Fuck me Michael Cole on commentary sounds like he’s on something. HI HI HI HI HI I’M MICHAEL COLE AND WOW WOW WOW LOOK HOW BIG MY HAND IS RIGHT HERE AT REBELLION IN MANCHESTER ENGLAND OMG OMG OMG THIS IS AWESOME!!!!
Stephanie McFapfap kicks off the show . She announces Undertaker won’t be here tonight. WHAT A FUCKING BITCH. I’d still do her though. FAP.
Booker T Vs Matt Hardy
Oh wow, this looks horrible on paper lol. I like Matt, and he had a GREAT run from like, 02 to 09, but fuck, Booker T drags shit down so much. Also, this is a SD PPV… and Booker T is on Raw. THE FUCK BITCHES?
MATT LOVES ENGLISH MUFFINS. You know, I don’t even know what an English Muffin is, nor have I had one (would be weirder if I’d had one and still didn’t know what it was, right?).
Brilliant TAZZ commentary: “SMACKDOWN: WE DON’T CHEAT AROUND HERE. SOMETIMES.”
BAAAARGH BUHHHHHH BURRGAAAGHHHHHH!!! Those are all noises you can hear from Booker T during a comeback.
Tazz: “THAT WAS A CRUMPET AWAY FROM A VICTORY FOR THE BOOK MAN” WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING YOU DAFT MIDGET?
What a great match. What an incredible match to kick start this PPV. Oh wow what an incredible match right here in Manchester. These are all things Michael Cole and Tazz say about this match that are 100% bullshit.
This whole match is a giant ball of fuck all.
CAL SCALE – 0
John Cena & Dawn Marie Vs Billy Kidman & Torrie Wilson
Just no. 2002 Cena = LOL. Divas = LOL.
CAL SCALE – -1
Funaki Vs Crash Holly
Crash mocks Funaki. And gets kicked in the face. Ha.
Match is about as basic as you get, just a filler match between 2 Jobber Cruiserweights. Best part was Crash mocking Funaki at the start, and a KILLER cut off clothesline later on.
CAL SCALE – 0
Tajiri Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Jamie Noble – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Elimination Match
fuck me sideways this looks INCREDIBLE on paper. Elimination style is too as it guarantees us a great one on one match regardless of who might get eliminated first!!! Hopefully this match will make up for the shite fest the show has been so far.
at Cole making a jab at Tazz being ORANGE.
Fun stuff to start, making good use of the fact there are 3 of them in the match. More unique tripley threat spots, usually featuring 2 guys trying a move and the third guy sort of getting in the way of it and getting knocked down almost by accident lol. Nice change from your typical triple threat spots.
TIGER BOMB~! Tajiri is… eliminated? Already?
Well, at least we are left with REY VS NOBLE, and at that.
Noble focuses on the arm of Rey, busting out some sweet shit to target it.
Urgh, Tazz is trying to be “English” which is apparently what all colour commentators must attempt when over in the UK. FUCKING STOP IT YOU ORANGE MIDGET.
Unfortunately the arm stuff gets a little dull, with too much time just sitting in holds rather than making shit interesting .
I just found THE single greatest sign ever. For real. I mean the single greatest absolute GOAT sign anyone has EVER brought to a show. “KANE RAPED ULRIKA” UK people will laugh, everyone else will remain clueless as to who Ulrika is .
Rey makes a comeback and hits a bunch of big, high impact moves, but Noble either kicks out or is saved by Nidia.
Noble wins with a counter to a roll up, and apparently Nidia helps him but the camera angle we saw doesn’t show that .
So this was HIGHLY disappointing. I mean MAJORLY fucking disappointing. Tajiri was gone way too quickly, and the arm stuff on Rey was mostly dull, and the finish fell FLAT AS FUCK too .
CAL SCALE – 0
at Benoit and Angle acting like kids backstage as they try to work out who is TEAM CAPTAIN. Also, HOW HILARIOUS A BAD TEETH JOKE IN ENGLAND. I love how they always come up with new, innovative jokes to mock us .
The Big Valbowski & Chuck Palumbo Vs Ron Simmons & D-Von
Chuck and Val as a team? Val going by THE BIG VALBOWSKI? The fuck is this craziness?
Farooq and D-Von together? I know they were stuck together in the tag title tournament… but they stayed a team afterwards? And Farooq is now just going by RON SIMMONS. Because. Stuff. This entire match is INSANE. Makes my head hurt.
So this is a bit of a mess of a match. Some ok stuff when it comes to RON beating someone up, but other than that it just doesn’t work for me. Man, this PPV is sucking HARD HARD HARD right now.
CAL SCALE – 0
Albert Vs Rikisi – Kiss My Arse Match
Albert hasn’t quite changed his name to A-TRAIN yet. But he’s dressing like A-Train.
at Albert’s promo before the match.
Tazz: “ALBERT DOESN’T SHAVE HIS ASS?” Oh I’m sorry Tazz, I didn’t realise that this wasn’t normal. Best get my shaver out…
god this is fun. Finally, something worth seeing on this show. at Rikishi bending over as Albert runs at him, causing the big guy to back the FUCK OUT OF THE RING.
at Albert being heckled by fans, so he tells them to shut up and rubs his chest seductively .
HEADBUTT TO ALBERT~!
ALBERT IS UNPHASED~!
HEADBUTT TO RIKISHI~!
RIKISHI GOES DOWN~!
ALBERT GIVES BETTER HEAD THAT RIKISHI~!
Tazz is fucking OBSESSED with Albert’s hairy ass. OBSESSED.
at Tazz making what he THINKS are seal noises. Ends up sounding like a retard took over commentary.
SUPERKICK TO ALBERT~!
BONZAIIIII!!! Albert loses, and now he must KISS RIKISHI’S ASS. Which is shaved. Because that’s normal apparently.
Albert tries to run, gets told he will get suspended if he doesn’t. He gets back in the ring, attacks Rikishi, tries to give HIM a stinkface which backfires and he ends up with a face full of ASS.
This was fun lol.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Afterwards Tazz and Cole and Tony Chimmel dance with Rikishi.
Chris Benoit & Kurt Angle Vs Los Guerreros – WWE Tag Team Championship Match
BANGLE VS EDDIE & the other guy!!!
at the video package pretty much being the No Mercy tag match video package… minus anything to do with REDGE.
Crowd LOVE both Angle and Benoit, and BOOOO the shit out of Chavo when he tags in to start things off .
Despite the fact LOS GUERRERO’S are the opponents here, it’s the one up-man-ship feud between Benoit and Angle that seems to be the focus early on, and the crowd being split on the two followed by actually chanting “WE WANT ANGLE” when Benoit tags in plays a BIG part in the match in the early going. It’s all fun
Eddie and Chavo are just MEAT for Angle and Benoit to fuck about with to try and prove who the better man is. Angle hits a German? Benoit charges into the ring and hits one two. Can’t decide which was better? STEREO GERMANS~!
Angle and Benoit basically competing against each other pisses LOS GUERREROS off, forcing them to become more vicious and actually gain control of the match with Benoit playing FIP.
GORY SPECIAL~! That’ll show them for looking past LOS GUERREROS!
Benoit gets worked over a little longer, but eh, nothing setting the world on fire here, but at least it doesn’t suck or anything lol .
HOT TAG TO ANGLE and the fans go crazy. Fucking Manchester… people. I’m sure they have some shitty name like Manchestians or something retarded like that but I don’t know or care. YOU SUCKS. Stop cheering Angle over Benoit you tits.
Finishing stretch starts off good from the hot tag, with Angle going all crazy, then it slows down and kinda kills the momentum they were building, before going back to CRAZYVILLE for the finish… but even the finish ends up being a bit awkward lol.
Overall this is still a fun and solid match, but eh, I’m just not loving it like I used to .
CAL SCALE – 2
Brock Lesnar & Paul Heyman Vs Edge – WWE Championship Handicap Match
BOTH MEN IN TIPPY TOP SHAPE~! Tazz has a wonderfully shit way with words…
Lesnar shows off his POWER early on, then Edge resorts to his quickness to frustrate THE CHAMP, and it works for a little while until it just makes him MAD. And you wouldn’t want to see Lesnar MAD. Well actually you would because he’s awesome. KILL THE EDGE!!!
Does anyone do a better BACK BREAKER than Lesnar? Especially when he does them in triplicate .
Lesnar on offence is just tremendous. Everything looks awesome and nasty and PAINFUL, especially the unique submission hold he does which is like a modified Boston Crab, but BROCKAFIED. And anything BROCKAFIED is PAINFUL and AWESOME.
Could have done with fewer rest hold in this one though. Lesnar sits in a couple of holds, and yeah they look NASTY because of how powerful he is, but even then I can only watch for so long before my mind wanders.
Poor Heyman. Edge ASSAULTS HIM twice for NO REASON at all. First he Spears him off the apron, then when Heyman finally recovers about 10 minutes later, he gives him a baseball slide and sends him crashing into the announce table. And BOTH TIMES Edge does something to Heyman, he takes his eye off Lesnar, allowing Lesnar to fucking KILL HIM the moment he turns around. DUH ME EDGE AND ME STOOPID.
Oh look, Edge going after Heyman a THIRD TIME. What the fuck? Edge can pin Heyman without Heyman tagging in? THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?
Michael Cole: “DROPKICK! WE ARE GONNA CROWN A NEW CHAMPION!!!!” sure Cole, Lesnar survived HELL IN A CELL WITH UNDERTAKER, but a fucking DROPKICK FROM EDGE is gonna end his title reign. Ya dumb bastard.
Nice counter from an F-5 into the Edgecution!
SPEAR! Lesnar kicks out!
CHAIR TO THE GUT~! F-5~! Lesnar retains the belt.
Match is ok. Nothing special. Lesnar rules, but the match is dragged down by a couple of rest holds that last far too long. Fun finishing stretch.
CAL SCALE – 1
Overall CAL SCALE – 2.5