Author: Big Cal

No Mercy 2004

May jebus have mercy on my soul, because this undercard probably won’t.

Eddie Guerrero Vs Luther Reigns

Eddie Guerrero. One of the all time greats. One of the most popular superstars at the time. Was WWE Champion at WM XX earlier in the year. Now he’s opening a PPV against Luther fucking Reigns. How does that even happen?

Luther gets off to a good start by powering Eddie down with a clothesline, so Eddie backs himself into a corner to sucker Luther in… then POKES HIM IN THE EYE. I miss Eddie . Goku got to come back for one day while dead to compete in a tournament, why can’t Eddie come back for a show?

Standard power wrestler stuff from Luther; press slam, bear hug etc. Nothing worth going into detail about lol. Highlight is Eddie selling it and using his lie, cheat and steal way off life to try and make comebacks.

So according to Michael Cole, Luther Reigns in the past has been shot, stabbed and had his throat slit. At least I know I’m not alone in not liking the guy .

Eddie escaping Reigns when he has him in a reverse DDT position is awesome. Knees to the face then uses the ropes to push himself up and over and lands a reverse DDT of his own! Now things are picking up as Eddie makes his comeback! Love how Eddie, despite being babyface, just looks like a cocky DICK after he hits a few moves lol. The fans eat it up and so do I.

Oh man oh man oh man Eddie is the greatest. He’s making his comeback and looking great… then Luther just powers him into the air and smashes him to the mat. Eddie rolls out to figure out what to do next… and happens to notice a security guard! He steals the security guard’s baton, sticks it in his boot and yeah, you can figure out what goes down after that . Eddie <3.

Eddie wins. Duh.

Match isn’t awful, so that’s something! Luther wasn’t bad, he was just… basic as shit . But give Eddie something basic and he turns it into something good, so I’m happy with how this went. Fun stuff, but such a waste of Eddie’s talent.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

Dawn Marie walks in on Miss Jackie topless. FAP FAP FAP. Jackie just stands there covering her tits lol.

Spike Dudley Vs Nunzio – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

God I love the FBI theme. Huh, Nunzio was trained by Billy Robinson? I did not know this. Pretty cool though.

Spike couldn’t even slam NUNZIO without falling back.

Opening few minutes are ALL Nunzio, with the champ unable to get anything in whatsoever. Nunzio looks pretty great btw. His offence looks snug and solid (kinda funny I’m noticing something like that after finding out who trained him ), and he is real smooth at the counters and shit too. Almost makes me wanna check more Nunzio stuff out. Almost.

Sweeeeeet counter by Nunzio into a cradle for a very close near fall, which is similar to how he beat Spike on SD to earn a title shot here.

Unfortunately Spike on offence is DULL AS FUCK as he keeps going for the same damn hold; a full nelson while Nunzio is on the mat.

Thankfully though Nunzio is on top of his game and seems to control a great deal of this match, countering the champ at every turn and hitting some sweet offence.

The Dudley Boys on the outside are what give the advantage finally to Spike allowing him to win.

This was fun. Nunzio going for quick counters into pins to try and get the win just like he did on SD was cool.

Rating: **1/4
CAL SCALE – 1

Paul London Vs Billy Kidman

Remember when Kidman injured Chavo Jr with a botched SSP? Ahhh, fun times .

Some nice HATE~! from London early on. Thanks to Kidman they lost the tag belts, and then Kidman smacked him in the back with a chair too. So he has every right to be fucked off. In the wrestling world, anyway lol .

Man, London doesn’t give a shit. He’s launching himself all over to hurt Kidman. That springboard moonsault from the second rope INSIDE the ring OVER THE ROPES TO THE FLOOR was fucking SICK. I mean wow. One mistake and he could have landed on the back of his head on the apron or something.

RAKE TO THE EYES~! And then poor London gets thrown ribs first into the ring post and Kidman is controlling this one!

Nice job by Kidman WORKING a hold, stretching London after he went ribs first into that ring post, then punching the ribs for added punishment.

Great focused offence by Kidman, and London takes some great bumps and sells everything pretty well too.

Love how London keeps getting out of these holds by KNEEING KIDMAN IN THE FACE. Keeps working so why not?

Damn, that was one STIFF ELBOW shot to Kidman’s face. That looked better than any Bull Hammer from Barrett.

London keeps trying to make a comeback, but his injured ribs prevent him from getting on any kind of roll, and Kidman takes full advantage of it every time. Pretty smart work throughout this match, and some great action too!

Kidman goes to the ropes for a SSP!!! But like the last few weeks since the Chavo incident, he hesitates and looks to leave! But Teddy Long told him if he leaves the match he’s fired, so he has to come back anyway.

London goes for the SSP! Kidman drives the knees into London’s ribs, and then lands a SSP of his own for the win! Kidman overcame his demons! Yey!!! Wait… Kidman’s the heel? Yey anyway I guess?

Great match! Very impressed . LONDON IS SPITTING UP BLOOD!!! The fans seem happy about it . SSP TO LONDON WHILE HE’S STRAPPED ON A BOARD~!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

JBL interview. He talks about how he’s always guaranteed victory… but tonight the words just can’t come out. EPIC FORESHADOWING? No. I mean… SPOILER~!

Kenzo Suzuki & Renee Dupree Vs RVD & Rey Mysterio – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

BLUCE SPLINGSTEEN~!

BOOOORRRN IN TEH YOU ESS AYYE

I almost wanna watch the match after that awesomeness from Kenzo. Was better than the real Springsteen that’s for sure .

Nah, I can’t watch it. I can’t watch a match with RVD, Kenzo and Dupree. Urgh.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

The Big Show Vs Kurt Angle

Man, remember that awesome return from Big Show when he cleared the entire locker-room during that lumberjack match? Guy looked like a legit monster.

oh man the build up for this match. ANGLE SHOOTS BIG SHOW WITH A TRANQUILLISER GUN . Then shaves his head .

Teddy Long making more FIRED~! threats. Anyone interferes in this match and they are gone!

Big Show is gonna break Angle’s ASS IN HALF. I guess it’s one of THOSE kind of PPV’s…

Show pushes and throws Angle around for a few minutes, then Angle gets himself counted out!

TEDDY LONG~! He’s throwing his weight around AGAIN lol, and tells Angle the match is gonna restart, and if Angle doesn’t have a proper match he’s fired. TEDDY HATES THE WHITE MAN.

Angle trips over the steps and nearly gets counted out and fired.

Match gets ***** for that alone .

Oh man, great camera angle for Angle getting decked in the face holding a chair:

Show decides this match is over and goes for a chokeslam, but Angle rolls through into an Ankle Lock!!!

REF BUMP~! ANGLE CHEATS AND USES A CHAIR~!

Man, Angle really goes to fucking town on Show’s ankle. Love the spot where he HANGS on the ankle of Show while Show is on the apron. Looks brutal as fuck.

All that ankle work and… Show stands up and starts throwing Angle around, runs, and even hits a big boot. All the while completely NO SELLING the ankle work. Wow, no selling in an Angle match and it’s NOT Kurt’s fault?

Angle tries to shoot Big Show again.

Oh hey Show has decided to limp a little. Nice of him.

CHOKESLAM FROM THE ROPES~! Show wins.

Fun enough match, just a shame Show decides to no sell the ankle work during most of his comeback.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

Booker T Vs John Cena – Best of 5 Series United States Championship – Match 5

Ha.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

The Dudley Boys & Dawn Marie Vs Charlie Hass, Rico & Miss Jackie

So Charlie and Jackie are engaged. But Dawn Marie claims she’s having an affair with Dawn. And somehow the Dudley’s are involved making it a 6 man tag because STUFF.

FAP FAP FAP Dawn and Jackie get into it. Lol.

Bubba tags in and wants a kiss from Jackie. He closes his eyes and…

.

Bubba walks out of the match .

He eventually comes back and crotches Rico as revenge .

Bubba gets the tag and mauls Rico for kissing him, then Charlie gets the hot tag and cleans house for a little while, then it’s chaos as we go into the finish.

Bubba sets Rico up for the headbutt to the goin, but he seems to WANT it, and Devon is terrified .

In the end Rico lands a moonsault for the win.

FUN.

Rating: **1/4
CAL SCALE – 1

JBL Vs The Undertaker – WWE Championship Last Ride Match

.

JBL bringing back some old members of the Ministry of Darkness was awesome. And then Undertaker crushed them a week later .

Match starts with both guys clubbing each other in the face . ***** already .

JBL tries. He really does. But he just can’t do a damn thing to ‘Taker in the early going. Punches to the face, boots to the face, elbow drops, apron leg drop, and an irish whip into the steel steps are all things that Undertaker does to JBL without a care in the world .

STEEL STEPS TO THE FACE~! Undertaker wasted too much time setting up the announce table for a spot and ends up tasting some cold hard steel. Oh fuck, that second shot with the steps is fucking incredible.

Are there any Texan wrestlers who are BAD at punching?

TRIANGLE CHOKE~! JBL taps but it doesn’t matter. And I’m just now realising there is a referee. Why? Is he the only person who can call for the bell when the loser gets driven away? He doesn’t need to be there lol. In fact in the video package for the match, JBL claims there won’t be a referee. Oh well.

at Undertaker threatening one of the Spanish announcers with a monitor because he’s just sat at the table still when Undertaker clearly wants to put JBL through it .

That back body drops off the steps gets me every time. Looks brutal and has to be done perfectly because they don’t have the momentum of someone running the ropes to properly execute the move, so JBL could easily end up smashing the back of his head on the steps if it went wrong.

TOMEBSTONE ON THE STEEL STEPS~! Awesome. Tazz screaming at Undertaker not to do it because he’ll kill JBL is awesome too.

JBL is bleeding, so Undertaker targets the cut .

CHAIR SHOT TO UNDERTAKER~! Total desperation move from the champ.

CHOKESLAM FROM ONE ANNOUNCE TABLE THROUGH THE OTHER~!

The Dead Man picks up JBL and carries him up to the hearse! JBL is about to take his Last Ride!

HEIDENREICH~! He was in the back of the hearse all along! Chloroform~! Undertaker is out! The hearse starts to drive away… but Undertaker sits up and goes back after Heidenreich!!!

CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~!

JBL survives and retains his championship!!!

Heyman turns out to be the driver of the hearse, and sets it up so Heidenreich can drive a truck right into it with Undertaker still in the back!!! Crazy!

Awesome, awesome match. A brutal, vicious, bloody brawl between two awesome brawlers. Love it.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

Overall CAL SCALE – 11.5

Vengeance 2004

Been about 6 weeks since I last did one of these rambles. Hope this has a couple of good matches so I’m not coming back to a shitty PPV .

The Coach & Garrison Cade Vs Tajiri & Rhyno

So the first match involves The Coach and Garrison Cade? Hopefully Tajiri and Rhyno can offset the awfulness lol.

Coach acts all cocky and decides to start the match off… so RHYNO gets in the ring with him, and Coach pretty much shats himself and begs Cade to tag in .

Slow start, then Cade gets angry and slaps Rhyno. He fucking SLAPS RHYNO. Methinks that may have been a mistake. Rhyno fucking unloads on poor Cade with huge rights to the face. Cade gets in a knee to the gut, and Rhyno staggers back for a moment, then screams and fires back with moar shots to the face .

TAJIRI TAGS IN . KICKS COACH ON THE APRON .

Heels gain control and Coach starts to work over TAJIRI. He’s mostly ok, I mean, all things considering, Coach is better than a lot of the current roster . Looks a little awkward doing certain moves but he’s far from bad.

Coach mocks Tajiri by bowing down, after slamming him to the mat… so Tajiri kicks him in the face when he’s bent over . Someone needs to make a super comp of nothing but Tajiri kicking people. I’d buy a 3 disc Bluray set of nothing but that!

HOT TAG~! Rhyno cleans house, then Tajiri makes a blind tag and ignores Cade, instead going right after Coach.

MIST TO CADE~! Tajiri was aiming for Coach but he moved.

GORE TO CADE~! Rhyno was aiming for Coach but he moved.

KICK TO COACH~! Coach couldn’t avoid that, and this is done.

Fun tag to start things off. TAJIRI. RHYNO. Hell, I’m becoming a bit of a Coach mark tbh lol. He was solid in the ring, lots of charisma, played a pretty good heel and got heat. What more do you want?

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

Evolution are backstage. Everyone looks confused and worried about the Eugene situation, and demand answers from HHH. HHH has Eugene tagging with Flair tonight for the tag belts I think, lol. They end up arguing over whose turn it was to watch Eugene . Turns out Benoit is talking to Eugene, trying to explain that Evolution are using him. Christ, good luck explaining that to a retard .

Chris Jericho Vs Batista

Sweet jebus is this boring lol. Batista works the back of Jericho, and well, he just sits in a couple of different holds for 10 minutes until they pick up the pace going into a finish.

Lionsault is kinda botched lol. Jericho lands it but Batista was supposed to get his knees up… and he does… but Jericho still lands on Batista WHILE his knees are up… just not up where they can HIT Jericho .

Powerbomb. Jericho foot is on ropes. Ref doesn’t see. Match is over. I wasted 10 minutes on this. Wasn’t awful, just dull as fuck.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

MOAR Evolution backstage. Eugene walks in all upset after his conversation with Benoit. HHH uses the fact he heard their conversation to further manipulate him. HHH. Manipulating a retard. And he still ends up getting outsmarted .

HHH has a surprise for Eugene. It’s a Flair robe. at the look on Flair when he hands it over.

La Resistance Vs Ric Flair & Eugene – World Tag Team Championship Match

No way can I sit through this .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Kane Vs Matt Hardy – No DQ Match

Well this had potential to be a fun fight. Plus, LITA FAP FAP likely at ringside .

Oh man, the build up to this match . LITA IS CARRYING KANE’S BABY SO SHE CAN’T MARRY MATT HARDY . Someone was watching a soap before coming to work that week…

A year later and in real life, Lita and Matt would break up because she was slutting it up with Edge. HOW DID MATT NOT SEE THAT COMING AFTER THIS?!?! .

Hardy punches Kane and HE’S the one that falls down .

Hardy is wasting no time here anyway. Jumps Kane at the start, punches him over and over, then smashes him in the head with a monitor. Then Hardy ends up taking a pretty sweet bump off the announce table into the barricade . FUN BRAWL so far! Just what I was hoping for .

Kane puts a pretty good beating on Hardy, and Matt takes a few nasty looking bumps too. He’s always overshadowed by Jeff when it comes to being a risk taker in the ring, but Matt takes a bunch of nutty bumps and takes them well and deserves to be noticed.

Kane gets shit on every now and then, and I guess I can see why at times. Sometimes he’s good, sometimes he’s just not lol. But he also should be recognised for taking some of the shots he takes, mainly from weapons. The early shot to the face with the monitor looked full on, and Hardy just smashed him in the face with the ring bell and Kane didn’t look like he protected shit.

YEY LITA . She runs down (bouncy bouncy) to protect Matt from being mauled by Kane and the ring steps. Kane drops them because he doesn’t want to risk his baby getting hurt. He sends Lita out of the ring, grabs the steps again… and Hardy smashes a chair into them! Kane drops, the stairs drop on his head and MATT WINS!!

Yeah, fun brawl. hard hitting, some great shots from both men. I liked.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

Randy Orton Vs Edge – Intercontinental Championship Match

Hmmm… this match has me interested. They’ve had some up and down chemistry over the years. Some shite matches, and some really good ones. This one is a match I remember being really good, but I also remember it having a bunch of HEADLOCK SPOTS. Interested to see how I feel about it today.

HUGE “let’s go Orton” chants. And he’s the heel . YOU SUCK, EDGE!

Oh look, they are both doing that criss-cross ropes run thing. For absolutely NO REASON. I hate that spot. Unless it’s part of a comedy routine in a match (which usually isn’t good either, but whatever), it just makes both guys look retarded. Wasting energy running up and down for no reason whatsoever. Morons.

Orton’s leaving! Yey!!!

Edge is bringing him back! Booo!!!

Ha, Orton is doing those clubs to the chest in the ropes that Sheamus does!

Orton applying a hold to Edge. Yep, applying a hold. Not sat in a rest hold! I miss the days when people would do that. You know, work a hold. He’s cranking on the arm and twisting Edge’s neck and looking like he’s actually trying to hurt the guy AND make him tap, rather than sitting there wasting time.

Orton takes one hell of a bump off a baseball slide, where he launches himself backwards and ends up smashing the side of his face into the side of the announce table. Edge is getting in some offence and putting Orton in trouble, and the fans are firmly behind Orton still .

SPEAR ATTEMPT~! COUNTERED WITH A KICK TO THE FACE~! HA~!

And now a “let’s go Edge” chant. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS DAMMIT!!!

Fucks sake lol, they’ve switched back to “let’s go Orton” . He plays it up well being a heel, telling them he doesn’t need their help, and goes back to mauling Edge’s neck.

Here comes the HEADLOCKS~! And man oh man they look WONDERFUL. Orton is WORKING them like a pro, and it makes perfect sense for him to use it too since he’s been targeting that neck of Edge. So happy that the headlocks hold up lol. I was worried that they’d end up like rest holds and my younger self was stupid. BUT I WASN’T SO HA.

Edge tried to rake Orton’s eyes to escape the headlock, but Orton manages to avoid it and BITES HIS FINGERS instead .

They do the old “3 arm drop and this is over” spot… and EDGE’S ARM DROPS THREE TIMES… but the match isn’t over. Because uhhh… he got it up after it dropped? Or because it dropped on Orton rather than the mat? I dunno lol.

Oh man, they have one hell of a finishing stretch. Some great near falls, without overusing bigger moves/finishers. In the end Edge picks up the win and is the new IC champ.

Man, I fucking enjoyed this. Orton looked tremendous in it, as he often did during this time. WORKING those headlocks makes me so inside lol. Edge was fine, he didn’t do anything bad, but Orton was the clear standout of the match for me. Held up extremely well!

Wow, just noticed that the match was over 25 minutes long! That fucking FLEW by. Awesome.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

Victoria Vs Molly Holly – WWE Women’s Championship Match

NO.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Chris Benoit Vs Triple H – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Oh man, the build up to this match. HHH is trying to win back the WHC with the help of a RETARD .

They start out trading basic wrestling holds; headlock takeovers etc, with HHH trying to show Benoit up, then Benoit coming back and doing the same thing to HHH but faster and better. So HHH decides to use his superior power to try and cancel out the superior wrestling ability of the champ. How does that turn out?

CROSSFACE~!

KNEE TO THE FACE~! And that allows HHH to begin his control segment. Love Benoit during HHH’s control segment a hell of a lot more than HHH lol. He bumps tremendously to make HHH’s offence look DEADLY, and I always enjoy how Benoit keeps fighting no matter what, always managing to get in some chops here and there at the very least, making HHH WORK for that control.

Hell even when Benoit starts mounting offence, he looks like he has to FIGHT for everything he gets. Something he likely brings out in people, because he does it to them so he expects it right back. One of the things that made Benoit so damn good. Say what you will about him, but the Mr Kennedy shoot interview is a great watch and him talking about Benoit in the ring is great to listen to as he talks about how Benoit works and always makes you fight for everything.

BRET HART TURNBUCKLE SPOT~! Love that spot. Bret did it wonderfully, and Benoit might have done it better than I’ve ever seen Bret do it here. TWICE. He just runs full on into the turnbuckle and screams in pain like it was the most brutal thing ever. And you can believe it hurt like fuck too because of the speed he went into the damn thing. A very simple but super effective spot.

After those two spots, HHH begins to work over the chest of Benoit, and I love how he sets up a vertical suplex, but switches it up and throws Benoit forward and down on his chest. Smart work, and great looking move too, once again because of how Benoit takes it and sells it.

We get some more of HHH applying holds to wear down Benoit, and Benoit does his awesome selling and constantly trying to fight back, and manages to lock in the same holds to HHH after escaping them, but never being able to do much with them because he’s too hurt to hold HHH in position. Good stuff!

SHARPSHOOTER~!

Maybe I’m looking too much into this whole thing lol (as I tend to do sometimes ), but I love the idea of Benoit trying to use the same holds as HHH to inflict punishment on him as he received, but because of his injury HHH would always counter… but the Sharpshooter allowed Benoit to basically just SIT on HHH and apply the pressure to hurt him and allow Benoit to recover a little and get back into this match.

Fuck me, that was a STUNNING looking suicide dive from Benoit. No surprise that he’s good at that, I guess .

REF BUMP~! HHH calls for Eugene to come out, but before HHH can get him to do anything, Benoit locks in the Crossface! He screams at Eugene to get the referee but Eugene is conflicted. HHH taps! Still no ref… and Eugene looks like he’s gonna get in the ring instead and help HHH… so Benoit DECKS HIM . Benoit is upset that he had to do it, and allows HHH to hit a low blow and Pedigree!

Eugene rolls the referee back in and… KICK OUT~! BENOIT KICKS OUT~!

STEEL CHAIR~! BUT EUGENE TRIES TO TAKE IT AWAY~! HHH KNOCKS DOWN EUGENE~!

Holy shit lol, Benoit just kinda runs into HHH and decks him in the face… with the chair in front of it . Almost like he clotheslined the chair into his face. Looked awesome.

Man, as great as this match has been, the finishing stretch is fucking me off . Eugene. Then Eugene. More Eugene. A steel chair. Evolution run in. Followed by Eugene and a chair. Well, sort of. He has the chair, then spends an hour trying to decide who to hit, before giving up. Benoit tries to fight him for the chair, and in the end Eugene accidentally smashes it in HHH’s face . Roll up, and Benoit retains lol.

Yeah, great match. HHH worked a smart match and Benoit looked like the greatest worker ever during it all. The Eugene stuff at the finish bothers me, mainly because they over used him. Instead of just coming down and doing the chair spot, they tease him doing shit for like 5 minutes in multiple situations and in the end you just want him to fuck off .

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

Overall CAL SCALE – 10

Bad Blood 2004

Jebus, save me from the boredom of the upcoming HIAC match.

Please .

La Resistance Vs Edge & Chris Benoit – World Tag Team Championship Match

Wait… didn’t I already watch this? Oh, that was Taboo Tuesday. Why is Benoit going for the tag titles?

I… can’t sit through this again.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Chris Jericho Vs Tyson Tomko

Wow, big match here. So big I’m not worthy of watching it.

WOW. Trish is wearing one hell of an outfit. FAP.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Orton cuts a promo backstage, hears the fans booing him, so he wanders out into the ring to bitch at them . Good stuff. Then Shelton (his opponent for later tonight) shows up and ruins it by trying to cut a promo himself. They end up having their IC title match NOW.

Randy Orton Vs Shelton Benjamin – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

So Orton is thrown off his game by having this match start early, allowing Benjamin to dictate the early going of the match, while the fans are BEHIND ORTON. LOL. Nice to see those wins over HHH helped Shelton .

HUGE MOTHERFUCKING POP FOR THE NATURE BOY~! Flair seemingly just decides to come down to ringside because… WOOOOOO! Orton is in control by this point too btw, so he ain’t there to help.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? I *think* Orton hit a European Uppercut… but Shelton apparently thought it was something else because it looked like he took a different move entirely .

ORTON WITH A BATISTA BOMB INTO A NECKBREAKER… WITHOUT BATISTA~! Always liked that move. Does he still do it? I don’t pay much attention to his matches these days and I don’t recall him doing it in the few I have seen recently .

HEADLOCK~!

FEELING SLEEPY~!

BORING~!

YAWN~!

Shelton’s comeback is pretty cool, he does an awesome EXPLODER SHOULDER TACKLE.

STINGER SPLASH~! T-BONE~! FLAIR PUTS ORTON’S FOOT ON THE ROPES~!

STINGER SPLASH TO FLAIR~! Ha, totally thought Shelton was gonna do a Sharpshooter aka Scorpion Death Lock too, but he did a Figure Four instead. No BLACK STING tonight . Wait… BLACK SCORPION? MIND. BLOWN.

CROSS BODY~! ORTON ROLLS THROUGH~! 3 COUNT~!

This was all good except for Orton boring the shit out of everyone with that fucking headlock.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

Trish Stratus Vs Lita Vs Gail Kim Vs Victoria – WWE Women’s Championship Match

TRISH still in that FAP FAP outift.

LITA LOOKING ALL FAP.

Cannot be arsed with the match though .

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

The Coach Vs Eugene

I…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

Chris Benoit Vs Kane – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Thank FUCK for this. Knowing what’s still to come in the main event, and the crap I’ve made sure to avoid so far, I’m looking forward to watching something GOOD.

How many people is Kane feuding with at this time btw? Matt Hardy was thrown out of the building earlier to make sure he didn’t interfere in this match. The build up for Eugene/Coach was mainly based around Coach getting Kane to attack Eugene. And of course there is this match too lol. KANE IS A FEUD SLUT~!

Kane attacked Benoit in the tag title match earlier, costing Benoit the possibility of being a double champion, and hurting him going into this match. So Benoit wants to FUCK KANE UP.

Love the story going into this match, revolving around the fact that most of Benoit’s offence WON’T WORK on Kane. We see it early on with Benoit trying to grab the arm and take Kane down, but Kane launches the champ across the ring instead.

“GET UP FLY BOY!” Benoit is FLY!!!

Benoit tries for a German, and Kane screams “NOOOO!!” then elbows Benoit in the face .

Sharpshooter attempt, but Kane powers out of it, then powers out of an attempted Crossface too! They are really working the story perfectly .

*sigh* for all the good stuff this match has, as usual it gets tainted a little by a damn REST HOLD. Hell even the commentators are so bored Lawler starts asking JR how Benoit lost his tooth. JR doesn’t know. I do . His dog headbutted him.

Once they get out of the rest spot crap, we can get back to stuff. In fact the FIRST THING Benoit does after escaping the hold is try to single leg takedown Kane, but Kane blocks it and knocks Benoit down, keeping in with the story of the match!

Going face first into the ring post gives the Crippler a chance to wear down the BIG RED MONSTER, with a bunch of shots to the knee of the big man! Attempted Sharpshooter once more, but Kane is STILL able to power out! MOAR leg work, including Kane getting caught up in the ropes, and Benoit FINALLY locks in the submission!!! Nice pay off to something they’ve been building all match, but remember, this ISN’T Benoit’s main submission finisher.

GERMANS~! Another example of how Benoit has finally worn down Kane enough to start hitting his offence, the same offence that Kane said Benoit couldn’t use on him!!!

But Kane is still pretty damn UNSTOPPABLE. Even after the triple German suplexes, he sits up before Benoit can climb the ropes for a headbutt! ANOTHER 3 GERMAN’S~! HEADBUTT~! KANE IS DOWN! KANE IS DOWN!!!

NO!!! KANE SITS UP AGAIN!!!

Benoit cannot fucking believe it, so it’s time to bring out the BIG stuff. Crossface… no! Kane is still able to power out! CHOKESLAM~!

1~!

2~!

BENOIT KICKS OUT!!! HOLY FUCK .

Now it’s KANE’S turn to be shocked.

FLYING CLOTHESLINE… COUNTERED INTO A CROSSFACE~! Beautiful! Benoit was still unable to take Kane down and lock it in normally, so he used one of Kane’s own signature moves against him!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT~! KANE POWERS OUT OF IT AGAIN!!!

Benoit keeps hold of Kane, and rolls him up instead! 3 count!!! Benoit wins!!! Still the champ!!!

Dull rest hold aside, this rules . But you already knew that . I know I did. Might watch their Raw rematch to see which I prefer. Always remember it being just as good.

Kane’s best match? Well… I’m still partial to his WM 14 match with Taker, but this is right up there too.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

Triple H Vs Shawn Michaels – Hell in a Cell Match

HHH claims he’s never lost a HIAC match. I guess he just didn’t win the 6 man from 2000, right?

Oh god look at how long is left on this show. Who the FUCK watched their previous PPV matches from 02 to now and thought “Hey, I know, let’s give them FIFTY FUCKING MINUTES! IT’LL BE GREAT!”? Some retard that’s for sure.

With video package and entrances, this is an HOUR. An hour of TRIPLE H. Vs HBK. Well, I guess now I will finally know the answer to the question “which is worse? HBK/Bret Iron Man or HHH/HBK HIAC?”. Yey.

Urgh, very SLOW AND SLUGGISH brawling to start things off. Benoit/Kane match started with more HATE~! than this. I mean fuck, I swear these guys are in slow motion. In fact, that might explain why this match is so long! It’s ACTUALLY only 25 minutes long, but it’s running at half speed! Wow… even 25 minutes sounds awful though .

Yey methodical back work inside HIAC. Just what the fans wanted…

I’m about 15 minutes into this thing and bored shitless.

OMG WAIT PILEDRIVER ON THE STEEL STEPS .

FUCKING HELL. HHH COUNTERED IT. FUCK YOU HUNTER.

2 SHOTS TO THE HEAD WITH THE STEEL STEPS~! HBK IS FUCKED!

HHH makes the cover and… DAMMIT HBK KICKED OUT.

WHY WON’T THIS END?

Bunch of chair shorts while they both fall down and sleep in between them. BECAUSE THIS IS EPIC.

And now a ladder. Because it makes sense to waste time getting out a ladder which is awkward to use rather than just stick with the steel chair…

ELBOW DROP OFF THE LADDER THROUGH A TAble… bah I cant even pretend to be excited by this. I’m starting to go into a trance brought on by sheer boredom.

Shawn just kicked out of something. The fans went crazy so I assume it was something big. I have no idea. I’m WATCHING the screen but not really seeing it.

Rated R Souper Kick.

Pedigree Chum.

I think the match is finally over. Both guys aren’t moving so I assume one won and is now resting while the other is beaten and also resti… oh wait no. They just decided to nap in the middle of the ring.

Shawn eats some more Pedigree Chum. He doesn’t like it though and HHH wins.

I think I’m blind.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

Overall CAL SCALE – 4