2006 Royal Rumble
Match 1 – Kid Kash Vs Funaki Vs Jamie Noble Vs Nunzio Vs Paul London Vs Gregory Helms – 6 Way Cruiserweight Invitational Texas Tornado match. Helms recently gave up the Hurricane gimmick, and despite being a Raw star this is invitational for any former CW champs. SD guys gang up and attack him. Racists, they don’t like RED PEOPLE (get it? Raw is the Red brand? SCREW YOU I’M HILARIOUS)! Match is just a fast paced fun opener filled with MOVES~! where everyone gets their little spots in to look good then Helms wins the belt and goes on to hold it for over a year or something. Not usually my style of wrestling but I can enjoy this for what it is. **3/4.
Vince backstage feeling up Torrie, Victoria and Candice. Then they play with balls, and invite Randy Orton in to join them. Obviously he’s picking his RR number. He likes it a lot. HHH picks his. He ain’t too excited. TORRIE, YOU MIND OPENING YOUR BOX FOR ME? WOULD YOU HOLD MY BALL? GIVE ME MY BALL BACK.
Trish in a referee’s outfit. MICKIE CRAZY JAMES. SHE TELLS TRISH SHE LOVES HER. HOT!
Match 2 – Mickie James Vs Ashley – Trish is the guest ref. Remember SUNNY in those short shorts in 97 I think it was? Well take about 4 inches off them and that’s what TRISH is wearing. Poor Mickie, she has to take offence from Ashley and sell it as well, despite the fact it looks god awful. Kinda like Ashley who looked like a tranny. MICKIE JAMES QUITE THE OPPERTUNIST, WHEN SHE SAW ASHLEY’S BACKSIDE SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE. Trish’s shorts and Mickie’s performance are the only redeeming qualities to this match. Mickie wins. I miss crazy Mickie. As much as I like AJ, she ain’t got nuffin on crazy Mickie. 1/4*.
McMahon looking at tattoos from the divas. Show comes in and wants to show off his. They decline. Vince makes a joke about Show having BLUE BALLS. Rey picks his number. Eddie apparently played a joke on him by picking #2 for him. EDDIE! YOU GOT ME MAN. YOU GOT ME. Urgh, cheesy pandering to the death of Eddie.
Match 3 – JBL Vs The Boogeyman – NO.
Back with Vince and the sluts. SHELTON BENJAMIN’S MOMMA TOUCHES UP VINCE. I legitimately think Shelton’s Momma was GREAT and extremely underrated. She was awesome. Melina flirts with Shelton. His MOMMA drags him away. Good job too, she’s a SLUT. MNM draw numbers. They seem ok with them. Shelton and MNM claim they will eliminate HBK.
Spirit Squad come out and do their shit. And I do mean shit. LOL, Ziggler was booked better as part of the Spirit Squad than he has for most of his career as “Dolph”.
Match 4 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Fuck, I knew this didn’t main event… but even Cena/Edge was after it? LOL. HYPE REY WINNING THE RR FOR EDDIE. JUST DON’T MAKE THAT BIG A DEAL OF OUT IT BY NOT LETTING IT MAIN EVENT. SAME WITH HIS TITLE MATCH AT WM. They exploited Eddie’s death… just not all the way. Makes it worse in a way because they half arsed it rather than really going all the way and trying to make something huge out of it. Urgh. HHH is #1, Rey is #2. This is probably as close to a singles match between them that we’ll ever get. Suck it HHH fans! LMAO at Simon Dean coming down on the segway thingy. I think he even throws a coin at one of the guys who open the doors for them to come down to the ring. Nice tip lol. He thinks he eliminated Rey, they wants a high five from HHH, but gets punched in the face and eliminated. WOOOO Ric Flair sags his way down to the ring and goes right for HHH. Chops and ball grabbing follow before Flair gets thrown out. BOOOOOOOOOOO. THE BIG SHOW. He wants to break HHH in half too. LOL, Cole says Show has his mind set on burying HHH. Wrong way round Michael!! Cole: BIG SHOW GONNA TOSS HHH! Lawler (after a few seconds of silence): Over? LMFAO. Bobby Lashley. HE COULD BE THE DARK HORSE. Is it because he’s black? Fuck you Cole! LOL. Awesome spot where Lashley just THROWS Big Show. Then Kane comes out and Lashley is fucked. Double team from Kane and Show, and he’s out of there. He looked really strong before he got eliminated though. Dominator to Kane, press slam to HHH, the stuff with Show. Kane and Show battle it out between themselves, and HHH buries… I mean eliminated them. Ha. BENOIT. Awesome German Suplex to Rey. Throws him half way across the ring. LMFAO Booker lasts about 20 seconds and gets eliminated by Benoit. Suck it T, you SUCK. TATANKA RETURN. LMAO EUGENE gets booed to shit. RVD returns to action for the first time since he fucked up his knee… at some point in time. I don’t remember, nor do I care. Fuck the RVD. HE’S SUPER. HE’S CRAZY. HE’S… what’s his name again? Things get dull for a while in terms of entrants. People like Super Crazy and Eugene and OJ and Chavo etc. #25 HBK. About time someone good entered! THE WORLD’S LARGEST LOVE MACHINE. No, not me, Viscera! He rapes Matt Hardy then throws him out. Don’t think he’s gonna call him in the morning either. Poor Matt. First Lita leaves him for Edge and now this. GOLDUST! Was he making a return here? I think so. 2 RR match returns for Goldust in his career. In 4 years. LOL. I’d mark for him showing up in the 2013 RR. Orton is #30 and it’s time to clear the ring. Masters, Viscera, BENOIT (eliminated by Orton) are all gone pretty quickly. HBK gets rid of MNM who vowed to eliminate him, then he turns around and BENJAMIN kicks him in the skull. Benjamin was doing great around this time. SUPERKICK and he’s out though. His MOMMA ain’t gonna be happy. And with the 3 guys who told Vince they’d throw HBK out are eliminated, VINCE comes out to distract the Heart Break Kid while Shane O’Mac comes from behind and out goes the Showstoppa! HBK runs back in after Shane and ends up Superkicking HHH before chasing Shane backstage. We end up with #1, #2 and #30 left! Rey wins. Good Rumble. Nothing great, but mostly fun outside of one rather dull period around #15 to #25. ***14.
Malenko, Benoit and Chavo all celebrate with Rey for winning the RR for Eddie. They look happy on the outside, but inside are all thinking “why Rey? We were all much closer to Eddie than he was!”. Edge interrupts and doesn’t say anything worth mentioning.
Match 5 – Edge Vs John Cena – It’s time for the WWE Title match. Edge won it 3 weeks ago at NYR by cashing in MITB for the first time ever. The reaction from the fans was incredible. The Raw the night after and his live sex celebration with Lita garnered the highest rating for a Raw show in a LONG time. He was OVER. Mega fucking OVER. Fans were sick of Cena pretty much since he got drafted to Raw. Christian and Jericho were getting cheered over him in their feud. Then Jericho again in their singles feud. Then Angle in their feud. Then pretty much everyone in the Chamber match. And then Edge blew them all away by being the hottest thing for a LONG time. So what do WWE do? GIVE CENA THE TITLE BACK 3 WEEKS LATER. Momentum: KILLED. Took another couple of months and help from Foley to make Edge seem like a somebody again. Fuck me lol, this have this big moment before the match where a huge ramp is lowered down, then big pyro and… JOHN CENA ENTRANCE. Shouldn’t EDGE have gotten the big entrance? Nah, WWE as always were favouring Cena. The writing really was on the wall from the get go. Oh yeah this match sucks balls. Cena wins the title back after making Edge look shit for most of the match. Hate everything about this. DUD.
Todd whatshisname tries to interview Edge but he’s pissed off and leaves. Lita starts to talk but Hacksaw randomly shows up to call her a HOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What a pointless cameo lol.
Match 6 – Kurt Angle Vs Mark Henry – Sadly, this isn’t the Hall of Pain Henry. And unfortunately it’s Kurt Angle post 2003 when he just became the “machine” who would throw moves around for no reason, hit finishers so many times it’s kinda wrong to refer to them as finishers. This was destined to suck. And hey, guess what? IT DOES. Best part of this is after the match when Undertaker shows up in a horse and cart and destroys the ring with Angle in hit, signifying that he’s coming for the title. DUD.