THE BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER OF THE SUMMER.
Jeff Hardy Vs MVP
MVP HAS MADE THIS PERSONAL WITH JEFF. Except I have no idea why cos the commentators never explained it and there was no video package. Yey…
Awesome belly to belly overhead suplex from MVP, sending Hardy into the turnbuckle and folding him up like that musical thingy. Accordion? Yeah, that sounds about right.
MVP punches Hardy to counter a springboard move and Tazz calls it THE STRONG STYLE OF MVP .
MVP does some stuff. Hardy does some stuff. Shelton Benjamin shows up because I don’t know and causes Jeff to miss the Swanton and MVP kicks Jeff and wins and I simply don’t give a fuck.
CAL SCALE – 0
Maria, Santino and Beth are backstage for an interview segment. Maria’s boobs are defying science by remaining in her top. Some words were spoken by people.
Mickie James & Kofi Kingston Vs Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella – Intergender Winner Takes all WWE Women’s & WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
Lillian looking fine. Mickie looking fine. Beth looking fine. That’s all I’m gonna say because FUCK watching a Kofi and Santino match.
CAL SCALE – -1
HBK and his wife Rebecca come to the ring to discuss HBK’s future due to his eye getting destroyed by Jericho. Jericho comes out and… POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!!
Matt Hardy Vs Mark Henry – ECW Championship Match
FINALLY, something for me to get excited about!!! HENRY AS ECW CHAMP . HARDY AS HIS OPPONENT .
TWIST OF FATE 30 SECONDS INTO THE MATCH!!! And Tony Atlas pulls Hardy out and… DQ .
Fuck you WWE. I got all excited for this match and it lasts 30 seconds? YOU CUNTS.
CAL SCALE – 0
CM Punk Vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship Match
Ok, actually watched this… well probably about a year ago now BUT IT FEELS LESS THAN THAT TO ME and I remember a ton about it so I’m finally able to get moderately excited about SOMETHING on this fucking show.
JBL hates Punk cos he doesn’t drink. And Punk hates JBL cos… he’s a bully and rapes people in the shower?
So the match starts with JBL trying to be all BEEFY and maul Punk, but Punk is all FUCK YOU AMMA BE FAST AND DIVE ON YOU AND SHIT.
SUPER FALL AWAY SLAM~!
JBL WORKING THE BACK~!
Love those big clubbing blows to the back that JBK does to Punk while Punk is basically sat down. Looks brutal as FUCK.
CM Punk THE MARTIAL ARTS CHAMPION .
JBL applies a CLAW to the ribs of Punk while applying an abdominal stretch . Nice to see SOMEONE making an effort with what is typically a boring as fuck hold lol.
CLOTHESLINE NOT QUITE FROM HELL~!
MULTIPLE ELBOW DROPS~! Gotta be careful with those, Ziggler killed Lawler for a few seconds with that very same sequence!!!
Punk kicks JBL in the face and… JBL LANDS ON PUNK’S HEAD . I don’t even know how such a thing is possible, but it happened.
And that seems to have busted Punk open lol. Ouch!
Fuck me, they show the botched spot in slow motion so we can see just how Punk got busted open. Looks so much worse in slow mo lol.
GTS OUT OF NOWHERE~! PUNK RETAINS! PUNK RETAINS!
Well this match kinda (not really) makes up for the show so far being utter shite. Great match. JBL’s back work is great, and Punk is awesome with his hope spots.
CAL SCALE – 4
Triple H Vs The Great Khali – WWE Championship Match
So how does WWE follow up a great WHC match? With The Great Khali getting a WWE Title shot.
Smart move HHH, attempt a Pedigree on a fucking GIANT 20 seconds into the match. HE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO COUNTER THAT.
Oh he did. Shock.
DOUBLE ARM CHOKESLAM.
And of course despite those basically being Khali’s finishers, HHH escapes defeat this early into the match and chops Khali’s legs and… walks into a CHOP TO THE HEAD. Which is also one of Khali’s finishers, so obviously this match isn’t over yet cos HHH ain’t losing to no Khali finishers…
YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants. Are they for Khali or HHH?
VULCAN DEATH GRIP THING. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST USE THE HEAD VICE GRIP INSTEAD LOL?!?! Wrestling Logic: THERE IS NONE!
HHH goes for another Pedigree and they LITERALLY WALK TO THE ROPES so Khali can back body drop him . I hate that spot to begin with, but when they walk over to do it? FUCK OFF.
This wasn’t as bad as I was expecting… just because it didn’t last as long as I thought it would . Still a load of crap.
CAL SCALE – 0
John Cena Vs Batista
“I’ve never told this to anyone, but for 6 years I’ve been watching you” – John Cena.
So… Cena has been perving on Batista for SIX YEARS.
HOP TOSS AND BODY SLAM FROM CENA OMG THE POWER THE SHEER POWER OF THAT OMG CENA IS THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WWE!!!!! Apparently…
Batista meanwhile nearly rips Cena’s head off with a clothesline, then hits a stalling suplex and nobody gives a shit about HIS power lol.
Batista shouldn’t use the Figure Four. Ever. It’s not that he Miz’s it up, but it just looks stupid as fuck when guys his size use it lol.
immediately after the FF spot, Cena F-U’s Batista over the ropes and the commentators react like it’s nothing. Cole is even LAUGHING while calling the spot . And then Batista just gets back in the ring like nothing happened .
Oh god I HATE Cena’s 5 moves of doom. At least when other people have their “5 moves of doom”, they don’t rely on their opponent running at them and doing certain moves the EXACT SAME WAY EVERY MATCH. Cena needs people to run at him, to go for a clothesline and miss etc, and fuck me it just looks SO BAD.
At one point Cena’s arms AREN’T EVEN TOUCHING BATISTA .
So far this match has been odd as fuck. It was hyped as this big BATTLE between two of the biggest stars of the decade finally meeting for the first time ever in a one on one match. But nothing really HAPPENS in the match. The match starts, then literally only a couple of minutes in, we have Batista using the Figure Four followed up with an F-U over the ropes, then the moment Batista gets back in the ring he’s walking right into Cena’s 5 moves of doom and then it’s a Spinebuster and then the STFU and I’m all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? How did they fail so bad at just putting on a big BOMB THROWING fest?
Another F-U, this time in the ring and of course Batista kicks out. Then they fight on the ropes and this leads to the finish of Batista catching Cena with a Powerbomb as he tries to do that leg drop move he does. No wait, Cena kicked out of that? I could have sworn that was the finish lol . It kinda broke Cena’s neck though. Batista follows it up with a Batista Bomb and NOW it’s done.
Man, I really remember enjoying this a ton when it happened. Now? Urgh. Just urgh. No structure to the match. They just seem to do moves and none of it really makes sense or looks good. Like I said, they failed at throwing bombs at each other. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!
CAL SCALE – 0
The Undertaker Vs Edge – Hell in a Cell
. Undertaker. Hell in a Cell.
An event with only one good match so far will at least end with a match I am most likely still going to love a lot .
Edge uses his speed to avoid Undertaker’s punches early on, and is even able to escape from the corner numerous times. Seems like a good strategy until… BOOT TO THE FACE .
EDGE’S FACE BEING RAMMED INTO THE CELL OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
SPEAR INTO THE STEEL STEPS~!
That hurt the Dead Man, and gives Edge a chance to gain control of the match. So how does he do it? By turning the Hell in a Cell, Undertaker’s match, into HIS match by bringing in Tables, Ladders and Chairs (oh my)! Very smart and probably my favourite aspect of this match.
Undertaker has been smacked with chairs, smashed on steel steps, hit with ladders and put through a table. How does he gain the upperhand again? PUNCH TO THE FACE~!
SPEAR THROUGH THE CELL~!
SPEAR THROUGH THE… ECW TABLE?
EDGE WAS RUNNING ON WOOD .
FUCK ME WHAT A CHOKESLAM.
Finisher. Kick out. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout.
Chokeslam through two tables that were randomly set up earlier in the match for no real reason yey!!
SPEAR BY THE UNDERTAKER~!
CAMERA TO THE FACE OF EDGE~!
Undertaker is dishing out everything Edge did to HIM inside the Hell in a Cell almost a year ago when he cost the Dead Man the title against Batista!!!
Tombstone, and this one is over.
Afterwards, Undertaker chokeslams Edge through the ring and into FIRE, but the lame DVD release/Network version editing kinda ruins the whole moment.
So… this match huh? Well it was good, but I just wasn’t feeling it on this watch. Maybe it’s because I’m not exactly loving wrestling right now, or maybe I’ve just become tired of this match lol. Either way it was disappointing .
CAL SCALE – 2
Overall CAL SCALE – 5