Month: September 2014

No Way Out 2004

 

Sable and Torrie fap this PPV off. I mean START this PPV fap. Uhhh I mean… FAP FAP FAP.

Cole and Tazz just talk about how often they jerked to the Sable/Torrie Playboy mag.

 

The Basham Brothers & Shaniqua Vs Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty – WWE Tag Team Championship Handicap Match

Bashams suck. The shemale sucks. Scotty & Rikishi as a tag team in 2004 don’t do it for me. I’ll take the advice of… whoever gave me the advice, and I’m skipping every Basham Brothers match on 2004 PPV .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Jamie Noble Vs Nidia – Jamie Noble Must Wrestle Blindfolded

Oh man, I remember all this feud like it was yesterday. So much fun.

Noble gets the blindfold on, Nidia slaps him and he loses his shit, almost getting DQ’d for taking the blindfold off .

Match is worked so damn well. Nidia moves around outside the ring then sneaks in to attack. She jumps up and down to make loud noises then sneak around somewhere else and kick him in the BUTT. She’s just embarrassing him for all the shit he’s put her through. Awesome. Jake would be proud .

at Nidia doing the old “going behind someone and fake humping them” schtick. Noble is going crazy. I’m loving every second of it.

Nidia practically dominates the whole thing, occasionally getting caught but always escaping. Then when Nidia climbs the ropes and the ref watches her, he sneaks a peak, throws her off the ropes and locks in a submission for the win.

Extremely fun and very well worked match. Didn’t have the crowd interaction of the Jake/Martel match, but only one person was blindfolded here so they worked the match differently given the circumstances and honestly I think this is a BETTER match overall.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

The World’s Greatest Tag Team Vs APA

this looks awesome on paper.

Typical start to an APA match; APA beat the fuck out of anyone in the ring with them. But BRADSHAW has himself an injured arm, and that allows the WGTT to prevent getting killed TOO MUCH .

So, with Bradshaw having a bad arm, you’d expect WGTT to go after it and shit, right? Wrong! They instead… work over FAROOQ’S ARM . WHAT THE FUCK? Bradshaw is already hurt. FUCK HIM UP. Ain’t brain science ffs.

They work over Farooq’s arm fine, but again it’s the fucking WRONG PERSON lol.

Hot tag to Bradshaw and fuck me he’s awesome coming off the hot tag. Murdered everyone.

CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~! Charlie Hass is out. But he isn’t the legal man!

SUPERKICK~! Shelton pins Bradshaw.

Fine match, didn’t go very long though. Just think they worked it the wrong way. Should have been the guy with an INJURY getting worked over lol.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

GOLDBERG HAS ARRIVED. YEY. HE GETS TO SIT AND WATCH THE SHOW IN THE FRONT ROW FOR STORYLINE PURPOSES INSTEAD OF A FAN GETTING TO SIT THERE!!!

 

Paul Heyman comes out to address Goldberg. Lesnar shows up too. He provokes Goldberg fighting in the ring, forcing security to kick him out! Smart by Lesnar and Heyman to get rid of him now so Lesnar can defend his title in the main event without looking over his shoulder all the time. OR DOES HE?

 

Unfortunately Goldberg beats the hell out of Lesnar, then HARDCORE HOLLY runs out to try and get him some .

 

Hardcore Holly Vs Rhyno

I… have no idea why this match is a thing . Oh, according to Cole, this whole feud began THREE NIGHTS AGO .

So this was a match. They wrestled. It was fine. GORE. ALABAMA SLAM. Holly wins.

Wow, absolutely NOTHING else to say on this one . It was fine but… I just didn’t care.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

UNDERTAKER RETURNING AS THE DEAD MAN TEASE VIDEO .

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Chavo Guerrero – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Wow, I’m willingly going to watch a Chavo Jr match. I must be ill… .

Well I SAID willingly… I just waited FOUR DAYS before actually sitting through it .

Some Mexican boxer or something is out with Rey to counter the fact CHAVO CLASSIC is in Chavo Jr’s corner.

Chavo tries to take Rey’s mask off, so Rey kicks him in the fucking face, beats the shit out of him and sends him running to daddy. Literally . Chavo Jr is such a pussy!

They go back and forth for a little while, then Rey picks up some momentum, hits a 619, and goes for a West Coast Pop only to have Chavo Classic knock him off the arpon. WHILE THE BOXER IN REY’S CORNER JUST WATCHED . He at least knocks out Classic, but the referee sees it and sends him to the back. What a useless cameo .

and after all that, Rey is STILL controlling the match . Could they only afford to have the boxer on TV for so long? Because the entire thing was like Chavo’s existence; pointless.

Chavo eventually gains control and wow I just stop caring. Completely.

Rey starts getting some hope spots in and that’s when the match really picks up and gets good, because you know, REY IS FUCKING AWESOME.

APRON DDT TO CHAVO~!

Rey keeps building momentum, manages to hit another 619 and then almost a West Coast Pop but not quite, as Chavo rolls through into a single leg boston crap, something he’d used on Rey earlier.

Chavo Classic wakes up finally, knocks Rey off the ropes and Chavo manages to get a quick pin and wins the CW title.

Rey was great in this, Chavo bored the fuck out of me. Solid match but not as good as I remembered it being.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Kurt Angle Vs The Big Show Vs John Cena – #1 Contendership for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania

at the “tale of the tape” for this match. Career highlights are on there, with Show and Angle having multiple WWE title reigns and other accomplishments… and then Cena has “PHD in Thuganomics” as his ONLY highlight .

So the match starts and Big Show tells Cena to stay back because he wants KURT ANGLE alone. So Cena just relaxes and laughs as Angle gets thrown around by the giant . Angle sees this and challenges Cena to take on the big man on his own. Same results, with Angle laughing at Cena this time . Angle and Cena get in each other’s face over it and… beat the shit out of each other . Fun start to the match tbh. Better than them automatically just going after Big Show together.

ANGLE TRIES TO HUMP BIG SHOW~!

.

Whole match so far has been Big Show dominating one man at a time while the other sits on the outside waiting for his turn to come back into the match lol. The ever exciting TRIPLE THREAT FORMULA~!

Fucks sake Cena. SELL. He has a fucked knee. Happened at the RR when Show eliminated him. He has a knee strap on it. Show works it over. So what does Cena do on his comeback? DROPKICK. TOP ROPE BIONIC ELBOW. A FUCKING F-U TO THE 500LB BIG SHOW. Well I guess SOMEONE needed to no sell shit while Angle was, ironically, selling on the floor…

FINISHERS~! KICK OUTS~! MAKING SUBMISSION HOLDS LOOK USELESS~!

At least throughout all of this, Big Show CONTINUES to go after Cena’s injured leg. Someone has to remind the guy it’s hurt .

In fact it’s Show’s leg work that comes into play at the end of the match. He slams Cena knee first into the turnbuckle, then Angle shows up from behind, Angle Slam’s Show over the ropes and applies the Ankle Lock to Cena and CENA TAPS OUT. CENA TAPS OUT.

Match isn’t BAD, it’s just average. Show was the absolute WORKHORSE of this match. Was rare we got Cena Vs Angle (save that for next year I guess lol…), so Show worked 90% of the match and was the one on top form with attacking injured body parts and being all GIANT-Y on everyone. Props to him. Angle… honestly wasn’t there much either . Cena was the main problem as he took the biggest beating and was shoddy as fuck with his leg selling.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Brock Lesnar Vs Eddie Guerrero – WWE Championship Match

Been looking forward to this. Picked this PPV as my next Ramble because after watching WM and seeing Bryan overcoming the odds and winning the WWE Championship, I wanted to watch EDDIE do the same from 10 years earlier. Plus I’d already done my WM XX review so seeing Benoit do it was out of the question .

God I still love the story going into this match. I was already a big Eddie fan long before he became the most popular wrestler on the planet, and after knowing everything he’d been through to get back to WWE in 2002, it was impossible for anyone to NOT feel for Eddie and want him to realise his dream of becoming WWE Champion (unless they are a heartless cunt and if so FUCK YOU).

Lesnar was the PERFECT opponent for Eddie at this time too. It’s like LESNAR is a representative of all of Eddie’s demons, and Eddie has to go through this force that many people believe to be UNSTOPPABLE. And that’s how Eddie felt in real life at one point with his demons. So now he gets to redeem himself once more by beating LESNAR and proving he can once again overcome those DEMONS.

Brock is confident as FUCK going into this. He ties up with Eddie and shoves him around, screaming YOU AIN’T NUFFIN at him, all the while Eddie keeps smiling and coming back at the BEAST.

Eddie keeps trying to fight back but Lesnar’s POWER is a real game changer. Fuck me at that SNAP SUPLEX. Eddie bounces half way across the ring on impact.

FUCKING JEBUS. Eddie dives off the ropes to hit a hurricanrana and Lesnar catches him but DROPS HIM ON HIS HEAD like a powerbomb, before lifting him back up and SWINGING HIM AROUND then letting go and sending him halfway across the ring once again.

OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEXES .

RUNNING KNEE TO THE FUCKING FACE while Eddie is in the corner. Lesnar is DOMINATING.

But Eddie is STILL fighting back. He keeps getting some shots in on Lesnar, but right now it isn’t enough.

Eddie catches Lesnar! Knocks him down and drags him over to the ring post to wrap his legs around it! Lesnar tries his best to stop him, but takes a couple of shots to the knee before managing to turn it on Eddie and smash his face into the post .

MUSCLE BUSTER. Only unlike Samoa Joe, Lesnar has visible muscles .

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. Lesnar presses Eddie over his head like he was fucking NOTHING. I mean DAMN, we’ve seen a lot of POWER by wrestlers over the years but fuck me, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone lift someone in the air, that high too, with anywhere near the ease of Lesnar there.

Eddie escapes it and goes RIGHT FOR THE KNEE that he managed to do some minor damage to earlier, but before he can really go to work on the BEAST, Lesnar comes back with a Lariat that would make Stan Hansen proud.

All of Lesnar’s attacks are working over the back and mid-section of Latino Heat. And it all looks awesome too. Overhead belly to bellys, shoulders to the gut, shoulders to the back etc.

Lesnar goes for another running knee to the face in the corner, but Eddie moves and Lesnar goes KNEE FIRST into the turnbuckle and crashes to the floor!!! PLANCHA~! Eddie might have finally found THE opening he needed!!! Back in the ring he goes right for the knee once again! The Beast is in trouble! Latino Heat is building momentum!!!

Aaaannnd then the POWER once again cuts Eddie off, but Brock is hurting now and can’t get back on Eddie as much as he’d like.

Brock is still too cocky, standing over Eddie talking trash, and in similar fashion to what Undertaker does in this position, Eddie suckers Lesnar in and applies a submission! And of course, it’s to the BAD KNEE .

TILT-A-WHIRL INTO A HEADSCISSORS~! LATINO HEAT IS ON FIRE!!!

at Cole when Eddie applies a Figure Four. “BROCK HAS TAPPED OUT TO A SUBMISSION HOLD BEFORE, CAN HE DO IT AGAIN?” What else would he fucking tap out to, you mong? OMG LESNAR JUST TAPPED OUT TO SLAP TO THE FACE~!

Eddie is fucking RELENTLESS with his attack on Lesnar’s knee . He can’t stand toe to toe with Brock, so he’s taking it to the mat where, with an injured knee to help him, he can have a REAL chance of winning even against an accomplished amateur wrestler like Brock.

As usual Brocks POWER comes into play and cuts off Eddie, but Brock is really feeling all that leg work, and isn’t as explosive as before, taking his time between moves and unable to truly capitalise on his own offence.

DIE EDDIE. JUST DIE! Man, a powerful moment in the match as Lesnar, now BLEEDING, is STILL unable to keep Eddie down. Like his battle against drug and alcohol addiction, Eddie IS NOT GIVING UP .

The fans begin to really get behind Eddie, helping him escape the grasp of BROCK and mount what could be his LAST STAND against the WWE Champion .

THREE AMIGOS~! LATINO HEAT IS FIRED UP ONCE AGAIN~! Frog Splash time baby!!!

And Lesnar moves. Eddie crashes and BURNS .

F-5~! But the referee gets caught by Eddie’s legs on the way round! Eddie is down but the referee is OUT! It’s almost like a higher power is giving Eddie another chance, just like in real life!!!

Lesnar brings the title into the ring. The referee is down, and LESNAR is pissed. He’s been pissed for most of this match. He expected to run through Eddie like he was nothing, but Eddie just won’t DIE.

Speaking of running through someone… GOLDBERG SPEARS THE HELL OUT OF LESNAR!!!

Eddie covers!

1…

2…

LESNAR KICKS OUT~!

And then it happens. Eddie looks down and sees the WWE title belt that LESNAR brought into the match, and he just grins from ear to ear . LIE, CHEAT AND STEAL~!

F-5 countered into a DDT… RIGHT ON THE BELT~! Sort of. That’s the intention anyway haha. Either way… LESNAR IS DOWN!!!

FROG SPLASH~! THE COVER!

1…

2…

3!!! YES! EDDIE GUERRERO IS CHAMPION!!!

Eddie had a drug and alcohol addiction. He lost his job. He lost his family. He almost lost his life multiple times. But he came BACK. He overcame his demons. He got his family back. He got his job back. And now he beat BROCK LESNAR and won the WWE CHAMPIONSHIP! Still an emotional match to watch .

Incredible. Just fucking INCREDIBLE.

Rating: ****3/4
CAL SCALE – 8

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12.5