Author: Big Cal

1992 Royal Rumble

Mean Gene gets the job of running down the RR match competitors. Better than the last loser, but still not as good as Vince.

Match 1 – The New Hart Foundation Vs The Orient Express – New Hart Foundation are Neidhart and Owen Hart, since Bret has gone all singles on us. Last year the OE had a tremendous match with The Rockers. Don’t expect the same greatness, but Owen is solid at least this early on and Jim is… well he’s ok in tag matches. Fun early going, with Owen utilising his speed then bringing in The Anvil to back him up with the power. The OE are off their game because of this, so they are forced to cheat in order to gain the advantage. A cheap shot here, followed by Fuji using his walking stick, and poor Owen is in trouble. Oh shit, MIDNIGHT EXPRESS REFERENCE. Right after one of the worst superkicks I’ve ever seen. Hmmm… a subtle knock on a certain wrestler’s “martial arts”? Guessing only about 5 people will get that. And I doubt any of them will even read this. So yeah. LOL. Owen Hart isn’t a nice person here. He broke poor old Fuji’s walking stick by running shoulder first into it! How is poor Mr Fuji supposed to walk around now? Did Owen just not think of who it would effect when he did it? And the OE are the heels in this match! SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. Very different match to the Rockers one last year, but still good. Hot tag is good, and the finish sees Anvil launch Owen from the ropes onto one of the OE for the win. ***1/2.

Oh god, Lord Alfred Hayes. He might be the worst wrestler turned commentator/interviewer. He’s a terrible talker. I didn’t even know he was a former wrestler when I heard him on commentary the first time because he’s absolutely terrible at understanding the story of matches, has no idea what moves are called, and did I mention he’s terrible? He explains to us the IC title situation. Bret was ill, so The Mountie beat him for the belt. Roddy Piper came down to help Bret, and The Mountie attacks him, leading to Mountie Vs Piper for the belt tonight. The Mountie cuts a pretty good promo, and looks hilarious holding the mountie taser stick thingy like it’s a gun. Piper cuts a great promo. He basically calls Mountie gay.

Match 2 – The Mountie Vs Rowdy Roddy Piper – The Mountie isn’t a great singles wrestler. Piper isn’t the kind of guy who can carry someone to a good match. I smell a stinker of a match coming up! Either that or I need the loo real bad. Perhaps even both. Thankfully it doesn’t last long. Piper wins the IC title, his first title in the WWF, and would be his only title I believe until like, 2006/7 or something where he won the tag belts with Flair! LMFAO at the noise the taser makes. 1/4*

COLISEUM VIDEO EXCLUVE! ALFRED HAYES. He’s interviewing Hogan, who cuts probably the least energetic promo of his career.

A real interviewer now; Mean Gene. Shame he’s with the Bushwhackers. And Jameson  the retard.

Match 3 – The Bushwhackers Vs The Beaverly Brothers – Nope.

Match 4 – The Natural Disasters Vs The Legion of Doom – Tag Title match time! Damn, 3 tag matches on one PPV. It’s the WM 2000 of the RR PPV’s. Earthquake with DAT DROPKICK. Shame Hawk moved out of the way. Early going sees both teams really just push each other around and see who is stronger lol. Just when you think the Disasters are gonna control the match, LOD come back because yeah, they don’t like taking a beating regardless of who their opponents are. Well, Animal at least lol. Hawk lets them get some decent offence in without just firing back with a clothesline like nothing happened to him. Match ends in a countout. No title change. Boo. Match was alright. We see some of the worst chairshots ever by LOD afterwards. **.

Usual interviews before the RR match.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – For the first time since the RR started, the winner actually GETS SOMETHING. And for the only time in history so far, the WWF Title is on the line! LOL Jack Tunney gets booed. He decides to welcome everyone to the RR event. A BIT LATE, MORON. #1 is the Bulldog, and #2 is Ted DiBiase. DiBiase has entered this early before and lasted a while, so he knows what it takes to go the distance. Except he gets eliminated before #3 comes out. Though I doubt anyone will win this match from such a low number anyway… oh hey Ric Flair #3! I wonder how well he does haha. Still no entrance music btw. Heenan’s commentary along with Flair’s performance work together to make this THE greatest RR match ever. On top of that you have perhaps the most star studded match ever too. Flair, Hogan, Savage, Piper, Sid, Undertaker, Slaughter, Bulldog, HBK, Roberts, Snuka, Von Erich, Valentine, DiBiase and Iron Shiek. HALF of the match are top names. HALF. *****.

1991 Royal Rumble

American national anthem to start things off because this takes place during the Gulf War. Someone other than Vince announces the name for the RR. He sucks. He also announces all the other matches that take place. For Warrior Vs Slaughter, it just shows a close-up of Slaughter caressing a boot. Awesome.

Match 1 – The Orient Express Vs The Rockers – Fuck yes. A tremendous tag match to kick off the RR. If you haven’t seen this one yet, then watch it. Now. Stop reading this and go fucking watch it. NOW. Don’t bother with their WM match a couple of months later, THIS is the one you need to see. Plenty of time given to this, and we kinda get 2 tag matches in one. The STF (Southern Tag Formula) that most tag matches follow (because it works) can be simplified down to: Babyface shine period at the start, heel control segment, hot tag, finish. In this match, we get the babyface shine period, heel control segment, hot tag… and then they go back into a heel control segment. And I fucking love it. Just when you think the match is starting to finish, they go back a step and add some unpredictability to the whole thing so we will never be sure when the match will actually end. It’s still using the STF, but making it so it isn’t the exact same as other tag matches. Shawn takes a great beating which is no surprise because he’s a great FIP (face in peril), and when the hot tag comes, MARTY GO BANANAS and so do the fans. And guess what? The heels still manage to get back control of the match! More awesome tag action :D. Finally the Rockers pick up the win. Incredible tag match, possibly a top 10 tag match in company history.  Can think of 5 better off the top of my head… no 6… might be missing one or two though. ****1/4.

Savage backstage, saying he doesn’t care who wins the WWF Title match. If Slaughter wins, he guarantees Savage will be #1 contender. Warrior hasn’t made the same commitment, but Sensational Sherri is gonna try and bate Warrior into doing the same. She tries to come on to him. He wants nothing to do with her. Even when she gets down on her knees in front of him. Savage is pissed. He runs to attack Warrior but he’s long gone.

Match 2 – The Barbarian Vs The Big Bossman – BOSSMAN’S OLD THEME!!! That’s a good start. Wonder if I’ll enjoy this match, since I hated it before, but ended up loving the Hacksaw match from the previous year. Barb is one of those few guys in the wrestling business that are usually mentioned as being a tough bastard you wouldn’t want to mess with. Not as much as Meng, but he’s up there. FACES OF FEAR. Bossman looks like he’s lost a TON of weight, especially if you were to look at him from 2 years ago in the RR match as part of the Twin Towers team. Well, it’s no Duggan/Bossman from last year. Starts off enjoyable, then Barb controls and well, he’s a little dull. BEAR HUG. Followed by a BEAR HUG. They do some spots near the end where Barb looks to have Bossman finished, but he gets his foot on the rope. Then Bossman looks to have things won and Barb… can’t quite reach the ropes LOL. He barely touches the bottom rope so they just say it counts. Bossman wins. Started good, ended alright, middle part was dull. **.

Slaughter promo. Then Warrior made loud noises.

Match 3 – The Ultimate Warrior Vs Sgt Slaughter – WWF Title is on the line. Early parts are good, because Slaughter is a great bumper. Then he gains control, and Warrior is a terrible bumper and terrible seller. BEAR HUG. That’s all I fucking need. Camel Clutch at one point is the most stupid thing ever, as Warrior is half under the bloody ropes. And the ref doesn’t notice for about 20 seconds. Somehow being in the Camel Clutch (one of the most devastating submission holds back in the day) enables Warrior to make a comeback and act like nothing happened. WRESTLING. LOGIC. FUCK YEAH. Sherri comes down, gets launched onto Savage. Savage wallops Warrior with his sceptre and… NEW WORLD CHAMPION. NEW WORLD CHAMPION. Do the fans feel for Warrior? Nah, HOGAN chants instead. This match was bad. *.

Match 4 – Koko B. Ware Vs  The Mountie – CLASSIC. That’s a word that should never, ever, ever be used to describe this match. Best part of this match is Jimmy Hart taunting Koko’s bird. DUD.

Savage is being interviewed. Warrior tries to break his door down. Savage runs.

Usual RR competitors do promos thing. Could you imagine them doing this today? Fuck, we’d get about 29 god awful promos lol. Hmmm… seems like a lot of time left still for just the RR match. Have I forgotten something?

Match 5 – Dusty & Dustin Rhodes Vs Ted DiBiase & Virgil – Yeah, I forgot this. Hopefully I can forget it again. *.

Hogan promo, and LMFAO, half way in Mean Gene “gets an exclusive scoop” that Slaughter has defaced the American Flag. OMG NOOOOO NOT A FLAG! THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE IT HURTS! THERE’S… UMMM… AND THAT OTHER… ITS A FUCKING FLAG.

Match 6 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Bret Hart and Dino Bravo are #1 and #2. Canada Vs Canada. Bret gets entrance music. Bravo gets entrance music. Could THIS be the Rumble where everyone gets entrance music? We’ll see. No idea why I care so much about that lol. But I do. Aaaannnnd… nobody else gets entrance music. Bah! SAMBA SIMBA! What a legend. Tony Atlas for those who don’t remember. Or want to remember. What a gimmick lol. Jake Roberts is fucking OVER. And he didn’t get a main event run with Hogan because of that fact. Yeah, someone DIDN’T get a main event run because they were over. Fucking Hogan. Oh noes someone is getting cheered over me. CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN. So instead Jake is having to feud with guys lower on the card, and during this time its Martel. Martel isn’t bad, but his model gimmick was shit. And this all leads to a blindfold match at WM. It’s not terrible, but it isn’t good either. THE UNDERTAKER. His first RR match. 16 years later he’d finally win one. He enters and immediately throws out Bret Hart. Texas Tornado seems obsessed with taking out Undertaker. Eventually Undertaker gets away from him and goes to work on Snuka, who would be his WM opponent in a few months, where Undertaker would begin the EPIC Streak. Shane Douglas! He’s not a teacher though, so he’ll never be a star. They count down for another entry and… nobody. Didn’t know Benoit was part of the company at this time! Just kidding, it was supposed to be Savage, but he ran out of the area cos Warrior was after him. Funny though, you could see someone ABOUT to come out, and he had red on him, perhaps Animal of the LOD. And who actually does come out next? Animal. Of LOD. Ha. With both LOD in the ring they can no doubt cause some chaos, and they actually manage to eliminate Undertaker! Probably the most credible way for him to go out other than being eliminated by Hogan. Earthquake is again a big threat in this match, bigger than last year because he’s just coming off a big feud with Hogan (they actually had a singles match at SummerSlam). Bushwhacker Luke comes in at #27 and is involved in one of my all time favourite eliminations ever. He does that Bushwhacker march down to the ring…gets in, gets grabbed by Earthquake who walks him to the other side, throws him out, and he continues marching to the back like nothing happened! WARLORD. I’ve said it in the past and I’ll say it again; he looks like a roided up Steve Austin. #30 is… TUGBOAT. More like TUGOAT, right? I’m betting money on this guy. He’s the last guy in and he’s big and fat. Definitely in line for a monster push towards the title, yeah? Hogan eliminates him. TO START THEIR EPIC FEUD, RIGHT? Nah, tag team with Earthquake. WHO IS JUST FINISHING HIS FEUD WITH HOGAN, SO HOGAN TEAMS WITH WARRIOR, RIGHT? Nah. Martel finally gets eliminated by Bulldog. He lasted over 50 minutes, a new record, beating DiBiase from last year. And Bulldog’s reward for finally eliminating him? Being thrown out straight after. LOL. Hogan is now left with Knobbs and Earthquake. Hogan eventually overcomes the odds and wins of course. He’s the big American hero and this was during the Gulf War. Awesome match anyway. One of my all time favourites. I didn’t really start watching until 1993, but I still have fond memories of so many of the guys in this one because they were either still going in 1993, or were in the WWF Annual 1992 book that I had (and still have) and would constantly read through lol. ****.

1990 Royal Rumble

Another RR opens with Vince announcing the participants HUUUUNKY TUNK MAN. KUKU B WARE. HULK WHOOOGAN.

Tony Schiavone and Ventura on commentary. I remember when I first bought the RR Anthology (best DVD purchase EVER btw) and couldn’t believe Tony Schiavone was on commentary. Never knew before then that he was in the WWF.

Match 1 – The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers Vs The Bushwhackers – Oh joy, The Bushwhackers. Or the Marching Morons as Ventura calls them. Rougeau’s are pretty great, but The Bushwhackers suck giant balls. Which is a shame because I hear they were great outside of the WWF (like so many around this time. Koko B Ware, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Butch Reed and many more). One of the Bushwhackers bites the ref in the arse. And doesn’t get DQ’d. BIAS REF. Fans are going fucking INSANE btw. Bushwhackers were TERRIBLE in the WWF but damn were they over. This is terrible in general. Very much a fan interaction/comedy/entertaining type of match with plenty of SCHTICK that usually I could get behind and have a ton of fun with even if the wrestling wasn’t up to par, but fuck, I just hate the Bushwhacker SCHTICK. The Bushwhackers even win. And the ref gets licked. Told ya he was biased! 1/4*

Mean Gene is backstage with DiBiase, and apparently there have been security measures taken so that poor Ted can’t buy a better number like last year. He ends up with #1. Being #1 is a golden OPERTUMINITY for DiBiase to prove how great he is by winning from that position.

Match 2 – The Genius Vs Brutus The Barber Beefcake – No. I’m not watching this. I never have and I never will. I looked up my old review of this show and I didn’t watch it then either. So no. Not happening. Fuck off.

Backstage the Heenan Family are arguing over who is gonna win the RR.

Match 3 – Rugged Ronnie Garvin Vs Greg The Hammer Valentine – I Quit/Submission match here. Always loved this one. A real hard hitting STIFF match between two guys who are good at that style. Some fucking great punches thrown. Valentine is stupid. Tries to get a 3 count at one point. In the most homo cover ever. Then Valentine goes for another cover. Slightly less homo but still a little on the gay side lol. How does Garvin counter? With a pin attempt of his own. LOL. I’m sure people would see that as a negative on the match, but like Ventura says, the wrestlers are so conditioned to pinning people in matches that its almost instinct. And we didn’t see many submission only matches back then, so I can buy it. Besides, the fucking STIFFNESS of this match makes up for it. There is a nice story throughout the match revolving around the Figure Four, with Valentine using a leg brace to aid his version of the FF, while Garvin has one of his own to prevent the move from affecting him (the HAMMER JAMMER)! So Valentine has to change his game plan and utilise other holds. A great match. Some people won’t like it, but fuck those people. Its two tough guys beating the shit out of each other. What’s NOT to love? Oh, no moonsaults for no reason? No flippy shit for random pops? Awwwww sowwy. ***3/4.

Mr Perfect gets interviewed, and he says he drew the PERFECT NUMBER. Number 30 of course. He’s gonna win! Right?

Brother Love is in the ring. This can’t be good. He brings out Sensational Sherry. After talking about some shit for a while first of course, but christ knows if I could make out what the fuck he was saying. They spent a while insulting Sapphire (Dusty’s random fat black women manager for those who don’t remember or choose not to remember lol) before introducing her. I think this might be the worst “interview” segment of all time. Savage shows up at some point. Dusty for the save. This lasted what seemed like forever. I feel dirty for watching the whole thing.

Match 4 – The Big Bossman Vs Hacksaw Jim Duggan – THEY DUBBED OVER BOSSMAN’S THEME. THOSE BASTARDS. I’m going to Youtube. HE CARRIES A BIG STICK, A BALL AND CHAIN TOO. Ahhh, much better! Sadly this would be the first of many absolutely horrible matches Bossman would be involved in during the RR PPV’s. Then again, I may have underrated this. I’ve grown to like 2 big guys beating the fuck out of each other over the years since I last saw this, and so far for the first couple of minutes I’ve been enjoying this. Duggan was a great brawler pre-WWF, and Bossman was a good big man in his early days in the WWF and did some good stuff in WCW a couple of years later too (a certain match with VADER is awesome). Hacksaw can clearly be seen asking the ref to come do the arm raising thing while he’s in a bearhug lol. There’s an awesome bit where the ref is telling Bossman off and pushing him back away from Duggan, and at the exact same time Slick (who can’t be seen on camera) is saying something to Duggan like “that’ll teach you boy” and I actually thought the ref was saying it to Bossman! Bossman uses his BIG STICK to deck Duggan, the ref sees it and DQ’s him. Duggan returns the favour and decks Bossman with his 2×4. Damn, this was good. How the FUCK did I hate it before? Oh yeah, I was retarded. Duh. ***

A bunch of RR guys all talking about the RR match. Everyone back then was sooo damn excited compared to today. I think the drugs helped. Anyone else think Rick Martel looks like Stallone? ARRGHGH WARRIOR ANHDHDYRRH WARRIOR ASJHSYRIHG COMBAT. Ha, Martel looks like Stallone, Warrior sounds like him.

Match 5 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – Ted DiBiase is #1 of course, and gets no music. Koko is #2… and gets music. BIASED COMPANY. This is also the first RR where people get music during their entrance. Why can’t babyfaces feel pain in their head when its rammed into something? The bird man flies… out of the ring. Ha, Jannetty also flies out of the ring. DiBiase is using my tactic when I play wrestling games. Empty the ring and take on everyone one at a time. Though back when I first started playing RR matches in games there were 4 guys in the ring to start off. How the fuck did they screw something up that bad lol? Jake Roberts is out next followed by Randy Savage. Damn. 3 truly awesome wrestlers in the ring at the same time. Screw the RR, TRIPLE THREAT. A bunch of big names continue to fill the ring; Bret Hart, Dusty Rhodes, Roddy Piper, Andre the Giant, Bad News Brown (to an extent)… and then Red Rooster shows up. LOL. Just realised… only Koko got entrance music for this thing. Guess it’s NOT the first RR with entrance music. Except for Koko. See, THIS is why he’s a HOFer! Earthquake is put over as one of the major threats in the match. He’s currently feuding with Hogan I think. Why? Because he’s big and fat. If you were that in the WWF back then, odds are you’d get a run with Hogan lol. These days you get a dancing gimmick and start to job after a couple of months! Earthquake gets eliminated. Maybe I’m confused and he hasn’t started feuding with Hogan yet. I must be thinking of the 1991 RR match. That match is awesome. This has been good so far though too! AAHRHRTGYRBSBSDBBFHFBG GBGHB!!! ITS THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR! He botches within 10 seconds of entering the ring. WOO NEXT WORLD CHAMPION! Warrior eliminates DiBiase who managed to stay in for about 47 minutes or something. WHEN IT COMES CRASHING DOWN AND IT HURTS INSIDE! HULK HOGAN! HULK HOGAN! Time to clear the ring of jobbers and Haku so we can get the epic staredown between Hogan and Warrior. Much more successful than the Orton/Cena staredown a few years ago that got ZERO reaction and made me legit burst out laughing at like 3:30am while watching live. NOBODY CARES ABOUT ORTON AND CENA LOL. Rude and Barbarian are next in and eliminate Warrior… who attacks them in the ring then runs off! Seriously, he gets in the ring, knocks them both down… then RUNS AWAY. #30, the perfect one! Probably should have won since Hogan is the champ and didn’t need the win in any conceivable way… but Hogan lost last year and he ain’t losing twice in a row! Winning, yes, but not losing. SPOILER FOR NEXT YEAR OOPS. Hogan wins. Not too pleased with that but whatever. Match is good, really fun, tons of big names too. Best RR match so far. ***1/2.

1989 Royal Rumble

First RR event to be on PPV this time instead of a TV special.

Starts with Vince running down all the names of the RR competitors in that famous VINCE VOICE. There’s one point where Ron Bass comes on the screen and Vince is just QUIET. Takes him about 10 seconds to remember who the fuck this guy was!

Match 1 -The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo Vs The Hart Foundation & Jim Duggan -2 out of 3 falls – Great way to kick off the 1989 RR. Something of a favourite match of mine, to go with the other 1098474874646 favourite matches I have lol. Nice to see Bravo involved in something other than a 17 minute bullshit weight lifting contest. First fall is something too special, but Bret takes the pin and becomes the FIP for the second fall and he does a great job of taking a beating while the heels do a nice job of working him over. Hot tag to Duggan is great because Hacksaw is over as FUCK. The heels get knocked around, then everyone gets confused as Anvil goes for a cover, then Bret goes for a cover before Hacksaw remembers HE is the legal man and finally decides to make the cover and get the win to even this one out at 1 fall apiece. The third fall involves Hacksaw getting mauled in a number of 3 on 1 attacks… until Bravo pretty much throws Duggan into his own corner so he can make a tag lol. Match ends when Duggan CHEATS and decks Bravo in the back with his 2×4 and sneakily hides it behind his back while Bret covers. Gotta love them babyfaces!!! Great tag match using the time tested STF to perfection. ***1/2.

We go backstage now to see Ted DiBiase draw out his number and he does NOT look happy. He calls over Slick to try and make a deal. Bushwhackers draw their numbers, both are great apparently… and then they swap. Because they are special. HTM draws and hates it. Bad News Brown is super happy with his. Demolition claim they are in for a long night. Jake Roberts doesn’t seem to give anything away. Rockers just wish each other good luck.

Well, one match and then some backstage stuff, so I guess we should have another mat… LOL NO. POSEDOWN! Rick Rude posing against The Ultimate Warrior. Rude takes a while to prepare for the 4th pose, and Warrior is apparently frustrated so he jumps into the middle of the ring and just starts screaming. UURGHGHGHGHGH ARRGHGHURUGHGHGHGH. I think he was cutting a promo. So much for not wasting this amount of time on a PPV. The weight lifting shit was terrible and long but also on TV so it’s sort of a little kinda unforgiveable. People have PAID to see this. Rude attacks Warrior during the final pose. WHY DID HE HAVE TO WAIT ALL THIS TIME? Urgh. This whole thing lasts about 15 minutes, almost as long as the weight lifting shit from last year. AND WE DIDN’T EVEN GET A WINNER. THE ENTIRE THING WAS POINTLESS. ARRRGGHHH! Warrior then attacks all the referees and officials that came out to help him. Wow, the babyfaces are really acting like pricks so far!

Match 2 – Rockin’ Robin Vs Judy Martin – Women’s title on the line! Sensational Sherri challenges the winner before the match starts claiming she’s more women than either of them. God this was slow and dull. Lasted less than 7 minutes. Felt like I was watching the weight lifting thing again. 1/2*.

Slick and the Twin Towers are backstage getting interviewed. Akeem just stands and “dances” which is just him moving his arm the same way over and over again. Bossman just has a rapey look on his face while holding his nightstick. Disturbing. Interview with Rude. Ok. Fuji cuts a promo. He claims he’s gonna be the winner of the Rumble. Through the Powers of Pain obviously. Elizabeth gets interviews. She’s hot. And apparently doesn’t support her husband as much as she should. She doesn’t want to choose between Savage and Hogan! Jimmy Hart claims HTM or Valentine will win. And something about a bull horn.

Ventura sits on the King’s Throne to set up the next match. He says he likes the throne and thinks he should run for King. He sure has changed his mind over the years. First he wants to be King, now he’s thinking of being President!

Match 3 – King Haku Vs Harley Race – Current King Vs former King. Winner becomes the true King of the WWF and the toughest bastard on the planet! It’s a little slow and definitely gonna be one of those matches most people won’t like at all, but over the years I’ve learnt to appreciate matches like this a little more than I used to. It ain’t no classic and I ain’t gonna claim it to be, but I enjoy it a ton. Watching both guys hit each other as hard as they can with headbutts and punches to the face and chest chops is something you will either love or hate. Highlight though is Bobby Heenan on the outside cheering on whoever happens to be in control of the match at the time lol. Monsoon calls Haku a master of the martial arts which might be as big of a joke as when they say the same thing about Steamboat. Any time he chops Race he gets called a martial artist lol. Ironically, the big super kick that ENDS THE MATCH and gets Haku the win doesn’t inspire Monsoon to mention anything about being a master of martial arts! The King of the Ring tournament should have been a shoot like Brawl for All, with the finalist having to face the reigning King every year. That way Haku could still be the King. ***.

More backstage interviews. Brutus “the worst of all time” Beefcake is over excited. Valentine sounds dull as shit. As if the Fuji promo earlier wasn’t bad enough… he cuts ANOTHER ONE only this time Demolition are breathing heavy next to him. Master Fuji is still gonna be the winner btw. John Studd talks. I don’t listen. MR PERFECT. RANDY SAVAGE. Savage is champion. What’s the incentive for even being in this match? I mean, Hacksaw won it last year… and he’s opening the show in a 6 man tag. I don’t remember him getting a shot at Hogan or Savage for the title either in the last year. So why even bother lol? DiBiase gets interviewed and is asked about the conversation with Slick earlier. Mean Gene does his best not to laugh when he claims he wouldn’t question his integrity. ARN~! He’s with Tully, Heenan and Andre. They say stuff but who cares? ARN FUCKING ANDERSON. The look on ARN’S face when Andre says they’d better not get in his way is amazing. Hogan cuts a coked up promo as usual. Seriously, he HAD to have been on something when he did these. He’s waaaay too pumped up.

Match 4 – 30 man Royal Rumble Match – The first 30 man Rumble! And with everyone coming in every 2 minutes, this one is gonna last around an hour. #1 is… HERE COMES THE AX… of Demolition. #2 is… AND HERE COMES THE SMASHER… of Demolition. They may be tag partners, but they’re also stupid, so they attack each other. Wouldn’t it make more sense to team up and eliminate everyone one by one, and THEN fight each other when they are the only 2 left? Nah, that’d be boring. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!! Well they’ll HAVE to work together now, because #3 is none other than Andre THE BOSS Giant. He would eventually be eliminated by… well himself, after Jake Roberts brings a snake in the ring. What a sore loser Jake is. He’s still awesome though. Lol, only in the RR match can you see someone like Bushwhacker Luke beating up Hulk Hogan. Oh hey, WARLORD! Oh, he’s gone already. Hogan dominates and manages to clear the ring of everyone including his own tag partner at the time, Randy Savage! Savage is fucking pissed, so Liz has to step in and make them be friends again. They hug it out (TEAM FRIENDSHIP). So after that impressive display from the Hulkster, he’s probably gonna win the whole thing, right? Nah, thrown out by Bossman and Akeem. LOL. But at least Hogan is a good sport about it… nah, eliminates Bossman illegally. WHAT A GUY. Come to think of it, Hogan is a bit of a cunt in RR matches. Just in this one alone he eliminated his tag partner and illegally threw someone out. In 1992 he would get eliminated by Sid, and then illegally eliminate him too. Yet somehow, he remains the face… Anywho, the guy that goes on to win is… Big John Stud. A Rumble match with the likes of Hogan, Savage, Andre, Jake Roberts, Mr Perfect, Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard and more… and Big John Stud wins. LOL. Fun match though. I enjoy it. ***.

Its my favourite time of the year wrestling wise; THE ROYAL RUMBLE. So to kick start my Road to Royal Rumble, every single day starting now up until the 27th (date for the 2013 RR) I will be posting my ramblings on each RR event! 25 days, 25 RR events! Then on the 28th, I will post my review of the 2013 Royal Rumble event! Of course I’ll also have some videos up between now and then as well :).

So to kick start the RTRR, my ramblings on the first ever RR event in 1988 (please note, these “ramblings” aren’t like my usual reviews. They originally started out as notes for a video I wanted to do, but I ended up fleshing them out so I could post them as written content instead lol)!!!

1988 Royal Rumble

Not a PPV, instead a TV special on the USA Network.

Match 1 – Rick Rude Vs Ricky Steamboat – There is a women in the front row with a megaphone screaming abuse at Rude all throughout the match, with the “Rudey Rudey Rudey” chant being my favourite. Nice arm work from Steamboat, Rude sells very well, especially once he regains control of the match and tries to pose but can’t raise his left arm. He attempts to pose a couple of times before he is able to do it. Match ends with a DQ after Rude pulls the referee in front of Steamboat who is coming off the ropes with a cross body. Rude gets Steamboat in the Rude Awakening submission hold and believes he wins when the bell rings, and even leaves the ring believing he has won until they finally announce that he got DQ’d. Good lengthy match between the two, though I can see people not enjoying it as much as me because it is a little slow, but never dull imo. ***1/4.

Dino Bravo attempts to break a world record with a Bench Press of 715lb. He starts off at 415, then goes to 505, 555, 595, 655 and does it easily. Then he gets to the record weight of 715lb and does it with help from Jesse Ventura who was his spotter. Frenchy, Bravo’s manager just saying shit in French all the time was somewhat amusing, but this segment lasted 17 minutes. The same amount of time as the Steamboat/Rude match. It was terrible. Good job this wasn’t a PPV because people would have probably demanded a refund.

Match 2 – Glamour Girls Vs Jumping Bomb Angels – 2 out of 3 falls – LMAO McMahon and Ventura don’t even know the names of the Jumping Bomb Angels from Japan. They call them “Red and Pink” for most of the match because of the colour of their outfits. Gotta love when the announcers don’t even know the names of the competitors in a match. Really gets you into it… That being said, this match is genuinely really good. I’d put it as a top 5 women’s match in WWF/E history. It’s THAT good. Well ok, even having it as a top 5 women’s match in WWF/E isn’t saying too much because outside of some matches involving Trish, Lita and Mickie, the division has sucked for the better part of forever. Women’s tag titles are on the line here too. No idea when women’s title tiles came about or where they went. Kinda like the actual women’s title. Sometimes it would show up, sometimes it would disappear for a decade. Shame, because if they could have found more teams like these two, they could have had a really good division. Ah well, I’ll just be happy that we got this. Nice change from Rude/Steamboat’s slower match, with both teams running around and jumping around etc. Plus the crowd needed something to get them going again after 17 minutes of Dino Bravo weightlifting. Plenty of great moves in this match too, including a lot of things I’ve rarely ever seen since, by women OR men. Love 2 out of 3 tag matches. Should happen more… but then again I don’t want to see the majority of tag teams go 1 fall these days. This gets 15 minutes, so again another lengthy match. Something that not only do we never get with diva matches nowadays, but something I don’t think I’d WANT to see these days. ***1/4.

Another segment now to break up the matches, and it’s a contract signing between Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant for their WM 3 rematch that will take place on Feb 5th (Saturday Night’s Main Event? I forget, and they NEVER actually mention the name of the show, just the date lol). Gotta say, this might be one of the better contract signings ever… and neither man even cut a promo on each other. You have Jack Tunney (LMFAO at Tunney, what a fucking waste of space he is) making sure both men sign the contract, Mean Gene giving running commentary in the ring and Ted DiBiase mocking Hogan and saying how he’s gonna buy the title. Andre is an absolute fucking BOSS throughout this whole thing too. He comes out first and while waiting for Hogan to come out, just leans on the ropes and starts bouncing on them, hands in his pockets looking like the coolest guy ever. Then Hogan comes into the ring, sits down and waits for Andre, meanwhile Andre just keeps on bouncing on DEM ROPES. Finally he sits down, Hogan signs, and Andre… takes his time and reads the entire thing while DiBiase taunts Hogan who really puts Andre over as the biggest threat ever by looking pretty terrified that he’s actually signed to face him again. Andre signs, and smashes Hogan’s head into the table for good measure. Yeah, really enjoyed this tbh. Far better than the “Vince McMahon Masturbation Weight Lifting Segment” from before. Seriously, it probably lasted that long because Vince was jerking off to it.

Match 3 – 20 Man Royal Rumble Match – The first RR match! Sort of. They did a tryout of sorts on a house show the year before I believe, and it absolutely BOMBED, so they changed and tweaked some shit before putting the match on TV. I’d assume they tried the newer format out on a house show too… but yeah, who knows. One Man Gang was the winner of the 1987 Royal Rumble Match! Bret Hart and Tito Santana are #1 and #2. Oh man, there’s a kid on camera while THE FINK runs down the rules of the match, and he looks like he’s going to legit CRY out of confusion. Awesome. The match isn’t a classic Rumble, but it’s certainly fun. Starts off pretty good with talent like the Hart Foundation, Harley Race, Jake Roberts, Tito Santana, Butch Reed… then starts to go downhill with the likes of Danny Dangerous, One Man Gang, Sam Houston, Nikolai Volkoff and others. Good job this only lasted half an hour and was only 20 guys. Imagine another 10 jobbers and another 30 minutes! Oh yeah Duggan wins. **3/4.

Hogan promo! LMFAO at Hogan ripping off his shirt as he’s saying “When I think about you Andre”. Dirty Hogan! Bad Hogan! As bad as their matches together were, dammit, the build up and promos and whatnot we SO FUCKING GOOOOOOD. Makes me want to watch them even though I KNOW they suck.

Match 4 – The Islanders Vs The Young Stallions – 2 out of 3 falls – Urgh. Paul fucking Roma. I seriously despise him. He’s the Chavo Guerrero Jr of the 80’s/early 90’s. Except Roma was a Four Horseman. Chavo remained an absolute nobody. Jim Powers is also a nobody. The Islanders are Haku (aka the toughest bastard ever) and Tama, one of the lesser known/remembered Samoan wrestlers. He’s actually the brother of Umaga and Rikishi. Remember how I mentioned earlier about not wanting to see current teams in 2 out of 3 falls matches because they suck? Well the same can be said for this match. It’s terrible and aside from Haku, everyone in it fucking sucks. At least it’s the shortest match on the card, though still only 1 minute less than the women’s tag match which is infinitely better. Roma screws up a hip toss/arm drag move (not entirely sure what was supposed to happen), and Haku literally just powers him fucking over and slams him anyway. Nobody botches on Haku’s watch! Roma gets counted out for… first fall? Second fall? I don’t remember nor care. Anyway, Ventura always mocks referees about not being able to count past 3, so when the ref counts to 10 for a countout… Ventura claims he used his toes to go that far. I’m not sure Jesse realises how many FINGERS we have!

Oh man, this is classic. They actually STOP the tag match and have an interview with Andre and Ted DiBiase! You can see The Islanders in the ring in the background just waiting! That’s how fucking shitty the tag match is. They literally need to take a break in between so we can listen to Andre attempting a promo!

So we’re back for the second fall it seems… with Roma and Powers returning from the back! They seriously went backstage between falls? LOL. Roma is a retard. He has a bad knee that he injured when getting thrown out of the ring for the countout finish… so what does he do to block a splash? Gets his knees up. HUR DUH I PAUL ROMA I FOR HORSEYMAN. JESSE VENTURA SAY I NEED USE TOES TU COUNT TU FOR. Roma submits because his knee is fucked, and The Islanders win this one 2 straight falls. *1/4.