Road to Royal Rumble – Royal Rumble Ramblings #9

Posted on: January 11th, 2013 by Big Cal

1996 Royal Rumble

Sunny naked in the bath kicks off the show. She says something. May have to watch again to see what she said…

Match 1 – Jeff Jarrett Vs Ahmed Johnson – Hmmm… my anthology boxset claims that Duke THE DUMPSTER Drose Vs HHH is the first match, but we never get it. Just a clip of the finish later in the night to see how HHH ends up with #1. So we skip that potential shitty match and go straight into… this shitty match. Ahmed was awful. Really awful. You think guys like Ryback and Big E are bad today? AHMED JOHNSON blows them all away with his suckage. Like Ryback though, his best match ever would come in the form of a 6 man tag! Bad match. Crazy shit from Ahmed though who does a HOUSTON HANGOVER. It misses though. Jarrett hits him in the head with a guitar because, well, that’s all he’s good for. *.

Diesel interview. More seeds planted for his upcoming heel turn. Really wish he didn’t go to WCW later in the year, heel Diesel in WWF could have been great.

Match 2 – The Body Donnas Vs The Smoking Gunns – SUNNY. Ah shit, she’s dressed now. Anyway, this is where the great tag matches at RR events is killed off. Dammit. Sunny teases the Gunns… at a point in the match where the Donnas can’t capitalise on it or anything lol. Bart gets chopped and isn’t having any of it. He’s a pretty tough bastard based on the Brawl for All (Russo’s dumbest idea ever?). Sunny bounces on the apron. Yey. She get knocked off the apron and we see up her skirt. Yey. Billy checks on her and gets the fuck beat out of him lol. Sunny distracts the ref when the Gunns have the match won. Sunny was pretty much the only thing good in this match, and not just for how she looks. Everything else was just there. Finish was cool though. Double suplex attempt on Bart, so Billy spears one of the Donnas and Bart rolls the other one up. *.

BILLIONAIRE TED. Awesome stuff. I liked em.

Match 3 – Goldust Vs Razor Ramon – IC title on the line. Goldust wants to fuck Ramon. Or have Ramon fuck him. I dunno which. Wasn’t this feud supposed to go to WM? But Hall was too uncomfortable with the storyline so they brought in Piper. He wears a kilt so surely HE’D be up for a gay angle, right? LOL. Marlena makes her debut as Goldust comes out to the ring. So he’s bi? He makes advances to Razor and gropes him and shit, and Razor is visibly confused by the whole thing, giving Goldust the advantage in this IC title match. Slow start to this one, plenty of Goldust SCHTICK which you either love or hate. I love it, he did a great job with it. He puts Razor off his game, then when given the chance, Goldust drops the schtick and becomes a vicious wrestler instead. Marlena blows Goldust in Razor’s eyes. And that sentence sounds more disturbing than it should lol. 123-Kid ends up costing Razor the title. New champ! Good match. ***.

Match 4 – 30 Man Royal Rumble Match – HHH is #1 after losing to Drose earlier in the night. Well, he beat him, but cheated and got found out. DQ’d. Ha. And #2? Henry O Godwin, an old rival of the soon to be Game. BOB BACKLUND is #3. And guess what? HE HAS ENTRANCE MUSIC! YES! 1996 IS THE RR WHERE PEOPLE GET MUSIC. Lol, Backlund gets HHH’s attention by slapping his back, then when HHH turned around… BAM. Elbow to the fucking face. Lawler gets SLOPPED. Possibly some people in the front row too lol. BOB HOLLY START YOUR ENGINES. He’s had that gimmick for over a year now? Damn. KING Mabel and THE KING Jerry Lawer in at the same time. Oh man, how awesome would that match have been in Memphis during the 80’s? Alright, Jake’s back! And he’s got a snake! He clears the ring except for Lawler who has his back turned. Big mistake. He gets the snake covering him and he dives out of the ring in sheer fright. And that’s the last we see of him for a while as he decides to hide out under the ring! Dory Funk. They couldn’t get Terry, he’s in Germany wrestling instead. Damn. YOKO. Battle of the fatties time with him Vs Mabel. Poor Godwin gets trapped in the corner while Mabel and Yoko crush each other lol. VADER. Making his debut. Fuck yes. SHIT ABOUT TO GET REAL. They made SID champ over Vader? Fuck you, HBK. Vader and Yoko beat the shit out of each other despite the fact they are both in Camp Cornette (ha, sounds so gay). Jake takes one hell of a bump from a clothesline from Vader, flying back and all the way out of the ring. SQUAT TEAM Member #1. Some short 400lb guy. Nobody cares about him. Vader send him on his way. Then SQUAT TEAM Member #2 comes out. He looks just like #1. They both go into the ring and attack Vader, so Vader gets rid of another one and Yoko deals with the twin. Were they only signed to be in the RR match and help get Vader over lol? Poor Savio Vega, he gets absolutely DESTROYED by Yoko and Vader. Then Vader and Yoko beat the shit out of each other again… allowing Shawn to come from behind and eliminate them BOTH. Fucking Shawn, burying Vader already! At least he buries his kliq buddy 123-Kid too. Vader is fucking PISSED, so he beats down Yoko on the outside, then eliminates everyone left in the match. But this year they decide it doesn’t count if you are eliminated by someone not in the match. Wish they’d make up their fucking minds what the rules are lol. Remember Lawler? Yeah, he’s still in the match lol. HBK goes under the ring and drags him out, bringing him back into the match so he can be eliminated. BIG DADDY FUCKING COOL. BUSINESS IS ABOUT TO PICK UP. THE RINGMASTER. I think he’ll go on to have a half decent career. He looks good here. Kama should return at the RR this year and do a 1998 Mick Foley by appearing 3 times; once as Papa Shango, once as Kama and once as The Godfather. Is Duke the Dumpster Drose the most disappointing #30 ever? Glenn Jacobs should show up to the RR this year and enter as his 3 WWF gimmicks; Isaac Yankem, Fake Diesel and Kane. HBK superkicks his best fwend and wins the RR for a second year straight. Diesel is pissed, but makes nice with Shawn. One of my fav RR matches still. Love it love it love it love it love it love it love it. ****1/4.

Match 5 – Bret Hart Vs The Undertaker – Its title time! Diesel gets in Undertaker’s face on his way to the ring. Not often the RR match doesn’t main event, but when it doesn’t, it usually seems to be because of The Undertaker lol. Here, so he and Diesel can start their feud. 98, so he can be put in a casket and set on fire, and 2006 so he can destroy the ring. PHANTOM OF THE UNDERTAKER. He’s wearing a mask. Had his face broken leg by Mabel, so they turned it into an angle. Always remember as a kid seeing Mabel and Yoko crushing his face. THOSE FAT BASTARDS. ‘Taker is still very much the zombie character here, but working with Bret would be the start of Vince FINALLY giving the Dead Man good opponents and allowing him to evolve beyond the slow moving zombie man. This match is VERY slow, so some people will absolutely NOT like it at all. Me however, I always liked it because while it’s slow, it’s still GOOD. Because the speed of a match does not equal how good or bad it is. No prize for guessing what part of the body Bret targets. I’ll give you a clue though; he’s against someone bigger than him. Undertaker sells the legs tremendously (he IS one of the best sellers in the world, even during the zombie days, so no surprise there), even when he’s on offence, and Bret is smart by always going back to the legs when he’s in any kind of trouble. LOL, fans are actually BOOING Bret as he chops ‘Taker down. Man, this is longer than I thought it was, but at the same time, not as slow lol. Still really good though. Nice counter from the Sharpshooter with Undertaker grabbing Bret by the throat as he’s trying to turn him over. Bret being the big awesome good guy hero that he is, exposes the metal turnbuckle, takes Undertaker’s protective mask off then smashes the Dead Man’s face into it a couple of times! ROLE MODEL. Guess it can be seen as revenge for Undertaker choking him with some wire earlier, but still. TOMBSTONE. We’ve got a new champion! 1…2… NO! Diesel pulls out the referee and costs the Dead Man the title. Earl Hebner ain’t having none of that. You can attack the competitors in the match, but by god, you pull him out of the ring and this match is OVER lol. Undertaker wins by DQ, but Bret keeps the title. Loved this match still. ****.

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