Global Warning Tour 2002 Ramblings

Posted on: May 25th, 2014 by Big Cal

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Global Warning Tour 2002

 

WWE invades the land down under. You better run, you better take cover.

Show kicks off with STEPHANIE FAP FAP MCMAHON. Also, I’m fairly certain commentary is dubbed over this whole thing lol. Damn, they ain’t been here for 18 years?

 

Rikishi Vs Rico – Kiss My Ass Match

Seriously… we had TWO Kiss My Ass matches on “PPV” in 02? LOL.

Dear god Cole actually asked Tazz to explain the rules of a KISS MY ASS match. Because it wasn’t clear, obviously. But now the orange midget explained it I totally understand!!!

Rico looks pretty good on offence for the whole minute or so he gets. Then he misses a HUGE and awesome looking moonsault and walks into a Samoan Drop. 1 2 3 and this is done. Time for Rico to get a face of ass.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Jamie Noble Vs The Hurricane – WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match

Before we get the match, we get some footage of Noble and Nidia learning to surf. Noble does NOT look comfortable :lmao. He actually does a good job though lol! And Nidia looks good in a wetsuit :p.

Noble in glasses is odd too. Doesn’t fit with his TRAILER PARK TRASH gimmick. In fact this whole video package doesn’t fit. Why do this with the HEELS? Surly it would have been better with Hurricane doing it? IN HIS COSTUME? I’d have fucking paid to see that lol.

Hurricane steamrolls over Noble to begin with, until Nidia shoves her tongue down his throat giving Noble time to recover lol. Lucky bastard!!! :p

Tazz “COLE I HEARD YA NIPPLES ARE PIERCED!”

Cole is baffled by Australian Football. He can’t work out how anyone scores. Kinda like his sex life 8*D.

Tazz “EVERY TIME I SEE A SMALL PACKAGE I THINK OF YOU, COLE!” :lmao

:lmao Cole “I don’t know if they play cricket over here…” :lmao.

:lmao Tazz has to ask if they speak English in Australia. Fuck me, I thought the commentary was terrible at the UK shows… but they REALLY went out of their way to be the worst here.

Standard match stuff for the most part until they go into a finishing stretch and we get some nice near falls and even finisher kick outs.

TOP ROPE SWINGING NECKBREAKER~!

Nidia plays her role well as usual throughout this whole thing, constantly being a difference maker, and contributes to the finish too. She’s usually the best part of the match lol. Hot too :p.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

:lmao an Australian calls Angle a bugger.

 

Lance Storm & Christian Vs Billy Kidman & Rey Mysterio – World Tag Team Championship Match

Someone shoot Tazz and Cole please.

Someone please shoot Tazz and Cole.

PLEASE SOMEONE SHOOT TAZZ AND COLE.

:lmao Rey flies around dominating everyone, then Christian pushes him off the top rope to the floor… and Rey just splats in front of some fat guy sat in a chair in the corner :lmao. I’m assuming he’s security but I just don’t know. He doesn’t look seems to care anyway :lmao.

Well fuck, this looked awesomely brutal:

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Rey is FIP, so this is pretty good as you would expect, but holy shit the commentary. It’s fucking terrible. And was recorded AFTER the show. So they had the chance to edit shit and re-do shit… and they thought THIS was the best way to go about it? Really? Arrghh!!!

Hot tag to Kidman and we get a cool finishing stretch. Kidman is on fire, Christian is trying to cheat, Storm is superkicking, and Rey is fucking REY MYSTERIO.

SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!!! 1…2… NEW CHAMPIONS NO! Christian pulls out the referee, Storm levels Kidman with the tag belt and retain the tag titles.

Good match, but hard to concentrate on it all because Tazz and Cole go to levels of awfulness I didn’t think even they could go to.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge, Kidman and Torrie are… being morons while shopping. I swear it’s like they didn’t know what Australia was until they got there. Hmmm… American’s (and Canadians lol) being clueless about other countries. Sounds outlandish, I know :side:.

 

Chris Jericho Vs Edge

Cole talking about Edge “IS ANYONE HOTTER THAN THIS GUY?”.

BRB, gonna go shoot Tazz and Cole.

:lmao “YOU’RE A WANKER” chants directed to Jericho.

Man, between entrances, Jericho cutting a promo and then STALLING, this takes about 10 fucking minutes to start. I got so fed up the first time around I stopped watching for A DAY lol. Back to it now I guess!

Oh sweet jesus the commentary. I forgot. A day away makes the commentary seem even worse. HOW DOES THAT WORK? They talk about strip clubs and taxis. DURING A FUCKING WRESTLING MATCH.

Michael Cole: “SPEAKING OF BIG STIFF CLOTHESLINES, STACY AND TORRIE IN A BRA AND PANTIES MATCH UP NEXT!!!” :lmao WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? :lmao

Michael Cole AGAIN: “WE’VE GOT SOME WANKER FROM AUSTRALIA HELPING OUT AT RINGSIDE” :lmao I don’t think he understands what wanker is :lmao.

Oh yeah there is a match going on too. Jericho heels it up, cheating when he can, cutting Edge off nicely a few times and being pretty BOSS tbh. Edge is fine, couple of nice hope spots which are usually quick pin attempts or a high impact move to try and win asap.

REF BUMP~!

Jericho grabs a chair, Edge SPEARS him, ref is still dead, I LOL. :lmao at Edge’s attempt to wake the ref up. *kicks ref while he’s down* NOPE, HE’S NOT GETTING UP.

ANOTHER SPEAR. Ref is awake now. JERICHO KICKS OUT!

CHAIR~! LIONSAULT~! KICK OUT~!

Jericho goes face first into the exposed turnbuckle that he apparently exposed earlier. I haven’t been paying as much attention to the actual match thanks to the awful commentary. Jericho still kicks out.

Then Jericho loses to a roll up. LOL.

Match was solid stuff, but by god, everything on this show is getting ruined by the commentary.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Stacy Keibler Vs Torrie Wilson – Bra and Panties Match

Val Venis is the guest ring announcer for this.

Tazz: “IT’S BETTER TO BE COCKY THAN TO SMELL COCKY” :lmao

:lmao the announcing from Val pretty much solidifies this as a FAP MATCH. Literally.

FAP FAP.

NIDIA SHOWS UP TOO!

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Rock Vs Triple H Vs Brock Lesnar – WWE Undisputed Championship Match

It would take TEN YEARS for HHH and Lesnar to be involved in another match together. And it was great. Then they fucked it up by having 2 fucking shitty rematches.

Rock and HHH double team Lesnar and take him out of the ring, then HHH is all like “lol i dunt leik yu rick” and clotheslines the champion.

:lmao Lesnar gets brought back into the ring by being thrown over the ropes, then he kinda flops around before seemingly randomly falling back in the corner :lmao. THE FUCK WAS THAT?

:lmao Heyman attacks Rock from behind and CELEBRATES like he just won the WWE title himself. Then Rock turns around and he shats himself :lmao.

HHH VS LESNAR! Lesnar kills him :mark:.

HHH is pretty smart in this match, constantly standing back and letting Brock and Rock fight each other at every chance he gets, then he strolls in and attacks someone from behind in hopes of sneaking a win. Lesnar takes exception to this and smashes his skull into the ring post and HHH IS BLEEDING!!!

Bunch of finisher teases, but everyone counters everyone’s finisher.

SHARPSHOOTER-ISH~!

PEDIGREE~!

F-5 TO HHH!!!

PEOPLE’S ELBOW~!

BROCK KICKS OUT!!!

HEYMAN IS LOVING IT!!!

F-5 TO THE ROCK!!! LESNAR GONNA BECOME CHAMP!!! 1…2… AND THAT SHITTY HHH FELLA BREAKS UP THE COUNT.

PEDIGREE TO LESNAR~!

LESNAR KICKS OUT!!! FUCK ME!!! NOTHING STOPPING THE NEXT BIG THING!!!

ROCK BOTTOM TO HHH. ROCK WINS. BOOOO :(.

Good match, I liked it :). Whole finishing stretch was cool and Lesnar was made to look like a fucking BEAST kicking out of two finishers with no rests between pins or anything like that. HHH played his role well as the cerebral assassin, waiting for the right moment to get involved and shit, and Rock was Rock.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 6.5

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