Wrestling View

 

Night of Champions 2009

 

Title matches and stuff.

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Wow, Edge didn’t even make it to the next PPV after winning the tag titles?

THE AGE OF JERISHOW BEGINS~!

Anyone remember the rumours at the time as to who Jericho would pick? Just curious lol. Hilarious how many times Big Show has been the MYSTERY OPPONENT/PARTNER to replace someone, and he always seems to be a big disappointment to the fans too, because they always speculate that it’ll be someone HUGE like OMG ROCK OMG AUSTIN OMG HULK HOGAN and it never is .

Did… did Lawler just try to get Show’s strength over by… by… no of course he didn’t. He couldn’t have. No WAY could Lawler have tried to make Show’s strength seem impressive by saying… by saying…

HE CAN CRUSH A GRAPE .

Nothing like a good old fashioned HEEL VS HEEL match to open a PPV and get the fans going .

This is just a standard, by the numbers tag match. Nothing bad, just… not worth talking about tbh .

Big Show hits a nice SPEAR to DiBiase though .

In the end, DiBiase taps to Big Show’s “Colossal Clutch”.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

CM Punk interview to talk about his match with Jeff later tonight. Instead he takes the mic and wanders out into the crowd to try and figure out why the fans are still behind Hardy despite all the TRUTHS that Punk has told about him over the last few weeks. He decides that it’s the people’s PARENTS, or rather, PARENT, that is the problem.

 

Tommy Dreamer Vs Christian – ECW Championship Match

Time for Christian to win back the title .

Did you know? Christian can hover!!!

First offensive move from both men is a SLAP TO THE FACE, seems like a nice callback to a segment on ECW where Christian slapped Dreamer. Crazy that I remember that shit lol.

The ECW title has changed hands 12 times in Philly. Well DUH, it was like one of the only places ECW had shows .

Nice counter by Dreamer to Christian’s see-saw kick thing in the corner. He turns it into a neckbreaker!!!

Again Dreamer is able to counter one of Christian’s signature moves, this time just by dodging a dive on the outside, sending Christian crashing to the floor.

Dreamer is really made to look like a true champ in this match lol, constantly countering Christian at every turn. No matter what Captain Charisma does, Dreamer seems to have an answer.

Oh yey, here it comes. ECW taunt before that low dropkick. STOP IT.

As the match goes on, it seems that FATTY DREAMER doesn’t quite have the stamina of Christian, allowing Christian to finally begin to mount some decent offence without Dreamer countering him at every turn. And with Dreamer tiring, Christian can finally hit his signature move-set and begin to set Dreamer up for a possible Killswitch.

KILLSWITCH ENGAGED~!

Christian is one again the ECW Champion!!! And my Champion too . Only a true GOAT can get a great match out of Tommy Dreamer!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

JERISHOW INTERVIEW~! They aren’t friends, they are BUSINESS PARTNERS. Big Show goes to shake Jericho’s hand, but Jericho ends up grabbing the mic instead and Show ends up having to improvise and slap Todd’s arm instead .

 

Jack Swagger Vs Carlito Vs Primo Vs MVP Vs The Miz Vs Kofi Kingston – WWE United States Championship Match

Fuck me, look at the sheer UNTALENTED people in this match. Swagger is worlds above EVERYONE ELSE in this thing.

Primo is the replacement for Big Show who was originally part of the match. He and Carlito must have split up now because apparently Primo wants to kill Carlito.

2nd PPV title defence for Kofi, and the second time it’s been a multi-man match. Almost like nobody trusts him in a singles match on PPV .

Oh ffs. Seriously, EVERY TIME the US title is on the line, Cole tells us about all the Hall of Famers who have won it, and gives us a fucking list. Yeah, Steve Austin and Ric Flair are two former US champs, so maybe is Primo wins here he’ll be a future HOF’er and a GOAT. Fucking morons.

GUT WRENCH POWERBOMB~! Swagger almost wins the US title right there, but stupid Carlito has to break up the count. Fuck you, Carlito. I hope you choke on that apple .

Man, Swagger is rocking this match. Taking guys out, avoiding crazy dives, and hitting a double powerbomb in the corner while the two guys getting powerbombed were doing a superplex. He’s like the Regal of the 4 way US title match from the last PPV!

Also, oh hey, Miz is in this match . He’s barely fucking done anything .

Carlito and Primo almost try to get back on the same page but… Swagger fucks it up for em . Swagger is the BOSS here tonight!

Primo hits the Backstabber on his brother and gets a Trouble in Paradise to the back of the head for his troubles, and Kofi retains. Bah.

Swagger was all over this match and carried it by himself. Impressive as fuck. Yet Kofi is the one to win.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Michelle McCool Vs Melina – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Rematch from THE BASH? Sure, why not!

SPEAR~! Melina wasting no time here.

MATRIX~! Melina now stealing Trish’s move .

ARM DRA… Well, she tried an Arm Drag .

Melina quite literally kicking the shit out of Michelle, until she ends up missing a Mark Henry type running Guillotine moves in the ropes and crashes to the floor.

Always hilariously awesome to see Melina taking a submission move involving the legs because she can bend them in ways I didn’t think were possible .

STANDING DDT ON THE BARRICADE~! Well damn, that was awesome! And not something you’d normally expect from a women’s match! Shame Melina basically no sells it right after .

Who needs Sasha Banks Vs Bayley or whoever else when we’ve got SCREAMING MELINA and MICHELLE MCUNDERTAKER!!!

Lots of hard hitting KICKS in this one too .

Plus some great unique offence from both women! This is one hell of a match, and surpassing their good BASH match too!

Holy fuck at that Belly to Belly from McCool. Looked better than any of Shamrock’s belly to belly’s!

Quick counter cradle allows McCool to get the win here, and she just barely makes it out with her title!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Randy Orton Vs Triple H Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

Oh boy. Any combination of these three wrestlers is rarely good. But I seem to recal somewhat enjoying their WM 24 match, so I’m hoping this will at least be fun.

Orton starts off by sliding out of the ring, but HHH and Cena work together to chase him back in. They aren’t gonna spend time going after each other while Orton stands and watches. They’ll work together-ish to maul Orton and THEN turn their attention on each other. No bullshitty “yey babyfaces are all friends” stuff, just two guys with equal hate for Orton and are willing to leave each other alone for the time being.

Cena ends up being launched off the apron and collides with HHH, allowing Orton to finally take a breather and gain some sort of control in this triple threat match. Yey, we get a bit of Orton Vs Cena one on one for a while…

Fuck me I just remembered that Orton and Cena still have more matches to come on PPV this year . Oh god one of them is an hour long iron man match isn’t it? Only a handful of shows left and I’ll have finished a full DECADE of WWE PPV’s… and it’s gonna take everything I have to make it through to the end .

Huh, HHH and Orton are in the ring together now. Where the fuck did Cena go? And where did HHH come from? HOW DID I MISS THAT?

Cena does that top rope leg drop to BOTH men… but manages to COMPLETELY MISS BOTH MEN . The fans immediately boo .

Urgh, HHH and Cena end up in the ring alone and try for a big staredown, with Cena looking around at the crowd just BEGGING them to try and see this as a big deal, but nobody does . Almost like the Cena/Orton moment in one of the Royal Rumble matches .

PUDIGREE~!

Orton pulls HHH off Cena to prevent him from potentially winning the title. LOL, like ONE finisher is gonna end the match .

Orton gets thrown off the announce table into the crowd and nearly kills a couple of people .

Super smart Cena locks in the STFU on HHH. On the announce table. In a match where you can only win in the ring. Almost as bad as him trying to grow to apply the hold to Big Show…

Oh man how awesome an angle would that have been? Cena/Show building up to their submission match with Cena having a bunch of vignettes showing him trying to grow, by stretching, standing in a flowerpot and getting watered etc . RATINGS GOLD~!

Randy’s balls get squished on the ropes, allowing Cena to apply the STFU INSIDE THE RING this time. HHH holds on long enough to pull a retarded face and attempt a PUNT to break things up, but Cena moves. The hold was still broken though!

Yey Orton is now stomping both Cena and HHH nonstop for about a minute. Exciting.

SHARPSHOOTER AND CROSSFACE APPLIED TO ORTON AT THE SAME TIME~!

ORTON TAPS~!

THE REFEREE IS CONFUSED AS FUCK~!

LEGACY SHOW UP TO ATTACK CENA AND HHH~!

THE REFEREE IS CONFUSED AS FUCK~!

Cena is about to AA Cody, but Orton hits the RKO and Cody falls on top of Cena! Orton retains his title.

So overall this match was… not bad/awful or anything, but nothing to make me call it particularly good. It’s watchable and nothing more.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Mickie James Vs Maryse – WWE Divas Championship Match

I’m a Mickie James fan, but I don’t think I care enough about seeing a Maryse match…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Well, I always like Rey, and I was getting behind Ziggler at the time, so hopefully I can still enjoy a matchup between the two .

I wonder what Cole and Lawler are talking about in the background… Lawler just pointed to his heart, then over at JR and they both started laughing.

TURNBUCKLE POWERBOMB~! And no old men were injured!!!

Does Ziggler do that hand stand sleeper hold any more? I try and avoid his current matches because he seems to have completely forgotten how to have a wrestling match… but anyways, I always kinda liked that move. One of the few things he actually did to add to his “show off” character .

So fun when Rey does the spot where he gets thrown out of the ring and he slides on his stomach and flies into something on the outside, here being the announce table .

Ziggler has been focusing on the neck of Rey pretty much the entire match, so it’s nice to see that while he isn’t doing anything special, he is at least sticking to a nice simple story and executing it well. If this were 2015 he’d have hit about 8 finishers by now and kicked out of a few of Rey’s too…

The crowd have been DEAD for most of this match btw. In fact they’ve been pretty dead for most of the night, only getting excited for big spots and shit.

A well timed DROPKICK to counter Rey coming off the ropes adds a potential stomach injury to Mysterio aside from the neck, and Dolph takes advantage of that with a Malenko-like SUPER GUT BUSTER!!!

And then about 20 seconds after Rey kicks out of that… he’s hit the 619 and a splash for the win .

Finish just came out of nowhere, and was kinda disappointing. Match isn’t special, but it’s a solid showing from both men, and reminded me that Ziggler wasn’t always an utterly useless spot reliant fuck.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

CM Punk Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Let’s hope this one is better than their THE BASH match, which was dull as fuck outside of like 2 spots.

Punk trying to chain wrestler is hilarious to watch because he ain’t exactly smooth at it .

Nice roll reversal of sorts here with PUNK diving out of the ring and crashing and burning, rather than Jeff doing it.

Aaaaand then Jeff crashes and burns too .

Welp, this is dull too. Punk works over Jeff after the crash and burn… Hardy makes a comeback… crowd don’t care and neither do I.

Finally, something fun happens when Jeff misses a Swanton, and Punk capitalises with a double arm backbreaker right into a Dragon Sleeper . Though honestly Jeff should have tapped out there imo.

Punk lets Jeff get up and begins to hit numerous strikes, only to get a Twist of Fate out of nowhere!!!

SWANTON~!

COUNTERED WITH KNEES~!

KICKOUT~!

GTS~!

HARDY KICKS OUT~!

Punk cannot believe that Jeff is still going… so he decides “fuck it”, grabs his belt and tries to leave!

Hardy drags Punk’s hobo arse back into the ring, hits the Twist of Fate and a Swanton Bomb, and we have a NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!

Wow, I’m actually shocked! I thought Punk retained in this match lol!!!

First half of this match is dull as shit, but once they start hitting the big moves and whatnot it actually picks up and gets interesting, and you are on the edge of your seat wondering when the finish will actually come. Not knowing Hardy won was also a good surprise for me with the finish too lol.

So like… pretty much this entire show, the match wasn’t awful, but wasn’t anything to really write home about.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8

 

The Bash 2009

 

THE BASH~!

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger Vs Finlay Vs Tommy Dreamer Vs Mark Henry – ECW Championship Scramble Match

Woo, a scramble match! ECW one in 08 was super fun, and I remember this being fun too . Helps that we start with Christian Vs Swagger .

Typical greatness from these two while we await the arrival of another participant in the match. Man, I could watch Christian Vs Swagger every day for a year straight. If this were the 80’s they WOULD have wrestled every day for a year lol.

FINLAY IS THE THIRD MAN~! Man, how GOAT would the NWO have really been if FINLAY was the third man in 1996?

Swagger is the first to get a pin and be the current ECW Champ when he goes after Finlay’s eyes, which were injured a few weeks ago, and rolls him up! So now Swagger needs to prevent any other pins or submissions from happening and he’ll be the champion when this match is over. But it’s gonna be hard to do that are more superstars enter the match!

FATTY DREAMER~! The ECW Champion has made his way into the match, but he MUST get a pin or submission now to make sure he keeps the title because Swagger is the current holder of the title!

Urgh, than damn ECW taunt. Fuck off. Urgh, then he botches being thrown into the fucking corner, and ends up collapsing on the floor and landing on Christian.

Swagger makes the mistake of trying to attack Finlay while the doctor is checking him over, but ends up getting sent face first into the ring post, then gets hit with the… the ummm… Finlay’s finisher and now FINLAY is the current ECW champion!!!

MARK MOTHERFUCKING HENRY makes his way into the ring and the first move he hits takes out SWAGGER, CHRISTIAN AND DREAMER. Can anyone stop the World’s Strongest Man? Dreamer can’t, as he ends up feeling the power of a World’s Strongest Slam, and Henry has already made his MARK on this match by becoming the new champion already!!!

Everyone decides to gang up on Henry, because one on one, he’ll fucking MURDER THEM.

DIVE~!

DIVE~!

DIVE~!

Oh shit Henry is climbing the ropes for a dive of his own!!! Bah, Swagger stops him. Just ONCE I wanna see a big fatty dive over the top rope .

SWAGGER PINS HENRY~! With that Vader Bomb in the corner than never beats anyone. THE FUCK?

KILLSWITCH~! Christian was seconds away from pinning Swagger, but Dreamer pulls him off, hits a DDT and gets the 3!!! A minute left on the clock and Dreamer is looking set to retain his title!!!

Everyone is SCRAMBLING for a pin (ha, get it? Scrambling? In a SCRAMBLE match? HAHAHAHAHAHA I think I’ve made this joke before…).

Time is up, and FATTY DREAMER retains his ECW Championship and he can’t believe it .

Yet another fun ECW title match on PPV in 2009!!!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge is complaining to Teddy Long about not being on the show tonight. Woo no Edge match!

 

Chris Jericho Vs Rey Mysterio – WWE Intercontinental Championship Vs Mask Match

Title Vs Mask!

This match is considered the absolute best of their 09 series, and gets rated very high. Last time I saw it I didn’t care for it as much as most people as it felt far too choreographed, which took me out of it a bit.

Tonight is the BIGGEST NIGHT in Mysterio’s career, apparently. So, WM 22 wasn’t?

Seems to be a bigger problem here than things looking too choreographed tbh. They just seem to be going back and forth trading moves, with nothing to tie them all together. It’s just HIGH SPOT HIGH SPOT HIGH SPOT COUNTER COUNTER HIGH SPOT.

I think I’ve just witnessed the worst spot in a wrestling match. Jericho tries to do something to Rey on the top rope, but Rey holds on and Jericho… Jericho throws himself back off the rope to the mat and… it looks so terrible and fake.

Jericho rips off Mysterio’s mask, but he has another on underneath and quickly hits a 619 and splash to regain the IC title and keep his mask.

Wow, I really didn’t like this much at all. Considered by many to be the best in their series, but me? Worst, for sure.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

The Great Khali Vs Dolph Ziggler

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Carlito & Primo Vs Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes Vs Edge & Chris Jericho – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Teddy Long shows up and makes it a triple threat tag team match by adding in Edge & Jericho, in an attempt to impress Mr McMahon while on probation. This was also the birth of Edge & Jericho trying to become the new 2 Man Power Trip… until Edge injures himself .

THE COLON’S DUMPING JERICHO~!

Some solid tag work by Cody and Teddy, as they work over Primo and keep making quick tags and whatnot. But it’s nothing special or amazing or anything. Best part was when Cody accidentally went over to Jericho and Edge’s corner, allowing Edge to tag into the match finally… then he goes for a Spear, misses and gets tagged out immediately by Ted DiBiase .

A hot tag to Carlito, then Edge tags himself in, hits a Spear and wins the match and the titles for himself and Jericho.

Meh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Oh noes Legacy are falling apart!!!

 

Melina Vs Michelle McCool – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Mrs Undertaker Vs Mrs Just About Everyone!

Damn, Melina is really going after McCool here. She wants REVENGE for… some sort of jaw injury or something? I dunno, no video package means I’m lost with most feuds lol.

FUCK YO LEG. That’s Michelle’s plan here it seems.

Well these two have a pretty damn good match, certainly one of the best on this show so far. McCool becomes the NEW champion when she hits the Styles Clash!

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

CM Punk Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Punk cashed in MITB on Jeff at ER, and now Jeff is getting his rematch… all the while bitching that Punk “stole” the title from him by doing exactly what the MITB was made for. The fans aren’t as behind Punk any more either. Oh sure, they loved it when he “stole” the title from Edge in 08 by cashing in MITB, but doing it to Jeff? OMG WORST PERSON EVER.

Oh god Grishm is once again referring to Jeff as a gambler/poker player .

First 2 minutes or so of this match are pretty much HEADLOCKS~! from both men. And not done in an exciting way, either.

Ahhhh fun times . Hardy CRASHES AND BURNS trying to dive off the steel steps and smashes into the barricade. See kids, this is why you should learn to wrestle and not rely on jumpy jumpy flip flip .

Punk works the back a little, and Hardy comes back with nothing but clotheslines it seems. Sometimes normal ones, sometimes ones that cause him to fall to the mat, and sometimes diving ones off the apron. Plenty of clotheslines no matter what. Exciting.

TWIST OF FATE OUTTA NOWHERE~!

SWANTON CRASH AND BURN~!

KICK TO THE HEAD~!

GTS COUNTERED INTO A TWIST OF FATE~!

SWANTON BOMB~!

1…2…3!!! NEW WORLD CHAMPION! NEW WORLD CHAMPION!

NO WAIT!!! PUNK’S LEG WAS UNDER THE ROPE! PUNK’S LEG WAS UNDER THE ROPE! THE MATCH IS CONTINUING!

So the match is staring again, Punk attempts a GTS again, gets elbowed in the FACE and seems to be hurting. The referee checks on him, then Punk ends up kicking the referee in the back “by mistake” because he couldn’t see properly .

Hardy continues to attack Punk after the match because he’s a fucking bitch .

Match was blargh.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs The Miz

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship 3 Stages of Hell Match

Oh god.

Also… Orton is champion again. I… have no recollection of how he won it back .

Looked it up. So Batista was injured and had to vacate the title. Again. Orton wins it in a 4 way, HHH wins a 10 man battle royal to become #1 contender… and that brings us to this match. A hell match. I mean, 3 stages of hell. Either way it’s gonna be torture for me.

Right then. First fall is a straight up wrestling match. Second fall is a no holds barred match. Third fall, if needed (and it will be, because it always fucking is), is a stretcher match.

Oh my god this match has no hope. It starts off awful. I was maybe hoping it might possibly be potentially decent, as they HAVE had some non-bad matches in the past, but nope. Not tonight. They are starting off this thing as shitty as possible and I don’t see it getting any better.

HHH decks Orton with a chair and loses the first fall via DQ, but gets to maul Orton with the steel chair going into the no holds barred match.

PEDIGREE ON THE FLOOR~! Oh ok, this is falls count anywhere, not no holds barred. Because HHH just pinned Orton on the floor to win the second fall .

STRETCHER MATCH TIME~!

20 minutes left .

“MOM I LOVE YOU” can be heard clear as day from someone in the crowd .

Shitty “in the crowd” brawling, from two guys who are kinda bad at brawling. Just what this match needed.

Fuck me, this is beyond DULL. I’d have more fun watching moss growing in real time.

Pedigree on the steel. Yawn.

Just as HHH is about to win, Cody shows up for the save. Magical. Then Teddy shows up to make another save when Cody is taken out. When they teased Legacy breaking up, I totally didn’t expect this to happen… [/sarcasm]

In the end, Orton retains. I however lose my sanity.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 1.5

 

Extreme Rules 2009

 

Yey, looks like a bunch of rematches on this show… BUT WITH GIMMICKS~!

 

Kofi Kingston Vs William Regal Vs Matt Hardy Vs MVP – United States Championship Match

So Kofi is the US champ… magical. And he won it from MVP. Oh god… I can’t even begin to imagine how awful that was.

“Here’s a man who rarely smiles in William Regal” right as Regal is smiling on his way to the ring. Keep up the good work, Cole!

Only in wrestling can a guy with a cast on his arm still compete in an athletic contest lol.

I wish this was just a Matt Vs Regal match .

Regal throwing Matt to the babyfaces . Oh yeah, MVP is a face during this time. He’s terrible at it.

Regal mauling Kofi .

Poor Matt. He’s having no luck. Already got a broken hand/arm, gets thrown to MVP and Kofi at the start by Regal, then the first time he tries to get back into the ring, he’s knocked off the apron during an Irish Whip spot .

OH GOD NO. PLEASE STOP. STOP NOW. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. STOP THE OFFENCE, KOFI!!!

Regal catches Kofi trying a Trouble in Paradise, and just launches him into Matt with a modified suplex . Man, Regal is the MAN, man.

Oh of course, Regal rules this match and is the one to take the pin, and off a terrible Trouble in Paradise too. Kofi can’t even hit his own fucking finisher right. Prick.

Regal was the only good thing in this entire match. And he legit rocked.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Josh Matthews goes out to Big Show’s bus to interview him. This is from earlier in the day. I like how Big Show is just hanging out in his bus during the day in his wrestling gear .

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Chris Jericho – No Holds Barred Intercontinental Championship Match

Jericho is at the merch stand cutting a promo about Mysterio’s masks being sold and shit. He hates Rey’s mask. He wants Rey’s mask. I think this feud is about Rey’s mask.

Gotta love how this whole match is about Jericho wanting to show the world what Rey is like under the mask. Because we never saw him without the mask in WCW .

Mysterio bringing the HATE~! right off the bat . Always cool to see Rey change shit up. Ha, he just smashed the announce table cover over Jericho’s head . He ain’t wasting no time to make use of the no DQ rules of this match!!!

fucking SWEET spot with Mysterio avoiding being sent into the steel steps by… flipping over them! And then dropkicking them right back into Jericho! Rey is BEATING UP CHRIS JERICHO!!!

Despite Jericho seemingly taking control of the match, Mysterio just keeps fighting back and constantly takes the FIGHT to Jericho, mixing up some aggression with his high flying offence. Also, gotta love the collision between the two as Jericho tries to counter a 619 attempt by shoulder blocking Rey, but Rey is running full speed and Jericho gets smashed to the floor just as much as Rey.

OMG JERICHO ALMOST GOT THE MASK OFF~!

But trying to remove the mask just seems… stupid as it forces Rey to start flailing his legs around to kick Jericho in the face, then he gets time to recover and even avoid Jericho running at him, which sends Jericho crashing into the ring post and from there it’s a Rey showcase with dives and high flying moves. Maybe Jericho should concentrate on trying to WIN first .

Lol, Jericho just hit Kevin Owen’s powerbomb .

CODE BREAKER TO COUNTER THE SPLASH FROM REY~!

REY KICKS OUT~!

Huh, the Code Breaker not working. HOW SHOCKING…

WALLS OF JERICHO~!

But there is a chair in the ring, and after battling with it for a while to fold it back up, Rey is able to smack Jericho in the head with it!!!

619~!

Jericho counters and pulls the mask off! Roll up for the 3 count!!! Jericho wins and did it by unmasking Mysterio!!! He’s covering up his face, but Jericho still did what he said he’d do!!!

Good match here, but I think I preferred their JD match to it.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Batista and Josh Matthews with matching hair cuts! They show a video of Orton and Flair in a FIGHT TO THE FINISH on Raw. Flair is fucking destroying Orton until Legacy get involved. WHY IS FLAIR NOT THE #1 CONTENDER?!?!? Sure, he’s retired, but… COME ONE . Also, Batista can’t rip the door off… so instead of CLIMBING IN AND SAVING FLAIR, he just screams on the outside .

 

CM Punk Vs Umaga – Samoan Strap Match

Enjoyed their JD match, so I’m hoping for something good here, even with the stipulation.

Having guys spend the match trying to touch each turnbuckle isn’t the best match idea, but thankfully the work in between those spots by these two is really good. Plenty of good uses of the strap, especially to prevent each other from hitting all 4 corners. These two had some really good chemistry.

In the end, a GTS allows Punk to hit all 4 corners and get the win. I enjoyed this a ton, and was spending more time watching it than writing about it lol.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

CHRISTIAN . ECW Champion . He hopes he and Dreamer can still be friends tonight after he retires him.

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger Vs Tommy Dreamer – ECW Rules ECW Championship Match

If Dreamer does not win the title here tonight, he’s DONE. Oh how I wish he didn’t win . Yeah, I know he wins. I remember this match rather well. I enjoyed it a bunch when I did my ECW 09 project. Just another match that makes me love ECW and Christian’s ECW run in 2009 .

Swagger uses his size, power and WRESTLING skills to take out both his opponents early on… so both Christian and Dreamer grab weapons and begin to batter the former ECW champion silly!!!

Still at Swagger falling out of the ring and nearly landing in a trash can. Oh if only he’d actually landed in it. I’d HAVE to give the match the full 5 stars .

Dreamer with an awesome dive off the apron using the trash can to CRUSH both Christian and Swagger! Amma call that move the Dreamroller!

Still fucking hate that ECW taunt thing Dreamer does. Looks so fucking forced. at Christian tripping him up right after it, then doing it himself and doing to Swagger what Dreamer was gonna do .

Man, every time I watch one of these awesome ECW 09 matches with Swagger, I just feel worse about how the guy is used these days. And by used, I mean I don’t remember the last time I even saw him on TV. He was so fucking talented, but for whatever reason he keeps getting pushed backwards and never really given a chance to be awesome again.

Swagger sets up 3 trash cans in a row in the middle of the ring, and he’s gonna superplex Dreamer into them!!! No wait, Christian shows up for a powerbomb too!!! Dreamer barely hits any of the trash cans, but the spot still looked great . About 2 people in the crowd try to start an “Oh My God” chant . It lasts about 5 seconds .

A cool finishing sequence, and then we see Dreamer hitting a DDT and becoming the NEW ECW Champion. Yey. He’s not retired. Yey.

So aside from Dreamer winning, this is a super fun match . Even Dreamer looked great in it, really putting on a show. Just wish he’d stop fucking crying. Wuss.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Chabo is backstage trying to fire up Vickie by making pig noises. She punches him in the nose .

 

Vickie Guerrero Vs Santina – Hog Pen Match

This PPV was going so well…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Goldust telling Vickie she smells like SHIT . He covers it up, eventually, by saying Shiitake Mushrooms. Edge is waiting for Vickie and announces they are getting divorced. Wow, they were still together at this point?

 

Randy Orton Vs Batista – Steel Cage WWE Championship Match

Urgh. Their JD match was boring as fuck. Steel cage matches on PPV are typically bad. I have zero expectations for this.

The build up video for this is basically more Flair/Orton . Makes me wanna see Orton and Flair in a cage again. They did a good job a few years earlier. Would certainly be better than what Batista and Orton are gonna do .

Hello alcohol, my old friend . Nice of you to stop by and help me with this match!

Huh, this beer is 1.7 units in the UK, but only 1.3 in the ROI? I guess that explains a few things .

Batista wins the match with a Batista Bomb in a match that thankfully seems to have been really short lol. Almost nothing happened .

Pretty shitty way for Orton’s reign to end though.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs The Big Show – Submission Match

So last month, Cena was unable to lock in the STFU cos he’s too short, and now he’s in a submission match with the same guy. Odds of him winning with the STFU? Pretty darn good I think!

30 seconds in and Cena again goes for the STFU . YOU AIN’T BIG ENOUGH, JOHN!

BIG SHOW’S RING IS 22.5 INCHES~!

Wow, Big Show has a huge ring and Cena isn’t big enough .

By 2009 we’ve seen Cena overcome so many BIG MEN, INCLUDING THE BIG SHOW ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS, and the damn commentators and still trying to make us believe for a second than Cena cannot do it this time. Pisses me the fuck off.

Fuck me this is dull.

Oh look Cena couldn’t slam Big Show…

HOW LONG DOES THIS LAST FOR?

20 MINUTES?

TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES?

I NEED MORE ALCOHOL.

OH MY GOD CENA HIT THE AA ON BIG SHOW I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT I SWEAR TO GOD I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE IT’S THE MOST IMPRESSIVE THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE HOW DID CENA DO IT THAT WAS INCREDIBLE I’M MARKING OUT BRO~!

Since Cena can’t lock in the STFU on Big Show, he uses the ropes to hook Show’s leg and then apply the crossface and Show finally taps out and thank FUCK this is over.

So. Boring.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match

Oh yey now I gotta sit through a 20 minute spotfest with two guys I don’t like. The first half of this show was sooo fucking good… and then it DIED.

At least this PPV ends on a happy note . I just gotta sit through 20 minutes of this first .

Spot. Spot spot. Spot. Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot Spot. Spot Spot Spot. Spot.

SPOT~!

STOP SETTING THE LADDER UP IN THE CORNER. NOBODY THINKS YOU ARE GOING TO CLIMB AND GRAB THE BELT FROM THERE. YOU ARE BLATANTLY SETTING UP ANOTHER FUCKING SPOT. STOP IT.

WHY ARE YOU BOTH CLIMBING A LADDER ON THE FUCKING FLOOR?!?! OH, SETTING UP ANOTHER SPOT. OF COURSE. BECAUSE FUCK YOU.

WHY ARE THERE MULTIPLE REFEREE’S OUT HERE? WHY IS ONE IN THE RING TAKING A BUMP? THIS IS A FUCKING LADDER MATCH .

Jeff wins.

Is this the worst WWE ladder match ever?

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Well thankfully CM PUNK comes out to cash in Money in the Bank and let the fans go home happy!!! CM PUNK IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~! And so begins his awesome slow heel turn .

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 7

 

Judgment Day 2009

 

So Big Show Vs Cena is on this show and… I remember nothing else. I have a feeling I ain’t gonna like a lot of what’s on offer here.

 

CM Punk Vs Umaga

PPV is in Chicago so Punk is kinda OVER.

I don’t remember Umaga getting a new theme. Is this just some DVD edit? Which would make no sense because he’s been on tons of PPV’s with his old theme so… I guess I just didn’t notice he got a theme change at the time? That sounds more likely.

What’s that spinny-slam thing Umaga does? I forgot the name, but it always looks incredible and fuck me he launches Punk with it.

Love how Umaga has a submission in on Punk, who then grabs the ropes to break the hold, so Umaga just gets up and JUMPS on Punk’s arm while he’s holding the ropes. THAT’LL TEACH YOU FOR USING A ROPE BREAK YOU PUSSY.

So the first half of this is kinda iffy. I mean, it’s not awful, but it seems that whenever Umaga gains control, he just wants to apply a fucking VULCAN DEATH GRIP. Does Vince masturbate to that hold or something because I swear EVERY big man in WWE seems to use it at some point. But in between those boring holds we have Punk fighting back for his life, and Umaga using his FATNESS to put an end to Punk’s offence.

Once they start going into another gear and towards the finishing stretch, shit gets GOOD. Holy fuck Punk just runs into Umaga a few times with knees and kicks to the face and UMAGA DOESN’T PROTECT HIMSELF. He just stands there and is all “FUCK YOU I AIN’T GOING DOWN” .

Umaga really looks like a fucking BEAST during this entire match, just taking kick after kick after kick to the head and STILL coming back like the Samoan Terminator. In the end he taks THREE roundhouse kicks to the head, then murders Punk with the Samoan Spike for the win.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

A segment with Chabo and Vickie. Oh joy. Turns out Cena has been medically cleared AFTER BEING BLOWN UP THREE WEEKS AGO to wrestle THE BIG SHOW. Punk was right about the WWE doctors .

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger – ECW Championship Match

Rematch .

Remember when Swagger had a bright future? Ahh, the good old days.

BITCH SLAPS~!

Christian gets Swagger pissed off with BITCH SLAPS, then runs out of the ring and forces Swagger to chase him so he can get the jump on him as they get back into the ring. Swagger recovers and tries for a huge body press slam like at Backlash, but Christian remembers and counters into a Killswitch attempt where Swagger nearly shits himself!!! Great opening sequence that played off their Backlash match!!! I <3 stuff like this .

Once again it’s Swagger’s POWER that puts him in control of the match, first with a huge shoulder block off the apron which looked nasty… and then Swagger just fucking LAUNCHES Christian INTO the ring post from the floor . A nice way to basically modify what he did at Backlash, as that didn’t work this time around . THIS is how you have a fucking re-match!

OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE~! Christian counters it AGAIN, but this time Swagger isn’t able to recover and finish off hitting the hold!

See-Saw kick thingy in the corner from Christian . Always enjoyed that move .

Has there ever been a better series of matches between two people that really showcase one wrestler as being the wily veteran and the other wrestler as the rookie with tons of potential? Because that’s what all of the matches between these two seem to show, and show REALLY FUCKING WELL.

Love the finish to this match too, which is again playing off their Backlash match. At Backlash, Christian exposed the turnbuckle to smash Swagger into it while the referee was busy fixing the other exposed turnbuckle that Swagger was trying to use. Here, Swagger rolls up Christian and grabs the tights but only gets a two count because the referee saw it. A few moments later and Christian does the exact same thing to him but gets away with it and retains the title!!!

Fantastic match and I don’t think I’ve loved it any more than right now. Sure it’s not quite on the same level as Backlash, but I’m doubting anything on this show from here is going to come close to it, and I can see myself thinking it’s still one of the better matches of the year when I’m done with 2009 .

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Shelton Benjamin Vs John Morrison

Charlie Hass is back with Shelton? In 2009? I… remember NONE OF THIS.

Speaking of remembering NONE OF THIS… why is this match happening? No video package, no title on the line… just 2 guys having a random match on PPV apparently.

Oh ok, this is happening because Morrison already beat Shelton. MAKES SENSE…

Fun start to this one with the first move being an EXPLODER SUPLEX from Shelton .

YOU SAW NOTHING!!!

Impressive? Yes. STUPID? Fuck yes. If Shelton didn’t basically move forward to catch Morrison who clearly didn’t get the distance he was looking for, it would have been a 450 SPLAT.

WINNING AT JUDGMENT DAY IS BIG FOR ANYONE~!

Ahhh, rest holds. A match between two of the “best athletes in the company” and they are just sitting about with a sleeper hold. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

AMG MORRISON COUNTERED A SLEEPER WITH… HIS OWN SLEEPER!!!

Benjamin almost kills Morrison when he catches him coming off the rope in one corner, then tried to keep him in position so he can run to the other corner and powerbomb him… and nearly falls over before he gets there, sending Morrison into the turnbuckle a little too early.

Oh look starship pain. Morrison won.

This was shit and dull and shit and dull.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Jiz shows up and spends far too long talking.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Chris Jericho – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Ahhh SD 2009 after the draft. A ton of great talent and a real emphasis on great matches. One of the things they did during this time as well was put more focus on the IC title, by giving it to Rey and having him feud, actually FEUD, with Jericho. With the main focus of the feud being the TITLE. I have a lot of fond memories of SD 09 in general (in fact I do believe I have the entire year on my PC…), and I do remember enjoying this whole feud, and it’s matches… though never to the exstent that everyone else tends to .

Taken me almost THREE WEEKS to actually start watching this match. I stopped originally because it was late and I was tired. After that… thanks to current wrestling being so bad, I’ve just been put off of ANY wrestling. But now, with some ALCOHOL~! in me, I’m hoping to get back into this!

Seems that this match is all about the 619, and Jericho being determined to avoid it while also potentially unmasking Rey. Simple enough and real easy to work into the match .

Jericho does his best to be AGGRESSIVE as a HEEL, which ends up getting him a pretty loud JERICHO chant from the crowd, while Rey uses his speed to make Jericho look like a chump. Fun times!

Pretty awesome LEG DROP from Rey. Think Undertaker’s apron leg drop, but from the top rope and with his opponent see-sawing on the bottom rope .

How many surgeries has Rey had on his knees? I think it was 9 when he recorded the “Don’t try this at home” footage… and that was YEARS before this match. Not surprised it’s been so many because the amount of times he bumps and hangs himself in the ropes by his knee is INSANE.

KICK TO THE HEAD~! JERICHO IS IN POSITION FOR THE 619!!! Really like the back body drop type move Jericho does to counter this. It’s not a proper back body drop and looks a little sloppy, but really puts over the fact that Jericho just managed to escape the hold and counter Rey without thinking. And no, that’s not to say it was a botch of any kind either.

BACK BREAKER~! Not a typical one, but more of a Torture Rack combined with the… Train Wreck? Or De-railer? That back breaker move A-Train did .

JERICHO GOES FOR THE MASK~!

Crazy that the crowd goes APESHIT when Jericho is about to lock in the Walls, but then equally go APESHIT when Rey counters out of it. Good to know the fans are still behind the BABYFACE even if they love Jericho too.

Another 619 attempt, but Jericho just avoids it this time.

Another Walls of Jericho attempt, and Rey counters to set up another 619, but Jericho then counters that into another Walls which is successful!!! WHICH MYSTERIO TAP OUT?!?!?

No, no he will not .

After some more struggling, Mysterio FINALLY hits the 619, follows it up with the splash and Mysterio retains the title in one hell of a match!!!

Was kinda sceptical on this match tbh. People rate their 09 series REALLY high and I’ve personally never been too high on them. But I definitely loved the hell out of this one, and while I know ONE of their upcoming matches is still likely to be overrated imo, I’m hoping the other (or others? I forget how many they had lol) is similar to this one .

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Randy Orton Vs Batista – WWE Championship Match

Oh god I need more alcohol…

*1 week later*

FINE I’LL WATCH IT.

Yey, the match starts with stalling. Exactly what I was hoping for…

HEADLOCK~! Oh man this just gets better…

I THINK YOU CAN DESCRIBE RANDY ORTON’S EMOTION AT TIMES AS EMOTIONLESS~!

Orton just went into a pin cover LIKE A PYTHON. Because we all know how Pythons make covers in wrestling matches, right?

I think Orton is as bored with this match as me, and runs to the outside and tells the referee to count him out. Batista is being a bitch and ruins things by chasing after Orton. So I guess this match is gonna continue…

ORTON HUGGING THE RING POST~! oh if Orton clinging to the ring post to get countout out, preventing Batista from getting him back in the ring was the finish, I’d give this *****.

Does Cole have a cheat sheet with SNAKE PUNS to use for Orton, or is Vince just constantly in his ear telling him to say all that shit?

ORTON HUMPING THE MAT~! Oh wait, he’s setting up the RKO .

Oh ffs, Orton slaps the referee. Oh god this whole match was a poor attempt at recreating NWO 08, wasn’t it?

It failed. At everything.

At least Flair shows up at the end and takes out Legacy . So… shouldn’t FLAIR be the #1 contender now?

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs The Big Show

Remember when Big Show chokeslammed Cena off the stage through a fucking STADIUM LIGHT? And then Cena was pretty much fine outside of some hurt ribs? WRESTLING~!

PUNCHY PUNCHY RIB RIB.

While nothing fancy is going on here, Cena is doing a wonderful job of selling the pain in his ribs, and Show, while not too varied on offence, is working them over nicely. Loved the spot on the outside with Show smashing Cena ribs first into the ring post.

Cena escaping the camel clutch was incredible.

Cena, with injured ribs, POWERS OUT OF A BEARHUG BY THE BIG SHOW. Shit of the bull right there.

Thankfully Big Show gets revenge for that shitty moment by squashing Cena with his ARSE. WELL IT’S THE BIG ARSE~!

Cena starts a comeback, and basically launches his head into Big Show’s knee like a fucking MISSILE and it’s kinda awesome.

The longer the match goes on, the less Cena sells the ribs which is a big shame. He’ll avoid ONE move from Show then suddenly he’s able to run around and jump and shit like there is nothing wrong with him, and it pisses me off a little lol. And he does it a couple of times…

Cena also keeps going for the STFU. The first time he tries it, he realises he CAN’T DO IT BECAUSE HE’S NOT GOT THE REACH TO DO IT TO SOMEONE THE SIZE OF THE BIG SHOW. So… he tries it again multiple times, seemingly hoping he’ll grow in between tries .

AA and Cena wins. LOL?

A lot of good here, but it does go on for a little TOO long imo, and Cena does a lot of bullshit that brings the whole thing down for me. Show was great in it, though.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Phew, last match.

Match involves some back work by Edge, and lots of crashing and burning by Jeff with the occasional hit with some high risk offence. Todd Grishm keeps referring to Jeff as a poker player.

Nothing worth mentioning happens for like 15 minutes and then… a Spear off the announce table into the barricade happens OUT OF NOWHERE and… I still don’t care .

Well, Jeff recovers from that fairly quickly…

Another big spot on the outside, then Matt shows up and decks Jeff or something but Edge STILL cannot pin Hardy.

And again Hardy recovers from that fairly fast…

Super… plex/DDT thingy and Edge wins.

I honestly didn’t care from the start.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

 

Backlash 2009

 

cannot wait to re-watch some of the matches on this show!

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger – ECW Championship Match

Now THIS is how you start off a PPV!!! Their 24/02/2009 ECW TV match is one of the best TV matches to ever happen ANYWHERE, and based on my memory, this isn’t AS good, but is still a fucking tremendous match .

Swagger just fucking MANHANDLES Christian early on using a mix of his size, power and pure wrestling skills and he looks legit as FUCK doing it. How does Christian counter this? BITCH SLAP~!

HOLY FUCK Swagger just picks Christian up over his head with EASE, walks over to the turnbuckle and LAUNCHES him to the floor. I swear that might be one of the most impressive FEATS OF STRENGTH I’ve seen in a wrestling match. Sure plenty of the roster could press slam Christian, but I don’t know how many could do it with the sheer ease Swagger was able to do it.

‘GATOR ROLL~!

Swagger countering Christian’s crazy turnbuckle kick thingy is fucking awesome. Swagger certainly held up his own during these Christian matches, but based on other matches with other opponents, you gotta believe that Swagger only looked THAT GOOD is because of Christian. Christian was just on fucking FIRE in 09 and could give guys the best matches of either their early careers (such as Swagger here) or even their lengthy careers (Dreamer comes to mind).

The epic 24/02 match features some of the absolute greatest arm work to ever take place in a match ever. Here, Swagger is working over the mid-section of the veteran Christian, which began with the insane body press slam over the ropes. Man, Christian takes a knee to the gut while running and looks like he DIED ON IMPACT.

Swagger focusing on the mid-section is all leading up to the Gut Wrench Powerbomb, and Christian knows this and manages to prevent the ECW champ from potentially ending the match with it by holding on to Swagger’s legs for his life! When Swagger realises Christian ain’t going up for the Powerbomb, he switches up and busts out another move instead to remain in control of the match and further wear down Captain Charisma .

OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE~! Well, Swagger slams Christian into one turnbuckle, then Christian counters with a roll up, before getting up and Swagger resuming the move!

Swagger takes of a turnbuckle pad, but gets caught by the referee. While he’s arguing with the ref, the veteran Christian takes this opportunity to expose another turnbuckle without anyone seeing! Swagger runs at him, smashes into the steel and gets hit with the KILLSWTICH~!

We have a NEW ECW champion in Christian! And so begins the incredible reign, where Christian carries an entire brand on his shoulders for the next 10 months!!!

Incredible match, so smartly worked by both men. Love it.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Christian gets congratulated backstage by his fellow ECW guys, then notices EDGE and walks over to him for a conversation only to have Edge be a cunt to him. As much as I can’t stand Edge, I do with we’d gotten one more short run of E&C at some point.

 

Chris Jericho Vs Ricky Steamboat

STEAMBOAT~!

So at WM 25, Jericho took on 2 WWE Legends in a 2 on 1 handicap match. They were Piper and STEAMBOAT, and STEAMBOAT was just fucking incredible. He looked like he’d never retired with a back injury in 94, because he damn near out-performed everyone that night. Hell, if a certain Undertaker/HBK match never happened, I guarantee WM 25 would be remembered for STEAMBOAT above all else.

On Raw the next night, there was a huge 10 man tag or something and once again STEAMBOAT looked incredible. Jericho hated that an old timer was “stealing the spotlight” and challenged Steamboat to a singles match here tonight!

STEAMBOAT SHOWING UP JERICHO~! Seriously, HOW did Steamboat still look so good in the ring. I mean, just looking at Steamboat the man, he’s an OAP. But once he starts moving around and hitting moves, he looks younger than me.

ARM. FUCKING. DRAGS.

Nice to see Steamboat bend back the fingers and shit while applying an arm lock to Jericho. We just don’t see that kind of thing with the kids these days. LEARN TO WORK A HOLD YOU FUCKS.

The match slows down a bit as Jericho applies some rest holds (COME ON JERICHO, STEAMBOAT JUST SHOWED YOU FIRST HAND HOW TO WORK A FUCKING HOLD, STOP JUST SITTING THERE YOU CUNT). Luckily STEAMBOAT is so awesome he can prevent any of this from becoming boring .

BACK SUPERPLEX BY STEAMBOAT~!

Jericho remains in control for the most of this match, but STEAMBOAT is always fighting back and countering Jericho, including avoiding a Lionsault by setting Jericho up in an Electric Chair, and even reversing the Walls of Jericho into a FIGURE FOUR, a move that Steamboat has probably had applied to him more than any man in history!

HOLY FUCK I already know who wins this match but for a second there I actually thought Steamboat had it with a crossbody from the top rope!!! Jericho BARELY fucking kicked out!!!

That crossbody did so well that Steamboat goes for it again, only to land right into a CODEBREAKER!!! 1..2.. FOOT ON THE ROPES~! Steamboat still knows what he’s doing inside that ring!

CALLBACK TO WM 3 with the roll up .

Wall of Jericho in the middle of the ring, and even Steamboat has to tap out.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat? Nah, more like Ricky “The Dragon” SteamGOAT!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Oh joy Santino in a backstage segment. With Beth and… and… someone. Santino is trying to pretend he didn’t dress up as Santina at WM to win the Miss WM battle royal. Still have no idea who the other women was in this segment .

 

Kane Vs CM Punk

Kane is pissed that Punk is Mr MITB for the second year in a row, and winning it by kicking Kane off the ladder!

On paper this might not really look like a good match, but my memory (as terrible as it can be) is telling me this is fun.

KICK, PUNCH, IT’S ALL IN THE MIND~! Punk keeps trying to hit and move… then gets trapped in a corner with the BIG RED MACHINE MONSTER and starts getting pummelled, until Punk can use the turnbuckle to his advantage and lock Kane in an Arm Lock using the ropes!!!

Cool to see Punk go back to the arm a couple of times to avoid some of Kane’s major offence, including a potential CHOKELAM ON THE FLOOR!

Kane throws Punk so Punk could do that spot where he slides on the mat and smashes back first into the ring post under the bottom rope. Except he didn’t slide very far and it ended up looking like shit . Kane makes up for it though with a running dropkick to really smash him into the post!!!

MOTHER OF GOD PUNK JUST DIED. Kane hit a fucking clothesline that puts some of JBL’s clothesline from hell’s to shame!!!

Well look at this, Kane with some pretty sweet BACK WORK .

Punk again countering a chokeslam thanks to that bad arm that Kane is still selling, and doing a good job of it!!!

The injured arm creates an opening for Punk to make a comeback here, but the back work by Kane in this match prevents him from hitting the GTS .

KANE’S UPPERCUT . He catches Punk coming off the ropes with it and damn, Punk just died AGAIN!

PUNK HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD AND APPLIES ANOTHER ARM BAR~!

KICKS TO THE FUCKING HEAD~! Punk showcasing his STRIKING SKILLS, but the MONSTER KANE just fucking shrugs them off and Chokeslam’s Punk for the win using BOTH arms because just one wasn’t enough thanks to all the arm work!!!

I think a lot of people would probably be surprised with this match because of how legitimately FUCKING GOOD it is. Both men look great, both target a body part well and both sell those body parts well, and use them multiple times to change he outcome of certain situations!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Matt Hardy Vs Jeff Hardy – I Quit Match

Remember when CHRISTIAN was “supposed” to be the guy causing shit for Jeff? But fans caught on to it and Vince “apparently” changed his mind and we got Matt instead? Fun times . Not really but ok .

Anyway, their WM 25 match is pretty fucking sweet and often overlooked (like the entire event outside of STEAMGOAT and TAKER/HBK). This match? Well… ummm… if I was smart I’d probably avoid this but dammit I kinda wanna see if it’s still as “bad” as my memory is telling me it is.

I do know, however, that everyone NEEDS to watch their stretcher match on SD that takes place sometime after this because it rocks and is probably the best stretcher match not involving BROCK LESNAR and BIG SHOW.

Also, didn’t Matt just kinda randomly stop being heel once this feud finished? Was there ever any kind of explanation? In fact, it doesn’t matter because BABYFACE MATT fucking rocks and while he was starting to put on a bit of weight around this time that was effecting his ring work, he would still have a TON of great performances and matches later in the year.

Gotta love Jeff’s attempts at REVENGE on his brother. DIVE OVER THE ROPES LIKE ALWAYS~!

I jest though. Sort of . He’s going all out to really take it to Matt here with a bunch of pretty great looking risky moves. Love the spot where he jumps off the ring steps and smashes into Matt, crushing Matt between him and the barricade.

Don’t think Matt has gotten ANYTHING in on Jeff so far in this match.

Jeff keeps going to the ropes for high risk moves against his brother, and it’s this that costs him control of the match. Matt launches him off the top rope right to the floor, and I think Jeff kinda mis-judged his jump here and instead of a cool bump into the barricade, he falls just short and lands kinda hard.

And now it’s time for MATT to begin punishing his brother. “THIS IS FOR GETTING MORE OVER THAN ME AND GETTING A BIGGER PUSH THAN ME DESPITE NOT BEING AS TALENTED DAMMIT!!!”

FIGURE FOUR~! But Jeff is refusing to quit!!!

They do some more stuff, then Jeff applies a leg hold to Matt who is tapping out like crazy, but still refuses to say the words I QUIT.

TWIST OF FATE~!

SWANTON BOMB~!

But Matt is still refusing to quit.

SWANTON BOMB~!

TABLE~!

TWIST OF FATE ON THE FLOOR~!

Back in the ring now and Jeff finally gets Matt on the table, and DUCK TAPES HIS LEGS AND ARMS TOGETHER SO HE CAN’T ESCAPE . Wait.. Jeff is the babyface in this match right?

NOW HE IS LITERALLY TYING HIM TO THE TABLE WITH ROPE . Man, what a good guy Jeff is .

Matt still doesn’t quit… so Jeff brings in a fucking LADDER!!! I think we all know where this is going!

Jeff is on top of the ladder, and Matt begins to tell Jeff he’s sorry and that he loves him and that he quits. ALL IS FORGIVEN!!!

No wait Jeff still jumps off the ladder onto his brother. What an absolute CUNT!

So this match… well… it’s disappointing because it HAS parts of it that are really good. And yeah, while the end kinda made Jeff seem like the bad guy I still enjoyed it. But there are parts in the middle of this match that would put you to sleep regardless of how much caffeine you’ve consumed.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Orton cuts a boring promo. He tries to turn Batista against HHH. But he’s just turning people against insomnia.

 

OH GOD CUT BACK TO ORTON. MORE ORTON PROMO PLEASE. ANYTHING BUT THIS. ANYTHING. BUT. THIS.

 

It’s the Kiss Cam. With Khali. And Santino the crossdresser. Who is apparently in love with JR. Who calls “her” his “little slobber knocker” . Ok, that was funny. Oh god this is dragging on FOREVER. And now Beth and… that other women (WHO IS SHE?!?!) are out here. Yey this is going on even longer.

 

And now Khali is hitting a women. Ya know, this PPV was doing so well up until this point. I kinda wanna just take away all the points and give it a MINUS 5 STARS total, all because of THIS segment. OH GOD IT’S NOT OVER YET. Khali rips off half of Santino/a’s clothes.

 

Was there… was there a point this this segment? Like, anything? At all? SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THIS HAPPENED?!?!?!?!!?!?!

 

Triple H, Batista & Shane McMahon Vs Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – WWE Championship Match

The title is on the line in a 6 man tag!!!

Poor Triple H, what is it with BIG DADDY VINCE putting him in these 6 man matches with his title on the line? Happened at King of the Ring 2000 (with Shane also on his team lol), and again in 2009?

They (commentators) keep bringing up that is Shane for example gets too hot headed and ends up being DQ’d, HHH would lose the title still. But… who would WIN the title? The guy that Shane is murdering so badly he gets DQ’d? Or does VACANT get another reign?

Lawler thinks this is the first time a 6 man match has had the title on the line . Then again, I guess 9 years IS a long time ago. Not like when Cole claims Cena is going to the top rope for the first time despite the fact he did it a week ago .

HHH attacks Orton before the bell even rings so he can do as much damage as possible without potentially getting DQ’d. Meanwhile Cody and Teddy are shitting themselves in the ring, too scared to help their mentor .

Orton disappears and HHH gets back to the ring, so the ref just says FUCK IT and rings the bell despite it being 3 on 2 .

Cody is on his knees in the ring and HHH gives him the SUCK IT crotch chop… and Cody’s first reaction is to OPEN HIS MOUTH .

Awesome to see Shane doing some old school tag team finishers with Batista and HHH. Fairly certain the first one they do is the old DEMOLITION finisher, and after that it’s the HART ATTACK .

Legacy without Orton are just getting their bums destroyed. ANAL DESTRUCTION.

JR calls Rhodes and DiBiase two of the building blocks for the future of WWE. Oh how wrong he would be. Teddy is… ummm… no idea what he’s doing these days. And Cody. Cody is following his brother’s footsteps with the STARDUST gimmick… but getting about as over a midget in a pole vaulting competition.

ORTON RETURNS~! He shows up and attacks Batista from behind, slams him into the ring post and quickly tags himself in so he can try and finish off THE ANIMAL and win the Double Double E Number title!

Speaking of double, just had a Double Decker. Mmmmmm yum.

ORTON DDT~!

Gotta love how despite the fact HIS TITLE IS ON THE LINE and he looked worried as fuck… HHH didn’t even attempt to break up the count .

Legacy are doing a pretty great job at isolating Batista. They don’t let up one bit, almost SMOTHERING him. He doesn’t get a moment to himself without one of them grabbing a hold or preventing him from making a tag. Good basic tag shit right here!!!

Damn, Batista just fucking CRASHES into Orton in a desperate attempt to take him down and give him enough time to make a hot tag, and he does! Shane O’Mac is on fire and takes the fight to everyone, even trying to set up the announce table for an elbow before being stopped. He still hits a big elbow from the ropes to Cody in the ring and it looked better than every HBK elbow drop ever.

HOLY SHIT SHANE IS DEAD. One of the best bumps I’ve seen into the ring steps by someone not named FOLEY or UNDERTAKER .

Batista has his turn as FIP, and now Shane gets to take a beating for his team!

Match gets a tad dull from this point unfortunately. Too many rest holds. We do get some teased hot tags and great cut offs though, so that’s definitely something .

HOT TAG TO HHH~!

Well, what’s this? HHH is throwing some GOOD PUNCHES? Nah, can’t be. *rewinds* Wait, no. IT’S TRUE. HHH was throwing some GOOD PUNCHES .

The match spills to the outside and everyone gets involved and it’s an ALL OUT BRAWL~!

SHANE TAKEN OUT WITH A CHAIR~!

BATISTA TAKES A SHOT TOO, but manages to get the chair away from Cody. He’s about to deck Cody right in front of the referee, but HHH grabs the chair from him to avoid a DQ and him losing the title.

RKO OUTTA NOWHERE~!

KICKOUT~!

PUNT~!

NEW CHAMPION~!

So this fucking rocked. Bit with Shane as FIP was a little dull but thankfully didn’t last that long, especially compared to the Batista FIP. Finish had everyone going apeshit without it becoming a clusterfuck.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

John Cena Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Last Man Standing Match

So we’ve had a great PPV up to this point. Now I have to sit through this garbage. Cena Vs Edge is usually terrible. Add a stipulation? SHOOT ME NOW. Neither guy knows how to work a gimmick match without it being a glorified SPOT FEST, unless their opponent is competent.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 17

 

No Way Out 2009

 

Ok, let’s start off 2009 with a PPV I remember really enjoying at the time! Also, I’m gonna watch all these shows IN ORDER for the first time ever while writing these rambles! Why? Because fuck it, why not .

 

The Undertaker Vs Triple H Vs The Big Show Vs Vladimir Kozlov Vs Jeff Hardy Vs Edge – WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Undertaker successfully makes his entrance without being set on fire. He would not be so lucky a year later .

Edge, the champion, is starting this match out with Jeff Hardy who beat him for the belt in December before dropping it right back to him in January at the RR.

So Edge and Jeff go back and forth for a couple of minutes, then Edge attempts a Spear, and Jeff counters it into a rollup and…

HOLY SHIT JEFF JUST ELIMINATED THE WWE CHAMPION FROM THE MATCH BEFORE THE FIRST 5 MINUTES WERE UP!!! WE ARE GUARANTEED A NEW CHAMPION!!! EDGE IS NO LONGER THE WWE CHAMPION!!!

While I didn’t watch this show live in 09, I did see it spoiler free the next morning and I was lol. Was a very cool and very unexpected moment, and of course meant that EDGE WAS NO LONGER THE CHAMPION .

Unfortunately all the excitement of Edge being eliminated is killed dead when Kozlov is the next guy in.

Huh, I seem to have blacked out for 5 minutes. Big Show has just entered the match .

So for the next five minutes, we have Show and Kozlov take turns at trying to out-do each other… mostly with boring slams, headbutts and clubbing blows, aka the basic strong guy offence from the 70’s.

Hardy’s offence on comebacks here . He just kinda runs with his arms in the air and… runs into his opponents in hopes that it’ll do something .

Time for Kozlov and Show to go after each other now instead of eliminating Hardy because that’s too smart for them.

Just as the crowd are about to fall asleep, THE GAME TRIPLE H enters into the match and takes everyone out!!!

Poor Undertaker is having to watch all this while inside a pod still. He’s getting frustrated and starts smacking the pod. SHIT GONNA GET SERIOUS WHEN HE GETS RELEASED . Fans are chanting for him too because fuck what’s happening in the ring atm lol.

UNDERTAKER TIME . He fucking runs out and starts punching the absolute shit out of Big Show .

In the ring he does the same to Kozlov, and Kozlov simply CANNOT take Snake Eyes. At all. Ever .

Awesome spot with Undertaker walking the ropes for Old School on HHH, but decides to dive on Big Show on the outside instead!!! He gets caught though, and counters Show with a DDT ON THE STEEL . Then he goes back in the ring and hits Old School on HHH like nothing happened .

LAST RIDE TO KOZLOV~!

Bye bye Kozlov, please never come back!

CHOKESLAM~! I guess it’s time for The Big Show to be dominant . He launches HHH over the ropes onto the steel, then throws Jeff onto him! HHH was supposed to catch Hardy for safety, but it looked more like HHH just slammed him even harder onto the steel floor lol.

Spider Jeff, Spider Jeff, does whatever a Spider Jeff does. Can he wrestle, better than Matt? No he can’t, cos he’s kinda shit. Look out, it’s a Spider Jeff.

SUPERPLEX TO BIG SHOW~!

PEDIGREE TO BIG SHOW~!

SWANTON FROM THE TOP OF A POD TO BIG SHOW~!

HHH PINS THE BIG SHOW~!

BIG SHOW IS ELIMINATED~!

TOMBSTONE TO JEFF~!

JEFF HARDY IS ELIMINATED~!

We are now down to the final 2; Triple H and THE UNDERTAKER .

The final 2 men here were both winners of individual elimination chamber matches the previous year at this event! Just some random TRIVIA for ya .

This entire part of the match just sees both HHH and Undertaker exchanging signature and finisher moves in a desperate attempt to win the WWE Championship and GO TO WM AT THE CHAMPION, so while I would normally dislike them doing that, here it makes sense for them to just bust out all their best shit.

they repeat the spot from the 08 SD chamber with Undertaker/Batista and that awesome Tombstone spot . Only difference here is that HHH gets his foot on the ropes to break up the 3 count .

PEDIGREE~!

KICKOUT~!

PUNCH EXCHANGE~! Kinda . for Undertaker’s punches… not so much for HHH’s .

LAST RIDE COUNTERED INTO A PEDIGREE~!

13 TIMES THE GAME~! HHH is now a 13 time champion. Yey?

Great way to finish this match, which was kinda dull for the most part.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge is making excuses for losing. Vickie flat out tells him it’s his own fault that he lost . So now Edge has to come up with a plan to still headline WM with the title. Or maybe… maybe another title?

 

FISH MARKET~! Glad they showed us that…

 

Randy Orton Vs Shane McMahon – No Holds Barred Match

Orton PUNTED Vince in the head, and then somehow prevents getting punished in any way by claiming to be mental. So, Shane has to get revenge himself in a match. WRESTLING LOGIC~!

Hope we see some more SHADOW BOXING from Shane in this match .

Also… like, why didn’t the McMahon’s just order EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROSTER TO MURDER RANDY? It’s what I would do lol .

Really like how this match is being worked. Shane is fucking FURIOUS at Orton and goes at him head on, perhaps surprising Orton and allowing the non-wrestler to gain control. However Shane is more focused on HURTING Orton, and spending time looking for weapons gives Orton the time to recover and take control of shit.

MONITOR TO THE HEAD OF ORTON~! Holy fuck that was a pretty sick shot. In the world of PG NO BLOOD, Orton is bleeding, and one half of his face is covered in blood!!!

And of course that let’s Orton show off his awesome “possibly concussed” selling .

With Orton out of it, Rhodes and DiBiase run down to help out, but even they end up feeling the MCMAHON WRATH~!

COAST TO COAST WITH A TRASH CAN TO CODY~!

Orton is still DEAD and on an announce table, so Shane goes back to the top rope for a huge elbow drop and…

ORTON MOVES~! SHANE THROUGH A TABLE~! SHANE IS DEAD~!

Wow, Orton showing CONCERN for Cody, screaming at Ted to take him to the back and make sure he’s ok.

Love the image of just one side of Orton’s face being covered in blood. People at the time were talking about how it reflected his character at the time. One moment he’s regular Randy, then the next he’s lost his mind and PUNTING people due to a mental illness.

Shane is fucked from the table spot, but he REFUSES to be pinned, so Orton sets up the table that Shane originally brought out from under the ring. If Shane ain’t gonna stay down, Orton is gonna MAKE HIM!

SUPERPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE~!

SHANE STILL KICKS OUT~!

PUNT COUNTERED INTO A SPEAR~! Looked pretty fantastic too. Not some show-y Spear by a professional, but a fucking hard hitting tackle by a non wrestler trying to make it look as good as possible.

Shane starts beating the shit out of Orton’s ankles with a chair, and Orton begs him off… only to get cracked in the back with the chair .

Shane setting up Orton for a PUNT of his own! The ultimate payback… RKO~!

This one is done. And it was pretty sweeeeeeet. Shane O’Mac having a better match with Orton than most of the roster for the last few years .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Jack Swagger Vs Finlay – ECW Championship Match

I was a huge Swagger fan around this time. Finlay is fucking FINLAY. They had a great match or two on ECW TV around this time… but for some reason I’m the only person on the planet who doesn’t think this match is that good.

FINLAY OUT-WRESTLING SWAGGER~!

Finlay works the leg of Swagger for the opening moments of the match, then Swagger gains control and works on Finaly’s arm and honestly it’s all kinda dull.

Both men fumble around for a bit longer, then Hornswoggle keeps showing up and distracting Finlay because he’s a complete fucking moron.

Swagger wins.

Yeah still don’t like this. Do not understand any love this match gets.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Shawn Michaels Vs JBL

If JBL wins, HBK works for JBL for the rest of his life! If HBK wins, he’s free of JBL and gets all the money JBL promised him.

JBL is in the mind of the Heart Break Kid from the moment this match begins. He tells Shawn that all it takes is ONE mistake and he’s his forever. HBK finally unleashes weeks of frustration from not being able to touch JBL, just wailing on JBL, who is STILL smiling because he knows an ANGRY HBK is more likely to make a mistake. In fact, JBL grabs a chair and hands it to Shawn, knowing full well that if Shawn uses it, he’s gonna get DQ’d and he’ll be owned by JBL for the rest of his life!!!

PUNCHES TO THE FACE~! Still just fucking love when JBL starts throwing those massive punches to his opponent in the corner.

BEARHUG~!

JBL is trying to weaken HBK’s back here, and even tries to set him up for a massive Superplex, only for Shawn to fight out of it and fly through the air with an elbow drop and… crash and burn .

CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~!

HBK is now the property of JBL for the rest of his life!!!

NO!!! HBK KICKS OUT!!!

ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~! This time HBK collapses to the outside, and JBL might win the rights to HBK via countout!!!

HBK MAKES IT BACK IN~!

JBL is starting to get frustrated at HBK, so he throws Shawn back outside right in front of his wife and starts to taunt her, only to get CRACKED IN THE FACE by Rebecca!!! Shouldn’t that be a DQ?

It seems that seeing his wife deck JBL has given HBK new life, and now JBL is the one reeling!!!

SWEET. CHIN. MUSIC.

Shawn Michaels is free of JBL, and is now financially stable once again!!!

I loved this whole angle between JBL and Shawn, and this match was a pretty darn good pay off too. Plus, HBK comes out the next night all happy and joyful and CHALLENGES THE UNDERTAKER TO A MATCH AT WM, giving us the classic WM 25 match!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Very slow boring Jericho promo backstage on why he’s going to win tonight.

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Mike Knox Vs Kane Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Kofi Kingston was supposed to be in this match, but on his way to the ring, EDGE attacks him from behind and steals his spot in the match because WRESTLING LOGIC~!

Totally forgot MIKE KNOX was in this match :match:.

We start things off with Jericho Vs Rey, who would go on to feud throughout the rest of the year. Huh, last year this chamber match started off with HBK Vs Jericho who also feuded throughout the year. COINCIDENCE? I THINK SO!

Jericho lobs Rey into Kane’s pod, and Kane just stands looking at Rey like he’s having the time of his life .

KANE ENTERS NEXT~! Well, time for Rey to die .

at Edge cowering from Kane despite being separated by BULLET PROOF PLASTIC.

Why have I only noticed that Kane does a Homer Simpson impression every time he lands a big punch or kick? D’OH! D’OH! D’OH!

BAH GAWD KANE IS DOMINATI… Oh wait 619 + Code Breaker + Seated Senton from THE TOP OF A POD and Kane is eliminated from the match FIRST .

KNOX . Why is it that WWE actually get big guys who CAN WORK… they do fuck all with them and release them shortly after, meanwhile big guys who can BARELY WALK stick around for years, main event PPV’s and win world titles?

KNOX has Rey upside down and tied up in the chain wall, smashing his head in .

BAH GAWD KNOX IS DOMINATI… Oh wait Code Breaker and Mike Knox is eliminated from the match .

KOFI EDGESTON is the next man inside the chamber! Rey is friends with Kofi so he is fucking PISSED that Edge would do such a thing. Remember when Edge and Rey were tag champs? Well now Rey is at the mercy of Edge and Jericho, who later in the year would also become tag champs together!

This just about sums things up atm:

now Edge and Jericho are spit roasting Rey on the ropes .

Cena time. Yawn.

BAH GAWD CENA IS DOMINATI… Oh wait Code Breaker + 619 + Spear and Cena is eliminated from the match .

So like the previous EC match, we are now guaranteed to get a NEW champion!

Jericho is gone next, leaving us with Rey Vs Edge.

And for the rest of the match, we get one of the most spectacular finishing stretches in any WWE match ever. Even puts HHH/Taker to shame earlier in the night. Rey takes some incredible bumps during this time too, especially that one into the side of the pod .

In the end, it’s EDGE that picks up the win, making him the first/only (?) man to walk into a PPV as WWE champ, lose it, then leave the same PPV as the NEW WHC!

Match has some dull moments, but nowhere near what the SD chamber had. This is overall much better, and a ton of fun!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 11

 

Judgment Day 2008

 

The final 2008 PPV, then I only have… ONE YEAR TO WATCH~!

 

Huh, JBL and Cena are having a match on this event? Following Show chokeslamming Cena through a giant light? Wait… wrong JD event .

 

JBL Vs John Cena

Actually kinda looking forward to this. These two have had some… crap matches, and some good matches. If JBL spends most of the match punching the fuck out of Cena I should enjoy this one .

Tie=ups and headlocks. What the fuck, Jibble? PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE ALREADY.

Arm work? What the fuck, Jibble? PUNCH HIM IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE ALREADY.

BACKLUND SPOT~! And for those who don’t know what that is… first, SHAME ON YOU. Secondly, it’s when someone is in an arm lock and then just power their opponent up off the mat and stand up while holding them with one arm and it’s impressive as fuck every damn time. A little difference here though as Cena seemingly can barely lift up Mr Jibbles.

FUCK YES. JBL IS PUNCHING CENA IN THE FACE!!!

ONE ARM CENA COMEBACK~!

at JBL moving out of the way of that top rope leg drop. He basically did a fucking back bump .

And we’re back to arm work… and then a bearhug. That’ll fuck the arm up even more, honest .

So now JBL is working the mid-section of Cena… Maybe I missed something?

Ha, nicely timed replay from WWE there to show me a spot with JBL dropping Cena stomach first onto the ropes! Now things make the sense .

But just because it makes sense doesn’t mean it’s good. PUNCH. HIM. IN. HIS. MOTHERFUCKING. CUNTY. FACE. PLEASE.

Cena is pretty much dead right now, but JBL keeps punishing him more and more rather than getting a potential win already. WHAT ARE THE ODDS THIS WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM?!?!

RIGHT AS I WROTE THAT, CENA HIT AN F-U OUT OF NOWHERE AND WON .

I mean, this isn’t awful, just the complete opposite of what I was expecting. I wanted a FIGHT, not Mr Jibbles applying arm locks and bear hugs for 90% of the match.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

GM KING REGAL just randomly sat in the crowd watching. Best part of the PPV so far .

 

John Morrison & The Miz Vs Kane & CM Punk – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

How very random. Kane & Punk teaming up? For the tag titles? Ok.

Oh yeah, Kane is still the ECW Champ too, so no title defence on PPV for that belt.

Honestly I’m just gonna skip this. AIN’T NOBODY (ME) GOT TIME FOR THAT (THIS)!

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Chris Jericho

HBK faked a leg injury so he could beat Batista. HBK LIED TO EVERYONE AND FAKED AN INJURY but nobody seems to care and that eats away at Jericho. On the surface this whole feud starts off well… but once they start having matches and Jericho starts pretending to be a super slow version of Nick Bockwinkle, it all goes downhill .

That being said, I always thought this was the best match of their 08 series. Already watched the others and didn’t exactly care for them outside of the ladder match which still had a bunch of problems lol. Wouldn’t surprise me if I still liked this the most, but it likely isn’t going to mean much if it’s the best match of a pretty shitty series.

NATIVE AMERICAN DEATHLOCK~! Wait… what? They can’t call it an Indian Deathlock anymore?

Jericho keeps trying to go after the leg of HBK, which of course he faked the injury on, so Jericho wants to actually injure it. Meanwhile HBK is being a dick and keeps trying to get Jericho to get angry and make mistakes .

RIB WORK~!

Well I’m bored.

SUPERKICK ON THE APRON~!

Jericho is deaded.

Shawn drags his lifeless body into the ring and sets up for another kick, but Jericho keeps falling over, then out of nowhere jumps up and hits the CODEBREAKER~!

CROSSFACE~!

Jericho “blocked” HBK getting his knees up on a Lionsault by simple… landing ribs first on his knees and pretending he block it .

Sloppy rollup type move and HBK wins.

Well this was… boring as fuck. It’s like they watched the Mr Jibbles/Cena match and thought they could out-bore the crowd.

I used to have this at around ****1/4 .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

GM KING REGAL still just randomly sat in the crowd watching.

 

Mickie James interview. She thinks she’s gonna win cos Cena and HBK won their matches. Makes… sense? Mr Jibbles shows up and tells Mickie to fuck off so he can bitch and moan about Cena. He cuts a good promo, actually. I think Todd shat himself.

 

Mickie James Vs Beth Phoenix Vs Melina – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Holy FUCK at the backstage fight between Beth and Melina on Raw the previous week . Beth fucking MURDERS Melina.

Yes, I’m going to watch this match!!! I like all 3 women involved and not just in a FAP FAP FAP way. I especially wanna see the match now knowing that Melina is gonna want some fucking revenge for nearly dying last week lol.

Beth holds the ropes open and demands Melina fucks off cos she doesn’t belong. Melina kicks the fuck out of her and sends Beth out of the ring!!!

Beth doesn’t take long to recover, and takes Mickie out on the outside so she can get some one on one time with Melina to finish the job she started on Raw .

Mickie seems to keep coming out of nowhere and hitting some crazy cool offence on Melina and Beth, sometimes even with a move that takes them both out lol! Really fun stuff so far .

DROPKICK TO THE FACE~! Damn, Mickie just flattened Beth!!!

DOUBLE BACKBREAKER BY BETH~! SHE HAS BOTH OPPONENTS ON HER SHOULDER IN A SUBMISSION HOLD~!

Beth is looking dominant as fuck, but as she focuses on Mickie, Melina takes her out with a neckbreaker, allowing Mickie to hit Melina with the DDT and get the win!

Well this was short and sweet!!!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

HBShizzle and Batista backstage. Big Dave says that he told HBK if he was lying, he was gonna destroy him. And he’ll do it soon. AKA Stretcher match at ONS.

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Vacant title on the line here as Vickie stripped the Dead Man of the title after he nearly killed Edge with THAT SUBMISSION MOVE~! The move is also banned now.

DID YOU KNOW?!?! The WWE/World Title has been vacated in the past due to injuries and OTHER REASONS!!!

“IF THERE IS ONE MAN WHO CAN GET INSIDE UNDERTAKER’S HEAD IT’S THAT MAN, EDGE”. Ummm… no, Mick. No.

Knock knock!

Whose there?

PUNCHES TO THE FUCKING FACE~!

Punches to the fucking face whOUCH *collapses*

.

Edge counters OLD SCHOOL and poor Undertaker lands balls first on the ropes and then BOUNCES AROUND before finally hitting the mat .

It’s all downhill from there for the Dead Man, who ends up being send into the ring steps knee first and it looks fucking BRUTAL, then he crashes and burns trying to hit a running boot to Edge in the corner and again takes a big bump knee first into something.

Edge is in firm control by working over the leg of ‘Taker, so much so that when he goes for a cover at one point, a desperate Undertaker even attempts to lock in Hells Gate, but remembers it’s banned and must try something else.

The cocky Edge decides to try his hand at OLD SCHOOL, but ends up also getting countered and falling balls first into the ropes!!!

Throughout this series of matches, one thing that has been consistent is Edge’s ability to counter Undertaker’s signature moves. So, what does Undertaker do? CHANGE THINGS!!! Chokeslam? Nah, CHOKESLAM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! And then what? Well, might as well follow it up with a running boot, like he would if he’s just hit Snake Eyes!

The Edge Heads show up though to distract Undertaker momentarily, but it isn’t long until the Dead Man is back with another modified signature move to confuse Edge, this time with a TURNBUCKLE LAST RIDE~!

SNAKE EYES ONTO AN EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~!

SPEAR OUTTA NOWHERE~!

KICK OUT~!

The match has taken it’s toll on both men, and it’s at this point where Undertaker can seemingly go back to his typical offence rather than needing to change it, because Edge is too fucking knackered to counter lol.

CLOTHESLINE OVER THE BARRICADE~!

The referee begins his count as both men battle their way to the ring, but Undertaker at the last moment smashes Edge into the barricade again and makes the count, and THE UNDERTAKER IS THE WINNER AND… not WHC because the title cannot change hands on a countout . BITCH.

Really good match, but without a doubt a step or two behind their epic WM and BL bouts. Still better than the TLC that needs to burn in a fire and die, and probably on par with their HIAC match, if not a little better.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

MVP shows up for an in ring promo. He’s complaining that he isn’t on the card. Well, I guess SOMEONE has to. He makes an open challenge. Matt Hardy comes out to introduce Jeff.

 

Jeff Hardy Vs MVP

No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Steel Cage Match

30 minutes left on the show . These two are about to have a 30 minute steel cage match.

The bell rings and Orton dives for the door. Never have I wanted a match to end that quickly in my life. Unfortunately HHH ruins it like he ruins everything else. Fucker.

5 minutes in and I think we’ve had about 20 bumps into the side of the cage so far. This is followed up by about 20 more in the span of 2 minutes. Well, if they’re gonna go 30 minutes, they have to fill time with SOMETHING, right? Because we all know they can’t do it with an interesting wrestling match .

GM KING REGAL . He’s still watching and never changing his expression. And about to go into a feud with HHH that doesn’t go all the way because Regal fucks up .

Figure Four Leg Lock spot, with both JR and Lawler constantly saying how Orton will need to find another way out of this hold because even if he reaches the ropes HHH won’t have to let go. The Orton reaches the ropes and the referee does a 5 count and forces HHH to let go .

Orton has a chair now.

10 minutes left and I swear all they’ve done is throw each other into the side of the cage, do the figure four spot, then a couple of spots with a chair.

And now the final 10 minutes are them both battling on the top rope over and over again in the exact same place. Exciting.

Some more chair spots. More exciting.

Pedigree and this is mercifully OVER.

I’m not trying to be funny here. I’m not bitching and complaining and going overboard to try and be entertaining. I literally cannot think of a single good thing that happened in this match. At all.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2.5

 

Backlash 2008

 

BEWARE THE BACKLASH~!

 

Matt Hardy Vs MVP – WWE United States Championship Match

Please Matt, give me a good MVP match here. PLEASE.

GREAT THROW BY MVP – Michael Cole.

Huh. Seems that was the highlight of the match .

Oh Hardy wins the title btw. Honestly don’t remember him being US champion lol.

Nothing downright awful here… just… nothing remotely worth talking about.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Kane Vs Chavo Guerrero – ECW Championship Match

If I ever invent a time machine, I’m gonna go back to 08 and convince WWE to make this match shorter than their WM match.

Obviously wouldn’t be the first thing I’d do, but it’s on the list. OH IT’S ON THE LIST DAMMIT.

Mike Adamle is contagious. He’s fumbling over his words all the time, and now so is Tazz.

Chavo goes after Kane’s leg. Kane keeps forgetting to sell it. Then he remembers. Then forgets again.

BAM NEELY. NEELEY. NEILY. NEILEY. NEALY. NEALEY. ONE OF THOSE IS RIGHT. Why do WWE love to have a big guy dress in a suit and never speak?

CHOKESLAM. Kane wins.

So this match happened. Kane was kinda terrible. Most he sold the leg was when he walked up the ramp after the match .

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Orton getting interviewed about the 4 way later tonight. No EVE though . I miss evil executive EVE.

 

The Big Show Vs The Great Khali

I’m… oddly looking forward to this. I seem to recall liking this in the past.

BIG SHOW AND KHALI PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE~!

HEADBUTT EXCHANGE~!

FLAIR CHOPS~!

Khali clotheslines Big Show to the mat!!!

Holy crap, Khali with the CROSSFACE.

Big Show tries to slam Khali but can’t do it. Because… ummmm… he was tired from the Crossface? It’s like when Cena pretends he can’t pick someone up for a slam, but everyone on the planet knows he could do it with ease.

Now if only these two could start doing some mat work like that Kane/Show match from Raw in 06 .

BIG SHOW SLAMS KHALI~! So after taking MORE punishment than earlier… he can slam Khali now. Because… ummmm… all those rest holds worked?

Khali tries to Khali Bomb Show, but Show powers out and CHOKESLAMS the Punjabi Giant!!!

Aside from a couple of rest spots by Khali, this is a very surprisingly good GIANT battle. For all the hate Khali gets, even from me 99% of the time, the guy DOES have some good performances under his belt and honestly I think this is one of them.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

John Cena randomly backstage with JIMMY WANG YANG~! Didn’t realise that guy was still with the company at this time. Oh look Orton shows up to bore us all. At least he isn’t trying to hit on Cena like last year at Backlash… .

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Batista

Wah wah wah HBK retired Flair and Batista is a giant cry baby wah wah wah.

Jericho is the special guest referee in this match because he… completely randomly inserted himself into this feud and I genuinely don’t think there was ever any reason WHY lol.

So how does everything feel about this match? Don’t remember when the last time I saw this was, I just remember really liking their Stretcher match a month later.

Early parts of this match so far have been really good. Batista throwing Shawn around with his POWER, so HBK has to rely on his quickness to avoid any hard shots and to try and take the ANIMAL down.

BACKLUND SPOT~! And for those who don’t know what that is… first, SHAME ON YOU. Secondly, it’s when someone is in an arm lock and then just power their opponent up off the mat and stand up while holding them with one arm and it’s impressive as fuck every damn time. A little difference here though as Shawn is able to manoeuvre Batista to the ropes and they both go tumbling down!!!

SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE RING POST~! HBK seizes an opportunity to further injure the arm he’s just started working on!

Well, that’s it. HBK is DEAD. I mean DEAD. Passed on. He is no more. He has ceased to be. This is an ex wrestler. And why, you ask? Because Batista just fucking MURDERED HIM with an incredible clothesline .

WAIT, NO! HBK HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD~! Aaaand apparently Chris Benoit has taken over his body because he’s come back to use the Crossface .

Jericho has to DRAG HBK off Batista when he refuses to release the hold despite the fact Batista grabbed the bottom rope. Careful Chris, the other Chris might put YOU in the Crossface too…

NIP UP~! RIGHT INTO A SPEAR~!

Sweet Chin Music coming right up… SPINEBUSTER~! It seems that Batista has an answer for everything HBK can throw at him on this night!!!

Batista Bomb countered by HBK who lands wrong and seems to be hurt!!! He’s holding his knee and Jericho is doing his best to keep Batista away until… SWEET CHIN MUSIC OUT OF NOWHERE~!

HBK picks up the win, but is his leg really hurt? Is Batista done with HBK? Does Jericho have an ulterior motive for being part of this match? All this and more on the next WWE PPV!!!

Really enjoyed this match!!! Great stuff from both guys. HBK working the arm to try and take the strength away from Batista, and Batista seemingly having an answer for all of HBK’s offence, forcing HBK to fake the leg injury so he can superkick the Animal when he least expects it!!!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Orton cutting a promo on HHH while standing right in front of him… but looking away cos he’s apparently a coward who can’t look into HHH’s face .

 

Beth Phoenix, Victoria, Melina, Jillian, Natalya & Layla Vs Mickie James, Maria, Michelle McCool, Ashley, Cherry & Kelly Kelly

Mickie wins the women’s title from Beth 2 weeks ago on Raw and… instead of a rematch here on PPV, it’s a multi-women clusterfuck tag. No thanks.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Big fan of their WM match, even if it is kinda slow for the first half, but not slow in a bad way imo. I’m also probably one of the bigger fans of this and their JD match too.

Build up for this match was great too, just because it gave us 4 weeks of rather awesome Undertaker TV matches against Kane, Festus, and 2 Batista matches, all of which are definitely worth watching.

I’M GOING TO HURT YOU. Undertaker is seen mouthing that to Edge during the introductions. Now if only Edge had replied with “YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO” .

Foley and Cole keep bringing up shit about how Edge went into WM all cocky because he hasn’t lost to Undertaker before and he knew he could win, but now he’s lost to Taker at WM, how will it effect him mentally? They go back and forth with them mentioning that while yeah, he lost at WM, he still knows he can beat Taker cos he’s done it before. Only thing is, they don’t mention that Edge has only beat Undertaker ONCE… and that was after a brutal cage match with Batista, where Mark Henry destroyed him right after, and Edge cashed in MITB… so if Edge was as smart as the WWE would like to tell you he is… surly the loss at WM will have simply enforced the knowledge that Edge CAN’T beat Undertaker one on one, which is what this match is.

Oh boy did I really go on for longer than I should have on something that is kinda meaningless .

Just days earlier, on SD, Batista hit a SPINEBUSTER on Undertaker right on the steel steps, and Undertaker, despite controlling the early part of this match, shows signs of his back not being 100%. Little things like him selling it after hitting the apron leg drop makes me . And then like at WM, Edge is able to counter a signature Undertaker move, this time with the Edgeomatic, and that allows him to add some extra damage to the Dead Man’s back!

BACK WORK~! And some good back work at that. Dropkicks, submissions, and even those shoulder blocks in the corner, but with Undertaker turned around so the shoulder goes into the back and not the stomach!

The story of the WM match was Edge knowing Undertaker inside and out, and being able to counter move after move from The Undertaker, while here we have Undertaker being able to counter a number of Edge’s counters in order to keep himself in the match despite all the back work done by Edge. And it’s fucking tremendous to watch.

We also see Undertaker going the extra mile to try and take Edge out, including going for a top rope elbow drop, which Edge avoided and holy fuck Undertaker takes one hell of a fucking back bump that a guy his size and age (even in 2008 lol), should NOT be doing. Props to the Dead Man for that.

Spear countered into a DDT by ‘Taker . Another of those great counters from Undertaker!!!

The Edgeheads try to get involved here, with one of them decking Undertaker with the WHC, and another showing up only to be taken out straight away lol.

LAST RIDE~! NO, EDGE COUNTERS~! NO, UNDERTAKER COUNTERS EDGE’S COUNTER~! HELLS GATE~! HELLS GATE~! HELLS GATE~! EDGE TAPS OUT!!! EDGE TAPS OUT!!! THE UNDERTAKER IS STILL THE WHC!!!

The match is over, but The Undertaker is refusing to let go of the hold!!! Undertaker said he was going to hurt Edge, and well, he just fucking did!!!

Unfortunately Undertaker gets stripped of the title due to his misuse of THAT SUBMISSION HOLD, but hey, for now, Undertaker is still champ and this match is fucking tremendous.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Orton backstage again, this time standing outside of JBL’s locker room looking creepy as fuck, like he’s about to barge in and rape him or something… then CM Punk shows up and wishes Orton good luck while flashing his MITB briefcase .

 

Randy Orton Vs Triple H Vs JBL Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

In Time song from The Punisher is the song for the video package here .

The music dies and so goes all my . Because this is like a half hour match and I seem to recall that HHH and Orton are the last 2 guys with a stupid amount of time in a one on one match that’s boring as shit, like most of their matches tend to be.

the bell rings, and Orton steals the belt from the referee, runs at JBL, and gets a boot to the face for his troubles . JBL rules.

JBL then starts caving in Cena’s face with his awesome punches in the corner .

Lots of fast, hard hitting action early on that would make you think this is gonna be a good match. But we all know it’s a lie. Just like cake.

Orton pulls up a chair and lets everyone else battle it out… until Cena fucking CHARGES at him .

Cena gets his moments later though as he’s knocked off the apron and fucking crashes into the announce table. How the fuck it didn’t break on impact is beyond me lol. Cena HAD to have hurt himself there.

Cena has Orton in the STFU, and JBL runs into the ring to… STAND AND MOCK ORTON . This is an elimination match, so it makes PERFECT SENSE . Then HHH appears from behind and locks JBL in a Crossface (which is getting overused tonight…)! Orton escapes the STFU and begins to mock JBL right back until Cena shoves him from behind into HHH and breaks up that submission lol. Fun little segment in this match .

TOWER OF DOOM~!

worst F-U ever to JBL .

STFU TO JBL~! And JBL taps out . JBL was the best thing in this match so far and he’s gone. And while Cena lets go of the submission… PUNT~! Cena has just been eliminated too!!!

And now we have TWENTY MINUTES LEFT with HHH and Orton .

Things get real boring real quick… so much so that I end up watching a “football fails” video on my facebook feed (was hilarious, a bunch of kids getting hit in the face with footballs ), and WWE are apparently also bored cos they keep showing the replay of Cena getting PUNTED .

Orton injures HHH’s mid-section and starts kneeing it and shit and then… HEADLOCK~!

RK…oh? Ummm… I *think* HHH countered it… but it actually looked like HHH went to his knees instead of falling down flat and it came across as more of a botch lol.

Seems Orton is even bored now, and decides to have a mini-match with the steel steps .

Fucking OUCH! HHH counters a Piledriver attempt by tripping Orton up, and Orton just cracks his back and head on the steel steps. Can you say Concussion? Well, Orton probably can’t because his brain just got scrambled .

worst ref bump ever .

RKO~!

PEDIGREE~!

NEW CHAMPION~!

Well, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be… but it SHOULD have been so much better. The first part of the match was awesome, and if it carried on like that, this would have been incredible. But JBL and Cena are eliminated together far too early into the match, and once that happened… HHH and Orton just fumbled around for most of their 20 minutes together, which ends up bringing down the entire match. They still gave us some good moments, but overall it is like most of their matches; dull.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12