IT’S WRESTLEMANIA PLAY BUTTON!!! Actually gonna watch/ramble on the pre-show matches this time too. First time ever I think. I normally don’t even bother watching it lol. BUT, the official CAL SCALE score for WM will go by JUST the actual WM matches. I’ll probably show both at the end though.
Cesaro & Tyson Kidd Vs Los Matadores Vs The Usos Vs The New Day – WWE Tag Team Championship Match
Cesaro and Kidd are accompanied to the ring by NATTIE’S TITS. Holy Jebus lol.
Cesaro and Kofi start off, then one of the Los Matadores tags himself in, so Cesaro leaves and… takes out an Uso . Apparently he was already injured coming into the match so, that explains that .
How AWFUL is the current “tag division” right now? This is what we’re stuck with.
Woods is on the outside trying to motivate Kofi by smacking on the ring apron, and the fans are chanting “New. Day sucks!” to the beat .
SUPERKICKS~! Guess he has to do more than usual since he’s on his own now (Jimmy Uso, obviously). Though fuck knows what he’s gonna do for the rest of the match since he’s used up his whole 1 move.
as I wrote that… HE HIT ANOTHER SUPERKICK . He has quite literally RUN OUT OF MOVES .
Thought they were gonna do a lame as fuck tower of doom spot because apparently when you have more than just 2 tag teams in a match, that spot MUST be done. It’s like, mandatory. They’d probably get fined if they didn’t do it. Instead, they change things up and everyone does their own little spot and it’s somewhat fun .
SHARPSHOOTER TO THE MIDGET BULL~!
Los Matadores do a switch twin spot, but the referee can apparently tell the difference between them and refuses to count .
EVERYONE EXCEPT CESARO HAS HIT A SUPERKICK AT LEAST ONCE IN THIS MATCH .
Oh hey, here’s the tower of doom spot. Told ya they’d get fined if they didn’t do it.
Well, thankfully Cesaro and Kidd retain the titles. Best choice because everyone else is just awful.
Some fun stuff here… but I’m glad it was on the pre-show and not the proper show because it was just a spotty move-fest and nothing else.
CAL SCALE – 0.5
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
AXELMANIA is… eliminated first. By everyone. Didn’t see that coming…
Is that KENTA in the match (I forget what his NXT name is, hence me not using it. I’m not one of those people who refuses to call someone by their new name or anything lame )?
ITAMI. There we go. Thanks Cole. He won some tournament over WM weekend.
HOLY FUCK JBL FINALLY SPEAKS SENSE. He actually said that Big Show is NOT a favourite because despite his size, he has NEVER WON A BATTLE ROYAL. About time someone brought that up.
HOW DID ALEX RILEY GET IN THIS MATCH??!?
Ryder eliminated like a jobber by Bo Dallas who runs around the ring screaming “I DID IT”, gets back in the ring, and gets kicked out by Itami.
BIG SHOW VS KENTA . That could actually be a good match. Show as the monster heel, and Itami working as the underdog. Kinda like how he did against TENRYU that one time. At least, so I’ve heard. Don’t think I’ve ever seen the match myself.
Well, there goes Itami. And a bunch of other people.
HENRY IS ELIMINATED… by who? The fucking Ascension? What a load of shit.
Well guess my prediction of SHEAMUS winning this thing ain’t happening unless he’s allowed to show up at the end . So he’s most likely, apparently, to interfere in the ladder match? God I hope he doesn’t cost Bryan the IC title.
didn’t even realise Swagger was in this match . First time I’ve seen him, and he was sat in the corner hiding before getting eliminated . THANKS FOR COMING.
BIG SHOW HANGING ON LIKE RR 2009 . He fucking MURDERS The New Day and single handily eliminates them .
Cole doesn’t know which Uso is which. He claims Jimmy got hurt earlier, so Jay is the one in the ring. Then realises it was Jay that got hurt.
Ahhh shit, Goldust is gone .
Oh hey Kane is here. The fuck has he been hiding? And how does someone that big hide?
Cesaro eliminates Kane in the same way he beat Big Show last year. Then he sets his sights on doing it to Show again . Maybe Cesaro can win it again and actually benefit from it this year?
Nah, Cesaro is gone. Actually, losing might help him more than winning .
THE FINAL 3. Big Show Vs Miz and Mizdow. Oh god Mizdow is winning, isn’t he?
At least it seems like Mizdow is turning on Miz for good. When they split up and have their little feud, I want Jiz to become the Marty Jannetty of their team. Same for Sandow tbh. Fuck em both.
I like how Big Show just stands in the corner for like 5 minutes while Jiz and Sandow argue.
MIZ IS ELIMINATED BY SANDOW~!
Big Show wants a hug. Sandow attacks him instead. What a cunt. He’s probably gonna make Big Show cry now. Just what we need…
gotta say though, this is one of the more fun finishing stretches for a battle royal. Some fun teased eliminations including Sandow biting Show’s hand when he tries to hold on to the ropes .
IT’S BENOIDOW~! He tries to use the same tactic as Benoit from the 04 RR. And then gets eliminated.
HOLY SHIT BIG SHOW ACTUALLY WON. HE’S MADE HIS (FAKE) DADDY PROUD~!
Well I enjoyed this .
CAL SCALE – 1
Bad News Barrett Vs Dean Ambrose Vs Daniel Bryan Vs Stardust Vs Dolph Ziggler Vs R-Truth Vs Luke Harper – WWE Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match
Daniel Bryan opens yet another WM. I just hope Sheamus doesn’t fuck him over like he did a couple of years ago .
So APPARENTLY the reason Bryan isn’t being pushed in the main event scene since his return is because WWE aren’t sure on the condition of his neck still. It could just be a short term fix, similar to what Angle kept having for years. So their solution? PUT HIM IN A LADDER MATCH~! *FACE. PALM.*
Right, time to get this clusterfuck match out of the way. I just hope nobody gets seriously hurt, and they can try and give us something more than SPOTS~!
30 seconds into this match and everyone is diving over the ropes onto everyone else. *sigh*
I think Ziggler just landed on a ladder balls first. Not sure if I should laugh at him or feel sorry for him.
Stardust has his own glitter ladder. Bad News Barrett breaks it and beats the fuck out of Stardust with a broken rung . Don’t think I’ve ever seen that in a ladder match .
Urgh, that fucking “swing the ladder” spot. Harper set the ladder up for that BEFORE ANYONE ELSE WAS EVEN IN THE RING. So he was basically waiting and hoping everyone else would run in at him so the spot would work. I. HATE. LADDER. MATCHES.
Oh look, a ladder set up in the ring NOWHERE NEAR THE BELT. Bet that won’t be used for a spot.
OMG SHOCK IT WAS USED FOR A SPOT.
Well, Ambrose just killed the Jawbreaker Lariat. Two AWFUL set ups and executions.
Well, Ambrose just died. Powerbomb out of the ring through a ladder that was… set up for that spot at some point in time.
Is Harper bleeding or is his tank top just in character by being dirty? Can’t get a good enough look at him to find out .
Where is Bryan? I don’t remember the last time I saw him.
Oh there he is. He just got knocked off the ladder. Bet that’s good for his neck!
KNEE TO BARRETT’S FACE~! Should be an improvement.
Ziggler and Bryan battling on top of the ladder. God, if Ziggler wins this then I’ll… I’LL COMPLAIN ON THE INTERNET.
A bazzillion headbutts later and Bryan wins. At least the match did one thing right.
Didn’t like this at all. Garbage. Fucking garbage.
CAL SCALE – 0
Seth Rollins Vs Randy Orton
So are they getting all the old Shield members out of the way early on so when Reigns comes out for the main event, nobody remembers how much better they were than him?
Seth tried to kill Orton 4 months ago. Orton returned, pretended to be friends then tried to murder Seth. And this match starts like any other basic match from Raw and SD. Well done you morons.
Did… did Orton just no sell the turnbuckle powerbomb? Or was he meant to like, counter it?
DOUBLE APRON DDT TO J&J. Randy has showed more aggression towards the security than Seth. Does nobody know how to have a fucking FIGHT any more? This should be a BLOOD FEUD. Only without the blood because PG and whatnot. But still. LOOK LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER DAMMIT.
I’m bored. THIS IS FUCKING BORING. I know I’m not a wrestler. I’ve never been in the ring. I’ve not done any training. I’m a fan. I’m a “smark”. I talk about wrestling on the internet. So my opinion on the matter means less than dog shit to actual wrestlers. But even so, I just want to say to Seth and Randy… YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. Sorry, but I could put together a better match than this. For starters it would make sense given the build up and feud going into the match. Hmmm… I wonder how much is their fault and how much is the agent’s fault? Either way, whoever put this match together should have simply said “FUCKING FIGHT”. That’s what this match needed to be and SHOULD have been. Instead it’s a cold match we would expect to see on Raw for no real reason.
DID YOU KNOW? We’ve had a Superkick in EVERY MATCH so far tonight. Both pre-show matches, and now both main card matches.
RKO~! I’ll be honest, I thought the match was ending there. Would have been a random and flat ending to what so far has been a random and flat match. Instead, 2 matches into the show, and we have a finisher kick out. Not sure which is worse. Kicking out of a finisher this early into the show, or if the match would have ended there while the match was still dull and flat.
CURBSTOMP~! And now Orton kicks out. Can we BAN finisher kick outs please? PLEASE?
Well. That RKO was actually fucking AWESOME.
Meanwhile, the rest of the match was SHIT.
CAL SCALE – 0
Triple H Vs Sting
this is happening now? Well, better for Sting to have his entrance in the day time than Undertaker . Though HHH’s entrance could probably have done with being in the dark too. Guess we’ll see. He’s gonna be THE TERMINATOR apparently. I hope Sting brings out ROBOCOP.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT FOR STING’S ENTRANCE?
Ok, come on HHH. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, but your entrance at least has potential to be good .
A BUNCH OF TERMINATORS ON STAGE . STING HAS BEEN MARKED FOR TERMINATION . TERMINATOR THEME
it started off good and then… HHH appeared .
that just looks SHIT .
I was expecting him to come out like, in the leather jacket and shit like Arnie, not like THAT .
Gotta love how HHH essentially got a face entrance. WHO CAN BOO THE FUCKING TERMINATOR?!?! WCW just got buried again .
Ok, let’s see if this match is gonna be good or a trainwreck. PLEASE don’t be a trainwreck. I WANT this to be good. PLEASE BE GOOD.
Sting looks in shape. For Sting.
CROTCH CHOP to Sting. And once again HHH getting a pop from the crowd. LOL. HE’S A GREAT HEEL.
a “you still got it” chant towards Sting .
Ya know, I never thought I’d get the chance to shit on STING during a WWE PPV Ramble . Feels… good .
Sting’s face is already starting to fade away. Sting looks KNACKERED already. He’s old so he gets a bit of a pass. But he’s also Sting so he doesn’t get that much of a pass from me .
STINGER SPLASH~! HHH MOVED~! STING SPLASHED THE BARRICADE~!
Sting can lay around on the floor for most of the match now while HHH beats him down. Awww, HHH doing something nice for the OAP .
great camera shot. Sting with half his face paint worn away, and a big bald spot on top of his head, as he’s on the floor at HHH’s feet.
REST HOLD~! Sting has never been so happy in his life.
SCORPION DEATH LOCK~!
ROAD DOGG, BILLY GUNN AND X-PAC~!
THIS IS A NO DQ MATCH~! WHY AM I ONLY FINDING THIS OUT NOW?
OH SHIT STING JUMPED OFF THE TOP ROPE ONTO DX ON THE FLOOR~!
OLD MEN EVERYWHERE~!
And of course Sting kicks out. Gotta have DEM FINISHER KICK OUTS.
Hai Sledgy the Sledgehammer .
Are… are they here to help Sting? Or destroy Sting? Didn’t they hate Sting and WCW?
DX Vs NWO .
STING FROM BEHIND~! SCORPION DEATH DROP~!
HHH kicks out .
the NWO are actually here to help Sting .
Scorpion Death Lock applied. HHH reaches for the Sledgehammer, but Hogan drags it out of the ring. And then DX and NWO get into it again. HALL TAKES A BACK BODY DROP ON THE FLOOR~! I think that might be the most impressive thing of the match so far lol.
So, where is HBK in all this? WE NEED A SUPERKICK TO KEEP THE STREAK GOING!!!
I swear I didn’t know that was coming, but SECONDS AFTER I WROTE THAT, HBK showed up and Superkicked Sting . EVERY MATCH SO FAR HAS HAD A SUPERKICK .
And of course Sting kicks out. FINISHING MOVES DON’T WORK AT WRESTLEMANIA.
BAT VS SLEDGEHAMMER~!
STINGER SPLASH COUNTERED WITH SLEDGEHAMMER TO THE FACE~!
TRIPLE H WINS .
This. Was. HILARIOUS. And not in a good way. An overbooked clusterfuck match with Sting and WCW once again getting buried . WHY DID STING AGREE TO THIS?!?!
THEN THEY SHAKE HANDS? WHAT? WHY? HOW? WHEN? WHERE? WHOSEIT? WHATSIT? WHAAA?
CAL SCALE – 0
Bunch of IC champs of the past suck Bryan’s cock. Steamboat says the ladder match was up there with his match against Savage . Then Flair comes along to WOO and chop Steamboat . Bret Hart shows up. Then they all start chanting YES! . I don’t know if that was a good segment for Bryan or not lol.
Some apparent well known singers show up to do something. NEVER heard of any of them. Aaaaand skipping ahead . I look forward to the DVD/Bluray release where they cut the segment out entirely .
AJ Lee & Paige Vs Brie & Nikki Bella
Paige and AJ win.
CAL SCALE – 0
The HOF’ers for 2015 come out. OH MY GOD THAT ULTIMATE WARRIOR STATUE IS TERRIFYING. WHAT DID THEY DO TO HIS FACE?!?!
Rusev Vs John Cena – WWE United States Championship Match
big video package putting over DA US OF A which gets a great reaction from the fans. Then Cena follows it and gets booed and “John Cena Sucks” chants. Ahhh, gotta love it .
Been a while since I watched Rocky IV. No idea why I thought of that .
Fuck me, we’re barely 2 minutes into this match and we’ve already had Rusev standing over Cena with the Russian flag, and Cena going through his 5 moves of doom and teasing an AA. Surprised he didn’t hit it that early so we can have yet another finisher kick out at WM.
LET’S GO LANA chant .
This match has gone for last 5 minutes and they are wrestling it like they’ve already gone 20 and are having to go slow because they’re knackered.
SUPERKICK~! Shame the divas match didn’t have one of those.
YOU CAN’T BEAT ME JOHN CENA!!!
STF and… Lana randomly throws her show in the ring . The referee just kicks it out of the ring. Well, glad that happened…
What the… was that a… springboard Stunner?
Accolade locked in. The odds of Cena escaping? High. Very high.
Oh look, he did it. STF now. Looks painful. Gotta feel for Rusev in this hold, having to pretend it hurts even though it clearly looks like shit .
RUSEV JUST PLOUGHED INTO LANA~!
AA and Cena wins .
Fuck me, yet another boring shitty match at WM. Did everyone forget how to work a match? There was nothing to this. Just both men taking turns at hitting moves.
CAL SCALE – 0
Almost seems like they are trying to kill time in hopes that it gets dark soon for Undertaker’s entrance . WM panel, pre-show clips, and then Steph and HHH cutting a promo in the ring. Gotta give it to HHH though, guy doesn’t look like he’s had any sort of match tonight. If only he didn’t. Just realised, no Sheamus yet. Is he gonna show up here? Seems like the right time. Though wasn’t he supposed to be a heel on his return? I don’t know any more. Guess he’ll show up on Raw. Urgh, Dwayne Johnson. Shouldn’t he be off filming FAST CARS AND EXPLOSIONS 23: THE SAME SHIT AS THE LAST 22?
they really ARE wasting time. Dwayne spends about 5 minutes on top of the ramp pacing up and down . And now he’s standing in the ring just hoping the fans will chant his name to kill even more time .
Doesn’t seem to be getting dark though. So this is a giant waste of time . This better not be setting up Rock Vs HHH for next year. HHH needs to stop putting himself in big feuds that nobody wants to see.
DID YOU KNOW? The Rock was born in the East Bay. Huh, I was born in a hospital.
OH MY GOD THIS SEGMENT SERIOUSLY IS NOT GOING TO END UNTIL IT GETS DARK. They just keep going on and on and on and on about absolutely NOTHING.
Rock stares down some… women… in the crowd. IT’S OVER 9000 t-shirt .
And yes, I know who she is. RONDA. I ain’t THAT out of touch when it comes to reality. I’ve seen her beat the shit out of women in like 20 seconds a few times. The fact she’s a DBZ fan interests me the most though . VEGETA~!
RONDA’S GONNA KILL YOU~!
They could have had the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal on the main card. But once again Rock takes up precious time with utter shit.
RONDA VS THE ROCK. I’d pay 9.99 for the Network for a month to see that match on PPV.
Why is HHH still there. HE’S DONE NOTHING FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES.
Aaaaand HHH is talking again. LET RONDA BEAT HIM UP. Bah, Rock attacks him instead. What a cunt. RONDA TAKES DOWN HHH . BREAK HIS ARM .
STEPHANIE VS RONDA~! Stephanie has officially lasted longer in the ring with Ronda than most trained MMM professionals .
This whole segment was POINTLESS. And boring. And shitty. And pointless. And shitty. And boring. And shitty. And pointless. And boring. And it’s still light, so it didn’t even do a good job wasting time .
The Undertaker Vs Bray Wyatt
THE RETURN OF THE UNDERTAKER .
Ummm… Bray? It’s light out still. WHY DO YOU HAVE A LANTERN?
FUCK ME WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?! ZOMBIE SCARECROWS. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! *runs away screaming like a little girl… I MEAN LIKE A MAN*
I wonder if those are gonna replace the Druids when Bray takes over Undertaker’s role .
Well, here we go. UNDERTAKER TIME.
did we just hear the camera man coughing due to the smoke from ‘Taker’s entrance?
UNDERTAKER IS HERE .
Fuck me, he looks 10 years younger than he did last year lol. Must be the hair. He’s also dressed pretty similar to how he was when he returned at WM XX. Leather pants instead of his traditional wrestling tights.
BOOT TO THE FACE~! And here we go, the match is on!
OLD SCHOOL .
Well so far, other than being a little slower than 5 years ago, ‘Taker looks pretty damn FANTASTIC. No homo. Talking about his conditioning and ability to perform moves and take bumps.
APRON LEG DROP~!
SNAKE EYES. RUNNING BIG BOOT… COUNTERED WITH THAT CRAZY KAMIKAZE CROSS BODY THING HE DOES . Was hoping for that spot, but wasn’t sure if Undertaker would be in any condition to take the bump lol. Having Bray basically throw himself at you isn’t something to be taken lightly lol.
PUNCHES TO THE FACE~!
… the fuck lol? Bray I *think* was trying to smash Undertaker’s skull into the ring post but… ended up just talking one of those classic Undertaker/Mankind knees first into the steel steps bump .
Undertaker is showing signs of not being what he once was, and Bray is methodically taking him apart and perhaps trying to take advantage of the fact last year Undertaker suffered the concussion.
HELLS GATE~! Wyatt counters with PUNCHES TO THE FACE~!
The difference between this year and last year though… is that Undertaker isn’t concussed. HE’S FUCKING PISSED. And sooner or later Bray is gonna find out just how different those things are .
SISTER ABIGAIL~! Undertaker counters with a Chokeslam .
1…2… BRAY KICKS OUT. Well fuck me. Not the big shocking moment like WM 25 with HBK, but I gotta say, I didn’t expect Bray to kick out of the Tombstone.
Undertaker’s face looks more like a confused old man than the awesome “what the fuck?” face he did at WM 25 . He was more “HUH? DID WE PLAN THAT? WASN’T THAT THE FINISH? WHERE AM I AGAIN?” .
BRAY COUNTERS A TOMBSTONE INTO SISTER ABIGAIL~!
Yet another finisher kick out to add to the ever growing list of finisher kickouts on this show lol.
yes, another spot that everyone wanted to see in the match happen has happened . Spider Bray walks into SIT UP Undertaker . Even Bray shat himself!!!
The Dead Man ain’t DEAD yet, he wants Bray to bring it to him even more . If Bray wants to be the new FACE OF FEAR he’s quite literally going to have to go through Undertaker.
Bray looks to end it with a second Sister Abigail, but Undertaker counters with a second Tombstone and this time Bray stays down!
THE UNDERTAKER HAS RISEN AND IS STILL GOING STONG~!
An enjoyable match . Nothing amazing, but Undertaker looked great, Bray was good, and they put on a nice little match. Finally, with one match left, WM 31 gets some CAL SCALE points .
CAL SCALE – 2
Brock Lesnar Vs Roman Reigns – WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match
I CAN. I WILL. Yeah ok.
Yes, Heyman announcing Lesnar . Nobody does it better!
Ok, off to a great start . They charge at each other, Lesnar picks up Roman like a nobody, smashes him into the corner, hits a German Suplex and then an F-5!!! But Lesnar is bleeding from a punch it seems, and well, I guess he doesn’t want this match to end any time soon .
I think like most people, I wasn’t REALLY expecting much from this match… however right now they are doing exactly what I would have HOPED they would do for the match to at least try and make it entertaining. And they aren’t just TRYING, they are DOING.
Lesnar is just a fucking BEAST. I don’t think any nickname has ever suited a wrestler more than Lesnar being known as a BEAST. He’s fucking toying with Reigns. Despite the fact one side of his face has put on weight due to swelling lol. It’s like he doesn’t even notice it. BROCK should have been the one to come out at the fucking Terminator. Hell, that should be the next film. BROCK VS THE TERMINATOR. I’d still pick Brock to win. He’d rip apart any fucking Cyborg in his path.
those fucking KNEES TO THE FACE . So glad Lesnar resigned for THREE YEARS. Kinda hope he has more dates on his contract this time though, because I need more BROCK in my life beating the shit out of people.
Reigns stiffing the shit out of Lesnar now . And Lesnar fucking CREAMS HIM .
Gotta give it to Reigns here too. He’s taking the beating of his fucking life, but he keeps getting up and keeps coming back for more. Shame the fans turned on him because this would be a great babyface performance if the crowd were on his side lol.
F-5~! And Reigns kicks out! Now, how much better would that have been had we not had a million finisher kick outs before this match? Undertaker/Bray could have kept theirs in, but even still, THAT should have been the first finisher kick out of the show tbh.
Reigns is fucking LAUGHING . He’s talking smack to Lesnar while taking a beating . He’s pissing Lesnar off, but he’s still hanging in there!!!
Third F-5 of the match and again Roman kicks out! This time Lesnar isn’t happy. And well, that’s BAD for Roman.
LESNAR GETS HIS FACE SMASHED INTO THE RING POST~! LESNAR IS DRIPPING WITH BLOOD~! THINGS ARE PICKING UP .
Reigns needs to take advantage of this because he might not get another chance quite like this one.
LESNAR DOESN’T GO DOWN :marK:.
A SECOND SUPERMAN PUNCH~!
LESNAR ONLY GOES DOWN ON ONE KNEE .
Lesnar catches a third attempt and tries to German Suplex him, but ends up taking yet another SUPERMAN PUNCH~!
LESNAR IS BACK UP~!
YES! YES! YES! YES!
LESNAR WILL NOT DIE~!
SUPERMAN PUNCH COUNTERED INTO ANOTHER F-5~!
Both men are down and… SETH ROLLINS IS ABOUT TO CASH IN!!! OH SHIT!
So is this now a triple threat? Yup!
Oh wait… does this mean they’re gonna have Lesnar beat Rollins, allowing Reigns ot not win the title but technically not lose either? .
CURBSTOMP COUNTERED INTO AN F-5 COUNTERED INTO A SPEAR~!
CURBSTOMP TO REIGNS AND… SETH ROLLINGS WINS THE TITLE! THE BELT IS OFF LESNAR WITHOUT LESNAR LOSING~! REIGNS DIDN’T WIN~!
Not sure I like how the belt was taken away from Lesnar, or that Seth is the champ now… but damn this was a great match! Blew my expectations out of the water, just wish Lesnar won.
CAL SCALE – 3
Overall CAL SCALE – 5
Overall CAL SCALE (with Pre-Show) – 6.5