People tell me this isn’t an awful show… but oh my god the card ON PAPER appeals to me less than women with short hair. Aside from Foley/Flair. That’s a smoking hot red head with long hair and big tits. It’s the LITA of matches, I guess.
Rey Mysterio Vs Chavo Guerrero
Oh god we’re starting this thing off with fucking CHABO GERRADO. I want to turn the show off already.
D’awwwww, nice touching video package of Eddie and Rey’s friendship. They seem to have missed out those 4 or 5 months where Eddie wanted to destroy Rey and take his kid .
“REY NOT SUCKING OFF ANYBODY” well done Cole.
They show a video package for Chavo and Eddie… and again miss out the HATRED~! part .
So, who loved Eddie more? Rey Mysterio, or Chavo Guerrero? There’s only one way to find out…
And that’s what they are doing! If they keep this up I might actually enjoy this match.
SPLAT~! That was Rey when he launched himself over the ropes and Chavo dodged. Rey looked to have fell about 8 feet at least! DAMN!
Mmmmm bacon sarnie. What a way to start the day!
Bah, Chavo teases a fucking POWERBOMB off the top rope to the FLOOR, but of course Rey counters, and we end up with that shitty “both guys jump off the ropes into the ring” spot that sucks. All that was missing was a table and it’d be a classic ECW moment .
KEEP KHALI OFF TV sign . Remember when Undertaker/Khali LMS was supposed to be on this show? But WWE changed it to a SD match because they didn’t trust Khali on live PPV?
So this match quickly went downhill and turned boring. So much so, Vickie Guerrero runs down to the ring screaming NO! NO! and slaps Chavo for being so shit . That’s how I interpret it, anyway.
3 AMIGOS BY CHAVO BECAUSE HE HAS TO STEAL EDDIE’S MOVES TO GET A REACTION~!
3 AMIGOS BY REY AND THE FANS BOO HIM~!
Vickie tries to climb onto the apron, but grabs the ropes to help her and “accidentally” knocks Rey off the ropes .
Chavo wins .
This had its moments but overall mostly bored me.
CAL SCALE – 0
Oh god, Booker T and Edge backstage. They both claim to be the best champion or something. I don’t care. Nobody cares.
The Big Show Vs Sabu – ECW Championship Match
they show clips of the ladder match between RVD and Sabu that was for the #1 contendership here tonight. What a train wreck that match was .
So the ECW title is being called the ECW WORLD title. Once Show lost it I think it lost it’s importance with the company . Though titles do tend to do that when LASHLEY holds them .
Funny that Booker and Edge were arguing over who was the best champion, meanwhile the ACTUAL best world champion is right here! Big Show’s ECW reign > Edge & Booker T.
Sabu wasting no time here, just crushing Show with chair shots! But they do fuck all to the giant, and Sabu ends up getting tripped up and lands face first on the chair he set up . Show shows everyone just how useless a chair is against him by CRUSHING IT with his foot.
Fans: “WE WANT TABLES”
Big Show: “YOU’RE NOT GONNA GET EM!”
FUCK ME. Biggest Fall Away Slam EVER. Sabu cleared most of the ring and fell to the outside!!!
Sabu climbs the ropes with a chair… AND DROPS IT . The fans groan as he has to retrieve it to do the spot he wants to do .
BIG SHOW THROUGH A TABLE~!
Joey says we have 16,000 people chanting ECW… then the camera switches to a crowd shot with ONE GUY chanting ECW .
Holy shit, BIG SHOW ACTUALLY LANDED HIS SECOND ROPE SPLASH!!! That’s the equivalent of Flair coming off the ropes successfully!!!
Big Show puts a table across the steel steps as a platform… and Sabu runs over and jumps on it and… the table slides out from under him . I think I’m warming up to Sabu. His constant botches are fucking HILARIOUS .
DDT THROUGH THE TABLE~!
CHOKESLAM THROUGH THE TABLE~!
Big Show retains.
So this was actually really fun. Sure, Sabu is awful, but he’s hilariously bad more than anything .
CAL SCALE – 1
FAP FAP DIVAS BACKSTAGE~! They are all acting like complete bitches to Layla who just won the diva search. gotta love how even ASHLEY is snubbing her . Turns out they were just messing with her.
THEY ALL GET IN THE SHOWER TOGETHER AND SPANK LAYLA’S BARE ARSE~!
Hulk Hogan Vs Randy Orton
ORTON KNOWS BEST~!
at Orton having to RKO Hogan on a car so all he had to do was literally bend over slightly because he’s too damn old to take a real bump. MAE YOUNG AT LIKE 80 YEARS OLD TOOK AN RKO LIKE A FUCKING CHAMP.
TRISH SWALLOWS sign .
HOGAN CROTCH CHOPPING RIGHT IN ORTON’S FACE~! Oh man, Hogan totally should have joined DX . An OAP version of the original NWO .
Man, it’s weird seeing Hogan like this. He’s OLD… but he still has quite a bit of hair… and he just looks… strange .
So is Hogan the heel here? Because he’s raking the back of Orton, BITING HIS FACE, raking his eyes and just punching the shit out of poor Randy while ALSO threatening the referee!
HOLY SHIT HOGAN TOOK A BACK BUMP~! I was gonna make a joke about a drinking game based on back bumps taken by Hogan in this match that would leave you sober at the end… but he just took a flat back bump!!!
RKO~! He took an RKO too! It looked shit but he took one.
Oh no Hogan’s leg was on the rope.
People shouldn’t hit finishers on Hogan. It just makes him HULK UP.
Why does nobody leave the ring and let Hogan calm down when he starts Hulking Up?
Orton has to sell a big boot for about a minute while Hogan panders to the crowd before actually hitting a Leg Drop .
Orton lost. LOL.
Yeah this wasn’t good.
Ha, it’s that fat fan with the giant Hogan tattoo on his back that was invited into the ring at Backlash 2005 after the HBK/Hogan tag match!
CAL SCALE – 0
FAP FAP FAP MELINA. She uses reverse psychology on Foley to get him ready for the upcoming match.
Ric Flair Vs Mick Foley – I Quit Match
finally something I wanna see!
Foley going right after Flair’s FACE . Elbows, knees and even a trash can! Flair has a black eye, either from the build up to this match… or he got drunk and fell down in the bar the night before .
Flair’s selling. “OH GOD, ARGGGHHHH”
MR SOCKO~! That didn’t take long lol.
Foley gives Flair a chance to end the match now, but when he doesn’t, he says he gonna make him SUFFER. He wraps Mr Socko with barbed wire and…
TESTICULAR CLAW BY FLAIR~!
FLAIR STEALS BARBED WIRE SOCKO~! CHOPS WITH IT~!
Foley takes his signature knee bump into the ring steps and flips over and it looks better than probably ever!
This match was originally supposed to take place way back in 2004, but Flair made some unflattering comments towards Mick on an interview and Foley decided against working with someone who didn’t respect him.
FLAIR IS BLEEDING~!
So if Foley’s chest from those barbed wire chops. I watched TNA Hardcore Justice 2014 last week and Abyss got hit in the STOMACH with a 2×4 with NAILS STICKING OUT and there wasn’t a drop of blood in sight .
BARBED WIRE BOARD TO THE FACE OF FLAIR~!
Crazy to think that Flair hated Foley for being a “glorified stuntman” yet is more than willing to have a match like this .
I really wanna check out their TNA Last Man Standing match again now too. Though I always say I wanna check out certain matches when I write these and I NEVER DO .
Flair has officially gone into Crazy Old Man mode and is beating the SHIT out of Foley with Barbie!!!
We had a fucking ECW TITLE MATCH FEATURING SABU on this card and yet the Flair match is the most violent thing we get . TAKE THAT, ECW!
Foley takes a bump off the apron and cracks his skull on the floor! Melina and a trainer come down to help and tell the referee he can’t continue! But Flair gets on the mic and says this isn’t a “LAY DOWN ON YOUR ASS MATCH” and demands Foley continue!!!
I’LL KILL YOU TOO YOU LITTLE BITCH~!
BARBED WIRE TO FOLEY’S EYE~!
MELINA THROWS IN THE TOWEL! But Flair doesn’t accept that!
Foley finally quits when Flair threatens to hit Melina with Barbie!
Good GOD is this an awesome, brutal, bloody brawl! HATE~! all the fucking way!
CAL SCALE – 6
Booker T Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match
You know how people say wrestling is like dancing when it looks fake as hell? Well, Booker T and Batista were just dancing . Clothesline > Duck the clothesline > clothesline > duck the clothesline > spin kick > catch the kick. Looked about as real as the wwe diva’s tits.
JBL terrifies me by saying this match could go 30 minutes .
Damn, they’re actually acknowledging the fight they had at the SummerSlam photo shoot! Everyone always says Booker T kicked Batista’s ass, yet Finlay on his 2006 Timeline shoot said that was a load of bollacks. Finlay doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would lie, so fuck knows what actually happened.
the crowd cheered for Batista because it looked like he was gonna do a Batista Bomb… but instead did a suplex and they booed the fuck out of him .
Sharmell jumps on Batista as he tries to hit a Batista Bomb, and Booker gets DQ’d .
This was awful.
CAL SCALE – 0
DX are talking to someone that we don’t see. They tell the mystery person that Vince called Umaga the biggest, baddest and best MONSTER in WWE. Bet you can’t figure out who they were talking to .
Shawn Michaels & Triple H Vs Vince & Shane McMahon
I swear they showed the same video with different music for all the DX Vs McMahon matches in 06. There is that one clip of DX in the production truck and they switch to “camera 10” where we see Vince piss on The Coach. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A CAMERA IN THE MALE TOILETS?!?!
So Vince and Shane ain’t tough enough to fight DX on their own… THEY NEED MALE CHEERLEADERS TO HELP~!
DX buries them in seconds.
Oh look, that isn’t all! Mr Kennedy, REGAL AND FINLAY . Finlay is fucking killing everyone . Aaaand then DX of course win the 3 on 2 battle. Right after taking out 5 guys at once…
THE BIG SHOW~! Shouldn’t they have just like, sent EVERYONE AT ONCE from the start? Rather than giving DX a chance to fight them all individually basically?
Yey everyone has recovered and are attacking DX . Except the Spirit Squad who… seem to have literally disappeared. WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY GO?!?!
The Smackdown stars are laying the SMACKDOWN on HHH on the floor. Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
CHOKESLAM TO HHH THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!
And now the McMahon’s come down to the ring and maybe the match can ACTUALLY START now?
Guess I should forget everything that just happened, don’t wanna base my rating on things that don’t count .
worst clothesline every by Vince.
Lol, JR calls Shane the Heir-apparent to WWE. Meanwhile the REAL Heir-apparent lays motionless on the floor after being chokeslammed through a table…
Poor Shane. At least he’s out on his own and doing really well for himself. Fuck the WWE, he don’t need it! That being said, I do wonder how things would be in the company right now if SHANE had the power HHH currently has. Now that’s an alternate time line I wanna visit!
HHH tries to get back in the ring, so Shane baseball slides him, and HHH launches over the Raw announce table and lands on JR, who just throws him off to the floor . And then acts all concerned and says he needs medical attention .
Vince and Shane doing tag team finishers from the past . DEMOLITION~! HART FOUNDATION~! LOD~!
HBK kicks out after taking all 3. Way to bury all those old tag teams!
HBK starts to make a comeback after taking all that punishment, and makes the hot tag to a guy who has been dead for the entire match thus far .
Fuck me what have I been eating? I just farted and good god I nearly choked!
Oh hey Umaga has shown up. SAMOAN SPIKE TO THE GAME~!
Before he can do any more damage though, KANE shows up. Because DUH he was the person DX talked to earlier.
SHANE SETTING UP COAST TO COAST WITH A TRASH CAN~!
SUPERKICK~! HBK intercepts Shane with a fucking SUPERKICK~!
SUPERKICK INTO A PEDIGREE TO VINCE~!
This was a ton of the fun. The stuff before the match and everything during the match. Me likey long time.
CAL SCALE – 2
Edge Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match – If Edge Is DQ’d, He Loses The Title
Bah, I really don’t wanna watch this. Cena in 06 was mostly miss, and Edge wasn’t that great either most of the time. Together? Never liked their chemistry.
LITA FAP FAP FAP how the fuck do her tits stay in her top? I mean seriously? Does she tape them in place? Velcro? I WANNA KNOW.
at the lame “IF EDGE WINS WE RIOT” sign, meanwhile the rest of the crowd are chanting CENA SUCKS .
Best part of this is that we are in BOSTON, basically Cena’s hometown . EVEN THEY HATE HIM~!
Interesting things that have happened so far: 0. And we only have 5 minutes of the show left.
It hasn’t been some awful pile of turd like Batista/Booker though. It’s just been a match. That was there. And happened. With stuff. 2 jobbers on Superstars could do almost the exact same match and nobody would care.
LITA THREATENS TO HIT CENA WITH THE TITLE SO EDGE CAN ESCAPE THE STFU, BUT EDGE TELLS HER NO BECAUSE IF HE GETS DQ’D HE LOSES THE BELT~!
So if Edge can’t get DQ’d, how is he gonna win? With Brass Knucks, apparently . BECAUSE THOSE ARE LEGAL~!
F-U to Lita. Fuck me, Cena is a CUNT.
BRASS KNUCKS TO THE FACE~! EDGE WINS. HA.
CAL SCALE – 0
Overall CAL SCALE – 9