I’ve finally made it. The last PPV of 2009. A full DECADE OF RAMBLES is about to be completed!!!
Christian Vs Shelton Benjamin – ECW Championship Ladder Match
*sigh* back in 09 I was so excited for this match. I mean, on paper, this SHOULD be a classic. Shelton had all those great performances in MITB matches, and Christian is one of the best ladder match guys ever. Together, especially in 2009 when Christian was likely the Best in the World? No brainer; MOTN. At least… potentially.
Unfortunately I was so fucking disappointed with this one. Every time I’ve seen it, I’ve liked it less. Will it do any better today? Probably not, but you never know.
THE ECW CHAMPIONSHIP HAS NEVER CHANGED HANDS IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS~! Well, Matt, that’s probably because ECW back in the day didn’t get anywhere NEAR Texas .
MICHAEL COLE CORRECTS MATT STRIKER WITH WRESTLING KNOWLEDGE .
This match actually starts off quite well… but once ladders come into play… it goes downhill. Botches, crappy spots and messy match structure!!!
Within about 2 minutes of a ladder showing up in the match, Christian is busted open and the match has to stop while the doctor’s see to him. Meanwhile Shelton has to pretend that the match HASN’T stopped and just looks like a pleb standing around not climbing a ladder and winning . The commentators try and blame it on the state of Texas having rules.
Shelton decides to climb the ladder after all… ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING, just as Christian has finished up being helped by the doctor . Now, I understand WWE’s PG practices and their much more strict health policies, but holy fuck does having to stop a match for a bit of blood really screw the guys over.
After a bunch of blargh spots and botches, Christian retains the title by splashing Shelton through a ladder. That sounds dirty.
CAL SCALE – 0
John Morrison Vs Drew McIntyre – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Drew doesn’t have his epic theme song atm . His old one was soooo fucking generic and shitty.
McIntyre is nice and VICIOUS here, living up to the hype the commentators throw at us in that sense. Elbows, big kicks, and every time he applies a submission (NOT A REST HOLD!!!), he’s always working the hold and trying to rip at Morrison’s face while bending back the arm etc .
An epic DDT from Morrison gets him back into the match, and man oh man Drew is awesome at taking a DDT .
Love how McIntyre is even on the offence while on the ground, kicking Morrison right in the knee. And then damn, the reverse Alabama Slam was BRUTAL!!!
Sweet Flying Chuck Kick using the apron on the outside showed us how good Morrison is at using his environment to his advantage.
STARSHIP PAIN~! Completely misses . But they act like it hit .
FOOT UNDER THE ROPES~!
MORRISON’S BELT GETS BROKEN~!
THUMB TO THE EYE~!
FUTURE SHOCK DDT~!
NEW IC CHAMPION~!
This was good stuff . Drew looked great, and Morrison definitely held his own too.
CAL SCALE – 2
Mickie James Vs Michelle McCool – WWE Women’s Championship
This was during the whole PIGGY JAMES stuff. Seriously, WWE? SERIOUSLY? BE A STAR, YOU CUNTS.
CAL SCALE – -1
John Cena Vs Sheamus – WWE Championship Tables Match
I love how they try and make the TABLES MATCH out to be dangerous as fuck in the build up .
Brawling, brawling, more brawling, teased tables spots, back to brawling.
Some alright stuff here when they brawl… but then they do something fucking awful and it kinda ruins anything good they just did lol.
They even did a “OMG THE POWER” spot with Cena lifting Sheamus up for an AA .
at some of the commentary. IF A TABLE WAS THERE THIS MATCH WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER. Well DUH. And in every other match, if that had been a 3 count the match would have been over too. You fucking morons.
Oh look, now they are battling on the top rope with a table set up in the ring. I wonder what will happen here…
Sheamus wins the WWE Championship when Cena falls through a table. This is only just a step above TNA having someone win a title by opening a box…
CAL SCALE – 0
The Undertaker Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Chairs Match
Chairs Match .
This match coined the EPIC line from Matt Striker:
“Undertaker has been in HIAC, Elimination Chamber and Inferno Matches, perhaps none more dangerous than a chairs match”
Ok, so CHAIRS ARE LEGAL in this match. Other weapons can cause a DQ, but CHAIRS ARE LEGAL. This is important. CHAIRS ARE LEGAL IN A CHAIRS MATCH.
Undertaker tries to keep Batista away from a chair early on, and relies on his big rights and lefts instead for now.
Batista is the first to use a chair to his advantage after Undertaker crashes into the barricade with a missed big boot. BATISTA IS CHOKING THE UNDERTAKER WITH A CHAIR. And it’s LEGAL, because CHAIRS ARE LEGAL IN THIS CHAIRS MATCH.
This is soooo far apart from their 07 series it’s unreal. Maybe it’s the chairs stipulation. Maybe it’s Undertaker being 2 years older. Maybe it’s Batista being 2 years older. Maybe it’s all of those things. I don’t know, I just know that it isn’t the same .
The crowd don’t give a shit either. They’ve been terrible all night so far though, but come on, UNDERTAKER AND BATISTA AND HITTING EACH OTHER. React, you lazy shites.
SPINEBUSTER ON THE CHAIR~! Because, as we know, CHAIRS ARE LEGAL.
ANNOYING STRIKER COMMENTARY~!
MORE STUFF WITH CHAIRS~! BECAUSE CHAIRS ARE LEGAL. IN A CHAIRS MATCH.
LOW BLOW BEHIND THE REFEREE’S BACK~!
CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD~!
BATISTA IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION~!
Well… I uhhhh… so this is embarrassing. The whole “CHAIRS ARE LEGAL” thing was done to set up a final joke about how Batista used a chair to low blow Undertaker and get the win only for it to be reversed because low blows weren’t allowed with the chair… but… Batista didn’t use a chair for the low blow. So… my memory has failed me far more than I ever thought it could.
Anyway, Teddy restarts the match, Tombstone, Undertaker wins.
It’s not great, but also not THAT horrible. Just disappointing given their history.
CAL SCALE – 1
Randy Orton Vs Kofi Kingston
The days of Kofi getting a serious push. The MSG moment. The Survivor Series win. And now a singles PPV match with Orton. WWE tried with the guy, they really did. Then Orton got pissed off or something at how bad the guy sucks and that was it for Kofi in a possible main event .
I liked this match back in 09. And now I have one person hoping I don’t skip this match (because Kofi) as he still thinks its good, and one person hoping I don’t skip this match because he thinks it’s awful and wants me to torture myself or something. Cunt.
Kofi’s “fighting stance” is goofy as shit.
Kofi’s offence is goofy as shit.
Orton whips Kofi, expecting him to crash into the steel steps, but Kofi jumps off them… then up onto the ropes, gets his balance and then jumps off onto Orton… who has had about a year to prepare for that move and counter with a dropkick .
Seems that Orton is trying to smash his foot through Kofi’s ribs. I approve of this.
Ouch, an SOS from Kofi looks to really hurt Orton. He lands HARD on his back and neck.
BREATHING OUT YOUR MOUTH IS A SIGN OF INTERNAL INJURY~!
Kofi’s comeback . Selling the ribs (while good), just leaves Kofi moving super slow, making his offence look even worse than usual .
TROUBLE IN PARADISE~!
HANG MAN DDT~!
KOFI BLOCKED IT WITH HIS ARM~! HIS ARM IS FUCKED~!
Orton wins lol.
Well, this one was… not as good as I remembered. Orton is really good in it, Kofi… he sells his ribs well, and then his arm after the Punt, but his offence is just so fucking terrible it’s hard to take anything he does seriously. He brings the match down whenever he does a move .
CAL SCALE – 1
Chris Jericho & The Big Show Vs Shawn Michaels & Triple H – Unified Tag Team Championship TLC Match
This is it. The last match on the last PPV. I finish this and I’ve completed a 2 year project. LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE~!
Shit, no pre-match DX promo. So this gets over 20 minutes .
Well, HHH manages to take out Big Show for a moment, and instead of getting a ladder or helping HBK against Jericho… he spends a couple of minutes looking for a table and then setting it up NOWHERE NEAR ANYONE ELSE. Meanwhile there is already a table set up on the ramp near the ring. I’m gonna hate this match, aren’t I?
Big Show and HHH literally DISAPPEAR for a time. The camera focuses on HBK and Jericho, and I literally cannot see where the other 2 went .
OK, MATT, FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP. PLEASE. SHUT UP. FUCKING SHUT THE FUCKING FUCK UP YOU FUCKING FUCK. If you come up with another shitty, awful, terrible nickname for a wrestler I will come to your house and stab you in the nutsack.
Oh hey HHH and Big Show show up again. They are on top of the ramp way. Jericho and Shawn join them. Maybe they got lonely?
And now HBK has disappeared to get a chair, and begins to chair fight with Jericho .
THEN HE DROPS THE CHAIR SO HE CAN TURN AROUND AND FOCUS ON THE BIG SHOW. Who immediately drops him because he’s the fucking BIG SHOW. Maybe a chair would have been helpful against the giant?
Finally, something smart is happening. With HHH and HBK out on top of the ramp, JeriShow decide to go back to the ring and grab a ladder and like, TRY TO WIN.
The loudest reaction all night to something happening in the ring is… DX suplexing a ladder onto Jericho. Some people don’t deserve to go to a PPV.
Big Show punching the absolute shit out of HHH in the corner .
How much does Big Show weigh? He’s announced as 440lbs. The commentators claim he’s 485lbs. And then any time Big Show hits a splash or drops on someone… he’s 500lbs. MAKE UP YOUR FECKING MINDS. Or like, have a weigh-in before every Big Show match .
SWEET CHIN CODEBREAKER~!
Big Show is left alone in the ring with a ladder . Now, all night Show’s weight has been brought up and how the ladder has a maximum limit of 400lbs. Yet he seems to do ok… so… is he UNDER 400lbs now? I AM CONFUSED!!!
DX have to combine their strength to push the giant off the ladder .
HHH… hurt himself doing a Pedigree…
HBK IS ALMOST AT THE TOP OF THE LADDER~!
Aaaaand he gets pushed off onto Big Show .
Big Show beats up the ladder . I guess being pushed off it has left him with some bad memories .
Well that was pointless because Jericho just brings in another ladder straight away .
DX TRAPPED IN A LADDER~!
Big Show broke that ladder too .
That table HHH set up at the start of the match? Finally comes into play with Big Show chokeslamming HBK INTO HHH AND THROUGH THE TABLE!!!
FFS. Instead of getting ANOTHER LADDER OUT… Jericho climbs on Big Show’s shoulders to try and reach the belts instead, which goes terribly wrong when DX come back in the ring and JeriShow are helpless .
SWEET CHIN MUSIC~!
Jericho falls off Show, over the ropes, then cracks into a table that doesn’t break and fuck me it looked PAINFUL.
And now DX decide to be retards and get one half of a ladder that Big Show broke instead of a new ladder. But Shawn climbs it as HHH holds it and they end up winning.
This is… or was… too long. Shave off 10 minutes and cut out some of the utter retarded shit and this could be good. But it did go 10 minutes too long and did feature a ton of stupid shit.
CAL SCALE – 0
Overall CAL SCALE – 3