Author: Big Cal

 

Judgment Day 2009

 

So Big Show Vs Cena is on this show and… I remember nothing else. I have a feeling I ain’t gonna like a lot of what’s on offer here.

 

CM Punk Vs Umaga

PPV is in Chicago so Punk is kinda OVER.

I don’t remember Umaga getting a new theme. Is this just some DVD edit? Which would make no sense because he’s been on tons of PPV’s with his old theme so… I guess I just didn’t notice he got a theme change at the time? That sounds more likely.

What’s that spinny-slam thing Umaga does? I forgot the name, but it always looks incredible and fuck me he launches Punk with it.

Love how Umaga has a submission in on Punk, who then grabs the ropes to break the hold, so Umaga just gets up and JUMPS on Punk’s arm while he’s holding the ropes. THAT’LL TEACH YOU FOR USING A ROPE BREAK YOU PUSSY.

So the first half of this is kinda iffy. I mean, it’s not awful, but it seems that whenever Umaga gains control, he just wants to apply a fucking VULCAN DEATH GRIP. Does Vince masturbate to that hold or something because I swear EVERY big man in WWE seems to use it at some point. But in between those boring holds we have Punk fighting back for his life, and Umaga using his FATNESS to put an end to Punk’s offence.

Once they start going into another gear and towards the finishing stretch, shit gets GOOD. Holy fuck Punk just runs into Umaga a few times with knees and kicks to the face and UMAGA DOESN’T PROTECT HIMSELF. He just stands there and is all “FUCK YOU I AIN’T GOING DOWN” .

Umaga really looks like a fucking BEAST during this entire match, just taking kick after kick after kick to the head and STILL coming back like the Samoan Terminator. In the end he taks THREE roundhouse kicks to the head, then murders Punk with the Samoan Spike for the win.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

A segment with Chabo and Vickie. Oh joy. Turns out Cena has been medically cleared AFTER BEING BLOWN UP THREE WEEKS AGO to wrestle THE BIG SHOW. Punk was right about the WWE doctors .

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger – ECW Championship Match

Rematch .

Remember when Swagger had a bright future? Ahh, the good old days.

BITCH SLAPS~!

Christian gets Swagger pissed off with BITCH SLAPS, then runs out of the ring and forces Swagger to chase him so he can get the jump on him as they get back into the ring. Swagger recovers and tries for a huge body press slam like at Backlash, but Christian remembers and counters into a Killswitch attempt where Swagger nearly shits himself!!! Great opening sequence that played off their Backlash match!!! I <3 stuff like this .

Once again it’s Swagger’s POWER that puts him in control of the match, first with a huge shoulder block off the apron which looked nasty… and then Swagger just fucking LAUNCHES Christian INTO the ring post from the floor . A nice way to basically modify what he did at Backlash, as that didn’t work this time around . THIS is how you have a fucking re-match!

OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE~! Christian counters it AGAIN, but this time Swagger isn’t able to recover and finish off hitting the hold!

See-Saw kick thingy in the corner from Christian . Always enjoyed that move .

Has there ever been a better series of matches between two people that really showcase one wrestler as being the wily veteran and the other wrestler as the rookie with tons of potential? Because that’s what all of the matches between these two seem to show, and show REALLY FUCKING WELL.

Love the finish to this match too, which is again playing off their Backlash match. At Backlash, Christian exposed the turnbuckle to smash Swagger into it while the referee was busy fixing the other exposed turnbuckle that Swagger was trying to use. Here, Swagger rolls up Christian and grabs the tights but only gets a two count because the referee saw it. A few moments later and Christian does the exact same thing to him but gets away with it and retains the title!!!

Fantastic match and I don’t think I’ve loved it any more than right now. Sure it’s not quite on the same level as Backlash, but I’m doubting anything on this show from here is going to come close to it, and I can see myself thinking it’s still one of the better matches of the year when I’m done with 2009 .

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Shelton Benjamin Vs John Morrison

Charlie Hass is back with Shelton? In 2009? I… remember NONE OF THIS.

Speaking of remembering NONE OF THIS… why is this match happening? No video package, no title on the line… just 2 guys having a random match on PPV apparently.

Oh ok, this is happening because Morrison already beat Shelton. MAKES SENSE…

Fun start to this one with the first move being an EXPLODER SUPLEX from Shelton .

YOU SAW NOTHING!!!

Impressive? Yes. STUPID? Fuck yes. If Shelton didn’t basically move forward to catch Morrison who clearly didn’t get the distance he was looking for, it would have been a 450 SPLAT.

WINNING AT JUDGMENT DAY IS BIG FOR ANYONE~!

Ahhh, rest holds. A match between two of the “best athletes in the company” and they are just sitting about with a sleeper hold. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

AMG MORRISON COUNTERED A SLEEPER WITH… HIS OWN SLEEPER!!!

Benjamin almost kills Morrison when he catches him coming off the rope in one corner, then tried to keep him in position so he can run to the other corner and powerbomb him… and nearly falls over before he gets there, sending Morrison into the turnbuckle a little too early.

Oh look starship pain. Morrison won.

This was shit and dull and shit and dull.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Jiz shows up and spends far too long talking.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Chris Jericho – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Ahhh SD 2009 after the draft. A ton of great talent and a real emphasis on great matches. One of the things they did during this time as well was put more focus on the IC title, by giving it to Rey and having him feud, actually FEUD, with Jericho. With the main focus of the feud being the TITLE. I have a lot of fond memories of SD 09 in general (in fact I do believe I have the entire year on my PC…), and I do remember enjoying this whole feud, and it’s matches… though never to the exstent that everyone else tends to .

Taken me almost THREE WEEKS to actually start watching this match. I stopped originally because it was late and I was tired. After that… thanks to current wrestling being so bad, I’ve just been put off of ANY wrestling. But now, with some ALCOHOL~! in me, I’m hoping to get back into this!

Seems that this match is all about the 619, and Jericho being determined to avoid it while also potentially unmasking Rey. Simple enough and real easy to work into the match .

Jericho does his best to be AGGRESSIVE as a HEEL, which ends up getting him a pretty loud JERICHO chant from the crowd, while Rey uses his speed to make Jericho look like a chump. Fun times!

Pretty awesome LEG DROP from Rey. Think Undertaker’s apron leg drop, but from the top rope and with his opponent see-sawing on the bottom rope .

How many surgeries has Rey had on his knees? I think it was 9 when he recorded the “Don’t try this at home” footage… and that was YEARS before this match. Not surprised it’s been so many because the amount of times he bumps and hangs himself in the ropes by his knee is INSANE.

KICK TO THE HEAD~! JERICHO IS IN POSITION FOR THE 619!!! Really like the back body drop type move Jericho does to counter this. It’s not a proper back body drop and looks a little sloppy, but really puts over the fact that Jericho just managed to escape the hold and counter Rey without thinking. And no, that’s not to say it was a botch of any kind either.

BACK BREAKER~! Not a typical one, but more of a Torture Rack combined with the… Train Wreck? Or De-railer? That back breaker move A-Train did .

JERICHO GOES FOR THE MASK~!

Crazy that the crowd goes APESHIT when Jericho is about to lock in the Walls, but then equally go APESHIT when Rey counters out of it. Good to know the fans are still behind the BABYFACE even if they love Jericho too.

Another 619 attempt, but Jericho just avoids it this time.

Another Walls of Jericho attempt, and Rey counters to set up another 619, but Jericho then counters that into another Walls which is successful!!! WHICH MYSTERIO TAP OUT?!?!?

No, no he will not .

After some more struggling, Mysterio FINALLY hits the 619, follows it up with the splash and Mysterio retains the title in one hell of a match!!!

Was kinda sceptical on this match tbh. People rate their 09 series REALLY high and I’ve personally never been too high on them. But I definitely loved the hell out of this one, and while I know ONE of their upcoming matches is still likely to be overrated imo, I’m hoping the other (or others? I forget how many they had lol) is similar to this one .

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Randy Orton Vs Batista – WWE Championship Match

Oh god I need more alcohol…

*1 week later*

FINE I’LL WATCH IT.

Yey, the match starts with stalling. Exactly what I was hoping for…

HEADLOCK~! Oh man this just gets better…

I THINK YOU CAN DESCRIBE RANDY ORTON’S EMOTION AT TIMES AS EMOTIONLESS~!

Orton just went into a pin cover LIKE A PYTHON. Because we all know how Pythons make covers in wrestling matches, right?

I think Orton is as bored with this match as me, and runs to the outside and tells the referee to count him out. Batista is being a bitch and ruins things by chasing after Orton. So I guess this match is gonna continue…

ORTON HUGGING THE RING POST~! oh if Orton clinging to the ring post to get countout out, preventing Batista from getting him back in the ring was the finish, I’d give this *****.

Does Cole have a cheat sheet with SNAKE PUNS to use for Orton, or is Vince just constantly in his ear telling him to say all that shit?

ORTON HUMPING THE MAT~! Oh wait, he’s setting up the RKO .

Oh ffs, Orton slaps the referee. Oh god this whole match was a poor attempt at recreating NWO 08, wasn’t it?

It failed. At everything.

At least Flair shows up at the end and takes out Legacy . So… shouldn’t FLAIR be the #1 contender now?

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs The Big Show

Remember when Big Show chokeslammed Cena off the stage through a fucking STADIUM LIGHT? And then Cena was pretty much fine outside of some hurt ribs? WRESTLING~!

PUNCHY PUNCHY RIB RIB.

While nothing fancy is going on here, Cena is doing a wonderful job of selling the pain in his ribs, and Show, while not too varied on offence, is working them over nicely. Loved the spot on the outside with Show smashing Cena ribs first into the ring post.

Cena escaping the camel clutch was incredible.

Cena, with injured ribs, POWERS OUT OF A BEARHUG BY THE BIG SHOW. Shit of the bull right there.

Thankfully Big Show gets revenge for that shitty moment by squashing Cena with his ARSE. WELL IT’S THE BIG ARSE~!

Cena starts a comeback, and basically launches his head into Big Show’s knee like a fucking MISSILE and it’s kinda awesome.

The longer the match goes on, the less Cena sells the ribs which is a big shame. He’ll avoid ONE move from Show then suddenly he’s able to run around and jump and shit like there is nothing wrong with him, and it pisses me off a little lol. And he does it a couple of times…

Cena also keeps going for the STFU. The first time he tries it, he realises he CAN’T DO IT BECAUSE HE’S NOT GOT THE REACH TO DO IT TO SOMEONE THE SIZE OF THE BIG SHOW. So… he tries it again multiple times, seemingly hoping he’ll grow in between tries .

AA and Cena wins. LOL?

A lot of good here, but it does go on for a little TOO long imo, and Cena does a lot of bullshit that brings the whole thing down for me. Show was great in it, though.

Rating: **3/4
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Phew, last match.

Match involves some back work by Edge, and lots of crashing and burning by Jeff with the occasional hit with some high risk offence. Todd Grishm keeps referring to Jeff as a poker player.

Nothing worth mentioning happens for like 15 minutes and then… a Spear off the announce table into the barricade happens OUT OF NOWHERE and… I still don’t care .

Well, Jeff recovers from that fairly quickly…

Another big spot on the outside, then Matt shows up and decks Jeff or something but Edge STILL cannot pin Hardy.

And again Hardy recovers from that fairly fast…

Super… plex/DDT thingy and Edge wins.

I honestly didn’t care from the start.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

 

Backlash 2009

 

cannot wait to re-watch some of the matches on this show!

 

Christian Vs Jack Swagger – ECW Championship Match

Now THIS is how you start off a PPV!!! Their 24/02/2009 ECW TV match is one of the best TV matches to ever happen ANYWHERE, and based on my memory, this isn’t AS good, but is still a fucking tremendous match .

Swagger just fucking MANHANDLES Christian early on using a mix of his size, power and pure wrestling skills and he looks legit as FUCK doing it. How does Christian counter this? BITCH SLAP~!

HOLY FUCK Swagger just picks Christian up over his head with EASE, walks over to the turnbuckle and LAUNCHES him to the floor. I swear that might be one of the most impressive FEATS OF STRENGTH I’ve seen in a wrestling match. Sure plenty of the roster could press slam Christian, but I don’t know how many could do it with the sheer ease Swagger was able to do it.

‘GATOR ROLL~!

Swagger countering Christian’s crazy turnbuckle kick thingy is fucking awesome. Swagger certainly held up his own during these Christian matches, but based on other matches with other opponents, you gotta believe that Swagger only looked THAT GOOD is because of Christian. Christian was just on fucking FIRE in 09 and could give guys the best matches of either their early careers (such as Swagger here) or even their lengthy careers (Dreamer comes to mind).

The epic 24/02 match features some of the absolute greatest arm work to ever take place in a match ever. Here, Swagger is working over the mid-section of the veteran Christian, which began with the insane body press slam over the ropes. Man, Christian takes a knee to the gut while running and looks like he DIED ON IMPACT.

Swagger focusing on the mid-section is all leading up to the Gut Wrench Powerbomb, and Christian knows this and manages to prevent the ECW champ from potentially ending the match with it by holding on to Swagger’s legs for his life! When Swagger realises Christian ain’t going up for the Powerbomb, he switches up and busts out another move instead to remain in control of the match and further wear down Captain Charisma .

OKLAHOMA STAMPEDE~! Well, Swagger slams Christian into one turnbuckle, then Christian counters with a roll up, before getting up and Swagger resuming the move!

Swagger takes of a turnbuckle pad, but gets caught by the referee. While he’s arguing with the ref, the veteran Christian takes this opportunity to expose another turnbuckle without anyone seeing! Swagger runs at him, smashes into the steel and gets hit with the KILLSWTICH~!

We have a NEW ECW champion in Christian! And so begins the incredible reign, where Christian carries an entire brand on his shoulders for the next 10 months!!!

Incredible match, so smartly worked by both men. Love it.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Christian gets congratulated backstage by his fellow ECW guys, then notices EDGE and walks over to him for a conversation only to have Edge be a cunt to him. As much as I can’t stand Edge, I do with we’d gotten one more short run of E&C at some point.

 

Chris Jericho Vs Ricky Steamboat

STEAMBOAT~!

So at WM 25, Jericho took on 2 WWE Legends in a 2 on 1 handicap match. They were Piper and STEAMBOAT, and STEAMBOAT was just fucking incredible. He looked like he’d never retired with a back injury in 94, because he damn near out-performed everyone that night. Hell, if a certain Undertaker/HBK match never happened, I guarantee WM 25 would be remembered for STEAMBOAT above all else.

On Raw the next night, there was a huge 10 man tag or something and once again STEAMBOAT looked incredible. Jericho hated that an old timer was “stealing the spotlight” and challenged Steamboat to a singles match here tonight!

STEAMBOAT SHOWING UP JERICHO~! Seriously, HOW did Steamboat still look so good in the ring. I mean, just looking at Steamboat the man, he’s an OAP. But once he starts moving around and hitting moves, he looks younger than me.

ARM. FUCKING. DRAGS.

Nice to see Steamboat bend back the fingers and shit while applying an arm lock to Jericho. We just don’t see that kind of thing with the kids these days. LEARN TO WORK A HOLD YOU FUCKS.

The match slows down a bit as Jericho applies some rest holds (COME ON JERICHO, STEAMBOAT JUST SHOWED YOU FIRST HAND HOW TO WORK A FUCKING HOLD, STOP JUST SITTING THERE YOU CUNT). Luckily STEAMBOAT is so awesome he can prevent any of this from becoming boring .

BACK SUPERPLEX BY STEAMBOAT~!

Jericho remains in control for the most of this match, but STEAMBOAT is always fighting back and countering Jericho, including avoiding a Lionsault by setting Jericho up in an Electric Chair, and even reversing the Walls of Jericho into a FIGURE FOUR, a move that Steamboat has probably had applied to him more than any man in history!

HOLY FUCK I already know who wins this match but for a second there I actually thought Steamboat had it with a crossbody from the top rope!!! Jericho BARELY fucking kicked out!!!

That crossbody did so well that Steamboat goes for it again, only to land right into a CODEBREAKER!!! 1..2.. FOOT ON THE ROPES~! Steamboat still knows what he’s doing inside that ring!

CALLBACK TO WM 3 with the roll up .

Wall of Jericho in the middle of the ring, and even Steamboat has to tap out.

Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat? Nah, more like Ricky “The Dragon” SteamGOAT!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Oh joy Santino in a backstage segment. With Beth and… and… someone. Santino is trying to pretend he didn’t dress up as Santina at WM to win the Miss WM battle royal. Still have no idea who the other women was in this segment .

 

Kane Vs CM Punk

Kane is pissed that Punk is Mr MITB for the second year in a row, and winning it by kicking Kane off the ladder!

On paper this might not really look like a good match, but my memory (as terrible as it can be) is telling me this is fun.

KICK, PUNCH, IT’S ALL IN THE MIND~! Punk keeps trying to hit and move… then gets trapped in a corner with the BIG RED MACHINE MONSTER and starts getting pummelled, until Punk can use the turnbuckle to his advantage and lock Kane in an Arm Lock using the ropes!!!

Cool to see Punk go back to the arm a couple of times to avoid some of Kane’s major offence, including a potential CHOKELAM ON THE FLOOR!

Kane throws Punk so Punk could do that spot where he slides on the mat and smashes back first into the ring post under the bottom rope. Except he didn’t slide very far and it ended up looking like shit . Kane makes up for it though with a running dropkick to really smash him into the post!!!

MOTHER OF GOD PUNK JUST DIED. Kane hit a fucking clothesline that puts some of JBL’s clothesline from hell’s to shame!!!

Well look at this, Kane with some pretty sweet BACK WORK .

Punk again countering a chokeslam thanks to that bad arm that Kane is still selling, and doing a good job of it!!!

The injured arm creates an opening for Punk to make a comeback here, but the back work by Kane in this match prevents him from hitting the GTS .

KANE’S UPPERCUT . He catches Punk coming off the ropes with it and damn, Punk just died AGAIN!

PUNK HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD AND APPLIES ANOTHER ARM BAR~!

KICKS TO THE FUCKING HEAD~! Punk showcasing his STRIKING SKILLS, but the MONSTER KANE just fucking shrugs them off and Chokeslam’s Punk for the win using BOTH arms because just one wasn’t enough thanks to all the arm work!!!

I think a lot of people would probably be surprised with this match because of how legitimately FUCKING GOOD it is. Both men look great, both target a body part well and both sell those body parts well, and use them multiple times to change he outcome of certain situations!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Matt Hardy Vs Jeff Hardy – I Quit Match

Remember when CHRISTIAN was “supposed” to be the guy causing shit for Jeff? But fans caught on to it and Vince “apparently” changed his mind and we got Matt instead? Fun times . Not really but ok .

Anyway, their WM 25 match is pretty fucking sweet and often overlooked (like the entire event outside of STEAMGOAT and TAKER/HBK). This match? Well… ummm… if I was smart I’d probably avoid this but dammit I kinda wanna see if it’s still as “bad” as my memory is telling me it is.

I do know, however, that everyone NEEDS to watch their stretcher match on SD that takes place sometime after this because it rocks and is probably the best stretcher match not involving BROCK LESNAR and BIG SHOW.

Also, didn’t Matt just kinda randomly stop being heel once this feud finished? Was there ever any kind of explanation? In fact, it doesn’t matter because BABYFACE MATT fucking rocks and while he was starting to put on a bit of weight around this time that was effecting his ring work, he would still have a TON of great performances and matches later in the year.

Gotta love Jeff’s attempts at REVENGE on his brother. DIVE OVER THE ROPES LIKE ALWAYS~!

I jest though. Sort of . He’s going all out to really take it to Matt here with a bunch of pretty great looking risky moves. Love the spot where he jumps off the ring steps and smashes into Matt, crushing Matt between him and the barricade.

Don’t think Matt has gotten ANYTHING in on Jeff so far in this match.

Jeff keeps going to the ropes for high risk moves against his brother, and it’s this that costs him control of the match. Matt launches him off the top rope right to the floor, and I think Jeff kinda mis-judged his jump here and instead of a cool bump into the barricade, he falls just short and lands kinda hard.

And now it’s time for MATT to begin punishing his brother. “THIS IS FOR GETTING MORE OVER THAN ME AND GETTING A BIGGER PUSH THAN ME DESPITE NOT BEING AS TALENTED DAMMIT!!!”

FIGURE FOUR~! But Jeff is refusing to quit!!!

They do some more stuff, then Jeff applies a leg hold to Matt who is tapping out like crazy, but still refuses to say the words I QUIT.

TWIST OF FATE~!

SWANTON BOMB~!

But Matt is still refusing to quit.

SWANTON BOMB~!

TABLE~!

TWIST OF FATE ON THE FLOOR~!

Back in the ring now and Jeff finally gets Matt on the table, and DUCK TAPES HIS LEGS AND ARMS TOGETHER SO HE CAN’T ESCAPE . Wait.. Jeff is the babyface in this match right?

NOW HE IS LITERALLY TYING HIM TO THE TABLE WITH ROPE . Man, what a good guy Jeff is .

Matt still doesn’t quit… so Jeff brings in a fucking LADDER!!! I think we all know where this is going!

Jeff is on top of the ladder, and Matt begins to tell Jeff he’s sorry and that he loves him and that he quits. ALL IS FORGIVEN!!!

No wait Jeff still jumps off the ladder onto his brother. What an absolute CUNT!

So this match… well… it’s disappointing because it HAS parts of it that are really good. And yeah, while the end kinda made Jeff seem like the bad guy I still enjoyed it. But there are parts in the middle of this match that would put you to sleep regardless of how much caffeine you’ve consumed.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

Orton cuts a boring promo. He tries to turn Batista against HHH. But he’s just turning people against insomnia.

 

OH GOD CUT BACK TO ORTON. MORE ORTON PROMO PLEASE. ANYTHING BUT THIS. ANYTHING. BUT. THIS.

 

It’s the Kiss Cam. With Khali. And Santino the crossdresser. Who is apparently in love with JR. Who calls “her” his “little slobber knocker” . Ok, that was funny. Oh god this is dragging on FOREVER. And now Beth and… that other women (WHO IS SHE?!?!) are out here. Yey this is going on even longer.

 

And now Khali is hitting a women. Ya know, this PPV was doing so well up until this point. I kinda wanna just take away all the points and give it a MINUS 5 STARS total, all because of THIS segment. OH GOD IT’S NOT OVER YET. Khali rips off half of Santino/a’s clothes.

 

Was there… was there a point this this segment? Like, anything? At all? SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THIS HAPPENED?!?!?!?!!?!?!

 

Triple H, Batista & Shane McMahon Vs Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase – WWE Championship Match

The title is on the line in a 6 man tag!!!

Poor Triple H, what is it with BIG DADDY VINCE putting him in these 6 man matches with his title on the line? Happened at King of the Ring 2000 (with Shane also on his team lol), and again in 2009?

They (commentators) keep bringing up that is Shane for example gets too hot headed and ends up being DQ’d, HHH would lose the title still. But… who would WIN the title? The guy that Shane is murdering so badly he gets DQ’d? Or does VACANT get another reign?

Lawler thinks this is the first time a 6 man match has had the title on the line . Then again, I guess 9 years IS a long time ago. Not like when Cole claims Cena is going to the top rope for the first time despite the fact he did it a week ago .

HHH attacks Orton before the bell even rings so he can do as much damage as possible without potentially getting DQ’d. Meanwhile Cody and Teddy are shitting themselves in the ring, too scared to help their mentor .

Orton disappears and HHH gets back to the ring, so the ref just says FUCK IT and rings the bell despite it being 3 on 2 .

Cody is on his knees in the ring and HHH gives him the SUCK IT crotch chop… and Cody’s first reaction is to OPEN HIS MOUTH .

Awesome to see Shane doing some old school tag team finishers with Batista and HHH. Fairly certain the first one they do is the old DEMOLITION finisher, and after that it’s the HART ATTACK .

Legacy without Orton are just getting their bums destroyed. ANAL DESTRUCTION.

JR calls Rhodes and DiBiase two of the building blocks for the future of WWE. Oh how wrong he would be. Teddy is… ummm… no idea what he’s doing these days. And Cody. Cody is following his brother’s footsteps with the STARDUST gimmick… but getting about as over a midget in a pole vaulting competition.

ORTON RETURNS~! He shows up and attacks Batista from behind, slams him into the ring post and quickly tags himself in so he can try and finish off THE ANIMAL and win the Double Double E Number title!

Speaking of double, just had a Double Decker. Mmmmmm yum.

ORTON DDT~!

Gotta love how despite the fact HIS TITLE IS ON THE LINE and he looked worried as fuck… HHH didn’t even attempt to break up the count .

Legacy are doing a pretty great job at isolating Batista. They don’t let up one bit, almost SMOTHERING him. He doesn’t get a moment to himself without one of them grabbing a hold or preventing him from making a tag. Good basic tag shit right here!!!

Damn, Batista just fucking CRASHES into Orton in a desperate attempt to take him down and give him enough time to make a hot tag, and he does! Shane O’Mac is on fire and takes the fight to everyone, even trying to set up the announce table for an elbow before being stopped. He still hits a big elbow from the ropes to Cody in the ring and it looked better than every HBK elbow drop ever.

HOLY SHIT SHANE IS DEAD. One of the best bumps I’ve seen into the ring steps by someone not named FOLEY or UNDERTAKER .

Batista has his turn as FIP, and now Shane gets to take a beating for his team!

Match gets a tad dull from this point unfortunately. Too many rest holds. We do get some teased hot tags and great cut offs though, so that’s definitely something .

HOT TAG TO HHH~!

Well, what’s this? HHH is throwing some GOOD PUNCHES? Nah, can’t be. *rewinds* Wait, no. IT’S TRUE. HHH was throwing some GOOD PUNCHES .

The match spills to the outside and everyone gets involved and it’s an ALL OUT BRAWL~!

SHANE TAKEN OUT WITH A CHAIR~!

BATISTA TAKES A SHOT TOO, but manages to get the chair away from Cody. He’s about to deck Cody right in front of the referee, but HHH grabs the chair from him to avoid a DQ and him losing the title.

RKO OUTTA NOWHERE~!

KICKOUT~!

PUNT~!

NEW CHAMPION~!

So this fucking rocked. Bit with Shane as FIP was a little dull but thankfully didn’t last that long, especially compared to the Batista FIP. Finish had everyone going apeshit without it becoming a clusterfuck.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

John Cena Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Last Man Standing Match

So we’ve had a great PPV up to this point. Now I have to sit through this garbage. Cena Vs Edge is usually terrible. Add a stipulation? SHOOT ME NOW. Neither guy knows how to work a gimmick match without it being a glorified SPOT FEST, unless their opponent is competent.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 17

 

No Way Out 2009

 

Ok, let’s start off 2009 with a PPV I remember really enjoying at the time! Also, I’m gonna watch all these shows IN ORDER for the first time ever while writing these rambles! Why? Because fuck it, why not .

 

The Undertaker Vs Triple H Vs The Big Show Vs Vladimir Kozlov Vs Jeff Hardy Vs Edge – WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Undertaker successfully makes his entrance without being set on fire. He would not be so lucky a year later .

Edge, the champion, is starting this match out with Jeff Hardy who beat him for the belt in December before dropping it right back to him in January at the RR.

So Edge and Jeff go back and forth for a couple of minutes, then Edge attempts a Spear, and Jeff counters it into a rollup and…

HOLY SHIT JEFF JUST ELIMINATED THE WWE CHAMPION FROM THE MATCH BEFORE THE FIRST 5 MINUTES WERE UP!!! WE ARE GUARANTEED A NEW CHAMPION!!! EDGE IS NO LONGER THE WWE CHAMPION!!!

While I didn’t watch this show live in 09, I did see it spoiler free the next morning and I was lol. Was a very cool and very unexpected moment, and of course meant that EDGE WAS NO LONGER THE CHAMPION .

Unfortunately all the excitement of Edge being eliminated is killed dead when Kozlov is the next guy in.

Huh, I seem to have blacked out for 5 minutes. Big Show has just entered the match .

So for the next five minutes, we have Show and Kozlov take turns at trying to out-do each other… mostly with boring slams, headbutts and clubbing blows, aka the basic strong guy offence from the 70’s.

Hardy’s offence on comebacks here . He just kinda runs with his arms in the air and… runs into his opponents in hopes that it’ll do something .

Time for Kozlov and Show to go after each other now instead of eliminating Hardy because that’s too smart for them.

Just as the crowd are about to fall asleep, THE GAME TRIPLE H enters into the match and takes everyone out!!!

Poor Undertaker is having to watch all this while inside a pod still. He’s getting frustrated and starts smacking the pod. SHIT GONNA GET SERIOUS WHEN HE GETS RELEASED . Fans are chanting for him too because fuck what’s happening in the ring atm lol.

UNDERTAKER TIME . He fucking runs out and starts punching the absolute shit out of Big Show .

In the ring he does the same to Kozlov, and Kozlov simply CANNOT take Snake Eyes. At all. Ever .

Awesome spot with Undertaker walking the ropes for Old School on HHH, but decides to dive on Big Show on the outside instead!!! He gets caught though, and counters Show with a DDT ON THE STEEL . Then he goes back in the ring and hits Old School on HHH like nothing happened .

LAST RIDE TO KOZLOV~!

Bye bye Kozlov, please never come back!

CHOKESLAM~! I guess it’s time for The Big Show to be dominant . He launches HHH over the ropes onto the steel, then throws Jeff onto him! HHH was supposed to catch Hardy for safety, but it looked more like HHH just slammed him even harder onto the steel floor lol.

Spider Jeff, Spider Jeff, does whatever a Spider Jeff does. Can he wrestle, better than Matt? No he can’t, cos he’s kinda shit. Look out, it’s a Spider Jeff.

SUPERPLEX TO BIG SHOW~!

PEDIGREE TO BIG SHOW~!

SWANTON FROM THE TOP OF A POD TO BIG SHOW~!

HHH PINS THE BIG SHOW~!

BIG SHOW IS ELIMINATED~!

TOMBSTONE TO JEFF~!

JEFF HARDY IS ELIMINATED~!

We are now down to the final 2; Triple H and THE UNDERTAKER .

The final 2 men here were both winners of individual elimination chamber matches the previous year at this event! Just some random TRIVIA for ya .

This entire part of the match just sees both HHH and Undertaker exchanging signature and finisher moves in a desperate attempt to win the WWE Championship and GO TO WM AT THE CHAMPION, so while I would normally dislike them doing that, here it makes sense for them to just bust out all their best shit.

they repeat the spot from the 08 SD chamber with Undertaker/Batista and that awesome Tombstone spot . Only difference here is that HHH gets his foot on the ropes to break up the 3 count .

PEDIGREE~!

KICKOUT~!

PUNCH EXCHANGE~! Kinda . for Undertaker’s punches… not so much for HHH’s .

LAST RIDE COUNTERED INTO A PEDIGREE~!

13 TIMES THE GAME~! HHH is now a 13 time champion. Yey?

Great way to finish this match, which was kinda dull for the most part.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Edge is making excuses for losing. Vickie flat out tells him it’s his own fault that he lost . So now Edge has to come up with a plan to still headline WM with the title. Or maybe… maybe another title?

 

FISH MARKET~! Glad they showed us that…

 

Randy Orton Vs Shane McMahon – No Holds Barred Match

Orton PUNTED Vince in the head, and then somehow prevents getting punished in any way by claiming to be mental. So, Shane has to get revenge himself in a match. WRESTLING LOGIC~!

Hope we see some more SHADOW BOXING from Shane in this match .

Also… like, why didn’t the McMahon’s just order EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROSTER TO MURDER RANDY? It’s what I would do lol .

Really like how this match is being worked. Shane is fucking FURIOUS at Orton and goes at him head on, perhaps surprising Orton and allowing the non-wrestler to gain control. However Shane is more focused on HURTING Orton, and spending time looking for weapons gives Orton the time to recover and take control of shit.

MONITOR TO THE HEAD OF ORTON~! Holy fuck that was a pretty sick shot. In the world of PG NO BLOOD, Orton is bleeding, and one half of his face is covered in blood!!!

And of course that let’s Orton show off his awesome “possibly concussed” selling .

With Orton out of it, Rhodes and DiBiase run down to help out, but even they end up feeling the MCMAHON WRATH~!

COAST TO COAST WITH A TRASH CAN TO CODY~!

Orton is still DEAD and on an announce table, so Shane goes back to the top rope for a huge elbow drop and…

ORTON MOVES~! SHANE THROUGH A TABLE~! SHANE IS DEAD~!

Wow, Orton showing CONCERN for Cody, screaming at Ted to take him to the back and make sure he’s ok.

Love the image of just one side of Orton’s face being covered in blood. People at the time were talking about how it reflected his character at the time. One moment he’s regular Randy, then the next he’s lost his mind and PUNTING people due to a mental illness.

Shane is fucked from the table spot, but he REFUSES to be pinned, so Orton sets up the table that Shane originally brought out from under the ring. If Shane ain’t gonna stay down, Orton is gonna MAKE HIM!

SUPERPLEX THROUGH THE TABLE~!

SHANE STILL KICKS OUT~!

PUNT COUNTERED INTO A SPEAR~! Looked pretty fantastic too. Not some show-y Spear by a professional, but a fucking hard hitting tackle by a non wrestler trying to make it look as good as possible.

Shane starts beating the shit out of Orton’s ankles with a chair, and Orton begs him off… only to get cracked in the back with the chair .

Shane setting up Orton for a PUNT of his own! The ultimate payback… RKO~!

This one is done. And it was pretty sweeeeeeet. Shane O’Mac having a better match with Orton than most of the roster for the last few years .

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Jack Swagger Vs Finlay – ECW Championship Match

I was a huge Swagger fan around this time. Finlay is fucking FINLAY. They had a great match or two on ECW TV around this time… but for some reason I’m the only person on the planet who doesn’t think this match is that good.

FINLAY OUT-WRESTLING SWAGGER~!

Finlay works the leg of Swagger for the opening moments of the match, then Swagger gains control and works on Finaly’s arm and honestly it’s all kinda dull.

Both men fumble around for a bit longer, then Hornswoggle keeps showing up and distracting Finlay because he’s a complete fucking moron.

Swagger wins.

Yeah still don’t like this. Do not understand any love this match gets.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Shawn Michaels Vs JBL

If JBL wins, HBK works for JBL for the rest of his life! If HBK wins, he’s free of JBL and gets all the money JBL promised him.

JBL is in the mind of the Heart Break Kid from the moment this match begins. He tells Shawn that all it takes is ONE mistake and he’s his forever. HBK finally unleashes weeks of frustration from not being able to touch JBL, just wailing on JBL, who is STILL smiling because he knows an ANGRY HBK is more likely to make a mistake. In fact, JBL grabs a chair and hands it to Shawn, knowing full well that if Shawn uses it, he’s gonna get DQ’d and he’ll be owned by JBL for the rest of his life!!!

PUNCHES TO THE FACE~! Still just fucking love when JBL starts throwing those massive punches to his opponent in the corner.

BEARHUG~!

JBL is trying to weaken HBK’s back here, and even tries to set him up for a massive Superplex, only for Shawn to fight out of it and fly through the air with an elbow drop and… crash and burn .

CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~!

HBK is now the property of JBL for the rest of his life!!!

NO!!! HBK KICKS OUT!!!

ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL~! This time HBK collapses to the outside, and JBL might win the rights to HBK via countout!!!

HBK MAKES IT BACK IN~!

JBL is starting to get frustrated at HBK, so he throws Shawn back outside right in front of his wife and starts to taunt her, only to get CRACKED IN THE FACE by Rebecca!!! Shouldn’t that be a DQ?

It seems that seeing his wife deck JBL has given HBK new life, and now JBL is the one reeling!!!

SWEET. CHIN. MUSIC.

Shawn Michaels is free of JBL, and is now financially stable once again!!!

I loved this whole angle between JBL and Shawn, and this match was a pretty darn good pay off too. Plus, HBK comes out the next night all happy and joyful and CHALLENGES THE UNDERTAKER TO A MATCH AT WM, giving us the classic WM 25 match!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Very slow boring Jericho promo backstage on why he’s going to win tonight.

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho Vs Rey Mysterio Vs Mike Knox Vs Kane Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Elimination Chamber Match

Kofi Kingston was supposed to be in this match, but on his way to the ring, EDGE attacks him from behind and steals his spot in the match because WRESTLING LOGIC~!

Totally forgot MIKE KNOX was in this match :match:.

We start things off with Jericho Vs Rey, who would go on to feud throughout the rest of the year. Huh, last year this chamber match started off with HBK Vs Jericho who also feuded throughout the year. COINCIDENCE? I THINK SO!

Jericho lobs Rey into Kane’s pod, and Kane just stands looking at Rey like he’s having the time of his life .

KANE ENTERS NEXT~! Well, time for Rey to die .

at Edge cowering from Kane despite being separated by BULLET PROOF PLASTIC.

Why have I only noticed that Kane does a Homer Simpson impression every time he lands a big punch or kick? D’OH! D’OH! D’OH!

BAH GAWD KANE IS DOMINATI… Oh wait 619 + Code Breaker + Seated Senton from THE TOP OF A POD and Kane is eliminated from the match FIRST .

KNOX . Why is it that WWE actually get big guys who CAN WORK… they do fuck all with them and release them shortly after, meanwhile big guys who can BARELY WALK stick around for years, main event PPV’s and win world titles?

KNOX has Rey upside down and tied up in the chain wall, smashing his head in .

BAH GAWD KNOX IS DOMINATI… Oh wait Code Breaker and Mike Knox is eliminated from the match .

KOFI EDGESTON is the next man inside the chamber! Rey is friends with Kofi so he is fucking PISSED that Edge would do such a thing. Remember when Edge and Rey were tag champs? Well now Rey is at the mercy of Edge and Jericho, who later in the year would also become tag champs together!

This just about sums things up atm:

now Edge and Jericho are spit roasting Rey on the ropes .

Cena time. Yawn.

BAH GAWD CENA IS DOMINATI… Oh wait Code Breaker + 619 + Spear and Cena is eliminated from the match .

So like the previous EC match, we are now guaranteed to get a NEW champion!

Jericho is gone next, leaving us with Rey Vs Edge.

And for the rest of the match, we get one of the most spectacular finishing stretches in any WWE match ever. Even puts HHH/Taker to shame earlier in the night. Rey takes some incredible bumps during this time too, especially that one into the side of the pod .

In the end, it’s EDGE that picks up the win, making him the first/only (?) man to walk into a PPV as WWE champ, lose it, then leave the same PPV as the NEW WHC!

Match has some dull moments, but nowhere near what the SD chamber had. This is overall much better, and a ton of fun!!!

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 11

 

Judgment Day 2008

 

The final 2008 PPV, then I only have… ONE YEAR TO WATCH~!

 

Huh, JBL and Cena are having a match on this event? Following Show chokeslamming Cena through a giant light? Wait… wrong JD event .

 

JBL Vs John Cena

Actually kinda looking forward to this. These two have had some… crap matches, and some good matches. If JBL spends most of the match punching the fuck out of Cena I should enjoy this one .

Tie=ups and headlocks. What the fuck, Jibble? PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE ALREADY.

Arm work? What the fuck, Jibble? PUNCH HIM IN THE MOTHERFUCKING FACE ALREADY.

BACKLUND SPOT~! And for those who don’t know what that is… first, SHAME ON YOU. Secondly, it’s when someone is in an arm lock and then just power their opponent up off the mat and stand up while holding them with one arm and it’s impressive as fuck every damn time. A little difference here though as Cena seemingly can barely lift up Mr Jibbles.

FUCK YES. JBL IS PUNCHING CENA IN THE FACE!!!

ONE ARM CENA COMEBACK~!

at JBL moving out of the way of that top rope leg drop. He basically did a fucking back bump .

And we’re back to arm work… and then a bearhug. That’ll fuck the arm up even more, honest .

So now JBL is working the mid-section of Cena… Maybe I missed something?

Ha, nicely timed replay from WWE there to show me a spot with JBL dropping Cena stomach first onto the ropes! Now things make the sense .

But just because it makes sense doesn’t mean it’s good. PUNCH. HIM. IN. HIS. MOTHERFUCKING. CUNTY. FACE. PLEASE.

Cena is pretty much dead right now, but JBL keeps punishing him more and more rather than getting a potential win already. WHAT ARE THE ODDS THIS WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT HIM?!?!

RIGHT AS I WROTE THAT, CENA HIT AN F-U OUT OF NOWHERE AND WON .

I mean, this isn’t awful, just the complete opposite of what I was expecting. I wanted a FIGHT, not Mr Jibbles applying arm locks and bear hugs for 90% of the match.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

GM KING REGAL just randomly sat in the crowd watching. Best part of the PPV so far .

 

John Morrison & The Miz Vs Kane & CM Punk – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

How very random. Kane & Punk teaming up? For the tag titles? Ok.

Oh yeah, Kane is still the ECW Champ too, so no title defence on PPV for that belt.

Honestly I’m just gonna skip this. AIN’T NOBODY (ME) GOT TIME FOR THAT (THIS)!

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Chris Jericho

HBK faked a leg injury so he could beat Batista. HBK LIED TO EVERYONE AND FAKED AN INJURY but nobody seems to care and that eats away at Jericho. On the surface this whole feud starts off well… but once they start having matches and Jericho starts pretending to be a super slow version of Nick Bockwinkle, it all goes downhill .

That being said, I always thought this was the best match of their 08 series. Already watched the others and didn’t exactly care for them outside of the ladder match which still had a bunch of problems lol. Wouldn’t surprise me if I still liked this the most, but it likely isn’t going to mean much if it’s the best match of a pretty shitty series.

NATIVE AMERICAN DEATHLOCK~! Wait… what? They can’t call it an Indian Deathlock anymore?

Jericho keeps trying to go after the leg of HBK, which of course he faked the injury on, so Jericho wants to actually injure it. Meanwhile HBK is being a dick and keeps trying to get Jericho to get angry and make mistakes .

RIB WORK~!

Well I’m bored.

SUPERKICK ON THE APRON~!

Jericho is deaded.

Shawn drags his lifeless body into the ring and sets up for another kick, but Jericho keeps falling over, then out of nowhere jumps up and hits the CODEBREAKER~!

CROSSFACE~!

Jericho “blocked” HBK getting his knees up on a Lionsault by simple… landing ribs first on his knees and pretending he block it .

Sloppy rollup type move and HBK wins.

Well this was… boring as fuck. It’s like they watched the Mr Jibbles/Cena match and thought they could out-bore the crowd.

I used to have this at around ****1/4 .

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

GM KING REGAL still just randomly sat in the crowd watching.

 

Mickie James interview. She thinks she’s gonna win cos Cena and HBK won their matches. Makes… sense? Mr Jibbles shows up and tells Mickie to fuck off so he can bitch and moan about Cena. He cuts a good promo, actually. I think Todd shat himself.

 

Mickie James Vs Beth Phoenix Vs Melina – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Holy FUCK at the backstage fight between Beth and Melina on Raw the previous week . Beth fucking MURDERS Melina.

Yes, I’m going to watch this match!!! I like all 3 women involved and not just in a FAP FAP FAP way. I especially wanna see the match now knowing that Melina is gonna want some fucking revenge for nearly dying last week lol.

Beth holds the ropes open and demands Melina fucks off cos she doesn’t belong. Melina kicks the fuck out of her and sends Beth out of the ring!!!

Beth doesn’t take long to recover, and takes Mickie out on the outside so she can get some one on one time with Melina to finish the job she started on Raw .

Mickie seems to keep coming out of nowhere and hitting some crazy cool offence on Melina and Beth, sometimes even with a move that takes them both out lol! Really fun stuff so far .

DROPKICK TO THE FACE~! Damn, Mickie just flattened Beth!!!

DOUBLE BACKBREAKER BY BETH~! SHE HAS BOTH OPPONENTS ON HER SHOULDER IN A SUBMISSION HOLD~!

Beth is looking dominant as fuck, but as she focuses on Mickie, Melina takes her out with a neckbreaker, allowing Mickie to hit Melina with the DDT and get the win!

Well this was short and sweet!!!

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

HBShizzle and Batista backstage. Big Dave says that he told HBK if he was lying, he was gonna destroy him. And he’ll do it soon. AKA Stretcher match at ONS.

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Vacant title on the line here as Vickie stripped the Dead Man of the title after he nearly killed Edge with THAT SUBMISSION MOVE~! The move is also banned now.

DID YOU KNOW?!?! The WWE/World Title has been vacated in the past due to injuries and OTHER REASONS!!!

“IF THERE IS ONE MAN WHO CAN GET INSIDE UNDERTAKER’S HEAD IT’S THAT MAN, EDGE”. Ummm… no, Mick. No.

Knock knock!

Whose there?

PUNCHES TO THE FUCKING FACE~!

Punches to the fucking face whOUCH *collapses*

.

Edge counters OLD SCHOOL and poor Undertaker lands balls first on the ropes and then BOUNCES AROUND before finally hitting the mat .

It’s all downhill from there for the Dead Man, who ends up being send into the ring steps knee first and it looks fucking BRUTAL, then he crashes and burns trying to hit a running boot to Edge in the corner and again takes a big bump knee first into something.

Edge is in firm control by working over the leg of ‘Taker, so much so that when he goes for a cover at one point, a desperate Undertaker even attempts to lock in Hells Gate, but remembers it’s banned and must try something else.

The cocky Edge decides to try his hand at OLD SCHOOL, but ends up also getting countered and falling balls first into the ropes!!!

Throughout this series of matches, one thing that has been consistent is Edge’s ability to counter Undertaker’s signature moves. So, what does Undertaker do? CHANGE THINGS!!! Chokeslam? Nah, CHOKESLAM INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! And then what? Well, might as well follow it up with a running boot, like he would if he’s just hit Snake Eyes!

The Edge Heads show up though to distract Undertaker momentarily, but it isn’t long until the Dead Man is back with another modified signature move to confuse Edge, this time with a TURNBUCKLE LAST RIDE~!

SNAKE EYES ONTO AN EXPOSED TURNBUCKLE~!

SPEAR OUTTA NOWHERE~!

KICK OUT~!

The match has taken it’s toll on both men, and it’s at this point where Undertaker can seemingly go back to his typical offence rather than needing to change it, because Edge is too fucking knackered to counter lol.

CLOTHESLINE OVER THE BARRICADE~!

The referee begins his count as both men battle their way to the ring, but Undertaker at the last moment smashes Edge into the barricade again and makes the count, and THE UNDERTAKER IS THE WINNER AND… not WHC because the title cannot change hands on a countout . BITCH.

Really good match, but without a doubt a step or two behind their epic WM and BL bouts. Still better than the TLC that needs to burn in a fire and die, and probably on par with their HIAC match, if not a little better.

Rating: ***1/4
CAL SCALE – 2

 

MVP shows up for an in ring promo. He’s complaining that he isn’t on the card. Well, I guess SOMEONE has to. He makes an open challenge. Matt Hardy comes out to introduce Jeff.

 

Jeff Hardy Vs MVP

No.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Triple H Vs Randy Orton – WWE Championship Steel Cage Match

30 minutes left on the show . These two are about to have a 30 minute steel cage match.

The bell rings and Orton dives for the door. Never have I wanted a match to end that quickly in my life. Unfortunately HHH ruins it like he ruins everything else. Fucker.

5 minutes in and I think we’ve had about 20 bumps into the side of the cage so far. This is followed up by about 20 more in the span of 2 minutes. Well, if they’re gonna go 30 minutes, they have to fill time with SOMETHING, right? Because we all know they can’t do it with an interesting wrestling match .

GM KING REGAL . He’s still watching and never changing his expression. And about to go into a feud with HHH that doesn’t go all the way because Regal fucks up .

Figure Four Leg Lock spot, with both JR and Lawler constantly saying how Orton will need to find another way out of this hold because even if he reaches the ropes HHH won’t have to let go. The Orton reaches the ropes and the referee does a 5 count and forces HHH to let go .

Orton has a chair now.

10 minutes left and I swear all they’ve done is throw each other into the side of the cage, do the figure four spot, then a couple of spots with a chair.

And now the final 10 minutes are them both battling on the top rope over and over again in the exact same place. Exciting.

Some more chair spots. More exciting.

Pedigree and this is mercifully OVER.

I’m not trying to be funny here. I’m not bitching and complaining and going overboard to try and be entertaining. I literally cannot think of a single good thing that happened in this match. At all.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 2.5

 

Backlash 2008

 

BEWARE THE BACKLASH~!

 

Matt Hardy Vs MVP – WWE United States Championship Match

Please Matt, give me a good MVP match here. PLEASE.

GREAT THROW BY MVP – Michael Cole.

Huh. Seems that was the highlight of the match .

Oh Hardy wins the title btw. Honestly don’t remember him being US champion lol.

Nothing downright awful here… just… nothing remotely worth talking about.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Kane Vs Chavo Guerrero – ECW Championship Match

If I ever invent a time machine, I’m gonna go back to 08 and convince WWE to make this match shorter than their WM match.

Obviously wouldn’t be the first thing I’d do, but it’s on the list. OH IT’S ON THE LIST DAMMIT.

Mike Adamle is contagious. He’s fumbling over his words all the time, and now so is Tazz.

Chavo goes after Kane’s leg. Kane keeps forgetting to sell it. Then he remembers. Then forgets again.

BAM NEELY. NEELEY. NEILY. NEILEY. NEALY. NEALEY. ONE OF THOSE IS RIGHT. Why do WWE love to have a big guy dress in a suit and never speak?

CHOKESLAM. Kane wins.

So this match happened. Kane was kinda terrible. Most he sold the leg was when he walked up the ramp after the match .

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Orton getting interviewed about the 4 way later tonight. No EVE though . I miss evil executive EVE.

 

The Big Show Vs The Great Khali

I’m… oddly looking forward to this. I seem to recall liking this in the past.

BIG SHOW AND KHALI PUNCHING EACH OTHER IN THE FACE~!

HEADBUTT EXCHANGE~!

FLAIR CHOPS~!

Khali clotheslines Big Show to the mat!!!

Holy crap, Khali with the CROSSFACE.

Big Show tries to slam Khali but can’t do it. Because… ummmm… he was tired from the Crossface? It’s like when Cena pretends he can’t pick someone up for a slam, but everyone on the planet knows he could do it with ease.

Now if only these two could start doing some mat work like that Kane/Show match from Raw in 06 .

BIG SHOW SLAMS KHALI~! So after taking MORE punishment than earlier… he can slam Khali now. Because… ummmm… all those rest holds worked?

Khali tries to Khali Bomb Show, but Show powers out and CHOKESLAMS the Punjabi Giant!!!

Aside from a couple of rest spots by Khali, this is a very surprisingly good GIANT battle. For all the hate Khali gets, even from me 99% of the time, the guy DOES have some good performances under his belt and honestly I think this is one of them.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

John Cena randomly backstage with JIMMY WANG YANG~! Didn’t realise that guy was still with the company at this time. Oh look Orton shows up to bore us all. At least he isn’t trying to hit on Cena like last year at Backlash… .

 

Shawn Michaels Vs Batista

Wah wah wah HBK retired Flair and Batista is a giant cry baby wah wah wah.

Jericho is the special guest referee in this match because he… completely randomly inserted himself into this feud and I genuinely don’t think there was ever any reason WHY lol.

So how does everything feel about this match? Don’t remember when the last time I saw this was, I just remember really liking their Stretcher match a month later.

Early parts of this match so far have been really good. Batista throwing Shawn around with his POWER, so HBK has to rely on his quickness to avoid any hard shots and to try and take the ANIMAL down.

BACKLUND SPOT~! And for those who don’t know what that is… first, SHAME ON YOU. Secondly, it’s when someone is in an arm lock and then just power their opponent up off the mat and stand up while holding them with one arm and it’s impressive as fuck every damn time. A little difference here though as Shawn is able to manoeuvre Batista to the ropes and they both go tumbling down!!!

SHOULDER FIRST INTO THE RING POST~! HBK seizes an opportunity to further injure the arm he’s just started working on!

Well, that’s it. HBK is DEAD. I mean DEAD. Passed on. He is no more. He has ceased to be. This is an ex wrestler. And why, you ask? Because Batista just fucking MURDERED HIM with an incredible clothesline .

WAIT, NO! HBK HAS RISEN FROM THE DEAD~! Aaaand apparently Chris Benoit has taken over his body because he’s come back to use the Crossface .

Jericho has to DRAG HBK off Batista when he refuses to release the hold despite the fact Batista grabbed the bottom rope. Careful Chris, the other Chris might put YOU in the Crossface too…

NIP UP~! RIGHT INTO A SPEAR~!

Sweet Chin Music coming right up… SPINEBUSTER~! It seems that Batista has an answer for everything HBK can throw at him on this night!!!

Batista Bomb countered by HBK who lands wrong and seems to be hurt!!! He’s holding his knee and Jericho is doing his best to keep Batista away until… SWEET CHIN MUSIC OUT OF NOWHERE~!

HBK picks up the win, but is his leg really hurt? Is Batista done with HBK? Does Jericho have an ulterior motive for being part of this match? All this and more on the next WWE PPV!!!

Really enjoyed this match!!! Great stuff from both guys. HBK working the arm to try and take the strength away from Batista, and Batista seemingly having an answer for all of HBK’s offence, forcing HBK to fake the leg injury so he can superkick the Animal when he least expects it!!!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Orton cutting a promo on HHH while standing right in front of him… but looking away cos he’s apparently a coward who can’t look into HHH’s face .

 

Beth Phoenix, Victoria, Melina, Jillian, Natalya & Layla Vs Mickie James, Maria, Michelle McCool, Ashley, Cherry & Kelly Kelly

Mickie wins the women’s title from Beth 2 weeks ago on Raw and… instead of a rematch here on PPV, it’s a multi-women clusterfuck tag. No thanks.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Big fan of their WM match, even if it is kinda slow for the first half, but not slow in a bad way imo. I’m also probably one of the bigger fans of this and their JD match too.

Build up for this match was great too, just because it gave us 4 weeks of rather awesome Undertaker TV matches against Kane, Festus, and 2 Batista matches, all of which are definitely worth watching.

I’M GOING TO HURT YOU. Undertaker is seen mouthing that to Edge during the introductions. Now if only Edge had replied with “YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO” .

Foley and Cole keep bringing up shit about how Edge went into WM all cocky because he hasn’t lost to Undertaker before and he knew he could win, but now he’s lost to Taker at WM, how will it effect him mentally? They go back and forth with them mentioning that while yeah, he lost at WM, he still knows he can beat Taker cos he’s done it before. Only thing is, they don’t mention that Edge has only beat Undertaker ONCE… and that was after a brutal cage match with Batista, where Mark Henry destroyed him right after, and Edge cashed in MITB… so if Edge was as smart as the WWE would like to tell you he is… surly the loss at WM will have simply enforced the knowledge that Edge CAN’T beat Undertaker one on one, which is what this match is.

Oh boy did I really go on for longer than I should have on something that is kinda meaningless .

Just days earlier, on SD, Batista hit a SPINEBUSTER on Undertaker right on the steel steps, and Undertaker, despite controlling the early part of this match, shows signs of his back not being 100%. Little things like him selling it after hitting the apron leg drop makes me . And then like at WM, Edge is able to counter a signature Undertaker move, this time with the Edgeomatic, and that allows him to add some extra damage to the Dead Man’s back!

BACK WORK~! And some good back work at that. Dropkicks, submissions, and even those shoulder blocks in the corner, but with Undertaker turned around so the shoulder goes into the back and not the stomach!

The story of the WM match was Edge knowing Undertaker inside and out, and being able to counter move after move from The Undertaker, while here we have Undertaker being able to counter a number of Edge’s counters in order to keep himself in the match despite all the back work done by Edge. And it’s fucking tremendous to watch.

We also see Undertaker going the extra mile to try and take Edge out, including going for a top rope elbow drop, which Edge avoided and holy fuck Undertaker takes one hell of a fucking back bump that a guy his size and age (even in 2008 lol), should NOT be doing. Props to the Dead Man for that.

Spear countered into a DDT by ‘Taker . Another of those great counters from Undertaker!!!

The Edgeheads try to get involved here, with one of them decking Undertaker with the WHC, and another showing up only to be taken out straight away lol.

LAST RIDE~! NO, EDGE COUNTERS~! NO, UNDERTAKER COUNTERS EDGE’S COUNTER~! HELLS GATE~! HELLS GATE~! HELLS GATE~! EDGE TAPS OUT!!! EDGE TAPS OUT!!! THE UNDERTAKER IS STILL THE WHC!!!

The match is over, but The Undertaker is refusing to let go of the hold!!! Undertaker said he was going to hurt Edge, and well, he just fucking did!!!

Unfortunately Undertaker gets stripped of the title due to his misuse of THAT SUBMISSION HOLD, but hey, for now, Undertaker is still champ and this match is fucking tremendous.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Orton backstage again, this time standing outside of JBL’s locker room looking creepy as fuck, like he’s about to barge in and rape him or something… then CM Punk shows up and wishes Orton good luck while flashing his MITB briefcase .

 

Randy Orton Vs Triple H Vs JBL Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

In Time song from The Punisher is the song for the video package here .

The music dies and so goes all my . Because this is like a half hour match and I seem to recall that HHH and Orton are the last 2 guys with a stupid amount of time in a one on one match that’s boring as shit, like most of their matches tend to be.

the bell rings, and Orton steals the belt from the referee, runs at JBL, and gets a boot to the face for his troubles . JBL rules.

JBL then starts caving in Cena’s face with his awesome punches in the corner .

Lots of fast, hard hitting action early on that would make you think this is gonna be a good match. But we all know it’s a lie. Just like cake.

Orton pulls up a chair and lets everyone else battle it out… until Cena fucking CHARGES at him .

Cena gets his moments later though as he’s knocked off the apron and fucking crashes into the announce table. How the fuck it didn’t break on impact is beyond me lol. Cena HAD to have hurt himself there.

Cena has Orton in the STFU, and JBL runs into the ring to… STAND AND MOCK ORTON . This is an elimination match, so it makes PERFECT SENSE . Then HHH appears from behind and locks JBL in a Crossface (which is getting overused tonight…)! Orton escapes the STFU and begins to mock JBL right back until Cena shoves him from behind into HHH and breaks up that submission lol. Fun little segment in this match .

TOWER OF DOOM~!

worst F-U ever to JBL .

STFU TO JBL~! And JBL taps out . JBL was the best thing in this match so far and he’s gone. And while Cena lets go of the submission… PUNT~! Cena has just been eliminated too!!!

And now we have TWENTY MINUTES LEFT with HHH and Orton .

Things get real boring real quick… so much so that I end up watching a “football fails” video on my facebook feed (was hilarious, a bunch of kids getting hit in the face with footballs ), and WWE are apparently also bored cos they keep showing the replay of Cena getting PUNTED .

Orton injures HHH’s mid-section and starts kneeing it and shit and then… HEADLOCK~!

RK…oh? Ummm… I *think* HHH countered it… but it actually looked like HHH went to his knees instead of falling down flat and it came across as more of a botch lol.

Seems Orton is even bored now, and decides to have a mini-match with the steel steps .

Fucking OUCH! HHH counters a Piledriver attempt by tripping Orton up, and Orton just cracks his back and head on the steel steps. Can you say Concussion? Well, Orton probably can’t because his brain just got scrambled .

worst ref bump ever .

RKO~!

PEDIGREE~!

NEW CHAMPION~!

Well, this wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be… but it SHOULD have been so much better. The first part of the match was awesome, and if it carried on like that, this would have been incredible. But JBL and Cena are eliminated together far too early into the match, and once that happened… HHH and Orton just fumbled around for most of their 20 minutes together, which ends up bringing down the entire match. They still gave us some good moments, but overall it is like most of their matches; dull.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 12

 

Survivor Series 2008

 

It’s all about SURVIVAL. Will I make it through this PPV without wanting to shoot myself in the face?!?!

 

At least AC/DC are doing the theme . That should get me through SOME of this show lol.

 

JEFF HARDY WAS FOUND UNCONSCIOUS IN THE STAIRWELL OF HIS HOTEL THIS AFTERNOON~! But don’t worry fans, WWE OFFICIALS are investigating! So… no police?

 

Shawn Michaels, Cryme Tyme, Rey Mysterio & The Great Khali Vs JBL, John Morrison, The Miz, Kane & MVP – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

HBK relegated to OPENING THE SHOW. LOL.

Yey, Mysterio gets to start the match against… MVP. Mostly Very Poopy.

Rey does some double team shit with JTG. MAYBE HE’S AN HONORARY MEMBER OF CRYME TYME~! Wow, who is feeding Cole lines? Donald Trump?

JTG is eliminated already .

MVP gets eliminated immediately after by Khali .

Khali Vs Kane time! YEY JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED!!!

KANE CAN DELIVER THE KISS OF DEATH AT ANY MOMENT. Ummm… what?

No seriously. What?

Kane is eliminated . Wow. Guessing this match isn’t getting a lot of time .

SHAD IS WEARING SHOES THAT AREN’T NORMALLY WRESTLING SHOES LET’S DISCUSS THIS DURING THE MATCH BECAUSE WE ALL SUCK AT ACTUAL COMMENTARY~!

Shad is eliminated. Probably because he isn’t wearing the right shoes.

We’re down to 3 on 3, so HBK decides to get involved in the match. HOW ABOUT GETTING INVOLVED WHEN ONE OF YOUR TEAM IS BEING PINNED SO YOU CAN BREAK IT UP?!?! WHY DOES THAT NEVER HAPPEN IN THESE MATCHES??!!

Lawler: That’s one of the most impressive moves Miz and Morrison have!

JR: Tagging?

JBL PUNCHING HBK’S FACE IN .

HBK gets workover for a bit by Miz and Morrison and meh I don’t care.

LOL Miz is eliminated.

Meanwhile Khali is still in the match .

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant and I honestly don’t know why. JBL and Rey are in the ring. Are they chanting it at Khali on the apron?

JBL is great in this, but the rest of his team have been utterly useless tbh.

HBK’s team was pretty useless too, but at least he had Rey as well lol.

*sigh* JBL gets COUNTED OUT.

Superkick to Morrison and this is over. How… pointless this whole thing was.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Michelle McCool, Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Maria Vs Beth Phoenix, Jillian Hall, Kelly Kelly, Candice Michelle & Mickie James – Traditional Survivor Series Elimation Match

Hmmmm…

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Casket Match

Oh, wait, no. No here. This is a BIG SHOW BLIP in their epic series of matches .

The casket gets a longer entrance than most guys in the opening elimination tag got in the ring .

I’m also a bigger fan of the casket than most of the guys in the opening elimination tag .

Big Show, like all giants (apparently…), is terrified of the casket. LOL.

MATCH STARTS WITH PUNCHES . Well at least I’ll get SOME enjoyment out of this .

LED DROP TO BIG SHOW THROUGH THE ANNOUNCE TABLE~!

UNDERTAKER IS IN THE CASKET~! But Big Show is too scared of the casket to close it himself at first, so Undertaker is able to block the closing of the casket.

Less casket more FACE PUNCHING please.

SECOND ROPE CHOKESLAM TO BIG SHOW~!

NORMAL CHOKESLAM TO UNDERTAKER~!

BIG SHOW BREAKS THE CASKET~!

He’s had enough of this shit and decides to fuck off. Don’t blame him. This stipulation does not suit Taker Vs Big Show.

Undertaker on the other hand, he sits up and wants to continue fucking up Big Show.

WALL OF FIRE~!

Druids bring out another casket.

Big Show stands it up.

FACE PUNCHES~!

Undertaker Irish Whips Big Show into the casket which falls over and the lid shuts and this is over .

Urgh. What a bad match with a dumb finish lol.

Rating: 1/4*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The colon people are hitting on the Bella Twins backstage and then… the things get weird as other people randomly show up and get a PPV pay off lol.

 

Oh hey Team Orton. He has Regal and Henry. No way he can lose. Except Shelton and Cody are also on the team. Cody and Orton are having problems.

 

Randy Orton, Mark Henry, William Regal, Shelton Benjamin & Cody Rhodes Vs Batista, R-Truth, CM Punk, Matt Hardy & Kofi Kingston – Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Match

If only this was a 2 on 2 tag with Henry & Regal Vs Punk & Hardy. Ah well, I’m still hoping for some fun here. Also kinda expecting to be disappointed. Which is what being a WWE fan has done to me. I am able to both look forward to and dread something at the SAME TIME .

Oh FUCK YOU WWE. Regal is eliminated within SECONDS.

See? I look forward to some Regal Vs Punk stuff in this match, and I get it. For like 10 seconds.

we did get Layla throwing her shoe at Punk’s face after the pin though .

HERE COMES THE UHHH… CODY RHODES~!

SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT MATT STRIKER UP. 70% of his commentary is him trying to give wrestlers some new tag lines and nicknames.

Cody says he’s everything his father isn’t. Well he’s certainly not over, so yeah, I agree.

half of Truth’s offense seems to be him jumping in the air and spinning. Oh yeah he’s just been eliminated too and NOBODY CARES . Seriously. The fans didn’t react, the commentators didn’t react, and I sure as fuck didn’t react.

I think Kofi just got eliminated too. I was busy not caring when it happened apparently .

Punk has also been eliminated.

HARDY VS HENRY TIME . I hope they forget it’s a tag and just wrestle each other for 10 minutes.

Oh well. Hardy pinned. Leaves Batista on his own and he immediately comes in and Spears Henry to eliminate him. Dammit.

BATISTA BOMB~! Shelton goes next.

Cody and Orton are the last 2 guys for Batista to eliminate.

BATISTA BOMB TO CODY~! But Orton tagged himself in, sneaks up behind Batista and hits the RKO to win the match!!!

This was a pile of shite. Who the fuck books the eliminations in these matches? Because they need firing.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

EVE~!

 

Video package for Jeff Hardy… WHO WON’T BE COMPETING TONIGHT .

 

Triple H Vs Vladimir Kozlov – WWE Championship Match

Jeff was supposed to be in this match to make it a triple threat but he died in a stairwell or something and couldn’t make it. WWE really blurred the lines of reality and kayfabe because with all of Hardy’s drug issues in real life, people legitimately thought he’d OD’d in a stairwell and wouldn’t be able to compete tonight lol. Of course it was all FAKE~!

Just what a HHH/Kozlov match needs; rest holds within the first 20 seconds!!!

TNA chants .

Oh god I still have Jericho/Cena to go after this. And I fucking hate Jericho/Cena too. My god this entire PPV is awful .

Edge shows up to make it a triple threat match again. Everyone thinks Jeff Hardy has finally made it but nope, it’s Edge. With a beard. Beardge?

Fans are loving it because an arena of black guys would cheer Hogan coming out if it meant an end to the boredom of HHH Vs Kozlov.

Oh hey Jeff IS here too. Chair to HHH. Chair to Kozlov. Spear from Edge. Edge pins HHH. New champ.

Match was awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit. And awful. And terrible. And shit.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Chris Jericho Vs John Cena – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Cena breaks his neck and his return match is on PPV for the title. Because stuff.

Alrighty, this one STARTS off good. Jericho works the neck and Cena gives us a nice callback to his SS match when he goes to climb the ropes for that legdrop, but thinks better off it since the last time he did it he broke his neck.

CENA SENT INTO THE RING POST~!

CENA SENT INTO THE RING STEPS~!

JERICHO TRYING TO RIP CENA’S HEAD OFF~!

CENA NO SELLING EVERYTHING SO HE CAN HIT HIS 5 MOVE OF DOOM~!

JERICHO GOING BACK TO THE LIONTAMER VERSION OF THE WALLS OF JERICHO FOR ADDED PRESSURE ON CENA’S NECK~!

F-U~!

TOP ROPE LEG DROP BECAUSE FUCK IT MY NECK ALREADY BROKE DOING IT WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN THIS TIME~!

MORE NO SELLING OF THE NECK~!

NEW WHC~!

FINALLY MADE IT THROUGH THIS PILE OF SHIT~!

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – -1

 

Cyber Sunday 2008

 

Big freakin’ deal.

 

Rey Mysterio Vs Kane – No Holds Barred

Wish this was a Burlap Sack on a Pole Match instead .

Gotta love WWE and their choices. No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere, or 2 out of 3 Falls. Basically 2 street fights and a normal match with more than 1 fall. Hmmm… match with weapons or match without weapons? I WONDER WHAT THE WWE UNIVERSE WILL CHOOSE!!!

Rey MISSED KANE on a dive. HE MISSED A 7 FOOT MONSTER .

AWESOME spot from Kane with a sliding dropkick right into Rey’s back who is wrapped around the ring post .

Why do wrestlers, usually BIG GUYS, run the ropes to do a dropkick… but STOP and then jump for the legdrop? WHAT’S THE POINT OF RUNNING FIRST?!!?

DID YOU KNOW? Kane is MUCH LARGER than Rey! Great insight brought to you by Jerry “atric” Lawler!!!

Gotta love how the fans get super fired up any time Rey gets some offense in, then Kane hits a clothesline or a big boot to put him back down and the crowd just DIE.

Rey using more of his SWASHBUCKLING style here!!!

REY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF KANE WITH A CHAIR~!

CHOKESLAM COUNTERED INTO A 619~!

THAT STUPID LOOKING SPLASH~!

REY PINS KANE~!

Fun match, but not as good as their No Mercy bout. Man, been so long since I started my PPV Rambles with that show lol.

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

DIVA HALLOWEEN COSTUME CONTEST~! Fans vote for who they wanna fap over the most. Michelle McCool is dressed as a slutty army girl. Katie Lea is a vampire. Lena Yada (who?) is… someone from Mortal Kombat? Candice Michelle is Marilyn Monroe and does an awful singing impression.

 

Jericho backstage with Cody, Ted and MANU. Jericho tries to manipulate them to take out Batista like they did Punk at Unforgiven. They basically tell him to fuck off .

 

Teddy Long shows up with his assistant TIFFANY . I miss THE TIFF. Anyway, Long is here to announce the winner of the ECW title match vote!

 

Matt Hardy Vs Evan Bourne – ECW Championship Match

The choices were Bourne, Henry and Finlay. Wow, the fans really couldn’t go wrong here!

EVAN BOURNE CAME FROM VIRTUAL OBSCURITY~! I guess that was a dig at Indy promotions lol…

Total Evan Bourne show for the first half of this match. Guy looks incredible. He’s flying around doing cool shit while also taking Matt to the Mat (hahaha) and looking dominant there too. But then Matt’s experience comes into play and he counters a high risk move by dragging Bourne back first across the ropes in an awesome looking spot .

Hardy is working the back over of Bourne. Matt Striker tries to get the fans to feel his pain with the line “ANYONE WHO HAS COUGHED OR SNEEZED HARD CAN IMAGINE HIS PAIN TIMES 100” .

SPINNING HEEL KICK TO COUNTER AN AXE HANDLE SMASH~!

With that, Bourne is able to make a comeback and from here on out its back and forth as both men desperately want to win and be the ECW champion!!!

After an awesome finishing stretch between the two, a Twist of Fate puts an end to Bourne’s title dreams for now.

Super fun match.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

MOAR DIVAS~! Beth Phoenix is a GLADIATOR. I’m sure there is a pubes joke somewhere there. Jillian is BATWOMAN. MARIA IS A BUNNY. She hops . Kelly Kelly is a sailor. Yawn.

 

Cryme Tyme Vs The Miz & Morrison

So what could we choose between here?

Mickie James & Jamie Noble (how odd…) Vs Layla & Regal. Because…???

Cryme Tyme Vs Jiz & Morrison…

and Punk & Kofi Vs Cody and Teddy with the titles on the line.

can’t believe what won the vote. Skipping like a mofo.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

More divas in potentially hot outfits? Ok! THE TIFF as a sexy sister! I’d get on my knees for her . Brie Bella is a… Egyptian? Natalya is a cop with handcuffs. Dirty slut . Eve as a Ninja Turtle! I’m still a little confused about finding that hot .

 

Jericho wants Khali in his corner tonight against Batista. Khali apparently says no. Takes him 2 minutes to say it, but he says NO and nothing else lol.

 

Santino Marella Vs Honky Tonk Man – WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Didn’t care for Santino, but did love the HONK-A-METER lol. Santino is at 11 weeks, compared to the 64 weeks of HTM. He’s close .

Piper (RIP ), Goldust and THE HONKY TONK MAN were the choices here. HTM wins over Piper by 1%!

I’VE GOT MY LONG SIDEBURNS AND MY HAIR SLICKED BACK I’M COMING TO YOUR TOWN IN MY PINK CADILLAC~!

As a “wrestler” I never cared for HTM. As an “entertainer”? AWESOME.

HTM dancing .

Santino dancing. Not marking out here.

CHEAP SHOT TO HONKY~!

Well this was a nothing match. Beth gets Santino DQ’d in about a minute. Not a dud cos HTM was awesome.

After the match ends, GOLDUST and PIPER come out to make sure Santino doesn’t leave the arena without an asskicking.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Yey divas time again! Maryse is a sexy french maid. She’s also dressed up as one here . Layla is Princess Lea… but not the gold bikini outfit . Victoria is PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME . MICKIE JAMES IS LARA CROFT AND IS AUTOMATICALLY THE WINNER.

 

The Undertaker Vs The Big Show – Last Man Standing Match

Other options were KNOCKOUT MATCH and I Quit. I’d have been ok with any tbh.

Watching this hours before SummerSlam 2015 that will feature THE UNDERTAKER VS BROCK LESNAR. This is likely gonna be the better match of the two . Not that I don’t think Taker and Lesnar can have a great match tonight, but Undertaker in 08 was head and shoulders above pretty much everyone else in the company at the time and his chemistry with Show was fantastic. In 2015 he’s definitely lost a step or two, and Lesnar’s new style doesn’t give them the same chemistry they had in 2002/2003.

Big Show is walking to the ring for a LAST MAN STANDING MATCH WITH THE UNDERTAKER… and he’s fucking SMILING. Now THAT is one cocky heel bastard!!!

When a match starts with Undertaker blasting people IN THE FACE with punches, I know I’m in for a good time .

BIG BEEFIE BASTARDS BEATING THE BEJEBUS OUT OF EACH OTHER .

One of my fav spots ever. Undertaker puts the chair on Show’s throat and then rams him into the ring post . He did it quite a bit during his BIG EVIL heel days and it totally fucking rocked. He also took out BIG VIS in 04 during the JBL feud.

APRON LEG DROP~! Undertaker TARGETING THE THROAT~!

Love how Big Show started the match being able to get his hands up to protect himself against most of the punches from ‘Taker, but as this match goes on he struggles to keep his hands up, which is one of the more difficult things to do in boxing. Would have loved to have seen Big Show in a pro boxing match at some point lol.

The side of Big Show’s face were all the punches have been landing is RED. Ain’t nothing fake about this match .

BIG SHOW PUNCHES TAKER IN THE FACE WITH A TV MONITOR~!

SUPERKICK BY THE BIG SHOW~!

UNDERTAKER PUNCHES BIG SHOW WITH A STEEL CHAIR~!

CHOKESLAM THROUGH A TABLE~! THE UNDERTAKER IS DEAD~! FOR REALSIES~! NAH HE GETS UP BEFORE THE COUNT OF 10~!

Undertaker on his knees telling Big Show to bring it, while he continues to try and throw punches that have no effect on the GIANT .

Another huge Chokeslam to The Undertaker, and Big Show believes it’s over. He NEEDS it to be over. But Undertaker isn’t going to give up.

KNOCKOUT PUNCH~!

OMG THE UNDERTAKER SITS UP AT 7~! Big Show simply cannot believe it, and goes for a steel chair to finish the job once and for all.

CHAIRSHOT TO THE HEAD~!

Big Show picks Undertaker up for another Knockout Punch, but Undertaker counters and applies the HELLS GATE out of nowhere!!! Big Show taps out immediately but it means nothing here!!! BIG SHOW IS OUT!! THE REFEREE BEGINS THE COUNT!!!

The Big Show cannot answer the 10 count, and THE UNDERTAKER is the LAST MAN STANDING!!!

Good god what a match!!! Just fucking awesome. 2 guys beating the absolute shit out of each other until one man cannot go any more . THIS IS PRO WRESTLING.

Rating: ****1/4
CAL SCALE – 6

 

Jericho is demanding that Mike Adamle (GOAT GM) put an end to the special guest referee vote for tonight. Jericho gets a text (OMG IT’S KEVIN NASH) and walks off instead.

 

Tazz gives us the results of the DIVA COSTUME CONTEST. Mickie James wins because DUH.

 

Triple H Vs Jeff Hardy – WWE Championship Match

the other options for HHH’s opponent tonight were VLADIMIR KOZLOV, or a triple threat with VLADIMIR KOZLOV STILL INVOLVED . Why even bother with a fucking vote for this? Putin wouldn’t even vote for Kozlov…

Well, I’m happy this match was chosen. HHH and Jeff typically have excellent chemistry. A few blips here and there, but overall they’ve been having great matches together since 2001 (remember their IC title matches? GO WATCH NOW).

at Hardy. He hits a sweet armdrag on HHH and just screams “YEEEEAAAAAHHHH” afterwards. Crowd love it . I get a kick out of it too lol.

“Match starts with Jeff doing the whole “nobody thinks I can wrestle so I’ll do basic wrestling moves to prove them wrong and put my opponent off his game” schtick, but quickly goes back to his high risk offence and unfortunately he crashes and burns allowing HHH to take control. Not really sure what I think to the opening parts of the match tbh. Yeah, Jeff did the “unexpected” to try and take HHH off his game and shit, but then that leads to Jeff just doing his usual shit and it backfires on him. So uhhh… why even bother with the “wrestling” stuff before hand? Might as well have had Jeff go all out to begin with, rocking HHH with some quick, high impact moves before HHH finally avoids something because Jeff went to the well far too often. Transitions into HHH’s control segment the same way, but doesn’t waste the time at the start of the match lol.”

I wrote that about their No Mercy match, and well, copy and pasting it made sense because this match starts off THE EXACT SAME lol. In fact, structure-wise, this is pretty much the same match as their No Mercy match. After Hardy crashes and burns, HHH takes control. Hardy makes some little comebacks while HHH cuts him off, then slowly as the match progresses, Hardy’s high risk style becomes more and more of a GAME changer.

The main difference here is the finishing stretch for the match, with Hardy hitting a Swanton and instead of being caught in a pin, goes for a second one only to be kneed in the back. They end up on the outside, then get back in where Hardy goes for another Swanton but HHH turns it into a Pedigree for the win!

Honestly think I might like this more than their NM match. In fact, I definitely do!

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Chris Jericho Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Austin, Orton and HBK were options for the special guest referee. Austin wins because DUH.

Might i just say, that the pairing of Jericho and Batista, on paper, is DULL AS FUCK. URGH. Just fucking URGH.

Jericho does leg work.

Jericho applies a sleeper instead of a leg submission because he’s retarded apparently.

Austin does referee stuff.

Batista sells the leg.

Callum doesn’t care.

Austin gets taken out.

HBK runs down to take over.

HBK does the slowest count in history.

JBL shows up and takes out HBK because I don’t know why.

Callum still doesn’t care.

Orton takes out Austin.

Jericho hits Batista with the WHC.

Austin stuns Orton.

Batista hits the Batista Bomb.

Batista wins the WHC.

Callum is happy the match is over.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 14

 

Armageddon 2008

 

Hell is upon us. Or rather me. Cos this is probably gonna suck. Don’t remember a single match on the card.

 

Matt Hardy Vs Vladimir Kozlov

Seriously? Of all the fucking people who could face Hardy on PPV… they picked KOZLOV? I guess at least it isn’t a title match… but seriously? Henry. Finlay. Swagger. Hell even Dreamer. But nah, let’s have Matt and Kozlov instead. You know, that big guy that hasn’t had a single good match yet. HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY FAIL??!

Poor Matt. He actually looks terrible early on when he’s throwing punches and kicks at Vlad who is avoiding them all. I don’t know if Matt’s doing them like that because he knows they aren’t going to hit, or if he’s just off his game due to being in the ring with future comedy jobber man.

BACK SUPLEX. INDICITIVE OF KOZLOV’S TRAINING IN SOMETHING CALLED SAMBO. Matt Striker, everyone!

“Kozlov seems cyborg like, void of any emotion” I think the word you are looking for is CHARISMA. He’s void of any CHARISMA.

ARM LOCK.

ARM LOCK.

ARM LOCK.

OMG ANOTHER ARM LOCK~!

Hardy’s arm has been cut open . Guess those ARM LOCKS were more effective than I realised!

Hardy sends Kozlov into the ringpost twice and… it doesn’t really do shit. Kozlov sends Matt into the ringpost once and that’s it for Matt.

So Kozlov is still undefeated at the expense of the ECW champion. Instead of having Matt have an ECW title defence and getting a win on PPV. Fuck the WWE.

Match was dull, but not something I’d call “bad”. Just, no need to ever see it. Ever.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge is backstage with Vickie. Last time I saw these two was during the SS build up and… well Vickie was the one who booked the HIAC and Edge wanted to take her to hell with him. And now they are together again and I genuinely don’t remember why they got back together.

 

Oh yeah and Chavo is nothing more than the coffee boy for Vickie. He’s the 2008 version of Patterson and Brisco, only with less talent and more gay .

 

Hornswoggle spanks Eve. Can’t blame him. Finlay wants him to stay backstage tonight so he doesn’t get hurt. Oh god this isn’t the show with Finlay Vs Khali is it?

 

CM Punk Vs Rey Mysterio

HYPED . The finals of the IC title tournament with the winner facing KING REGAL for the title .

Haven’t seen this match in a looong time. I usually forget about it and only tend to remember their 2010 matches.

MIKE KNOX mention. I should look up the Knox/Mysterio matches again cos they are a ton of fun. FLYING BEAR~!

ARM DRAGS~!

Damn, Rey gets launched over the ropes and just SPLATS on his knees. No wonder he’s had knee surgery and 619 times. Get it? 619? HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.

PUNK LOOKING TO WEY REY~! Well done Cole, I can see why Vince wanted you to replace JR…

Regal with his KOTR throne at ringside to sit on is awesome. None of that sitting with the commentators shite! And then he randomly has Layla with him during this time. She did… absolutely nothing ever, from what I remember .

ARM BAR BY PUNK~!

REY WITH AN ARM BAR AND PUNK MAY TOP IT!!! Cole continues to show greatness…

at Punk’s bump off a dropkick to the back. He quite literally gets hit and runs from one side of the ring to the other and jumps out the ring .

Oh man, totally got a smile on my face right now. Some awesome sequences here between both guys as they try everything to win.

THE SWASHBUCKLING STYLE OF REY MYSTERIO~! WHY DOES VINCE KEEP YOU EMPLOYED, COLE?!?!

GO TO SLEEP~! CM Punk picks up the win over Pirate Rey and destroys his nose in the process! Good job Rey wears a mask, huh?

Really good match, super fun and nothing I can really complain about aside from the awful Cole Commentary lol.

Rating: ***1/2
CAL SCALE – 3

 

Jeff Hardy with a weird backstage promo in the dark.

 

JBL comes out for an in ring segment . This is during the whole “HBK is broke” angle. Don’t care what anyone says, I enjoyed it a ton!!!

 

 

NOBODY TOUCHES JBL!!!

 

HBK comes out to try and explain why he’s broke. Yeah, nobody bought it lol, but hey, the angle was still good!

 

Eve backstage again . Orton is there and Cody shows up with… with… Manu? Remember him?

 

Mark Henry Vs Finlay – Belfast Brawl

I was thinking this was Finlay Vs Khali, but instead it’s HENRY and not Khali .

THE BEEFY VS THE BRAWLER .

So Finlay takes the fight right to Henry and… what? Striker says what?

WE’RE SEEING A DIFFERENT FINLAY RIGHT OFF THE BAT!!!

Different? HOW IS FINLAY GOING HEAD ON TO BEAT SOMEONE UP DIFFERENT? ARE YOU RETARDED? YES. YES YOU ARE. FUCK YOU.

2 minutes into this match and it’s already amazing. I wish Henry when he came WHC got a Punk-length title reign. Henry with the HALL OF PAIN as champ for over a year?

You know how WWE’s trash cans and lids are like, made of tin foil basically and never look like they hurt? Well… Henry fucking BLASTS Finlay in the face with one of the lids and holy shit it looks more brutal than 99% of chair shots EVER.

YOU WANTED A FIGHT? YOU GOT A FIGHT! Henry trash talking .

WEAPON SHOTS~! Love how Finlay starts smacking Henry down with a Kendo stick, then once Henry is on his knees, Finlay throws the weapon away and just knees the World’s Strongest Man in the fucking FACE.

Henry putting a trash can in Finlay’s face while he’s stuck in the corner, then just CRUSHING IT with his GIRTH .

Hornswoggle ignores his dad and shows up anyway, but helps out by throwing in a second Shillelagh (Henry broke the first one lol) which puts Henry away!

haven’t had this much fun with a wrestling match in some time . Excellent street fight between two awesome wrestlers.

Rating: ****
CAL SCALE – 5

 

Divas randomly standing around a christmas tree. SANTA HASS shows up with presents for them. Beth and that fake Italian dude show up to steal the presents only to be chased off by the Boogyman and Goldust. Then everyone starts signing as random people show up.

 

Then it cuts to Mr Kennedy looking confused as fuck before he tells people not to do drugs and watch his straight to DVD/the bin film.

 

Batista Vs Randy Orton

A MATCH FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING~!

Personally I think we should have given it another couple of decades… so it would never happen. Ever.

THE ANIMAL SUCKING IN THE ATMOSPHERE. And soon to be just sucking!

STAY AWAY FROM THE SUDDENNESS OF ORTON~! Cole just keeps coming out with these crackers lol.

Manu and Cody get caught attacking Batista on the outside and the referee sends them to the back. Manu apparently didn’t realise he could come back, and was never seen again .

Oh joy, the third match of the night to feature some ARM WORK…

HEADLOCKS~!

SOME OTHER MOVES~!

I DON’T CARE~!

BATISTA BOMB~!

MATCH IS OVER~!

WAS BORING AS FUCK~!

Rating: 1/2*
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria, Mickie James, Michelle McCool & Kelly Kelly Vs Maryse, Victoria, Natalya & Victoria – Santa’s Little Helper Match

FAP.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Chris Jericho – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Oh god I still have to sit through their Survivor Series match after this too at some point. Hate that match despite most people praising it for whatever reason. Nobody mentions this match so it’s no doubt even worse. Yey…

They have plenty of HATE~! here which is nice I guess… but they aren’t really doing anything worth mentioning.

NO WAIT, YES THEY ARE!!! REST SPOT~!

FINISHER COUNTERS~!

FINISHER KICKOUTS~!

FINISHER COUNTERS~!

SUBMISSION~!

Fuck me this was utterly pointless. Match could have been sucked into a void and it wouldn’t have been any less pointless.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Edge Vs Jeff Hardy Vs Triple H – WWE Championship Match

BEEEHAAAAAAARRRR~! That’s the noise HHH makes when he clotheslines Edge in the turnbuckle .

Wrestling makes no sense sometimes. Well, ok, it never makes sense really, but in the world of wrestling, sometimes it just doesn’t make sense. HHH is about to Pedigree Edge, so what does Jeff do? HIGH RISK MOVE TO STOP IT~! I have to question WHY? Why bother risking your own body to stop HHH hitting his finisher? Let him take out Edge with his finisher, and then simply stop HHH from making a cover. DUH. Doesn’t take a genius to figure this shit out. I mean, I came up with it, didn’t I? That says it all, really.

Seems that HHH has been watching some old Taker/Hardy matches cos he totally took a Twist of Fate like a neckbreaker.

More shit that makes no sense… Ok, so all 3 guys are brawling on the outside by the announce tables. Edge clears one table to get it ready for TABLE SPOT~! Ok, that’s great. HHH gains control of this brawl and… instead of just using the table that’s already set up… decides to clear ANOTHER table instead. Why? So they could do a spot with Edge running from one table to another to Spear Jeff through it. STOP BLATANTLY DOING STUPID SHIT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN A RANDOM SPOT.

Congrats to HHH for hitting the Spinebuster and not tearing his quads!

KOZLOV .

Matt comes out to try and help and… gets taken out, allowing Kozlov to throw Jeff off the ropes and potentially cost him the title . YOU HAD ONE JOB, MATT.

FFS, Hardy goes retarded AGAIN by preventing Edge from doing a Conchairto to HHH. LET HIM DO IT. What happens instead? Hardy stops the Conchairto and… HHH ends up knocking him off the ropes while he’s attempting a Swanton. GOOD JOB JEFF.

PEDIGREE TO EDGE~!

SWANTON TO HHH~!

JEFF HARDY IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION~!

THE FANS HAVE LOST THEIR SHIT~!

SHAME HE LOSES IT A MONTH LATER .

Nothing special here. Standard triple threat match. Not awful, not great, just there.

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 8.5

SummerSlam 2008

 

THE BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER OF THE SUMMER.

 

Jeff Hardy Vs MVP

MVP HAS MADE THIS PERSONAL WITH JEFF. Except I have no idea why cos the commentators never explained it and there was no video package. Yey…

Awesome belly to belly overhead suplex from MVP, sending Hardy into the turnbuckle and folding him up like that musical thingy. Accordion? Yeah, that sounds about right.

MVP punches Hardy to counter a springboard move and Tazz calls it THE STRONG STYLE OF MVP .

MVP does some stuff. Hardy does some stuff. Shelton Benjamin shows up because I don’t know and causes Jeff to miss the Swanton and MVP kicks Jeff and wins and I simply don’t give a fuck.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Maria, Santino and Beth are backstage for an interview segment. Maria’s boobs are defying science by remaining in her top. Some words were spoken by people.

 

Mickie James & Kofi Kingston Vs Beth Phoenix & Santino Marella – Intergender Winner Takes all WWE Women’s & WWE Intercontinental Championship Match

Lillian looking fine. Mickie looking fine. Beth looking fine. That’s all I’m gonna say because FUCK watching a Kofi and Santino match.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

HBK and his wife Rebecca come to the ring to discuss HBK’s future due to his eye getting destroyed by Jericho. Jericho comes out and… POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER!!!

 

 

Matt Hardy Vs Mark Henry – ECW Championship Match

FINALLY, something for me to get excited about!!! HENRY AS ECW CHAMP . HARDY AS HIS OPPONENT .

TWIST OF FATE 30 SECONDS INTO THE MATCH!!! And Tony Atlas pulls Hardy out and… DQ .

Fuck you WWE. I got all excited for this match and it lasts 30 seconds? YOU CUNTS.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

CM Punk Vs JBL – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Ok, actually watched this… well probably about a year ago now BUT IT FEELS LESS THAN THAT TO ME and I remember a ton about it so I’m finally able to get moderately excited about SOMETHING on this fucking show.

JBL hates Punk cos he doesn’t drink. And Punk hates JBL cos… he’s a bully and rapes people in the shower?

So the match starts with JBL trying to be all BEEFY and maul Punk, but Punk is all FUCK YOU AMMA BE FAST AND DIVE ON YOU AND SHIT.

SUPER FALL AWAY SLAM~!

JBL WORKING THE BACK~!

Love those big clubbing blows to the back that JBK does to Punk while Punk is basically sat down. Looks brutal as FUCK.

CM Punk THE MARTIAL ARTS CHAMPION .

JBL applies a CLAW to the ribs of Punk while applying an abdominal stretch . Nice to see SOMEONE making an effort with what is typically a boring as fuck hold lol.

CLOTHESLINE NOT QUITE FROM HELL~!

MULTIPLE ELBOW DROPS~! Gotta be careful with those, Ziggler killed Lawler for a few seconds with that very same sequence!!!

Punk kicks JBL in the face and… JBL LANDS ON PUNK’S HEAD . I don’t even know how such a thing is possible, but it happened.

And that seems to have busted Punk open lol. Ouch!

Fuck me, they show the botched spot in slow motion so we can see just how Punk got busted open. Looks so much worse in slow mo lol.

GTS OUT OF NOWHERE~! PUNK RETAINS! PUNK RETAINS!

Well this match kinda (not really) makes up for the show so far being utter shite. Great match. JBL’s back work is great, and Punk is awesome with his hope spots.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Triple H Vs The Great Khali – WWE Championship Match

So how does WWE follow up a great WHC match? With The Great Khali getting a WWE Title shot.

Smart move HHH, attempt a Pedigree on a fucking GIANT 20 seconds into the match. HE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO COUNTER THAT.

Oh he did. Shock.

DOUBLE ARM CHOKESLAM.

VICE GRIP.

And of course despite those basically being Khali’s finishers, HHH escapes defeat this early into the match and chops Khali’s legs and… walks into a CHOP TO THE HEAD. Which is also one of Khali’s finishers, so obviously this match isn’t over yet cos HHH ain’t losing to no Khali finishers…

YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chants. Are they for Khali or HHH?

VULCAN DEATH GRIP THING. WHY DOESN’T HE JUST USE THE HEAD VICE GRIP INSTEAD LOL?!?! Wrestling Logic: THERE IS NONE!

HHH goes for another Pedigree and they LITERALLY WALK TO THE ROPES so Khali can back body drop him . I hate that spot to begin with, but when they walk over to do it? FUCK OFF.

Pedigree.

HHH wins.

This wasn’t as bad as I was expecting… just because it didn’t last as long as I thought it would . Still a load of crap.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

John Cena Vs Batista

“I’ve never told this to anyone, but for 6 years I’ve been watching you” – John Cena.

So… Cena has been perving on Batista for SIX YEARS.

HOP TOSS AND BODY SLAM FROM CENA OMG THE POWER THE SHEER POWER OF THAT OMG CENA IS THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WWE!!!!! Apparently…

Batista meanwhile nearly rips Cena’s head off with a clothesline, then hits a stalling suplex and nobody gives a shit about HIS power lol.

Batista shouldn’t use the Figure Four. Ever. It’s not that he Miz’s it up, but it just looks stupid as fuck when guys his size use it lol.

immediately after the FF spot, Cena F-U’s Batista over the ropes and the commentators react like it’s nothing. Cole is even LAUGHING while calling the spot . And then Batista just gets back in the ring like nothing happened .

Oh god I HATE Cena’s 5 moves of doom. At least when other people have their “5 moves of doom”, they don’t rely on their opponent running at them and doing certain moves the EXACT SAME WAY EVERY MATCH. Cena needs people to run at him, to go for a clothesline and miss etc, and fuck me it just looks SO BAD.

STFU~!

At one point Cena’s arms AREN’T EVEN TOUCHING BATISTA .

So far this match has been odd as fuck. It was hyped as this big BATTLE between two of the biggest stars of the decade finally meeting for the first time ever in a one on one match. But nothing really HAPPENS in the match. The match starts, then literally only a couple of minutes in, we have Batista using the Figure Four followed up with an F-U over the ropes, then the moment Batista gets back in the ring he’s walking right into Cena’s 5 moves of doom and then it’s a Spinebuster and then the STFU and I’m all WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? How did they fail so bad at just putting on a big BOMB THROWING fest?

Another F-U, this time in the ring and of course Batista kicks out. Then they fight on the ropes and this leads to the finish of Batista catching Cena with a Powerbomb as he tries to do that leg drop move he does. No wait, Cena kicked out of that? I could have sworn that was the finish lol . It kinda broke Cena’s neck though. Batista follows it up with a Batista Bomb and NOW it’s done.

Man, I really remember enjoying this a ton when it happened. Now? Urgh. Just urgh. No structure to the match. They just seem to do moves and none of it really makes sense or looks good. Like I said, they failed at throwing bombs at each other. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

The Undertaker Vs Edge – Hell in a Cell

. Undertaker. Hell in a Cell.

An event with only one good match so far will at least end with a match I am most likely still going to love a lot .

Edge uses his speed to avoid Undertaker’s punches early on, and is even able to escape from the corner numerous times. Seems like a good strategy until… BOOT TO THE FACE .

Knock Knock.

Whose there?

EDGE’S FACE BEING RAMMED INTO THE CELL OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

SPEAR INTO THE STEEL STEPS~!

That hurt the Dead Man, and gives Edge a chance to gain control of the match. So how does he do it? By turning the Hell in a Cell, Undertaker’s match, into HIS match by bringing in Tables, Ladders and Chairs (oh my)! Very smart and probably my favourite aspect of this match.

I UNDERSTAND.

Undertaker has been smacked with chairs, smashed on steel steps, hit with ladders and put through a table. How does he gain the upperhand again? PUNCH TO THE FACE~!

SPEAR THROUGH THE CELL~!

SPEAR THROUGH THE… ECW TABLE?

EDGE WAS RUNNING ON WOOD .

FUCK ME WHAT A CHOKESLAM.

Finisher. Kick out. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout. Finisher. Kickout.

Chokeslam through two tables that were randomly set up earlier in the match for no real reason yey!!

SPEAR BY THE UNDERTAKER~!

CAMERA TO THE FACE OF EDGE~!

CONCHAIRTO~!

Undertaker is dishing out everything Edge did to HIM inside the Hell in a Cell almost a year ago when he cost the Dead Man the title against Batista!!!

Tombstone, and this one is over.

Afterwards, Undertaker chokeslams Edge through the ring and into FIRE, but the lame DVD release/Network version editing kinda ruins the whole moment.

So… this match huh? Well it was good, but I just wasn’t feeling it on this watch. Maybe it’s because I’m not exactly loving wrestling right now, or maybe I’ve just become tired of this match lol. Either way it was disappointing .

Rating: ***
CAL SCALE – 2

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 5

 

Night of Champions 2008

 

EVERY MATCH IS A CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH~!

 

John Morrison & The Miz Vs Finlay & Hornswoggle – WWE Tag Team Championship Match

Seriously? Hornswoggle is Finaly’s tag partner tonight? I have no problem with Hornswoggle being with Finlay, but NOT as his fucking TAG TEAM PARTNER. He shouldn’t be in matches. Ever. Bah. Unless it’s Wee LC. Then it’s ok .

*update* Well it’s been nearly TWO MONTHS since I first started this show . And all I did was write that first sentence . Now I have some alcohol so I’m hoping to get through the show this time lol.

Finlay and a Midget competing for the tag titles against 2 full grown men who are the tag champs. Yeah, ummm, are we HONESTLY supposed to believe that Miz & Morrison have the advantage in this match? Finlay would fucking MURDER the tag champs all by himself . Hell he DOES at a few points lol.

This was actually somewhat fun. Finlay rocks so that’s that. The Hornswoggle stuff was actually really well done too. Nothing worth watching, but if someone forced you to watch it, you wouldn’t want to shoot yourself after. And for a match involving THE JIZ, that’s all you can ever hope for .

Rating: **
CAL SCALE – 0.5

 

Matt Hardy Vs Chavo Guerrero – United States Championship Match

Urgh, Chabo. But Matt Hardy is also in the match. Decision, decisions. Fine, I’ll watch it. Like I said, I have ALCOHOL to get me through the show .

Chabo botches a back body drop.

THE INNOVATIVE OFFENCE OF CHAVO GUERRERO~! fuck off Foley . Or maybe it was JR. I was too busy drinking at the time .

So Mr Chabo is working over the leg and knee of Hardy, and according to Foley, Chabo knows how to do that effectively because he was brought up in the business. Yeah, because that’s the only way to learn how to work a body part…

Thankfully Hardy is an awesome seller so he keeps this match somewhat interesting.

Wanna know something I HATE? Aside from Chabo, obviously. When someone goes for a top rope move and “rolls through” because his opponent avoided it. Which actually means they don’t even ATTEMPT the ACTUAL FUCKING MOVE, then just do a fucking roll off the ropes and it looks downright RETARDED. Even the great Eddie Guerrero would do it from time to time too. It just looks worse when Chabo does it .

Hardy struggles to adjust to only having one leg in this match (because the other is hurting, he hasn’t turned into Zach Gowen all of a sudden. I’m not THAT drunk… yet), and keeps TRYING to his his usual high flying offence but either had to make adjustments mid move that aren’t as effective as he’d like, or Chabo counters by going to the leg. Good stuff .

Chabo goes for the Three Amigos aka LOOK AT ME I’M RELATED TO EDDIE, but Hardy counters the third one into a Twist of Fate and covers for the win!!!

Fine match, and Chabo hate aside, you really could have replaced him with ANYONE ELSE doing basic leg work and have Hardy sell and shit, because he was the driving force here.

Rating: **1/2
CAL SCALE – 1

 

they replay a segment from Raw… and it’s the bit when Vince gets killed by the stage during that Million Dollar give away thing . What was that shit even all about, anyway? Did anything get… solved?

 

Mark Henry Vs Kane Vs The Big Show – ECW Championship Match

BATTLING BEEFIES .

Ok, was too busy ENJOYING THE FUCK out of this to bother typing shit lol. SO much fun. 3 BEEFIE BASTARDS BATTLING for the ECW Title. What’s NOT to love? Beating the ever loving shit out of each other, and doing things that you wouldn’t expect guys of this size to be capable of. It rocks all kinds of shit.

And to top it all off… HENRY wins the title . MOTN. I don’t care what else is on the show. I doubt it’ll beat THIS.

Rating: ***3/4
CAL SCALE – 4

 

Batista interview. EVE TORRES . I miss Eve. She was awesome as the evil corporate sellout.

 

Cena shows up. Then Punk shows up and says he hopes both guys win the titles tonight and bring them back to raw cos his briefcase is getting heavy.

 

Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly Vs Ted DiBiase & ??? – World Tag Team Championship Match

Lillian looking HOT as per usual .

DiBiase has a mystery tag partner… but nobody knows who it is!!!

Match starts, and Cody DDT’s Holly straight away . Million Dollar Dream into a… neckbreaker and DiBiase & Rhodes win the titles!!!

Anyone else kinda wonder what things would have been like had Holly turned on Rhodes to team with DiBiase?

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Chris Jericho Vs Kofi Kingston – WWE Intercontinental Championship

Kofi is Jericho’s surprise opponent . What a let down .

“Controlled Frenzy” needs to be removed from existence.

So, this was a match.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Mickie James Vs Katie Lea Burchill – WWE Women’s Championship Match

Nah, I’ll pass.

Rating: NO
CAL SCALE – -1

 

Edge Vs Batista – World Heavyweight Championship Match

Thanks to the draft (I… think), both major titles are now on Smackdown, so Batista is here to try and bring the WHC back with him to Raw. If he loses, he doesn’t get another shot at Edge. Man, feels like I’ve written that for every match these two have had together .

BATISTA IS A POUNDER~! Just ask Melina .

So Batista throws Edge around for a while until Edge smashes Batista’s shoulder into the ring post and blah blah blah. God I’m so sick of seeing these guys wrestle. They had like a billion matches in 07 and now they’re back at it in 08.

NECK BREAKER. THAT’S A WRESTLING MANOEUVRE~! Huh, seems JR gave up when he got drafted to SD as a surprise .

Fuck me this is just awful. But I guess it gives us a new drinking game. Take a shot every time someone takes a bump into the turnbuckle.

Batista is about to win, so Vickie and the Edge Heads show up and start screwing around breaking up pins and knocking out the referee. Vickie demands a new ref come down and… it’s Chabo. Wanna make an Edge Vs Batista match WORSE? Add Chabo to it!!!

Edge wins. I lose.

Rating: DUD
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Triple H Vs John Cena – WWE Championship Match

Well, Batista failed, so it’s up to SUPER CENA to bring home a title to Raw.

Haven’t seen this match since it aired. Haven’t really cared to go out of my way to see it again tbh lol. Which is a little odd as I’ve always liked their WM 22 match, and most people do say this is the better match between them.

Shades of WM 22 early on with HHH “out-wrestling” Cena and then telling him to SUCK IT. Ahhh, remember WM 22 with both HBK and HHH referencing DX in their matches, teasing a potential reunion? What a fun time. And then they DID reunite. What a shitty time.

Cena SALUTES HHH AS RETALIATION FOR THE CROTCH CHOP EARLIER . I… I don’t think that’s EVER an insult John… well, maybe when you do it as shitty as you do. Learn to fucking salute you pleb!

This match is about half way in now and it’s been very back and forthy. HHH will control, then Cena will control, then HHH will control, and all the while I just don’t care. Fuck me, Cena goes for his 5 MOVES OF DOOM at one point and oh boy, it might be the single worst execution of the whole thing EVER. Cena’s offence looks awful. More so than usual. And HHH sells it like he’s the worst wrestler ever. Sure he’s not usually a great wrestler, but I wouldn’t call him the worst ever. Anyway, it all looked like shit from both guys.

Huh, HHH’s leg is hurt. I must have dozed off cos buggered if I know how he hurt it .

Cena doing leg work. This is fun. Wanna know what else is just as fun? Eye stabbing.

Pedigree.

Punch exchange.

Yey Boo crowd thing.

STFU.

Crossface.

Bite.

My.

Shiny.

Daffodil.

Ass.

Pedigree.

This is mercifully over.

And people think this is better than their WM match? Are they all high? Or stupid? Or stupid and high?

This is dull and shitty.

Rating: *
CAL SCALE – 0

 

Overall CAL SCALE – 4.5