Category: Written Reviews

WrestleMania 32

The BIGGEST WrestleMania ever. In terms of attendance. Everything else? Perhaps the WORST WrestleMania ever for the card, booking and buildup. I have never, in all my time as a wrestling fan, been this uninterested in a WrestleMania. Congrats, WWE…

Kalista Vs Ryback – WWE United States Championship Match

Nothing like putting the US title match on before 90% of the fans have even made it into the arena .

This looks like a TNA live event .

Hardly any fans in attendance yet, and we still yet a loud Goldberg chant for Ryback .

Seriously, this feud is about Ryback thinking he’s better cos he’s big and Kalisto is small? What year are we in again?

they end up on the outside and it looks like there is only ONE person on the front row right now . Seriously, why put on a match BEFORE people are even there?

The sad thing is, this is actually quite fu… WHAT THE FUCK? A BREAK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MATCH? TO ADVERTISE WM? DURING WM? WHAT?

Guessing the pre-show was on things like YouTube as well or something? So they are still trying to get people ot order the Network for WM? Still… come on. FFS. Do it AFTER THE MATCH.

Anyway, before I was VERY rudely interrupted… this is a fun match. Sure, its a match built on an angle you’d expect in the fucking 80’s, but Ryback is throwing Kalisto around like crazy and showing off his power and whatnot, and it all looks really good, meanwhile Kalisto is doing a good job as the FIP. Might have worked better if, you know, THE CROWD WAS ACTUALLY THERE.

So, Kalisto. Is he always this good? I rarely watch his matches, but the last few I have seen, he does make me think he’s the newer Rey Mysterio in terms of being small, taking great looking bumps, and having some super fun and unique comeback spots.

Nice finish that shows off the POWER of Ryback as he drags Kalisto away from the ropes, and rips off the turnbuckle pad at the same time due to Kalisto trying to hold onto it. Then it shows off how Kalisto can counter anything at any time and defeat even THE BIG GUY.

Good opener! I’m just worried the show is going to be downhill from here…

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

Total Divas Vs Team B.A.D. & Blonde

DOWNHILL.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

LITA~! She’s been on the pre-show panel, and now she’s in the ring cutting a promo with a belt hidden under a red cloth. The new Women’s Title Belt? Yep. It is literally just the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt, but smaller and with a white back. Lita claims the winner will be the FIRST WWE Women’s Champion. Did… did they forget they had one before? Anyway, nice to see the WOMEN’S title back to replace the DIVA’S title. Always disliked the DIVA part of it, made them seem more like bitchy girls than female athletes. Then again they WERE typically booked to be bitchy girls…

The Usos Vs The Dudley Boys

We basically had a full crowd for the 10 diva tag and now this, meanwhile the US title match was done in front of like 10 people. A LOT of people missed out on what is likely gonna end up as one of the best matches of the night.

Now then… do I watch this? I always liked the Dudley Boys, and its nice to see them back at WM. But… the Usos. Probably my least favourite tag team of the decade so far.

Bah, fuck it. Not watching. Skipped to the end. Usos won. Put the Dudley Boys through tables. Yawn.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

And so ends the Pre-Show. I thought the Andre Memorial Battle Royal was gonna take place here too? Oh well. That’s all for me tonight. I didn’t watch this live, I downloaded it. And now I’m off to bed and will download WM when I get up.

Kevin Owens Vs Sami Zayn Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs The Miz Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs Stardust – WWE Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match

Oh look, its the first major problem on the main show. Why. WHY. WHY THE FUCK could they not give us a single, one on one match between Owens and Zayn? They have the history. All they had to do was fucking TRY. Instead, they thought “fuck it” and threw in a bunch of useless fucking jobber nobodies and gave them a ladder. They literally booked this match to be nothing more than a pointless clusterfuck spotfest. Meanwhile the US title, where the champ is a fucking LUCHA guy… gets a random as fuck singles match?

First match of the main show, and the first match I’m watching since I woke up as the pre-show was online before I went to bed, and I’m already FUCKED OFF with this fucking show.

Fucking hell, how many different announce teams have they got this year? And all of them sound way better and more exciting than the English team .

CUNTS. Motherfucking CUNTS. Everyone but Owens runs out of the ring for a ladder, and Owens stays in the ring to stop them getting back in… except for Zayn. And they have a little staredown and punch exchange. Nothing like teasing what we SHOULD HAVE FUCKING GOTTEN IN A SINGLES MATCH. Instead of this spotfest shite.

Ok, that’s not fair. This is only a minute in. I don’t know it its shite yet. It could be good… .

Strange feelings for this. One the one hand, Zayn winning the belt here at WM would be an awesome moment and very well deserved. On the other hand, a big built up singles feud between him and Owens leading to a Zayn victory in a match would also be awesome. WHICH DO I WANT? Guess I’ll go with a WM win because I don’t have the faith in WWE to book them in a big singles feud…

FUCKING SAMI . Dive through the ropes onto everyone but Owens, then he runs around the ring, through the turnbuckle and lands the DDT . And I liked how his dive through the ropes (and a ladder) was somewhat logical. The ladder was near the ropes, and every time he tried to move it, Miz kept grabbing it. And with 5 other guys all down there, Zayn needed to make sure everyone was taken out BEFORE he could move the ladder and have a chance at using it. Its about as much logic as I expect from this match.

Oh ffs Dolph. YOU ARE NOT HBK. As many flaws as HBK had, he was actually fucking GOOD most of the time. You sir, are a fecking idiot who forgot how to have a match years ago.

Stardust has his own ladder because… painting it helps?

Nope. Painting it does not help.

FUCK YO LADDER. Owens doesn’t want that shite.

Zayn and Owens going at it again . Also . WHY WASN’T THIS A SINGLES MATCH?

FUCK YO MIZ. Owens doesn’t want that shite either. Pop Up Powerbomb for him.

Oh hey, Ryder is in this match. Forgot he existed.

FUCK ME THIS SHOW IS FIVE HOURS LONG? AND WE’VE ALREADY HAD A 2 HOUR PRE-SHOW?

Urgh, lame set up for the whole “ladder break” spot that we seem to get in EVERY FUCKING LADDER MATCH these days. It stopped being special or impressive when you kept using it every chance you had.

Zayn and Owens battling on the ladder . Just stop already. Every time they have an interaction I get sad at what we didn’t get. HERE’S WHAT YOU COULD’A WON!

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCK AT THAT FUCKING HALF NELSON SUPLEX TO FUCKING OWENS ON THE BLOODY LADDER BY ZAYN. Match gets ***** for that alone.

Zayn was about to win and Jiz ruined the moment. Like he ruined everything by breathing.

What?

Just?

Happened?

What?

The?

Fuck?

Zack Ryder wins?

Minus Five Stars.

Someone check on Vince. I think he legitimately has brain damage. Actual brain damage. I’m not making some weird joke. He needs help. He is mentally ill at the very least. As is the entire fucking company apparently.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho

REMATCH-A-MANIA~!

So this feud was built up based on chants. And it gets a singles match at WM. After they already had multiple matches. Meanwhile Owens and Zayn are forced to compete in a multiman clusterfuck ladder match where Zack “he’s still employed?” Ryder WINS.

Brain. Damage.

Both men do moves. That is about the only way to really describe the match. They go back and forth doing moves. No reason. No nothing. Just moves. Because its WM and apparently doing moves is all that matters now.

AJ’s hair looks stupid.

Oh. A finisher kickout. Jericho is the only person on the planet who is surprised…

Styles Clash happens. And once again, Jericho kicks out of it. What’s the point of keeping Styles from using the move and having someone kick out of it any time he actually uses it?

Brain. Damage.

LOLJerichoWins.

I look forward to all the ****+ ratings from everyone else.

Personally I found this boring and pointless.

Rating: *1/2
CAL SCALE – 0.5

The New Day Vs League of Nations

Are… are The New Day dressed as Saiyans? I thought the Ginyu force would have been a better option personally…

Woods is Vegeta. Big E is Nappa… and I guess that makes Kofi Raditz? You know, Raditz, the weakling of the bunch, so weak they could GROW SAIBERMEN AS STRONG AS HIM .

Cole acting like he knows who Vegeta is and what DBZ is was hilarious. He clearly has no fucking idea what any of those words mean.

Did JBL just compare LON to THE FOUR HORSEMEN?

Is Barrett in this match? Cos he just seems to be standing on the floor. Best place for him, mind you, but still, I did think this was a 4 on 3 match.

LON win. Had some fun parts to it, but boy it was just another pointless match. This is fucking WRESTLEMANIA and this match didn’t mean a damn thing.

Rating: *3/4
CAL SCALE – 0.5

Barrett is cutting a promo. Wonder who will show up to shut him up.

Hai HBK . Damn, Shawn got GUNS.

MICK FOLEY~! Foley lost a lot of weight too .

So, third man is… Austin! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Right, the LON win their match, beating the tag team champs in a 3 on 3 match and… their reward is to get beaten up by 3 retired legends?

At least Rusev just became the GOAT Stunner Bumper.

Now for some dancing! I think Austin might need some beer before he dances… STUNNER~!

Fuck everyone, apparently .

Brain. Damage.

Brock Lesnar Vs Dean Ambrose – Street Fight

Ok, here we go. Something I can sorta look forward to. This is either gonna be one hell of a fucking WAR, or a disappointing WWE style brawl. No middle, imo.

I just have to put my faith in BROCK LESNAR.

Please, Dean Ambrose, don’t bring out your little red wagon with you.

Thank fuck for that, he didn’t . Match is starting off with potential .

SUPLEX CITY~!

KENDO STICKY~!

SUPLEX CITY~!

Oh crap, Lesnar has a Kendo Stick. And he breaks it in fucking half. Like he needs a fucking stick. YOU DON’T BRING A STICK TO A SUPLEX FIGHT.

at Dean giving a double thumbs up to the ref after landing on his head .

Paul’s evil laugh .

SLAP TO LESNAR~!

AMBROSE ON THE ATTA… SUPLEX CITY~!

Dean kept going for that stick, so Lesnar lets him have it… almost.

Now, if Dean was The Undertaker, what would he do in this situation?

LOW BLOW~!

CHAINSAW~!

The chainsaw won’t start up because DUH and Ambrose gets launched with another suplex, only this time its one of my fav suplexes, the Overhead Belly to Belly

Ambrose again tries to fight back with a weapon but Lesnar the BEAST runs up the ropes basically and launches Dean from the top with another overhead belly to belly!!!

AMBROSE JIZZES IN LESNAR’S FACE~!

STEEL CHAIR ATTACK~!

Dean fills the ring with chairs, Lesnar grabs him and hits a German Suplex… and throws Ambrose over all the chairs and lands on them himself .

F-5 COUNTERED INTO A DDT ON THE CHAIRS~!

Paul Heyman was moments away from breaking up the count lol! But the BEAST can kick out of fucking anything!

BARBIE~!

Dean is… making out with Barbie?

SUPLEX CITY ONTO THE CHAIRS~!

F-5 ON THE CHAIRS~!

Lesnar wins.

Well. I was wrong. There was a middle ground for this match. Was in between a fun crazy brawl and a typical WWE brawl. Wasn’t great, wasn’t shit. Disappointing in ways for sure. But definitely a boat load of fun in others.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

There are still THREE HOURS left. Do we even have enough matches for that? Is Rock gonna cut a fucking one hour promo? Urgh I hope not.

Snickers ad with Flair. And Ryder. And Ziggler. And Charlotte. What?

Charlotte Vs Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks – WWE Women’s Championship Match

The butterfly belt is going, and getting replaced with the WOMEN’S championship after this match.

LITA and LILLIAN looking better than the 3 competitors in this match .

Well, I honestly don’t give a fuck about this match, but ok, I’ll watch it. Its WM, and I did watch the women’s match at NXT Takeover: Dallas so I guess I’ll give this one a go too.

Sasha with some EDDIE GUERRERO type offense!

Becky misses a sunset flip when she launched herself too far lol. If that happened in NXT we’d have a shitty “botchamania” chant going by now.

Very, very nice underhook reverse DDT by Becky. Don’t think I’ve ever seen that done before.

Fuck me, Sasha with a brutal looking bump over the ropes right to the floor!

FROG SPLASH~! More Eddie offence from Sasha!

Crazy to think that just a couple of years ago, we wouldn’t see 90% of these moves being performed by the females in WWE.

RIC FLAIR GETS TAKEN OUT WITH A DIVE~!

Wonder if he’ll blade .

MOONSAULT OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO BOTH OPPONENTS ON THE FLOOR~!

This is definitely your typical wwe style triple threat match, but I dunno, seeing the women pulling it off THIS GOOD leaves me more impressed with the match than “oh joy moves” like I would be if this was 3 guys doing it. I guess I really am just not used to this from the women’s division since I rarely watch a women’s match.

FIGURE EIGHT~!

FLAIR PREVENTS SASHA FROM BREAKING IT UP~!

BECKY TAPS~!

Well, I didn’t see that coming tbh! I was expecting a new champion!

Well, I guess we do kinda have a new champion, as Charlotte is now the NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!

Colour me impressed. Very impressed. This match got plenty of time, felt big, and everyone looked tremendous in it. Perhaps I need to watch some more of this WOMEN’S revolution!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker – Hell in a Cell Match

this isn’t main eventing?

Ok, what is left for this show? This HIAC match. WWE WHC match. Andre Battle Royal. And the video file is showing as having 2 hours and 22 minutes left? Maybe there is like an… aftershow panel thingy on the end of this? Because I can’t see the show going on for that long unless I’m forgetting like 2 or 3 other matches .

So, Shane needs to win to gain control of the company, which the FANS want to see. Undertaker is still a massive babyface. And if he wins… Shane is done. Which the fans don’t want to see. But if Undertaker loses, Shane gains control and Undertaker never wrestles at WM. The fans want to see Shane gain control but don’t want Undertaker to never wrestle at WM again. WHO BOOKED THIS SHIT?

Brain. Damage.

Oh yeah and this show is taking place in TEXAS. You know, that place where THE UNDERTAKER IS FROM. How on earth and they supposed to be upset if Undertaker wins? Or truly happy if SHANE beats him?

Brain. Damage.

Anyway, enough of that. I need to stop thinking about all of that. This is the motherfucking UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA IN DALLAS TEXAS IN A HELL IN A CELL MATCH AGAINST SHANE O’MAC. This HAS to be insanely entertaining, right? Damn right.

Undertaker doesn’t get anything majorly special for his entrance again this year, but come on, EVERY Undertaker entrance is the greatest entrance ever. His normal entrance eclipses everything else anyone might do.

I like how they are hyping the fact that the longer this goes, the more is favours Shane because Undertaker will be knackered quicker. But Shane is the one dancing around and running around and throwing tons of strikes that aren’t connecting… and he’s old as fuck too . He’ll probably run out of steam before Undertaker .

Well, anyway, this is fun so far . Shane is trying it hit and move, and Undertaker keeps catching him with a couple of shots than just floor O’Mac.

ARPON LEG DROP~!

LAST RIDE~!

Shane actually kicked out?

A non wrestler just kicked out of one of THE UNDERTAKER’S FINISHING MOVES .

Shane taking a page out of Undertaker’s book with the MMA submission! Triangle Choke!!!

Undertaker is drooling .

CHOKESLAM ON THE STEEL STEPS~!

And Shane is gonna kick out again isn’t he?

Yup.

Come on. Seriously?

Getting hard to tell now if Undertaker is actually knackered or if he’s selling the effects of the match .

HELLS GATE~!

I wonder how Shane will escape this…

Well, nice counter, he managed to slip his head right out of the hold and counters with a Sharpshooter!!! Better be careful, ‘Taker, you’ll get screwed!

Undertaker POWERS out of it because he’s the fucking DEAD MAN.

Oooo Undertaker is in the corner… are we gonna see it? Is Shane gonna hit it? We all know its coming… come on Shane… we wanna see it!!!

Out comes the trash can! Its gonna happen .

And here we go…

COAST TO COAST~!

Ok, trash can doesn’t even remotely connect with Taker, but screw it, COAST TO COAST~!

BOLT CUTTERS~! Shane gonna escape the cell!!! Looks like we might get that big HIAC bump that we’ve all be craving for for years! I mean… not that we desire to see someone take a stupidly dangerous bump or anything .

OUCH. Undertaker drives Shane through the cell and the back of Shane’s head smacks on the CORNER of the announce table. That had to fucking take it out of Shane.

Undertaker rag-dolling Shane like a lunatic .

2 announce tables have been cleared. Shane and Undertaker are standing on a… random platform… big spot coming…

SLEEPER~! OMG!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHI… oh wait that wasn’t the big spot. Silly me .

I’m guessing… yup! Undertaker breaks the hold by smashing the two of them through a table!!!

TOOLBOX TO THE SKULL OF THE DEADMAN~! I wonder if they’ll get fined for that?

ANOTHER SHOT TO THE SKULL~!

Undertaker is laid out on the announce table… and Shane looks to the top of the cell…

IS IT… IS THIS REALLY GONNA HAPPEN? ARE WE GONNA SEE, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 16(?) YEARS… SOMEONE FLY OFF THE TOP OF THE CELL?!?!

And remember, this HIAC is HIGHER than the ones we used to see back then!!!

Even the fans are chanting PLEASE DON’T JUMP lol. This is INSANE.

FUCK ME HE DID IT. SHANE DOVE OFF THE TOP OF THE FUCKING GIANT HELL IN A CELL AND CRASHED THROUGH A FUCKING TABLE WHEN UNDERTAKER MOVED. SHANE IS A FUCKING MANIAC. HOLY FUCK.

HOLY.

FUCK.

Shane is BEGGING FOR MORE.

So Undertaker carries him back to the ring to finish him off.

Shane is getting back up. The fuck is wrong with him?

Undertaker showing respect for Shane, then smashes him head first into the mat with a TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER~!

The Undertaker wins one hell of a fucking battle.

This was batshit crazy. Insane. Entertaining. Weird. Fun.

Of course the outcome is another BRAIN. DAMAGED. Decision from WWE given the stipulations, but at the same time Undertaker losing would have been the exact same so… WWE BRAIN DAMAGED themselves into a corner.

I basically got what I wanted out of this. An insane and MEMORABLE match. I probably enjoyed it more than some, yet somehow less than others .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

I hope HENRY wins this as a retirement gift from the company, assuming he IS retiring after this show like he’s been saying for a while now.

HOLY SHIT DDP!!! DDP IS IN THIS MATCH!!!

SHAQUILLE O’NEAL?

Goldust’s reaction to him .

Oh hey Tatanka is there too.

Shaq and Show double chokeslam Kane .

The two giants clear the ring.

Show eliminates Fandago. Shaq eliminates Sandow. They have a staredown while everyone else stays on the floor and watches them .

Everyone else piles in and eliminates them both .

even the commentators didn’t know Tatanka was in the match .

Hmm… Henry was knocked out by Show early in the match and seems to be staying in the floor… methinks him winning could be a very good prediction from me .

Bunch of people get eliminated and HERE COMES HENRY~! He’s back and Heath Slater gets thrown out like a child.

There goes Breeze too.

KANE AND HENRY GOING AT IT .

Huh, Henry is eliminated by Kane and Darren Young. Well, there goes my prediction.

Borin Corbin wins?

Brain.

Damage.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

THUNDERSTRUCK playing while some cheerleaders dance. And they follow it up with… The Rock. Pfft.

Wait, he’s leaving .

Ah crap he came back.

With… a gun? No, a fucking FLAMETHROWER.

And he’s setting light to his name that was conveniently set up just as he came out… because… I genuinely don’t know. At all.

1 hour 10 minutes left. Only Rock to cut a shitty promo and the main event to go. Help me Jebus.

Huh, suddenly I need a shit. What are the odds?

Rock is here to tell us the attendance. 101,763. Magical. Glad he wasted our time for that. Can he fuck off now? Please?

Wyatt Family? YES, KILL THE ROCK. KILL HIM.

Wait… a match?

The Rock Vs Eric Rowan

Well, better than a promo, guess?

Rock Bottom and he wins. In 6 seconds.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

Ok, can they kill Rock now?

Oh fuck, Cena. Is he gonna bury someone in 6 seconds too now? They team up and bury the Wyatt Family together. How nice.

Triple H Vs Roman Reigns – WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match

I thought Stephanie was Nia Jax at first glance .

oh my god over 40 minutes left. After entrances, probably 30. Please, PLEASE FUCKING TELL ME THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE A 30 MINUTE MATCH.

So, this HHH entrance. Ummm… is it parodying something? It isn’t Sar Wars or Marvel so I’m obviously not aware of whatever it actually is .

Reigns booed out of the building by 100,000+ fans .

So it begins. 35 minutes left on the video file.

Nice swinging neckbreaker off the table.

SPEAR TO STEPHANIE~!

Stephanie, the most hated heel in the company, and Roman STILL gets booed .

Reigns wins with a Spear.

Yawn.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

Overall CAL SCALE – 10

NXT Takeover: Dallas

Ok. I’ve never watched a FULL NXT Takeover show. I’ve rarely watched the TV show. Every now and then a match will come along that I wanna see (usually involving Sami Zayn) and I’ll watch it. But a full show? Never interested me. However, after sitting through a DECADE OF RAMBLES from 00 to 09 and seeing so much shite, people have been begging me to stop wasting my time on that and sit through something good, like NXT. So here I am. Watching a full NXT show and rambling on it. If this isn’t good, I will never let them forget it.

American Alpha Vs The Revival – NXT Tag Team Championship Match

My friend Tom (hai Tom) keeps telling me how awesome American Alpha are. If he lied to me, amma be sad.

The Revival look like a CAW team someone would make in a WWE game.

Gable seems to be super popular, always hear him get compared to Angle, and the fans in NXT like to chant his name to Angle’s theme tune lol.

at the commentator. He tries to make it sound like a big deal that American Alpha have only been teaming since July and are “already” wrestling for the tag titles . This in a company where some guys tag for the first time ever and win the belts .

SUPLEX CITY~! Wait, isn’t that Lesnar’s deal? LESNAR TO NXT TO KILL AMERICAN ALPHA~!

Too late, Dash just killed Gable with a clothesline. Lesnar only has Jordan to kill now.

I have to say, so far I am FUCKING LOVING this match. Definitely feels like a wonderful old school tag. Not exactly something I’d expect to see from an old school tag in DALLAS, unless it was the Midnight Express, but certainly something I’d expect from JCP. In fact this does remind me a lot of a great Rockers Vs Brainbusters tag. The faces had a long shine period at the start, then got cut off with a double team clothesline spot on the floor, and then we had some fucking AWESOME hot tag teases and unique ways to make sure no tag was made.

Botchamania chant for some double team move that didn’t exactly connect properly .

Oh wow this finishing stretch is absolutely tremendous. Some great near falls, but without using up any BIG finisher type moves. Hate when they waste a bunch of huge moves and completely ruin them.

ROLLUPS GALORE~!

Gotta say, I adore that tag finisher from American Alpha. Its simple, its basic, it looks like it would fit in during the 80’s but at the same time is still believable as a finisher in 2016.

We have NEW NXT Tag Team Champions! And we have a new American Alpha fan in me!

WrestleMania already has a HUGE task to follow this match. We’ll genuinely be LUCKY if anything on WM beats this.

JR IN THE CROWD~!

FUNAKI~!

KOTA IBUSHI~! Wait, the fuck is he?

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

Baron Corbin Vs Austin Aries

A Double! The Greatest Man That Ever Lived!

And he’s facing Borin Corbin. At least, that’s what he was the last time I watched him. I hear good things (mostly) about Corbin these days, but I’m still a bit sceptical.

did Aries just avoid a clothesline by being… too short to even have to duck under it?

Dammit. A fucking nerve grip. Corbin living up to the Borin Corbin name I gave him. Such a shame because he was doing well before that. I swear that hold should be illegal. All it does is suck the life out of any fucking match that uses it.

A holy shit chant for a back suplex on the floor? Ummm… ok. Oh wait no, it wasn’t an ordinary back suplex on the floor, but a spinning one. Which makes all the difference? Lol. At least Jordan and Gable’s double team one looks the part…

Oh and then Aries counters Corbin’s finisher in the ring with a rollup and wins.

*sigh* well this wasn’t exactly good. Aries was good in it, but Corbin in all honesty started good and then went to shit and it ruined the whole match for me. I just look forward to Aries getting to work with some good opponents next.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

Sami Zayn Vs Shinsuke Nakamura

Before I even promised to ramble on this show, I knew I was gonna at least watch this match. Mainly because ZAYN, but also because everyone was excited for Nakamura and while I’d heard OF him, I’d never actually seen a match from him. And well, if his debut match is against Zayn, I think its time I change that.

Huh, so his name is pronounced SHINSKAY? I just assumed it was ShinSookay lol. I learned things .

Hall and X-Pac in the crowd too!!!

Well, good to see Nakamura has some personality lol. His entrance shows more charisma than half the main roster .

Nakamura seems to be taking the piss a little and just having fun, and just as Sami thinks this match is starting to be a joke, he lets his guard down and almost gets his fucking head kicked off . Zayn avoided the kick obviously, but now he realises that this is some serious shit despite how Nakamura might be acting.

Now Zayn trying to get into the head of Nakamura by imitating him after some awesome DEEP ARM DRAGS~!

HEAD KICKS~!

Poor Sami just keeps getting kneed to the face and head.

They exchange forearm shots for… well, WAY too fucking long, but I guess the crowd are into it at least so that’s something, right?

Nakamura’s nose gets busted open and he ends up kicking the shit out of Zayn in response .

Fans chant “we love strong style” (urgh, btw) while Zayn is getting the shit kicked out of him, so when he recovers he absolutely blasts Nakamura and turns him inside out with a sweet fucking clothesline, almost like he was was doing it as a big “fuck you” to the fans for loving Nakamura kicking the shit out of him .

Man, Zayn is really giving it to Nakamura. Punches and kicks right to the head, showing the world that he can beat the shit out of people too.

KOJI CLUTCH~!

Another kick to the fucking HEAD of Zayn~!

a “FIGHT FOREVER” chant .

Looks like we’re into the finishing stretch now. Some nice counters going on and holy fuck I don’t think I’ve seen as great of a near fall off the Blue Thunder Bomb as that one.

Zayn goes for the DDT through the turnbuckle, but gets KICKED IN THE HEAD. Again. Lol. Still got nothing on the European Uppercut counter .

Running spin kick to the head finally finishes off Zayn. Is that his finisher, then? Cos during the match it seemed like they were building up a running knee (the one that Bryan used?) for Nakamura?

Ok. Well. This match, huh? Overall I very much enjoyed it, no doubt about that. However it DID have some issues, mainly that awful forearm exchange that went on far, far too fucking long. Didn’t help that a lot of the strikes didn’t exactly look good either, considering Nakamura was being hyped as the best Strong Style worker in the world . However those are really only minor complaints. Well, a bit more than minor for the forearm exchange maybe . Not enough to ruin the match for me though, just not think as highly of it compared to what I expect most people to do.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

Nice standing ovation for Zayn afterwards, and I’m guessing this is his big NXT send off and he’ll now officially be on the main roster full time.

Bayley Vs Asuka – NXT Women’s Championship Match

And Asuka is pronounced Aska. Are all “U”‘s silent in Japanese names?

Ok then. The NXT Women’s Division. It has been getting rave reviews for a long time now. Most of the ones who made it so good are now on the main roster and people are liking how the main roster division is improving (mostly) with those names too.

Me though? I just haven’t cared. At all. I haven’t seen any of the big women’s matches that have been praised like crazy. I don’t watch any women’s matches any more. I just don’t care. In fact, I don’t watch that much WRESTLING any more either. I skip through Raw and maybe see 10 minutes in total, and honestly that rarely involved a match. I skip most PPV matches. Nothing interests me much these days, so it isn’t like I’m actively against the females or anything, I’m just not that interested in anything these days lol.

However, I promised I’d watch ALL of this event and dammit that’s what I’m gonna do.

What the fuck are the crowd singing? is this a regular thing for Bayley matches?

Ok, didn’t spend much time talking about the match here. One way to describe it though, is that its the female version of the previous match lol. Bayley is the plucky babyface that keeps on going and the fans love her for it, while Asuka is a brutal STRONG STYLE wrestler who will beat the shit out of you.

And you know what? This was the BETTER version of the match! Asuka’s strikes looked better, and I just found it far more enjoyable with some better counters, no stupid 2 minute forearm exchange, and a better finish too imo.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

Finn Balor Vs Samoa Joe – NXT Championship Match

JOE IS GONNA KILL YOU. And take your NXT Championship . Then again… I reckon whoever loses this match will go to the main roster after WM… so actually I want Joe to lose because fuck Balor .

Oh yeah I don’t like Balor. Any time I’ve seen him wrestle, he has impressed me about as much as Borin Corbin. Seems all he is good for is his special painted entrance.

BOBBY ROODE IS IN THE CROWD!!! FUCK YES!!!

Why does Balor have a chainsaw for his entrance? Is that normal these days? Or is it a reference I don’t get? Not like Funk gave the chainsaw to him…

Fucking hell lol, Joe already bleeding a minute into the match .

Welp, there goes a security guard!

at Joe shoving the ref off him when he tries to wipe away some blood, then the ref gets another sneaky wipe in and Joe looks like he’d murder him if he did it again .

They finally have to deal with Joe’s cut as it seems to keep bleeding . The fans aren’t happy about it because they are blood thirsty cunts apparently . Come on, guys. This has been going on for YEARS now, how are you not used to it yet?

Well, the cut STILL isn’t sorted and they have to stop the match again to deal with it some more. I hope this doesn’t keep happening. Once is fine, I understand it has to happen. But when it happens again it does take away from the match due to having to stop shit and whatnot.

Luckily the stoppages so far haven’t killed the match or anything, and Joe imo is fucking carrying this entire thing right now and has been doing since the start.

Is anyone a heel in NXT? Every match tonight, the fans have chanted for both guys/teams at some point.

Match is getting a “this is awesome” chant and I’m honestly baffled as to why. It isn’t bad, but it sure as fuck isn’t awesome. Fans these days, so easily pleased.

RANDOM MUSCLE BUSTER~! And I swear the fans were basically expecting a kickout so there was no awesome near fall from it or anything.

Why are the fans chanting 1 number ahead of the ref during a 10 count?

We get a Bret/Austin SVS 96 finish and that’s that. Meh. Not a bad match, but oh boy was this mediocre as fuck compared to almost everything else on the show .

Ah well, at least it looks like Balor is staying in NXT and JOE will hopefully move up to the main roster!

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

Overall CAL SCALE – 14.5

 

TLC 2009

 

I’ve finally made it. The last PPV of 2009. A full DECADE OF RAMBLES is about to be completed!!!

 

Christian Vs Shelton Benjamin – ECW Championship Ladder Match

*sigh* back in 09 I was so excited for this match. I mean, on paper, this SHOULD be a classic. Shelton had all those great performances in MITB matches, and Christian is one of the best ladder match guys ever. Together, especially in 2009 when Christian was likely the Best in the World? No brainer; MOTN. At least… potentially.

Unfortunately I was so fucking disappointed with this one. Every time I’ve seen it, I’ve liked it less. Will it do any better today? Probably not, but you never know.

THE ECW CHAMPIONSHIP HAS NEVER CHANGED HANDS IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS~! Well, Matt, that’s probably because ECW back in the day didn’t get anywhere NEAR Texas .

MICHAEL COLE CORRECTS MATT STRIKER WITH WRESTLING KNOWLEDGE .

This match actually starts off quite well… but once ladders come into play… it goes downhill. Botches, crappy spots and messy match structure!!!

Within about 2 minutes of a ladder showing up in the match, Christian is busted open and the match has to stop while the doctor’s see to him. Meanwhile Shelton has to pretend that the match HASN’T stopped and just looks like a pleb standing around not climbing a ladder and winning . The commentators try and blame it on the state of Texas having rules.

Shelton decides to climb the ladder after all… ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING, just as Christian has finished up being helped by the doctor . Now, I understand WWE’s PG practices and their much more strict health policies, but holy fuck does having to stop a match for a bit of blood really screw the guys over.

After a bunch of blargh spots and botches, Christian retains the title by splashing Shelton through a ladder. That sounds dirty.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Morrison Vs Drew McIntyre – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Drew doesn’t have his epic theme song atm . His old one was soooo fucking generic and shitty.

McIntyre is nice and VICIOUS here, living up to the hype the commentators throw at us in that sense. Elbows, big kicks, and every time he applies a submission (NOT A REST HOLD!!!), he’s always working the hold and trying to rip at Morrison’s face while bending back the arm etc .

An epic DDT from Morrison gets him back into the match, and man oh man Drew is awesome at taking a DDT .

Love how McIntyre is even on the offence while on the ground, kicking Morrison right in the knee. And then damn, the reverse Alabama Slam was BRUTAL!!!

Sweet Flying Chuck Kick using the apron on the outside showed us how good Morrison is at using his environment to his advantage.

STARSHIP PAIN~! Completely misses . But they act like it hit .

FOOT UNDER THE ROPES~!

MORRISON’S BELT GETS BROKEN~!

THUMB TO THE EYE~!

FUTURE SHOCK DDT~!

NEW IC CHAMPION~!

This was good stuff . Drew looked great, and Morrison definitely held his own too.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Mickie James Vs Michelle McCool – WWE Women’s Championship

This was during the whole PIGGY JAMES stuff. Seriously, WWE? SERIOUSLY? BE A STAR, YOU CUNTS.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

John Cena Vs Sheamus – WWE Championship Tables Match

I love how they try and make the TABLES MATCH out to be dangerous as fuck in the build up .

Brawling, brawling, more brawling, teased tables spots, back to brawling.

Some alright stuff here when they brawl… but then they do something fucking awful and it kinda ruins anything good they just did lol.

They even did a “OMG THE POWER” spot with Cena lifting Sheamus up for an AA .

at some of the commentary. IF A TABLE WAS THERE THIS MATCH WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER. Well DUH. And in every other match, if that had been a 3 count the match would have been over too. You fucking morons.

Oh look, now they are battling on the top rope with a table set up in the ring. I wonder what will happen here…

Sheamus wins the WWE Championship when Cena falls through a table. This is only just a step above TNA having someone win a title by opening a box…

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Chairs Match

Chairs Match .

This match coined the EPIC line from Matt Striker:

“Undertaker has been in HIAC, Elimination Chamber and Inferno Matches, perhaps none more dangerous than a chairs match”

.

Ok, so CHAIRS ARE LEGAL in this match. Other weapons can cause a DQ, but CHAIRS ARE LEGAL. This is important. CHAIRS ARE LEGAL IN A CHAIRS MATCH.

Undertaker tries to keep Batista away from a chair early on, and relies on his big rights and lefts instead for now.

Batista is the first to use a chair to his advantage after Undertaker crashes into the barricade with a missed big boot. BATISTA IS CHOKING THE UNDERTAKER WITH A CHAIR. And it’s LEGAL, because CHAIRS ARE LEGAL IN THIS CHAIRS MATCH.

SUPERPLEX~!

FACE PUNCHING~!

SPINEBUSTER~!

This is soooo far apart from their 07 series it’s unreal. Maybe it’s the chairs stipulation. Maybe it’s Undertaker being 2 years older. Maybe it’s Batista being 2 years older. Maybe it’s all of those things. I don’t know, I just know that it isn’t the same .

The crowd don’t give a shit either. They’ve been terrible all night so far though, but come on, UNDERTAKER AND BATISTA AND HITTING EACH OTHER. React, you lazy shites.

SPINEBUSTER ON THE CHAIR~! Because, as we know, CHAIRS ARE LEGAL.

HELLS GATE~!

ROPE BREAK~!

ANNOYING STRIKER COMMENTARY~!

MORE STUFF WITH CHAIRS~! BECAUSE CHAIRS ARE LEGAL. IN A CHAIRS MATCH.

LOW BLOW BEHIND THE REFEREE’S BACK~!

CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD~!

BATISTA IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~!

Well… I uhhhh… so this is embarrassing. The whole “CHAIRS ARE LEGAL” thing was done to set up a final joke about how Batista used a chair to low blow Undertaker and get the win only for it to be reversed because low blows weren’t allowed with the chair… but… Batista didn’t use a chair for the low blow. So… my memory has failed me far more than I ever thought it could.

Anyway, Teddy restarts the match, Tombstone, Undertaker wins.

It’s not great, but also not THAT horrible. Just disappointing given their history.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Randy Orton Vs Kofi Kingston

The days of Kofi getting a serious push. The MSG moment. The Survivor Series win. And now a singles PPV match with Orton. WWE tried with the guy, they really did. Then Orton got pissed off or something at how bad the guy sucks and that was it for Kofi in a possible main event .

I liked this match back in 09. And now I have one person hoping I don’t skip this match (because Kofi) as he still thinks its good, and one person hoping I don’t skip this match because he thinks it’s awful and wants me to torture myself or something. Cunt.

Kofi’s “fighting stance” is goofy as shit.

Kofi’s offence is goofy as shit.

Orton whips Kofi, expecting him to crash into the steel steps, but Kofi jumps off them… then up onto the ropes, gets his balance and then jumps off onto Orton… who has had about a year to prepare for that move and counter with a dropkick .

Seems that Orton is trying to smash his foot through Kofi’s ribs. I approve of this.

Ouch, an SOS from Kofi looks to really hurt Orton. He lands HARD on his back and neck.

BREATHING OUT YOUR MOUTH IS A SIGN OF INTERNAL INJURY~!

Kofi’s comeback . Selling the ribs (while good), just leaves Kofi moving super slow, making his offence look even worse than usual .

TROUBLE IN PARADISE~!

ROPE BREAK~!

HANG MAN DDT~!

PUNT~!

KOFI BLOCKED IT WITH HIS ARM~! HIS ARM IS FUCKED~!

ARM BREAKER~!

RKO~!

Orton wins lol.

Well, this one was… not as good as I remembered. Orton is really good in it, Kofi… he sells his ribs well, and then his arm after the Punt, but his offence is just so fucking terrible it’s hard to take anything he does seriously. He brings the match down whenever he does a move .

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Shawn Michaels & Triple H – Unified Tag Team Championship TLC Match

This is it. The last match on the last PPV. I finish this and I’ve completed a 2 year project. LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE~!

Shit, no pre-match DX promo. So this gets over 20 minutes .

Well, HHH manages to take out Big Show for a moment, and instead of getting a ladder or helping HBK against Jericho… he spends a couple of minutes looking for a table and then setting it up NOWHERE NEAR ANYONE ELSE. Meanwhile there is already a table set up on the ramp near the ring. I’m gonna hate this match, aren’t I?

Big Show and HHH literally DISAPPEAR for a time. The camera focuses on HBK and Jericho, and I literally cannot see where the other 2 went .

OK, MATT, FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP. PLEASE. SHUT UP. FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP YOU FUCKING FUCK. If you come up with another shitty, awful, terrible nickname for a wrestler I will come to your house and stab you in the nutsack.

Oh hey HHH and Big Show show up again. They are on top of the ramp way. Jericho and Shawn join them. Maybe they got lonely?

And now HBK has disappeared to get a chair, and begins to chair fight with Jericho .

THEN HE DROPS THE CHAIR SO HE CAN TURN AROUND AND FOCUS ON THE BIG SHOW. Who immediately drops him because he’s the fucking BIG SHOW. Maybe a chair would have been helpful against the giant?

Finally, something smart is happening. With HHH and HBK out on top of the ramp, JeriShow decide to go back to the ring and grab a ladder and like, TRY TO WIN.

The loudest reaction all night to something happening in the ring is… DX suplexing a ladder onto Jericho. Some people don’t deserve to go to a PPV.

Big Show punching the absolute shit out of HHH in the corner .

How much does Big Show weigh? He’s announced as 440lbs. The commentators claim he’s 485lbs. And then any time Big Show hits a splash or drops on someone… he’s 500lbs. MAKE UP YOUR FECKING MINDS. Or like, have a weigh-in before every Big Show match .

SWEET CHIN CODEBREAKER~!

SPINEBUSTER~!

SPEAR~!

Big Show is left alone in the ring with a ladder . Now, all night Show’s weight has been brought up and how the ladder has a maximum limit of 400lbs. Yet he seems to do ok… so… is he UNDER 400lbs now? I AM CONFUSED!!!

DX have to combine their strength to push the giant off the ladder .

PEDIGREE~!

HHH… hurt himself doing a Pedigree…

HBK IS ALMOST AT THE TOP OF THE LADDER~!

Aaaaand he gets pushed off onto Big Show .

Big Show beats up the ladder . I guess being pushed off it has left him with some bad memories .

Well that was pointless because Jericho just brings in another ladder straight away .

DX TRAPPED IN A LADDER~!

Big Show broke that ladder too .

That table HHH set up at the start of the match? Finally comes into play with Big Show chokeslamming HBK INTO HHH AND THROUGH THE TABLE!!!

FFS. Instead of getting ANOTHER LADDER OUT… Jericho climbs on Big Show’s shoulders to try and reach the belts instead, which goes terribly wrong when DX come back in the ring and JeriShow are helpless .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

Jericho falls off Show, over the ropes, then cracks into a table that doesn’t break and fuck me it looked PAINFUL.

And now DX decide to be retards and get one half of a ladder that Big Show broke instead of a new ladder. But Shawn climbs it as HHH holds it and they end up winning.

This is… or was… too long. Shave off 10 minutes and cut out some of the utter retarded shit and this could be good. But it did go 10 minutes too long and did feature a ton of stupid shit.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 3

 

Survivor Series 2009

 

The 2nd to last PPV… and from what I remember, it’s actually a pretty decent event. I mean, I own it on DVD after all! Can’t say that about many 09 shows .

 

The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre & Sheamus Vs John Morrison, Evan Bourne, Matt Hardy, Finlay & Shelton Benjamin – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

Man, look at the fucking TALENT in this match. And look at where most of it went . Dolph? Turned to shit. Swagger? Jobber 4 Life. Drew? TNA. Sheamus? He’s in line for a title run atm but… he just hasn’t been the same for a while. Morrison? Gone. Bourne? Gone. Hardy? Fat, out of shape, and in TNA. Finlay? Retired it seems. Shelton? Died a slow, painful death in WWE before leaving.

Quite sad .

Swagger countering a ROLL UP into a SUPLEX .

Bourne totally rocks the early going of this match, and even gets rid of Dolph with a huge SSP!!! But once that’s done, McIntyre hits his Future Shock DDT and pins him .

BUT… that leads to FINLAY running in next and trying to murder Drew, who he has been feuding with for a while.

Sheamus is tagged in and… KICK TO THE FACE immediately and Finlay is gone. Lots of fast eliminations here, no doubt so they can make sure other matches on the show get more time, even though most won’t have the potential to be as awesome as this could be with 30 minutes .

I still never understand why people DON’T BREAK UP PINS in elimination matches. Normal tag matches? ALL THE TIME. Elimination tag matches? Meh, fuck it. Stupid as fuck.

Seems things are slowing down a bit now with Hardy playing FIP, and he’s the perfect guy since Bourne has already been eliminated. Also means we get some more Swagger Vs Matt action .

Fuck me, Swagger takes the… whatever that springboard kick of Morrison was called… really, really well. Though he does seem to take shots to the head far too well in general lol .

HOLY SHIT SOMEONE BROKE UP A PIN!!!

Doesn’t matter though, Swagger still ends up being pinned moments later.

Yey some Drew Vs Matt stuff . They had some awesome matches together.

FUTURE SHOCK DDT. Well, it’s 3 on 1 now for poor Morrison. Maybe, just maybe, it wouldn’t be like that if HE BROKE UP PINS. But what do I know? I’m just a fat ginger guy who posts blogs and videos on the internet…

Morrison takes a beating for a while, but starts to come back and almost takes everyone out, until he springboards right into a kick and then BOOM, Razor’s Edge!!! Sheamus picks up the win for his team!!!

Always liked this match . Lots of good talent (and The Miz), and does get about 20 minutes too, so aside from some fast eliminations early on, it does get a decent bit of time.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Backstage segment with Christian and his team (well, Kofi’s team). Everyone is black but Christian. Christian sees this and makes a joke about it, claiming that he’s different and the only one… FROM ECW. The others laugh it off thinking he was on about being white while they are all black, and he thinks they thought it was because he was Canadian . He then raps and brings up the fact he’s the only white guy . Oh man, why the FUCK was Christian not pushed more than Edge, seriously? I don’t get it? At all. Better on the mic? Check. Charisma? Check. In ring? FUCKING CHECK. He had IT. But Vince didn’t like IT and so Christian was pushed aside. Fuck you, Vince. Fuck you straight to motherfucking HELL.

 

Batista Vs Rey Mysterio

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!!

Well, this looks like it will be FUN. Rey is running around, trying to chop down the ANIMAL… meanwhile Batista just MURDERS little Rey Rey every chance he gets .

Rey rocks at constantly trying to fight out of power moves and trying to hit Batista every chance he gets to keep him down so the power can’t come into play.

Batista is in serious trouble here as Rey really gets some momentum going, hitting multiple 619’s to the ribs of Batista while he’s standing against the ropes, and following it up with the springboard senton!!! But Rey takes one too many risks and Batista counters with his knees during a splash, and then Batista runs through poor Rey with a SPEAR that even Goldberg could be proud of.

That seems to be the end of Rey, and after a Spinebuster and BATISTA BOMB, it’s pretty much confirmed.

ANOTHER BATISTA BOMB~! Batista is punishing Rey for costing him the WHC back at Bragging Rights.

THIRD BATISTA BOMB~! And the referee calls for the bell; Rey cannot continue.

I was right, this was a lot of fun .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Team Orton backstage. Orton EXPECTS his team to win tonight.

 

Randy Orton, William Regal, CM Punk, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase Vs Christian, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP & R-Truth – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

HENRY starting this match . He wants a piece of Orton!

Team Orton on the apron all try to attack Henry and he wipes them all out.

And then behind the referee’s back, they attack him again and Orton lands the RKO and Henry is gone . I miss Henry. Team Kofi only has Christian now who is worth a damn.

R-Truth is quickly despatched and I’m a little happy . Still miss Henry .

CHRISTIAN~! Did Christian and Punk have any singles matches?

Christian is awesome early on, realising he’s about to be send into the opposite team corner, and manages to counter Punk and get back to the middle of the ring where he’s safe from potential cheap shots!

Teddy is eliminated by Christian!!! And the moment that happens, Regal rolls in and decks Christian with a running elbow .

Urgh, Kofi tagged in.

He and Regal go back and forth, but MVP makes a blind tag and comes in to eliminate Regal . WHY ALL THE GOOD GUYS GETTING ELIMINATED FIRST?!?! If Christian is next amma be majorly pissed.

Phew, MVP is next to go. But now I remember how this match goes, and I’m sad again .

KILLSWITCH~! Cody Rhodes is done! Down to 2 on 2; Kofi & Christian Vs Punk & Orton!

KILLSWITCH TO ORTON~! But Punk actually BREAKS UP A PIN and an RKO later sees Christian eliminated .

Kofi was getting a pretty huge push at the time. He had that whole “MSG moment” as well as destroying Orton’s car and whatnot. But feuding with Orton would end up ruining his career and… and I kinda wanna thank Orton for that .

Punk and Kofi, two good friends and travel buddies in real life, have a stare down for… no real reason before getting into the action.

Some decent exchanges between the two friends, but then the match slows down as Punk applies some rest holds. Meanwhile, Orton is on the floor acting more like a manager rather than a tag partner…

Kingston eliminates Punk eventually, then immediately decks Orton with Trouble in Paradise and eliminates Orton to win the match!!!

This was ok, but gots nothing on the opening tag.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Match

This match taking place allowed the first EVER one on one meeting between Jericho and Undertaker to take place during the build up. Oh, and I just so happened to be there live . Happened the same night as the epic Christian Vs Regal ECW title match too . That was one hell of a night!!!

Show and Jericho are tag champions at this time still. Show was given a title shot for his actions at Bragging Rights; costing Team Raw the match and letting Smackdown win. But, since Jericho got the pinfall in that tag, he also got a title shot tonight!

Man, there truly is NOTHING like being in the arena for Undertaker’s entrance. It’s magnificent on TV, but just so damn special in person. So glad I was finally able to experience it about 2 weeks prior to this show. And Undertaker having the WHC at the same time was icing on the cake. With current wrestling really not doing anything for me aside from Undertaker’s current feud with Lesnar, I have more belief now than I ever have, that once Undertaker retires, I will likely stop watching wrestling. Current wrestling, anyway.

We get the classic Jericho/Fan moment in this match with a fan telling Jericho to “go back to Toronto” to which Jericho replies “I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot!!!” .

Well this match plays out exactly as you would expect at the start; JeriShow double team Undertaker while Undertaker does whatever he can to not only survive, but also get some big offence in.

Again, like I’ve mentioned before in these 09 Rambles, I have to laugh thinking of all the “reports” of Undertaker being in bad shape and injured or whatever… but I challenge ANYONE to show me where he looks out of shape or injured in this match. He is taking bumps, getting beat down by 2 guys, and while the traditional triple threat formula sees 2 guys battle with one guy outside on the floor, Undertaker is almost always one of the guys in the ring.

Jericho has Undertaker locked in the Walls of Jericho for a good while, and just as everyone thinks he’s gonna tap out, Big Show gets back into the ring and takes out his partner!!!

Time for some Undertaker Vs Big Show stuff . Their 08 feud was awesome, and it did continue into early 09 as well, and nice to see it coming back a little here.

JERICHO DECKS BIG SHOW WITH THE WHC BY MISTAKE~!

LAST RIDE TO JERICHO~! But Jericho steals a page from HHH’s book at WM 17, picking up the WHC with him and decking Undertaker in the head!!!

1…

2…

NEW CHAMPION… NO!!!

Jericho tries to go for a Tombstone . Undertaker reverses, but turns into a KNOCKOUT PUNCH~!

Jericho and Big Show break up a couple of pin attempts from each other, and start to go at it!

Big Show is in control and looking to take out his old rival, but he makes the mistake of taunting Undertaker first, allowing the Dead Man to lock in Hells Gate!!!

Big Show taps!!!

Undertaker retains the WHC is a really good triple theat match!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix, Alicia Fox, Layla & Jillian Vs Mickie James, Gail Kim, Melina, Eve & Kelly Kelly – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

Since I only like about… 2 people in this match, I’ll skip it.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

John Cena Vs Triple H Vs Shawn Michaels – WWE Championship Match

Both major titles matches on this show were defended in triple threat matches with the 2 challengers being tag team partners. Show and Jericho tried their best to remain together until the end of the match, and here? Well… HBK had a different idea .

HBK and Cena get to go back and forth for a good while without HHH, and HBK Vs Cena is typically always good .

Cena tries to AA HBK through the table, but HHH makes the save!!! Aaaaand then spinebusts Shawn through the table . YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!!

Well now we get HHH Vs Cena which… is VERY hit and miss compared to HBK Vs Cena .

Still, I guess it’s better than HHH Vs HBK .

After a time of HHH Vs Cena, we do of course get HHH Vs HBK.

Not really got much to say about this match. Nothing horrible is happening, in fact it’s been a fun match but… there hasn’t really been anything worth saying without me resorting to typing out every single move .

One thing that IS horrible though, is Matt Striker’s commentary. Sometimes I really like the guy… other times I wanna shoot him. On the one hand is IS knowledgeable and it can add to matches, plus he does sound like he’s genuinely having fun out there. And then that usually devolves into him TRYING to make sure we know he’s a fan at heart, and ends up being a regular old smark who somehow got on commentary lol.

SUBMISSIONS~!

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

But HBK is hurt and falls out of the ring, while HHH falls on Cena!!!

1…2… KICK OUT!!!

AA~!

EVERYONE IS DEAD~!

Crazy awesome finishing stretch with everyone countering finishers and shit before HHH gets superkicked and Cena retains the title!

Good match .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10

 

Bragging Rights 2009

 

For ONE HOUR I will have to sit through Orton Vs Cena. If I make it, I will indeed have BRAGGING RIGHTS!!!

 

The Miz Vs John Morrison – Smackdown Vs Raw Bragging Rights Match

The Jiz is the US champ. Also, I apparently didn’t remember that this show was a “best of 3” for Bragging Rights lol. I just thought it was the winner of the big 7 Vs 7 tag match, but nope. Gotta win 2 out of 3 matches tonight, with the 7 Vs 7 being one of them.

Oh, I’m not watching this. Miz wins for Raw though.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Oh yey a backstage segment between Truth and Rhodes. This will be interesting…

 

Michelle McCool, Natalya & Beth Phoenix Vs Melina, Kelly Kelly & Gail Kim – Smackdown Vs Raw Bragging Rights Match

Fuck me. Skipping this one too. Team Smackdown win of course. Melina, KK and Gail Kim are Team Smackdown btw .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Backstage we are in TEAM RAW’S LOCKER ROOM. DX pretty much bury their entire team . Well done, guys.

 

The Undertaker Vs CM Punk Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Undertaker Vs 3 other guys he has incredible chemistry with!!!

This also happens to be the match that starts the “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND” feud with Batista and Mysterio .

The Undertaker is fucking up EVERYONE early on. Well, everyone fucks up Punk because he’s a prick, but once he’s out of the way, Undertaker rolls through Batista and Mysterio until Punk comes back in to try and put a stop to the domination of the DEAD MAN.

LAST RIDE~! Mysterio is about to come crashing down, but his friend Batista SPEARS Undertaker instead! Then they tease Batista and Rey going at it, but of course it doesn’t happen yet.

GTS~!

HELLS GATE~!

LAST RIDE~!

Batista and Undertaker throwback to 07 by punching each other in the face repeatedly .

CHOKESLAM~!

Once again though Punk breaks up the count, something he seems to be doing well here tonight.

I remember around this time in 09 that reports were always coming out every week about Undertaker not being 100% etc etc and people complaining about him being champion… yet he NEVER showed any signs of injury in his matches, and despite being in a lot of multiman matches during his reign, he was ALWAYS in the thick of it, and still took some crazy bumps. So in other words, FUCK THE HATERS.

BATISTA BOMB~!

1…2…

MYSTERIO BREAKS UP THE COUNT~!

Batista is fucking PISSED and his friend Rey, and pie faces him out of the ring!

Mysterio tries to get back into the match, but Batista just LAUNCHES him over the ropes and onto Punk. Batista turns around right into a TOMBSTONE, and The Undertaker retains his title in a really fun fast paced 4 way match!!!

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Josh Matthews tries to interview Batista and Mysterio after the match… but all it does is add fuel to the fire and Batista kills Rey AGAIN .

 

Shawn Michaels, Triple H, Mark Henry, The Big Show, Jack Swagger, Cody Rhodes & Kofi Kingston Vs Chris Jericho, Kane, Finlay, Matt Hardy, Tyson Kidd, David Hart Smith & R-Truth – Smackdown Vs Raw Bragging Rights Match

Team Raw is fucking STACKED… while Team SD is a bit iffy outside of a couple of names . And the funny thing is that Team SD was COMPLETELY DIFFERENT until a few days ago . Yeah, they had all of Team SD aside from Kane and Jericho (co-team captains) go up against the guys now in the match to decide who was better. I saw the clips of that earlier in the show… and there was one guy in the match that I didn’t even fucking recognise .

Kane should never wear a blue SD vest ever again. He just… doesn’t suit normal clothes .

Fuck me, Big Show just RAN OVER Kane.

SWAGGER TIME~! He tries to taunt Kane and gets an uppercut for his troubles.

Swagger and Matt in the ring together . Reminds me of the fun times at ECW .

Charles Robinson is the bravest referee of them all, getting in between FOURTEEN MEN who wanna kill each other lol.

Hardy and Matt in the ring together . MOAR ECW memories .

Matt tries to make a tag, but Henry grabs one of his arms and fucking slings him back into the Raw corner like Matt weighed fuck all.

HBK TIME~! Did we ever, at any time, get a HBK Vs Matt singles match? Because fuck me that is something I’d LOVE to see. Or… would have done about 6 years ago…

FINLAY VS HBK . This match is just giving me tons of different match ups that I either loved when they happened or would love to have happened at some point . Having so much fun here .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC to FINLAY!!! But David Hart Smith got a blind tag and with Kidd, they hit the HART ATTACK out of nowhere and very nearly put away the Show Stoppa!!!

Nice that HBK is playing the FIP. Perfect guy to do it in this match for sure.

Hot tag to THE GAME, and HHH begins to stack up Team Smackdown with SPINEBUSTERS until Kane chokeslams him straight to hell!!!

Urgh, Kofi Kingston gets into the match for the first time. Was kinda hoping he’d go the entire match without being tagged in .

CHAOS~! Now everyone is getting into the match and taking someone out one after the other!!!

Big Show and Kofi are left standing for Team Raw… but Show CHOKESLAMS KOFI, knocks out HHH and leaves Jericho to pick up the win for Team Smackdown!!!

Very happy with this one . Tons, and I mean TONS of fun. Finlay kicking HHH out of the ring at the end is .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Cody attacks Kofi backstage for being a LOSER. I approve.

 

Randy Orton Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Anything Falls Count Anywhere Goes 60 Minute Iron Man Match

SAVE ME JEBUS~!

Also, if Cena loses, he leaves Raw.

So, at least WWE decided to make this anything goes and FCA, because an hour of these two trying to have a normal wrestling match likely wouldn’t go very well . The stipulations let them try and be creative and hopefully be entertaining for the full hour. And there is a 30 second interval between falls as well… because WWE apparently didn’t think they could go the full hour without some rests .

3 minutes in and I’m already bored.

4 minutes in and Cena gets a win already. Orton taps out as quick as possible to the STFU to avoid any long term damage.

And now we wait for 30 seconds while they stare at each other…

Dear commentators, please stop telling us Bret/HBK Iron Man was a classic. It wasn’t. It was awful.

RKO, Orton gets a fall too.

And now they decide to use some weapons too. TV monitor to Cena plus a mic to the head, but Cena doesn’t stay down.

Cena is BLEEDING. No blood in THREE HELL IN A CELL MATCHES at the last PPV… but Iron Man? BLOOD~!

Cena decides that taking a beating and bleeding means nothing and fires back up like nothing is wrong, and then hits the AA but is countered into an RKO and… both men get a win?

Ok, so Cena has been beaten up. His head is BLEEDING. He’s taking head shots from a mic, tv monitor and steel steps. His AA was countered into an RKO… but HE is the one to get back up first, and manages to hit Orton with an AA FROM THE ROPES to get another fall?

While the 30 seconds is counting down, LEGACY show up and attack Cena, allowing Orton to get another fall straight away. 3-3 now. Yey…

Kofi shows up to chase off Legacy with a chair.

22 minutes down. 38 left. I wanna cry.

They fight on the outside, and end up at the pyro area, where Orton smashes Cena onto the control pad and a bunch of fireworks go off… ORTON HAS A PLAN!!!

Orton throws Cena into some lights, which also explode, and Orton is up 1 fall!

So while Cena is trying to crawl to safety, Orton starts pressing buttons again to see what does what. Why? HE TRIES TO BLOW UP CENA . They should have made this an exploding death match instead .

Well, sitting through 30 minutes of the match so far was totally worth it for that moment .

awesome spot with the steel steps. Orton throws them, and Cena lets them land on his head and bounce off .

IT’S ALMOST A BLESSING THAT THIS IS THE LAST TIME THESE TWO WILL FACE EACH OTHER~! Lawler shooting right there . Just a shame IT WAS A LIE. And they would face each other again. In more shitty fucking matches. FUCK YOU WWE.

ROLL UP OUTTA NOWHERE~! Cena ties it at 4-4, and Orton is furious .

Hangman DDT from the apron to the floor, and it’s 5-4 for Orton.

You know what’s awesome? SUPER MARIO MAKER . I may have been playing it at certain periods of time during this match .

Things have REALLY slowed down now, and holy fuck is it dull .

I swear for about a 10 minute period, the only moves done are punches and stomps. And mostly from Orton. Who is a horrible puncher.

Yey now they are punching each other in the crowd.

Cena throws Orton through the barricade, and it looks REALLY GOOD because it almost seemed like it wasn’t supposed to break lol.

AA off the steps through the announce table. Cena is building momentum and destroying Orton at the same time. And he needs to because we have less than 10 minutes left and it’s currently tied at 5-5!

5 minutes left and Cena decides to be a retard and puts himself through a table. *slow clap*

they do a back and forth punch spot, but most of the fans are booing both men rather than getting a “yey” “boo” thing going .

Just under 3 minutes left and we get a ref bump .

RKO~! Oh but the referee is dead. Shocking.

Another referee shows up but Cena kicks out. So Orton attacks the new referee. Leaving no referee again. So Orton still won’t be able to get another fall if he wanted to. Smart…

If you were to take a shot every time one of the commentators called this one of the greatest rivalries ever… you’d be drunk enough to get through this match.

A minute left and Orton is stuck in the STFU.

10 seconds left…

ORTON TAPS OUT with 5 seconds left. Cena wins 6-5.

IT’S OVER!!! I DID IT!!! I MADE IT!!! I SAT THROUGH ONE FUCKING HOUR OF CENA VS ORTON!!!

Well, it’s not the worst Iron Man match… Bret Vs HBK still holds that accolade… but boy is this not good.

Rating: *3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4

 

Hell in a Cell 2009

 

Hmmm… HIAC is a popular and brutal way of ending feuds… I know! LET’S MAKE A PPV OUT OF IT AND HAVE RANDOM MULTIPLE MATCHES TAKE PLACE INSIDE HIAC, KILLING THE GIMMICK!!!

 

CM Punk Vs The Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship Hell in a Cell Match

BUCKLE UP, TEDDY~!

After the MONTREAL SCREWJOB 2.0 at Breaking Point, Undertaker kidnaps Teddy Long and convinces him to book a HIAC match for the WHC, and here we are!

Did this feud qualify for a HIAC match? NOPE. But WWE wanted to do a HIAC PPV, and you ain’t gonna have the first one without Undertaker inside the cell.

, Punk throwing his shirt at Undertaker during the start of the match makes me think back to the rumours at the time, that Undertaker was pissed at Punk for not complying with the dress code .

Like their BP match, Punk tries to run outside to stop Undertaker from coming straight at him with those big lefts and rights, but inside the HIAC, Punk has nowhere to run and being on the outside here might actually be the worst place for the WHC!

Crowd are on FIRE at one point in this match, with loud chants for BOTH men. Punk always got the crowd to be split in his matches against Undertaker, and very few people can claim that.

Punk works over Undertaker’s knee a little, while taking some crazy bumps off the apron into the cell a couple of times as Undertaker tries to mount some offence .

Another awesome strike exchange from these two, starting out on their knees before they make their way back to their feet and continue to pummel each other .

Undertaker is selling the knee injury really well, and Punk is doing an awesome job using it to his advantage any time Undertaker tries for a comeback.

TOMBSTONE~! The Undertaker is the NEW World Heavyweight Champion!!! Wasn’t too big a fan of Punk dropping the title at this time, but meh, UNDERTAKER IS WORLD CHAMPION . And he was WHC when I finally got to see him wrestle live for the first time ever in November .

Great HIAC match. Not too long, and sure it won’t be remembered with the likes of Taker/HBK, Taker/Foley etc, but it’s still damn good and they pack in a ton into the short time they got. At least the first HIAC PPV gets off to a good start!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

John Morrison Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Well, Rey Rey failed a drug test and had to drop the title… so he did it in a random TV match against Morrison. Meanwhile, Ziggler, the guy FEUDING WITH REY OVER THE TITLE, doesn’t get a look in .

Every Ziggler match I’ve seen on 09 PPV so far, the commentators have always put over his wrestling skills from college and whatnot… and then Morrison pretty much out-mat wrestles him in the beginning of this match .

Wait, Ziggler beat Knox and Finlay in a triple threat to earn this title shot? Or did Morrison win it for a chance to wrestle Rey when he won the title? Commentators confused me there, but either way, seeing either of these two men in the ring with KNOX AND FINLAY actually sounds fun because of how much they are likely to have been beaten up .

This match gets very back and forthy the longer it goes, which is probably for the best because Ziggler doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing when it’s up to him to control the match lol.

There is plenty of good to be found here though, but it’s also accompanied by some stupid shit, annoying shit and just shit shit, so everything just gets balanced out and instead of a bad match or a great match, we end up with a solid match that is somewhat fun overall. The best I could have hoped for tbh!

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

BATISTA~! He takes over the interview and introduces his tag partner for tonight, REY MYSTERIO~! They’ve been tag champions before, and tonight they are going to try again when they go one on one… or… two on two… against JERISHOW!

 

Alicia Fox Vs Mickie James – WWE Divas Championship Match

Oh Mickie you’re so fine… but not fine enough to make me wanna sit through an Alicia Fox match .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Batista & Rey Mysterio – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Batista and Mysterio DOMINATE Jericho early on, showing some great team work that brought them tag team gold in the past.

BIG SHOW VS REY MYSTERIO~!

Batista wants in, but Rey is determined to battle the giant all by himself!!! Not the smartest decision Rey has made .

Big Show slaps Rey in the chest and sends him over the ropes and to the floor. Rey is basically DEAD from a SLAP.

Big Show lifting Rey by his head and bringing him back into the ring looked fucking incredible. As was a side kick to Rey’s chest that looked to cave in all his ribs .

Well, Jericho really brings this down by sitting in a fucking rest hold for 99% of his time in the ring with Rey before the hot tag.

The fans seem to… not be behind Batista . They are booing him getting the hot tag .

Things slow down a little again for Batista to take a little bit of a beating, including a massive Chokeslam that doesn’t get a 3 count because Rey dives over the ropes to break it up!!!

Now REY gets a hot tag… against Big Show… and is holding his own!!!

Super fun finishing stretch for this match, with plenty of multiman chaos on the floor before Mysterio jumps off the ropes and gets cracked in the face with a knockout punch!!! JeriShow are still the tag team champions and this was a super fun match!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

John Cena Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Hell in a Cell Match

Just gotta get through this match and then it’s onto their 1 hour Iron Man match. And then I can be done with Cena Vs Orton FOREVER.

“HEY ORTON NOBODY LIKES YOU ANY MORE” some little kid in the front row. Meanwhile, the rest of the fans are booing Cena and chanting RKO . Kids are stoopid.

was that a blade that fell out of Cena’s pocket or something, and just sat on the mat in plain sight of the camera for about 30 seconds before the referee picked it up?

Really says something about the match when 12 minutes or so into it, the only things I’ve had to say is about a fan in the front row and a blade falling out .

Fuck me they spend about 5 minutes very slowly climbing the ropes and NOT HITTING ANY MOVES. Seriously, they end up on two corners of the ring, just stopping the other person from doing anything, or moving out of the way .

Orton taps out but the ref is dead on the floor or something.

Fucking HILARIOUS moment when Orton ties Cena up in the ropes then begins to choke him out . His face .

PUNT from Orton to win the match, and it COMPLETELY MISSES AND IS CLEARY SHOWN ON CAMERA MISSING . Then they keep replaying it .

I’ve watched paint drying that was more entertaining than this.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Drew McIntyre Vs R-Truth

As much as I like DREW MCINTYRE, I simply cannot sit through an R-Truth match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Apparently LEGACY studied the Hell in a Cell last week by going inside it for an hour . WHAT IS THERE TO STUDY?!?!

 

Kofi Kingston Vs The Miz Vs Jack Swagger – WWE United States Championship Match

Fuck. Right. Off.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Hell in a Cell Match

Phew, we are saved from a DX pre-match promo as Legacy attack them from behind during their entrance.

Back and forth brawling, before Cody gets the chain used to lock the cell door and hits HBK, then attacks HHH. Teddy and Cody double DDT THE GAME on the steel ramp, then Cody hits Cross Rhodes on the steel too, and HHH is out of it.

That leaves HBK in a 2 on 1 situation, and it gets even worse when Cody and Teddy LOCK THE CELL DOOR with HHH still on the outside!

Fucking SICK High-Low from Legacy onto HBK. Normally with that move, one guy tends to be a bit slower than the other and they hit at separate times, or one doesn’t really connect at all. But here it’s fucking PERFECT and HBK takes a great looking bump off it too. No crazy super flip, but just a good looking bump that makes the move look like it killed him.

AIR CHAIR~! HBK just lobs a chair into Cody’s face .

HHH finally wakes the fuck up, and realises he can’t get in! LOL. HBK is trying his best to fight off both opponents, but the numbers game continues to catch up with him and his comebacks never go anywhere.

So HHH figures out that he can’t rip the cell open… and his next option is to CLIMB THE CELL? Even if he did manage to break into the cell from the roof… it’s the new type of cell that’s far too high to jump down from .

SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!

now HHH is trying to break the chain and padlock by HITTING IT WITH A CHAIR .

HBK POWERBOMBED INTO THE CELL~!

Hey, HHH, aren’t you like, the boss’ son-in-law? You know, the guy who runs the show? Can’t you just like, demand that someone raise the cell to let you in?

One of my fav spots in the first HIAC match between HBK and Taker is when Taker picks up Shawn and just starts ramming him back and forth between the corner of the cell and the ring post… and Ted DiBiase does that same spot here .

Another awesome spot where Cody holds up HBK with a chair in front of his head, and Ted dropkicks into him .

A repeat of Breaking Point, with the Figure Four using the post, and the Million Dollar Dream at the same time! Before HBK can tap out, HHH shows up with some bolt cutters and he’s inside the cell!

SPINEBUSTER ON THE STEEL CHAIR~!

And now, despite being beaten down in a 2 on 1 situation for like 15 minutes, HBK makes a comeback and acts like nothing happened! Yey!

Teddy gets smacked in the face with the steel chain, hit with a Pedigree on the floor, then he’s dragged outside while DX lock the cell door and decide to get some revenge on Cody!

Steel chair wrapped around the neck of Cody, and HBK hits the elbow!!! He goes for a superkick, but HHH stops him and gets Sledgy the Sledgehammer out instead.

Sweet Chin Music AND the Sledgehammer to the face of Cody at the same time, and this one is over!!!

Well, I actually really enjoyed a great deal of this. I liked the concept of locking HHH out and murdering HBK until HHH could get back in and make the save. However, HBK shrugging off the 15 minute handicap beatdown really, REALLY pisses me off. They just ignored the bulk of the match so HBK could hit a couple of his signature moves and win the match. Totally ruined what SHOULD have been a great match. Instead it’s good and nothing more.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 6

 

Breaking Point 2009

 

ENTER A WORLD OF SUFFERING, WHERE EVERYONE HAS A BREAKING POINT, AND THE CHALLENGE IS TO FiND IT. Why do I feel that’s directed at me?

 

Awesome theme for the PPV though. Unbroken by Lynyrd Skynyrd!

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs MVP & Mark Henry – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

BIG SHOW AND HENRY . Hope they get some time to be all BEEFIE together.

Jericho is a little confused and wanders into the wrong corner, only for Henry to just fucking blast him in the face .

Henry tags in, and yes, Jericho runs to tag in Big Show . INCOMING BEEFIE BATTLE~!

MARK HENRY CATCHES BIG SHOW IN THE AIR DURING A RUNNING SPLASH IN THE CORNER . Henry picks Show up for a body slam with ease, walks with him a couple of steps, but Jericho comes from behind to knock him over and let Show land on him! Gotta say, I am SO HAPPY they did the spot that way. Henry still didn’t ACTUALLY slam Big Show yet (saving it for the finishing stretch I’d assume), but at the same time it wasn’t that lame “oh noes he can’t do it” spot that happens far too often. Well done, guys .

They try to turn Henry into the FIP, but no such luck lol. Not long before he’s tagging out and MVP comes in to ruin things .

SPEAR~! MVP is dead.

Time for MVP to be worked over, and meh, nobody cares really. This show is in Montreal so the fans are behind Jericho, so it doesn’t help that MVP can’t get any fan support .

HENRY IS BACK IN THE MATCH~!

Jericho gets destroyed, Big Show comes in and even he gets taken out by the not-quite World’s Strongest Man!

Awesome counter to the Code Breaker, but Show decks Mark with a WMD punch and this one is over.

Nothing amazing, but this is certainly an inoffensive match .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

A backstage interview with Cody and Teddy? OH BOY I BET THIS IS EXCITING!!!

 

Kofi Kingston Vs The Miz – WWE United States Championship Match

Well, didn’t long to find my breaking point!!!

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H & Shawn Michaels Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – Submissions Count Anywhere Match

They do lots of punching, in the ring, then into the crowd, then at the merch stand. At one point the crowd start on OLE chant. Was Zayn in attendance?

After far too long doing some shitty brawling in the crowd, they make their way back to ringside, where HHH makes good use of a chair to aid him in a Boston Crab, with HBK joining in on the fun too before Teddy makes the save.

Aaaand more brawling in the crowds, with a weird “big bump” by HBK that just kinda came out of nowhere and nobody seemed to react .

Shawn is dead or something, leaving HHH to fend for himself. I am SO FUCKING BORED right now.

Ok, now HHH is dead and they just kinda ignore him and go after HBK who has been revived by the Dragon Balls or something.

Best part of this match so far is a Spike Piledriver tease.

I think the Figure Four has been used about 5 times in this match already…

In the end, a Figure Four on Shawn using the ring post while Teddy applies the Million Dollar Dream finally forces a submission. I personally tapped out ages ago. This was terrible.

Also, HBK in a SUBMISSIONS MATCH in MONTREAL… and not a single Sharpshooter to be seen?

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Orton backstage getting interviewed about the Legacy match, and he looks like he’s falling asleep .

 

Kane Vs The Great Khali – Singapore Cane Match

Kane in a Cane match. Ha.

This match is hilariously bad .

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~! Talking with Punk about his upcoming match against THE UNDERTAKER . Jimmy Wang Yang scares the shit out of Punk by turning the lights out and making him think Undertaker is there . Jimmy Wang Yang gets beaten up .

 

Christian Vs William Regal – ECW Championship Match

Well, WWE fucked us over at SS by having this match go seconds. Thankfully they make up for it with this one . Have I mentioned I got to see Regal Vs Christian LIVE for the ECW title on an ECW taping a month after this? And it was AWESOME .

Regal comes to the ring with BIG ZEKE and VLAD, and looks like the cockiest motherfucker on the planet… until it’s announced that TIFFANY ( ) has banned them from ringside!!!

Regal wisely taking off his coat BEFORE the bell rings tonight. He ain’t wanting no repeat of SummerSlam, and no wrestling fan with any sort of love for the business does either.

Aggressive as fuck tie up to start things off, followed up with an ELBOW TO THE FACE by Regal, which Christian answers with a SLAP TO THE FACE and a Killswitch attempt!!! 30 seconds in and this is already the best thing on the show!

Regal is already bleeding from the mouth and I think it likely happened from one of the huge slaps to the face lol. Regal gains come revenge when he knocks Christian off the apron and Christian bumps in a way that makes it seem like he is hurt BAD. Such a fantastic bumper, is Christian.

Watching these two just work a couple of spots from a Gecko Roman Knuckle Lock is masterful. Oh how I wish Regal was still a fully active in ring competitor right now. Same with Christian, actually. Seems he’s retired without any real announcement .

the Half Nelson suplex from Regal has to be one of my all time favourite moves EVER. I always give it to my CAW in wrestling games… at least when it’s available in the game. I know they took it out at one point and I was sad .

Regal follows that up by grabbing Christian’s head and just smashing it with multiple forearm shots . Regal NEEDS that ECW Championship, and is willing to DESTROY Christian to gain it!

Now he’s just running into Christian’s head with his knee . All of this punishment to the head/neck area sets up Christian perfectly for EITHER the Regal Stretch submission or the KNEE TREMBLER. William Regal knows exactly what he’s doing!

Absolutely EVERYTHING Regal does in this match looks nasty and knarly and is designed to fuck up Christian’s head in some way.

REGAL PLEX~!

CHRISTIAN COMEBACK~!

Christian is firing back on Regal, even charging at HIS face with an elbow for a bit of retribution. Regal manages to put an end to the momentum at one point, but ONE mistake from Regal allows the ECW Champion to land the Killswitch and this match is over!

Epicness. Just pure epicness. And their ECW TV match is even better . I’m biased though cos I was there live .

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Pat Patterson comes out, then Ziggler interrupts and attacks him, and Morrison comes out to check on him while Ziggler just slowly walks away. How… utterly pointless.

 

Randy Orton Vs John Cena – WWE Championship I Quit Match

One down. 3 to go. I can do this. Once I get through this, I’m halfway done with their 09 matches together. Well, not exactly half way because, you know, Iron Man… but yeah…

Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle in this match. Is he trying to make Orton quit out of sheer embarrassment?

HANDCUFFS~! Things are about to get KINKY in Montreal! Pat Patterson must have a huge… smile right now.

Orton pounds Cena in the head a few times and then… unlocks the cuffs, so he can move him and tie him to the ring post instead.

This match seems to be all about what Orton it WILLING to do to make Cena say I Quit, and what Cena is ABLE to take and not say I Quit.

I know blood isn’t typically really needed to make a match, but man, if this wasn’t during the PG years, I can imagine Cena being covered in blood at this point while hanging from the ring post and it really would have added to the match imo.

SINGAPORE CANES~! Orton is brutalising Cena here, but he simply WILL NOT QUIT.

LOW BLOW~! Orton falls down and that gives Cena the chance to unhook himself from the ring post, but he is still handcuffed. Props to Cena for taking all those unprotected cane shots to the stomach too. Guy looks like he has stretch marks from giving birth… and they are bleeding .

Well, Cena managed to escape the ring post before, so this time Orton makes sure to HANDCUFF him around the ring post so there is no escape!

CHAIR SHOTS~!

Orton is basically torturing Cena live on PPV at this point. Thus making Orton the biggest babyface in the history of wrestling .

CENA GETS THE KEY~! CENA IS FREE~!

CENA HANDCUFFS HIMSELF TO ORTON~! Orton is fucking terrified, while Cena is fucking PISSED. Orton has just been torturing Cena for the last 10 or so minutes, and now he has NOWHERE TO RUN from a very, very angry John Cena!!!

RKO~!

Orton grabs around his neck for the key, only to realise it isn’t there, but sees it over the other side of the ring and desperately begins to reach over for it, while Cena does whatever he can to keep him away!

STFU~! Orton quits immediately.

I’m still not fond of the way Orton quits straight away, but I don’t think I hate it quite as much as I did back when it first happened. And I think overall I enjoyed this match more too. Still not anything great, and their NWO 08 match still shits all over it, but hey, it’s a not bad Cena/Orton match, and that has to count for something, right?

Oh yeah Cena is the WWE Champion again lol. Forgot the title was on the line .

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

CM Punk Vs The Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship Submission Match

Main event time .

Hmmm… this PPV is in Montreal. Where, as I mentioned earlier, the Montreal Screwjob happened in 1997. They didn’t tease anything with that during the HBK match, and Cena wasn’t screwed over in the I Quit match… so logically, a screwjob MUST happen in this match! Because let’s face it, Undertaker is NOT tapping out to Punk, or anyone else for that matter (except kinda sorta Lesnar that one time and kinda sorta Angle that other time…).

Punk is the only STRAIGHT EDGE World Champion in history. Hmmm… I think MR BACKLUND might have something to say about that tbh!

Punk tries to stick and move early on here, doing his best to avoid the POWER of the Dead Man. It doesn’t work for long.

Taker punches the shit out of Punk for a while, then launches him into the barricade for Punk to take a great back bump, before being able to move out of the way and have Taker bump into the barricade instead!

CHAIR SHOTS~!

Remember that running jumping SUPERKICK that HBK hits on Foley at Mind Games ’96? Well, Punk does that to Undertaker here without the use of a chair!!!

STRIKE EXCHANGE~! Punk looked like he could stand toe to toe with Taker here thanks to some sweet kicks to the head, but not even that is enough to beat Undertaker one on one in a strike exchange!

Speaking of sweet kicks to the head, Punk counters a chokeslam with one and Undertaker just CRUMPLES to the floor!

HELLS GATE~! PUNK TAPS OUT~! UNDERTAKER IS THE NEW WHC!!!

Right?

Wrong! Enter SCREWJOB part 1… Teddy Long comes out to inform us that Hells Gate was BANNED in 2008 by Vickie Guerrero, and never actually reinstated, so this match will need to continue!!!

Well, pissing off The Undertaker is not a smart thing to do, but Punk is still able to lock in the Anaconda Vice, and OMG THE REFEREE RINGS THE BELL, HANDS THE TITLE TO PUNK AND RUNS LIKE THE WIND!!!

Well, we all knew another Montreal Screwjob was gonna happen at a Sumissions PPV in Montreal lol, and this was likely the best match to do it in. Undertaker loses, Punk keeps the title, but the Dead Man still never taps out.

Finish is what it is, not hugely fond of it, but the rest of the match is really good. Their SD rematch however is tremendous, and a top 3 match they had together along with the SD match in 2010, and WM 29!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 10.5

 

Royal Rumble 2016

 

Please WWE. PLEASE. Don’t let this show suck.

 

Dean Ambrose Vs Kevin Owens – WWE Intercontinental Championship Last Man Standing Match

This is the… third LMS match at a RR event, I think? HBK/HHH in 04 and Show/Del Rio from a few years ago. They both sucked. So the question is, can two men, who have done nothing but dull, shitty generic brawls together, finally break THE STREAK of awful RR LMS matches? Sadly I wouldn’t bet money on it. But I do genuinely HOPE they have a great match here, really I do. I just… don’t expect it.

God I hate this match already and its only just started. I fucking HATE that god awful punching spot that seems to be mandatory in brawls today. Its the one where they stand facing each other and flail their arms around and nobody sells shit and its fucking awful.

Oh look, the barricade spot. Just like I predicted. Only I didn’t expect it to happen 5 fucking minutes into the match. At least it was a unique spot rather than the tackle.

this is the 4th LMS at a RR event. The commentators just reminded me of Cena/Umaga in 07. My point still stands about LMS matches at the RR sucking. Yeah, I don’t like that match. Get over it.

Fans are chanting “this is awesome”. I fucking hate that chant.

3 announce tables are all lined up and Owens spends a minute setting up a table he got from under the ring. And then gets another out. Even a fan in the front row yells out that he’s wasting time doing this .

Well, 2 tables stacked up. Both men on the ropes. Time for the big pointless spot? Nope, not yet! Guess they’ve gotta mess about for a while hoping fans will forget those 2 tables stacked up at ringside so the big spot can be a “surprise”.

DIRTY DEEDS ON THE STEEL CHAIR~!

Ok, no. Now Ambrose is RIGHT NEXT TO THE ANNOUNCE TABLES… and wastes time going under the ring to set up a fucking table. Fuck off.

And here comes another fucking table. God fucking dammit.

best part of this match so far is Owens screaming I HATE YOU at Ambrose after getting smacked in the back with a steel chair.

Owens turning the tables on Ambrose while on the top rope, and hits some… move that drives Dean through the table in the middle of the ring. I’m sure someone will point out the name of the move to me, was probably something he used a lot in ROH or something lol.

POP-UP POWERBOMB~!

Big table spot followed right up with the powerbomb and of course this match isn’t over yet. We’ve still got those two stacked tables, remember?

Ok, here we go, Owens on the top rope to come crashing down on Ambrose who is laid across a bunch of chairs and… gets pushed off through both tables. What a surprise.

Ambrose wins.

Ok, so yeah, I didn’t really care for this match, but at the same time, it wasn’t THAT awful. Just wasn’t good. Harmless. Its there, it happened. And that’s that. I’ll never watch it again.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

A New Day Vs The Usos – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Fuck off. New Day win.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Alberto Del Rio Vs Kalisto – WWE United States Championship Match

Alrighty, hope this lives up to expectations!!!

Feels weird having actual expectations for a Del Rio match lol. If he isn’t wrestling Christian, I’m usually not caring.

Bloody hell, WWE advertising a streaming service that ISN’T the WWE Network?

This is very much just like their SD bout, in terms of structure anyway. Kalisto uses his quickness and high flying offence to try and gain some momentum, while Del Rio uses his size to keep Kalisto grounded and gives the little Mexican a good beating .

Just a shame the fans don’t really give a shit. And you can’t blame them. Del Rio is dull as shit, and Kalisto hasn’t really been given much of a chance to get over with anything beyond crazy spots in matches. Then when he had his big moment of winning the US title, he lost it the next night at the SD taping .

Nice recovery from a botched spot there.

Kalisto moves out of the way of that foot stomp in the corner, hits his finisher that I won’t even attempt to type out because it’ll make me look like a moron who can’t spell, and Kalisto looks to have the title won!!! 1…2… Del Rio grabs the bottom rope!

Del Rio is getting frustrated, and it might end up costing him the match. He exposes one of the turnbuckles, but it backfires and Kalisto is our NEW US champion!!! Well, props to WWE for putting the title back on Kalisto. I didn’t think they would. Now they just have to like, you know… do something with him.

Fun match for sure. Don’t think I quite liked it as much as their SD match, but I’m happy with it .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Renee Young with the kick-off show panel, and she tells us that HENRY AND SWAGGER won the 4 way tag match earlier in the night to gain entry into the RR .

 

Heyman backstage with Stephanie. Usual stuff. Steph hates Paul. Paul builds up Brock.

 

Oooo a new show with Edge & Christian? Looks cheesy as fuck, but dammit, I’ll give it a watch. Man, gotta wait while Feb 21st?

 

Charlotte Vs Becky Lynch – WWE Divas Championship Match

I’ll pass.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

WWE World Heavyweight Championship 30 Man Royal Rumble Match

Here. We. Go.

#1 is of course Roman Reigns. So we basically know he’s going to be here till the end before getting screwed, which will no doubt get a huge pop from the crowd . ROMAN IS A BABYFACE, HONEST!!!

WHO DREW NUMBER TWO?

Rusev! I wonder if we’ll have a time period with Roman throwing people out before the next entrant comes out. Which would suck for Rusev who SHOULD be booked somewhat strong, but hey, this is WWE. Booking logic does not apply.

The “by the numbers” video was fucking terrible this year btw. Shitty voice over and just poorly done. Used to be so much better. Hell, my parody is so much better, because I parodied the version that was good . Here it is, btw http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x23wmj … umbers_fun . My favourite video I’ve ever made!

Oh look, Rusev is eliminated already. Yep, looks like Roman will be going through a few guys first. Entrant number 3 is… AJ STYLES!?!?

If AJ gets thrown out early on here, I sense the crowd are gonna die again like last year with Bryan . Ideally he’d be one of the “iron men” in this match, lasting until near the end, but… I have zero faith in WWE booking this guy correctly, and I have even less faith in them booking this match correctly.

PELE KICK~!

STYLES CLA… Nah, Samoan Drop.

Well, AJ has lasted until the next entry at least. And number 4 is Tyler “Vince hates me because I left SD early” Breeze.

Breeze is gone. Yup, Vince hates him. LOL.

Social Jobbers! Ooops, best not say that, don’t wanna get heat!

Curtis Axel is the man entering the match. THE CHAINS ARE OFF .

Fuck me, Axel levels AJ with a knee RIGHT TO THE FACE. And it looked fucking brutal.

Axel with a tribute to his dad, taking that leg bump, before being eliminated. Well, looks like AJ might indeed remain in this for a while along with Roman. Guess WWE realised that the crowd would need SOMEONE to cheer for while Roman was in there .

Yawn, Jericho. Why won’t this guy fucking retire already? He has done NOTHING worth a damn for like 5 fucking years. Maybe more.

Hey guys, AJ Styles is in a WWE ROYAL RUMBLE MATCH. I’m not marking out or anything, but it IS a pretty surreal moment for sure.

*sigh* here comes Kane. Has Kane been around on TV lately? I… honestly don’t remember the last time I saw him lol. Probs the tag match with Taker at SVS against the Wyatt Family. He’s probably been on every fucking show but the fact I watch Raw in under 10 minutes means I miss… almost everything anyway lol.

AJ, meet Kane. He’s one half of Abyss .

GOLDUST~!

Here comes The Ryback. Watch out, AJ, or Ryback will injure you .

AJ almost got Roman out of the ring, but the commentators are more concerned with Ryback almost going out . BERRYING STYLES ALREADY .

Kofi fucking Kingston. Urgh. I hope as a nice surprise this year, he just gets eliminated normally and no saving himself shit.

Well, I’m having FUN here. They really haven’t made this thing about Roman like I thought they would. While technically they should have because this match IS about him, its just so nice to not hear about him having to overcome the odds every 5 seconds. I approve.

TITUS OH WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB~! Not that he’s terrible or anything, in fact he’s pretty entertaining, but he’s like, the tallest jobber going lol.

Bah, Goldust is gone .

R-Truth? Speaking of guys who still have a job but fuck knows why…

He’s bringing in a ladder. He thinks this is MITB, doesn’t he?

Kane throws him out. I approve of Truth’s involvement in this match .

Dammit Seabs. You called this, didn’t you? New Day on the outside following Kofi around and preventing him from being eliminated. But for some reason they are taking their time putting Kofi BACK in the ring. Giving him a rest?

LUKE HARPER~! Would have been better if he took out A New Day on the floor and eliminated Kofi.

Sheamus, Del Rio and Rusev show up and drag Reigns under the ropes and beat the piss out of him. So Roman will get to lay about on the floor for 20 minutes no doubt.

Stardust in his 8th RR match? EIGHT? Man, hard to believe some of these guys have been around for so long now.

Rusev puts Roman through a table. Yep, Roman gonna nap for a while. And let me guess, instead of throwing Roman back into the ring so like, someone could easily toss him over the ropes and eliminate him… they will just leave him there. Because STUFF.

Big Show NOT number 30? What? How dare they!!!

The man that gravity forget, and the man that the fans didn’t give a shit about.

Kofi got eliminated at some point btw, they just got around to showing us a replay .

Braun Strowman at number 17!!! He POWERS Kane right out of the ring like he was nothing!

Big Show and Strowman face off . Gets more of a reaction than Orton and Cena that one year .

Strowman locks in that submission to Big Show and eliminates the giant!!!

Roman has fucked off to the back for a rest rather than laying on the floor .

Kevin Owens drags himself out to enter the match. He is immediately met by AJ and the crowd go nuts.

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT . They keep teasing the bloody Styles Clash but every time he tries, someone breaks it up. And then Owens eliminated him!!! AJ is done at around 28 minutes. He had a good showing, I’m fine with how they handled him here tbh. Fans are still loving him.

And thankfully, the fans haven’t shat on everything because he got eliminated.

Ambrose out next and you gotta believe him and Owens are gonna resume their battle!

SAMI FUCKING ZAYN . And he’s another guy who wants a piece of Owens!!! Zayn eliminates Owens!!! Zayn eliminates Owens!!! OLE!!!

Fans have already forgotten about AJ because SAMI FUCKING ZAYN is here .

Eric Rowan enters next, and now we have THREE of the four Wyatt Family members in this match at once! Rowan launches Neville over the ropes but doesn’t eliminate him, so Harper runs in with a clothesline and finishes the job. The Wyatt Family gonna destroy everyone .

Anyone wanna guess that LESNAR is next?

Well, I was wrong, but we do have THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN MARK HENRY .

If this was during his Hall of Pain run, Henry would fucking CRUSH these 3 hillbillies.

But as such, he gets thrown out pretty quickly .

Dammit, Sami Zayn is thrown out too . Come on Wyatts, get rid of that hack Jericho already, would you?

LESNAR!!! I was just one number off lol. Time for LESNAR to fucking CRUSH EVERYONE .

Bye bye Rowan!!! THE BEAST is reigning supreme!!!

Lesnar and Strowman going at it . Lesnar killing him .

SWAGGER~! Swagger Vs Lesnar!!! Swagger runs right into an F-5 . And that’s it for the Real American .

Fuck me, Lesnar is just… in fucking human. He suplexed Harper half way across the ring like he was a cruiserweight.

Miz . Time for someone to match Santino’s record? Not sure it’s possible to beat 1 second, but tie it? Sure!

Miz decides to join commentary instead.

SUPLEX CITY~!

Harper is eliminated by Lesnar, leaving just Strowman to represent the Wyatt Family for now.

Here comes the FORMER US champion, Alberto Del Rio. And he runs right into Lesnar. Smart move, dumbass.

And there. Goes. Strowman! Brock Lesnar is KING.

Seriously though, why the fuck is Jericho still there? Come on Brock, kill him already.

Bray comes out at #27, and he’s all alone now. And Brock is waiting for him!!!

The Wyatt Family though are still out here, and they jump Brock!!! Will a 4 on 1 assault be what’s needed to eliminate THE BEAST from this match? Brock fights back and takes out the Wyatts AGAIN!!! Nice try, Bray.

Bray Wyatt, welcome to SUPLEX CITY, BITCH!!!

Here come the Wyatt Family AGAIN, and this time they dump BROCK LESNAR over the ropes!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . Oh god if this means Bray wins…

Come on Brock. UNLEASH THE BEAST and murder everyone.

Dolph Ziggler at number 28. Miz finally runs into the match and tries to eliminate Dolph from behind. Fails, but still lands the Skull Crushing Finale . Oh god if Miz elminates Dolph .

Dammit, Jericho ruined it. Like he ruins everything by being awful.

#29 about to reveal himself and it’s… SHEAMUS. But from behind comes ROMAN REIGNS~! And the fans shit all over him .

Miz gone. Del Rio gone. So its not all bad .

Here comes #30. Who is it? Who is it?

Oh ffs, its Triple H. If he wins I’ll scream. Loud.

I suppose now I’m rooting for… ummm… I guess Bray . Things are so bad I am now rooting for a guy I didn’t want to win . Well done, WWE. Well done.

Dolph gets BERRIED.

Dolph gets eliminated.

Bray and HHH staredown . KILL HIM, BRAY. KILL HIM!!!

YES! BRAY ATTACKS THE GAME!!!

Bray gets kicked in the face by Sheamus, and he and HHH eliminate him. Oh god HHH really IS winning, isn’t he? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

WHY IS JERICHO STILL HERE??? Does he have it in his contract that he has to last 50+ minutes in every RR or something? Fuck me, finally, just as I write that, Ambrose throws him out .

Roman Reigns, Sheamus, Dean Ambrose and Triple H are our final four this year. I don’t want any of them to be champion. But one will be. Because this is WWE. And they don’t like giving fans what we want. EVER.

Sheamus is gone.

TRIPLE H ELIMINATES ROMAN REIGNS~!

Triple H and Dean Ambrose are the final 2 men, and one of these two will be the NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!!

I guess I’m now rooting for Dean lol. He isn’t ideal, but at least he isn’t HHH.

Out goes Dean, and HHH is now a 14 time champion. Triple H, in 2016, is our champion.

Well, winner aside, this was one hell of a rumble match tbh. I had a TON of fun, and that’s all I asked for. Sure, the booking could have been better, but all in all I liked this and I’ll definitely not have a problem re-watching it at any time.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4.5

 

SummerSlam 2009

 

Urgh, DX trying to be funny during the opening video package.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Dolph Ziggler – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

at the bump Ziggler takes on the floor from a hurricanrana . He bounces into the barricade, then bounces off that right into a camera man .

Well, another turnbuckle powerbomb to transition into a Ziggler control segment, but this time it very nearly does result in an injury when Ziggler nearly botches catching Rey.

HAND STAND HEACKLOCK~!

Ziggler’s biggest achievement so far according to the commentators is beating Khali 3 times in a row . I don’t think any of them were pinfall victories either .

Welp, Rey died. He got his head removed from a wicked clothesline!

Ziggler is again focusing on the head and neck of Rey… but randomly hits a gut buster, similar to their previous match, just not from the top rope. And not done as a desperation counter. Just done randomly despite the fact he’s trying to work over the head and neck of Mysterio.

Another dropkick to counter a dive from Rey, landing right in the gut. Huh, this match is playing out almost identical to their NOC match lol, just with a couple of spots done in a different order .

Things begin to really pick up as they go into a finishing stretch, which at this point Dolph is actually GOOD at doing, as he doesn’t overdo it with finishers and shit.

Dolph goes for the Super Gut Buster, but this time Rey sees it coming, counters into a hurricanrana and gets the pin!

Better than their NOC match for sure. Didn’t go as long, which seemed to stop it becoming dull. Plus the finishing stretch was better as well.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Swagger and MVP being interviewed about their match tonight. Are… are they friends? Or just no heat for this match lol?

 

Jack Swagger Vs MVP

So did this match really need to be on PPV? Did this match really need to go longer than a minute? A certain other match on this show could have been a fucking classic and it gets no time at all… but Swagger Vs MVP happens for no real reason and gets a bunch of time and it’s boring as FUCK.

MVP wins. Urgh, the turd on top of a shitty cake.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Oh look random celebs.

 

Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Cryme Tyme – Unified Tag Team Championship Match

Sit through a Cryme Tyme match? No. No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

CM Punk with… with a screenplay of The Jeff Hardy Story. Oooook. LOL.

 

Kane Vs The Great Khali

Hahahahahahahaha.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase

Plenty of people really like the tag matches from these teams in 09, so maybe I’ll be surprised and like em this time around.

Cole says HHH has a ton of good SS memories, including winning the world title/wwe title one year. Is my brain fully melted or did that not actually ever happen?

Cody gets caught in the DX corner, so he slaps the taste out of HBK’s mouth and demands HHH tag him in. Perhaps the purpose of that is because HBK hasn’t been wrestling since WM, and Cody thinks he’ll have more chance to gain the advantage over a ring rusted Shawn? Seems like a solid idea in the kayfabe world of rasslin!

Cody does a decent job against HBK… at first, but HBK teases a couple of SUPERKICKS and Cody runs away like a little bitch, if you wheeeeeeel.

Despite breaking the momentum of Legacy with those superkick scares, it’s not enough to let Shawn get back into the match, and it isn’t long before Legacy are working him over and making quick tags and in general showing that they are a pretty solid team.

Hot tag to HHH, he takes control for a moment and then HHH is FIP lol.

And as the match goes on, the problems I had with these matches back in 09 is becoming clear once again. Cody and Teddy work together great as a team, isolating one guy, working him over and making plenty of quick tags to stay fresh. It’s good solid tag wrestling 101… he problem is, they don’t do anything INTERESTING OR EXCITING with their work overs. It’s all stomps and rest holds.

Most exciting thing that happens from Teddy and Cody, is Teddy running in and blasting HBK from behind with a vicious clothesline when he tries to kip up .

Rhodes gets cocky and goes for a HBK elbow off the ropes and misses. HBK tries for one and Cody gets his knees up.

Ted keeps running into the ring and stopping any potential pins or submissions, and HHH gets pissed and runs in too. They go back and forth, we see HBK getting a Cross Rhodes, Cody getting a Pedigree, then HBK getting Dream Street! HHH and Teddy battle on the outside while both legal men are down and out inside the ring!

Both men finally make it up, with help from each other, and Cody gets BLASTED with a superkick and this one is over. DX win.

Like I said, there isn’t anything bad about this. Fundamentally it’s a solid tag match… but they just don’t make it interesting until the finishing stretch.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Christian Vs William Regal – ECW Championship Match

I hate you, WWE. I fucking HATE YOU WITH A PASSION.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match

I still hate you, WWE. I still fucking HATE YOU WITH A PASSION.

Is there any combination of main eventers who were as dull as these two together that just kept on having match after match after match against each other? Flair and Steamboat wrestled each other on and off for over a fucking decade and I don’t think they have a bad match together. These two have No Way Out 08 and that’s it.

They do some awkward brawling to start off and it looks terrible. Cole calls Cena GRITTY .

Orton looks shocked as fuck that Cena kicked out of… a knee drop .

SLEEPER HOLD~!

MASTURBATION FIST~!

POWER SCOOP~!

PUTTING THINGS IN CAPS AND ADDING ~! TO THE END IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE THIS SEEM EXCITING~!

Orton sets Cena up for that DDT in the ropes, and Cole is making a huge deal about Orton TAKING THE REFEREE TO THE LIMIT by waiting for the entire 5 count before hitting it. WHY DOES THAT MATTER AT ALL?

What the fuck is Cena doing? He’s jumping up and down like Earthquake would do before his splash finisher, while holding his hands up and doing his hand pose thing, waiting for Orton to get up so he can hit the AA . And here I thought Orton spazzing about in the mat for the RKO was retarded .

Cena builds momentum, so Orton shoves the referee and runs out for his title to leave! The referee DQ’s him of course, and Orton retains the title.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Vince gets word to Lillian that the match will restart, and if Orton gets DQ’d again he will lose the title. Proof that Vince McMahon doesn’t know what the fans want. LET THIS MATCH END FFS.

Orton however does know what he want, as he grabs his title again and walks out and loses again, this time via countout! Yey! THE MATCH IS FINALLY OVER!!!

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!!!

Vince again restarts the match and if Orton gets counted out again he will lose the title. LET IT GO, VINCE.

Orton pins Cena!!! He has his feet on the ropes and the referee doesn’t see it!

OH FFS NO. Another referee shows up to explain what happens. THIS MATCH IS RESTARTED AGAIN. MOTHERFUCKERS.

STFU in the middle of the ring and a “fan” runs in and attacks the referee lol. Was very well executed as people genuinely DID think it was a fan, but it was really Brett DiBiase, the brother of Teddy. We see him on Raw the next night I think and then… NEVER AGAIN .

Well that gave Orton the chance to rest up, and once the match gets going again… RKO~! Orton wins.

This is awful. Nothing good about it at all, and all the finishes and restarts makes me wanna kill someone. 3 more matches to watch this year. One is the Iron Man. Shoot me now.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Jeff Hardy Vs CM Punk – World Heavyweight Championship TLC Match

This match starts with a tie up.

A tie up.

In a TLC match.

Thankfully the first chance he gets, Punk beats the fuck out of Jeff with a chair and immediately tries to climb a ladder .

And well, from here on out it’s SPOTZ~!

That isn’t to say they are all bad. Some of the spots are cool looking, and at least Punk seems to be focusing his offence on Hardy’s back, ever since the first chair shot. Loved Punk catching Jeff doing Poetry in Motion (replacing Matt with a chair…), and slamming him down back first on the chair. If Punk can at least keep his shit on point, I might get some enjoyment out of this .

Jeff looking like an idiot when he misses a splash off the top rope through a table on the floor. If Punk was out enough to lay still on a table then… then SHOULDN’T YOU TRY TO CLIMB THE LADDER AND WIN INSTEAD? Punk goes for a ladder the moment he gets off the table and Jeff nearly dies. Thank fuck he knows what he’s doing in this match…

OUCH. Hardy takes a nasty looking bump off the ladder into the ropes and turnbuckle.

SUPERPLEX ONTO THE LADDER~! Well, Punk has gone stupid too, because he also landed on the ladder with that move…

Ok, so after being driven off the ropes onto a ladder BACK FIRST… Jeff’s first chance at any offence sees him go for a fucking SWANTON BOMB. Where he lands BACK FIRST on his opponent. Punk getting his knees up just further adds to the karma that Jeff so needed to be hit with lol.

Well of that punishment to the back doesn’t seem to be effecting Jeff, as he somehow manages to put Punk through a table and almost climb the ladder… HE SHOULD BE FUCKING CRIPPLED.

Fuck me. Jeff continues to be fine and absolutely mauls Punk with a monitor and steel chair. So what does he do? CLIMB A LADDER!!! Yey, right? No. The ladder is on the outside, where he hits a Swanton Bomb off the top, right onto Punk on the announce table. Because he’s fucking retarded. Impressive looking spot? Of course. But that’s about it.

They tease Jeff being carried away on a stretcher, while Punk tries to climb the ladder. Jeff tries to stop him and fails. New champ. Shit match.

THEN THE UNDERTAKER SHOWS UP AFTER THE MATCH IN AWESOME FASHION AND I TOTALLY LIKE FUCK .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2