The BIGGEST WrestleMania ever. In terms of attendance. Everything else? Perhaps the WORST WrestleMania ever for the card, booking and buildup. I have never, in all my time as a wrestling fan, been this uninterested in a WrestleMania. Congrats, WWE…
Kalista Vs Ryback – WWE United States Championship Match
Nothing like putting the US title match on before 90% of the fans have even made it into the arena .
This looks like a TNA live event .
Hardly any fans in attendance yet, and we still yet a loud Goldberg chant for Ryback .
Seriously, this feud is about Ryback thinking he’s better cos he’s big and Kalisto is small? What year are we in again?
they end up on the outside and it looks like there is only ONE person on the front row right now . Seriously, why put on a match BEFORE people are even there?
The sad thing is, this is actually quite fu… WHAT THE FUCK? A BREAK IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MATCH? TO ADVERTISE WM? DURING WM? WHAT?
Guessing the pre-show was on things like YouTube as well or something? So they are still trying to get people ot order the Network for WM? Still… come on. FFS. Do it AFTER THE MATCH.
Anyway, before I was VERY rudely interrupted… this is a fun match. Sure, its a match built on an angle you’d expect in the fucking 80’s, but Ryback is throwing Kalisto around like crazy and showing off his power and whatnot, and it all looks really good, meanwhile Kalisto is doing a good job as the FIP. Might have worked better if, you know, THE CROWD WAS ACTUALLY THERE.
So, Kalisto. Is he always this good? I rarely watch his matches, but the last few I have seen, he does make me think he’s the newer Rey Mysterio in terms of being small, taking great looking bumps, and having some super fun and unique comeback spots.
Nice finish that shows off the POWER of Ryback as he drags Kalisto away from the ropes, and rips off the turnbuckle pad at the same time due to Kalisto trying to hold onto it. Then it shows off how Kalisto can counter anything at any time and defeat even THE BIG GUY.
Good opener! I’m just worried the show is going to be downhill from here…
CAL SCALE – 2
Total Divas Vs Team B.A.D. & Blonde
CAL SCALE – -1
LITA~! She’s been on the pre-show panel, and now she’s in the ring cutting a promo with a belt hidden under a red cloth. The new Women’s Title Belt? Yep. It is literally just the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt, but smaller and with a white back. Lita claims the winner will be the FIRST WWE Women’s Champion. Did… did they forget they had one before? Anyway, nice to see the WOMEN’S title back to replace the DIVA’S title. Always disliked the DIVA part of it, made them seem more like bitchy girls than female athletes. Then again they WERE typically booked to be bitchy girls…
The Usos Vs The Dudley Boys
We basically had a full crowd for the 10 diva tag and now this, meanwhile the US title match was done in front of like 10 people. A LOT of people missed out on what is likely gonna end up as one of the best matches of the night.
Now then… do I watch this? I always liked the Dudley Boys, and its nice to see them back at WM. But… the Usos. Probably my least favourite tag team of the decade so far.
Bah, fuck it. Not watching. Skipped to the end. Usos won. Put the Dudley Boys through tables. Yawn.
CAL SCALE – -1
And so ends the Pre-Show. I thought the Andre Memorial Battle Royal was gonna take place here too? Oh well. That’s all for me tonight. I didn’t watch this live, I downloaded it. And now I’m off to bed and will download WM when I get up.
Kevin Owens Vs Sami Zayn Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs The Miz Vs Zack Ryder Vs Sin Cara Vs Stardust – WWE Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match
Oh look, its the first major problem on the main show. Why. WHY. WHY THE FUCK could they not give us a single, one on one match between Owens and Zayn? They have the history. All they had to do was fucking TRY. Instead, they thought “fuck it” and threw in a bunch of useless fucking jobber nobodies and gave them a ladder. They literally booked this match to be nothing more than a pointless clusterfuck spotfest. Meanwhile the US title, where the champ is a fucking LUCHA guy… gets a random as fuck singles match?
First match of the main show, and the first match I’m watching since I woke up as the pre-show was online before I went to bed, and I’m already FUCKED OFF with this fucking show.
Fucking hell, how many different announce teams have they got this year? And all of them sound way better and more exciting than the English team .
CUNTS. Motherfucking CUNTS. Everyone but Owens runs out of the ring for a ladder, and Owens stays in the ring to stop them getting back in… except for Zayn. And they have a little staredown and punch exchange. Nothing like teasing what we SHOULD HAVE FUCKING GOTTEN IN A SINGLES MATCH. Instead of this spotfest shite.
Ok, that’s not fair. This is only a minute in. I don’t know it its shite yet. It could be good… .
Strange feelings for this. One the one hand, Zayn winning the belt here at WM would be an awesome moment and very well deserved. On the other hand, a big built up singles feud between him and Owens leading to a Zayn victory in a match would also be awesome. WHICH DO I WANT? Guess I’ll go with a WM win because I don’t have the faith in WWE to book them in a big singles feud…
FUCKING SAMI . Dive through the ropes onto everyone but Owens, then he runs around the ring, through the turnbuckle and lands the DDT . And I liked how his dive through the ropes (and a ladder) was somewhat logical. The ladder was near the ropes, and every time he tried to move it, Miz kept grabbing it. And with 5 other guys all down there, Zayn needed to make sure everyone was taken out BEFORE he could move the ladder and have a chance at using it. Its about as much logic as I expect from this match.
Oh ffs Dolph. YOU ARE NOT HBK. As many flaws as HBK had, he was actually fucking GOOD most of the time. You sir, are a fecking idiot who forgot how to have a match years ago.
Stardust has his own ladder because… painting it helps?
Nope. Painting it does not help.
FUCK YO LADDER. Owens doesn’t want that shite.
Zayn and Owens going at it again . Also . WHY WASN’T THIS A SINGLES MATCH?
FUCK YO MIZ. Owens doesn’t want that shite either. Pop Up Powerbomb for him.
Oh hey, Ryder is in this match. Forgot he existed.
FUCK ME THIS SHOW IS FIVE HOURS LONG? AND WE’VE ALREADY HAD A 2 HOUR PRE-SHOW?
Urgh, lame set up for the whole “ladder break” spot that we seem to get in EVERY FUCKING LADDER MATCH these days. It stopped being special or impressive when you kept using it every chance you had.
Zayn and Owens battling on the ladder . Just stop already. Every time they have an interaction I get sad at what we didn’t get. HERE’S WHAT YOU COULD’A WON!
HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCK AT THAT FUCKING HALF NELSON SUPLEX TO FUCKING OWENS ON THE BLOODY LADDER BY ZAYN. Match gets ***** for that alone.
Zayn was about to win and Jiz ruined the moment. Like he ruined everything by breathing.
Zack Ryder wins?
Minus Five Stars.
Someone check on Vince. I think he legitimately has brain damage. Actual brain damage. I’m not making some weird joke. He needs help. He is mentally ill at the very least. As is the entire fucking company apparently.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
AJ Styles Vs Chris Jericho
So this feud was built up based on chants. And it gets a singles match at WM. After they already had multiple matches. Meanwhile Owens and Zayn are forced to compete in a multiman clusterfuck ladder match where Zack “he’s still employed?” Ryder WINS.
Both men do moves. That is about the only way to really describe the match. They go back and forth doing moves. No reason. No nothing. Just moves. Because its WM and apparently doing moves is all that matters now.
AJ’s hair looks stupid.
Oh. A finisher kickout. Jericho is the only person on the planet who is surprised…
Styles Clash happens. And once again, Jericho kicks out of it. What’s the point of keeping Styles from using the move and having someone kick out of it any time he actually uses it?
I look forward to all the ****+ ratings from everyone else.
Personally I found this boring and pointless.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
The New Day Vs League of Nations
Are… are The New Day dressed as Saiyans? I thought the Ginyu force would have been a better option personally…
Woods is Vegeta. Big E is Nappa… and I guess that makes Kofi Raditz? You know, Raditz, the weakling of the bunch, so weak they could GROW SAIBERMEN AS STRONG AS HIM .
Cole acting like he knows who Vegeta is and what DBZ is was hilarious. He clearly has no fucking idea what any of those words mean.
Did JBL just compare LON to THE FOUR HORSEMEN?
Is Barrett in this match? Cos he just seems to be standing on the floor. Best place for him, mind you, but still, I did think this was a 4 on 3 match.
LON win. Had some fun parts to it, but boy it was just another pointless match. This is fucking WRESTLEMANIA and this match didn’t mean a damn thing.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Barrett is cutting a promo. Wonder who will show up to shut him up.
Hai HBK . Damn, Shawn got GUNS.
MICK FOLEY~! Foley lost a lot of weight too .
So, third man is… Austin! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!
Right, the LON win their match, beating the tag team champs in a 3 on 3 match and… their reward is to get beaten up by 3 retired legends?
At least Rusev just became the GOAT Stunner Bumper.
Now for some dancing! I think Austin might need some beer before he dances… STUNNER~!
Fuck everyone, apparently .
Brock Lesnar Vs Dean Ambrose – Street Fight
Ok, here we go. Something I can sorta look forward to. This is either gonna be one hell of a fucking WAR, or a disappointing WWE style brawl. No middle, imo.
I just have to put my faith in BROCK LESNAR.
Please, Dean Ambrose, don’t bring out your little red wagon with you.
Thank fuck for that, he didn’t . Match is starting off with potential .
Oh crap, Lesnar has a Kendo Stick. And he breaks it in fucking half. Like he needs a fucking stick. YOU DON’T BRING A STICK TO A SUPLEX FIGHT.
at Dean giving a double thumbs up to the ref after landing on his head .
Paul’s evil laugh .
SLAP TO LESNAR~!
AMBROSE ON THE ATTA… SUPLEX CITY~!
Dean kept going for that stick, so Lesnar lets him have it… almost.
Now, if Dean was The Undertaker, what would he do in this situation?
The chainsaw won’t start up because DUH and Ambrose gets launched with another suplex, only this time its one of my fav suplexes, the Overhead Belly to Belly
Ambrose again tries to fight back with a weapon but Lesnar the BEAST runs up the ropes basically and launches Dean from the top with another overhead belly to belly!!!
AMBROSE JIZZES IN LESNAR’S FACE~!
STEEL CHAIR ATTACK~!
Dean fills the ring with chairs, Lesnar grabs him and hits a German Suplex… and throws Ambrose over all the chairs and lands on them himself .
F-5 COUNTERED INTO A DDT ON THE CHAIRS~!
Paul Heyman was moments away from breaking up the count lol! But the BEAST can kick out of fucking anything!
Dean is… making out with Barbie?
SUPLEX CITY ONTO THE CHAIRS~!
F-5 ON THE CHAIRS~!
Well. I was wrong. There was a middle ground for this match. Was in between a fun crazy brawl and a typical WWE brawl. Wasn’t great, wasn’t shit. Disappointing in ways for sure. But definitely a boat load of fun in others.
CAL SCALE – 2
There are still THREE HOURS left. Do we even have enough matches for that? Is Rock gonna cut a fucking one hour promo? Urgh I hope not.
Snickers ad with Flair. And Ryder. And Ziggler. And Charlotte. What?
Charlotte Vs Becky Lynch Vs Sasha Banks – WWE Women’s Championship Match
The butterfly belt is going, and getting replaced with the WOMEN’S championship after this match.
LITA and LILLIAN looking better than the 3 competitors in this match .
Well, I honestly don’t give a fuck about this match, but ok, I’ll watch it. Its WM, and I did watch the women’s match at NXT Takeover: Dallas so I guess I’ll give this one a go too.
Sasha with some EDDIE GUERRERO type offense!
Becky misses a sunset flip when she launched herself too far lol. If that happened in NXT we’d have a shitty “botchamania” chant going by now.
Very, very nice underhook reverse DDT by Becky. Don’t think I’ve ever seen that done before.
Fuck me, Sasha with a brutal looking bump over the ropes right to the floor!
FROG SPLASH~! More Eddie offence from Sasha!
Crazy to think that just a couple of years ago, we wouldn’t see 90% of these moves being performed by the females in WWE.
RIC FLAIR GETS TAKEN OUT WITH A DIVE~!
Wonder if he’ll blade .
MOONSAULT OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO BOTH OPPONENTS ON THE FLOOR~!
This is definitely your typical wwe style triple threat match, but I dunno, seeing the women pulling it off THIS GOOD leaves me more impressed with the match than “oh joy moves” like I would be if this was 3 guys doing it. I guess I really am just not used to this from the women’s division since I rarely watch a women’s match.
FLAIR PREVENTS SASHA FROM BREAKING IT UP~!
Well, I didn’t see that coming tbh! I was expecting a new champion!
Well, I guess we do kinda have a new champion, as Charlotte is now the NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!
Colour me impressed. Very impressed. This match got plenty of time, felt big, and everyone looked tremendous in it. Perhaps I need to watch some more of this WOMEN’S revolution!
CAL SCALE – 3
Shane McMahon Vs The Undertaker – Hell in a Cell Match
this isn’t main eventing?
Ok, what is left for this show? This HIAC match. WWE WHC match. Andre Battle Royal. And the video file is showing as having 2 hours and 22 minutes left? Maybe there is like an… aftershow panel thingy on the end of this? Because I can’t see the show going on for that long unless I’m forgetting like 2 or 3 other matches .
So, Shane needs to win to gain control of the company, which the FANS want to see. Undertaker is still a massive babyface. And if he wins… Shane is done. Which the fans don’t want to see. But if Undertaker loses, Shane gains control and Undertaker never wrestles at WM. The fans want to see Shane gain control but don’t want Undertaker to never wrestle at WM again. WHO BOOKED THIS SHIT?
Oh yeah and this show is taking place in TEXAS. You know, that place where THE UNDERTAKER IS FROM. How on earth and they supposed to be upset if Undertaker wins? Or truly happy if SHANE beats him?
Anyway, enough of that. I need to stop thinking about all of that. This is the motherfucking UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA IN DALLAS TEXAS IN A HELL IN A CELL MATCH AGAINST SHANE O’MAC. This HAS to be insanely entertaining, right? Damn right.
Undertaker doesn’t get anything majorly special for his entrance again this year, but come on, EVERY Undertaker entrance is the greatest entrance ever. His normal entrance eclipses everything else anyone might do.
I like how they are hyping the fact that the longer this goes, the more is favours Shane because Undertaker will be knackered quicker. But Shane is the one dancing around and running around and throwing tons of strikes that aren’t connecting… and he’s old as fuck too . He’ll probably run out of steam before Undertaker .
Well, anyway, this is fun so far . Shane is trying it hit and move, and Undertaker keeps catching him with a couple of shots than just floor O’Mac.
ARPON LEG DROP~!
Shane actually kicked out?
A non wrestler just kicked out of one of THE UNDERTAKER’S FINISHING MOVES .
Shane taking a page out of Undertaker’s book with the MMA submission! Triangle Choke!!!
Undertaker is drooling .
CHOKESLAM ON THE STEEL STEPS~!
And Shane is gonna kick out again isn’t he?
Come on. Seriously?
Getting hard to tell now if Undertaker is actually knackered or if he’s selling the effects of the match .
I wonder how Shane will escape this…
Well, nice counter, he managed to slip his head right out of the hold and counters with a Sharpshooter!!! Better be careful, ‘Taker, you’ll get screwed!
Undertaker POWERS out of it because he’s the fucking DEAD MAN.
Oooo Undertaker is in the corner… are we gonna see it? Is Shane gonna hit it? We all know its coming… come on Shane… we wanna see it!!!
Out comes the trash can! Its gonna happen .
And here we go…
COAST TO COAST~!
Ok, trash can doesn’t even remotely connect with Taker, but screw it, COAST TO COAST~!
BOLT CUTTERS~! Shane gonna escape the cell!!! Looks like we might get that big HIAC bump that we’ve all be craving for for years! I mean… not that we desire to see someone take a stupidly dangerous bump or anything .
OUCH. Undertaker drives Shane through the cell and the back of Shane’s head smacks on the CORNER of the announce table. That had to fucking take it out of Shane.
Undertaker rag-dolling Shane like a lunatic .
2 announce tables have been cleared. Shane and Undertaker are standing on a… random platform… big spot coming…
SLEEPER~! OMG!!! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHI… oh wait that wasn’t the big spot. Silly me .
I’m guessing… yup! Undertaker breaks the hold by smashing the two of them through a table!!!
TOOLBOX TO THE SKULL OF THE DEADMAN~! I wonder if they’ll get fined for that?
ANOTHER SHOT TO THE SKULL~!
Undertaker is laid out on the announce table… and Shane looks to the top of the cell…
IS IT… IS THIS REALLY GONNA HAPPEN? ARE WE GONNA SEE, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 16(?) YEARS… SOMEONE FLY OFF THE TOP OF THE CELL?!?!
And remember, this HIAC is HIGHER than the ones we used to see back then!!!
Even the fans are chanting PLEASE DON’T JUMP lol. This is INSANE.
FUCK ME HE DID IT. SHANE DOVE OFF THE TOP OF THE FUCKING GIANT HELL IN A CELL AND CRASHED THROUGH A FUCKING TABLE WHEN UNDERTAKER MOVED. SHANE IS A FUCKING MANIAC. HOLY FUCK.
Shane is BEGGING FOR MORE.
So Undertaker carries him back to the ring to finish him off.
Shane is getting back up. The fuck is wrong with him?
Undertaker showing respect for Shane, then smashes him head first into the mat with a TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER~!
The Undertaker wins one hell of a fucking battle.
This was batshit crazy. Insane. Entertaining. Weird. Fun.
Of course the outcome is another BRAIN. DAMAGED. Decision from WWE given the stipulations, but at the same time Undertaker losing would have been the exact same so… WWE BRAIN DAMAGED themselves into a corner.
I basically got what I wanted out of this. An insane and MEMORABLE match. I probably enjoyed it more than some, yet somehow less than others .
CAL SCALE – 3
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
I hope HENRY wins this as a retirement gift from the company, assuming he IS retiring after this show like he’s been saying for a while now.
HOLY SHIT DDP!!! DDP IS IN THIS MATCH!!!
Goldust’s reaction to him .
Oh hey Tatanka is there too.
Shaq and Show double chokeslam Kane .
The two giants clear the ring.
Show eliminates Fandago. Shaq eliminates Sandow. They have a staredown while everyone else stays on the floor and watches them .
Everyone else piles in and eliminates them both .
even the commentators didn’t know Tatanka was in the match .
Hmm… Henry was knocked out by Show early in the match and seems to be staying in the floor… methinks him winning could be a very good prediction from me .
Bunch of people get eliminated and HERE COMES HENRY~! He’s back and Heath Slater gets thrown out like a child.
There goes Breeze too.
KANE AND HENRY GOING AT IT .
Huh, Henry is eliminated by Kane and Darren Young. Well, there goes my prediction.
Borin Corbin wins?
CAL SCALE – 0.5
THUNDERSTRUCK playing while some cheerleaders dance. And they follow it up with… The Rock. Pfft.
Wait, he’s leaving .
Ah crap he came back.
With… a gun? No, a fucking FLAMETHROWER.
And he’s setting light to his name that was conveniently set up just as he came out… because… I genuinely don’t know. At all.
1 hour 10 minutes left. Only Rock to cut a shitty promo and the main event to go. Help me Jebus.
Huh, suddenly I need a shit. What are the odds?
Rock is here to tell us the attendance. 101,763. Magical. Glad he wasted our time for that. Can he fuck off now? Please?
Wyatt Family? YES, KILL THE ROCK. KILL HIM.
Wait… a match?
The Rock Vs Eric Rowan
Well, better than a promo, guess?
Rock Bottom and he wins. In 6 seconds.
CAL SCALE – 0
Ok, can they kill Rock now?
Oh fuck, Cena. Is he gonna bury someone in 6 seconds too now? They team up and bury the Wyatt Family together. How nice.
Triple H Vs Roman Reigns – WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
I thought Stephanie was Nia Jax at first glance .
oh my god over 40 minutes left. After entrances, probably 30. Please, PLEASE FUCKING TELL ME THIS ISN’T GOING TO BE A 30 MINUTE MATCH.
So, this HHH entrance. Ummm… is it parodying something? It isn’t Sar Wars or Marvel so I’m obviously not aware of whatever it actually is .
Reigns booed out of the building by 100,000+ fans .
So it begins. 35 minutes left on the video file.
Nice swinging neckbreaker off the table.
SPEAR TO STEPHANIE~!
Stephanie, the most hated heel in the company, and Roman STILL gets booed .
Reigns wins with a Spear.
CAL SCALE – 0
Overall CAL SCALE – 10