowing Guerrero to keep control of the match and move one step closer to winning the gold!

SMALL PACKAGE FROM BATISTA~!

Holy shit at that ref bump. IT LOOKED ORGANIC!

With the referee down, Eddie gets a HUGE grin on his face, and he brings in another steel chair!!! But he can’t do it! I don’t think it quite gets the reaction Eddie wanted from it though; the fans BOO him for not nailing Batista with the chair lol.

All that hesitation from Guerrero gave Batista an opportunity to recover, and THE ANIMAL IS UNLEASHED!

Batista Bomb attempt is countered into a Sunset flip attempt! Batista sells the back and almost falls backwards, but musters up enough strength for a Spinebuster, then collapses to the floor in pain! HE’S ACTUALLY SELLING THE BACK!!! Why couldn’t he have done that at the end of the Backlask match with HHH?

3 AMIGOS~!

Frog Splash… no! Batista moves, and Eddie rolls through… then runs right into another Spinebuster! Batista retains!

Good match. Might have enjoyed it more this time around than I have in the past. It’s not great or a masterpiece for anything, and the stuff with the steel chair near the end feels like a poor man’s Piper/Bret from WM 8. Still, overall a good match with some nice storytelling, and Eddie really made sure Batista worked to his strengths in the match.

Eddie’s final PPV match ever . And he managed to get a good match out of Batista. Not bad .

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 11